Recently I’ve been having a lot of issues when it comes to my body image. This is nothing new for me. I’ve talked a little bit about struggling with this in my blog post Getting Real About My Eating Disorder Recovery. It’s been over two years since I’ve written that post, but it’s still something that I struggle with.

I think one of the things that seems to nag me the most is the fact that my body is constantly evolving and it looks nothing like it did years ago. What’s interesting is that years ago I thought I was overweight. But, I’ve never been overweight, not even now. Yet, I am aware that I’m not as thin as I used to be AND aware of the fact that it’s a part of getting older. It’s normal and honestly, I’m at a healthier weight than I have been in years past.

Despite knowing all of this, I still find myself really hating my body. I feel super gross and I want to hide myself and my body. But then I’ll see pictures of myself and be actually shocked by how thin I look. Body image is weird like that.

In all honesty, I’ve been extremely stressed out for the last month and a half. I’ve been doing my best to try and eat because I know that’s something bodies need, but I’ve been so stressed out that I haven’t been as good about it as I should be. In other words, I’m not eating three meals a day. Due to this, I think I actually have unintentionally lost weight and just not really noticed. But, my clothes are all a bit big right now so I guess that’s evidence enough.

Honestly, I probably have body dysmorphia. There have been a lot of times where I haven’t wanted photos taken of me because I hate the way I look. I don’t want my body captured for anyone to look at. I spend a lot of time trying to hide my body in oversized clothes. When I shop for clothes, I literally will think to myself “I’m too fat for that.” I’m constantly comparing myself to others and having thoughts of how I can potentially make myself look like these people I’m comparing myself to. It can be mentally exhausting.

They say recovery isn’t linear and that it’s a life long journey. This is definitely one of those things that applies to. I have a lot of bad days, but there are definitely good days sprinkled in there. It definitely is worse when I’m already stressed out to the max.

I’m definitely working on it. I hate getting in front of the camera, but I push myself to do it. Honestly, I do it to prove to myself there’s nothing wrong with me and because I don’t want to end up with no pictures of myself to look back on just because I hate how I look. I really don’t take pictures of myself like I used to. It’s really sad that it’s due to just hating how I look. I don’t want to regret not taking pictures of myself. I experience so many things through traveling and I want to be able to look back at pictures of those memories.

-Kailey

I started a new job mid-August, and while I’m thankful to have the job, it has been quite the adjustment for me. Honestly, I’ve been having a really hard time adjusting to the new working environment. It has really been affecting my mental health, and this led to the discussion where we talked about a new-to-me diagnosis: ADHD.

Family History and a Hunch

Now, I’ve known that ADHD runs in my family. I’ve also had a hunch for quite some time that I probably have it. The signs and symptoms were there, just I’d never had a formal diagnosis. In the past, I usually had more pressing matters to deal with in therapy.

Current Struggles

I’ve been having a really hard time adjusting to working in an office five days a week. I have no problem getting myself to work on time or anything like that. My anxiety ensures that I’m early for everything. The issues arise from all of the distractions in the office. There are a lot of conversations happening around me in the office. For context, I am a proofreader and some of the stuff I’m proofreading is extremely dense. It’s been extremely hard for me to focus and I’ve been getting so overstimulated that I’m sometimes shutting down. I personally need a quiet working environment to function.

The Need For A Quiet Working Environment

At my last job, I was not only able work remotely 4 days a week, but I also worked in an office where we were all proofing audiobooks with headphones on all day, making it a relatively quiet workplace. There were definitely times where people were talking and laughing loudly amongst themselves, but it wasn’t all day or anything. So going from working in a quiet space to working in a pretty lively office has been really hard to adjust to.

I obviously have a lot of other symptoms as well, but I’ve just been very good at masking them for years. I’m even masking now at work because while I’ve been extremely anxious from just being overstimulated all the time while trying to read things (sometimes having to read sentences over and over and over), I’m not outwardly reacting. Like I’m sure nobody knows at work that I’m having such a hard time.

Another Potential Diagnosis?

While we were having the discussion about ADHD, I asked about the possibility of me also having autism as well. I’ve wondered about that possibility for years, and while my therapist can’t diagnose that, she said that there’s a high chance I have that as well. She said there are definitely some things that I do that make her suspect that I do. If I wanted an official diagnosis, I’d need to go see someone who could give me the diagnosis. The co-occurrence of ADHD and autism together is becoming more widely recognized, referred to as AuDHD (which is not an official term). You can read a bit more about AuDHD here.

I think both of these things have played a pretty large role in my history with eating disorders and disordered eating. My therapist confirmed that suspicion. I was able to dive into that with my therapist and it was really helpful for me.

Why It’s Helpful To Discuss These Things

I think that it’s really important for me to learn these things about myself because if I get a better grasp for how my brain works, it will really help with finding coping skills that will work for me. I’m still on the fence about whether or not it’s worth it for me to go get an official diagnosis for autism since I already know what specific things I struggle with in terms of that.

As the title of this blog post suggests, I’m really not surprised. This was more of just a confirmation for me. I’m pretty self-aware and I’ve been in the mental health world long enough to know the signs and symptoms. I think having meltdowns about random things that do not make sense to most people was one of the indicators for me lol. I had always assumed it’s horrible anxiety, but I think my anxiety stems/is worsened by the ADHD and suspected autism.

Anyhoo, that’s all I’ve got for now! I’m so happy to have a therapist that I feel so comfortable being myself around where I can comfortably have these discussions. Having a therapist you’re comfortable with is super important and I am glad I was able to immediately click with this therapist from day one.

– Kailey

I’m going to be honest, I’ve been having a really hard time with my mental health lately. If I had to guess, a lot of it has to do with the fact that I started a new job. I’ve previously talked about how I kind of feel like I’m stuck in the rat race of life. While my mental health at my old job was definitely less than ideal due to not being paid a livable wage, I genuinely enjoyed what I was doing. I spent all day listening to audiobooks and getting paid. The other bonus: it was mostly remote (4 days at home, one day in the office during the week).

While I make significantly more now, I find that my mental health is suffering for other reasons. Not only has it been a huge adjustment due to switching to a completely different type of company, but the material I’m reading is much less fun. And, up until recently, I was in the office 5 days a week. Thankfully, I’m now able to work at home two days a week. But, that only helps so much. Oh, and I should also mention that while I do make a lot more, I’m now in a new tax bracket and it doesn’t really feel like I make that much more. I still feel very poor.

The Not So Nice Feelings

I’ve been dealing with a lot of anxiety, which is not unusual for me, but it has definitely been heightened. I’ve pretty much just been in survival mode. It sounds really dramatic, but let’s be honest, the anxious brain can be VERY dramatic. I also have not been sleeping well and I once woke up at 6:30am on weekend panicked that I slept through my alarm and missed work. The lack of sleep is definitely not helping my mental health.

On top of anxiety, I’ve also been dealing with depression, which is honestly something that I have not dealt with in quite some time. I’ve just been feeling so defeated and hopeless. Honestly, I’ve been so down that I totally forgot that I have a super exciting vacation to Canada coming up. It’s also been bad enough that I haven’t really been leaving the house or even keeping up with my typical schedule for tidying up the house.

I think what’s worse is the fact that I’m beating myself up for feeling this way because I know I SHOULD feel really thankful that I was able to get a new job that pays me well, has great benefits, has super nice people, and that’s actually close to home. But, I just honestly feel so unfulfilled. If I had it my way, I’d find my way back into the mental health field in some way, but I just haven’t seen any opportunities to get back in. I’ve thought about going back to audiobooks, but I just know financially, it’s not the right move. However, I will probably freelance for my old job in the future. I really do miss having set aside time to read books, and getting paid for it wasn’t so bad either.

The ONLY positive (and I use this term very lightly) outcome of these negative emotions being heightened is the fact that my sense of humor has gotten a lot darker than it already was. I’ve definitely been turning to absolutely unhinged memes during my doom scrolls. They only get shared to my close friends as to not worry my family LOL. Although, it’s concerning overall that there are so many to choose from and that they all have so many likes and shares. It really gives a good, but sad, insight into just how poorly many of us are doing.

Trying To Help Myself

The first month of this mental health decline was pretty rough. However, a couple weeks ago, I finally pushed myself to leave the house for something other than work or the grocery store (even if it was a bit of a struggle). I decided I really wanted to go on a day trip a couple hours from home. I used to day trip ALL THE TIME, but I didn’t have the confidence to go as far as I would have in the past.

After hours of searching on Google Maps, and getting so overwhelmed that I almost chose to just stay home, I decided to go to the northwest corner of Connecticut and then briefly over the border into New York. The trip was just what I needed to prove to myself that I am capable of going out on my own to explore just like I used to.

Since then, I’ve gotten myself back into the day trips. I’ve gone to Rhode Island, Massachusetts, and lots of trips to the Quiet Corner of Connecticut (current obsession). There are still a lot of days where I question whether I’m up for the trips, but I give myself the little push because I know once I go and do the things, I’ll be super happy that I did. I’ve actually been doing a lot of Walktober Events from the Last Green Valley and that’s something I would not have done in the past. I always prefer to go do things by myself away from people, but I’ve decided that I really want to experience these things.

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Final Thoughts

While my mental health has absolutely been less than ideal, I’m hoping with time, it will continue to improve. I’m also really hoping that the fact that it’s now Fall will help a bit. Fall is my favorite season and I also really like the holidays that come after it. Lastly, I’m trying to remind myself that this season of life that I’m in is not forever…even if I feel like I’m trapped and drowning in the moment.

-Kailey

I’m not sure if I’ve ever talked about my fear of mice here. But, I’m terrified of mice. It probably sounds ridiculous because they’re super tiny and cute, but I swear, it stems from somewhere.

My Mouse Fear Origin Story

It all started when mice managed to get into the cabin of my 2013 Hyundai Elantra. They chewed a hole in the bottom of my center console and then squeezed their way into my car. How did I know they got in? Well, I got out of my shift from work to find a torn up sugar packet on my passenger seat. They got that packet by chewing a hole through the lunch box. Then, they apparently proceeded to poop and pee all over my seats and my dash.

That’s how I found out I had mice in my car. It was not only super gross due to all of the poop and pee, but it was terrifying. I had no choice but to drive my car even though I knew there were tiny little mice in it somewhere I couldn’t see.

I remember telling my grandfather about the ordeal when it happened. He was really the one who instilled a true fear of mice into me. He told me all about how mice carry all of these horrible diseases, some which can be fatal. (I later found out that the fatal one is SUPER uncommon where we live lol.) Then, he informed me that I needed to get my car deep cleaned to avoid getting sick. I’m sure his intentions were not to make me absolutely terrified of mice for life, but unfortunately, that’s exactly what happened.

More Car Incidents

Later, mice got into this particular car again. By this point, I found out that the car was just super prone to having mice get into them. I was driving home from school and I watched a mouse run from under my dashboard on the passenger side into the back of my car. Mind you, I was driving, and absolutely terrified.

I had no choice but to keep driving. I had to get home. But, I was terrified that the mouse was going to climb up my leg or something. I drove with my legs in the air the rest of that drive home. Honestly, I never wanted to drive my car again, but I was working multiple jobs at the time and I had absolutely no choice but to use my car to get to school and work.

Those weren’t the only mouse experiences I had with that car, but I did end up getting rid of it. I have gotten a new car since then that I had really hoped would be mouse-proof. However, it has proved to also not be mouse-proof.

This year, a friend and I got into my car to go do something. Before we left, I turned around to look for my hat in my back seat. I found myself in a stare down with a mouse sitting on my back seat. I screeched and scared my friend. We ended up taking her car LOL. She later removed the mouse nest from my cabin air filter. There was absolutely no way I was sticking my hand anywhere a mouse potentially was.

That Time Mice Ruined My Life

If you thought my mouse trauma ended there…you’re unfortunately wrong. Last year after I left my ex, I moved in with a friend. Instead of getting a storage unit like I wanted to, I put everything I owned in her basement. Later, I would find out that this house was quite literally infested with mice (and that is not an exaggeration). There was mouse poop on the counters in the kitchen…on the dining room table…IN MY BED UNDER MY COMFORTER. They were nesting in my clothes IN MY DRAWER IN MY CLOSET. I once watched a mouse run across the floor while I was working from home at my desk in my room.

Later, I found out that everything in the basement was destroyed from the mice. I had extra clothes that weren’t in-season in the basement on a clothing rack…the mice climbed up those clothes and pooped AND peed on them (they were literally stained from pee). They nested in any drawer or bin I had. I had to throw out everything I had left after leaving a relationship with really nothing. Pretty much all of my clothes were ruined, even many that were upstairs in the bedroom. I had a friend come over with her truck and we loaded it up with all of my stuff and threw it into a dumpster. Talk about traumatic.

I will say, I’m thankful that I had friends help me replace the clothes that I needed since I didn’t have the money to replace them. I couldn’t afford anything and I was drowning in debt.

Present Day

Now, let’s circle back to the title of this post, facing my fear of mice. Recently, my boyfriend called me out into the garage because he found a baby mouse by itself on the cold concrete floor. After all of the mouse trauma, you’d think I wouldn’t want to help this poor baby mouse. I was a bit afraid of it, but I immediately wanted to save it. Sure, I don’t think the world needs more mice in it, but I’m not going to let an innocent living thing die, even if its species has been traumatizing me for years.

The Rescue

I immediately started Googling who I could possibly contact to help us with the baby mouse. When Google proved to be a bit useless (many rehabbers don’t take small rodents), I ended up going to a Connecticut wildlife group on Facebook in hopes that someone there could point me in the right direction. Thankfully, I was able to get a rehabber’s number from that. While that rehabber couldn’t help, they were able to find a rehabber more local to us who could help with the baby mouse. We were told how to keep it warm to help keep it alive until we could get it to a rehabber.

I didn’t handle the mouse at all due to my fear of diseases and whatnot so I didn’t face THAT part of the fear. But, I was around it and did everything I could to try and save it. My boyfriend was the one who cared for it and made sure it had things to keep it warm after I got some spare rags we had to make a nest of sorts for it. We used a sock filled with rice that my boyfriend periodically warmed up for the mouse. The next morning, he dropped it off with a rehabber. I can only hope it survived…but if not, we did everything we could.

Post-Rescue

After we discovered the mouse, I was afraid because I knew if there were babies, there was a mother somewhere. I checked my car for ANY signs of mice, but thankfully it appeared I was safe. Despite this, I was still terrified to get into my car the next morning in the dark to go to work. I was petrified there were mice secretly lurking in my vehicle. It’s been over a week and I’m still paranoid that there are secretly mice in my car lol.

Am I still afraid of mice? Oh god yeah. There’s still a large chance I’ll freak out if I see a live mouse anywhere near my living areas. But, I couldn’t not try to save that sweet little baby.

-Kailey

As the month of August ends, I decided I wanted to take a moment to look back at some of the things that made me happy this month. Why now? Well, August is Happiness Happens Month, which is a time to remind ourselves to be as happy as we can. This month’s theme was to focus on what makes us personally happy.

August was a hectic month for me. I had a pretty big life change getting a new job, and the transition has been exhausting. So, it was especially important for me to take the time to focus on what makes me happy and to do those things. Below are just some of the things that make me happy and that I managed to do this month for my own happiness.

Travel

Traveling is something that really makes me happy. In fact I love it so much that I have a travel blog and an Instagram account where I share my various adventures. This month, I was able to go to Charleston, South Carolina. The trip was super crazy and not as relaxing as I would have liked it to be, but I really did love experiencing it for the short time I was there. You can read more about that trip in my last blog post.

Exploring Historic Houses

I have always really liked looking at historic houses, but in the last couple of months I’ve been seeking out house museums to visit locally. It all started with the Avery Copp House in Groton, CT a couple months ago where I got a brochure with a list of historic house museums in eastern Connecticut. I’ve been hooked ever since. In the month of August, I visited countless historic houses in the area, sometimes alone and other times with my boyfriend. I love seeing the architecture and learning the history of the area and the house.

Going Out For Ice Cream

I love trying new ice cream places and visiting old favorites. This is something that doesn’t take a lot of time or planning. I like that it’s super low-stress. Plus, who doesn’t love ice cream!?

Photography

Photography has been something that has always brought me a lot of joy. I love composing a shot and just capturing things in unique ways. Unfortunately, I didn’t get out with my camera as much as I would have liked this month because I’ve been adjusting to my new job. But, I did get out at least once a week with my camera. I spent a lot of time going to local parks and capturing places I know super well in a different perspective.

Spending Time With My Boyfriend

Being working adults with responsibilities, sometimes it feels hard to find time to spend intentional one on one time with your significant other. I try to plan one big thing for us to do every month and smaller local things for us to do that won’t completely drain us. This month we did a lot of historic houses, grabbed ice cream, went for a hike, and spent time just lounging around the house together.

Hanging Out With My Cat

Honestly, I’m happy just being around my cat. He’s so funny and so cute. I used to work from home four days a week and just go pet him during my work day. Now, I’m in an office five days a week. I miss having access to him all day while I work.

Spending Time With Family

I’ll be honest, sometimes spending time with family can be exhausting. But this month, I spent a lot of time with my family, both immediate and extended family. Here’s some family stuff I did this month:

• We had a birthday party for my grandmother
• I visited with my aunt and cousin and grabbed dinner with them
• I got to see my niece and nephew
• My boyfriend and I went on a sunset and seal watching cruise with my mom and my sister
• I got to spend some time with family from out of state

It’s always nice getting to catch up with family, especially the family you don’t get to see all that often.

Getting Out In Nature

Getting out in nature, even if it’s just for a short walk, is definitely something that brings me a lot of happiness. This month I checked out a newly finished walkway around a local pond and I also spent some time at local beaches after hours because I don’t enjoy crowds at the beach.

What are some things that make you happy?

– Kailey

This month I decided to take my very first girls’ trip with a friend. I’ve done day trips with friends, but before this trip, I’d never gone away on a vacation with a friend. It’s always been with family or my boyfriend. I used to feel really guilty at the thought of leaving my ex alone while I went out with my friends, so I just never did it.

This trip was pretty spontaneous. My friend was telling me about how she wanted to go somewhere in the time off she had between jobs. She mentioned Charleston, South Carolina and I told her that’s been on my list for a while. She jokingly told me to take some PTO and go down with her. I was like “okay, what days?” and that’s how the plan started. I had a lot of PTO to use and I figured it could be fun. The very next day I booked an Airbnb and the girls’ trip to Charleston was a go.

I’m not going to lie, financially it was a stretch for me. We ended up flying down because it was the most cost effective. By flying down we avoided having to pay for gas and tolls on the drive down and the drive back. It also helped that I had a $250 gift card I could put towards a flight.

The week before the trip, news of Hurricane Debby was popping up in my feed. I didn’t really think much about it. Days before the trip, my brother started telling me that Charleston was in the path and that it was probably going to effect my trip. The radar did not look promising. I just had to laugh because what are the odds that a hurricane would be coming through the few days I planned a trip to Charleston?

We decided to go on the trip despite the impending doom. We already had everything booked and we decided we would just make the best out of it. A little rain doesn’t bother me. I packed an umbrella and a rain jacket and determined I was prepared. The flights down were super easy and smooth. The connecting flight was the most convenient that I’ve ever had – no running across the airport to get to the next gate…no shuttles or trains to get to another terminal. We got off two gates down from where we needed to get on to our next plane.

Things Start To Go Less Smoothly…

The issues started when we got to Charleston. We decided to go with a rental car company that required a shuttle to get to from the airport. Why? Because it was cheaper. We asked an airport employee where the shuttle would get us and we were directed to a spot.

However, after waiting for 15 minutes, we asked again to make sure we were in the right spot. It turned out we needed to call the rental company to tell them to come get us. After that, I checked if any of my emails from the company said to do that. Confirmed the instructions didn’t tell me I needed to call.

When we finally got to the rental company, there was a colony of cats out front. That I kind of liked, because who doesn’t like cute cats? But, unfortunately the first car we were offered was in horrendous shape (dents, scratches, etc). But, we didn’t even end up getting that initial car because it had a flat tire, which the worker noticed.

After the flat tire was noticed, we were then offered a different car that they had available. This car was equally beat up. The rental company took pictures of the car before we took it, but we low-key did not trust them so we inspected it ourselves and took LOTS of pictures. We then took the car to our first destination, which was Cypress Gardens.

The Start of Vacation Activities

After driving the 30 minutes to the gardens, I went to lock the car and didn’t hear it lock. So, I decided to just double check to see if I was just crazy. I was not just crazy. The car was not locking.

I tried using the fob to lock it, but no luck. Then I tried locking it manually with the key, but that also didn’t work. This was a huge issue because all of our stuff was in the car (like my laptop, which was my biggest concern). Since we had already made the drive, I threw my laptop into my backpack and decided to just keep it on me.

Our plan for Cypress Gardens was to do the row boat ride. There was a long line, but since we got the tickets, we got into the line. It was clear that the line was not really moving at all because we had to wait for people to get back before the line could move. Not only was the line not moving, but it was also thundering.

We decided to just walk the loop around the pond. It was pretty and we saw some reptiles, including a gator. However, it did eventually downpour on us. And of course… I had my laptop and no rain jacket. It was so muggy that the rain really did feel nice. But, it was not nice that I had my camera, camera lenses, and my laptop. My bag was water resistant, but it can only do so much when it’s heavily raining.

Getting A New Rental Car…

After this, we went right back to the car rental place to demand a car that locked. Thankfully, it was no issue and we ended up getting another car that did indeed lock. THANK GOODNESS. However, this car was banged up just like the others. AND it was named “Hotboiii” – you really cannot make this stuff up.

After this, we decided to head to historic downtown Charleston to try and enjoy it before the rain came the next day. We started at the Instagramable Rainbow Row and then made our way to the iconic Pineapple Fountain. I liked Rainbow Row for the historical aspect, but it was not the bee’s knees. The Pineapple Fountain was beautiful, but I didn’t realize they encourage people to swim and wade in it. I had to be very patient to not get children swimming in my photos of the fountain.

We continued to wander around downtown and we got some delicious gelato. As we wandered, I saw so many beautiful historic buildings. These historic buildings were the main reason I wanted to go to Charleston. I’ve been super into historic areas and buildings lately. Charleston definitely did not disappoint.

We then made our way to the water and walked the path towards White Point Garden. As we made our way towards the park, we watched lots of pelicans flying over the harbor and we saw beautiful houses that overlooked the ocean.

In the garden, we saw LOTS of birds, which was awesome. However, while we were enjoying the park, everyone’s phone went off with an alarm because of an emergency alert. That was quite the experience LOL.

Making A Tough Decision About The Vacation

After we had gotten our fill of the downtown area, we checked in to our Airbnb. At this point, we knew we had to make a decision about what to do about the upcoming storm. It was Sunday and our flight home was Tuesday night, which was when the storm was supposed to arrive and bring heavy rain and wind.

We decided that it would be best to leave mostly because I absolutely needed to get back. My last day of my job was that Thursday and I needed to return my work equipment. I couldn’t put it off because I was set to start a new job the following week. The other reason we wanted to leave was because we didn’t want to be responsible for any damage to the car due to flooding, which seemed to be a certainty.

We made lots of calls about canceling the flights and seeing if we could get refunds for the Airbnb and the rental car, and getting another rental car to drive back to Connecticut. The rental car company didn’t want to give us a refund for returning the car early. The flight cancellation was pretty simple as there was already an alert from the weather and an offer of a voucher towards a future flight. Airbnb gave us our money for the night we wouldn’t use since it was due to the coming storm. Lastly, we were able to get a pretty reasonably priced car with unlimited miles to drive back to Connecticut, which was great.

Trauma…

That night, we ran out of water and I refused to drink tap water at the Airbnb. It was late when I realized this and I decided I wanted to get water. I ended up going by myself because my friend was super tired (we had been up since like 2am). Since it was late, the only places open nearby were gas stations. Having not ever lived in a city and being someone who avoids them, I didn’t really think it would be unsafe. But, this is not a mistake I will ever make again.

The gas station I went to seemed safe enough. But as I was going in, a man who was clearly not well (not sure if it was mental health issues or drugs) starts yelling at me “I told you to stay out of my life” and then kept repeating “Stay out of my life!” aggressively in my face. I tried not to acknowledge him to not feed into the situation and I rushed to the spot where the waters were. The man then entered the store and came right back to where I was and started repeating “Stay out of my life!” in my face again.

I rushed to the cashier and quickly paid with Apple Pay to get out as soon as possible. The nice guy at the register was going to bag my bottles of water, but since I was in a rush, I said oh that’s okay and rushed out because the man was starting to approach me again saying “Stay out of my life!” I bolted to the rental car and threw myself inside. I locked the doors and pretty much immediately took off because I was so afraid he was going to follow me out and do something to me. I didn’t even know if I was going in the right direction, I just needed to get out of that parking lot.

Thankfully I made it back to the Airbnb safely. But, I was terrified walking from the car to the door. I was really shaken up by the entire experience. I was on high alert and I was physically shaking. At that point, I didn’t feel safe anymore even inside the Airbnb because this happened not even a mile from the Airbnb.

I quickly showered and then locked myself in my room. The Airbnb was right by a hospital so there were constant sirens, which didn’t help my anxiety. I was so anxious that I was afraid to go to sleep. I ended up falling asleep with the lights on when I got tired enough that I couldn’t stay up anymore.

The Next Morning

I didn’t really sleep much because of the stress. I got up at 5am and my friend got up shortly after. By 6am, we were getting ready and packing our bags to leave. Since it wasn’t down pouring or anything, we drove to a lighthouse and beach. It was the weirdest lighthouse I’ve ever seen, but it was something to see and do. The beach was really pretty though.

Then as we were heading back towards Charleston, I saw a sign for a boardwalk so I whipped into the lot. I’m so glad that I did because the boardwalk was beautiful and there were so many birds. We walked the whole thing and I saw some birds that I’d never seen before. I originally didn’t have my big zoom lens, so I had to go back to my car and then go back to get photographs of the birds. I’m glad I was able to get pictures despite not being prepared initially.

Back to Charleston

After the boardwalk, we went back to Charleston to grab breakfast before touring some historic houses. I was still feeling so stressed out from the night before that I didn’t really have an appetite. So, I didn’t actually eat the breakfast that I bought. I kind of just picked at it before throwing it away.

After breakfast, we went to tour the first historic house, which was the Nathaniel Russell House. This house is a gorgeous 1808 house that has been restored as nearly as possible to 1808. We learned a lot about the history of the house on the tour. The defining architectural feature of this house is a three-story free-flying staircase.

By the time we finished the tour, the rain from Tropical Storm Debby began. It was down pouring so we sprinted to the car. Of course I didn’t have my rain jacket or umbrella because it wasn’t raining when we arrived at the house. I was glad I didn’t bring my camera with me.

Next we toured the Aiken-Rhett House. This house was MUCH different than the previous house in the fact that it had not been restored to its former glory. Instead, it has been preserved as it was found. Due to the house being preserved and conserved as they found it, it was honestly a bit eerie to walk through. I’m sure the creepiness was heightened due to the storm going on outside.

When one of the workers asked me how I liked the house, I replied “It was kind of scary.” She laughed and said it’s much less scary on a sunny day. But, I’ll be honest, while it was cool to be walking into history, I also kind of felt like I shouldn’t be there. I tour a lot of historic houses, but it was quite a different experience being inside one that hasn’t been restored to its glory days.

The Long Journey Home

After we finished the tour of the second house, we decided it was time to start making our way back to Connecticut. We dropped our rental car off (which was an ordeal in itself because the office was so busy due to the storm). Then, we had the shuttle take us back to the airport to pick up the rental car we planned to drive back to Connecticut.

I was the one who started the drive. It started raining so badly that I really couldn’t see the road. Thankfully once I was close to the North Carolina border, the weather really cleared up. The weather the rest of the ride was totally fine. We left at a really good time because not long after we left Charleston, there were tornados in the area on top of the heavy rains.

The drive home was long. We really only stopped to get gas a handful of times and we grabbed Starbucks during one of those stops for gas. At Starbucks, I made sure I got myself some food with protein since I hadn’t really eaten and I still had a long day ahead of me. I also got myself an emotional support hot chocolate lol.

I drove for ten and a half hours before I tapped out due to being tired. Thankfully my friend took over and made the rest of the drive to the airport. The drive was probably 14 hours total. We got back to the airport where my car was at 4am. Then I had to make the hour drive home, which sucked because to get to the airport we had to drive an hour north of my house. I finally got home around 5am and then took a shower to wash off the last 24 hours. I say 24 hours because by that point I had been up for that long.

Looking Back On The Vacation

As much as it sucked to have a tropical storm wreak havoc on my first girls’ trip and my first trip to Charleston, I’m glad that I was at least able to get a nice taste of the area in my very short time there. I probably won’t go back during hurricane season again. But, at least now I know it is an area that I would like to visit again.

Additionally, it was a good learning experience. It forced me to learn how to deal with a situation like that if it were to happen again on vacation. I’m glad that we did leave because Charleston did end up having some pretty serious flooding and I’m glad the rental car wasn’t in our possession when that happened LOL. Footage below of the flooding that happened after we left:

@emily.danielski Just another Thursday at work😃 #charleston #downtown #flooding #rain #summer #dayinmylife #escaperoom #tourism #fyppppppppppppppppppppppp ♬ Pure Imagination (from "Wonka") – Timothée Chalamet

And lastly, below is a little video I put of the craziness with the weather on the trip:

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A post shared by Kailey | Daily Life Travels Blog (@dailylifetravels)

I can’t say that I’d choose to go on vacation during a hurricane again, but if I had to, I at least have the experience to deal with it.

-Kailey

Last year, I got my passport in hopes of going to Canada since it’s within driving distance. Financially it was rough even applying for the passport, but I did the thing because I knew I wanted to travel out of the country in the near future. Last month, I FINALLY got to use my passport to go to Canada!

As I’ve mentioned before, I am super broke so I tagged along with my parents and my sister on a family trip. Obviously my parents know my financial situation, so I didn’t have to cover any part of the trip. I’m VERY thankful to have parents willing to pay for me to take a trip out of the country. Not only did we go out of the country, but we stayed in a chalet that had wolves right outside our windows. Peep the video below to see some footage I took while I was there.

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A post shared by Kailey | Daily Life Travels Blog (@dailylifetravels)

Anxiety Before The Trip

While I was really excited to finally get to go to Canada, I also had a lot of anxiety about it as well. I’d never gone through border control, so I didn’t really know what to expect. It was really just the unknown of it all that gave me so much anxiety.

Prior to my trip, I asked my friends who had gone through border control what to expect to try and help ease my anxiety. This specific anxiety kept me from just driving into Canada myself. I figured going with my parents my first time would ease that stress a bit since I wouldn’t be the one actually driving through and interacting with the guard.

The other thing I had anxiety about was the fact that Quebec, where we were going, is a French speaking province. I was TERRIFIED about the language barrier. I took French all throughout middle school and for two years in high school, but it’s been more than a decade since my last French class. At this point, I can’t really speak French.

We were so close to the U.S. border that most people could speak English, but a lot of things were also in French. I was a bit self-conscious about the fact that I couldn’t communicate with the locals in French. But, I’m glad I knew enough to say “hi” and “thank you” to them. Thankfully, all of the places we went to had things in both French and English.

The Trip

While I had a lot of anxiety surrounding the trip, I had a lot of fun! As I mentioned earlier, we stayed in a chalet with wolves right outside the windows. We stayed at Parc Omega, which not only had wolves, but plenty of other cool animals to see as well. There were deer, elk, bison, bears, goats, and more.

Some other things we did while we were in Canada were Mount Royal Park in Montreal, Manoir Papineau National Historic Site, Mount Tremblant, and the waterfall Chute du Diable (or in English, Devil’s Fall). I’ve been doing a lot of historic houses lately locally in Connecticut, so I had to sneak one in on this trip.

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A post shared by Kailey | Daily Life Travels Blog (@dailylifetravels)

Being in the mountains on this trip made me realize just how much I’ve missed them. I used to drive to the mountains in the surrounding states a lot. But, I haven’t been able to take many trips to Vermont and New Hampshire due to financial reasons. I really loved getting the chance to go to the summit of Mount Tremblant and being surrounded by mountains.

