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** TW – suicidal ideation
In about a week, I will be 25. I’m not going to lie, I never planned to make it to 25. Most of my life I spent wishing I was dead. Between being self-destructive by drinking, smoking, starving myself and literally planning to end my life, I never really planned on living a long life. I really never thought I’d make it through those dark years of my life. Yet, here I am about to turn 25.
I really couldn’t tell you what specifically changed my tune about wanting to continue living. And, I’d be lying if I told you that I don’t still have days where I really don’t want to continue on. But, for whatever reason, I am committed to trying to live my life to the fullest now.
I feel like I have reasons to live now. I have a happy home, four great animals, a beautiful niece, and I’m literally an advocate for others who are struggling much like I have my entire life. Younger me would be so proud, but also surprised.
I’m pursing my passions instead of living my life the way others expected me to. I don’t really care what others think of me. I’m not afraid to be my authentic self. I live my life for myself.
But as I said, as someone who has suffered tremendously with suicidal ideations for so many years of my life, I really never thought I’d be here. I really can’t tell you how many times I was teetering on the edge of ending my life. Making a plan, getting rid of belongings so nobody would have to do it when I was gone, deciding who would get what little money was in my bank account…it’s scary to think of how close I was to not being here.
On the days that are hard, I remind myself why I continue to keep pushing forward. I really do have so much to be grateful for. There’s also so much in the world that I have not experienced yet. While I have my fur babies, I want to have children. I want to see the world. While 25 seems so old, I’m still really young. I still have a lot of living to do.
Cheers to 25. I am thankful to have made it to a quarter-of-a-century.
TurningPointCT.org was developed by young people in Connecticut who are in recovery from mental health and substance use issues. We know what it’s like to feel alone, stressed, worried, sad, and angry. We’ve lived through the ups and downs of self-harm, drugs and alcohol, and the struggle to find help.
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