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I’m going to be honest, I’ve been having a really hard time with my mental health lately. If I had to guess, a lot of it has to do with the fact that I started a new job. I’ve previously talked about how I kind of feel like I’m stuck in the rat race of life. While my mental health at my old job was definitely less than ideal due to not being paid a livable wage, I genuinely enjoyed what I was doing. I spent all day listening to audiobooks and getting paid. The other bonus: it was mostly remote (4 days at home, one day in the office during the week).
While I make significantly more now, I find that my mental health is suffering for other reasons. Not only has it been a huge adjustment due to switching to a completely different type of company, but the material I’m reading is much less fun. And, up until recently, I was in the office 5 days a week. Thankfully, I’m now able to work at home two days a week. But, that only helps so much. Oh, and I should also mention that while I do make a lot more, I’m now in a new tax bracket and it doesn’t really feel like I make that much more. I still feel very poor.
I’ve been dealing with a lot of anxiety, which is not unusual for me, but it has definitely been heightened. I’ve pretty much just been in survival mode. It sounds really dramatic, but let’s be honest, the anxious brain can be VERY dramatic. I also have not been sleeping well and I once woke up at 6:30am on weekend panicked that I slept through my alarm and missed work. The lack of sleep is definitely not helping my mental health.
On top of anxiety, I’ve also been dealing with depression, which is honestly something that I have not dealt with in quite some time. I’ve just been feeling so defeated and hopeless. Honestly, I’ve been so down that I totally forgot that I have a super exciting vacation to Canada coming up. It’s also been bad enough that I haven’t really been leaving the house or even keeping up with my typical schedule for tidying up the house.
I think what’s worse is the fact that I’m beating myself up for feeling this way because I know I SHOULD feel really thankful that I was able to get a new job that pays me well, has great benefits, has super nice people, and that’s actually close to home. But, I just honestly feel so unfulfilled. If I had it my way, I’d find my way back into the mental health field in some way, but I just haven’t seen any opportunities to get back in. I’ve thought about going back to audiobooks, but I just know financially, it’s not the right move. However, I will probably freelance for my old job in the future. I really do miss having set aside time to read books, and getting paid for it wasn’t so bad either.
The ONLY positive (and I use this term very lightly) outcome of these negative emotions being heightened is the fact that my sense of humor has gotten a lot darker than it already was. I’ve definitely been turning to absolutely unhinged memes during my doom scrolls. They only get shared to my close friends as to not worry my family LOL. Although, it’s concerning overall that there are so many to choose from and that they all have so many likes and shares. It really gives a good, but sad, insight into just how poorly many of us are doing.
The first month of this mental health decline was pretty rough. However, a couple weeks ago, I finally pushed myself to leave the house for something other than work or the grocery store (even if it was a bit of a struggle). I decided I really wanted to go on a day trip a couple hours from home. I used to day trip ALL THE TIME, but I didn’t have the confidence to go as far as I would have in the past.
After hours of searching on Google Maps, and getting so overwhelmed that I almost chose to just stay home, I decided to go to the northwest corner of Connecticut and then briefly over the border into New York. The trip was just what I needed to prove to myself that I am capable of going out on my own to explore just like I used to.
Since then, I’ve gotten myself back into the day trips. I’ve gone to Rhode Island, Massachusetts, and lots of trips to the Quiet Corner of Connecticut (current obsession). There are still a lot of days where I question whether I’m up for the trips, but I give myself the little push because I know once I go and do the things, I’ll be super happy that I did. I’ve actually been doing a lot of Walktober Events from the Last Green Valley and that’s something I would not have done in the past. I always prefer to go do things by myself away from people, but I’ve decided that I really want to experience these things.
While my mental health has absolutely been less than ideal, I’m hoping with time, it will continue to improve. I’m also really hoping that the fact that it’s now Fall will help a bit. Fall is my favorite season and I also really like the holidays that come after it. Lastly, I’m trying to remind myself that this season of life that I’m in is not forever…even if I feel like I’m trapped and drowning in the moment.
-Kailey
TurningPointCT.org was developed by young people in Connecticut who are in recovery from mental health and substance use issues. We know what it’s like to feel alone, stressed, worried, sad, and angry. We’ve lived through the ups and downs of self-harm, drugs and alcohol, and the struggle to find help.
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