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Feeling A Bit Lost

It has been a busy month. I’ve been actively searching for jobs, which has taken a lot out of me. I’ve been looking for a new job because what I make right now at my current job just isn’t enough. I’m working full-time, but living paycheck to paycheck.

In my free time, I’ve been pursing photography a bit more seriously than I have before. I’ve been working on really being intentional about my compositions. To do this, I’ve been visiting parks that I’ve frequented many times and just really taking in things I’ve never noticed before. I’ve also gotten back into wildlife photography.

Some recent photos and videos on my photography Instagram. I’ve started dabbling in video of wildlife, which you can see in the grid as well.

It’s honestly been pretty awesome and it’s been a nice break from the chaos. But, doing this outside of my regular full-time job, around job searches/interviews, and around my regular responsibilities as an adult has been draining. And to be honest, I’ve been staying up so late editing pictures when I get home that I haven’t been getting as much sleep as I should. I’ve been trying to combat that by staying super local even though I want to go further.

Photography has always been something I’ve been interested in. It’s something that makes me feel good and it’s a good way for me to express myself. I love exploring with my camera and capturing whatever catches my attention. I wish I could do it all day everyday, but I can’t.

The reality is I work a full-time job, and yet, I can’t really afford to live. So, I’m actively searching for a new job. As I’m looking for a job, I find myself just applying for things I’m not super passionate about. I like my job now where I get to read all day, but it’s not sustainable because of the pay. I guess I worry that I’m making decisions about my career just because I’m poor. But, what choice do I have? I can’t keep living paycheck to paycheck.

On social media, you see so many people who just quit their jobs and pursue their passions. I want to do that, but like, how? I literally have zero savings. My bills are paid on time, but that’s because I work and all of my money goes towards those bills, and unfortunately my debt until the end of next year. I’d love to take the leap to do something that I’m passionate about, but I can’t.

I feel trapped in the rat race. While I know the 9-5 is normalized as the smart and safe route, I just don’t align with it. I don’t think we as humans are designed to sit at a desk all day and work our lives away. What kind of life is that?

It’s not that I don’t like to work. I just don’t love working on things that don’t spark something inside me just because I need the money. I also don’t love that many full-time, stable jobs don’t have the flexibility I want.

Additionally, I don’t like having to work eight hours straight. I’d do better breaking my hours up throughout the day. Work for a bit, have the ability to get outside and move my body, then come back refreshed and ready to work again. Sometimes during the work day I get so anxious that I feel physically sick. The anxiety comes from feeling trapped at my desk. I only get two ten-minute breaks and a thirty minute lunch break, which always feels rushed because I’m such a slow eater. Because of this, I spend my lunch super anxious since I feel like I have to rush to eat.

So, what is the answer? Unfortunately, I don’t know. I’d love to build something for myself, but I don’t have the energy to build something up while juggling regular life with a full-time job. I barely sleep as it is.

This is totally not how I pictured my life would be at 27. But, here we are. I guess I’m just taking it day by day now. As much as I hate to say it, making money would probably help because most of my stress right now stems from lack of money. Money is so tight that sometimes I literally feel like I can’t leave the house because I can’t spare the money for gas.

While I do feel kind of hopeless, I would be doing a lot worse if I didn’t have such awesome people in my life. And unfortunately, I know a lot of people who are also struggling right now. They’re people who are also working full-time. It’s rough out here, but we have each other to lean on (and thankfully, we have memes too, like the one below).

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A post shared by Anthony Pertusiello (@anthonypertt)


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