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Healing from past trauma isn’t easy. And it sure ain’t easy breaking your own trauma instilled cycles either. Leaving my past domestic violent/toxic relationship has shown me a lot. Not only that, my relationship with my current partner has helped me see the dynamics of all of my relationships. Specifically with my current/past friends and family members.
I never thought that I was actually going to be in a relationship where things are mutual and reciprical. Let alone, experience such deep emotion towards someone during a first kiss. I haven’t, EVER, experienced such magnetic/powerful connection with someone like this before.
And to be completely honest, I didn’t know what to do with this new dynamic and healthy relationship at first. I wanted to run. All because I was afraid of my traumatized self. My partner’s vulnerability and loving heart allowed me to see that they were actually different from my past partners; who only verbally told me they were different rather than show me.
Experiencing such a wonderful and beautifully hearted person, I knew I would’ve DEEPLY regretted running away. So I stayed; I already loved the person that was right in front of me. And not out of obligation.
I took it slow. And now, I’m slowly getting out of survival mode.
I’ve never been so grounded or so rooted in reality. I’m no longer making excuses for people in my life on how shitty they treat(ed) me. (In other words, I’m not being delusional.) And I’m no longer coping with people’s maltreatment through my imagination. Nor dismissing maltreatment by someone’s artificial kindness.
My current evolving relationship has helped me accept how shitty my family, working environment is, and what I don’t like about my current and past friendship/family dynamics.
Accepting reality doesn’t mean that I allow.
I now hold people accountable more than ever. And, now I see how unreciprical my relationships with other people are. (Which I often reflect.)
For so long, people wanted/went to me when they needed me or wanted something from me. But never considered how they only actively played the ‘taker’ in my life. And I allowed it.
Recently, I realized whenever I went to people, they weren’t as genuine as I was with them. Often, such interaction resulted in them needing something from me.
Reflecting on this, I’ve realized how my family members weren’t genuinely invested in my life. They either wanted low vibrational validation or material/internal gain. It really bothered me at first. But I accepted the reality of it to minimize the allowance of such dynamic.
Hence why I kept my distance from family ever since I was introduced to them. And even cut off some members (well a lot).
Experiencing a healthy balanced dynamic with my partner has allowed me to stop the continuation of unbalanced dynamics around me. It has helped me dive deeper in my healing journey.
I had to allow myself face my traumatized self in order to get here.
Having different experiences helped me understand what was best for me by paying attention to how and why it made me feel a certain way. My experiences has helped validate how I felt about each person in my life.
Ending this off, hard decisions should be based on fact and self-respect, NOT upon cognitive dissonance, ignorance and dysregulation. It’s important to consider your own contribution to a situation and to be willing to improve yourself. Seeing yourself will help set healthy boundaries with family, friends, partners, etc. It’s important!
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