Thoughts About Leaving The Country For The First Time

Overall, it was a solid trip. I’m so glad I had the opportunity to go to Canada and get a taste of what it has to offer. In a few months I plan to make another trip to a different part of Canada. I’m more confident traveling there now that I know what to expect with crossing the border and such. I’m only four and a half hours from the border and I will definitely be exploring Canada more.

-Kailey

In 2003, we moved to a property in Salem, Connecticut. It had a lot of land and my parents built a house there that would become my home throughout my childhood and into my early twenties. While the house was being built, we lived in a camper in the front yard (which I thought was the COOLEST thing ever as a 6 year old).

In 2004, we moved into the house that would be my home from childhood through my early 20s. I lived in that house up until 2021. For 17 years, that was my home. My parents lived there until the end of 2023.

I watched it get built as a kid. It was a pretty cool experience. And I remember a lot of it to this day.

I also watched the property evolve through my father’s hard work. The property was an old nursery so the area where we were building the house had hoop houses. It took years, but the hoop houses were eventually moved and we were left with quite a large front yard.

The property also has a pond, which we used to have parties at. When we first got the property, it was a bit of a jungle down there. But slowly, my father cleaned it up and even made a beach down there. I spent so many summers hanging out at the pond paddle boating, kayaking, and swimming. We also had so many parties down there. We made the pump house a hangout and my dad even had an outhouse built down there.

It’s super weird to think about the fact that this house is no longer my family’s home. I had so many firsts in that house and I have so many memories with family and friends there. We never thought that my parents would ever leave, but upkeep took a lot of time and effort and it just became too much for just my parents and my sister.

While it’s weird, I’m also surprisingly okay. I thought it would upset me a lot more. But, I think it helped that my parents moved out of the Salem house about a year ago so I got used to going to their new house. I love where I live now and I also like my parents new house, which happens to be less than five miles from where I live. It’s still odd sometimes no longer having a permanent tie to Salem, but we’re now making memories in our new homes. I like that it’s a new chapter.

I hope that whoever lives in our old house now enjoys it and makes the house their own. That house and property were truly one of a kind.

-Kailey

At the beginning of June, I took my first solo flight. I’ve travelled solo in my car plenty of times, sometimes driving 7 hours a day. But, I’d never taken a solo trip on a plane before.

This trip was to go see my friend who moved to Tennessee. She had previously lived in Washington State and I never made it to visit her there partially due to finances and also partially due to anxiety about navigating airports by myself.

I had a lot of anxiety before my trip. I’ve flown a lot and I got over my previous fear of flying many years ago. But, this year, there’s been a lot of news stories about things going wrong with planes. So, I was really anxious about something happening during my flight and not having anyone I know with me in my final moments. But, I didn’t let this anxiety stop me from going because rationally, I knew the chances were low and that I’ve flown a lot of times without any catastrophic things happening.

The Flight There

To try and make this first solo flight easy on myself, I decided to fly out of Tweed in New Haven because it’s such a small airport and because I could get a direct flight. I was planning on driving myself to the airport and paying the fee to park, but my brother offered to drive me, which saved me a lot of money. He definitely owed me because I’ve picked him up from the airport more times than I can count.

When he dropped me off at Tweed, I had to figure out where to check my bag because I’d never been there before. Thankfully, I quickly figured it out with the help of signs. I had a checked bag so I handed that off and then went through security. I was super excited to find out I didn’t have to take out all of my camera gear and my laptop.

Once past security, I had to consult a screen to figure out which gate my flight was going out of. Thankfully, that airport only has 1 terminal, so it was easy. I was not pleased that my virtual boarding pass did not have the gate on it. But, it was just a small bump in the road lol.

Once the plane took off, most of my anxiety went away. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that I knew what to expect because I’ve flown so many times. I got myself a window seat because I knew being able to see the landscape below would make me happy. Usually I don’t like to get window seats, but it was such a short flight that I knew it wouldn’t be a big deal. I usually like to be in the isle seat so I don’t have to ask people to move when I have to go to the bathroom.

I usually spend flights reading. I was excited to have a couple hours to read on this flight. But, I had people behind me who wouldn’t stop talking, so I threw in my headphones and played games. I tried to read, but I couldn’t focus with them talking or with music playing. Listening to my country playlist during my flight to Nashville was a good alternative to reading.

When I landed, my friend and her husband picked me up. I had to take a shuttle to get to baggage claim area, which was interesting. But, I made it to baggage claim where my friend and her husband were waiting for me and my luggage wasn’t lost. Easy peasy.

The Trip

I spent the next couple of days hanging out with my friend during the day doing fun things like waterfall adventures and mansion tours. At night, we’d go grab a bite to eat with her husband.

On my last day, we went to Nashville because that was where I was flying out of. We did Broadway where all the bars and live music are. I didn’t expect to like it, but I gave it a shot anyways. I don’t really drink (unless it’s a sip or two from my boyfriend’s drink) so bar hopping isn’t really my thing. But, I did enjoy the architecture on that main strip. The live music was cool, but I also don’t like being in loud places and they weren’t bands I really knew so to me it wasn’t worth it lol.

The Journey Home

When it was finally time to go, my friend and her husband walked me into the airport and we said our goodbyes. Then, I went off to check my bag. When it was time to go through security, I was relieved when I saw that I once again didn’t have to take any of my stuff out of my bag.

I then had to take the shuttle again to get back to the terminal that I was flying out of. Thankfully, I expected this because I had to take one when I had arrived in Nashville. I got to the terminal with plenty of time to spare so I grabbed a bite to eat nearby and edited some photos.

After I finished eating, I went to sit at my gate. There was no one there, but as far as I knew, that was still my gate. Other people seemed thrown off as well and they asked if I was going to New Haven. I told them I was indeed. One guy checked to confirm that was our gate, and it was.

But, we later found out that the gate was moved. We all collectively groaned and then headed to the correct gate. This little hiccup really did not phase me. However, we didn’t take off on time because there was one woman who did not get the memo that the gate was changed last minute. There was another collective groan at that lol.

My flight home was smooth. I wish I was one of those people that slept on planes because I was landing at 10:30pm and then had an hour drive back home. I tried, but no luck. So, I played games and listened to music again until it was almost dark out. Then, I opened the window to look outside. I got to see a sunset from the plane, which was awesome.

When I got home, I had to shower because I just felt so gross being on an airplane. There was no way I was getting into bed without washing my hair and body. I definitely regret getting home so late and not giving myself a day off the next day to recover because I had work at 6am the next day.

Reflecting On My First Solo Flights

Overall, I had a pretty positive experience with my first solo flights. I didn’t have to navigate out of the airport or grab a rental car or deal with layovers, but that’s because I intentionally tried to make it as easy as possible. Now that I have this under my belt, I’d definitely feel more comfortable flying solo again.

– Kailey

This last weekend, I broke my camera. I was surprisingly chill about it, although I definitely was not pleased about it since I leave for vacation in less than a week. And I’ll be honest, I don’t exactly have the money for a new camera right now. But, that’s life.

Let Me Take You To The Beginning…

Saturday, I decided I wanted to do something fun since Memorial Day Weekend I didn’t get to do anything I wanted to do. I had back to back family parties that weekend. So this weekend, I decided to take a day trip to the Hudson Valley to tour a mansion and then on the way back I planned to stop in New Fairfield, Connecticut to get some long exposures of waterfalls.

I thoroughly enjoyed my trip to the Locust Grove Estate in Poughkeepsie, New York. I played around with my camera trying to take macro photos of bugs on flowers in the garden while we waited to tour the mansion. The tour of the mansion was great because it was actually a guided tour and not one where I had to read things or listen to audio (I’m looking at you, NEWPORT MANSIONS). I never have the patience to do self-guided because I just want to look at stuff and I also don’t want to have headphones in to listen to audio while I’m touring a mansion with someone. After the lovely tour of the mansion, we then walked down to the overlook of the Hudson River.

Where The Incident Happened

After that, we headed to Great Hollow Nature Preserve in New Fairfield, Connecticut. Someone I follow on Instagram suggested it to me because of the waterfalls. It’d been a pretty long time since I’ve done some long exposures so that’s why I opted for a little waterfall adventure on the way back. However, this is where my camera would meet its demise.

We hiked out to the waterfall and had the area quite literally to ourselves. I set up my camera and started going to town taking my long exposures. There were a couple of different cascades to take pictures of. The first cascade I photographed went smoothly with no casualties.

I wasn’t as lucky at the next cascade. At the next cascade, I set up the tripod and camera on an angled rock right along the brook. That was my first mistake. The second mistake was bumping the tripod and sending my camera into the water. I pulled it out by the tripod legs and it was SOAKED. I immediately yanked out the SD card and hoped it survived along with all of my pictures from the day. I’m happy to say that the SD card survived. The camera, however, did not.

Believe it or not, this is not the first time my camera has ended up in a body of water. Earlier in the year I slipped into a river in New Hampshire while holding my camera and it ended up going into the water. It survived that time, so I guess I can’t be too upset that it didn’t survive its second swim. It also survived A LOT of falls because I dropped it all the time. My clumsiness is part of the reason I didn’t upgrade my camera sooner.

Post-Camera Drowning

While I was definitely bummed about becoming camera-less, I didn’t let it ruin the rest of my day. After the death of my camera, we headed to Newtown to the Fairfield Hills Campus, which was once a state psychiatric hospital. The reason I went was because my brother told me I would think the brewery there was cool. It’s in one of the old buildings from the Fairfield Hospital Campus. However, I wasn’t expecting it to be an entire campus of old buildings.

I was SO EXCITED and I then understood why my brother sent me there, since I’m not a beer person. While we did go to the brewery and get a pizza, my favorite part was walking around the old hospital campus and just exploring the buildings. I was EXTREMELY upset my camera was broken, but I made the most of it and played iPhone photographer for the night. Every time we got up to a new building I would just get so excited because I love spooky, historic buildings.

Getting A New Camera

As I said earlier, I definitely don’t have the money to get a camera. And due to my debt issues, I can’t buy a used camera with a payment plan. I can’t get approved for a loan or payment. Thankfully, Amazon offers a payment plan that requires no approval and has 0% interest. I’ll have to buy a new camera, but honestly it’s the best option because after interest with the other payment plan, I’d end up paying more than if I just bought it new.

I really wanted to upgrade to a mirrorless when my camera’s time was up, but it’s just not feasible right now. So, I’m getting the upgraded version of the camera I broke. I had a Canon EOS 80D and I will be upgrading to a Canon EOS 90D. It’s not the upgrade I wanted, but honestly having a slight upgrade is better than having no camera. I can’t wait around to be able to afford the Canon EOS R6 Mark II that I wanted, especially because I would also need to upgrade lenses, making it even more expensive.

Being Without A Camera For A Couple Days

It’s been a couple days without having a camera and I have to admit that I feel so lost without it. I haven’t left my house without my camera in months. I’d been taking photos every single day, whether it was local or traveling a bit. I really didn’t expect to feel so lost without it though.

While it sucks not being able to go out and take pictures with a camera right now, it’s giving me time to edit all of the photos I’ve been taking. I’ll order the camera tomorrow so it’ll be here in time for my vacation I leave for on Friday. Not an ideal time to buy a camera, but I definitely don’t want to go on my trip without one. If I feel lost without it at home, I’m sure it would be worse on a vacation LOL.

Hopefully my next camera lasts as long as my last one did!!

– Kailey

It has been a busy month. I’ve been actively searching for jobs, which has taken a lot out of me. I’ve been looking for a new job because what I make right now at my current job just isn’t enough. I’m working full-time, but living paycheck to paycheck.

In my free time, I’ve been pursing photography a bit more seriously than I have before. I’ve been working on really being intentional about my compositions. To do this, I’ve been visiting parks that I’ve frequented many times and just really taking in things I’ve never noticed before. I’ve also gotten back into wildlife photography.

It’s honestly been pretty awesome and it’s been a nice break from the chaos. But, doing this outside of my regular full-time job, around job searches/interviews, and around my regular responsibilities as an adult has been draining. And to be honest, I’ve been staying up so late editing pictures when I get home that I haven’t been getting as much sleep as I should. I’ve been trying to combat that by staying super local even though I want to go further.

Photography has always been something I’ve been interested in. It’s something that makes me feel good and it’s a good way for me to express myself. I love exploring with my camera and capturing whatever catches my attention. I wish I could do it all day everyday, but I can’t.

The reality is I work a full-time job, and yet, I can’t really afford to live. So, I’m actively searching for a new job. As I’m looking for a job, I find myself just applying for things I’m not super passionate about. I like my job now where I get to read all day, but it’s not sustainable because of the pay. I guess I worry that I’m making decisions about my career just because I’m poor. But, what choice do I have? I can’t keep living paycheck to paycheck.

On social media, you see so many people who just quit their jobs and pursue their passions. I want to do that, but like, how? I literally have zero savings. My bills are paid on time, but that’s because I work and all of my money goes towards those bills, and unfortunately my debt until the end of next year. I’d love to take the leap to do something that I’m passionate about, but I can’t.

I feel trapped in the rat race. While I know the 9-5 is normalized as the smart and safe route, I just don’t align with it. I don’t think we as humans are designed to sit at a desk all day and work our lives away. What kind of life is that?

It’s not that I don’t like to work. I just don’t love working on things that don’t spark something inside me just because I need the money. I also don’t love that many full-time, stable jobs don’t have the flexibility I want.

Additionally, I don’t like having to work eight hours straight. I’d do better breaking my hours up throughout the day. Work for a bit, have the ability to get outside and move my body, then come back refreshed and ready to work again. Sometimes during the work day I get so anxious that I feel physically sick. The anxiety comes from feeling trapped at my desk. I only get two ten-minute breaks and a thirty minute lunch break, which always feels rushed because I’m such a slow eater. Because of this, I spend my lunch super anxious since I feel like I have to rush to eat.

So, what is the answer? Unfortunately, I don’t know. I’d love to build something for myself, but I don’t have the energy to build something up while juggling regular life with a full-time job. I barely sleep as it is.

This is totally not how I pictured my life would be at 27. But, here we are. I guess I’m just taking it day by day now. As much as I hate to say it, making money would probably help because most of my stress right now stems from lack of money. Money is so tight that sometimes I literally feel like I can’t leave the house because I can’t spare the money for gas.

While I do feel kind of hopeless, I would be doing a lot worse if I didn’t have such awesome people in my life. And unfortunately, I know a lot of people who are also struggling right now. They’re people who are also working full-time. It’s rough out here, but we have each other to lean on (and thankfully, we have memes too, like the one below).

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A post shared by Anthony Pertusiello (@anthonypertt)

-Kailey

Recently, I had a comment get a lot of attention on a viral Instagram Reel. Like it got two thousand likes. Unfortunately, viral content tends to bring out the trolls, and my comment was no exception.

For background, the Reel that went viral was about the Lost River Gorge in the White Mountains of New Hampshire, which has caves you can go through. I did the caves myself when I went, and I made a comment from my travel Instagram account about how the experience was not that fun for me because I’m claustrophobic. Image of my comment below.

Innocent enough, right? I was one of the first people to comment on the Reel before it went viral. I’m someone who really likes to engage with the accounts I follow because I like connecting with people on the internet who have similar interests. And like I said, I did do the caves. I’ll be honest though, I actually did have an anxiety attack at the end of one of the caves because the opening looked like it could only fit a child. Like I thought there had to be some mistake because it just looked that tiny.

Anyways, back to the comment. I had a troll reply to my comment basically telling me I’m fat, although he said I look a little chunky, which isn’t much better lol. Basically the joke was I’m too fat to fit through the caves. The comments were so ridiculous and they made zero sense. Like obviously I’m not fat AND I could fit through the narrow caves (even though it was anxiety-inducing).

The troll comments:

Like there was definitely a part of me that was like jeez if you’re going to attempt to bully me, at least bully me for something that makes sense. Anyone can take one look at me and see that I can definitely fit through the caves. In fact, I have videos of me going through tighter sections, just they’re not fit for the internet lol. Plus, I shouldn’t have to give proof of being thin enough to go through a cave.

This would have really bothered me back when I was really struggling with my eating disorder. And honestly, initially it did affect me. But, that was only because I was just more shocked than anything. At this stage of my recovery, for the most part I’m content with my body. I actually had a good weekend and was the most comfortable I’ve been in a bikini in years during a Memorial Day Weekend Party. If I was having a bad body image day, it might have affected me more than it did.

Working On Being Comfortable In Front Of The Camera

I’ve been trying to get in front of the camera more so I think that’s helped me a lot with how I view myself. I do still have bad days. But most times when I see video footage of me, I’m shocked at how good I think I look. Like I’ve been terrified of hating how my body looks in videos, but I’m finding it’s quite the opposite. I am actually happy about what I look like in these videos I’ve been taking of myself.

One of my recent videos:

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A post shared by Kailey | Daily Life Travels Blog (@dailylifetravels)

Final Thoughts

While the comment didn’t affect me that much, I did worry about how that comment might affect others who saw it. While the comment was directed at me, I’m sure a lot of females, some of which probably have the same body as me, saw that comment. That comment could be absolutely devastating for so many people. It’s disgusting that some random person with no profile picture and a private account thought it was okay to comment that. It’s ALWAYS people hiding behind a faceless, nameless, private account. Miserable people who bully others for fun.

While the internet and social media can be such a great place (which I talk about in another post), trolls like this make it a living hell for a lot of people. I think part of what has helps me personally is not taking these people too seriously. Another great thing is blocking or hiding content that really does affect me negatively.

-Kailey

Being an adult, it’s hard to keep in touch with your friends. We’re all so busy and burnt out. And personally, I just really like spending time with myself in my free time. I tend to isolate myself because that’s just what’s comfortable to me.

But recently, I’ve been trying to make an intentional effort to reach out to my friends that I haven’t talked to or seen in a while. This last month, I must have been feeling super motivated because I made plans with three different friends.

First Round of Plans

One of the friends I reached out to I’ve been friends with since preschool. We were best friends in preschool and we were friends all the way through high school. Distance happened when we went to college, which is normal, but we did still stay in touch. I met up with her at a coffee shop in downtown Norwich and we caught up, which was nice. Honestly it’s so nice getting to connect with someone who’s known you for your whole life and grew up in the same town as you!

After that little meet up, I got my beloved alone time. I wandered around downtown Norwich on my own with my camera. It was honestly so awesome. I’ve always loved the historic buildings. But in addition to that, Norwich is where my late grandfather grew up and I spent a lot of time there with him. It is a town that really makes me feel connected to him. I used to go down to the harbor with him and when he was teaching me to drive, he had me driving through downtown Norwich. Norwich will always hold a special place in my heart because of him.

Second Round of Plans

I also recently grabbed dinner with another friend, who I haven’t known quite as long, but she’s such a close friend. She is literally the nicest and most thoughtful human being ever. She recently went to Niagara Falls and she was sending me all kinds of tacos she was eating on her trip. So I suggested we get tacos at my favorite Mexican place and it turned out she’s been wanting to try it for a while!

We caught up and she was telling me the funniest stories from work. I was laughing so hard. Then, to make the night even better, a double rainbow appeared! As soon as we noticed, we booked it to the beach to experience it there. IT WAS MAGICAL. As I was frolicking down the beach enjoying the rainbow, my friend was taking candids of me, which I loved. She’s literally so thoughtful. She also took the cutest video of me with the rainbow to help me get content for my travel blog. Seriously, she’s the best!

She then came over after and met my boyfriend, which to me was super special. My friends know all about him, but not many of them have met him yet because I try to hangout with my friends one on one to get quality time with them. But since we grabbed food close to my house, I figured it was a good time to have them meet! Literally such a wholesome night.

The Creation of Future Plans

The third friend I reached out to is one who recently moved to Tennessee. This friend lived in Washington state for years and I never got a chance to visit her because of financial reasons. I wanted to so badly, but I just could never swing it. Now that she lives an hour outside of Tennessee, I can afford to fly to her with the cheap flights from Tweed Airport!

I made plans to visit her in Tennessee in the beginning of June and I’m so excited! I saw her a couple months ago when she was in Connecticut, but it was only a day because she understandably wanted to spend time with her family and other Connecticut friends. It’s hard when you’ve lived away for 5 years!

This will be my first solo travel trip on an airplane and I’m so glad it will be out of Tweed because it’s such a small and easy airport. I probably can manage a regular airport because I’m a seasoned flier at this point, but I still would rather fly out of the teeny tiny airport. It’ll all be worth it though to adventure with my friend in her new home!

Keeping in Touch

While I do love to spend time alone and do my own thing, I also love my friends and the relationships I have with each and every one of them. I’m so thankful to have them in my life, and it’s so important to me that I set aside time to either reach out via text to check in and catch up or plan to get together in person if we can swing it!

I have friends who also just kind of isolate unintentionally because they’re just busy and overwhelmed. Honestly, I don’t mind being the one to reach out. I can tell you, those friends really appreciate it when I reach out! I never hold it against them because I know just how burnt out and busy I can get. We’re adults with our own separate lives, and I’m not going to get mad at them for having their own life…just as I would hope they don’t get upset if I’m not in constant contact.

I always try to reach out to my friends when something reminds me of them, even if it’s just a quick little meme. Like the other day I sent my friend a really corny meme because it made me think of her and her chickens. I used the meme as a segue to check in and see what’s up! This particular friend has three young children, one being a newborn, so I know just how busy she is.

Final Thoughts

It takes some work to nourish friendships, but it is doable and so worth it! It doesn’t always have to be in-person plans. Sometimes just a quick text to let them know you’re thinking of them goes a long way! And, if your friends don’t reach out, it’s probably not because they don’t like you anymore. They’re probably just really busy or burnt out from work and adulting. I have a lot of friends like this and I’ll just send them a quick text to check in and we can go into conversation like no time has passed!

If you’re not sure how to nourish your friendships as an adult, you can also check out this guide!

-Kailey

At the end of last year, I mentioned that I was looking to start therapy again. As of this month, I’ve officially gotten back in with a therapist. It’s been a long time coming.

The Search For A Therapist

Last year, I reached out to in-network therapists around me that specialized in things that were important to me. I wanted someone that had experience with trauma and anxiety. Unfortunately, I didn’t hear back from a single one.

At the end of March, I got an email from Yale New Haven Health about this program they have that helps you find care. I decided to check out the website. I filtered it for mental health providers and I happened to find one that was up the road from my house. They specialize in all of the things that I wanted, but they don’t work with insurance at all. However, they provide a super bill so I can put a claim in with my insurance to hopefully get some money back.

What was even better was I could start the process of getting an intake appointment online. I spent a lot of time filling out the paperwork they have potential clients fill out. I wanted to make sure it was clear what my intentions were when it came to therapy as well as my expectations. Honestly, I read through every bit of information they gave me, and it really seemed like this would be a great fit. The next day they got back to me and said based on what I filled out, I would be a great fit and that I could skip the intake and schedule an appointment.

I was honestly shocked that it was SO EASY. I did not expect to fill out everything and then have an appointment within days. Not a single phone call in the process. They texted me to set everything up. I would have had no issue talking on the phone to get an appointment, but it was just such a breeze.

Beginning Therapy Sessions

I had my first therapy appointment a couple days before my 27th birthday. I’ve had bad therapists in the past and I’m always worried that I might have someone who doesn’t vibe with me. However, I got SO LUCKY with my therapist, she’s great.

In my intake appointment I literally said “I just rawdog life” and she totally got the reference and laughed. It’s important to me that I don’t have to filter myself and my personality in therapy. I’ve had therapists in the past who have had judgement written all over their face as I’ve talked. It’s a horrible feeling.

Hunches Confirmed

I go once a week, and so far all of my sessions have been great. She has given me some really great things to try to help ground myself when my anxiety gets to be unbearable. She also confirmed my hunch that I probably have sensory processing disorder and Misophonia. I didn’t even bring up that I thought I might have them, she offered it up based on something I was telling her.

Misophonia is when you have a really strong emotional reaction to sounds. These reactions usually seem really unreasonable to people. For example, there’s a girl at work who kicks her chair repeatedly all day and it makes me irrationally angry. Sometimes I have to put in my headphones with music and take a walk. Otherwise, I lose my mind. But, I don’t feel like I could tell my job that I don’t want to work in-office because of this. I don’t think they’d take me seriously.

Other times it’s the sound of the washing machine/dryer. I’ll have to put in noise cancelling headphones to escape the sounds. Sometimes my boyfriend will be playing some video game and the gun sounds or repetitive noises of the characters will completely enrage me.

As much as it’s like “agh, another disorder to tack on to the list” it’s also comforting to know that there is an explanation for the things that I deal with on a daily basis. Having a therapist helps with learning these things as well as learning coping skills to live with these things I know I struggle with.

Happy To Be Back In Therapy

I’m looking forward to continuing working with a therapist again. It’s nice to have someone who I don’t feel like I have to defend myself and my brain to. It’s part of their job to understand these disorders that are a part of me. I have supportive friends and family, but it’s just different having someone who not only gets it, but can give you HELPFUL advice. It’s so worth the investment.

– Kailey

At the beginning of April, I officially turned 27! Young me thought this was a super old age, but I’ve now come to realize being in your late 20s is not actually old lol. The years feel a lot shorter now that I’m older and time really does fly.

It’s been a busy month for me with birthday stuff. On my actual birthday, I spent the day driving around close to home. First, I visited a waterfall. Then, I went looking for wildlife. I saw some seals in Old Saybrook that were too far away for me to get decent photos of and I got a lot of photos of Ospreys in various spots.

The night of my birthday, I had pizza and cake with my family. Last year, I didn’t get to do this with my family because I had pink eye. My parents bought a cake, but my pink eye was stubborn and wouldn’t go away. They ended up dropping the cake off to me and a card last year. This was part of the reason I chose to not go on vacation BEFORE my birthday this year lol.

The day after my birthday, I headed south to Ocean City, Maryland. I made a little road trip out of it. I stopped at Paterson Great Falls National Historic Site in New Jersey and some spots in Delaware on the way down.

The waterfall was kind of just a pit stop to stretch our legs, and I got splashed in the eye with water. I won’t lie, I did have a bit of anxiety worrying that the water might have infected my eyes LOL. But, a quick Google search reassured me that I was probably fine and the risk was EXTREMELY low. For once, Google made me feel better instead of worse.

After Paterson Great Falls, we stopped at a Bombay Hook National Wildlife Refuge in Delaware. I had seen that lot of people typically saw eagles here, so I figured it wouldn’t hurt to check it out. This was one of the highlights of my trip for sure. I have never seen so many eagles in my life. It was drizzling most of the time we were here, but I stood out in the rain photographing those eagles. I couldn’t get enough of it. I took some of my best eagle pictures ever.

After that, we stopped at Cape Henlopen State Park where there was a lot of cool historic stuff to check out. We climbed an old lookout tower from WWII and checked out Fort Miles Historic Site. Additionally, there were beaches to check out and two lighthouses visible from one of the beaches! But I also got a special wildlife surprise. I saw about 30 deer just hanging out in a field in the park. The trip was turning out to be quite the wildlife adventure.

On day two of the trip, we went to the Maryland side of Assateague Island National Seashore. In this park, you’ll find wild horses that free roam around the park. They were honestly everywhere from the moment we got on to the island. They were grazing on the side of the road as well as in the parking lots.

I really liked seeing the wild horses so close up. There are signs everywhere that state you need to stay 40 feet away from the horses at all times for their safety and for human safety, but people did not follow this rule. I did follow the rules. I am a stickler for rules, but especially when it comes to wildlife.

It made me so mad to see families with kids getting too close and taking selfies with the horses. There was also one woman with a digital camera who literally got right in a horse’s face with her camera. I cannot stand when people do not respect wildlife. Huge pet peeve for me because the animals can’t protect themselves. If they do, there’s a chance of them being euthanized for harming a human. Thankfully a ranger came and told her to get away from the horse.

After Assateague, we went and checked out Fenwick Island Lighthouse, which was just a quick stop because it wasn’t open to visitors. Snapped a couple of pictures, and then went back to our beach-side condo to relax for the rest of the night.

On day three, we drove south to Chincoteague, Virginia to check out the Virginia section of Assateague Island. We drove around the island, where the horses did NOT free-roam like the ones in Maryland. While I was a little upset they were fenced in, I completely understood why they made that choice after seeing people have zero respect for the horses in Maryland.

That night, we did a wildlife cruise where we got to see a mama horse and her super newborn foal (it was 12-24 hours old). We got to watch the mom try to coax her foal to cross the water. It was really such a cool experience. We also saw some other wildlife, like coastal birds, and Assateague Lighthouse from the water (which we had also visited up close on the island earlier).

On day three, we took a ferry from Lewes, Delaware to Cape May, New Jersey to drive up the New Jersey coast to check out some lighthouses. I didn’t plan this before we left, it was a last minute decision I made after I saw the ferry by Cape Henlopen State Park. In New Jersey, we climbed Cape May Lighthouse and Absecon Lighthouse and then visited Barnegat Lighthouse. Barnegat was not open to climb by the time we got to it.

While the birthday trip was jam packed with stuff, it was honestly the kind of break I needed. I was feeling so burnt out from work and just regular life. I had been really looking forward to taking the trip and getting away from it all for a bit. Sometimes, you just have to get away to reset a bit.

Younger me would have never thought I’d be so into doing trips like this, but I love the aspect of planning a trip and then making it happen. I love photographing stuff and just experiencing new places. And I’m so lucky that I have the ability to just get in my car and take trips like this. Living in Connecticut, we really are so close to so many different states that are a relatively short drive away. It’s comforting that it’s easy to take these little trips, whether planned or spontaneous. I hate feeling stuck.

It’s honestly still hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that I’m such an adult now and I am in control of my life and what I do. I spent so many years feeling like I had absolutely no say in what I could and couldn’t do, but now I really can live the life I want to live. It’s still crazy to me.

Happy to have made it another year. Here’s to 27 and another year of growth and continuing to have new experiences!

-Kailey

Making new friends as an adult is hard. I’m just about 27 at this point and I’m not the kind of person who goes to seek out friendships due to social anxiety, which I’ve been working on. But, I’m happy to report that I have in fact been making friends!

In a previous post, I had talked about finding community on social media through my travel blog accounts. Well not only have I used it to build an online community, but I’ve actually made a real life friend. I had mentioned in my post that I made some online friends, but one of them has recently become a real life friend.

This particular friend is into wildlife photography and she was mentioning that she was planning to go birding at a state park that’s pretty much up the road from my house. I told her to let me know if she goes and when she’ll get there so I could meet her there. The plans were made and it was both really exciting to meet someone I talk to regularly and really nerve-wracking.

I was excited to meet someone who’s local to Connecticut that’s also super nice. But, I was also nervous because meeting someone in real life can be stressful. I feel like you can be a lot smoother when talking to someone on the internet because it’s written. I had thoughts of what if I’m not how she expects me to be? What if she thinks I don’t look like I do in my pictures and Reels? What if she thinks I have a weird voice? (I have a bit of a lisp). I did actually get physical symptoms of anxiety too.

Despite all of the anxiety, I pushed through the discomfort and met her and her husband at the state park and we had such a fun time photographing Ospreys and a Belted Kingfisher. It was great getting to talk about wildlife, photography, and make a new friend.

As of today, we’ve now hung out twice to go birding. Today, it was not nerve-wracking to make the plans, it was just like me making plans with any of my other friends. The first place we went to was a bust with no birds, but we still walked and talked. The second spot we had a blast watching so many ospreys flying around.

I’ve never really thought of myself as someone who’s good at making friends because of my anxiety. It’s not that I’m not social. I love to talk to people, but prior to knowing someone I tend to overthink things. Once I get past that and get comfortable, I do great. I’m glad I’ve been working on putting myself out there a bit more and making connections with people who have similar interests to me.

If you’re looking to make friends, local or not, I’d definitely recommend joining some groups on social media or following some people who seem to have similar interests to you. Of course, you can also join in-person groups as well. They’re just not my thing.

What are some ways that you’ve found to make friends as an adult?

-Kailey

I’ve talked about my anxiety in the past and how it can make me do things that would seem extremely irrational to a normal person (like that time it spiraled out of control on a day trip).

Well, my anxiety has once again made me do something that in hindsight, was a bit ridiculous. Monday night, my boyfriend and I were having leftover turkey burgers. We reheated them in the microwave, and we sat down to eat them together at the dining room table.

Things were normal. Fine. Dandy. Then, I swallowed a piece and suddenly my throat was sore. The best way to describe it was it felt like something was stuck in my throat. I continued to eat and said nothing, as this is something that has happened to me in the past. But then, the feeling started to make my skin crawl and I fed the rest of my food to my boyfriend.

