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My Decision To Start Drinking Again

In the past, I wrote a post where I detailed why I chose to be sober. Recently, I’ve started to drink again in extreme moderation, like I’m talking I started with sips while with my boyfriend and I’ve worked up to maybe having a drink. But most times, it’s not even a whole drink.

I think the main reason I’m able to enjoy alcohol while out with friend’s is because my mental health isn’t in a place where I feel the need to become numb to not deal with my feelings. I have coping skills to help with that now where I don’t feel the need to use substances as a crutch.

The song Dear Alcohol sums up pretty nicely how I used to use alcohol as a crutch. Below are some lyrics, and I also embedded the song if you want to take a listen to it:

I got wasted ’cause I didn’t wanna deal with myself tonight
My thoughts get drowned until I feel alright
And I keep drinkin’ ’til I’m someone I don’t recognize
I got wasted
I got wasted ’cause I didn’t wanna deal with myself tonight
My thoughts get drowned until I feel alright
I keep drinkin’ ’til I’m someone I don’t recognize
I got wasted

It’s nice to be able to sip and have a drink here and there for the taste while out to a dinner with friends or even during a relaxing night at home with my boyfriend. I don’t want to drink to feel the effects because frankly, I don’t like the effects that alcohol gives me because I get anxiety when I get past a light buzz. As soon as I feel like I might not be in control of myself, I get anxious so I rarely drink enough to feel anything past a slight buzz.

But I think the important thing to me is that I’m in a place where I truly don’t feel like I need to numb myself anytime I feel negative emotions. I’m not reaching for alcohol when I’m feeling upset. I’m drinking while enjoying spending time with close friends, and it’s really just to taste fun drinks.

This might feel like a step backward to some, but to me it speaks volumes that I have a better grip on my mental health. I’m proud of myself for getting to this point.

-Kailey