** TW – suicidal ideation

In about a week, I will be 25. I’m not going to lie, I never planned to make it to 25. Most of my life I spent wishing I was dead. Between being self-destructive by drinking, smoking, starving myself and literally planning to end my life, I never really planned on living a long life. I really never thought I’d make it through those dark years of my life. Yet, here I am about to turn 25.

I really couldn’t tell you what specifically changed my tune about wanting to continue living. And, I’d be lying if I told you that I don’t still have days where I really don’t want to continue on. But, for whatever reason, I am committed to trying to live my life to the fullest now.

I feel like I have reasons to live now. I have a happy home, four great animals, a beautiful niece, and I’m literally an advocate for others who are struggling much like I have my entire life. Younger me would be so proud, but also surprised.

I’m pursing my passions instead of living my life the way others expected me to. I don’t really care what others think of me. I’m not afraid to be my authentic self. I live my life for myself.

But as I said, as someone who has suffered tremendously with suicidal ideations for so many years of my life, I really never thought I’d be here. I really can’t tell you how many times I was teetering on the edge of ending my life. Making a plan, getting rid of belongings so nobody would have to do it when I was gone, deciding who would get what little money was in my bank account…it’s scary to think of how close I was to not being here.

On the days that are hard, I remind myself why I continue to keep pushing forward. I really do have so much to be grateful for. There’s also so much in the world that I have not experienced yet. While I have my fur babies, I want to have children. I want to see the world. While 25 seems so old, I’m still really young. I still have a lot of living to do.

Cheers to 25. I am thankful to have made it to a quarter-of-a-century.

I was born in December, two days after Christmas to be exact. I’m someone that enjoys birthdays; I love wishing people a happy birthday. I consider birthdays to be a sort of “holiday”, which would make my birthday my favorite holiday.

While I’m sure a lot of people with holiday birthdays have their gifts combined, ever since I was a kid, my mom always made sure to separate my birthday from Christmas. I would receive gifts for Christmas and two days later, gifts for my birthday – in birthday wrapping paper. And when we could, I would have parties or get-togethers for my birthday. One of my favorite parties we had was when we went to an indoor trampoline park when I was in 6th grade.

As I’ve gotten older, though, I have found it to be challenging to get friends to celebrate my birthday with me. People are more focused on spending time with their families during the Christmas/New Years season, which is completely understandable.  

Along with there being holidays, the winter weather has also played a factor. I remember one year, I invited people to celebrate my birthday with me, but on that particular day, it happened to snow pretty hard, so the get-together had to be canceled. Rescheduling was not an option as they were then busy with the holidays.

However, even when I didn’t have a party or get-together with friends, I would have my family tradition of going to a restaurant of my choosing on my birthday. Last year I chose Chipotle, and we also watched the sunset at the beach, which was nice. This year I am choosing my favorite restaurant, Three Girls Vegan Creamery in Guilford, CT.

For those of you with birthdays close to or on a holiday, how do you celebrate?

– T