About ten minutes after we had finished dinner, I asked to my boyfriend “Do you ever feel like you have something stuck in your throat after eating?” and he was like “Yeah.” So, I told him well it felt like that for me while we were eating dinner and that’s why I fed him my fries.

Mistake Number One: Turning To Google

More time passed. We went to Dairy Queen and get some Blizzards. Thinking maybe something was indeed in my throat, I thought maybe eating more would push it down. My throat still felt a little sore, and while I finished up my Blizzard at home, I went to Google (mistake number one). I started Googling “How do you know if you have food stuck in your throat?”

According to the internet, it’s pretty common. Due to anxiety and the need to know everything because the unknown is scary, I kept digging. I read medical websites stating symptoms and saying it’s an ER trip because it might not pass on its own and cause damage. Eventually, I ended up on forums and I found horror stories. So naturally, my anxiety got worse and I started to convince myself I had food just stuck in my throat.

A Trip To The ER

I reasoned with myself that I should just go because I’d rather be safe than sorry. And I’m sure some of you might be thinking, why not just wait until morning to not pay for an ER trip for something so ridiculous that also might not be an actual emergency? Well, I am SO POOR, I get free services at any Yale New Haven Health medical center. Also on the off-chance I did have food stuck in my throat, waiting until the next day would have been a bad idea and I might die (anxiety logic).

So I grabbed my Kindle and headed to the hospital at 8pm on a Monday. Thankfully the hospital is 15 minutes away and there was no wait when I got there. The doctor came in, looked in my throat, and said it’s fine. He also felt my neck and told me one of my lymph nodes was swollen exactly where I said the pain was. He asked me if I was sick and I told him no, it just happened while I was eating dinner and otherwise I felt fine.

Later when the nurse came in, I told her the same thing and she at least believed me when I said I wasn’t sick. She said I probably just irritated my throat when I was eating dinner. Anyhoo, after a little bit of “observation time” and waiting for them to fill out my discharge paperwork, I was out after determining there was no food stuck in my throat. Woohoo!

Cue the Secondary Anxiety

So you’d think my anxiety would go away after being told the thing I was anxious about was not a concern. Nope! I’m not sure if I’ve ever talked about this on here, but I’m a bit of a germaphobe. So naturally, an emergency room does not feel like a safe place for me. I wore a mask when I went, I stripped my clothes and immediately put them in the wash when I got home, and I instantly went into the shower to cleanse myself.

This anxiety lasted for days and I’m still honestly anxious that I might get sick from that pointless visit. And then comes the anger with myself that I was so anxious I went to the ER for no reason and exposed myself to germs. At least the last couple times I was in a hospital it was because I was visiting family (although I will say that made me so anxious every single time) and then my trip due to my primary care sending me for my throat.

I don’t even know why I’m so afraid. I have autoimmune issues, but they’re not to the point that I’m immunocompromised. But the potential of getting sick makes me so anxious. It honestly might be residual anxiety from the pandemic. My anxiety around this was not as bad before the pandemic. But I now constantly do everything in my power to not get sick, sometimes even being anxious to go around my niece and nephew who are a toddler and baby because they always have some plague from daycare.

Reflections Post-Anxiety

I’ll start off by saying my throat was literally fine the next day. I must have just irritated it while eating dinner. Looking back, I should have just waited until the next day. It wasn’t like I was struggling to breathe or swallow. But, me reading in a forum that one person had food stuck and could breathe and talk fine sent me into a panic that it could be like that with me.

But, now I can laugh at it. We were out to dinner last night with my brother and my boyfriend said “I feel like I have something stuck in my throat” and he wasn’t saying it in a mocking tone or anything. He actually had the feeling. I looked at him and I was like “Oh I didn’t tell my brother about that” so then I told my brother and we all laughed about it when I retold the whole story. It’s funny to look back on now, and honestly even in the moment I knew I was probably being a bit ridiculous, but I just wanted to be CERTAIN I didn’t have anything stuck in my throat.

Anyhoo, I survived the ordeal AND I didn’t have to get an endoscopy done to search for and remove food from my throat. There’s a reason why I named my blog on TurningPointCT “Combating My Anxiety” because my anxiety can get a bit out of control…lol.

-Kailey

A couple months ago, I wrote about how I was dealing with massive debt. It’s been about a year now since I officially started dealing with debt. I’m happy to report that all of the accounts have been settled.

The last settlement was made a couple months ago and I’ve since made two payments to that creditor. I’m paying like $700 a month towards debt, which sucks, but it’ll only be until the end of next year. At least my credit is already going up and I have being debt free to look forward to next year.

Issues Along The Way

I wish I could say it was an easy and smooth process. In my last post, I had mentioned that one creditor had been calling my family members and I had to explain my situation to my family, both immediate and extended family. I ended up calling that debt collector back and it actually was an easy and reasonable process to settle that account outside of my debt program. Made me wish I had just answered and heard them out the first time.

A Lawsuit

The other bump in the road was getting served by Discover. The worst part is they sent the summons to my parents’ old house that they moved from. The house hadn’t sold yet and the summons letter was just shoved in the front door. If my mom hadn’t gone to check on the house, I would have had no idea. When we found it, my lawyers had already negotiated a settlement with Discover. Naturally, I was furious. I spent a lot of time on the phone with the debt people and thought it was figured out.

Present day, as in like in the last few weeks, I got a letter from the court saying there was a decision made in the case. Once again, I was livid because I have already made two payments to Discover. It was settled outside of court and now the court is just wasting their time making decisions on something that has already been settled and requires no legal action. I have proof of payment AND a copy of the offer letter that was signed off on. The case should have been dismissed after that, but nope. That’s actually something I still need to deal with. I’ll have to call Discover’s lawyer and the courthouse.

Lessons

Since this whole ordeal, I don’t get embarrassed about being poor anymore. I’m just blatantly honest with people about where I stand financially. Like, I’ll literally screenshot my bank account and be like “listen, I don’t have the money to do that right now” and thankfully, everyone is understanding about it.

I’m able to have honest conversations about money and finances with my boyfriend, which was something I felt that I couldn’t do with my ex. If I can’t afford groceries, I let my boyfriend know. If he doesn’t have the time to go to the store, he’ll give me his card to take care of it. But mostly, we’ll go together and he’ll pay when I can’t afford to help with groceries.

I’m able to voice that I feel bad about not being able to help more financially and how paying off debt is running me a bit dry because I have to pay so much a month. Not once does my boyfriend make me feel bad about it. He literally said “You have a roof over your head and food in the fridge, do what you gotta do to take care of the debt.” I’m really lucky to have a boyfriend who is so understanding and safe. It’s nice not having financial stuff held over my head.

Looking For A New Job

I’ve accepted that my current job does not pay enough. It’s full time with benefits, but in this economy, what I currently make is not a livable wage. Add paying off debt to monthly bills and it’s even less sustainable. Up until I got my tax refund, I was going into the negatives every month. Thankfully, it wasn’t a huge deal because my bank account is with Chime. They spot me when I go negative.

I’ve decided to put myself out there again to try and find a new job. I looked into peer support work and the mental health field. But, I haven’t found anything in those fields worth quitting my job for. However, I have found some jobs that I resonated with and applied for in other fields, but they have really long application timelines so I won’t hear back for a while.

As much as I’d like to make more money, I’m trying to apply for things that won’t make me completely miserable. Working an awful job just for the paycheck is not worth having my mental health deteriorate.

Working On Finances

On top of looking for applying for new jobs, I’m also working on being more mindful of what I’m spending. I haven’t made a budget or anything, but I don’t just constantly get myself little treats like I used to (cough cough, Starbucks). They were just bandaids for my poor mental health lol. I’ve started to do other forms of self-care that are cost effective.

I’m also actually putting money away into a savings now that I can afford to do that (thanks tax refund). On top of that, I do little things for extra cash to put away in my savings like returning bottles, surveys, scanning receipts, etc. Those used to be necessary for me to get by, but now I’m able to put them in my savings. Every little bit adds up.

It’s been an emotionally draining process, but by the end of next year I’ll be debt free! It’s all been worth it. I wish I started dealing with my debt sooner, but better late than never.

-Kailey

Over the last couple of years, I stopped using movement and exercise as a way to punish myself and my body. Instead, I started to use movement as a way to help with healing my relationship with myself and my body,

Before, I was never working out and moving my body because it was something I enjoyed doing. It was always about how I looked and about making myself smaller. I went to the gym and worked out because I wanted to be disciplined so I could be thin. I didn’t enjoy it and all I cared about was making myself look toned.

That mindset was awful mentally. It made me resent working out and moving my body. For me, it wasn’t enjoyable. It felt more like a punishment because my body didn’t look the way I wanted it to. I was doing it for all of the wrong reasons.

Today, I’m kinder to my body. Instead of exercising because I want to look thin, I’m moving my body and just celebrating what it can do. Now, I move my body in a way that’s enjoyable to me instead of doing the things I think will make me look thin.

Hiking has become a way for me to move my body and it’s been healing. I enjoy exploring new parks to find waterfalls and wildlife, hiking up hills and mountains for a good view, and just moving my body in a way that feels good to me. It’s a lot more healing to me than forcing myself to go to the gym and do exercises I don’t even like.

I’m not saying the gym is awful, but it didn’t work for me and my mental health. It became an obsession and I became way too focused on what I looked like. It wasn’t about being healthy, it was about being thin. Using hiking as my method for movement gives me something to look forward to because I’m getting to explore new places or enjoy parks I already love.

Here’s to using movement as a way to heal instead of as a punishment ❤️

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-Kailey

Due to some unfortunate circumstances that I’d rather not talk about here, I had to get rid of almost all of my clothes in my wardrobe last year. The awful thing was, I couldn’t afford to buy myself new clothes. It was a horrible feeling. I just felt so defeated.

Thankfully though, I had friends step in to help me to replace the clothes I had lost. One of my best friends from high school who moved across the country to Washington mailed me clothes she didn’t wear anymore. My other friend from middle school told people in her church about my situation and so many of them donated clothes and shoes to me. My cousin gave me a couple bags of clothes. Dominique, the old project assistant for TurningPointCT let me go through clothes she was giving away. I was really grateful for all of them.

I’ve been poor for years, so getting used clothes from others didn’t bother me. I’ve been taking hand me downs from people for years and they made up pretty much my entire wardrobe. In fact, I hadn’t REALLY shopped for clothes for myself in years aside from something here and there from Walmart (don’t judge, the clothes are affordable and actually really cute). My clothes were from people I knew or from the local Buy Nothing Group.

Getting New Clothes

Last year, I got a bonus of sorts from my job and I finally had a bit of disposable income to buy myself some clothes. First on my list was to get myself some jeans that ACTUALLY fit me (something I hadn’t had in years). It had been so long since I went jean shopping that I genuinely had no idea what size I needed. I quickly realized I’m still very much between sizes in some styles and brands.

When I finally found out my size, there was definitely a part of me that was insecure. But then I reminded myself they’ve been doing weird things with jeans sizes for years. After finding the size, I had to figure out what style of jeans I liked and felt comfortable in. As someone who struggles a lot with their body image, it was an agonizing couple of hours. I usually just wear black leggings everyday because it’s what I’m comfortable in.

Figuring Out My Style

While shopping, I tried things I wouldn’t typically wear like straight leg and mom jeans. I found some I liked and I bought them. But, I also got some skinny jeans, aka ole reliable. It’s been quite the experience trying to figure out my style after wearing other people’s hand me downs for years and just working with what I had.

I spent a lot of time last year trying to figure out my style and putting together outfits that I felt good in. I started to follow a lot of influencers who gave outfit ideas. Most of the people I followed have a similar body type to me because I wanted to feel confident, but I just didn’t know how to dress my body because I spent years hiding it in black leggings and oversized tops. After following some of the “mid size” clothing influencers, I realized my story is not that uncommon. I’m glad there are people on the internet to help me out with outfit ideas.

I slowly started to build a wardrobe with clothes I loved. I wish I could say that having clothes I love is enough to make me feel confident. But, I still have days where I’m changing five times and just wearing one of my tried and true outfits I know I’m comfortable in. Right now if I’m going out I have one dress I go for if it’s warm enough, a pair of straight leg pants with a white body suit, or leggings and a quarter zip or hoodie.

The other problem I have is having clothes I bought that I loved in the dressing room, but hate on me when I get home. I’ll put them on and think about wearing them in public, but I can’t get myself to wear them. My boyfriend will tell me I look fine, but when I look in the mirror everything just looks wrong and I’ll hate how the clothes look on me (specifically fitted tops).

Final Thoughts on Updating My Wardrobe

I’m still very much figuring it out, and some days I’m braver and more confident than others when it comes to my clothes. But, cheers to the progress I have made so far. If I ever have money again, I’d like to improve my wardrobe even more to have more options because I definitely have comfort outfits that I wear over and over to everything lol.

-Kaliey

The last week of February is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. As someone who has struggled with eating disorders since middle school, I feel that this is such an important week. While we learn about eating disorders in health class, I don’t think they really touch upon just how serious they are. You just get a quick general overview – at least that’s how it was for me way back in the day. I really do hope that things are different.

For those of you that don’t know, I have a long history of disordered eating, which I wrote about here. I restricted food regularly. I was never overweight by any means. But, between body dysmorphia, depression, and anxiety, it was about more than just how I looked. Sure, I cared about my appearance. But I also used it as a way to punish myself. Or, it was because I was too anxious or depressed to eat. It’s something I still very much struggle with today.

My Recovery Today

I wish I could say that I’m healed and better. But, as I just said, I still very much struggle. Eating disorders are one of those life long recovery things. There will be good periods, but there will also be bad periods. Much like other mental health issues, the recovery is not linear.

Struggles With Body Dysmorphia

I think the thing for me that still blows my mind is how much body dysmorphia distorts my view of myself. Recently, I was going through my old photos on my phone from years ago. I was trying to clean up some space on my phone and I came across a lot of old photos of me. There were so many pictures I saw of myself where I remember thinking I looked so fat and disgusting. I was significantly smaller than I was now. It absolutely blows my mind that I was looking at myself then and thinking I was huge back then.

It’s not even just with old photos of me either. To this day, I find myself staring at myself in the mirror and just hating what I see. I am heavier than I was years ago, but I’m by no means fat. I am a healthy, normal weight. But when I look in the mirror, the first thing that comes into my brain is “fat.” Yet, I’ll see unposed pictures of myself and then be blown away because the things I saw in the mirror were not reality.

When I’m posed and thinking about my body, I very much close into myself because I don’t want to be looked at or perceived. I’m terrified of what others think about me and my body. It’s hard not to be when social media is filled with tiny people and when comment sections of celebrities and influencers are filled with comments about their bodies.

And, because I’m so physically uncomfortable with myself, it shows in photos. I press my arms close to myself and my arms look huge. But, I know they’re not because I’ve seen unposed pictures of me and they’re fine. In fact, they look small. It’s just something I still really struggle with, I’m still learning to love my body and be confident in it. It’s been such a work in progress. I still find myself wearing oversized clothes to hide my body. I’ll try to wear other things to dress up. But, I feel so uncomfortable that I end up changing into clothes that hide everything. I will sometimes change 5 times before leaving the house.

Relationship with Food & Eating

In terms of my relationship with food, it’s a lot better. I don’t restrict foods or view anything as bad. But when it comes to actually eating, I still skip a lot of meals. Eating meals can still be a really daunting task for me. But, it’s not because I’m afraid of food or eating. It really has to do with my mental health and really just not wanting to cook. Thankfully, I have a boyfriend who recognizes this and will go out of his way to make me food to make sure I eat. He knows otherwise, I might go the whole day or most of the day without eating.

Wrapping Up

So all in all, I’m definitely doing relatively well in my recovery compared to where I’ve been with my struggle with eating disorders. The disordered eating is still very much a part of my life to this day. It’s easy to just fall back into the habit of not eating because my body is just so used to it. But, I have people who do look out for me and gently remind me to eat or ask if I’ve eaten, which helps.

If you are struggling with an eating disorder, know that there is help. I’d suggest working with a therapist who specializes in eating disorders and/or a nutritionist or dietitian to help you with eating. Nutritional rehabilitation an important part of treatment in order to restore the body and brain to sufficient health and to be able to proceed with psychological intervention.

-Kailey

You hear a lot of people talking about how toxic and damaging social media can be. I’m not saying I disagree with those statements. Social media can do a lot of damage to young people’s mental health (which I’ve written about here). I’ve definitely been a victim of it in the past. But, I want to talk about the positive sides of social media I’ve recently found.

Starting To Take My Travel Instagram More Seriously

Last year, I made a conscious effort to put time and effort into the Instagram account for my travel blog. Initially, I was really just looking at it like a job I had to do. I wanted to work on growing the account and the engagement. And, I did do just that. However, something unexpected came along with the growth. I found a community through my account.

Starting To Find My People

I started to follow a lot of New England based travel and hiking accounts. Those were things that were relevant to my niche. And, of course, they also happened to be things that I was interested in.

I was loving the content I was seeing and engaging with their content. In return, I found them engaging with my content. We are all like-minded people who just have a genuine love for exploring in New England and beyond. I found myself really looking forward to their content.

As I began to recognize the accounts and become familiar with them, I began to respond to their stories more and engage with them privately in DMs. We would talk about our experience as creators, talk about different places we’ve been going to, places we’re hoping to visit, etc. Later, I began to share memes back and forth with some because I’d see things that made me think of them. I truly found people that I genuinely connected with through my account.

Curating Your Social Media Feed & Making Friends

I think one of the great things about social media is that you can truly curate your feed to be something that resonates with you and brings you joy. I love going on my travel account and seeing what everyone is up to. It helps me discover places nearby that I had never heard of.

Recently, someone I follow did a seal tour out of Newport, RI that I never knew existed. I actually did the same tour yesterday because I asked her for the details. When I planned the trip, I told her thank you so much for telling me about it!

New Photography Friends

I’ve made a few new photography friends through my account as well. One inspired me to get back into bird photography because she just recently got into wildlife photography. We message back and forth about wildlife we’ve seen and we engage with each other’s content.

Another photography friend I’ve made is just as into waterfalls and taking long exposures of them as I am. So naturally, we go back and forth about waterfalls. It’s honestly been so awesome to just connect with people who are so into the things I am. And, they’re relatively local, which is awesome. One is in Connecticut and the other is just over the border of Connecticut in New York.

I find myself really looking forward to everyone’s content. I really feel like they just get me. And, I love seeing them engage with my content knowing I’m also helping them to find new places to visit or photograph at. Finding this community has really helped to change my view of what it means to be a creator on social media.

Now I’m more focused on posting content I’m actually passionate about. I know my followers are here because they have similar interests to me. Seeing their genuine comments and responses to my content is refreshing. It’s made me care less about going viral. And, I’m just enjoying being a part of the New England travel scene on Instagram. I love supporting their content and having their support in return.

Finding A Community On Threads (Meta’s Newest Social Media Platform)

I’ve also recently gotten really into Threads because it is full of photographers who are just supporting each other. There are a lot of travelers on Threads as well, but I’ve found myself really connecting with other photographers on the platform because that’s really where my background is. I’m getting back to my roots.

Right now, Instagram is just full of video content and I’m so burnt out by it. I hated feeling like I had to get video footage everywhere I went. I’m more of a photograph kind of gal. I also love how low-key it is on Threads. Oh and I love not feeling like I am at the will of some stupid algorithm. Everything just feels less forced. It’s a platform where people are really happy to engage with each other.

Final Thoughts

Have you found a community or people you really connect with on social media? Does social media feel like a safe space for you?

If you haven’t found your people yet or if social media feels uncomfortable for you, here are some tips to make social media a more enjoyable place for you:

• Find and follow accounts in your areas of interest. On my personal account, I pretty much have my feed curated to show me memes and cute animals. On my travel account, I have it curated to show me travel and hiking related content. On my photo account, it’s curated to see other artists photos from birds to landscapes. On Facebook, I’m in a bunch of wildlife and bird groups, meme groups, and groups of interest for me (like Twilight, The Office, etc). Eventually the algorithm will start showing you stuff related to your interests.
• Hide content that you don’t want to see or that makes you uncomfortable. If you tell the platform “I don’t want to see this” or “hide” it will eventually catch on to what you don’t want to see. It might not feel like you have control over what comes on your feed, but you really do have control. Hide those things you don’t want to see and unfollow or block accounts that you do not want to see content from.

-Kailey

I used to really love quotes growing up. I would spend hours on Tumblr hearting and reblogging my favorite quotes (does anyone even use Tumblr anymore?). I gravitated towards ones that were about depression because at the time, I just really found comfort knowing I wasn’t alone in what I was feeling.

I recently found myself on Tumblr looking at quotes and I instantly was drawn in by what I was reading. I saved some that really spoke to me as someone who has struggled with a variety of things. I wanted to share them here with you.

The Quotes

Take a shower, wash off the day. Drink a glass of water. Make the room dark. Lie down and close your eyes. Notice the silence. Notice your heart. Still beating. Still fighting. You made it, after all. You made it, another day. And you can make it one more. You’re doing just fine.

Charlotte Eriksson, You’re Doing Just Fine: Prose & Poetry from a Past That Was Never Present

And then I realized the fire was always burning within me, but the flames were busy keeping everyone else warm

Morgan Richard Olivier

The little things? The little moments? — They aren’t little.

John Zabat-Zinn

I do not exist to impress the world. I exist to live my life in a way that will make me happy.

Richard Bach, Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah

I am prepared for the worst, but I hope for the best.

Benjamin Disraeli

Being a person didn’t come naturally to me the way it seemed to for others. People who were sure of themselves awed me. I studied them and tried to mimic their ease.

Ruth Madievsky, All-Night Pharmacy

I see it now; how

I see it now; how we tend to hold pain so close, as if it is all we’re made of

Bianca Stone, from What Is Otherwise Infinite: Poems; “Cutting Odette’s Fingernails”

“I feel very small. I don’t understand. I have so much courage, fire, energy, for many things, yet I get so hurt, so wounded by small things.”

Anaïs Nin, from nearer the moon: the previously unpublished unexpurgated diary,1937-1939

You cannot make everyone think and feel as deeply as you do. This is your tragedy … because you understand them, and they do not understand you.

Daniel Saint

I stopped explaining myself when I realized people only understand from their level of perception.

Unknown

I was always ashamed to take. So I gave. It was not a virtue. It was a disguise.

The Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1944–1947

Start now. Start where you are. Start with fear. Start with pain. Start with doubt. Start with hands shaking. Start with voice trembling but start. Start and don’t stop. Start where you are, with what you have. Just… start.

Ijeoma Umebinyuo

You don’t find your worth in someone. You find your worth within yourself and then find someone who’s worthy of you. Remember that.

Unknown

I’ve always liked quiet people: You never know if they’re dancing in a daydream or if they’re carrying the weight of the world.

John Green, Looking for Alaska

Wrapping Up

Honestly, after finding these on Tumblr, it made me want to get back into reading to find some more! While I do read and listen to books for work five days a week, they’re not books that I own. So, I can’t highlight the quotes I really like, although I do take note of them.

I used to love reading on my Kindle and highlighting passages I liked to look back at later. My old Kindle died and I just upgraded, so I think now is the perfect time to get back into it!

Did any of the quotes in this post resonate with you?

If you’re like me and love quotes, share some of your favorites below! I’d love to read them 🙂

-Kailey

More Quote Posts

If you liked this post, you can also check out some of my older posts where I’ve shared quotes. There’s one about change and one where I share some I really needed to hear when I was struggling. There’s also another post where me and former project members shared our favorites.

I’ve talked about my experience with social anxiety in a previous post here on TurningPointCT. It’s been about two and a half years since I wrote that previous post. I thought I’d give you all an update on how my experience with social anxiety has gotten a bit better.

In 2023, I really had to push myself through my struggles with social anxiety. As you become an adult, there are more events that you really want to be at. Or, if you don’t want to go, you might feel obligated to go. In 2023, I had three weddings to go to.

I’ll be honest, the thought of having to go to weddings was really intimidating for me. This is because I’m introverted and someone who struggles with social anxiety. I think one thing that really helped me was knowing I’d have my boyfriend at two of the weddings. The other thing that helped was that one of the weddings was my cousin’s wedding. So at that wedding my whole family would be there.

The First Wedding of The Year

The first wedding of the year was my cousin’s wedding. I was on my own for that wedding because my boyfriend’s out of state friend was here. Thankfully, this was the wedding where not having him was totally fine since my family would be there. At this wedding, I had my parents, my siblings, my niece and nephew, my cousins, as well as my aunts and uncles. 10/10. I was actually really social. I even spent a lot of time on the dance floor, which was something I never did at previous weddings I went to.

The Second Wedding of The Year

The second wedding I went to was Ally’s, who was previously a blogger and more with the project in the past. After working on the project together, Ally and I stayed really close and I’m so thankful to have her as a friend. I was so excited to be able to be there for her special day! However, I definitely did have some anxiety about going to the wedding because I knew there wouldn’t be a lot of people I knew. But, thankfully I had my boyfriend there with me.

Turns out I didn’t need to rely to heavily on my boyfriend for support. Why? Because Ella, another young adult who worked on the project was also there with her boyfriend and so was Michael (who I also met while working on the project) with his partner. It was like a fun little reunion! It was awesome getting to catch up with them and celebrate Ally together! I spent a lot of time on the dance floor at this wedding too!

Wedding Number Three – The One That Really Tested My Social Anxiety

The third wedding I went to, I was the plus one. And to make matters worse, my boyfriend was the best man so I knew there would be a lot of time where I’d be on my own. I remember being so anxious because I wasn’t sure how I’d do on my own for hours.

Before The Ceremony

I showed up to the venue completely on my own. My boyfriend had to get there before me to get ready with the groom and groomsmen. When I got there, I noticed I arrived at the same time as someone I had known who’s husband was also in the wedding party. So, we walked in together. However, they were staying at the Inn, so she went to put her suitcases in their room when we got inside.

After she went upstairs, the groom’s parents greeted me because we had met the night before at the rehearsal dinner. The groom’s parents were super kind so I sat and talked with them while we waited for wedding things to start happening. Later, the woman I had walked in with came back and we started to chit chat again.

During The Ceremony

During the ceremony, I sat with the woman I knew. It was nice to be with someone I knew. I was shocked that not only was I doing fine without my boyfriend, but I was actually socializing and feeling comfortable. It’s not something I would have ever thought I’d be able to do.

The Reception

During the reception after the ceremony, I was finally reunited with my boyfriend. We were sitting at a fun table with the bride and groom’s siblings who were all around our age. They were a lot of fun and also super kind. And just like the other two weddings I went to, I spent a lot of time on the dance floor! It still blows my mind because in the past, I never wanted to be in the action.

All in all, I had a really successful year being a wedding guest! I really got myself out of my comfort zone because I was tired of being on the sidelines. I still don’t love big social events, but I’ve found ways to be comfortable. Having people I’m comfortable around definitely really helped me out at each of the weddings. It also helps to not feel like you’re surrounded only by strangers.

My Social Anxiety Today

Honestly, I’m still really introverted. When I hear about parties, I’m instantly like ugh I don’t want to go. But, I usually end up fine. I went to my niece’s second birthday party and I was social with people who I didn’t know. I had my boyfriend with me, but we were socializing with my brother and his friends and honestly having a lot of fun. It helped that they seemed to have the same sense of humor we did, which I suppose isn’t surprising since they were my brother’s friends. My sister-in-law was so shocked to see me actually talking that she said from across the room “oh my god Kailey are you actually socializing??” because my family knows I’m notorious for not socializing with people I don’t know.

So, what changed?

Honestly, I think meeting new people at some of the weddings I went to last year really helped me to realize that for the most part, people are really kind. Before I was too shy and afraid to talk to people I didn’t know. But, now I’ve learned that there’s nothing scary about it. I’ve also found it helps me if others are the first to start engaging in a conversation with me because I’m still not keen on approaching people I don’t know.

You can’t stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.

A.A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh

I never thought I’d be someone who could ever be comfortable in a social setting, but I’m definitely learning. I get so excited every time I notice how different I am now. I’ll literally say to my boyfriend “did you see how social I was being!?” I think he has also helped me a lot with it. He’s aware of my struggles with social situations. And, he’s always really patient with me, trying to never put me in an uncomfortable situation. It also helps that he has really kind friends who immediately accepted me!

Is social anxiety something that you’ve struggled with? If so, what’s helped you?

-Kailey

On MLK Jr. Day, I decided to make the most of having the day off with a day trip to the Hudson Valley in New York. I like to take solo day trips when I can. It’s something I’m actually really comfortable with even though it stresses my family out that I travel hours away all by myself.

The day of the trip, I was so excited I practically sprang out of bed. I got up and made myself breakfast, which is something I almost never do. Usually the only reason I eat is because my boyfriend will make me something. But this day, I was up before him and I made an egg sandwich for me AND for my boyfriend.

Not only did I make myself breakfast, but I also made myself a sandwich for lunch. I had all of my camera gear charged up. Everything was packed and ready to go. I was off to a great start and ready for my waterfall adventure in New York.

The Trip

My two and a half hour drive was great I was passing the time with my Spotify liked songs on shuffle. Most people hate driving, but driving for hours and hours doesn’t bother me. It’s really just another way I get my me-time. I especially love driving to the mountains because the views are always so breathtaking, even from the road.

I made it to my destination in one piece. And, the conservancy I went to was even better than I was expecting it to be. It featured two stunning waterfalls. One was 150 feet tall! You can view the video of my visit, but I’ve also attached photos below.

After this, I drove an hour west to the Catskills to check out another waterfall. The drive through the mountains on the scenic byway never fails to take my breath away. I got to the waterfall and enjoyed an awesome partially frozen waterfall.

Anxiety Joins The Trip

Now, I’m going to get into the anxiety. It started with me getting anxious about the fact that I hadn’t peed since 6am (it had been like 7 hours). It was manageable anxiety, but still anxiety. Since it’s the winter and I was in the middle of the mountains hiking, there were not bathrooms at the trailheads. Due to the lack of access to bathrooms, I was not drinking as much water as I should have been. Mistake? Probably.

I then stopped at a coffee shop in Catskill, NY and get a hot chocolate hoping there was going to be a bathroom. I didn’t see one, and the anxiety rises slightly. But, it was still manageable. Since I paid for a parking meter, I decided to explore a bit downtown. On my walk I stumbled upon a needles and syringes disposal box. I immediately went back to my car.

I looked at the map and noticed not far from downtown Catskill there was a small park on the Hudson River. So, I drove there. When I’m out, I like checking out little parks I find. But, there was definitely a little part of me that was hoping for a bathroom… But, as I said, it’s the winter so of course when I got there, there was no open bathroom. I pulled the handle of the bathroom at the park and it was locked. So, I left and continued heading back to Connecticut.

The Journey Home

I sent my boyfriend a text to let him know I was officially on my way home, while also letting him know I hadn’t peed since I was at home earlier in the morning. He was like “no way” and for whatever reason his disbelief intensified my anxiety. I started to get a little panicky, but continued onward because what else was I supposed to do?

So, I was driving through no man’s land on some state routes in the mountains and hills of New York. I drove by some gas stations and grocery stores and then got pissed at myself for not stopping at them to go to the bathroom. For some context, I hate using public restrooms because I am a germaphobe. I don’t even like using the bathrooms at work or at other people’s houses.

Finding A Bathroom

Finally, I reached the little town of Millerton that’s on the New York/Connecticut border. It’s a super cute small town, one that I’ve stopped in before. I finally decided to just attempt to go to the bathroom in one of the gas stations. First, I tried a Cumberland Farms, and of course the bathroom was out of order.

After, I got up the courage to go to the gas station that’s two buildings over. Thankfully, that one had a bathroom. It smelled like cigarette smoke, but I was just thankful to have a spot to go to the bathroom since I was still 100 miles away from home.

I didn’t want to be that person that used the bathroom and bounced. So, I bought a lemonade and a hand sanitizer because I was out and ya know, it’s a necessity to a germaphobe.

When I got outside, I noticed that the cap to the hand sanitizer (it was one with a pump) was unscrewed. I didn’t want to go back in and ask to swap it out because of anxiety of being a burden. My brain was definitely like “what if it’s tampered with or poisoned” but then I was like whatever. I just wanted to go home.

