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My name is Julianna, and this is my first time ever using this website. I suppose this domain is used to open up, and tell people about what is going on in your head that made me feel the need to join this website. Believe me – I’m not a sharer. I’m known to be to myself and shove all of these awful thoughts and feelings I have into my head, and try very hard to make sure they are shown. But allow me to be cheesy and insert a line from an amazing book and film known as “The Fault in our Stars”. the famous line reads, “THAT’S THE THING ABOUT PAIN. IT DEMANDS TO BE FELT.” I’ve learned over the past years of suffering from mental illnesses that this quote is very true. No matter how hard I try to seem perfect, I’m an emotional roller-coaster that seems to only go downhill.
Let me start of by saying how my issues started. I believe I started having social anxiety ever since I was little because of my parent’s divorce – but it became very noticeable once I was a freshman in high school. I remember being in a crowded room at a church camp one summer – being extremely overwhelmed. Long story short, and giant room full of loud kids that I didn’t know caused me to have a panic attack and I ran out of the building. How humiliating, I know. After that my social anxiety became much more noticeable in my daily life. I became scared of being in any crowds, I couldn’t be in places where I didn’t know anyone, and I became much more distant when it came to meeting new people. I still struggle with social anxiety – and my best friend is one of the most extroverted people you’ll ever meet. So whenever I do decide to open up and tell him that I’m struggling – he doesn’t understand and thinks I’m just overreacting.
Also – I struggle with anorexia & body dysmorphia. This all started when I began high school. I was best friends with the prettiest girl as our school who also happened to have the most perfect body. I remember specifically being at a football game with her at my school and everyone walking up to her saying how beautiful she was and then them looking at me saying “I like your hair.” I don’t know about you but that seems like quite the slap in the face. I was also having to deal with social media and seeing all of these beautiful people that I idolized and wanted to be. And to me – not eating seemed like the quickest solution. I went from being 120 pounds (which isn’t overweight by any means) to a whopping 78 pounds in one year. As a freshman in high school – being 78 pounds is insanely uncommon. I was judged by everyone – people saying I looked sick or like a walking corpse. People would look at me and just hand me food saying I needed to “fatten up” but in my head I was thinking I needed to lose 10 more pounds because I couldn’t wrap my fingers around my bicep. I’ve gotten better with my eating after medication – but I still struggle with body dysmorphia. I will look in the mirror and believe I weigh 500 pounds when in reality I’m 90. Every now and then I won’t be eating at all in a day – but I’ve been able to get myself to eat at least once a day. Which is major improvement.
I also struggle with “depression” I put that in quotes because I’ve never been diagnosed but I have all symptoms. I suffer from great sadness about my life and who I am as a person. I most days feel worthless, and I feel as if I’m a waste of space. I don’t feel joyful or excited about many things. I spend my days locked in my room – feeling alone and unwanted. I surround myself with awful thoughts and sad music and watch sad movies and read sad quotes. I tell myself constantly how ugly, untalented, pointless, and sad my entire existence is. It’s as blunt and harsh as that.
There’s a little insight of my mind – and what I deal will day to day. If you read all of this – you’re a trooper.
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