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In the last few days, I have made several attempts to sit down and write my post for this week. On every occasion, I have deleted every word I’ve written. It just wasn’t good enough.
And then I sat down today, and wondered why I am so hard on myself.
Thoughts of self-doubt swirl through my head as I am writing.
My Anxiety and my Depression pick at my brain- filling it with thoughts like:
I am never good enough for myself.
But today, I am thinking about the little girl I used to be. I am thinking of the ten-year-old-me who desperately needed someone to believe in her. Not someone. She desperately needed to believe in herself. Now, (almost) 14 years later, I can see bits of her looking back at me when I look at myself.
When I have these days where I don’t feel like I’m good enough, or I’m just being so hard on myself, I imagine what she would think if she met me now.
I like to think she would think I am admirable. She would think I am a force to be reckoned with. She would want to talk about my tattoos- her eyes would tear up as I told her “expecto patronum” was for her. I think she’d be impressed by the amount of schooling I’ve completed. She’d think it was crazy (but totally amazing) that I never gave up on her dream. She’d ask if I was still dancing. I’d be proud to tell her she is getting her 20th Year Award this May.
I would want to brush the hair out of her face. I would tell her she is strong, and no one should ever convince her otherwise. I’d hug her, and tell her that the world isn’t always going to be so cold to her. I would sing to her, and dance with her, and laugh with her. She should know she isn’t as alone as she thinks she is. I want to tell her that she should embrace all of her puzzle pieces, because they make her Olivia. Those pieces make her who she is, and they’ve grown and evolved and developed in incredible ways she could never have imagined.
TurningPointCT.org was developed by young people in Connecticut who are in recovery from mental health and substance use issues. We know what it’s like to feel alone, stressed, worried, sad, and angry. We’ve lived through the ups and downs of self-harm, drugs and alcohol, and the struggle to find help.
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Olivia, I love you and I love this. If I could meet 10-year old Olivia I would want to hug her and tell her what an amazing woman she will be, thats shes kind, resilient, and very very powerful. I love the idea of talking to our inner child. It’s so important to show ourselves kindness and forgive ourselves. But like everything, its way easier said than done. One of my favorite books is called Affirmations for the Inner Child. It’s by Rokelle Lerner and just so great. some mornings I open it up and read the first one I see. Thank you for reminding me to do this more often. I LOVE and MISS you!
Olivia
This is a great post. I would love to meet my past self and tell him that he has a bright future waiting for him. I would also tell him to not worry about what any one else thinks of you. Just do the best you can in life and be yourself. You are very smart and have a great heart.
Keep up the good work Olivia. You are an amazing person.
Eliza, I love YOU and miss YOU so much. Thank you for being so kind to me always. If I could meet 10 year old Eliza, I’d hug her and tell her what a wonderful mother she is going to be- and how much I admire her.
Carl- thanks so much for your kind words! You should continue to believe in yourself every single day! You are doing great things for this world. You should be proud of yourself.