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UGH, Anniversaries

This week was the one year anniversary of my most recent sexual assault. Over the course of this past year, I’ve felt many emotions, faced many battles, and somehow, I can sit here writing this at this very moment in time. I feel like I have overcome so much, but somehow at times I feel like I am stuck within this circle of endless thought patterns that doesn’t seem to go away. I know I am strong, I know that I have been in hellish situations and I am still here, I guess this week has just frustrated me more than I expected because I don’t like feeling things. Besides being angry, there is no other true feeling that I guess I am comfortable expressing. To be seen to others as vulnerable, to show the world that you are a human being who can be easily molded and manipulated based upon what effects others have on your life… I don’t like letting others know they have that type of control over me. But they do. I secretly struggle so much to just allow myself to enjoy the little things just because I can! Because I deserve to! I am constantly worrying about the next devastating thing that is going to come walking through the door, although I know I am okay. That’s not the living on the edge that I want. I know that I am capable, I just have to get out of this frame of mind somehow because if not I can already feel myself spiraling down a path I no longer want to be on, but that is so familiar to me I sometimes go down out of force of habit. Here’s to one day after the next, and being able to embrace change slowly but surely. 

2 Replies to “UGH, Anniversaries”

  1. Allikat says:

    Hey Luz,
    I totally know the feeling that you’re going through! When anniversaries of trauma come up for me, I’m definitely more anxious or “on-edge” that day, or sometimes even that week! Ugh! I try to get through it by changing my perspective the best I can. Like for example, I had an anniversary of entering prison recently and it got me really tense and anxious. I started to change my perspective and look at the testimony that came out of that hard time. I reflect on how that day was for me and what my life was like at that time and compare it to how I am now… WHAT A DIFFERENCE!!! I focus on the positive: i’m sober, i’m healthy, i’m not in handcuffs, i’m free, and i’m much happier and stronger! I focus on that and every time my anxiety or just the negative voice in my head tries to tell me different, I fight back with remembering that I’m not there anymore!!

    Keep fighting the good fight and focus on the strength and courage you have now!!! Proud of you!!!

  2. Michael says:

    Hey Luz,

    Thank you for sharing what you are going through. I am very proud of how far you have come. I know we don’t always get to see each other often, but I have seen a lot of growth in you, and it shows. You have been through a lot and have overcome so much. I appreciate your honesty as you are working through a lot of things.


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