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All the little things

I’ve set up a defense against my mental health problems that is as thorough as humanly possible. I was supposed to be in and out of hospitals for the rest of my life, but my life is comparable to my peers without mental health problems. But little things still get through and mess up my life more regularly than is acceptable. Just over Christmas I was feeling good, I had just got over the lack of sleep from my Grandfathers funeral the week before. I have problems when I’m away from home waaaay more often than when I’m at home. So I was being really careful to make sure I took my meds, ate enough food, kept my stress at a minimum and I did all those things perfectly. In the end it was the sleeping that killed me again, and I was being really careful about it. I opted to sleep in the same room as my uncle instead of with my baby nephew and that was a mistake. The baby slept soundly, my uncle snored so loudly and erratically, that when I moved to sleep on the couch downstairs I could still clearly hear him. The next morning when I woke up, I was sleep deprived and very angry that this was the thing that messed me up. And a week later I am just getting over it again. This is so frustrating because I’m trying to get another part time job. The only jobs I can accept have high levels of flexibility and those don’t come along very often. I’m also trying to make a friendship with a very close, very attractive, longtime friend, more than a friendship and It would be much more difficult to do either of those if I keep having random mood and fatigue. It’s frustrating as hell. I catch 99% of the issues before they harmed me but there’s always that 1% that endangers anything important I am trying do. And of course I will learn from this episode like I always do, but there is always something that can sneak past my defenses and ruin everything. I know I’m always getting better identifying problems I haven’t seen before they hurt , but right now, I just hate that I still can’t avoid everything I don’t know will hurt me.

3 Replies to “All the little things”

  1. Valerie says:

    Hey Dan!
    I understand what you’re going through. I’ve had many times where I think I have deflected anything that could trigger me, so I am calm and settled, but then all of a sudden I am set off by something and it’s difficult to bring me back down.
    It sounds like you have much more under control than you give yourself credit for. No one can predict and/or protect everything that will set them off; even Superman had kryptonite.

    I guess what you learned from this experience is how to cope with the next time you have to sleep at your uncle’s (ear plugs? haha). But in all seriousness, it’s a learning process and the fact you have been able to maintain your mood and identify what triggers you is phenomenal.

  2. Michael says:

    Hi Dan,

    Thanks so much for sharing. It seems like you have made a lot of progress, which is great! I totally understand the frustration of getting triggered. What helps me is to remember that I am only human, and it is nearly impossible to avoid every possible situation that could head my way.

    I think you are doing great considering you have so much on your plate! Keep up the great self care ~ Michael

  3. RaiC says:

    R.I.P to your grandfather! I know how stressful that can be. I also struggle with sleeping and it really irks me. It changes my mood and the way I interact with people every now and again but I’m learning to deal with it. Your struggle though is all a part of the process and you def have the right attitude about it all Dan. You are on top of things and you have a plan, so at this point, what works for me, is just letting things you can’t avoid, happen. You have and are continuing to do everything that you can to prevent the episodes, so try not to stress out about the smallest of things that you really can’t control too much. None of us are perfect and things do happen. It’s more about how we manage those things when they do happen and how we pick ourselves back up and refocus on the bigger goal/plan. I think you’re doing an awesome job considering all that you are dealing with.

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