Media Room

Body Image Issues Are Weird.

Recently I’ve been having a lot of issues when it comes to my body image. This is nothing new for me. I’ve talked a little bit about struggling with this in my blog post Getting Real About My Eating Disorder Recovery. It’s been over two years since I’ve written that post, but it’s still something that I struggle with.

I think one of the things that seems to nag me the most is the fact that my body is constantly evolving and it looks nothing like it did years ago. What’s interesting is that years ago I thought I was overweight. But, I’ve never been overweight, not even now. Yet, I am aware that I’m not as thin as I used to be AND aware of the fact that it’s a part of getting older. It’s normal and honestly, I’m at a healthier weight than I have been in years past.

Despite knowing all of this, I still find myself really hating my body. I feel super gross and I want to hide myself and my body. But then I’ll see pictures of myself and be actually shocked by how thin I look. Body image is weird like that.

In all honesty, I’ve been extremely stressed out for the last month and a half. I’ve been doing my best to try and eat because I know that’s something bodies need, but I’ve been so stressed out that I haven’t been as good about it as I should be. In other words, I’m not eating three meals a day. Due to this, I think I actually have unintentionally lost weight and just not really noticed. But, my clothes are all a bit big right now so I guess that’s evidence enough.

Honestly, I probably have body dysmorphia. There have been a lot of times where I haven’t wanted photos taken of me because I hate the way I look. I don’t want my body captured for anyone to look at. I spend a lot of time trying to hide my body in oversized clothes. When I shop for clothes, I literally will think to myself “I’m too fat for that.” I’m constantly comparing myself to others and having thoughts of how I can potentially make myself look like these people I’m comparing myself to. It can be mentally exhausting.

They say recovery isn’t linear and that it’s a life long journey. This is definitely one of those things that applies to. I have a lot of bad days, but there are definitely good days sprinkled in there. It definitely is worse when I’m already stressed out to the max.

I’m definitely working on it. I hate getting in front of the camera, but I push myself to do it. Honestly, I do it to prove to myself there’s nothing wrong with me and because I don’t want to end up with no pictures of myself to look back on just because I hate how I look. I really don’t take pictures of myself like I used to. It’s really sad that it’s due to just hating how I look. I don’t want to regret not taking pictures of myself. I experience so many things through traveling and I want to be able to look back at pictures of those memories.

-Kailey