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I’ve set up a defense against my mental health problems that is as thorough as humanly possible. I was supposed to be in and out of hospitals for the rest of my life, but my life is comparable to my peers without mental health problems. But little things still get through and mess up my life more regularly than is acceptable. Just over Christmas I was feeling good, I had just got over the lack of sleep from my Grandfathers funeral the week before. I have problems when I’m away from home waaaay more often than when I’m at home. So I was being really careful to make sure I took my meds, ate enough food, kept my stress at a minimum and I did all those things perfectly. In the end it was the sleeping that killed me again, and I was being really careful about it. I opted to sleep in the same room as my uncle instead of with my baby nephew and that was a mistake. The baby slept soundly, my uncle snored so loudly and erratically, that when I moved to sleep on the couch downstairs I could still clearly hear him. The next morning when I woke up, I was sleep deprived and very angry that this was the thing that messed me up. And a week later I am just getting over it again. This is so frustrating because I’m trying to get another part time job. The only jobs I can accept have high levels of flexibility and those don’t come along very often. I’m also trying to make a friendship with a very close, very attractive, longtime friend, more than a friendship and It would be much more difficult to do either of those if I keep having random mood and fatigue. It’s frustrating as hell. I catch 99% of the issues before they harmed me but there’s always that 1% that endangers anything important I am trying do. And of course I will learn from this episode like I always do, but there is always something that can sneak past my defenses and ruin everything. I know I’m always getting better identifying problems I haven’t seen before they hurt , but right now, I just hate that I still can’t avoid everything I don’t know will hurt me.
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