I got into my car and I cracked open my lemonade and immediately chugged some. SUDDENLY, I started to panic because I didn’t remember hearing the snap that typically happens when you open a brand new bottle. I started to panic thinking that the lemonade was poisoned or drugged. Full blown anxiety attack ensues and I’m 100 miles/2 hours away from home. I cannot make this up. This is…living with anxiety.

Reaching Out For Some Opinions To Try And Soothe My Anxiety

I texted my brother in a joking tone about my little predicament, asking if I should not finish my drink. He responds “Probs not lol.” Queue more panic because I already drank some. I was not expecting that answer and I started to really spiral. The anxiety symptoms hit me like a freight train. He then tried to tell me it was probably fine and to not worry about it. But, it was too late.

I then texted my boyfriend and I was just honest. I told him I was basically having a nervous breakdown. Thankfully, he didn’t tell me I’m crazy, even though I was acting completely irrational, convinced I’d been poisoned or something. He even went as far as doing some Googling for me and asking me some questions and he told me I was likely fine since I didn’t have any symptoms. He said he doubted someone would drug or poison some random lemonade since there’s no motive. Not once does he make me feel bad or insane.

Stuck With My Anxiety & My Thoughts

I was stuck with myself and my thoughts for hours. Lots of time to think about it. I started getting mad at myself saying I shouldn’t have stopped at the gas station. Or, I shouldn’t have bought anything there. Then, it was “why didn’t I check to see if the seal was intact on the drink?” I refused to touch the drink for the rest of the ride. I wanted to throw it out, but then I was like “well I can’t, what if they need to test it for poison or drugs?”

Then for some reason during this meltdown I start to panic about touching the handle at the park back in Catskill. I thought about the needle and syringe drop off and I thought that seemed it seemed like a bad area. So naturally, my panicked brain was like “what if there was fentanyl on the handle and you’re going to OD?”

I literally had thoughts of wrapping my car around a tree because I was just so overwhelmed that I wanted to die. All of this stemmed from not being sure if the seal on my lemonade was secure or not. Odds are it was fine, but I couldn’t see reason. There was just an impending sense of doom and despair. If you don’t have an anxiety disorder, this kind of spiraling probably makes no sense to you. But this is the reality of having an anxiety disorder.

So, What Happened After?

I got home safely and I immediately washed my hands and then rinsed my mouth with mouthwash. Even as I was doing it, I knew it was irrational. I was terrified to kiss my boyfriend, thinking I might have some dangerous substance on my lips that would harm him too. I got into the shower ASAP because I felt like I was covered in dangerous germs and poisons.

This happened yesterday, and happy to report I’m totally fine and still breathing. I can look back at this now and see just how irrational it was. Honestly, I can kind of laugh about it now. But in the moment, it was definitely not funny.

I’ll leave you with this: Anxiety is wild. Please be nice to your anxious friends and family. We are not okay😂😭

BUT ALSO, if you had the day off for MLK Jr. Day, I hope you enjoyed your day!!

– Kailey

I have a lot of health issues that run in my family. Because of this, I have to get pretty routine blood work. It wasn’t until I was a teenager that I first started to get blood drawn. I found out quickly I could tolerate it as long as I didn’t watch the needle going in, drawing blood, and then coming out. Veins have just always really freaked me out. I can’t look at them with or without needles.

Once I started to get routine blood work, I found out that I am a bit of a hard poke. I have pretty small veins that sometimes require a baby needle. Or, they’ll have to take from my hand or wrist with a baby needle. After talking to some family members who also have this issue, I learned that it’s important to advocate for myself to make not only my life easier, but the life of the phlebotomist easier.

The Anxiety Around Getting Blood Work Is Born

When I was 22, I had my first really bad experience with getting my blood drawn. I was getting my routine blood work done, but something really weird happened. She initially had a really hard time finding a vein and she poked me couple of times with no luck.

When she did finally get a vein, I felt what I can only describe as a shot of electricity go up my arm. I mentioned it to the phlebotomist and she didn’t really seem too concerned about it, so I didn’t sweat it. Later, I realized that something really wasn’t quite right. Turned out she hit a nerve and I had a nerve injury.

This was where my anxiety around getting blood work started. I was angry and upset because she didn’t listen to me when I had voiced my concerns. I couldn’t move my arm without having a weird tingling sensation shooting up my arm and there was pain. At the time, I was in college and I remember having a really hard time getting my backpack on and off. I couldn’t straighten my arm without discomfort.

It lasted for weeks. I had so much anxiety that it would never get better because of course I spent a bunch of time on the internet researching it. Whenever things like this happen to me, I always assume the worst and that I’ll be one of the few who never gets better. But, I did get better.

The Aftermath of the Anxiety Around Getting Blood Work

After this incident, I only had one Quest Diagnostics that I trusted to go get my blood drawn at. I couldn’t stop getting blood work just because I had a traumatic incident. But, for years I’d never go to anywhere to get my blood drawn besides this one in Norwich.

I remember my first blood draw after the incident, I told the phlebotomist about it. She actually said she wasn’t that surprised that it happened. She said the place it happened is known for having a lot of new and inexperienced phlebotomists. I don’t hate inexperienced new people because everyone starts somewhere. But, as someone who knows they’re a hard poke, I feel more comfortable with someone who is more experienced.

I slowly became more comfortable and trusting again. I continued to start off every appointment with “I’m a hard poke, you might have to use a baby needle on me or draw from my hand.” Usually they really appreciate me telling them. Then, they find out for themselves that I really was not kidding and we can joke about it.

A New Quest Diagnostics

Fast forward to 2023. I moved and it just wasn’t convenient for me to go to my one trusted Quest. I hesitantly decided to try a different one in my current town.

The first time I got a girl who was a bit inexperienced. She was having a really hard time finding a vein. She ended up asking for help from someone that was more experienced. The more experienced person was able to find one and poke me no problem. I was happy with the experience and I felt comfortable going back.

Then, I went back for some more blood work a few months later to that same one in my town. I wasn’t worried or stressed, assuming it would be all good. I was wrong. It didn’t end with a nerve injury. But, I did end up with it being painful and I was bruised pretty badly. I had tried to tell her like I tell everyone else that I’m a hard poke. She didn’t really take me seriously and she ended up hurting me.

Since I’m really uncomfortable with veins, I had a really hard time with the bruise from it. It’s going to sound so ridiculous, but I’d feel physically sick when I could feel the pain from the bruise when I moved my arm. I also felt sick every time I looked at it.

Going Back To The Quest In Town

Shortly after that, I had to go back AGAIN for some more blood work. It was then that I found out at the last time I had gotten blood work really affected me. When I pulled up, I was so anxious that I was going to get the same woman who didn’t listen to me and bruised me. I remember texting my boyfriend telling him how I was having really bad anxiety. My heart was racing, my hands felt numb, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

Despite the anxiety, I went inside. Thankfully, I had someone different than the last time, which put me a bit more at ease. However, she could definitely tell I was anxious and she was really kind, asking me if I was okay throughout. I had told her about being a hard poke and the chance she might have to use a baby needle. She was understanding and she listened. She did end up using a baby needle and taking from my hand.

Moral of The Story

When it comes to medical stuff, don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself. While my anxiety around getting blood work has definitely gotten better since the one traumatic incident, I still do get anxiety. What helps me is letting all of the phlebotomists know I’m a hard poke and what’s worked in the past. This helps alleviate some of my anxiety and it helps them with their job of drawing my blood.

There’s never been a time where I have regretted using my voice at these appointments. It’s the times I didn’t advocate for myself that I’ve regretted. I wish I had done more after I got the nerve injury. But, I never even went back to the place to talk to anyone about what had happened. I just avoided that place and found my safe place for getting my blood drawn.

If that ever happens again, I will speak up. Honestly I hope it never happens again. For now, I’ll continue with my little spiel before I get my blood drawn.

– Kailey

I’m going to start by saying that I had such an amazing 2023 (despite dealing with a traumatic eye infection lol). 2023 consisted of several trips, time spent doing things I enjoy, working on having better connection with others, and even getting more comfortable with going out of state by myself. I think I really grew as a person in so many ways. I also really learned to choose myself.

The year started off rough. Just a lot of personal things and a lot of significant changes. The changes were 100% for the better. But, that didn’t make dealing with big life changes any easier. Adjusting takes time.

Here’s my 2023 recap broken down into months:

January

I started the year off with leaving a long term relationship that I was in for just over 5 years. At the end of 2022 I knew I needed to do it, but it took time for me to make a realistic plan to leave. I was terrified because I really had nothing and I knew I couldn’t afford a place of my own, so I had to find somewhere to crash immediately after. While it was the best decision for myself, it was still so hard.

February

I spent most of February really trying to reconnect with myself. Honestly, I really lost myself in my last relationship trying to be who I thought I needed to be not only my partner, but also because I had five animals, three cats and two dogs. I honestly felt suffocated and trapped because having two puppies was a lot of work and I wasn’t getting the help I needed with them. Whenever I went anywhere, I always had at least one dog with me. I really did not have any true me time.

With all of that being said, in February of this year after I had adjusted into the new space I was living, I started making an intentional effort to get outside again. Aside from work, I had no responsibilities. As soon as I got out of work, I could do whatever I wanted to do with my time. That time in nature really helped to ground me and it was a good way to rediscover how much I enjoyed going out and doing things on my own.

During this time, I also was spending a lot of time with my family. I was living next door to my parents and I found myself over there frequently to hangout with my parents, my sister, and their cats. Oh and because I was broke, I was also mooching their food…🤣

March

Solo adventures continued. I was going somewhere to hike or walk everyday when I got out of work. It was something I looked forward to a lot. I loved just getting out and experiencing things.

March was also the month I finally started to deal with my debt. I had been avoiding it for so long because of shame and anxiety. But, I had no choice because it was at the point where I couldn’t afford to make the monthly payments anymore. I couldn’t even afford to feed myself.

I also started seeing someone new. Now, I’m sure a lot of people probably are tsk tsk tsking me for starting a relationship so soon after ending a long term relationship. But, this wasn’t just a fling with a random. This was someone who I was really good friends with. They had also really helped me with my mental health when I was struggling in 2022. I struggled a lot with suicidal ideation. They were there for me and never judged me.

On the last day of March, we left for our trip to Upstate New York, which was exciting!

April

Beginning of the month, we were on my birthday weekend getaway. Lots of waterfalls, mountains, and gorges. Oh, and this is when I got pink eye for the first time in my life. Aside from the pink eye, we really did have an awesome trip and we were able to see a lot. We also just had so much fun together. The trip was full of laughter.

On April 4th, I turned 26. Didn’t expect to start my 26th year of life with my eyes swollen shut, but I guess worse things could have happened. I’m thankful to have made it to 26. With all of my struggles with my mental health, there were a lot of times in my life that I never thought I’d make it to my mid 20s.

But, due to the pink eye, my first few weeks of 26 came with a lot of doctors appointments. On top of having pink eye, I also had some sort of infection causing me a sore throat so I had that examined. I went to this appointment with my primary care doctor on my lunch break thinking it would be pretty routine. I was wrong.

My doctor said she saw something in my throat and she didn’t know what it was. She was looking on Google, she brought in a PA, and then they thought I might have something abnormal going on. I was sent to get an X-Ray to see what was going on. My lunch break ended up being much over the allowed 30 minutes, which thankfully my job is flexible and it was chill.

Lol, The X-Ray 👇🏼

When the doctor got the results from the X-Ray people, she called me and told me to go to the emergency room, thinking I might have epiglottis, which can be fatal. Essentially, it’s a swelling of the epiglottis and basically it could swell to the point that it blocked my windpipe making me suffocate. I went to the ER just to find out I simply have a very “pronounced” epiglottis – the most pronounced that the ER nurse had ever seen.

Anyhoo, I got antibiotics for whatever infection I had in my throat. It cleared it up right away, but I finished the 10 day dose. Shortly after though, I had hives all over my neck and face. It was then that I learned I’m allergic to amoxicillin. I probably would have known this sooner if my mom let me take antibiotics growing up lol.

Despite all of this, I survived April, my first month as a 26 year old. Oh, and I moved to a new spot.

May

May included more outdoor time, of course. At this point I had been living in the coastal town for about a month. I discovered it is only a five minute walk to the shore, so that became a routine of mine. I walked from beach to beach to parks in town. I’d see tons of ospreys flying overhead. Discovering this little oasis was great because honestly, I couldn’t afford to drive anywhere at this point.

In May, I had also started to shop for new clothing. I had two weddings I needed to find dresses for and my wardrobe just needed an upgrade. As someone with a history of eating disorders and body dysmorphia, this is not one of my favorite things to do. But, I did find some clothes that I was comfortable with and bathing suits.

Another big thing for me in May was I cut off a significant amount of my hair. It was cathartic in a way. I hadn’t cut my hair in years because I was traumatized by a previous haircut where they chopped all of my hair off at a trim. Like…my hair was just above my bum and when she brought my hair forward it was above my shoulders. I was happy with this haircut though and it helped me get over that fear.

June

This month I took at family vacation to North Conway, New Hampshire in the White Mountains. In the past I’ve struggled with family vacations, but this one went so smoothly. I had my own vehicle and my parents and sister followed me to all of the place I had picked out, mostly waterfalls. I liked having that safe space where I could just relax with my music in between enjoying time with them. We also went to the top of Mount Washington via The Cog Railway, which was cool!

In June, I also went to the beach in a bathing suit for the first time in years. This was not an easy thing to do for me. My body has changed a lot and it’s a big reason I haven’t gone to the beach during the summer in years. I also live in the town where I went to school so I was worried about people from high school seeing me. I didn’t want people looking at me because I just wasn’t comfortable in my body. Again, this was due to history of eating disorders.

July

July is when I lost my grandfather. He is the first grandparent I ever lost and he was always the grandparent that I was closest with. We had a really strong connection through our love of music, both listening to it and playing it. I spoke about him at his funeral, which I’m sure shocked everyone because of my anxiety around public speaking.

July I spent a lot of time with family. I took a couple of trips out of state with family. One two New York with my mom and sister and one to Boston with my brother, which were enjoyable. When all the various family gatherings became too much for me, I turned to alone time in nature. Hikes with good views are always something that help me stay present in the moment and grounded.

August

In August, I started trying to embrace my naturally wavy hair. I had discovered the curly girl method and I was intrigued. I really wanted to just love my natural hair.

Mid month, I took a spontaneous trip to Maine with a friend to go on a whale and puffin cruise. We drove four and a half hours to Boothbay and visited the Coastal Maine Botanical Gardens before going on the cruise in Boothbay Harbor. Such a fun day trip.

September

In the beginning of September, I went to former TurningPointCT member Ally’s wedding, and it was literally the most beautiful wedding ever. Truly could not be any happier for her. When we finally saw each other that night, we just squealed with happiness on the dance floor.

My boyfriend and I made the most of making the trip out to her wedding and we did some hiking in Connecticut, Massachusetts, and New York. I think my favorite hike was the one up to the fire tower in New York, which had such great views.

At the end of the month, we had another wedding to go to. My boyfriend was the best man in this wedding and I was extremely nervous about having to be alone with people I didn’t know well while he did best man related things. I shocked myself with how social I was and I really came out of my shell. Never in a million years would have thought I’d be able to go to a wedding and be totally okay socially. I was so proud of myself for relaxing actually talking to people.

This month, I also did a solo waterfall excursion in the Pocono Mountains, which I wrote about here.

October

October called for all of the fall festivities! It’s one of my favorite seasons and I love watch the leaves change. I went to the White Mountains to check out the foliage, drove around locally to check out foliage, and even did a solo tower adventure in northwestern Connecticut! It was quite literally magical.

Of course, I also did fun Halloween things like carving pumpkins and making pumpkin and ghost cookies, because I’m a sucker for stuff like that.

November

November was the month of beach sunsets. Since it was starting to get dark really early, I made it my mission to try and catch the sunset as often as I could after work. It was something that really brought my joy. I went to so many local spots I had never watched a sunset from before. Each sunset really left me in awe. I don’t think I’ll ever get over watching the sun setting behind the water. These sunsets really made me realize that I don’t need much to bring me happiness.

This month, I also took another solo trip. I went to Pennsylvania again to hit some waterfalls I missed, then went right over the border to the tallest waterfall in New Jersey, and then I hit Sleepy Hollow, NY on my way home because it had been on my list for a while. That was such a fun little day trip.

December

This month was filled with festivities! I went to see so many holiday lights, some which I had never heard of! I also spent a lot of time going to cafes that were relatively close to me that I had never been to before. After the cafes, I’d explore the area and I found a ton of small parks I had never been to!

December also consisted of an absolute last minute trip to Cape Cod with my brother. We ended up walking to the absolute tip of The Cape and we saw two lighthouses. Then we spent the night in Provincetown before spontaneously stopping in Newport on our way back to Connecticut.

I also did my now annual trip to NYC with my brother for the holidays. My brother has his own family now and I don’t see him that often. So, it was nice to have a day to have another day with him even if we did end up walking 14 miles…but I did get to see a lot of the city that I’ve never seen before!

In terms of the actual holidays, they were super laid back this year, which I was thankful for. We split it up between two days, one day with my family and another day with my boyfriend’s family. I was happy for how relaxing it was and for not feeling like I had to run around everywhere.

Setting the boundary for me to pick just one event for my family instead of doing both was uncomfortable, but I was so glad I did it. I don’t anticipate doing much for New Year’s out of the ordinary because partying is not really my thing. I’m hoping to do a New Year’s hike and spend New Year’s Eve on relaxing at home.

Wrapping Up This 2023 Recap

If you made it this far, thanks for reading! It’s been a crazy year! I think my favorite part of this year was how much I was able to travel. I’m hoping to do even more next year!

I hope you all have a happy and healthy New Year! 🙂

– Kailey

As I look back on 2023, I can’t help but look back at something that happened at the beginning of the year that really had an effect on me. In April, I got my first eye infection ever. And as dramatic as this is going to sound, it was absolutely traumatic. The pink eye experience still effects me to this day.

A Fun Birthday Trip

Let me take you back to the beginning. This year, I wanted to do something special for my birthday. I decided that I wanted to take a trip and I eventually settled on Upstate New York. I booked the rooms and made an itinerary. I was really excited for this little weekend getaway.

The trip was awesome. We started the trip in the Catskills hiking to Kaaterskill Falls. Then, we made our way to Ithaca, New York. In Ithaca, we checked out a bunch of waterfalls and also saw one of the Finger Lakes! Anyone who knows me I’m happiest by waterfalls or really any body of water.

The Pink Eye

Things were great, until on the last day of the trip, I woke up and realized that I couldn’t open my eye. I’ll spare you the graphic details/pictures, but I essentially had to pry my eye open. I immediately woke up my boyfriend because I just had no idea what to do.

We looked into having me go to a walk-in, but because we were out of state, I decided not to. It wasn’t an emergency. So, we finished off the trip with some more waterfall adventures.

I then stubbornly drove the five hours back to Connecticut, despite my eye now being extremely uncomfortable at this point. When we were thirty minutes from home, I finally gave up and had my boyfriend drive. I couldn’t take it anymore.

Finally Dealing With It

When I got home, I went right to the walk-in clinic. The physician quite literally looked at my eyes and was like “yup, pink eye” and then prescribed me some eye drops. At this point it was only in one eye so I was supposed to just use them on that one eye.

The next day was my birthday. It had spread to both eyes. Happy birthday to me, right? What’s better than swollen eyes and discomfort? I woke up not being able to open either of my eyes. My boyfriend had to get me a wet washcloth to ease them open. What a way to start my 26th year of life.

Now you’d think the eye infection would go away pretty quickly, right? Wrong. It seemed never ending. I spent weeks waking up unable to open my eyes and needing my boyfriend to get me a washcloth to open my eyes. My eyes hurt so badly, I couldn’t look at screens. I had to blow through my PTO. I even had to cancel a trip with my family to the Jersey Shore. My family went, but I had to stay away because I still had pink eye.

I had so many doctors visits. I went to my primary care just as a follow up to check my eyes. She knew they were irritated, but she couldn’t say whether or not they were still infected so she had me go to an actual eye doctor.

Post Eye Infection

When I finally got in with a new eye doctor since my last one retired, the infection was confirmed gone, but I was still having a lot of issues with my eyes. He did a ton of tests on my eyes and I got them dilated for the first time (which was traumatic in itself). He told me I have dry eyes, but he seemed skeptical that it was from the eye infection (even though my eyes were not like this prior).

The discomfort and pain lasted for weeks, which turned into months. It was actually so bad that I started to have suicidal ideation (I actually found out that this is something other people experience, which you can read more about here). I didn’t want to live the rest of my life having eyes that were ruined from an eye infection. I honestly felt like my eyes would never be the same.

I couldn’t even watch TV with my boyfriend because it hurt my eyes that badly. I was constantly needing to use eye drops and using warm compresses on my eyes. I was waking up with my eyes so dry it was uncomfortable to open them and my vision was blurry. I couldn’t take it anymore, it was effecting my quality of life. I’m lucky that I have a boyfriend I was able to express all of this to who did not judge me for having those extreme thoughts.

What was worse was that my brother and sister-in-law had it a couple of weeks before I got it (I didn’t get it from them), yet they weren’t having any after effects from the infection. Even my boyfriend who ended up with it from me wasn’t dealing with the after effects. It was awful.

Present Day

I still deal with the physical effects, aka dry eyes. They’ve definitely gotten better, but I still wake up with them really dry, making my eyes uncomfortable to open and making my vision blurry in the morning. Looking at the computer screen to clock into work right after rolling out of bed is absolutely horrific and I usually do it with my eyes squinted mostly shut. Otherwise, it’s too intense.

But, here’s the thing. It also scarred me mentally. Getting pink eye is now one of my biggest fears. I’m petrified to touch my eyes now (I really wish this was an exaggeration). If I want to rub my eye, I HAVE to wash my hands or I won’t touch them, even if they’re so itchy that it’s uncomfortable. I also use tissues to rub them a lot because I still lowkey don’t trust my hands even after I’ve washed them.

If my eyes are even a little bit puffy, I begin to panic thinking it’s an eye infection. If my eyes are just a little too itchy, panic over potential eye infection. If my eyes are red from being dry, I still get paranoid it’s an eye infection.

In short, these are things I absolutely need to work through. It’s not as intense as when it first happened, but the fear is definitely still there.

Anyhoo, thanks for coming to my trauma dump about the eye infection that ruined a significant part of my year. Despite this, I really did manage to have a good year!

– Kailey

I’ve been trying to be really intentional about getting outside lately. With daylight savings leaving me with just a few hours to get some vitamin D, it’s really pushed me to get outside when I end my work day. I don’t want to waste any of those precious hours of sunlight.

Since daylight savings, I’ve probably gone to see more sunsets in a few weeks span than I have for months. I think as much as I hate how early the sun goes down now, it makes it a lot easier for me to get out to watch the sunset on a week day when I get out of work. Living on the shoreline, there isn’t a shortage of places to watch the sunset close to home. I can get a walk in and see the sunset and be home by like 5pm and have the rest of the night to wind down and do work if I need to.

Some pictures from one of my recent local sunset adventures at Seaside State Park:

I’ve discovered so many local land trusts and parks that I had previously never explored because I am trying to stay close and do shorter walks due to only having a few hours of sunlight.

I’ve also been trying to be really intentional about getting out on the weekends. I try to do longer hikes on the weekends when I have more time and daylight. Recently, I took a day trip by myself where I went to Pennsylvania, New Jersey, and New York. I saw two stunning waterfalls and saw a cute lighthouse along the Hudson River.

This weekend, I did a more local hike in Meriden, CT to Castle Craig. This was kind of a kill two birds with one stone adventure. I wanted to do the stunning hike with great views of the reservoir in the park and I timed it so it was dark by the time I finished to see the Festival of Silver Lights going on in Hubbard Park.

Video from my hike to Castle Craig at Hubbard Park:

@dailylifetravels

One of my favorite hikes in Hubbard Park 🫶🏼 #connecticuthiking #hikect #hiking #connecticut #meridenct #hubbardpark #hubbardparkct

♬ Under Giant Trees – Agnes Obel

– Kailey

Last year, I sat down and talked about struggling financially in a podcast here on TurningPointCT. While I was pretty honest about some of my struggles, I didn’t share how much debt I was in. Honestly, I might not have known back then because I was too anxious to even sit down and deal with it.

Earlier this year as I was preparing to leave my partner of five years, I was forced to sit down and take a look at my finances. I knew I didn’t make much. I knew I had been spending more than I made for quite some time, knowing I was paying for things I could not afford to. But, I was expected to pay for things. In an effort to not be a that person who doesn’t contribute their share, I threw everything on my credit cards. I was so afraid of admitting I was poor to my partner that I ended up with $20k of credit card debt.

I was throwing the minimum payments on my four credit cards every month, never having a late payment. But, the interest caught up to me and I found myself not able to keep my head above water. The interest was shooting me above my credit limit on every single one of my cards. It got to the point where I couldn’t keep up. My entire paychecks were going towards my debt, leaving no money for anything else. I quite literally could not feed myself.

Damage Control

After months of not being able to feed myself, I realized I had no choice but to do something about it. After some researching, I contacted a group that does debt consolidation. I qualified for the program and started my journey towards tackling my debt.

I didn’t tell my family. They knew I was poor. I made jokes about it all the time, but I didn’t want them knowing it was more than just being poor and the absolute mess I made of my finances. I quite literally put myself into financial ruins because I was so embarrassed that I was so poor at 25 years old. Nobody thinks they’ll be 25 and not able to afford to keep themselves alive.

I now put money towards my debt every two weeks when I get paid. I also have a team working to lower my debt with creditors. A part of the process is literally not paying your credit card bills. This obviously results in calls from creditors and debt collectors you’re not supposed to answer, which can be really uncomfortable.

I didn’t care much, until a debt collector contacted my entire family looking for me. Like I’m not just talking my parents and siblings, but my cousins, aunts, and uncles. Not a fun thing to explain when you didn’t tell your parents or even your brother that you were dealing with this. Then having to explain to my cousins and uncles…awful.

Reflections

The journey has been rough. I hate that I waited so long before I dealt with what was happening. I cannot believe I did not start this process sooner, before I had racked up $20k in debt. But, I think what’s worse is that my shame around not having money and not just being honest with those close to me who could have helped is worse. But, that stems from other issues like not feeling worthy and feeling like a burden. I did not feel worthy and I felt like a failure because I couldn’t afford to contribute to household things.

This is a really vulnerable thing for me to be sharing. But, I know a lot of other young people might be facing similar struggles financially. If you’re struggling with debt or feeling like you just cannot afford to be alive, I see you and I feel you. I’ve lived it. I want you to know that you’re not less than or unworthy of others because you’re not financially well off. I also want you to know that there are programs that can help you with your situation. It sucks, but you’re not trapped and destined to be stuck in the situation you’re in.

-Kailey

I’ve written an update on my debt situation, which you can read here.

This year, I lost my first grandparent. I’m very lucky to have made it to 26 years old with all four of my grandparents. Not many people can say that.

But this year, I dealt with what felt like my first major loss. When I was in fifth grade, I lost my aunt to breast cancer, but I was so young then, I’m not really sure I understood what was happening. I knew she was gone, but I don’t remember truly grieving. Sure, I was sad, but I don’t think I understood fully what death meant.

I spent so much time with my grandfather. There was nothing he loved more than his family. And I truly believe he would have done anything for us. He proved it time and time again. So naturally, when I found out he was taken to the hospital, I dropped everything to be there. I was there every single day. I think the hardest part was seeing my dad and his siblings completely heartbroken.

The night before he passed, I stayed with my brother to keep him company as he was on the nightshift (we didn’t want my grandfather being alone when he passed). While he got some shut eye, I spent time watching videos my grandfather took of me playing guitar for him on his guitar he gave me. I was pretty young in the videos, but I kept watching them over and over. When I left at midnight, I even listened to the videos of me playing on my ride home.

Getting Through His Passing

After he passed, I was upset. But at the same time, I was also really numb throughout the whole thing. I was able to keep it together. I have a younger sister who’s 16 years younger than I am so I tried to be a constant for her while both of my parents struggled with the loss – I wanted her to have a bit of normalcy.

When the service happened, I gave a eulogy. Public speaking is tough with my anxiety, but I knew my other family members would not be able to get through a speech like that. It wasn’t hard to write about him because he was such a constant in my life. He taught me to play guitar and my love of music overall came from him. He taught me how to drive and we spent hours on the road together. I spent countless weekends with him.

I held it together through the whole speech. The was well received. My family cried. I had people I didn’t know coming up to me and telling me how nice it was and one man told me he hoped his grandkids would speak about him in that way when he passed.

After he passed, I found myself picking up the guitar again. My guitar is my grandfather’s electric guitar he gave to me when I was around 13. Playing guitar feels like a way to connect with him even though he’s no longer earth-side. Music was one of our strongest connections. I loved playing for him and he loved listening to me play. He was so proud of me and always showing off my playing to his friends and my family.

Today

It’s been three months since he passed. There are moments when I go to text him about my photography because I’ve gotten back into it lately after being in a funk. He loved my photography. He had one of my prints of Yantic Falls in his room that I had made for him. And when I was really into photographing birds, he was always telling me if he saw a cool bird. He was the reason I got so many great pictures of eagles in Norwich.

Everyone grieves differently. I know a lot of my family members are still having a hard time. I think what’s helped me personally is remembering all the good times I had with him and doing things where I feel connected to him. For some of my family members, that in itself is tough. But when I remember, I remind myself how lucky I was to get all the time and memories I did with him and how he’s no longer in pain.

-Kailey

Earlier this year, I was in a funk where I just did not feel like myself. My mental health was absolute garbage because I just had a variety of things that life threw my way. The song below pretty much perfectly sums up how I was feeling during that period:

Lyrics to Slipping Away

I’m slipping away
In every way
I can’t stay awake (and I don’t know why)
I’m slipping away (and I don’t know why)

[Chorus]
I’m trying to make it through each day
I’m falling apart now in every way
I’m finding it harder to get by
There’s a hole in my heart and I don’t know why

[Outro]
Now I’ve come to realize I’m slipping away…

I spent a lot of time listening to this on repeat and while dissociating. Dissociating is very much my brain’s way of trying to protect me from the negative emotions. I was very much just going through the motions every single day. But the song is quite literally a ballad about depression, so it was very fitting at the time.

Recently, I’ve been making a solid effort to try and get back into things I know help me and bring me joy. Working a full time job, having a house to upkeep, and just having all of my other adulting to do sometimes makes hobbies feel like a very daunting task. It’s almost like things that I like to do are just another thing to check off of my to-do list.

A Cancelled Trip

I was supposed to go to Acadia National Park last month, but Hurricane Lee had Bar Harbor in a tropical storm/hurricane watch zone. So, I unfortunately cancelled my trip. BUT, since I knew I was really struggling to make it through the work days due to anxiety, I decided to keep the two days I took off.

The first day, it rained, but I was so determined to make the most of my day off that I went out and did a local adventure. I went to Middletown, CT to have a waterfall adventure. During the trip, I also got out of my comfort zone to break out my tripod to get some footage of me on my solo adventure for my travel blog. I get weird about doing it in front of other people, so I figured a rainy day was the perfect day for that.

My Middletown Adventure

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The second day, I drove by myself to the Poconos to explore waterfalls in Pennsylvania! After loving having videos and such of me and my adventure the day before, I was a lot more comfortable whipping out the tripod and setting it up in a pretty public park. Both days of solo adventures reminded I am capable of doing things on my own.

My Pocono Mountains Waterfall Adventure

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Since that time off, I’ve been on plenty of solo adventures. I’ve gotten back into using my camera to get long exposures of waterfalls. Sometimes it does still feel daunting to set time aside to adventure, but I do make sure I get out and connect with myself and nature because I’ve been reminded how healing it can be for me. These adventures are something for me to look forward to.

Recent Photos I’ve Taken On My Adventures

-Kailey

Howdy, it’s been a while since I’ve written here on my blog. So, here I am with an overdue update after ten months. I’ve had a lot of life changes since my last post here on my blog. There’s been a lot of good that’s happened since, but unfortunately, there’s also been some trauma.

This year, I’ve left relationships that no longer served me well and that were just not great for me. I’ve been better about protecting my own peace and being more mindful about who I surround myself with. Some of the people I removed from my life were people who I had been friends with since childhood. But, I learned that’s not a great reason to stay friends with someone. There were a lot of things these people did to me that I let slide, things that hurt me. I had finally had enough. So, I removed them from my life and I can say I have not regretted my decisions since.

