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I can’t really put my finger on it. I always felt like I was sad. As I grew up, it became harder and harder to push it aside. My brother had a drug and alcohol problem that caused him to almost die twice; the cops were constantly at my house. My parents argued all the time. I never caught a break. It really spiraled out of control the summer before my Freshman year of High School. I locked myself in my room and barely ever came out. I didn’t have any motivation. That’s when I first started to severely self-harm because I was angry at my family and I couldn’t express my feelings properly. I felt like I had a big chunk of my childhood ripped away from me. It didn’t feel fair. I wanted to try to kill myself. I couldn’t stand breathing. I just hated existing.
I met with the social worker at my High School regularly throughout my Freshman year. She really helped me through a lot, as well as brought me together with some amazing girls who knew exactly how I felt. We were a group that met every week. I didn’t tell them very much, but I always listened. They knew how I felt. I didn’t feel as alone, and that made me very emotional. I had to physically stop myself from crying each session we met.
I moved away from that High School and that group which really set me off. I didn’t show up to my new school at all which caused my grades to plummet and I fell way behind. This, however, is when my parents decided that it was time to focus on me instead of my brother, who, by court order, was drug tested every week which really set his behavior straight. We saw a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with some new medications. We also brought in two amazing ladies from a program called Intensive In-Home Services (IICAPS) who try their hardest to improve my family dynamic as well as my mental health.
I still meet with IICAPS, and am working very hard to improve my grades and myself. There are days when I have slips, but I feel way better then I did. I no longer self-harm, and I go to school regularly which is a really big thing for me.
Please do not keep quiet. Speak to your family, your school counselor, anyone you trust. If you feel at all the way I did, your issues need to be addressed. It could save your life.
I met with the social worker at my High School regularly throughout my Freshman year. She really helped me through a lot, as well as brought me together with some amazing girls who knew exactly how I felt.
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