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4 Years

Last week was my 4 year anniversary with my boyfriend. I never thought I’d ever find someone who loves me unconditionally. I never thought it was in the cards for me because of all of my mental health issues. Before this relationship, I had convinced myself that nobody would ever love me. I thought everyone would just leave me because of my issues. I was so afraid of being abandoned that I didn’t want to give my heart to anyone again. I was afraid they would leave me just like everyone else. My boyfriend has shown me that I am enough and I am worthy of love.

I never thought I’d be someone who would find someone that I could be myself with. I had always felt like I needed to hide bits and pieces of myself. I was afraid if I shared too much, I would push people away. When I first met my boyfriend, I had this immediate connection with him. We met for the first time on the roof of the Summer Garage at Mohegan Sun. We got Krispy Kreme doughnuts and headed off to Napatree Point in Watch Hill, Rhode Island. He was so easy to be around and talking to him was effortless.

From day one were inseparable. I wasn’t looking for love when I met him. In fact, before I met him, I was ready to be alone forever because I had closed myself off to being vulnerable. While we were inseparable from the start, I wasn’t immediately ready to consider more than just friendship. But, we were spending every free moment we had together. We were seeing each other multiple times a day between our jobs and my intensive out-patient program (IOP). We were going out and adventuring everyday, multiple times a day. It didn’t take long for him to manage to take down the wall I had built around myself. Within two weeks of meeting him, we were dating.

Now, here we are, four years later and still going strong. Things aren’t always easy, but he is my best friend. People always expect sunshines and rainbows in relationships, but with life and outside stressors, conflicts are inevitable. Relationships take a lot of work and compromise. But, it’s all worth it. Today, we have a house and three cats. I love the life we have built together. We have really grown together through these past four years. He has been my biggest supporter and I try to be the same for him. It doesn’t matter what new hobby I want to try, he always backs me up with whatever it is I want to pursue. I really am so lucky.

I have someone who knows my whole story and still loves me. The spark hasn’t died out. Honestly, when I met him, he saved me from myself. Before him, I drowned myself in work. I was working three jobs when I met him and I was afraid to be with anyone. I am glad he helped me break out of that cycle. I’m glad he accepts me, mental illness and all.

Don’t ever think that you’re unlovable because of your mental illness. You might have had people in the past who didn’t understand you or who didn’t try to understand, but I promise you, there are people out there who would be more than happy to be with you. You are more than your mental illnesses and your mental illnesses do not make you unlovable. The right person is out there. You will find someone who loves you unconditionally, flaws and all.

Don’t be afraid to love again. Not everyone is like your ex.

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