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I struggle to write about my own feelings sometimes. I guess the reality of it is that I don’t want to admit that I am not okay, or that I may not be as strong as I come off. Last night I thought about how maybe writing a blog would help me get through some of the pain I was feeling. I finally fell asleep after keeping my thoughts running for hours.
I grew up watching my dad abuse my mother, and sometimes us as well. But what really stands out to me is that watching this for so long makes me realize that I need to break a pattern that I allow. I always told myself I’d never allow someone to hurt me- physically but really emotionally and mentally. In my younger 20’s, I was in the same type of relationship that I feared for so long. It took me 3 years to wake up, literally pack my car and move two stated away to start new.
I built my life so high. I relate my life to a building, each floor with different life lessons. But I keep going up, and up and up. I am the most independent woman you’ll meet when it comes to finical, apartments, careers, choices etc. But emotionally, for some reason I still need that validation. Most likely because I never had it as a child and then getting into foster care I wouldn’t even allow someone to get close to me.
I am writing this today because after all the work I’ve put in to be “okay”, I find myself not okay today. I keep justifying it in my head that it’s not a big deal. I keep making excuses for the other person, I keep wiping away the tears after I get a text or a phone call and saying it’s fine now. Deep inside I know it’s not, I know that I need to just let go.
I feel like I am always going to compare relationships, friendships etc. to the bad one. I wish that wasn’t the case but it keeps happening. I have to keep remembering it’s okay for me to not be alright. I am always the strong one, and I need to be alright with not always being strong.
I was listening to a song as I wrote this and this quote: “So don’t wipe your eyes, Tears remind you you’re alive” really stuck to me.
This is where I am at today. Writing has really helped.
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