Additionally, I left a romantic relationship I was in for five years, leaving behind five animals that I adored. But, it was what was best for me and my mental health. I left with next to nothing money wise and living situations were shaky for a bit. But, I did make it out on another side and I’m now living somewhere safe.

While I did have a lot of big changes and some traumatic events happen that I won’t get into here because they’re things I haven’t really dealt with yet, I am in a safe place now. I am happy with an absolutely amazing partner who I’m extremely thankful for.

I wish I could say that having a safe place and a great support system is enough to make my mental health great, but when you’ve had as much trauma as I have throughout my life, it can creep back up when you least expect it. Right now, I’m currently going through it. It’s to the point that my anxiety is affecting my day to day life and it can be crippling.

I’m finally to the point where I’m ready to get back into therapy to work through things that I never really processed. I’m ready to deal with things that I’ve shoved down to not deal with. I reached out to some therapists who specialize in anxiety and PTSD. I specifically looked for ones who are in the town I live in because I want to make sure it’s not a stressful thing for me to get myself to and from therapy.

I’m nervous, but also excited to be taking the step to go back to therapy. I know there are things I have to work through with a professional because my anxiety is starting to really affect my quality of life at this point. The traumas that happened earlier this year I really need help working through.

So, that’s what’s new with me. I’m hoping to write again soon as I start the process of going back into therapy, write some more in depth posts about some of the traumas I’m comfortable sharing publicly, and things I’m doing in my day to day life to help in my healing.

-Kailey

In today’s fast-paced world, it’s easy to dismiss the importance of a shared meal. Essentially, opting for quick and convenient options instead. But have you ever considered the profound impact that breaking bread with others can have on your mental well-being? 

The simple act of eating together fosters a sense of belonging and connection. It provides a natural antidote to feelings of isolation and loneliness. 

Dive into the fascinating science behind this phenomenon and discover how embracing the age-old tradition of sharing meals can nourish not only your body but also your mind. 

Embark on this culinary journey with me. Let’s unravel the secrets to a happier, healthier, and more connected life – one plate at a time.

Personally, after becoming a Christian I had an entirely new viewpoint on food. My taste buds and mind was shifted into a new fascination with food resembling more than just nutrients. 

Not just in the antidotes provided in Scripture but the act of fellowship itself, the bonding ties of doing an act that for myself and many others has become chore like, and downright redundant. Yes, food has always been an essential part of our daily lives. It sustains us.

But it also brings us together, and can even have a significant impact on our mental health. 

Don’t worry, we will also touch on hosting dinner parties. And potlucks to build social networks (seriously, my favorite thing has become hosting). By the end of this article, you should have a greater understanding of the importance of shared meals for better mental health.

The connection between meals and mental health

It is not surprising that the food we eat can have a significant impact on our mental health. After all, our brains require various nutrients to function correctly. And a well-balanced diet can help provide these essential building blocks.

Research has shown that a well-rounded diet rich in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, lean proteins, and healthy fats can help reduce the risk of developing mental health disorders. Such as depression and anxiety. Additionally, certain nutrients, such as omega-3 fatty acids, B vitamins, and antioxidants, have been found to play a vital role in maintaining and improving:

• brain function
• mood, and
• overall mental well-being

However, the connection between food and mental health goes beyond the nutrients we consume. The act of eating and sharing a meal can also have a profound impact on our mental well-being. Particularly in terms of fostering social connections and promoting a sense of belonging. 

In fact, studies have shown that individuals who regularly share meals with others tend to have lower levels of stress and depression. As well as higher levels of overall life satisfaction.

The importance of social connection in mental well-being

Social connection is a fundamental human need. 

We are social creatures, and our brains are wired to seek the companionship and support of others. Research has shown that strong social connections can boost our mental health. It can increase our resilience to stress, and even improve our physical health. 

Conversely, social isolation and loneliness can have detrimental effects on our mental well-being. It increases the risk of depression, anxiety, and even cognitive decline.

One way to promote social connection and foster mental well-being is through shared meals. 

Eating together is an age-old tradition that transcends cultures and geographical boundaries. It serves as a powerful means of strengthening relationships, fostering a sense of community, and building social networks. 

By sharing a meal, we not only nourish our bodies but also our minds. Especially, as we engage in conversation, share stories, and create lasting memories.

How sharing a meal fosters social connection

There is something inherently social about eating together. Whether it’s a casual lunch with coworkers or an elaborate family feast, sharing a meal creates a sense of togetherness and belonging. When we eat together, we are more likely to engage in meaningful conversations. We are more likely to share experiences, and form bonds that can last a lifetime.

Sharing a meal also encourages us to be more present and mindful in the moment, as we focus on the food, the company, and the atmosphere. This mindfulness can help reduce stress, increase feelings of happiness, and promote a sense of gratitude for the food on our plates and the people in our lives.

As someone with severe anxiety, staying present feels almost possible, but when I am sharing a meal or in an atmosphere with others revolving around a seated space, I actually feel present.

An underlying benefit is shared meals can help create a sense of routine and stability. When I have a terrible work day, or am battling a state of very high stress, I find an ease gently into the expected comfort of sharing a meal with my husband.

The comforts of freshly baked bread on a Wednesday night laced with the scent of cooking wine, and real wine of course, can remind us what matters. We are alive another day. We are given the ability and gift to eat. And we are with the ones we love. 

When we share a meal with others, we have the chance to discuss our feelings, share our experiences, and offer support and encouragement to those around us. This can help create a sense of camaraderie and understanding, reducing feelings of isolation and loneliness.

Moreover, the act of eating together can also promote feelings of trust and cooperation. When we break bread with others, we are more likely to feel a sense of shared responsibility and a desire to work together towards a common goal. 

This can help strengthen relationships, build social networks, and contribute to a sense of community and social cohesion.

Nutrient-rich foods that promote mental health

While the social aspect of shared meals is undoubtedly important for mental health, it is also crucial to consider the types of foods we consume during these gatherings. I have chronic health conditions and over the years I’ve come to learn and appreciate deeply the power of food.

Educating yourself on foods that can work from the inside out in a positive way can have a profound impact on changing your life in a significant way.

Eating a well-balanced diet rich in nutrient-dense foods can have a significant impact on our mental well-being, providing the essential building blocks for optimal brain function and mood regulation.

Some key nutrients to consider for mental health include:

• Omega-3 fatty acids: Found in fatty fish, such as salmon, mackerel, and sardines, as well as in nuts and seeds, such as walnuts and flaxseeds, these essential fats are vital for brain function and have been linked to improved mood and reduced risk of depression.

• B vitamins: Found in whole grains, legumes, leafy greens, and lean proteins, B vitamins play a crucial role in energy production and neurotransmitter synthesis, helping to support mood regulation and cognitive function.

• Antioxidants: Found in colorful fruits and vegetables, as well as in nuts and seeds, antioxidants help protect the brain from oxidative stress and inflammation, which can contribute to mental health disorders such as depression and anxiety.

• Fiber: Found in whole grains, fruits, vegetables, and legumes, fiber can help stabilize blood sugar levels, which can have a significant impact on mood and energy levels.

By incorporating these nutrient-rich foods into shared meals, we can not only promote social connection but also nourish our minds and support optimal mental health.

Cooking meals together as a bonding experience

The act of preparing a meal can be just as important for mental health and social connection as the act of eating together. Cooking together can be a fun and rewarding experience that allows individuals to bond, share knowledge, and create lasting memories.

For adults, cooking together can provide an opportunity to unwind, engage in meaningful conversation, and strengthen relationships with family members, friends, or romantic partners.

Moreover, cooking together can help individuals develop essential life skills, such as time management, problem-solving, and teamwork. By working together to create a delicious and nutritious meal, we not only nourish our bodies but also our minds and relationships.

A few tips for deeper meal times!

Regular family or even single mealtimes can have a profound impact. Studies have shown that families who eat together regularly tend to have stronger relationships, better communication, and higher levels of overall life satisfaction. This can include establishing a routine for yourself!

• Establish a routine: Aim to have family meals at the same time each day, creating a sense of predictability and stability for all family members. For yourself, a routine of eating can help promote the other parts of your routine (hygiene, workouts, cleaning).

• Make it enjoyable: Keep mealtime conversations light and engaging, focusing on positive topics and avoiding conflict or criticism. If you’re solo, this also includes the content you consume on social media, or watching negative shows/news.

• Minimize distractions if you’re in a group: Turn off the television and put away electronic devices, creating a distraction-free environment that allows for meaningful conversation and connection.

• Try new foods: Encourage children and adults alike to try new and varied foods, expanding their palate and promoting healthy eating habits. If you’re single, order from a new place or cook a new meal!

• Make it a priority: Prioritize family mealtimes, even if they have to be quick and simple. Remember that the act of eating together is more important than what is actually on the menu. By yourself? Feed yourself. When I was on the grind in NYC I would commonly skip meals and this was only having a negative effect on my body – and I wasn’t giving myself rest. I was feeding a high workaholic nature.

Hosting dinner parties and potlucks to build social networks

Don’t freak out. As someone with social anxiety and more introvert tendencies, I get it, this is scary. But I found this was one of the best things I could do for myself! Learning how to host, and inviting people into a shared space – especially since I consider myself someone who is more isolated than others. 

Hosting dinner parties and potlucks can be a fun and rewarding way to bring people together, share good food, and create lasting connections.

To host a successful dinner party or potluck, consider the following tips:

• Plan ahead: Decide on a theme or menu and make a shopping list in advance. Consider any dietary restrictions or preferences of your guests. Sometimes coming up with a theme really helps!

• Keep it simple: Don’t try to prepare a complicated or elaborate meal. Stick with dishes that are easy to prepare and can be made in advance. Or dinners and recipes that you know very well, and are comfortable making.

• Create a welcoming atmosphere: Set the table, create a cozy ambiance with candles or soft lighting, and consider playing some background music to set the mood.

• Encourage conversation: Provide conversation starters or games to help break the ice and encourage guests to engage with one another.

• Allow for flexibility: Don’t stress if things don’t go exactly as planned. Allow for flexibility and go with the flow, enjoying the company of your guests and the shared experience of a meal together.

Whether it’s cooking together as a family, hosting a dinner party, or simply sitting down to a meal with friends, sharing a meal is a powerful means of nourishing both our bodies and our minds. So the next time you sit down to eat, remember that you are not just nourishing your body, but also your relationships and your mental health. Bon appétit!

Written by Sarah Edwards. Want to get to know me? Say hi! https://liinks.co/setapartcompany

Every individual inevitably faces moments of self-doubt and criticism throughout their life. It is during these instances when our inner critic, a voice that questions our abilities and worth, emerges. This internal monologue can be detrimental to our self-esteem, confidence, and overall well-being. However, with the appropriate tools and mindset, it is possible to silence these voices of doubt and unlock our full potential.

The inner critic is a natural part of the human psyche, serving as a defense mechanism to protect us from perceived threats and failures. While it can occasionally be helpful in pushing us to strive for excellence, the inner critic can become overly harsh and unrelenting, hindering our personal growth and development. This article aims to provide a comprehensive guide to understanding the origins of self-doubt, recognizing common traits of the inner critic, and implementing strategies to overcome these limiting beliefs.

We will also discuss the impact of silencing voices on personal growth, building resilience against negative self-talk, and unlocking our full potential through self-compassion. Success stories of individuals who have conquered their inner critic will be shared, as well as a discussion on when to seek professional help. Ultimately, this guide serves as a reminder to embrace our journey to self-acceptance and success.

Understanding the origins of self-doubt

Self-doubt often stems from a combination of past experiences, societal expectations, and personal beliefs. To effectively silence the inner critic, it is important to understand the various factors that contribute to the development of self-doubt.

Childhood experiences play a significant role in shaping our inner critic. For example, overly critical or unsupportive parents, teachers, and peers can instill feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. Additionally, experiences of bullying or rejection can have a lasting impact on our self-esteem and confidence.

Societal expectations can also contribute to the formation of the inner critic. We are often bombarded with images of perfection and success, leading to the belief that we must adhere to these unrealistic standards in order to be valued and accepted. This can result in a constant fear of failure and a persistent need for validation from others.

Lastly, personal beliefs and thought patterns are crucial in the development of self-doubt. Negative self-talk and all-or-nothing thinking can perpetuate feelings of inadequacy and hinder our progress towards personal growth. By identifying these beliefs and challenging their validity, we can begin to dismantle the inner critic and silence the voices of doubt.

Recognizing common traits of the inner critic

In order to effectively silence the inner critic, it is essential to recognize its common traits and manifestations. The inner critic can take various forms, including:

• Perfectionism: The belief that anything less than perfect is unacceptable, leading to a constant fear of failure and procrastination.

• Comparison: Continuously comparing ourselves to others, resulting in feelings of inadequacy and envy.

• Self-sabotage: Engaging in behaviors that undermine our success, such as procrastination, neglecting self-care, or avoiding new opportunities.

• Rumination: Obsessively dwelling on past mistakes or perceived flaws, preventing us from moving forward and focusing on the present moment.

By recognizing these traits, we can begin to identify the specific instances when our inner critic is at its loudest and develop targeted strategies to silence these voices of doubt.

Impact of silencing voices on personal growth

Silencing the inner critic can have profound effects on our personal growth and overall well-being. By freeing ourselves from the grip of self-doubt, we can cultivate greater self-confidence, resilience, and self-compassion. This, in turn, allows us to pursue our goals and dreams without fear of failure or rejection.

Additionally, silencing voices of doubt can improve our relationships with others. When we are no longer consumed by our own insecurities, we can be more present, authentic, and empathetic in our interactions with friends, family, and colleagues.

Moreover, by overcoming the inner critic, we can tap into our innate creativity and resourcefulness. Without the constant pressure to conform to unrealistic expectations, we can explore new ideas and possibilities, ultimately unlocking our full potential.

Strategies for overcoming the inner critic

a. Mindfulness and self-awareness

Cultivating mindfulness and self-awareness is a crucial first step in silencing the inner critic. By developing a greater understanding of our thoughts, emotions, and behavioral patterns, we can identify the specific triggers that exacerbate self-doubt and begin to implement targeted strategies to overcome these negative thought patterns.

Mindfulness practices, such as meditation, journaling, and deep breathing exercises, can be helpful in fostering self-awareness and promoting a non-judgmental attitude towards our thoughts and emotions. By observing our inner critic without judgment, we can create distance between ourselves and our negative self-talk, reducing its power over our actions and decisions.

b. Cognitive restructuring

Cognitive restructuring involves identifying and challenging irrational thoughts and beliefs that contribute to self-doubt and the inner critic. This process can be facilitated through tools such as thought records, which involve documenting triggering situations, the associated thoughts and emotions, and potential alternatives to these negative thought patterns.

By systematically challenging and reframing our negative self-talk, we can begin to develop more balanced and rational perspectives, ultimately silencing the inner critic and fostering greater self-confidence and self-compassion.

c. Affirmations and positive self-talk

Incorporating affirmations and positive self-talk into our daily routines can be an effective strategy for combating the inner critic. By consistently reinforcing positive messages about our abilities, worth, and potential, we can gradually rewire our thought patterns and cultivate a more empowering and self-compassionate mindset.

Affirmations can be tailored to address specific areas of self-doubt or insecurity, such as career success, relationships, or personal growth. By consistently practicing positive self-talk and affirmations, we can counteract the damaging effects of the inner critic and unlock our full potential.

Building resilience against negative self-talk

Building resilience against negative self-talk is an ongoing process that requires consistent effort and practice. The following strategies can be helpful in fostering greater resilience against the inner critic:

• Strengthening self-compassion: Treating ourselves with kindness and understanding, particularly during moments of self-doubt or failure, can help to cultivate a more resilient mindset.
• Developing a growth mindset: Embracing challenges and setbacks as opportunities for growth and learning can foster greater resilience.
• Establishing a support network: Surrounding ourselves with supportive and understanding individuals can provide a valuable buffer against negative self-talk and reinforce our inherent worth and abilities.

By consistently practicing these strategies, we can build greater resilience against the inner critic and protect ourselves from the damaging effects of self-doubt.

Unlocking your full potential through self-compassion

Self-compassion is a powerful tool for silencing voices of doubt and unlocking our full potential. By treating ourselves with kindness, understanding, and empathy, we can create a safe space for personal growth and development.

Self-compassion involves acknowledging our mistakes and shortcomings without judgment, recognizing that we are only human and that imperfection is a natural part of life. By embracing our imperfections and treating ourselves with compassion, we can foster a more supportive and empowering internal dialogue, ultimately unlocking our full potential and achieving our goals.

Practicing self-compassion can involve a variety of strategies, such as:

• Mindful self-compassion: This involves acknowledging and validating our emotions without judgment, and treating ourselves with kindness and understanding.
• Self-care: Engaging in activities that promote our well-being, such as exercise, meditation, or spending time in nature, can help to cultivate self-compassion and reduce the impact of the inner critic.
• Self-acceptance: Accepting ourselves for who we are, flaws and all, can help to counteract the damaging effects of self-doubt and cultivate greater self-compassion.

By practicing self-compassion consistently, we can overcome the inner critic and unlock our full potential, both in our personal and professional lives.

Success stories: Individuals who conquered their inner critic

Many individuals have successfully silenced their inner critic and achieved their goals, despite facing significant challenges and setbacks. These success stories serve as a source of inspiration and motivation for those currently struggling with self-doubt.

One such individual is J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter series. Rowling faced numerous rejections and setbacks before finally finding a publisher for her first book. During this time, she often struggled with self-doubt and the inner critic. However, through perseverance and self-compassion, she was able to overcome these challenges and achieve incredible success.

Another example is Oprah Winfrey, who overcame a difficult childhood and numerous obstacles to become one of the most influential figures in media and entertainment. Winfrey has spoken openly about her struggles with self-doubt and the inner critic, emphasizing the importance of self-compassion, resilience, and a growth mindset in achieving success.

These success stories demonstrate that silencing the inner critic is possible, and that with the right mindset and strategies, we can achieve our goals and unlock our full potential.

Written by Sarah Edwards. Want to get to know me? Say hi! https://liinks.co/setapartcompany

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Anyone else fall off the face of the Earth for a bit when they’re feeling sad, or is it just me?😂

-Kailey

I recently left my part-time job for a full-time position because I’m just at that age where I need me some benefits. 😂 I left to proofread audiobooks for 8 hours a day, and while I had a feeling I was going to love the job, I wasn’t prepared for how much it was going to change the horrible mental state I had been in for months.

Before I get into that though, I’m going to give you some background on how I ended up becoming an audiobook proofer. When I was in college, I worked a lot of various jobs, from helping to set up shows in Mohegan Sun’s arena to making Sandwiches at Subway.

Somewhere along the way, I ended up at Tantor Media assembling audiobooks. It wasn’t a job I had ever applied to, a friend who worked there asked me if I wanted to fill in for someone who was going to be out for an extended period of time. I was someone who almost never turned down money (because I was so terrified of not having enough money once I got into the real world) so I of course accepted.

The funny thing is, they ended up liking me so much that I ended up staying. Of course, I also loved the working there because it was an easy job and I also was working with two of my friends. Plus, it was just a great company to work for. They had all kinds of stuff for us throughout the year from therapy dogs, weekly snacks available, two parties during the year, ice cream trucks, and more. Unfortunately, those things were killed off by the pandemic because the job is hybrid now.

I liked the company so much, I planned to work there full-time after college in assembly. My plan was to make my way to being an audio proofer, but unfortunately, it wasn’t in the stars for me. When the pandemic hit in March of 2020, my job didn’t survive as the company went completely digital. Upset was an understatement of how I felt about my job being killed off.

BUT, this year, I made my comeback at Tantor! A position happened to open in the exact department I was looking to get into all those years ago. I applied just like anyone else had to and I went through the whole interview process and thankfully, they offered me the job! I was absolutely ecstatic, because who wouldn’t want to read books all day and get paid with benefits?

I’m halfway through week three of my new journey as a proofer, and I’m seriously loving it. Reading has always been a way I’ve coped with my mental health, so even though I’m working, it doesn’t feel like I’m working. Being able to sit and read all day has honestly completely changed my mental health. I was having a VERY hard time dealing with suicidal ideation and only a select few really knew how bad things were for me.

But now, I really am in disbelief that this job change has improved my mental health so much. I was feeling so hopeless and like things were never going to get better. I never thought I would be okay in my head again. But, here I am, shocked that the cloud of depression that was suffocating me has lifted.

I’ve never been a huge fan of change, but I’m so glad I took the leap to go for something that I really wanted. I really just cannot express enough how I’m really in just utter disbelief that I am still here and genuinely feeling so much better mentally. One of the main reasons I did not do anything to myself was because I had this new job that I was looking forward to. I’m really glad I held on. I really never thought I was going to make it out of that dark period.

I guess things really do get better.

Last month, I dropped a grand I didn’t really have on plane tickets to take a trip to Oregon for a week. Why? Because I needed to get away from my responsibilities at home.

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As nice as it was to literally escape from work, house work, and taking care of my puppy who is a bit of a maniac, when I came home, it was back to reality. As Eminem would say, snap back to reality, oh, there goes gravity.

Reality really punched me right in the face when I got home. It was back to exactly what I was trying to run away from, except when I got home, I had the added bonus stress of starting a new job AND having COVID. So, I was home and trapped at home with work with no escaping it.

Since taking a trip didn’t fix my life, I guess that means I’m going to have to start trying to face and deal with the issues I have at home. But, that requires therapy, and I don’t have the money for the co-pays right now, but maybe my TWO new jobs will help me pay for that.

Stay tuned.

-Kailey

From a young age, I was always outside. I grew up in Salem on 77 acres of land to hangout on. We had trails, a pond with a small beach, kayaks, a playscape, lots of cool berries to play with…I mean, what more could a kid ask for?

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I have so many memories of spending time finding salamanders with my brother, building sand villages with him, and making potions and “food” with plants we found outside. My friends and I used to get these purple berries we called paint berries and mash them up and paint with them.

As I’ve gotten older, my relationship with getting outside has changed. Instead of being creative and playing with plants and dirt, my outdoor time is spent taking photographs, walking my dog, playing with my dog, hiking, or just sitting back and enjoying the peace of the outdoors.

No matter what you decide to do outside, it’s going to have some benefits to your mental health. Be sure to watch my video about the mental health benefits of nature right here on TurningPointCT!

-Kailey

I was really on the fence about whether or not I wanted to share this with the world, but I’m sure there’s someone out there who can benefit from me being vulnerable about this.

So, as I mentioned in my last post, I took a trip to Oregon at the end of September. I got back a couple weeks ago, but I’m finally over the embarrassment of having a panic attack and wanting to unalive myself on a mountain in Oregon. Thankfully, no one (except my brother) was around to witness it.

So, my trip was to Central Oregon in the Cascade Mountains. I decided that since I was in the mountains, I was going to hike a mountain. I did absolutely no training and I have never hiked a mountain before, not even the smaller ones over here on the east coast.

So for my first ever mountain hike, I pick Mount Bachelor. I read the AllTrails reviews and there were comments like “easy for a summit hike” and I was like, psh, I can do that. It was only a 6.5 mile hike and I hike that mileage in Connecticut. But, I was in for a rude awakening.

The thing I didn’t account for was the elevation and its lack of oxygen as we got higher and higher up the mountain. I literally felt like I could not breathe and it triggered a LOT of anxiety. My brother wanted me to keep going, but I wanted nothing to do with it. My anxiety had taken over my head.

At one point, I made my brother carry my backpack for me because I thought having less weight would help. It did at first, but soon, the anxiety came back and the feeling of breathlessness was bound to bring on a panic attack, I’d dealt with it before when I used to lift.

I kept pushing, but I started to hyperventilate. Then, the full-blown panic attack came and I begged my brother to go on without me. I told him just go to the summit without me, I knew nobody else was stupid enough to hike this mountain for a sunset besides us so I knew I probably wouldn’t get murdered. As much as he didn’t want to abandon me, I finally convinced him to go.

I made it to 8685 feet before I called it quits. I had just over 300 feet in elevation to go, but I just didn’t want anything to do with it anymore. I wanted to start heading down where there was more oxygen. If it wasn’t so close to getting dark, I would have had more time for breaks instead of hauling ass up a god damn mountain to make it to see the sunset.

I tried to wait for him because he had our floodlight to navigate down the mountain in the dark, but my hands were starting to get numb because it was so cold towards the summit. So, I called my brother (because we were so lucky to have service, it was the only reason he agreed to separate) and told him I was going to head down as much as I could while it was still kind of light.

It ended up getting dark and I was hiking alone in the dark down a mountain with just my crappy phone flashlight to guide me. What a time. Thankfully, my brother caught up to me quickly because he must have been literally sprinting down the mountain.

By the time we were heading down the mountain, my entire body hurt (not even an exaggeration). I quite literally wanted to just lay on the ground in the dark and just be left there to die. I had similar feelings on a MUCH shorter hike in the Berkshires at Bash Bish Falls, but at least then, my entire body wasn’t in pain. I just really do not like steep inclines.

But, I kept going as much as I didn’t want to and we did eventually make it to the bottom of the mountain alive. However, I was in so much pain, I made my brother drive us the 20 minutes back to the resort we were staying at. He suggested I stretch before getting in the car and just moving my limbs around to try and do that was agonizing.

But, I survived to tell the tale. That was on our very first day of the trip and even though my entire body hurt that night, I ended up not being sore the next day and I continued to hike all week. Just, I didn’t do anymore mountain hikes until the last day when I hiked the mile down to the shore of Crater Lake and then the mile back up (which was hell and I wanted to give up, but I had no choice but to go back up to get to the car).

After that, I learned that I should train next time I want to attempt to climb a mountain and that if I do climb a mountain again, I shouldn’t do a sunset hike where I don’t give myself enough time for breaks. Hopefully those lessons stay with me because I feel like I definitely learned them the hard way.

– Kailey

⬇ check out some footage from that hike that completely kicked my ass below⬇

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At the end of September, I went to Oregon and had the time of my life. But, I came back with COVID.

Towards the end of my trip, I started to get a sore throat. And of course, after having gone through this god damn pandemic, my first thought was lol I probably have COVID. But, I didn’t want to buy a test because I barely had the money to be on vacation.

I hiked miles and miles at Crater Lake National Park with my sore throat because I was on vacation and I was going to experience it as long as I was not bed ridden. I mean, how often am I going to be in Oregon exploring a beautiful National Park?

⬇ peep my highlight Reel of my day at Crater Lake National Park below ⬇

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Anyhoo, I continued vacationing it up outside where I wouldn’t be putting others at risk (besides my brother, who was in the car and hotel with me). Ended up having to get a mask because I wasn’t trying to infect the whole plane, even though someone had the nerve to infect me on my flights over. I also bought cough drops, so the smell of those probably gave me away as being a carrier of the plague.

I was supposed to go to the 1-Up Event at Post University the day after I got back from Oregon, but due to being sick, I knew I couldn’t chance it. As soon as I got home at like 11:30pm, I took the test.

Well, I guess not immediately, because I spent like 20 minutes trying to read the instructions because I was so nervous about messing it up and I really just had no idea what I was doing. It was my first at home test.

After studying the instructions like I would for an important exam, I finally got the courage to open the swab. I was so stressed out, I dropped it on the floor. Not even kidding. So, I had to open my second, and last test, to use that swab.

I did the thing, timed the 15 minutes while staring at the test the whole time. I was studying the images of “positive” and I knew I had to have it based on what I was seeing with mine. Instantly, I start to panic.

I start to get all weird, asking my boyfriend if I should sleep in the guest room because I didn’t want his gift from Oregon to be COVID, but thankfully he didn’t seem too worried. However, I was very worried.

Despite feeling not too under the weather, I started to panic because you know, we all consumed all of the news for the last couple of years about how it is killing people and how it’s causing all kinds of health problems along with long COVID. So, I start convincing myself I’m going to become a statistic, one of the ones that dies.

I start thinking to myself that as much as I loved my trip to Oregon, it was NOT worth dying over. I start to plan for if I die, what will happen to my things. All the while, I’m not that sick, but I’m terrified it’s going to get worse like when I had it last December (and back then, I really did think I was going to die because I felt that awful).

A couple days goes by, and it never gets any worse. In fact, I started to feel better. But, even though I felt better and was seemingly fine, I ended up with a lingering cough that showed up after I felt better. It took almost nothing to trigger it. And, I went to Google for answers, and then convinced myself I must have permanent lung damage.

It’s been a couple weeks and I’m happy to say I appear to be completely back to normal and that annoying dry cough is gone. So glad my brain had me convinced I was going to be another victim of COVID. The anxiety really just makes me think the worst of the worst is going to happen. Thankfully though, the worst case scenario doesn’t happen. But if it ever does happen, my brain will have prepared me for the worst LOL.

-Kailey

Be sure to read my post I wrote about living with health anxiety to read more about how my anxiety always convinces me I’m going to die 🤣

Did you know that September 1st is Ginger Cat Appreciation Day?

I’m here to show some love for my ginger cat, Moe! I appreciate him every day, but it’s definitely cool that him and all of his orange friends have a day for them!

Moe brings so much joy to my life. When I first met him, he was pretty anti-social and he liked to do his own thing. If one of us came into the room, he’d be outtie.

However, in the last couple of years, he has really warmed up to me. Before, it used to be a special moment if he let us sit with him, but now I have so many moments with him where I just sit with him and pet him. He likes to be pet on the top of his butt and he even makes cute little chirp noises.

I am so thankful for his acceptance of me and that he really has warmed up to me. Before, he was never much of a purrer, but now I know just how to get him to do his really soft purrs. They’re so quiet, you really have to get close and really listen for them, but they’re there!

Looking at his cute little face is enough to completely change my mood. He really is the sweetest kitty, as most orange kitties are! Moe is really such a blessing!

August 17th is National Black Cat Day!

It’s no secret that black cats get a bad rep. Many people avoid them because they think they’re bad luck. However, as someone who has not one, but two black cats, I can tell you that’s not true. My two black kitties bring so much joy and companionship to my life. They deserve to be appreciated!!

Our oldest black cat Voodoo, is a sass master, but also the best snuggler. Out of our three cats, she is the cat I know I can always count on when I just want to hug and kiss and pet a kitty without running away. She has been one of my biggest comforts and supports since I lost my childhood cat at the beginning of the week.

Our youngest, Ash, is the cutest, fluffiest black kitty. He’s only a year old and he has quite the personality. He always has his tongue out, he loves to eat paper, and he is just a funny little kitty. He and I share a birthday so he’s also my little birthday twin. He is currently in his teenage phase where he is too good to snuggle with mom and dad, he’d rather be off doing kitty stuff (aka lounging in the sun in the cat tower by himself).

While today might be National Black Cat Appreciation Day, everyday is Black Cat Appreciation Day in my house. I really wish the stigma that surrounds these sweet kitties would end because they do not deserve to be treated as lesser than other cats.

If you’re looking to know how pets can help your mental health, check out my post Benefits of Pets on my Recovery Journey right here on TurningPointCT.org.

On Tuesday, I unexpectedly had to say goodbye to my first and only childhood pet, Treasure.

While it was completely unexpected the day it happened, it unfortunately wasn’t a giant shock because she was 13 and a half and she had definitely been on the decline for some time.

On Tuesday, I went to my parents to scan receipts (because I am a broke 25 year-old). I scanned my receipts and after chatting with my mom a bit, I went to go look for Treasure before I headed back to my house.

When I found her in my parents’ closet, I noticed she was breathing really rapidly. I knew it didn’t look normal and a quick Google search confirmed that. She was struggling to breathe. I immediately made the decision that she needed to go to the emergency vet.

I called the closest ER vet to my parents’ house and that was 50 minutes away. I waited for my dad and my sister to get home so they could say goodbye. I knew before we went that it was probably the end.

The 50 minute ride to Middletown was pretty traumatic for me and the cat. As I drove, she was panting to the point she was drooling from the stress of the car ride. I called my brother on the way because I wanted him to have a chance to say goodbye. He met me there.

When I finally arrived, they took her right away and brought her to the back. I didn’t even get a chance to say anything to her before the vet tech took her because they saw she was in such distress. After what felt like forever, we were called into a room and told that she was in severe heart failure. Ultimately, I made the decision that humanely euthanizing her was the best choice so she wouldn’t have to continue to suffer.

