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I’m becoming everthing I hate

Manipulative, sadistic, histrionic, unstable, emotionally masochistic, slightly abusive, the list goes on. All things I absolutely DESPISE in another human being, yet it appears I come off this way to the people I’m closest to. I’ve even been told I play the victim, although I don’t agree with this one at all. It seems I always hurt the people I’m closest to. This is why I keep my distance. I don’t mean to hurt them, but I always do. And it really makes me hate myself. Yet at the same time, I cant bring myself to feel anything. I’d like to blame it on the lack of meds, but I don’t even know anymore. I guess I’m just a fucked up person.

5 Replies to “I’m becoming everthing I hate”

  1. VRuiz says:

    I wouldn’t call yourself an effed up person..we all have our ways and maybe the people that you’re around just do not know how to communicate to you so they struggle with connecting and understanding you. I know that I dont mean to hurt people sometimes, but it does happen and its a part of life. distancing yourself can probably make things worse, I know it does for me.. b/c it’s just me running away from things and not learning to deal with it. What works best for me, is talking things out and trying to understand how people react to the things I say and do, so that I am more careful in what I put out. You def can’t listen to what people think of you and let it define you… all you can really do is consider it and work on things only if you feel you need to.

    When people tell me about myself and tell me Im this and that, I just think about it and see how I could have done things differently. People are always quick to point fingers. Don’t hate yourself for what others dont understand!

  2. Sam B. says:

    You know that thing you hear the you are your own worst enemy? It’s so true. I have been there, feeling not good enough based on what others think of you. And more than that feeling like this designated f–k up, a lost cause. But thru time, which consisted of many ups and downs, I’m seeing that maybe they aren’t true. The more I learned to love myself the easier it got to be to love other people. I never intentionally hurt anyone but when it did happen I would internalize it to the max.

    There is this common theme. It all begins in my head. When I’m depressed I get this distorted view of the world and myself. And in those moments I just want to sit in that misery I have to remember that I have a choice to help myself. Your feelings are real and valid! You just gotta find the power to work to push through the negativity and try your best to find those little things you like about yourself.

  3. RaiC says:

    Both of those replies were dope. I really agree with both and couldn’t have said it better myself. We’ve def all been there at one point with other people and trying to balance what others say about us with who we think and know we are. It’s hard as hell but it’s a process. I think it’s more about understanding yourself and seeing things from all perspectives, so that way.. you can better manage the relationships you have with everyone. I know for sure I am my own worst enemy and toughest competitor so the things that people view me as, doesn’t really affect me too much. Everyone else doesn’t matter as much as I do, ya know. I try not to internalize what everyone has to say and I take things with a grain of salt…. those are opinions and sometimes, opinions were never asked for.

  4. Dan says:

    I’m basing this post on the assumption that what Amily is going through is similar to what me, and many individuals – free thinkers and social outsiders – have also gone through. If it is not, I am sorry for assuming.

    I’ve noticed that people who possess the qualities that come to my mind that I don’t like are attributes of people or groups who made me feel like a terrible person at least once in my life. If you really despise those traits, and you don’t feel them when you are not with the people you are close to, then it might be the way you and your friends interact that cause you to feel that way. But this doesn’t mean that you come across this way to everyone.

    I noticed you said “come off” so I’m assuming even if you hate yourself for embodying those characteristics, you do not see them as a part of you. I’ve felt the same way when I’ve hung out with certain people. There are groups that I have been a part of that really bring out the worst of me. In these groups everyone is a misfit, and that’s the basis for the friendship, and genuine caring in the group.

    But, these groups often set themselves up to hurt each other. Because everyone felt they were a reject, all societal boundaries were rejected, and everything and everyone was torn down ruthlessly. We even targeted other people in the group, nothing was sacred. But everyone has feelings and soft spots, so when you hit one, the person gets really hurt and you feel terrible, even though they act the same way and would not hang out with you if you didn’t act that way too. Basically, it sets everyone up in the group to despise themselves, and everyone ends up doing so, feeding into the cynicism and anger and continuing the cycle.

  5. Amily says:

    I really enjoyed all the replies.

    Dan, I agree. Different people bring out different sides of you. Often times, people will project what they see in themselves unto others, thus treating them only as far as they can understand their own selves. Of the traits I listed, I don’t really see them in me, although I suppose the potential is there, depending on the company I’m keeping.

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