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I’ve been told time and time again by outside sources that the more I let the tension within me build up, the greater the explosion. I do not understand if it has had to do with where the source of information is coming from or not, but I can’t seem to get that message through. I had a big blow up at one of the worse places a person could ever blow up, and I’ve regretted it since literally 10 seconds after walking out of the door. I understand that everything I mentioned within that blow up was based on my feelings of rage about completely irrelevant things, and that my anger had been building up over the course of a long time and I have now been letting it out in the wrong ways. Is it and excuse? Not at all. Simply because I know why I did it does not excuse my behavior because people were hurt by my actions. It’s like if you kill someone and then say well they reminded me of me step father who used to beat me when they hadn’t even put their hands on you. The reasoning may be valid but the excuse is not.
Moving forward, I now comprehend what it is that has been keeping me suppressed, confined, under tension and has been preventing me from moving forward for so long. Many, many negative things have happened over the past 2 years or so and I have kept stuffing and stuffing and stuffing them down. The jack in the box simply has to pop out one day. Knowing now what is in front of me and how bad I know things can get, I know these are things I can no longer put aside and save for later. I have to take care of me before I try to continue taking care of other people because it’s going to continue getting ugly if I refuse to get help. Anyways, thanks for listening/reading.
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