There was more waiting and I had seemed to be holding it together well as I made arrangements for what would happen to her after. I was all business and I’m sure the woman doing the paperwork was probably wondering how I was so calm.

When they finally brought her in, I instantly broke down. It was like the reality finally hit me as soon as I saw her. She was wrapped up in a blanket and still struggling to breathe. I only got a couple minutes to have my final moments with her. The doctor said sooner the better because they had to take her off of oxygen to bring her back to me and she was uncomfortable. She passed in my arms while I pet her.

It was hard, but I was so happy that I was able to be there for her and I was able to get an actual goodbye. When I moved out and made the decision to leave her with my parents because she was an only pet and that was the only house she had ever known, I was heart broken. And, my biggest fear was getting a call saying she’s gone and feeling the guilt of not being there. As much as the way things went down sucked, I’m glad I was there for her because I was always her person.

Losing her was hard because growing up, she was my best friend. I was her person and she followed me around much like a dog would. She was there when I went to sleep and there when I woke up. She was always there for me and for many years, she was my reason to live. I loved her more than I loved myself. Any time I was ready to leave this world, I stayed because I couldn’t do that to her. I had friends and family who loved me, but in my mind, she was the only one that mattered. To me, she was my child. She was the cat that made me the cat mom I am today.

I will miss her forever. I will never forget the love she had for me. She might not have known it, but she was my unofficial therapy animal and my best friend. She lived to be a nice old lady, and for that, I’m thankful. Wherever she is, I’m happy she is no longer suffering.

Happy International Cat Day!! Today we celebrate our furry friends that help our mental health by decreasing stress, offering companionship, purring the pain away, and serving as a therapy animals!

Growing up, our family cat Treasure was quite literally my lifeline when my mental health was doing really badly. If I was having a bad day or crying, she was always there. She slept with me every night and I was definitely her person. She might not have known it, but she really saved me in so many ways. For years, she was my reason to keep living even when I really didn’t want to.

Today, I have three kitties to lift me up on those days when I’m really struggling. When I’ve having a really hard day where my depression and anxiety is crippling, I will go into bed and just snuggle and pet my cat Voodoo. She is really the one who is the snuggliest and she is super chill with me petting her, kissing her, and sometimes just burying my face into her as she purrs.

Our orange tabby cat, Moe, likes to stick to himself, but he definitely has a soft spot for me. My boyfriend got him before he even knew me, but I definitely seem to be more of his person. For years, he was not a purrer (unlike Voodoo) so when we heard him purr, we would be so excited. Now, I know how to pet him just right to where he’s purring and he does cute little chirps when I scratch his back! Petting him and even just looking at him is enough to lift my mood.

Our youngest kitty, Ash, we’ve had for about a year now. He has the same birthday as me so he’s my little birthday twin. He has such a personality and he always makes me laugh. Since he was a baby, he has ALWAYS had his tongue out and his teethies. It’s so funny and cute. Another bonus is he’s part Maine Coon, so he’s also really fluffy and calming to pet.

I am thankful to all of the cool cats in my life that bring me so much joy. They help my mental health without even trying. I’m so thankful to all of them for always being there to bring a smile on to my face!

If you’re looking to know more about how pets can help your mental health, check out my post Benefits of Pets on my Recovery Journey right here on TurningPointCT.org.

Also check out my video of me hanging out with kittens at Two Wrasslin’ Cats in East Haddam, CT!

I’d like to talk about those physical symptoms of anxiety that convince you that you’re dying. I am someone who really struggles with anxiety. Lately, I’ve had a lot of those physical symptoms that have me on Google searching for answers to see if I’m dying (cue intensified anxiety).

So one of my main symptoms that I personally experience when I’m extremely anxious is shortness of breath. This is one of those anxiety symptoms that is associate with really serious medical issues. Yet, it’s something that I deal with every day.

When I was in college, this anxiety symptom was so bad, I demanded that I get an x-ray of my lungs done. My primary care doctor at the time was nice and he filled out the forms for me to go get one done. Essentially, the x-ray showed that my lungs were perfectly fine. They suggested that I see a therapist.

Despite knowing this fact, the symptom still really gets to me. It’s really hard not to spiral when you have a symptom that leaves you feeling like you cannot breathe. Sometimes I’ll find myself taking big breaths of air in because I feel like I am just not getting enough oxygen. And of course, this symptom obviously causes my anxiety to skyrocket.

If you’re dealing with symptoms like this, I would first recommend getting checked out by a doctor to make sure it is no something medical going on.

If it turns out that it is a symptom of your anxiety and not anything medical, I definitely urge you to get support. If you’re not sure where to start, check out our resources. Also, be sure to take time to practice self-care and breathing exercises.

Lastly, if you’re dealing with some of the more extreme physical symptoms of anxiety, know that you’re not alone.

I’m at a point in my journey where I’m making decisions for my happiness that doesn’t make sense to anybody else.

I’m not asking what anybody thinks about it, but I’m just doing it. I’ve finally learned that I do have a say in my own life and my happiness.

I used to be terrified to do things without someone else’s approval. If there was something I wanted to do, sometimes I would be so anxious about someone telling me I couldn’t do it that I wouldn’t ask. I wouldn’t even try because I was too anxious.

In recent years, I’ve learned that it is up to me whether or not I can do things. My life is not dictated by anyone else. I don’t need anyone’s approval to do something that makes me happy.

One of those things I was too afraid to do for so long was travel. I never felt like I could be one of those people who traveled so I was too afraid to try. Last year, I finally started going to all of the places I had wanted to go, and I’m never going back.

Realizing I had the power to just get into my car and go if I wanted to go was life changing for me. It was exactly what I needed to see that nobody can stop me from doing the things I want to do for myself and my happiness.

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You’re not a failure just because you’re not where you thought you’d be by now.

I used to feel this way about myself. But, I’ve really come to terms with the fact that the way I used to view things is not the reality. When I was growing up, I thought being an adult meant having it together and having it all figured out. Now that I’m an adult, I realize that there are a lot of adults who are still trying to figure things out.

We have had a lot thrown at us that have not really helped us. We had a global pandemic happen. This made getting jobs tough and it also isolated us all. A lot of the adults who are nagging you saying you should be further in life because of the “when I was your age” bullshit didn’t have to navigate a global pandemic. I finished up college and graduated during the pandemic in 2020 and I didn’t have anyone to ask now what because the pandemic had still been so new.

Now, we have rising prices that are at record highs. We hit the highest gas price ever recorded in Connecticut this year. This is inevitably affecting our ability to save money. It’s causing many of us to put ourselves into debt just trying to keep our heads afloat. That debt could stay with us for years after this all finally comes to an end.

We’re living in some pretty weird and uncertain times. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You’re not a failure because you’re not where you thought you’d be by now. Give yourself some grace.

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One thing I’ve learned about life is nothing stays the same. So smile big, laugh often, and never take this life for granted.

If you’re feeling hopeless or stuck, remember that what you’re going through right now will not be forever.

There are better things coming, so keep smiling, laughing, and doing the things that bring you joy.

One day you’ll be out of whatever it is you’re going through.

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It’s no secret that social media is having a serious impact on our mental health. While there is a lot on social media that is good and even educational, there is definitely a lot on our feeds that can impact our mental health.

The thing about social media is it’s essentially just a highlight reel of what people want you to see. People are posting the best of the best in terms of images. Many are highly edited, and there are so many people touching up their bodies and faces. While many of us know that many pictures are not realistic and highly edited, it’s hard to ignore and it’s hard to feel like there’s something wrong with you because you don’t look like that.

On top of looking like perfection, feeds are filled with people sharing things such as vacations, lots of photos with friends, and things that just look exciting. You see people getting engaged, married, and having babies. I don’t know about any of you, but when I see all of these posts, I definitely start to look down on myself and wonder why I’m not out doing cool stuff constantly or why I’m not at the stage of life everyone else is at.

But, then I remind myself that those people going on vacations could be drowning in debt. Those people posting photos with friends could hate everyone in the picture or be having the worst time of their life. People getting engaged, married, and having children could be in toxic or abusive relationships. You really never know the whole story. People just show you what they want you to see and what they want you to believe.

I’m guilty of this too. For example, I post pictures of my puppy constantly showing him being all cute on our adventures. The reality is, he’s still a puppy in training and those adventures are not fun for me. In fact, they’re extremely stressful. He barks at other dogs, he pulls on the leash, and sometimes he decides to attack his leash because he wants to play tug of war right there on the trail. But, I don’t show that on social media. I only show people what I want them to see.

The other thing I hate seeing on social media is the toxic positivity. I see so many insane quotes and views that are people ~trying~ to be helpful, but the message is kind of like a slap to the face. You know, the ones that tell you stupid things like “choose happiness!” As someone who is mentally ill, I can assure you, I do not go out of my way to be depressed and anxious. If it were as simple as choosing happiness, my life would be a whole lot easier.

Tips For Protecting Your Mental Health On Social Media

• Unfollow, block, and hide triggering people and things. If there are accounts that share images that make you feel upset, it’s probably best to unfollow them or hide their posts. If it’s a family member you can’t remove because it might cause drama, you can simply unfollow or hide their posts from your feed.
• Follow accounts that do bring you joy. Not everything on social media is bad. Follow accounts that post things that bring you joy. Follow accounts that post uplifting content. Follow accounts that make you laugh. You do have a say in what your feed is filled with.
• Limit your time on social media. Social media isn’t real life, even though it might seem like it is (especially with all of the isolation we dealt with the last couple of years). The pictures are all curated to pull you in. Spend some time away from the screens and you’ll see that most of those pictures are not realistic.

It’s no secret we are dealing with severe inflation, and it’s definitely having an impact. I live with my boyfriend. And yet, even though I have someone (with a great paying job) to split bills with, right now, it’s still not enough. Neither of our incomes have gone up with inflation, so even with the team work, we are both barely keeping our heads above water as we are quickly hurdling towards an inevitable recession.

I’m now at that point where I’m like welp, I can’t afford to put gas in my car, so I can’t really drive anywhere. Going for a drive used to be a form of self-care for me as well as taking small day trips out of state to escape the mundane life of working from home day in and day out. So between having some of my self-care practices now impossible and the fact that I can barely afford to keep myself alive, it’s understandably having a pretty negative impact on my mental health.

It’s not uncommon these days to get an email or a text saying my card was declined for a bill that’s due. It’s not uncommon to get notifications that I’m getting close to exceeding my credit card limit, or that I have in fact exceeded it.

Before this inflation thing happened, I always had a fear that I would not have enough money to make it on my own. Because of that, I always forced myself to work work work multiple jobs and side hustles to try and ensure I had enough. Hell, my family has been saving bottles for me for years and I redeem them for cash. I did all that work and now my worst fear of not having enough money is my reality.

For a while, I stopped all the side hustles simply because I didn’t have the time or the energy. I got tired of running myself into the ground. But, now I’m at a point where it’s not an option to not hustle to try and just make ends meet. The problem is, my side hustles have always been selling clothing and nobody really has the money to buy things that aren’t necessities right now.

Yesterday when I went grocery shopping at Aldi, there was a cart in the parking lot that someone had left, and I actually brought it back not because I was being nice, but it was because I wanted the free quarter that was in the cart. It’s scary that I am feeling that desperate.

As much as it embarrasses me to share all of this, I’m sharing it because I know I’m not alone. I know there are others dealing with this. These are scary and stressful times. It’s having a huge impact on us all both financially and mentally. We can’t save. We’re gaining debt. Being a young adult trying to survive on their own was hard enough before the inflation happened. I’m just hoping we’ll all be able to recover from this.

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Things that will help bring you peace:

• just let things be
• let people go
• don’t fight for closure
• don’t chase answers
• don’t expect an explanation

I used to always fight for closure and chase answers and explanations that I was never going to get. It did more harm than it did good.

It might seem hard to move on without closure from certain situations, but I promise you, you will be much more at peace if you just let things be and let people go.

Having anxiety, I know how hard it is to just let things be. It’s extremely hard for me to not be in control of situations, but unfortunately, we cannot control other people’s actions towards us.

There were a lot of situations where I was waiting for closure for months or years, and it was awful. Eventually, I accepted that I was never going to get the answers or closure I thought I needed. I moved on with my life.

Letting it go is much easier said than done, but it is possible. And it will make you feel so much better when you let go of the need for closure. You can give yourself the closure you need to move on.

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For those of you that don’t know, I have been diagnosed with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). I was diagnosed while I was in college. I remember sitting with one of my therapists and she actually took out a book and she read off all of the symptoms of PTSD. When she asked if I was experiencing each symptom, I answered truthfully. By the end of the list, it was determined that I met the criteria.

The diagnosis broke me. While part of me was relieved to have an explanation for some of the symptoms I was having, another part of me felt like I was broken beyond compare. I felt like damaged goods. I had already known I had all the symptoms, but getting the diagnosis made it that much more real. I had such a hard time with it, I actually stopped going to therapy shortly after, it was just way too much for me to handle.

When people think of PTSD, they typically think of veterans. They don’t typically think of a 20 year old girl (I’m sure I had it way before 20, that was just when I finally got diagnosed). So, when you tell people “I have PTSD” typically they won’t believe you or they’ll say something like “how can that be?” It makes you not want to tell anyone.

I never had one big tragic event happen to me. My PTSD stems from years of just repeated trauma. A lot of the situations, I feel like I put myself in and I think about that a lot. When I was in my “rebellious” stage where I just really didn’t care what happened to me, I put myself into a lot of situations that were traumatic and they left their mark. A lot of these traumas scarred me and left their mark on me.

This repeated trauma over long periods of time is the cause of complex post-traumatic stress disorder, or CPTSD (which is not yet an official diagnosis). This is the reason why my official diagnosis is PTSD. CTPSD is still something that they’re working to understand more clearly.

I think the hardest part about living with this is it’s completely invisible to those on the outside. The symptoms I deal with can’t be seen by those around me, but the effect they have on me is unreal.

Lately, I have been getting triggered a lot more than usual. I have lived in the part of Connecticut my entire life. So naturally, there are a lot of places that I frequent that have trauma attached to them for me. Just yesterday, I texted my best friend that I would do anything to move far away from Connecticut because I’m tired of just driving around and getting triggered to the point where I feel physically sick. And it’s the truth, as much as I love Connecticut and my friends and family here, I want to run away because I frequently drive by places that are triggering just by living my day to day life. I want to go somewhere where I’m not reliving trauma just by driving around.

Today, it was a phrase that triggered me. I was sitting in the parking lot with my boyfriend eating a bagel and something he said just immediately sent me back to the past and I felt unsafe. My stomach suddenly was in knots and it was hard to act normal and just keep eating my bagel. After all, we were just enjoying breakfast having a normal conversation. It’s not easy to say “hey that string of words you just said in normal, casual conversation just caused an anxiety attack.”

I live with this invisible beast, always waiting to consume me and throw me back into the past. Sure, it’s in the past and it’s in my head, but physically, it feels like I’m right back in the burning fire that is the past trauma. But, because it’s invisible, nobody really takes it seriously. It’s especially hard to get people to take my diagnosis seriously because I have never been to war and people are convinced it’s just veterans who deal with it.

If you’re someone who is also affected by this, I see and feel you. While PTSD Awareness Month was started because of war veterans, the narrative is starting to change to show that they are by no means the only people who can be affected by PTSD. It can affect anyone.

Sharing this part of me sucks. It’s hard. But, I share this with the hope to raise awareness that this can in fact happen to anyone. I hope that more people understand what it is like for people to live with it and I want those who deal with it are not alone. There are others who deal with it.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but shoutout to everyone out there who’s making progress that goes unrecognized because you don’t show your darkest moments.

You’re winning battles that no one knows anything about, so keep going❤️

There were so many times in my recovery journey where I was ready to give up, but on the outside I acted like nothing was wrong. Nobody knew I was trying to claw my way out of a dark place. Nobody knew I was in survival mode. There were even times that my friends had no idea how bad things were because I didn’t want to bother them with my issues.

Your progress matters, even if you’re not sharing it with the world. Keep doing you and keep pushing forward.

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Just in case nobody’s told you lately, but you ARE enough.

You’ve always been good enough. Sometimes we don’t realize that because we have been giving parts of ourselves to the wrong people.

There are people out there who will accept you, flaws and all. Those are the people you should keep close, the ones who love you unconditionally.

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I used to constantly feel like I wasn’t good enough. In fact, I thought people hated me so much, I would bend over backwards for people who really wouldn’t do the same for me. I would drop everything to go help someone. I was giving people money I didn’t really have to give. I was giving the best parts of myself, my caring and compassion, to the wrong people who didn’t appreciate it. It wasn’t that I wasn’t good enough, I was just giving my all to the wrong people.

I have cut off and distanced myself from those people who have made me feel not good enough. I’ve learned that I shouldn’t have to desperately try to get people to accept me by giving my all and then some to them. Your worth shouldn’t come from whether or not people like you. There are so many people out there who know your worth.

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For those of you that don’t know, I am a quarter Filipino. From the time I was a child, it has always been one of my favorite things to tell people. I have always loved being mixed-race, even though a lot of people find it hard to believe that I am anything but white. (See my post Being Mixed But White-Presenting for more on that).

While I might not LOOK Asian, I am an entire quarter Asian. It’s not some minuscule percentage or far away in my bloodline. My mom is half Filipino, and her father (my grandfather) is 100% Filipino. He born and raised there. This has always been something that has been so cool to me because I’ve heard so much about my family in the Philippines and their heritage growing up. I was so interested in it, that I even did a life history on my grandfather in high school for my Human Development class.

I grew up with a lot of Filipino influence. I grew up eating Filipino Chicken Adobo and to this day, it is still one of my favorite meals. My grandfather has always loved to cook, and he brought pancit (a traditional Filipino noodle dish) to EVERY family gathering we have ever had. I love lumpia (Filipino egg rolls) and it’s something I’ve made with my family before.

In addition to growing up with Filipino food, my mom has always tried to immerse us into the culture in various ways. For those of you that don’t know, many people in the Philippines speak Spanish because the Spanish colonized there. For this reason, my mom was tried to teach me Spanish when I was a little kid. She taught me how to count in Spanish and she also taught me how to say “hello my friends” and “goodbye my friends.”

She’s also taught me other words. One day when I was calling cows “moo moos” she got all confused and said “ghosts?” because Filipinos call ghosts “mumus.” Mumu is short for ‘multo’ which means ghost or apparition of the dead and it was derived from the Spanish word muerto which means “dead.” It’s also because of her that I call McDonald’s “McDo” (pronounced “mac-doh”) because she told me that is what the Filipinos refer to it as back in the Philippines.

In addition to learning some Spanish and cultural things like that, I’ve also had lots of Filipino things over the years from a Filipino Barbie doll to traditional clothing and shoes from the Philippines. I loved having all of these little pieces of my heritage as I was growing up. I still have all of these things to this day and they’re things I still cherish.

At the end of the day, I love being Filipino. I’m proud of it, and it’s a huge part of my identity. While people might look at me and just view me solely as a white person, they cannot take my Filipino heritage away from me – it’s in my blood.

Other people might not see it when they look at me, but when I look at myself, I see all of the subtle ways my Asian genetics influenced my physical appearance. I have my grandfather’s very Asian eyebrows that are shaped like straight up triangle mountains (although, nobody would know because I pluck the bottom, but the beautiful arch is still there). I have a darker complexion, darker hair, and brown eyes. Others might not associate these things with me being mixed race, but I do.

I can’t imagine not having the Filipino part of me not being in the mix. I might not be 100% Filipino, but as I said, it is still a huge part of my personal identity. I am proud to be a Filipina.

Did you know that May is Better Sleep Month?

You’re probably wondering why I’m talking about Better Sleep Month on a mental health website. The answer is, getting a good nights sleep is extremely important for maintaining your mental wellness.

As someone who has struggled with getting enough sleep over the years, I know the consequences not getting enough sleep has had on me. In fact, recently, I have been not getting enough sleep and it has definitely made me much more irritable and it has made my anxiety a lot worse.

With the hectic lives we lead, it can feel impossible to get enough sleep. I know I constantly find myself thinking “there just isn’t enough time in the day” and I end up staying up ridiculously late just to try and get everything done. The problem is, then I lose sleep, and it just really isn’t worth it.

More recently, I’ve tried to just prioritize the things that I need to do. If all of the things don’t get done by the time I need to be getting to bed, I have decided they can wait until tomorrow. I am giving myself some grace to get the sleep I so desperately need. The world won’t end if I don’t get EVERYTHING done (as much as it sometimes feels like that is the case).

So now that I’ve told you about how being sleep deprived has negatively impacted me, let me give you some tips to help you get the rest that you need for both your physical AND mental health. If you’re having some issues getting good sleep, here are some ways to try and get some better rest:

• Stick to a sleep schedule. This is something I have started to implement to help with my own sleep issues. I now try to make sure I am in bed by a certain time and the routine has helped a lot. Being consistent reinforces your body’s sleep-wake cycle.
• Create a restful environment. It’s hard to fall asleep in an environment with a lot going on. I always try to make sure my room is completely dark, a comfortable temperature, and my phone is always on do not disturb to ensure I don’t get woken up.
• Include physical activity into your daily routine. This can help promote better sleep. I know if I was very active during the day, I have a much better chance of falling asleep with no issue because my body is tired enough to fall asleep when I get into bed.
• Try and manage your worries. This is absolutely easier said than done. As someone with anxiety, I used to have a really hard time getting my intrusive thoughts to leave me alone as I was trying to sleep. In fact, they used to keep me up all night and some worries were so bad, I was actually afraid to sleep. To try and help combat this, try writing in a journal before bed to get those worries out and to set them aside until tomorrow. You can also try meditation.

If you’ve been struggling with sleep, I hope some of these tips might be able to help you! You deserve to get the rest you need!

What are some things that help you get a good night of sleep?

From a young age, reading has been something that has really helped me with my mental health. Not only is reading a relaxing activity, but to me, it’s so much more than that. When I was really struggling with my mental health and I really just couldn’t deal, reading was my escape.

I would get lost in novels and immerse myself in the stories to escape my own reality. It was easier to put myself in someone else’s shoes in a fictional world than it was to deal with my own issues. Even if I was reading stories that were filled with drama, twists, and turns, it was still better than dealing with those things in my own life.

I did a lot of reading when I was younger. I had a kindle fire tablet that I used to read. It was great because I could just download books for free without having to find space to store them all. I would carry it around with me and do my chores while reading my book. It was also great being able to read in the dark in the middle of the night when everyone was asleep.

Aside from reading being an escape, it was also a way for me to see that I wasn’t alone in a lot of the things I was feeling. A lot of books I read were written from the first-person point of view (the person is telling their own story from their perspective) so you really get an insight into their thoughts and feelings as well as things they’re struggling with. It was nice to be able to connect and relate with the characters in my books, even if they weren’t real.

I’ve been having a really hard time mentally lately, just generally having a pretty rough go. I’ve started to read again and it has been the escape that I so desperately needed. Sitting down in a cozy spot with a good book is just such a nice mental reset for me. I love getting lost in my books and forgetting what’s been bothering me, even if it’s only temporary. I also just love having reading to look forward to.

It wasn’t easy for me to get started reading again. I kept making all of these excuses saying I can’t read, I need to do this or I need to do that. The thing is, I was really ignoring my needs and I was not practicing any kind of self-care. In fact, I haven’t really been doing anything for myself lately and it’s part of the reason why my mental health has crumbled. That’s why I made the time to read because I desperately needed it and I deserve to do things I enjoy that aren’t related to work or caring for others.

Here’s the thing…

One day you’re going to be the happiest version of yourself, and it’s all going to be so damn worth it.

Recovery is HARD. Healing takes time. Even on the days you want to give up, remind yourself that one day you’ll be the happiest version of yourself. You’ll look back and be so glad that you kept pushing through the hard parts of healing. And I hope you’ll be proud of yourself, because recovery isn’t easy.

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I have always been very good about going to every doctors appointment. If I’ve been really sick and not sure if it was serious or not, I’ve always played it safe and gone to see a medical professional. I have been seeing VARIOUS specialists for years now.

I have my primary care doctor. I have my OBGY. I go to the dentist twice a year. I have a GI doctor (for IBS-related issues that stem from my anxiety). I have a podiatrist because I found out I have very flat feet with absolutely no arch my junior year of high school. I regularly see a dermatologist because one of my biggest fears is getting skin cancer. Most recently, I started seeing an endocrinologist because last year I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s, which was no surprise to me because of a family history of thyroid disease. I’ve also seen various naturopathic doctors in the past to try and help with balancing my hormones.

While a lot of people might read that list and think, wow, you’re too young to have so many doctors…shit happens. I spent years treating my body like absolute shit. I struggled with disordered eating for most of my life (kinda still do), and that causes SO MANY health issues that nobody ever tells you about. On top of that, I smoked cigarettes with the actual intention of doing harm to my body. Thankfully, that was just a short stint.

I’ve also just had health issues. I had mono and a Lyme disease diagnosis back to back and it was after that that I started having significant GI issues between the month-long round of antibiotics and the mono causing insane inflammation. My very first pap smear, I had came back with abnormal cells so instead of not having to have another one for three years, I had to keep going back because cervical cancer was a concern. THANKFULLY, my last one finally came back with no abnormal cells. It was something that was a stressor for years (especially when the pandemic hit and closed everything down making me unable to get into the doctors on time for my yearly pap smear).

The reason I try to stay so on top of my health and regular blood work is because I know I have not been kind to my body, I’ve had some things in the past that have wrecked havoc on my body, and I just have a family history of certain things so I try to look out for those. As I mentioned earlier, thyroid disease is super common on both sides of my family so I started getting regular thyroid panels done when I was in college

Last year, I was officially diagnosed with Hashimoto’s, which is an autoimmune disorder. Essentially, this means my body is slowly attacking my thyroid and eventually it won’t be able to function on its own and I’ll need to go on medication. There’s no predicting when that might be, but given my family history, it’s likely that it will happen. My endocrinologist has also told me pretty much at every appointment I’ve had with him that I’m more likely to miscarry because of my diagnosis.

The thyroid controls a lot in the body hormone wise and it’s not uncommon for thyroid diseases to cause mental health issues such as anxiety and depression. Anxiety is typically associated with hyperthyroidism (over-active thyroid), while depression is typically associated with hypothyroidism (under-active thyroid). This is one of the main reasons why I have been getting blood work for my thyroid for years. My mental health at one point was so bad, I was looking for answers and explanations everywhere.

If you’re trying to focus on your mental health, it’s important to also take care of your physical health. It might not seem like they’re connected, but they are. I’m not saying it’s easy, because I have been that person who neglected their physical AND mental health because I just didn’t want to be alive. But, you deserve to be mentally and physically healthy.

I also do want to acknowledge that I am VERY lucky to have insurance and my mom’s help to be able to see all of these doctors to try and maintain my health. If not having insurance is a barrier to getting regular check-ups, I would recommend looking into getting Husky through Access Health CT. Below is some information about them:

Access Health CT  is Connecticut’s official health insurance marketplace, where you can shop, compare and enroll in quality healthcare plans; and it is the only place where you can qualify for financial help to lower your costs, and if eligible, enroll in free or low-cost coverage through HUSKY Health Program (Medicaid/CHIP) or the Covered Connecticut Program.

I really feel like I hate the world sometimes… but then I realize, the world is beautiful. What I really hate is people (I don’t really hate people, I’m just very anti-social because of my social anxiety).

I spend a lot of time exploring and adventuring alone because I get super anxious that people might not want to go and do things I want to do. I like to stop at all the random parks and things that catch my interest along the way without feeling like I’m dragging people to places they don’t want to go. Honestly if I could, I would pull off at every sign I saw if there was enough time in a day LOL.

As much as I love having company when I go exploring new places, my anxiety stops me from asking anyone because of the fear they might not want to do all the random things I want to do. I have one friend who is always down to do the random stuff I want to do, but it’s tough to find times we are both free because of ~adulting~ and work.

Honestly, this is part of the reason why I got a dog, so I would have an adventure buddy who I knew would always be happy just to be with me, no matter where we were.

Do you

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Always remember that the life in front of you is far more important than the life behind you.

The things that happened in your past don’t define you. Keep your head up and keep moving forward ❤️

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The truth is…healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed.

I wish I could tell you when you heal, all of your trauma and the memories of those traumas goes away, but the trauma is something that sticks with you for the rest of your life.

Healing is finding ways to cope with the traumas and the damage those traumas caused. Learning to cope and healing doesn’t mean that the damage never happened. It just means you’ve managed to move past the damage to create a fresh start for yourself.

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“I don’t think people realize how much strength it takes to pull your own self out of a dark place mentally. If you did that today, or any other day, I’m proud of you.”

May is Mental Health Awareness Month!

This is a time to raise awareness about mental health and awareness about people who are struggling with their mental health. It’s a time to work towards ending the stigma that surrounds people living with mental health issues.

Living with mental health issues is hard. We are often misunderstood. There are still people who think mental illness isn’t real. And, there are still lots of people who think we share our stories and experiences for attention. The reality is, we share our stories to raise awareness and to end the stigma.

How will you be recognizing Mental Health Awareness Month this May?

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You know what they say…laughter is the best medicine. It’s not just a silly saying. Laughter really is some of the best medicine. It can really help your mental health in various ways.

Some of the ways laughter can help your mental health are:

• it diminishes pain
• it protects you from the damaging effects of stress
• it brings your mind and body back into balance
• it lightens your burdens
• it inspires hope
• it connects you to others
• it keeps you grounded, focused, and alert
• it helps you release anger and forgive sooner
• it strengthens resilience
• it improves mood
• it adds joy to life

If you’re wondering how laughter can do all of these things, it’s because your brain releases endorphins when you laugh — hormones that cause a feeling of pleasure and a relaxed mind. Laughing also activates your body’s stress response mechanism. This process changes your heart rate leaving you in high spirits. Additionally, laughter stimulates rapid blood circulation. When this happens, you may experience a calming sensation that takes away tension and stress.

Humor is definitely something that has helped me when my mental health has been bad. Growing up, my brother and I used to laugh SO MUCH. When the two of us are together, we just act so immature, even now in our mid-twenties. We have inside jokes from childhood that still make us laugh until we cry. We find the dumbest things funny when we are together. But, there’s nothing better than laughing so hard that I’m literally crying. It’s one of the best feelings.

I get this way with my friends too. It’s easier to laugh and have fun with people who you’re comfortable around and who have the same sense of humor as you. My best friend Robyn is one of my favorite people to go to when I just need a laugh. We will just laugh and laugh at the dumbest things, but it’s so good to just laugh and act like idiots together (which this has definitely happened in some of the podcasts we have done together here on TurningPointCT). Humor really does help you connect to others.

Another way humor has kind of helped me deal with my mental health is through memes. I am actually in a group called Aborted Dreams: Share Your Memes where I can always count on finding some mental health memes with dark humor. A lot of people who don’t struggle with their mental health don’t get these memes when I show them to them, so I will only share these memes with certain people. But, the dark humor is not only hilarious to me, but it helps me realize that there are tons of other people out there who just get what I’m going through – they’re another way to feel connected with others. Humor (and memes) are one of my favorite ways to deal with my mental health.

Below are just some examples of some of the dark humor memes I laugh at (being mentally ill for as many years as I have has given me a very, very dark sense of humor):

If it’s not memes, I’m scrolling through funny reels on social media. I also have comfort TV shows, most of which are comedies. The Office, Parks and Recreation, and BoJack Horseman are some of my favorites to watch when I’m in a depressive episode.

Anyhoo, I will leave you with this. Laughter really is the best medicine. Find people you can just laugh with for hours and hours. Find people to send memes back and forth with. Find shows that make you laugh until you cry. Follow funny accounts on social media. Your mental health will thank you.

You don’t always need a plan…sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go…and see what happens.

Sometimes, my anxiety gets me so wound up that I panic if I don’t have a plan. I would get so overwhelmed that I would just shut down.

While I still have a lot of moments like this, I’ve found the calm in just going with the flow and allowing myself time to breathe.

I don’t constantly need to have something going on, and I don’t need to have everything planned out. Sometimes it’s better to just be.

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** trigger warning: sexual assault

When people think of sexual assault, they think that strangers are the only danger. You’re taught to expect this from strangers, but never people close to you. You’re taught that it tends to happen when you’re under the influence.

