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I’m curious as to if anyone has felt this way. and what their thought processes have been around the subject.
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I’m fearful that I hold myself back… so sometimes I am afraid of myself. I try to go through why I hold myself back sometimes and then figure out what I can do to move forward and get the best results.
I’ve brought this up once before I think here or elsewhere but I fear my mind; it is beautiful and filled with so many things many people wouldn’t begin to understand, it is in constant motion, but as such, it’s also terrifying in what I hear. What I see. The delusion that the lines between reality and reality are so grey that perhaps maybe, just maybe, I don’t have my entire being set in stone, but somewhere far away. Always. And whether this is because I’ve become too acquainted with what ills me, what scares me in the evening and creeps in the corners and shadows, I do not know. But I do know, that I’ve learned to stand with these things and not against them. Because the more I’ve fought against the things and illusions my mind creates, the worse it gets in time. The worse I get.
TLDR; yes I am afraid. I am always afraid.
But I live in a state of knowing that I can be at peace with it.
Faljak,
I identify so much with what you’ve said. I dont even know where to begin but as I was reading it touched me so much and in a such a way I just had to respond.
I was wondering if maybe you could shed some light on how you learned to stand with them and not against them. It makes sense and I can feel myself doing the same but haven’t identified and particular techniques or specifics. It seems mostly to be time. I hoped that maybe since you seem to be good at putting these things into words, youd be able to elaborate a little on it. Or any of it really, I want to hear more from you if you dont mind!
But to address the OP, yes. Since I’m my own worst enemy i fear myself and my mind all the time. The worst part is, my mind knows it and hides things from me and lies to me. For me it’s important to remember that even though I can be my own worst enemy, I’m also my biggest asset. I dont mean to say that I’m all I need, but rather that I need to be on my side and look out for me. I’ve also been practicing not judging myself for my thoughts. My brain spits out all kinds of stuff. Some makes sense, some doesn’t. Some is nice and pretty, some is dark and ugly. I used to judge myself and get mad and condemn myself for all of the thoughts that I judged as ugly or wrong. Now I try to remember that flow of output from my brain isnt me. It’s part of the whole but not me. Once I stopped thinking of me as a sum of all that chatter and all those thoughts(good and bad), it was easier to take a step back in my mind and see that I’m something else. I can watch and observe those thoughts and urges so then they must not be me. I can listen to them and pick the ones that help, that uplift, that reveal truth. The rest I can watch float by without letting my mind grab at them. I’m still working on it. Still sometimes I’ll see a “bad” thought and I’ll feel guilty about it and my mind latches on to it and it grows but then (hopefully sooner than later) I remember that I’m not my thoughts and all I have to do is take that step back and let the thought pass through. That doesn’t mean it won’t come right back but I can let that one go even sooner than the last. I can keep letting go, over and over, sometimes many times a second. It’s this way that I learn to live with myself and not against myself or in fear of myself.
KJ,
I’m glad you’ve found resonance in what I’ve said! It’s a small and simple thing but it makes me happy to know that someone feels the same way. Reading over your general reply, I honestly don’t think I can give you any more advice or insight than you’ve given yourself: You’ve noticed that you’re in your own corner going ten constant rounds with your brain and body each day, you’ve noticed that you’re not your thoughts and you have the ultimate choice to pass judgement on yourself and them, you’ve recognized that while they’ve got power, they’re no stronger than you let them be.
I can tell you that personally, as I’ve mentioned, that the more I let my mind work me into knots the worse these knots would get and the more time it would take for either myself or someone else to come and help untangle me from a situation or scenario I very well could’ve stopped. Our minds are intrinsic to the self, and not a one is the same. I’m naturally a creative body, so constantly I think in ways that paint things in what doctors would write off as “delusion” but to me? It’s my truth. My reality is the impossible and imaginary. Does that mean I’ve lost track of reality? Most definitely. I forget sometimes who/what/when/where but that does not mean I’m any less than someone else who’s more present or consistent.
My mind is a dark, gnarled presence and I know this to be fact. While I tremble at what I hear, what I see through the haze and lens others can’t, I know that fear is a dangerous catalyst that will do no better for me than listening to the hallucinations. I’ve learned that rather than shutting out the faceless masks and rolling eyes and drooling mouths, maybe if I accepted them… Talked to them… I could feel less afraid and safer in their presence. And let me tell you, while this may seem even more incriminating, it worked. Mostly. Some days are worse and some are easier. I feel guilty, yes. I feel idiotic, yes. I feel insane, yes. But if it means I can feel safe in my own body and self, then I see no reason to stop. I know very well the feeling of having an overactive mind and having to sit back and say to myself, “Stop, relax.” And this occasionally works depending on how quickly my mind is reacting to that thing on the shelf I swore just moved, or the visions in the clouds, or the ideations I will never have solace from.
But again, there’s the dynamic – I believe – of control. Maybe not over your MIND, but over how you react to them, what you do in tandem to them. You have a choice to listen, to block them out, or to accept your reality and plainly stand within it like the power it is (should be). Although I can assure you, most days it feels like an instability, a loop and hungering, and not a superpower.