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For the past eight months, I felt like I was trapped. I wasn’t confined to a single space or sole environment, no, but everything I did revolved around the fear and control that another human being had over my life. Something that early on I saw red flags about but refused to let go of in fear that I would never be good enough for someone else, or doubting myself, often thinking maybe he was right, maybe I am too sensitive. What if there is something wrong with me? The excuses kept piling up, the reasons and lame explanations as to why I would have to work all day and still have to come home to cook, clean, etc. without any financial support. To aid a grown ass man, who was clearly capable of working and providing and helping out but rather sit around all day getting high.
Too frequently I would find myself having to send pictures of where I was as proof that I wasn’t with another man, when in fact I never was. For most of the instances I was at work events, or on the bus, in others I was with friends. To be put at such a level of control had me living in a feeling of utter humiliation.
For a while I had to distance myself away from my parents because I chose him over them, knowing that he had some serious issues and my parents only wanted what was best for me. During arguments and mishaps that would leave me wanting and trying to end my life, he would later go back to throw it in my face. You have a disease. You are never going to get over it. I only do drugs because your “disease” gives me too much anxiety. I’m the best thing you’ve ever had. You can’t compare me to those other guys you’ve been with. AT LEAST I give you something.
After trusting him enough to inform him of my past traumas, he often chose to throw those in my face as well. “I know how to get you, I just have to go to such and such place and get such and such person to help me. You know, the guy that raped you?”
I am now free from him, out of his control, out of whatever you want to call the past 8 months. I wished I could have found a way to have been strong enough to pull myself away from him way before this, but I am still so glad that I eventually did do so. Now to build and rise from this, coming out stronger in the end.
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