My sexual assault story doesn’t involve a stranger. It doesn’t involve a night out. It doesn’t involve any substances. I was completely sober and I was sexually assaulted by someone I considered a “friend” at the time.

When I was 20, I moved in with my best friend and her boyfriend because their roommate had moved out. I came in to essentially cover the rent they were missing out on from him. The problem is, a couple months after I had moved in, my friend decided she didn’t want to be with her boyfriend anymore.

As the distance began to grow between them, he started to develop feelings for me. After she left, I stayed because I just wasn’t ready to go back to my parents. I was enjoying the freedom of not being under their roof.

But as I said, her then recent-ex began to have feelings for me. He would make comments about how we were the same person and he would hint how much we had in common. Despite me repeatedly telling him that I was not interested, he continued to push.

Eventually, he convinced himself that my feelings would change towards him if he had sex with me. This was something I did not want at all, and I expressed that several times. Despite me saying no, he went for it anyways.

I dissociated the whole time. My body went numb and thankfully, I felt nothing. But, it didn’t change the fact that it happened. It didn’t change the fact that my boundaries I tried to set were disrespected.

I called my best guy friend and had him help me gather all of my things and I moved out that night.

That assault has had a serious effect on me and my relationship. I jump a lot of the time when I get touched now, even by my own boyfriend who I trust completely. There are times that I am afraid to close my eyes when I’m intimate with my own boyfriend. Other times, I will dissociate while we are intimate.

Despite my boyfriend knowing that this happened to me, it’s hard for him to understand why I am jumpy when it comes to being intimate. After all, he is my boyfriend, I trust him, and it is consensual. The problem is, my body remembers the trauma from that one time. And it’s hard for someone who hasn’t been through it to understand. It isn’t a conscious thing.

It’s something I wish I never had to go through. I never took any action. In fact, I had convinced myself that it wasn’t rape for years. I remember a conversation I had with my therapist expressing these thoughts. I told her I didn’t think it was because I gave up and just took it because my repeated no’s didn’t work. But, it was absolutely rape because it wasn’t consensual and I didn’t want it. There was absolutely no part of me that wanted that.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. I have decided to share my story to let others know that they are not alone. Below are some sexual assault resources.

• National ResourceNational Resources for Sexual Assault Survivors and their Loved Ones
• Information About Sexual Assault Awareness Month
• Information About 2022 Campaign For Sexual Assault Awareness Month

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but…

we operate in this environment of technology and everything moves so fast, but the pace we are actually supposed to be moving at is the pace of nature.

unfortunately we live in a society that seems to think working yourself into the ground means success. we are so busy constantly doing things, multi-tasking, and trying to do it all at the expense of our mental health.

we aren’t meant to constantly be going. we aren’t meant to lose sleep trying to get a million things done in a day. we need rest. we need to take breaks to just be.

I missed out on a lot during my time in college because I worked multiple jobs while going to school. not only was I missing out on a lot by trying to balance it all, but it also lead to some serious burnout and my mental and physical health suffered.

this is your reminder that you don’t need to be speeding through life. take some time to slow down and enjoy the moment your in. your physical and mental health will thank you.

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Slow down, you’re doing fine…you can’t be everything you wanna be before your time.

I used to constantly beat myself up for not being where I THOUGHT I should be. I was comparing myself to others and just not giving myself credit for the things that I was doing.

It turns out I was right where I was supposed to be the whole time.

Give yourself credit for the things you’re doing now and appreciate the moment you’re in.

The day will come where everything will fall into place. Be patient with yourself.

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Recovering from and eating disorder is HARD. I’m not going to sit here and tell you it has been a walk in the park, because it has not been. Trying to break the cycle of disordered eating isn’t easy. Learning to love the skin your in takes a lot of work. But, here are some things that have helped me in my personal recovery.

Changing The Way I View Food

One of the worst things you can do is view food as “good” and “bad.” Labels in general are bad. You shouldn’t be avoiding foods because they’re “bad.” Really the only reason you should be avoiding foods is if you’re allergic or if you have a sensitivity.

Diet culture loves to tell you to avoid this and avoid that or that this is horrible for you or that is horrible for you. Pretty much everything is okay to eat in moderation. If you restrict yourself from eating something like sweets or carbs, you’ll end up with a really unhealthy relationship with those foods.

For example, you could 1. be terrified of eating them and have meltdowns when someone tries to get you to eat then or 2. end up binging them and beating yourself up over it when really eating any food should not be causing you distress.

Restriction literally can cause you to end up on the binge eating spectrum of eating disorders. My advice to you is to allow yourself to eat the food. And, don’t let anyone tell you that any food is bad. Like people thinking carbs are evil when your body literally needs them to function. They only reason you should be mindful of how many carbs you’re eating is if you’re diabetic or another legitimate medical reason.

Not Caring About What Size Clothes I Wear

I used to be obsessed with what size I was. In fact, I squeezed myself into clothes that were way too small for years just because I wanted to be able to say “I’m a size (insert small size here).” Squeezing myself into clothes that were obviously way too small did a lot of harm.

Not only are clothes that are too small uncomfortable, but due to them not fitting comfortably, they make you feel heavy. Jeans that are too tight result in muffin tops (even if you’re relatively small). Shirts that are too tight give the illusion that you’re heavier than you are because they don’t fit your body. And, that’s okay! There are clothes out there that do fit you and your body!

Once I started buying clothes that actually fit me, I felt a lot more comfortable in my body. Not having to squeeze and force yourself into clothes that are too small just because they’re a smaller size significantly helped me view my body in a different light.

Honestly, it doesn’t matter what size clothes you wear anyways. They’re all BS and sizes vary depending on brands. Like I can comfortably fit into anything from an extra small to an extra large. At the end of the day, it’s about finding clothes that you feel comfortable and confident in.

Not Comparing Myself To Others Online

This is a tough one that I do still struggle with from time to time. I used to scroll through my feed and ask myself why I am not as skinny and toned as some of the people I saw online. But, then I would remind myself that every body is different. We all have different genetics.

I also try to remind myself that the internet is not real life. A lot of photos you see on social media are very touched up and photos are edited with the intention of making the subject look smaller because that’s what the media and a lot of society praises.

Keeping Pre-Prepared Foods In The House

Something that has really helped me is buying easy to make, pre-prepped foods that are pretty much ready to eat. Some of my struggles with disordered eating stems from both my depression, which leaves me very unmotivated to cook/eat, and from just being very busy. When I was working multiple jobs and going to school, I fell into the habit of just not eating because I was too busy (and tired) to prepare myself anything to eat. If I did eat, it was a small snack here or there.

Now, I buy things that are quick and easy for me to make to help get myself to eat regular meals. It’s not completely fool-proof, but it does help. Even though I’m 25 years old, chicken tenders and chicken nuggets are a staple because I can just throw them in the oven and I can get easy protein. Pasta, specifically protein pasta, is also a staple because of how easy pasta is to cook. I also get a lot of pre-prepared meals that I just have to heat up!

Takeaway

These are just some of the things that have helped me with my recovery. They may work for you, but they may not. Everyone’s recovery looks different.

What are some things that have helped you?

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You are not your past.

People might try to judge you based on your past, but you are not your past.

There are a lot of people who knew me in the past and I can guarantee you they would not believe how different I am today.

I used to be completely self-destructive, harming myself in anyway I could possibly think of. I smoked, I drank, and I just all around made really bad decisions for myself and my well-being.

I did plenty of things I am not proud of in the past, but I am not that person anymore. I have learned so much from my past self, but I have chosen not to dwell on the person I once was. I am not her anymore.

Don’t let anyone judge you by who you used to be. You are you right now in this moment. Your past can stay in the past.

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When I first got my puppy Rip, I wrote a post about the stress of having a new puppy. To say I was overwhelmed was an understatement. I felt completely isolated and there was definitely a lot of crying involved from being so overwhelmed with training and just making sure he stayed safe and out of trouble.

But, I am happy to report things have gotten a lot better since the beginning. Last Saturday, Rip turned four months old and while he is definitely still a handful, things are a lot easier now. Before, leaving the house used to feel impossible because I would worry about him the whole time I was gone. All I could think about was him having to go out while I was gone and I was always just a nervous wreck.

I couldn’t just bring him with me. When he was really young, I had to actually get him used to the car. Turns out dogs don’t instinctually love cars LOL. I had to slowly work my way up to him being able to do longer rides. It was hard at first due to his tiny bladder and car sickness. But, things are a lot easier now that he is more comfortable in the car!

While things are definitely much better than they were, there are still days that are way harder than others. On days when he doesn’t want to nap and I can’t get anything done or any time to myself, it’s definitely hard. On days when training doesn’t go well, I get frustrated and negative self-talk comes in telling me I’m not cut out for this. On days when he won’t stop chewing furniture, I go a bit crazy.

I think the biggest issue right now is he’s not fully vaccinated yet so I can’t actually take him out of the car on his rides just for his own safety. I can’t wait to be able to just take him with me on walks in nature. It’s hard feeling like him and I are confined to the house. He should be ready to go to public places soon though and I’m sure it’ll help a lot!

But, at the end of the day, things are getting better and he is definitely on his way to be being a nice, polite doggo. He might be a bit fresh now, but I mean look at him, how could I not love him!?

Sometimes, you just need to take a step back from your responsibilities and go somewhere where you can escape the stress of everything you have going on. For me, it’s usually going out into nature. While state parks are a great option, I tend to go to lesser known trails and parks that don’t get crowded so I can feel more connected with nature.

Where do you you feel completely free?

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Check out our video Mental Health Benefits of Nature right here in our Media Room!

I don’t know who needs to hear this today but, peace is the result of re-training your mind to process life as it is rather than what you think it should be.

I used to really beat myself up over thinking I was not where I was supposed to be in life. I graduated later than all of the people I graduated high school with, I lived with my parents longer than I thought most people do, and I just constantly felt like I wasn’t where I should be in life.

At this point in my life, I’ve learned to accept and love where I am in life and what I’m doing. My journey looks a lot different than other people’s journeys and that’s okay.

It’s easy to compare yourself to what other people are doing because of social media, but we really only see a tiny glimpse of what people CHOOSE to share on social media.

Learn to love the life you’re living now…find your peace.

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Let’s be honest, sometimes recovery is hard.

You’ll constantly hear people telling you things like “stay positive” and it’s definitely not always easy when you feel completely broken.

This is your reminder that staying positive doesn’t always mean being happy all the time.

On the hard days, remind yourself that better days are coming.

Recovery isn’t linear. There will be good days and there will be bad days. Keep your head up, you’ve got this.

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** trigger warning: suicidal ideation

** explicit language

So for those of you that don’t know, Machine Gun Kelly is one of my favorite artists. I wrote a post a little while back about Machine Gun Kelly songs that helped me through one of the worst depressions of my life. I think one of my favorite things about his music is how unfiltered it is. He talks so openly about his struggles with his mental health and addiction so unapologetically. I love how he is just unapologetically himself.

On March 25th, Machine Gun Kelly dropped his new album Mainstream Sellout and of course, I listened to the album the first chance I got that day. To say I was excited was an understatement. As I listened to the album, I was once again just in awe at how open and unfiltered the lyrics were. There were so many lines that I just immediately connected with.

He has a lot of haters, but I really just think it’s because they don’t understand him. But, people who sit on the internet and make fun of people they don’t even know just have no life anyways. Like calling him a poser just because he originally started in rap and talking about his style or claiming he’s a poser. And like people wonder why he is depressed and anxious…people are constantly coming at him with the most ridiculous shit.

I think the most ridiculous insult I’ve heard is that he is stealing Blink-182’s sound, even though Travis Barker, A LITERAL BAND MEMBER OF BLINK-182, has been involved with producing MGK’s two most recent albums. In fact, Travis Barker was literally the drummer on both albums.

ANYHOO, below are some of my favorite songs from the album along with some of my favorite lines.

born with horns

Some Lyrics That I Connected With:

Yeah, part one: why is it so hard to live?
Part two: I shouldn’t have done what I did
Part three: everyone’s left me alone
Part four: I don’t want to live anymore
Yeah, I’d rather be a freak than somebody’s puppet
Release your leash, I don’t belong in the circus
They cut each my wings soon as my name was in cursive
Now I’m six feet deep, I guess my life wasn’t perfect

god save me

Some Lyrics That I Connected With:

Last month, took a gun in the room alone
Last month, almost blew my head off
She screamеd and I never put down the phonе
I gotta be somewhere, please hang up

Now, smile for the camera
Breakups are entertaining
My mental imbalance
Mixed with the drugs create me

…

Do it again, do it again and die
I’m a lost boy, I’m a lost boy
She’s a goth girl, she’s a pop girl
I know a one way, I know a one way
To a lost world, to a lost world

5150

Some Lyrics That I Connected With:

[Verse 1]
Bruises don’t heal overnight
I’m a few sips from pulling the trigger
Self-abusive, on the borderline
If having you’ll be my grave digger

[Pre-Chorus]
Leave, leave, leave me now
Please, please, save yourself
Leave, leave, leave me now
Before I hurt someone else

[Chorus]
You’re crazy (5150)
I won’t go (5150)
You make me (5150)
I’m damaged (Please don’t fix me)

papercuts – album edit

Some Lyrics That I Connected With:

Everybody’s so nice lately (Everybody’s not nice)
Polarized feelings, I don’t wear them on my face lately (I don’t wear them on my face)
Internalized evеrything the headlines say latеly (Everything they say)
Demonized just because I was an angel face baby (Baby)

…

I spend a lot of nights thinking
I might go to sleep and never wake up
I spend a lot of money on these therapy sessions
Even though I’m not showing up
I spend a lot of time healing my mind and my heart
But I still put these drugs in my gut

ay! (feat. Lil Wayne)

Some Lyrics That I Connected With:

Only playlists I like are the sad onеs
Yeah, I let the mеdicine in, I know it don’t help in the end
But I got depression again
I had a meeting at 7, I skipped it and slept in and woke up at 7 PM

die in california (feat. Gunna, Young Thug & Landon Barker)

Lyrics That I Connected With:

Killed the me I used to be
I might die in California
In my mind, I had a dream
Saw a demon on my shoulder
Yeah, I know, I should probably let it go (Let it go)
Yeah, I know, I might die in California, die in California, mmm

Ayy, someone cut the lights off please
I’ve been kinda sad lately
I know that I’m good for you (Yeah)
But you kinda bad, baby (Mm)
We’re just doin’ love chants, brewin’ up the potion
I had a premonition I was overdosin’ (So)
Someone cut the lights off please
I don’t want you to look at me
I paint my nails black
If I ever look happy then it’s an act
Every day is an anxiety attack
I wish I could take it back
To when I was drinkin’ water out the tap
With the Cleveland logo printed on my hat
Tell me, was it my fear of bein’ complacent
That ended up leavin’ me so jaded?
I’m miserable even though I made it

twin flame

Lyrics That I Connected With:

And tonight the moon is full, so take me anywhere outside
I cannot kiss you yet, you’re magic, so I’ll just stare at you instead
I get insecure and panic ’cause I know you’re too pure for this

[Chorus: Machine Gun Kelly]
You’re too good for me, I’m too bad to keep
I’m too sad, lonely
I want you only

Takeaways

1. Based on the lyrics I chose, it’s probably obvious that I have struggled with depression. I think he does a really good job of describing what it’s really like.
2. Even though I didn’t put every song on the album in this post, I want to make it clear I love them all. I just tried to showcase the ones I felt showcased how I feel about my mental health.
3. I think anyone who has struggled with their mental health will be able to relate to most of these songs. I know I was really able to relate to a lot of the lyrics.
4. This album is great.
5. Yes, I am an angsty, depressed, and anxious 25 year old. Thanks for noticing.

Due to having a puppy, I have very brief periods of time to myself where I can either work, do house work, feed myself, or run errands. This morning during one of my puppy’s naps, I decided to go to one of my favorite local spots to get outside and away from the screens and my responsibilities for a brief moment with just myself and nature.

It was so peaceful at Yantic Falls even though it was sprinkling the whole time I was there. Sometimes, going out exploring in the rain is better because there’s less people and you tend to almost have these beautiful parks to yourself.

While part of me wants to constantly go go go and get things done because of the fact that our society as a whole praises people who work themselves to death, I am really trying to remind myself that there is a life outside of work. There is more to life than just working myself to death. I’m trying to make sure I experience things and find some kind of balance between work and the everyday responsibilities that come with being an adult.

Below is a short glimpse of my little mini adventure at Yantic Falls this morning 🙂

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** TW – suicidal ideation

In about a week, I will be 25. I’m not going to lie, I never planned to make it to 25. Most of my life I spent wishing I was dead. Between being self-destructive by drinking, smoking, starving myself and literally planning to end my life, I never really planned on living a long life. I really never thought I’d make it through those dark years of my life. Yet, here I am about to turn 25.

I really couldn’t tell you what specifically changed my tune about wanting to continue living. And, I’d be lying if I told you that I don’t still have days where I really don’t want to continue on. But, for whatever reason, I am committed to trying to live my life to the fullest now.

I feel like I have reasons to live now. I have a happy home, four great animals, a beautiful niece, and I’m literally an advocate for others who are struggling much like I have my entire life. Younger me would be so proud, but also surprised.

I’m pursing my passions instead of living my life the way others expected me to. I don’t really care what others think of me. I’m not afraid to be my authentic self. I live my life for myself.

But as I said, as someone who has suffered tremendously with suicidal ideations for so many years of my life, I really never thought I’d be here. I really can’t tell you how many times I was teetering on the edge of ending my life. Making a plan, getting rid of belongings so nobody would have to do it when I was gone, deciding who would get what little money was in my bank account…it’s scary to think of how close I was to not being here.

On the days that are hard, I remind myself why I continue to keep pushing forward. I really do have so much to be grateful for. There’s also so much in the world that I have not experienced yet. While I have my fur babies, I want to have children. I want to see the world. While 25 seems so old, I’m still really young. I still have a lot of living to do.

Cheers to 25. I am thankful to have made it to a quarter-of-a-century.

When I’m overwhelmed, I tend to avoid everything by mindlessly scrolling on social media.

I’m not saying it’s the best coping skill, but sometimes it works and it feels a lot better than dissociating staring at the wall for hours paralyzed by my anxiety🤷🏻‍♀️

Does anyone else do this?

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I used to be that person that was always there whenever ANYONE needed me. I was the person everyone could count on.

I’ve been the person to front people money again and again who I knew probably wouldn’t pay me back.

I’ve gone and picked people up in the middle of the night who probably wouldn’t have done the same for me.

I’ve been a listening ear to people who would never just sit and listen to me when I just needed to vent.

Eventually, I had to put an end to being the person that everyone went to because it was exhausting.

Not only was it taking a toll on my mental health, but I would find myself stressing out about these people and their problems while none of them even thought about the toll their problems were taking on me.

I had to learn to say no. I had to learn that it is not my job to be the fixer of everyone else’s problems.

I had to learn that while yes, sometimes it is nice to help others, it can become a toxic cycle when it’s one-sided. It also becomes toxic when other people’s problems consume you to the point where you’re ignoring all of your own needs and problems.

When I stopped being that person, I lost a lot of “friends” that I constantly helped out.

But, it was honestly a weight lifted off of my shoulder. Now I put my own needs first because I realize how important it is to be the person I was to all of those people to myself. I need to be there for myself because me and my problems matter too.

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Today is the International Day of Happiness! I thought about writing a post about happiness, but I found myself struggling a bit. So instead, I decided to make a video that gives you a glimpse of some of the things that bring me happiness!

What makes you happy?

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I don’t know about you, but I am the queen of leaving events early (if I even choose to go to events).

My anxiety makes it extremely uncomfortable and difficult to be in social situations where I have to interact with multiple people at once, especially if they’re people I don’t know.

Sometimes I feel guilty and rude slipping out early, but the physical symptoms and the mental symptoms of anxiety together are enough to make me not care because the panic usually takes over.

For the most part, people that know me understand this, but it’s hard when I feel like I have to explain myself to strangers.

Do you ever feel this way at social events?

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Have you ever had someone try to shame and blame you for your anxiety or depression?

I’ve heard all kinds of ridiculous things like “if you just change your mindset, you’ll be happy!” or “it’s like you want to be miserable” or “you literally work yourself up”

like yes, my brain, which is technically a part of me, gets me wound up for reasons that do not make sense to others. but, that does not mean I am actively choosing to worry to the point where I feel PHYSICALLY sick.

Trauma causes mental illnesses. Chemical imbalances cause mental illnesses. People do not simply CHOOSE to be mentally ill. This is not a choice. And it is really a life-long healing journey trying to recover from these invisible disorders.

Believe me, nobody would purposely choose to be mentally ill. Much like nobody would choose to be physically ill or injured. It shouldn’t be such a hard concept for others to wrap their heads around.

Nobody likes thinking about how trauma has affected them. But, there’s no hiding the fact that trauma has had an impact on my life. Whether I like it or not, there are a lot of things I do and don’t do because of past traumas.

Trauma isn’t always one event. Sometimes it’s repeated events. Anything can be trauma, it’s different for everyone. There are some things that I would consider traumatic that I have flashbacks about that people would probably argue aren’t trauma. The problem is, they are traumatic because those events have completely altered me.

Before I get into how trauma has affected me personally, I’d like to give you a list of some of the effects of trauma:

• Flashbacks
• Panic attacks
• Dissociation
• Unable to relax
• Sleep problems
• Low self-esteem
• Grief
• Self-harm
• Suicidal feelings
• Alcohol and substance misuse

I’d love to tell you I’ve only dealt with a select few of the issues on that list, but I have struggled with all of them as a result of traumas in my life. I’m sure a lot of you are thinking there’s no way someone who’s only 25 has dealt with that much trauma in their life. But, due to a lot of mental health issues, I put myself in a lot of really bad situations, but there were definitely things that happened to me that were completely out of my control.

I think one of the worst things I’ve dealt with are flashbacks. There are days when it’s constant. I’ll have periods where they won’t be an issue, but then they’ll come back full force out of nowhere. This typically leads to anxiety or even panic attacks as I relive the traumas.

The flashbacks also lead to dissociation. Sometimes the dissociation is not being able to differentiate the flashbacks from reality. Other times, the dissociation is literally my brain completely shutting down in an attempt to protect myself from my own thoughts. In other words it’s a bunch of nothing-ness while I stare at a wall with no thoughts for hours. Dissociating is something I’ve even turned to during traumatic events to escape the reality of what was happening to me.

Oh and don’t forget how the flashbacks also negatively affect my sleep. The flashbacks love to come as I’m trying to fall asleep at night. Some nights they will be so bad, I will be terrified to close my eyes. So instead of taking the chance of closing my eyes and getting sucked into a flashback, I’ll keep my eyes open and stare at the ceiling until I’m too tired to fight it anymore.

My traumas have lead to a lot of suicidal feelings. Sometimes when I think about the things that happened to me, I can’t help but think why? There were many times when I thought about ending my life after traumatic events.

Another way I tried to deal with my trauma was by using substances. I used alcohol and marijuana to numb myself. I didn’t want to feel anything. Getting so stoned or drunk that I was barely there was an escape for me. It was my way to avoid the flashbacks and the anxiety.

That’s the other thing about trauma. A lot of traumas are tied to people, places, and things. I avoid a lot of people and places because of my trauma. I have lived in the same area since I was a kid and there have been a lot of times that I have honestly thought about moving away because I drive by triggering places just in my everyday life.

I avoid places where I might see someone from my past that I went no contact with. If I can’t avoid these places, I am anxious the whole time. There have even been times where even going to one of these places was mentioned and I’ve had a panic attack that lead to hyperventilating and tears. How do you tell someone that you can’t go a certain restaurant or another normal place without feeling like you’re going to die? How do you explain that to someone who has never been through it?

While I don’t want my trauma to control my life, I feel like it definitely does sometimes. Sometimes, it makes me feel completely helpless. It’s like a never-ending hell. I hate that there are places I can’t go to because they’re attached to certain things that have happened to me. I hate that I have to live in fear going to certain towns because I might see someone who did something to me.

But, this is the reality of being a trauma survivor. It doesn’t matter how many years have gone by, the effects are always there. Sometimes the symptoms are in my face, other times it’s subconscious because I’ve been living with these things for so long. This is my life with CPTSD from years of repeated trauma.

If you’ve dealt with something traumatic, I am so sorry. I really would not wish any of these aftereffects of trauma on anyone. I know how hard it has been for me. But, if you are struggling, there is help out there. Check out some of our resources to find help.

If you liked this post, be sure to check out Sasha’s post My Thoughts On Trauma right here on turningpointct.org.

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I have been so overwhelmed lately, so when my friend who lives in Vermont said she was off this weekend, I quickly made the last minute plans to make the four hour drive up. I have taken on way too much work and it has taken such a toll on my mental health. I have found myself pretty much avoiding work and emails because it has all been too much.

I’ve been drowning in work. I recently started a new travel blog with my mom. I’m working this job at TurningPointCT, working on my other blog with my mom, as well as working on my mom’s main blog. I’m ALSO caring for a puppy, and trying to do all the things that come with being an adult such as cooking, cleaning, etc. Somehow I am managing to get everything done, but again, at the expense of my mental well-being.

Even though my trip up to Vermont was only a day and a half, with the half part being a total of 8 hours of driving, the one full day I got of exploring was such a breath of fresh air. I might have walked a whopping 10 miles bouncing around to see everything I possibly could in a day, but it brought back some of the life that had been drained out of me from the constant, around-the-clock work schedule I’ve found myself in.

You can get a glimpse of my day in Vermont below 🙂

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I can’t wait to go back in a month for my birthday when the weather will hopefully be a bit warmer!

So for those of you that don’t know, I am a former smoker of both cigarettes and marijuana. While smoking definitely started out as a social thing, it definitely became something that became a coping mechanism for me.

I really was never a heavy marijuana smoker and I really only did it when I was with friends who were doing it. The amount of times I smoke marijuana was so few that I never learned how to use a bowl, bong, or how to roll anything. I had never even bought marijuana myself. Cigarettes on the other hand, that was a daily thing for me.

I had my first cigarette when I was a freshman in college. My best friend smoked them and even though I had always told myself I would never, one drunken night, she offered one to me and I smoked it. I remember the insane head rush, but I also remember it not tasting that great.

The reason I kept smoking was because it was kind of a social thing. I liked stepping outside with my friend to have a cigarette and just talk. Later, it became a me thing instead of just a social thing. A lot of my freshman and sophomore year of college memories include cigarettes. Driving to and from school blasting my music with the windows down while I smoked my cigarettes. Taking smoking breaks during my shifts at Subway because I just didn’t feel like being inside. Taking smoke breaks with friends because it was something to do.

I don’t know if I was addicted to the nicotine, or if I just really liked the act of doing it. I really only smoked for about a year or two, but as I said, they were a big part of those couple of years. But, I really liked the actual act of putting it in my mouth and taking a drag. It was like a really shitty for you form of calming breathing. The breathing in, then taking a deep inhale to fill your lungs, and then the long, deep exhale.

There was just something calming about the act of smoking a cigarette. In fact, after I had stopped smoking, I would pretend to smoke just to calm myself down. I thought I was crazy to pretend to smoke to calm myself. But, when I brought it up to my therapist, she wasn’t surprised because it really was like a deep breathing exercise. It’s something I still do to this day.

Another reason why I smoked was because I really was not in a great place mentally. I was actively trying to harm my body in every way I could think of. Much like my battle with anorexia, in my mind, smoking was another way to get a slow, painful death. I wanted nothing more than to make myself suffer because I felt like I deserved it. I just didn’t want to live, but I also didn’t want to actually commit suicide. So, I opted for the casual way to harm my body by doing things I knew were bad.

I don’t remember why I stopped smoking. I think it was because I got really sick and I knew that smoking wouldn’t help me get over it. Quitting smoking while I was sick actually made it worse because I had what they call “smoker’s flu” which is essentially just more mucus and congestion as your lungs try to push all the shit out of your lungs that you’ve been inhaling for years. It was not a fun time.

During this sick period, I got steroids from a walk-in clinic to help me fight off the sickness, and I had my first panic attack while I was at work. I later went to my actual primary care doctor and she was like oh jeez when she found out they gave me steroids because she knew that I had anxiety. The way she put it, the steroids had a stimulant effect on me and that was what caused the panic attack. Because of that, she wouldn’t even chance giving me an inhaler even though I was so congested I could barely breathe.

I haven’t smoked since I quit. But, I’d be lying if I said I don’t think about it often. There are still times I’m driving around in my car and I think to myself “man, I wish I had a cigarette right now.” On days I’m really stressed out, I think about how easy it would be for me to just go buy a pack of cigarettes. And for those of you thinking “why don’t you just vape?” it’s because it’s not the same. Been there, done that. I vaped before I even smoked cigarettes.

Despite having these thoughts of wanting to smoke, I also have my anxious brain that stops me from doing them. I’m not at a point in my life where I’m actively trying to destroy my body on purpose anymore. Every time I think about smoking, my anxious brain tells me “hell no, lung cancer.” As much as I hate my anxiety, it does have me too afraid to pick up smoking ever again. I guess it’s useful for that.

Even though I only smoked for about 2 years, I still have to put on my medical records that I am a former smoker. And even though I haven’t smoked since 2016, 5 years later, I still think about it a lot. While I probably won’t ever touch cigarettes again, I can’t help but wonder if those thoughts will ever go away. Or, if they’ll be with me for the rest of my life because of a couple self-destructive years in college.

For those of you that don’t know, I am multi-racial. I am a quarter Filipino, and while it might not seem like much, it is a big part of my identity. My grandfather was born and raised in the Philippines and my mom is half Filipino. It’s not like my Filipino genetics are generations and generations away. But, because I am for the most part white-presenting, a lot of the time, this part of me gets very invalidated. Because I look white, I am basically told “well you’re just a white person.” It makes me feel like I can’t talk about that part of my identity without pushback.

It’s really unfair because growing up, my mom always tried to teach me about Filipino culture and she even tried to teach me some Spanish words as a child. For those of you that don’t know, the Spanish colonized in the Philippines so there are a lot of Spanish Filipinos. For example, my grandfather’s mother was the Spanish Filipino and his father was native Filipino without any Spanish mixed in.

Not only did my mom always try to teach me about Filipino culture, but I had an array of things from the Philippines that I still have to this day. I have a dress and sandals from the Philippines that was once my mom’s. I have handmade purses and other trinkets from the Philippines. I even have a Filipino Barbie Doll. It was always something that was a part of my identity. It was always my favorite thing to tell people whenever I shared fun facts about myself. So, it really hurts when I’m just told “you’re just a white person.” It’s extremely invalidating.

I was not always white presenting. When I was younger, I was much darker than I am now. As I’ve aged, my skin pigment has definitely lessened. But when I was younger, I definitely looked like I could be a different race. What’s interesting though is my brother who is only 14 months older than me looked completely white. People never in a million years would have thought he was Filipino. He had blond hair, fair skin, and blue eyes. Me? Not so much. I had dark hair, brown eyes, and dark skin.

It wasn’t just my brother though that I didn’t look like. My cousins on my dad’s side all were very white looking so I always kind of stood out when I was with them. And, I was with them every week because my grandparents and aunt took us everywhere. I was the dark one amongst the fair-skinned children. Thankfully though, I did have cousins who looked more like me on my mom’s side (aka the Filipino side).

So yes, while I am 75% white, at the end of the day, I am still Filipino and it that will never stop being a part of me. Am I mostly white? Yes. Does that mean it’s okay for people to throw that in my face when I speak about my Filipino family and culture? No. You can’t tell someone they don’t represent a race just because they are white-presenting. Believe me, I am more than just a white person.

And even though I am not bi-lingual, that does not make a part of my identity invalid. Also, I would like to point out I wish I could speak Tagalog, but my mom had never learned. When I asked my grandmother why none of her children learned, she said they were not interested because yes, my white grandmother could fluently speak it.

I got the same answer from my grandmother on my other side who was an immigrant to this country from Germany. She spoke Polish and German and none of her kids were interested in learning either. I COULD have known at least 4 languages, but that is another conversation.

Regardless, just because someone is white-presenting, that does not give you permission to decide for them that they are or are not something based on what they look like to you. In this day and age, there are so many mixed people and really you’re better off just not assuming that someone is this or that just because they appear a certain race or ethnicity on the outside. It’s just plain rude. I know plenty of people who are mixed with darker skinned races who present white, but guess what, they’re other races besides white-European.

