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This week was the one year anniversary of my most recent sexual assault. Over the course of this past year, I’ve felt many emotions, faced many battles, and somehow, I can sit here writing this at this very moment in time. I feel like I have overcome so much, but somehow at times I feel like I am stuck within this circle of endless thought patterns that doesn’t seem to go away. I know I am strong, I know that I have been in hellish situations and I am still here, I guess this week has just frustrated me more than I expected because I don’t like feeling things. Besides being angry, there is no other true feeling that I guess I am comfortable expressing. To be seen to others as vulnerable, to show the world that you are a human being who can be easily molded and manipulated based upon what effects others have on your life… I don’t like letting others know they have that type of control over me. But they do. I secretly struggle so much to just allow myself to enjoy the little things just because I can! Because I deserve to! I am constantly worrying about the next devastating thing that is going to come walking through the door, although I know I am okay. That’s not the living on the edge that I want. I know that I am capable, I just have to get out of this frame of mind somehow because if not I can already feel myself spiraling down a path I no longer want to be on, but that is so familiar to me I sometimes go down out of force of habit. Here’s to one day after the next, and being able to embrace change slowly but surely.
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