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I struggle to write about my own feelings sometimes. I guess the reality of it is that I don’t want to admit that I am not okay, or that I may not be as strong as I come off. Last night I thought about how maybe writing a blog would help me get through some of the pain I was feeling. I finally fell asleep after keeping my thoughts running for hours.
I grew up watching my dad abuse my mother, and sometimes us as well. But what really stands out to me is that watching this for so long makes me realize that I need to break a pattern that I allow. I always told myself I’d never allow someone to hurt me- physically but really emotionally and mentally. In my younger 20’s, I was in the same type of relationship that I feared for so long. It took me 3 years to wake up, literally pack my car and move two stated away to start new.
I built my life so high. I relate my life to a building, each floor with different life lessons. But I keep going up, and up and up. I am the most independent woman you’ll meet when it comes to finical, apartments, careers, choices etc. But emotionally, for some reason I still need that validation. Most likely because I never had it as a child and then getting into foster care I wouldn’t even allow someone to get close to me.
I am writing this today because after all the work I’ve put in to be “okay”, I find myself not okay today. I keep justifying it in my head that it’s not a big deal. I keep making excuses for the other person, I keep wiping away the tears after I get a text or a phone call and saying it’s fine now. Deep inside I know it’s not, I know that I need to just let go.
I feel like I am always going to compare relationships, friendships etc. to the bad one. I wish that wasn’t the case but it keeps happening. I have to keep remembering it’s okay for me to not be alright. I am always the strong one, and I need to be alright with not always being strong.
I was listening to a song as I wrote this and this quote: “So don’t wipe your eyes, Tears remind you you’re alive” really stuck to me.
This is where I am at today. Writing has really helped.
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Hi Torry, I’m sorry you’re going through this but I’m glad writing helped.
When people we love and want to trust let us down so badly, it hurts so much. It’s human nature to take it personally even if it really reflects the other person’s issues. It’s just so awful and unbelievable when it’s your parent or significnat other or good friend who hurts you. It’s normal to hope things will get better, to think past or present relationships can be repaired if you just keep trying, and it’s a horrible feeling when you start to question whether you have to let go of a relationship, maybe forever, to protect yourself and be healthy. I’m so sorry for the pain in your past and for the struggles you’re going through right now. You are being strong by acknowledging how tough it all is. You’re being strong in your weakness just by you acknowledging how painful it is and recognizing that you’re not ok right now and that you still want validation (just like everybody!). But you will be ok. You know the patterns and you know how to avoid them, and you have friends and supporters who love you and are there for you. I hope for random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty to come your way today to help.
Hi Torry, I’m sorry you’re going through this but I’m glad writing helped.
When people we love and want to trust let us down so badly, it hurts so much. It’s human nature to take it personally even if it really reflects the other person’s issues. It’s just so awful and unbelievable when it’s your parent or significnat other or good friend who hurts you. It’s normal to hope things will get better, to think past or present relationships can be repaired if you just keep trying, and it’s a horrible feeling when you start to question whether you have to let go of a relationship, maybe forever, to protect yourself and be healthy. I’m so sorry for the pain in your past and for the struggles you’re going through right now. You are being strong by acknowledging how tough it all is. You’re being strong in your weakness just by you acknowledging how painful it is and recognizing that you’re not ok right now and that you still want validation (just like everybody!). But you will be ok. You know the patterns and you know how to avoid them, and you have friends and supporters who love you and are there for you. I hope for random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty to come your way today to help.
The title of your subject really stuck out to me and caught my attention. I understand what you are saying. Sometimes the hurt that we feel is so overwhelming that we can not explain or really express what we feel even though we know that we are hurting.
I have felt this way before. I found this movie about a baby elephant that is so cute and loving and it lifted my spirits. I love baby elephants. You can see in the movie how that baby elephant is happy and when I watch this movie it make me smile. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bTd5h84Onc
Thanks everyone!
Love this video, thank you so much for sharing!