So next time you try to tell someone they are white just because they are white-presenting, don’t. Let them tell you for themselves what their race/ethnicity is. Bonus tip: don’t tell someone who is actually mixed race that they cannot present their race because they don’t look it, especially after they have told you that they are more than just white.

I’d also like to note here that not everyone likes to argue with me about what I am. There are a lot of people who do openly ask me what race I am because I really do not think that I look completely white. I definitely have features that some people have described as “exotic” (LOL, not even kidding). Being mixed is cool and unique. I definitely would not change it for the world. And if you are mixed and white-presenting, do not take shit from anyone, your identity is completely valid.

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@turningpointct.org when you vent to someone and get unwanted advice instead of validation #validation #mentalhealth #venting #fyp ♬ original sound – Schitt’s Creek

As someone with a history with eating disorders, there are a lot of times that I either forget to eat because my hunger cues are messed up. Additionally, depression makes my will to cook or eat nonexistent. It is not unusual for me to go almost the whole day without me eating.

I’m still very much in recovery when it comes to working on my disordered eating, but I do try and help myself eat. One of the ways I help myself is by trying to keep things that require little effort to make/eat in the house that have at least some nutrients I know my body needs. Even with these easy items in the house, there are still days I only eat one meal because I decided to work through lunch or dissociate for hours.

Regardless, below are some things I keep in the house to try and make sure I am eating throughout the day!

@turningpointct.org I struggle with regularly eating throughout the day. Here’s some stuff I keep in the house to help! #nedawareness #edawarewness #fyp ♬ original sound – turningpointct

Music has been something I have always used as a way to cope when I’m struggling. There’s just something about music that helps me release the weight on my shoulders. Listening to music is great, but being able to play an instrument and sing is another level. It’s something that I have been doing since I was in middle school and while there are times I don’t do it for months are years, I can always sit down at the piano or pick up my guitar and play like no time has passed.

Last night, I put my puppy into the crate for a nap and I sat down and played my guitar and sang some of my favorite songs. I’ve been really struggling with adjusting to having a young puppy and I knew playing would probably help relive some of the stress. My grandfather taught me how to play guitar when I was younger and he even gave me one of his guitars when I was in middle school. He is a big reason why I feel so connected to music, so naturally, whenever I play, I send him some videos.

I used to be really conscious of hearing myself sing in recordings. My grandfather always recorded me singing and playing, but it always made me cringe. Videos of me just playing guitar or piano I loved, but I couldn’t stand to listen to my voice. Now at 24 years old, I am somehow now at a point where I have more confidence in myself and I’m comfortable sharing my voice with the world.

I recorded myself last night singing “Wide Open Spaces” by The Chicks because it’s a song that my mom always listened to while I was growing up and it was also a song that always had a lot of meaning to me. The lyrics have always spoken to me, but they speak to me more now that I’m older. I decided to post that video to share with everyone who seems to love to hear me play, but it was also something I did for myself. You can watch my video below:

@ohbabyitskailey picked up the guitar for the first time in months, a bit rusty #guitar #thechicks #wideopenspaces #singing #music #countrycovers #fyp ♬ original sound – Kailey

I am lucky to have playing music to help me cope. How does music help you cope?

I’ve been having a rough go lately. Taking myself to Starbucks has been a consistent form of self-care for me. Whenever I haven’t eaten all day, I bring myself there to get myself egg white bites because lately, I haven’t had the energy or the will to cook. I always get myself a hot chocolate because I don’t drink caffeine. Caffeine makes my anxiety way worse. I don’t know what it is, but hot chocolates make me happier. So do the egg white bites.

@turningpointct.org some Starbucks to warm my soul #starbucks #depresso #depressed #mentalhealth #fyp ♬ CLOSE MY EYES – Ki

This year, Eating Disorder Awareness Week starts on February 21. This year’s NEDAwareness Week will center around the theme, “See the Change, Be the Change.” This means that the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) will spend the week acknowledging the evolution of the eating disorders field (#SeeTheChange), as well as encouraging people to engage in advocacy and raise awareness of eating disorders in their communities (#BeTheChange).

As someone who has personally struggled with an eating disorder and also as someone who has watched people close to me battle eating disorders, this is something that is really important to me. While most of us are aware that eating disorders exist, I feel that many people do not quite grasp how they affect the people who struggle with them as well as their loved ones. Eating disorders can literally be life-threatening, it’s about more than just being skinny. On the other end of the spectrum, there are people who think that only skinny people have eating disorders and that’s just not true either.

If you are someone who has struggled with an eating disorder, I encourage you to share your story. Below you can find stories that other young people have shared about their struggles with eating disorders:

• My Struggle With Anorexia and Disordered Eating
• Ana – Bulimia: The Never Ending Cycle
• Shenan’s Story on Overcoming Eating Disorder
• Social Media and Diet Culture

If you’re struggling with an eating disorder, just know that you are not alone and that there is help out there. Below are some resources that might help you if you’re struggling with an eating disorder:

Hotlines

• National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders: 1-630-577-1330
• National Eating Disorders Association Helpline: 1-800-931-2237
• Overeaters Anonymous: 1-505-891-2664
• Multi-Service Eating Disorders Association: 1-617-558-1881
• Bulimia and Self-Help Hotline: 1-314-588-1683

Finding Groups and Treatment in Connecticut

• Eating Disorder Hope

** Note: I am not a doctor, just a mentally ill young adult/peer. This is just my experience and this video is not a way to diagnose yourself.

@turningpointct.org currently working in the middle of the night instead of sleeping #mentallyill #mentalhealthtiktoks #emotionaldamage #fyp ♬ Emotional Damage vs Pompeii – WILLIAM LI

Avatar: The Last Airbender is a favorite show of mine that I find myself watching over and over again. There are so many things to learn from the show and the growth of the characters throughout the series is inspiring. One of my favorite characters is Uncle Iroh. Throughout the series, Uncle Iroh continually gives troubled Prince Zuko advice. This is necessary as Zuko makes some pretty questionable decisions due to anger and pain from unresolved trauma.

Below are some of my favorite words of wisdom from Uncle Iroh.

1. “Is it your own destiny? Or is it a destiny someone else has tried to force on you?”

This quote from Iroh really is like a punch to the gut, but in a good way. I spent years pursing things that I didn’t want to because people told me I had to. I spent years doing track even though I hated it and the sport caused me serious anxiety. I spent 3 years of college in a major I couldn’t stand because people told me it was a good career path.

At the end of the day, you are the one who lives with the decisions you make. You can create your own destiny. You do not have to pursue a destiny that someone has forced on you. I promise you, you will be miserable.

2. “While it is always best to believe in oneself, a little help from others can be a great blessing.”

The key takeaway from this is it is okay to ask for help. It might seem weak to ask for help, but there are just some situations and things that are just too heavy for one person to deal with on their own. In the past, I was that person that never wanted to ask for help because I didn’t want people thinking I wasn’t capable and I also didn’t want them thinking that I am a burden. I now realize it is okay to ask for help and it is also okay to accept help from others when they offer. You do not have to do everything alone.

3. “You have light and peace inside of you. If you let it out, you can change the world around you.”

In the series, Zuko spent so much of his time being angry and taking it out on the world around him. But really, he did have light and peace inside of him, it just took a lot of growth for him to see it and use it.

I used to let my depression and past traumas consume me. I was angry at the world and honestly, there was a bit of comfort in the darkness because it was really all I knew. It took me years to finally let go of the anger and the pain of what happened to me. But, in the process, I was able to let out the light and peace inside of me.

You might feel like you’ve lost your light permanently, but I promise you it’s still in there. It might take some time to find it, but it will come back.

4. “Sometimes life is like this dark tunnel. You can’t always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you just keep moving, you will come to a better place.”

When you’re in a dark place mentally, it’s easy to feel stuck there. It’s hard to imagine life without the weight of your depression and anxiety on your shoulders or whatever other stressors you might have. But, there are better things ahead, you just have to keep moving.

There were so many times in my life where I felt trapped and consumed by my mental illness. There were times where I was ready to give up and just call it quits on life. Eventually, I did get to a better place. Things aren’t perfect, but I am not where I once was. If I had just stopped because I couldn’t see things getting better, I would have missed out on so much.

5. “In the darkest of times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength.”

You have so much more strength than you know. Allow yourself to have hope, even when things seem grim. Hope is what keeps us going even when things seem like they’ll never get better. We all have the inner strength to give ourselves hope.

These are just some of the wise things that Uncle Iroh said throughout “Avatar: The Last Airbender.” If you haven’t seen the show, I recommend you go watch it!

@turningpointct.org if it were up to my depression, I’d never get out of bed #depressedtiktok #depressedtok #mentalhealth #fyp #itsahardno #absolutelynot #schittscreek ♬ original sound – Schitt’s Creek

@turningpointct.org does your anxiety make you avoid things? #mentalhealth #fyp #ourconversationsaintlong #mentalhealthtiktoks #anxiety ♬ Our Conversations Aint Long – Your Friend

@turningpointct.org when you don’t feel depressed for the first time in weeks #sensational #depression #depressed #depressedtiktok #fyp ♬ original sound – tha_boys1

@turningpointct.org asking my anxiety the real questions #anxiety #dbag #anxietysucks #mentalhealth #fyp #peersupport #mentalhealthtiktoks ♬ original sound – Watcher

Growing up, I was so scared of everything, my family used to joke that I was afraid of my own shadow. The anxiety was and still is REAL.

@turningpointct.org why yes, I am scared of everything thanks to my anxiety #anxiety #generalizedanxiety #scared #areyouscared #mentalhealth #fyp ♬ original sound – Watcher

The other night, I took my puppy out to do his business in the middle of the night and I heard rustling in the bushes. The puppy and I were so scared, we bolted into the house.

There are a lot of things, rational and irrational, that my anxiety has made me afraid of. Despite these fears, I’ve started to try and push past them to be able to live my life.

I used to be terrified of planes, but due to wanting to travel, I’ve made myself become comfortable and used to flying. I still get a bit anxious flying, but nowhere near as anxious where it is uncomfortable the whole flight.

Heights have always scared me, but I love to hike and see the views from the top of things. So, I slowly made myself comfortable with being up high on the tops of cliffs and mountains to be able to enjoy the views without panic.

Sure, anxiety makes me afraid of a lot, but I continue to try and push past these fears because I don’t want to miss out on life because I’m afraid of everything.

If you liked this episode, be sure to check out Kailey’s post The Stress of Having A New Puppy.

When I was younger, I wanted nothing more than to be an adult. Now that I am here being an adult, I have other feelings.

Being an adult comes with so many responsibilities. Paying bills, taking on debt to have the things you need, working your life away to pay for those things and to pay off debt, sometimes to still go without and be drowning in debt.

Growing up, I had expected being an adult to be expensive, and I slaved away at multiple jobs in my teens and very early 20s to try and save up and prepare for these expenses and things while I didn’t have a ridiculous amount of bills. The problem is, even though my savings were great because I was able to put thousands and thousands away, it wasn’t enough. When the time finally came where I needed to buy big ticket items and pay my monthly bills such as phone, insurance, and just feeding myself…the money dwindled really quickly. This was especially true when unexpected expenses happened, like my car having to be fixed seemingly every couple of months.

I found myself having to rely on a credit card just to ensure I was fed. When the debt began piling up, it started to give me anxiety, I decided it was best that I just not spend money on food. I decided something like feeding myself, which would keep me alive, was not as important as ensuring my bills were paid. I now understand why my parents were always so stressed out, especially because they were young parents with two young kids only a year apart.

Not only am trying to balance the financial aspects of being an adult, there’s also the part where you have to take care of the things you own. There’s keeping the house clean, keeping up with laundry, and making sure your car is regularly getting things like oil changes, brakes, tires, etc. I really don’t know how people can do it all without losing their minds. I know I am slightly losing my mind. Maybe it’s because on top of all of those things, I have 4 pets. Who knows.

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While the bill paying and upkeep of things is awful, being an adult isn’t all bad. The one thing that you do get is the freedom to do what you want. Now that I am an adult, I do a lot of things for myself that I would have never done in the past because I felt like I would have needed permission.

I’ve started traveling. Not anything big or extravagant because I can’t afford that, but I take day trips that are within driving distance because airfare is expensive and so are hotels. Plus, I can’t afford to take giant chunks of time off from work. Being a young, broke adult is trash, but I do try to make the most of it with these trips because working my life away and not doing anything for myself is no way to live.

While adulting is definitely less fun than being a kid, it’s not all bad. Nobody really tells me what to do anymore, but the consequence of that is everything is my problem now. If you feel like you can’t wait to become an adult…I promise, you can. Soak up all the moments where bills and work aren’t consuming your life.

If the stress of being an adult is becoming too much for you to handle, it is okay to reach out for help. If you’re not sure where to get help, check out our resources page.

If you’re looking to connect with others who have been through it, join our Discord server!

@turningpointct.org when you talk about your mental health but get shut down #mentalhealth #youdonothavetoworryaboutme #ouch #fyp #mentalhealthtiktoks #fypシ ♬ original sound – prettyaxme

@turningpointct.org when people try to tell me I don’t have anxiety despite the fact that I have a diagnosis #anxiety #generalizedanxietydisorder #mentalhealth #fyp ♬ Use this sound if you are gae – lottie mae

@turningpointct.org living with anxiety can be very annoying and frustrating #anxietyawareness #anxiety #anxious #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #fyp ♬ original sound – Serena

One symptom anxiety that often surprises people is forgetfulness. You can learn about how anxiety can cause forgetfulness here: How Anxiety Can Cause Forgetfulness.

@turningpointct.org did you know that anxiety can make you forgetful? I struggle to remember where I put something down 5 seconds ago. #anxiety #anxietysymptoms #fyp ♬ original sound – M (she/they)

@turningpointct.org me trying to calm myself down after I get overstimulated in public and it leads to anxiety #anxiety #mentalhealth #nobigdeal #fyp #anxious ♬ original sound – Hannah Bate

Let me just start by saying, it has been a week. Last week, I got a new puppy. I love him to death, but he is a lot of work and I need to play with him, keep an eye on him, and let him out every hour. This has made me sleep deprived and having to choose between cleaning my house, taking care of myself (eating, showering, etc), and working while the puppy naps.

I have been choosing work because I have responsibilities with work (and for those of you that don’t know, I have two jobs). As a result, not only am I sleep deprived, but I’ve also fallen into a habit of not eating or drinking. Due to my history of disordered eating, it was easy to just choose work and not nourish my body. Both of these are huge triggers for my anxiety because physically taking care of yourself plays a huge tole in mental health.

This week, I also had to choose between shoveling snow and all the other things I mentioned above. Due to how much snow we got, I had no choice but to get outside and shovel while the puppy was asleep in the crate. He couldn’t go to the bathroom if I didn’t shovel so I had to shovel my walkway and driveway in the front as well as my actual grass backyard so he can learn not to poop and pee on our patio outside of the door.

As if the snow wasn’t enough, our plumbing in our downstairs basement became shot last night. The toilet wouldn’t go down and as it was plunged, shit, yes literal shit, came up through our shower in the downstairs bathroom. Due to the excitement of the whole fiasco, which is still not fixed, the puppy wasn’t able to sleep so in my time I would have used as catch up time, I spent it keeping the puppy out of trouble while also trying to keep our cats out of the shit water in the bathroom while boyfriend was trying to work on it.

Honestly, I feel like absolute garbage. While I’ve started to get more sleep because I’ve started sleeping on the couch, it’s been broken sleep so I can let Rip out regularly from the crate. Last night while the plumbing issue was happening I was fighting to keep my eyes open, but I had no choice but to stay up to keep the puppy out of trouble.

While it HAS been a lot of work training the puppy, Rip IS crate trained and pretty much house broken, having no accidents in the house anymore (and we have had him just short of a week). He goes into his crate on his own and doesn’t scream or cry for hours on end. He does sleep through the night and makes it from midnight to 5am when my boyfriend gets up to let him out.

While things are hard right now, they will get better. They’ve already gotten better, as he is crate trained and I can do things for an hour or two at a time during the day. Now that the snow is seemingly gone, I’ll won’t have to dedicate time to shoveling us out. Although, it is supposed to snow again Friday, but it should be nothing like what we had with that blizzard dumping 2 feet on us.

Yes, I’m exhausted. Yes, I take on too much. Yes, I am stressed out to the max and it is affecting me physically. But…I keep telling myself this is temporary. Things will get better as he gets older. I’ve already seen in the last week things getting progressively better. But, right now, I am in a bit over my head.

Maybe this is some kind of lesson that I take on too much. I’ve always been like that, and while people are like stop working multiple jobs, I’m sitting here like lol I can barely afford to be alive as it is, that’s not an option, especially with everything going up in price. While things are hard, at the end of the day I do have a roof over my head, four awesome animals to keep me company, and a boyfriend who loves me.

For now, I will continue to tell myself:

“Be strong now, because things will get better. It might be stormy now, but it can’t rain forever.”

@ohbabyitskailey just some calming sounds of running water for your feed #fyp #winter #connecticut #ct #stream #nature #naturevibes ♬ original sound – Kailey

As someone who has been living with mental illness for many years, there are so many things that I just wish people could know and understand about mental health. Due to stigmas, there are still a lot of misconceptions about what people with mental illness struggle with. This makes it incredibly hard for people suffering with mental health issues because of judgement and people just not fully grasping what we go through. I understand not everyone deals with mental illness, whether personally or with a loved one, so that is why I put together this list of things I wish people knew about mental health! I’m hoping to give some people that don’t know some insight into what it is really like.

1. Just because I look okay on the outside does not mean that I am doing well mentally. Some people are really good at masking their depression. If people weren’t good at masking their depression, we wouldn’t have so many people saying “I had no idea anything was wrong” after someone dies by suicide.
2. Everyone’s experience with mental health is different. Everyone has different symptoms. For me, my depression can make it really hard to do everyday tasks, including feeding myself, because I just do not have the will. When I made a TikTok talking about how depression makes doing some things hard and how people usually just chalk it up to laziness saying mental health is just an excuse, there were a lot of mean comments saying it is laziness. Here’s the thing though, being so depressed you can’t get out of bed is a lot different than being lazy.
3. I avoid a lot of things because of my anxiety. I miss out on events and parties because of my anxiety. I’m 24 years old and I’ve never been to the Big E because being in loud, crowded places makes me anxious. I’ve had so many people try and get me to go with them, and while I feel bad turning down plans, I know not going is better than being anxious and uncomfortable the entire time I’m out. I also don’t say a lot out loud because I am afraid I’ll sound stupid or because I’m afraid of people not liking me because I have a different opinion than them. I’m even too anxious to tell most people what I would like to do because I’m afraid they won’t want to do it so my brain tells me it’s just better not to tell them and to ask what they want to do.
4. Sometimes, it becomes too much and I might unintentionally take it out on others. When I explode, it might seem like I’m an asshole, but sometimes I get overstimulated or there’s something that triggers my trauma. Like for me, any time anyone asks me ANY kind of question, I immediately get on the defensive because I grew up feeling like I had to defend myself because I was told I was always lying (even when I was telling the truth). So now, I always feel the need to defend myself, and I get really worked up, even if the person’s intention is not to attack me. It is a built in coping and defense mechanism.
5. I wish people knew that there is a gray area. Mental illness is not black and white. Yes there are a lot of bad days, but we can also have good days where we genuinely are okay. And, on the days we are okay, that does not immediately mean we are healed! 
6. Communicating my needs can be really hard. As I said, a lot of the time I am too anxious to say things out loud. Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try to explain my anxiety and depression to people, using both research and my own lived experience, people still find a way to invalidate me and say “no it’s not from mental health, you’re just lazy” or “you can’t blame your actions on your trauma” when really, trauma rewired my brain. Trauma DOES change the way you think and act. I am not just using it as an excuse and you want to know why I say that? Because I actually acknowledge it, I have done lots of therapy to try and work on things, and when I notice it happening, I am aware of it and I do try to do something about it. I promise I am not just some asshole. And while I have worked on it so much and I have gotten a lot better where it does not control my life, there are still times where it becomes too much and I cannot control it.
7. People saying they want to kill themselves is not for attention. Do you really think that is the kind of attention a depressed person wants? Take it seriously. Most of the times I did actually tell someone (which is not something a lot of people will do, myself included, because they’re afraid of getting sent to inpatient), it was because I was actively thinking of doing it and planning it in my head. A cry for help is a lot different than doing it for attention.

If you liked this post, listen to our podcast Things We Wish People Knew About Mental Health where three peers share what they wish people knew!

Last week, I became an aunt. This week, I became a dog mom to an 8 week old German Shepherd puppy! While becoming a dog mom is extremely exciting, it comes with a lot of responsibility…and stress. There’s creating a structured schedule, house training, and crate training, just to name a few. It is a lot, but even more when there is a blizzard. We happened to get him the night before Winter Storm Bobby. Due to my boyfriend being a lineman, I was pretty much on my own for the first night/day. I’ve never had a dog before, only cats, so this was extremely stressful for me.

I did all kinds of research and the breeder gave us lots of information and tips, but, I was still so nervous and worried about screwing it up. My only experience has been with adult German Shepherds who have already been house trained. My anxiety was through the roof, but I had to step up to train and take care of the pup because I didn’t have a choice but to do it on my own.

The first night, I only got 4 hours of sleep. That made the first day of training immensely hard because I honestly felt like dog poop. My anxiety was through the roof due to lack of sleep. I was being extremely hard on myself because while he was going to the bathroom outside, he was still having accidents in the house. I knew this was normal and to be expected, especially in the beginning, but that didn’t stop me from telling myself it was my fault.

Not only was I trying to train a puppy, but I was also trying to keep up with shoveling the snow outside on my own and we easily got 2 feet of snow where we are. I had to shovel the backyard consistently for our tiny puppy to be able to go to the bathroom comfortably, and I had to keep up with the driveway so my boyfriend could make it into the driveway when he got home (which, there’s no way of knowing what time that could be).

There was one point during the first day where I just completely broke down. I was crying just feeling like a complete failure and texting my boyfriend about how frustrated I was with myself. Even though he was at work, he took the time to remind me to take a break, relax, and that things will be okay. Even when he’s not here, he is still my biggest support system. By now, he knows that I can be really hard on myself, and he has had dogs his whole life so he knows how this whole process can be.

After that, I took some time to compose myself while the puppy took a nap. I reminded myself that puppies have accidents, and it’s not my fault and it’s not his fault either. He is a puppy. After he woke up from his nap, I immediately took him out and he went, I was so happy! I started taking him out as soon as he woke up and anytime he went to the door. We didn’t have anymore accidents that day! I finally felt less defeated and I’m sure he was happy to be able to go outside to relieve himself instead of having accidents.

While having a puppy is a lot of work and it can be really stressful, it is so worth it to put in the time and effort to properly train them and get them adjusted to their new home. The first month is probably the hardest as he adjusts to his new home and gets house broken. Once he gets house broken, I know it will get easier.

He is worth the stress. I mean, look at that face!

@turningpointct.org when I would like to have a productive day but my depression has other plans #mentalhealth #tiktok #mentalhealthtiktoks #dontberidiculous #fyp ♬ Dont Be Ridiculous – The Ladies of Hollywood 🎬

Have you heard of health anxiety? If not, you’ve probably heard the old term for it…hypochondriac. Hypochondriac has such a negative connotation around it, so I’m actually pretty glad that they have stopped using that term. It’s now recognized as a somatic symptom disorder and an anxiety disorder.

So back to what health anxiety is, for those of you that haven’t heard of it before. Health anxiety is the misinterpretation of normal bodily sensations as dangerous. Healthy bodies produce all sorts of physical symptoms that might be uncomfortable, painful, unexpected, and otherwise unwanted — but not dangerous.

Normal sensations in the body that can produce fear and worry include changes in heart rate, blood pressure, saliva levels, depth of breathing, balance, and muscle tone, just to name a few. These can be normal and harmless bodily changes, but when a person believes they are symptoms of some horrible disease, it causes anxiety.

People who suffer from health anxiety can be people who are always at the doctors, or people who are so afraid to find out if they have a terrible illness that they just don’t go to the doctors. I have been on both sides.

Most recently, I have been kind of convincing myself that I probably have skin cancer because I go outside all the time. I look at every spot on my body and wonder to myself if it’s skin cancer. The fear stemmed from seeing Snapchat news stories saying things like “Woman’s Acne Scar She Had For Years Was Skin Cancer” and also someone I went to high school with’s mom died of skin cancer last year.

I have been wanting to start getting a yearly skin check for years, but I have been too afraid to call. In October, I asked my primary care doctor if I needed a referral for to get a skin check, but due to having eczema and having gone to the dermatologist within the last year, I could call and schedule it myself. It is now January and I have not scheduled that appointment. I actually wanted a full skin check while I was there for my eczema, but as soon as the dermatologist was done checking my hands, she left and I didn’t even get a chance to ask if she would also do that.

At the end of December, I got sick with what I assumed was COVID. I was SO SICK. I had a horrible fever, my head was pounding, my throat was so sore, and even just hurting my eyes moved. In terms of COVID…it was mild. In fact, it never even got into my lungs, I had no congestion or cough. But, I convinced myself I was going to be one of the unfortunate people who died. I thought I was going to become another statistic. The anxiety was unreal.

A lot of my anxiety symptoms are physical. Before I understood this, it used to cause me a lot of anxiety. I would find myself on Google searching things like “shortness of breath” or “rapid heart rate” or “heart palpitations.” And of course…while sometimes anxiety would come up in Google, other times, horrible diseases would. The worst thing I could have done was run to Google, yet anytime ANYTHING feels weird, I have the urge to Google and then get lost in Web MD, which promptly tells me “you’re dying.”

I’m not going to lie, there are nights that I literally can’t fall asleep because I start thinking about things like the impending doom of skin cancer I might not even have. There are nights I am terrified that my teeth are all going to fall out of my head. I worry about my thyroid getting worse even though while it’s not optimally functioning, it has not been in the red zone ever and I’ve been regularly getting tested for years due to family history. If I’m abnormally tired, I automatically think something crazy like “cancer, I’m probably dying.” The thoughts never seem to end.

If you do happen to have health anxiety, there is help out there. The most effective treatment for health anxiety is cognitive-behavioral therapy. CBT aims to help you overcome fears by correcting irrational thoughts and changing problematic behaviors. It is possible to have anxiety and a serious medical condition, so do be sure that you’re yearly getting a physical exam so if you are ill, it can be caught early.

If you’re struggling but you’re not sure where to get help, be sure to check out our resources page.

Last week, I became a first time aunt. My brother, who is a year older than me, had his first child. I am now the auntie to my beautiful niece. She has been long awaited, as she is also the first great-grandchild for my mom’s parents. She already has everyone wrapped around her little finger.

It didn’t quite hit me until my brother was updating us as he and his girlfriend were at the hospital. I found myself feeling all kinds of emotions that I wasn’t expecting. I also had the urge to cry. Not from sadness, but in happiness and just disbelief that I am going to be a tiny human’s auntie.

It became even more real when I got the text that she had made her entrance into this world along with a picture of her. From the first picture, I was in love. Every hour, I was texting my brother “Any more pics???” because I wanted to see as much of her as possible. I didn’t want to miss anything because I couldn’t go visit in the hospital due to COVID.

When I finally got to meet her, I immediately held her and I held her for two hours while she slept in my arms. I spent most of the time just staring at her little face in complete awe. Sometimes, she’d scrunch up her face in her sleep, other times, it was completely calm. She slept for so long in my arms, her parents were shocked that she was still asleep by the second hour. It’s because she was so comfy in auntie’s arms.

I can’t wait to spoil her rotten and make her all kinds of fun things. I had started making her things before she was actually born. I also started buying her cute things before she was born as well any time I saw anything remotely cute. I am so excited to have a little bestie.

@turningpointct.org #iwanttobechill #iwanttobechillbut #anxiety #anxious #mentalhealth #mentallyill #fyp #itbelikethatsometimes #itbelikethat ♬ original sound – Maggie Winters

@turningpointct.org when someone tries to give me unsolicited advice about how to deal with my mental health #mentalhealth #anxiety #depression #mentalhealthtiktoks #fyp ♬ original sound – bethannebrice

@turningpointct.org thank you for coming to my ted talk #highfunctioninganxiety #anxiety #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #thankyouforcomingtomytedtalk #fyp ♬ original sound – erica.stubblefield9

@turningpointct.org reminder that it’s not your job to fix other people’s problems #notmycircusnotmymonkeys #notmycircus #putyourselffirst #mentalhealth #fyp #fypシ ♬ original sound – becca 🖤🏳️‍🌈✨

Growing up I spent a lot of time trying to fix other people’s problems. I thought that if I could fix problems for other people, it would make them like me and that it would also make me feel better about myself. The problem is, while I was running around making sure everyone else was taken care of, I was ignoring my own issues and my own needs.

This is your reminder that it is not your job to fix other people’s problems. It is so important to make sure you to put yourself first.

I’ve lived in New England my whole life. You’d think by now, I’d be used to the cold. You also would think that I know how to deal with the cold at 24 years old. The truth is, when it was ridiculously cold, I usually just avoided going outside because I have Raynaud’s Disease. Due to my avoidance of the outside in the winter, I never had to think about how to properly protect myself. For whatever reason this year, I have started to brave the cold because I want to experience fun winter things.

It all started last week when I took an impromptu trip to the Catskill Mountains. My friend and I were really just going to New York to go to some bakery she had read about in one of her baking books. From there, we were only 20 minutes away from the Catskill Mountains so we decided to take a drive through them on the byway and we stopped at Kaaterskill Falls. It was so cold that the 200 foot waterfall was completely frozen. When we were in the mountains, it was a mere 18 degrees. I was bundled up pretty well, but the paths were pure ice and I did not have spikes for my boots.

I didn’t feel how cold it was until I got back into my car. Once I felt how cold my face was, I began to get anxious. My heart started to race and I was on my way to having a panic attack in the mountains. I felt my chest start to tighten and I had intrusive thoughts telling me that I had somehow damaged myself by being out in below freezing temperatures. I didn’t even have anything covering my face and my anxious brain was convinced we caused permanent damage in the mere 30 minutes I was outside. I was able to calm myself down thankfully because I was the one that drove. Being anxious while driving is never a good combo, especially when you’re driving on curvy mountain roads in the winter.

A couple days after my trip to the mountain, I was on the phone with my grandfather. I call him every time I drive by a local spot to check for eagles because I always get excited when I see them. On that particular phone call, I was talking with him about my trip to the mountains and how cold it was and how cold my face got. He then mentioned how the cold can literally damage skin. After learning this fact (which is something I had obviously assumed, but never thought much about), I began to really fear the extreme cold. Over the last week while it was literally in the single digits, I opted to not leave my house in fear of somehow destroying my skin.

After this conversation with my grandfather, I recounted it to my boyfriend over dinner. He was like, yeah Kailey, it’s called frostbite. We live in New England, this is something you should have been taught. And honestly, it’s definitely likely that somewhere along the way, someone probably warned me about covering my skin in the cold, but my brain could have just shoved it away.

After the conversation with my boyfriend, I (stupidly) went to Google and typed in “frostbite” in an attempt to educate myself. While I was definitely educated, I also managed to make myself more afraid. I went on to Amazon and ordered all kinds of protective gear for the cold to protect every inch of my skin from the cold because as afraid as I am, I still really want to go outside and experience outdoor winter activities. In fact, this week I am taking a trip to Vermont’s Green Mountains with a friend, so that’s why I wanted to make sure that I am completely prepared with protective gear from the cold.

While the knowledge that the cold can damage my skin permanently gave me some pretty serious anxiety, I have chosen to try and use the knowledge to prepare myself for situations where I will be exposed to the cold. There is a certain beauty that comes with the cold winter months. As someone who loves photography, I want to be able to get out and capture that beauty. I spent years avoiding things because of my anxiety and I missed out on so much. I am trying to make up for lost time and missed experiences. So, I am choosing to face my fears in the safest way possible.

This post is a continuation of the post 12 Times Netflix Show “BoJack Horseman” Got Real About Mental Health because the show touches upon the struggles of mental health a lot.

1. Low Self-Esteem

2. The Pain of Being Born

3. You Don’t Have To Be Miserable

4. Feeling Completely Broken

5. Feeling Sad & Broken