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For those of you that don’t know, I have a history of substance use. It was never really a heavy thing, and it didn’t last long, but it did happen.
Lately, I’ve been having a lot of feelings of hopelessness, anxiety, and depression. It’s been so bad, I’ve been wanting to turn to substances again. I haven’t really drank alcohol since I became legal to drink, except for a couple sips here and there when someone asked if I wanted to try something.
I chose to stop drinking before age 21 because I was using alcohol to numb myself and self-medicate. I knew if I kept drinking, I was going to go down a pretty bad road. Yet, here I am at 25 wanting nothing more than to drink to just become numb. It’s not something I want to do for social reasons. It’s something I want to do alone in my house.
While I’ve been having these cravings for weeks, I haven’t acted on them. There have been times where the thoughts of stopping at the package store for some wine, or stopping at the gas station for a pack of cigarettes have crossed my mind. The anxiety of going down the route of numbing myself like I used to has been enough to keep me from buying these pretty easily accessible things.
There’s also the aspect of this not being the time to pick up a habit to numb myself. One of the other reasons I had stopped drinking was because I did not want to spend the money on alcohol. In this economy, I can’t afford to go buy alcohol to numb myself.
So instead of turning to the bottle, I’ve been trying to fill my cup. I’ve been trying to get out in nature. I’ve been trying to move and nourish my body. I’ve been spending time with loved ones. I’ve been trying to find the little joys in life and I’ve been trying to enjoy them.
Times are hard. I’m just trying to take things day by day.
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