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Friday, March 16, 2018
Life is weird. It’s horrible and wonderful and fun and scary and exciting and sad. All of that is loosely wrapped into a pattern of wrapping paper that you don’t chose, that doesn’t change the contents it holds or matter much, but is what many people will judge us based upon, without looking inside. Then we throw in feelings; lots of feelings. Thoughts, too- which are different from feelings, but maybe they are exactly the same. I’m not sure. There are also experiences, both good and bad. Whether we perceive them as positive or negative, they happen, and they change us. And they help us and they hurt us: and supposedly we have control over that, but I’m not always quite sure of that. Then there’s time. We can’t control it, have little understanding of it, and are unaware of how much we have. And time changes and it changes us- constantly. It’s like this river that can grow into an ocean or shrink into a puddle suddenly and without clear cause. And finally there’s uncertainty; lots of that.
We are thrown into life holding these packages that grow and grow, or maybe they stay the same for a long time, or maybe they shrink; we don’t know, or at least I don’t, and usually we don’t even know or understand what’s inside of them. Then we are sounded by millions of other people and their packages and their feelings and confusion. And we are constantly bumping into them or holding their hands or pushing them away. That’s mostly what life is made of. I think.
Sometimes I think my anxiety or my depression or whatever it is: something in me that I don’t like, but should probably try to make friends with, forces me to try to define things. So constantly, I am attempting to place reason upon the unreasonable. This futile attempt to define many small things, alongside the one big thing- life- is not good for me. I mean, maybe it’s not all that bad. Sometimes I come to a reasonable understanding of something. Or maybe it gives me a unique lens to look at life through. But I think more often than not, it either causes me to romanticize that which is unhealthy or sad or negative; or it causes my mind to run in circles, chasing its own tail, desperately attempting to catch something that will never reach my fingertips.
But I am not all bad, and neither is life, or the people in it, or the packages glued to our palms. And today is a beautiful day, and spring is coming which fills me with happiness and hope. Recently, I got a new camera, and that means I can be creative again, which I used to be able to do constantly. And Willow and I had a beautiful night and morning today. I cannot wait to bring her for a ride on her new tricycle-thingy. And I’m happy and content, and the sun is pulling the sorrow from my skin and replacing it with hope. Right now I am happy, for the most part, and today is a good day. And all I can ever ask is to be good enough, and anything after that is extra. Someone I love told me that, and I like to hold onto things which make me think of people I love, and I like to think of life in lose but concrete ways, if that makes sense. Because even though everything is always changing and always will, right now it is how it is and that is ok.
Oh my goodness I love your metaphor: wrapping paper you didn’t choose. That perfectly describes how I have been feeling lately. In fact, this entire post is exactly how I have been feeling lately. Things are changing. I’m not 100% comfortable with change, but I am getting better.
I am proud to know you- proud to be friends with a woman so insightful. I love you!
This is so beautiful. I love everything you said, and I am so happy I got the chance to read this today. Thanks for sharing! And, Willow is beautiful <3
OMG I love the pictures!! Especially the first one haha
I’m starting to adapt better with change. I feel like change is so uncomfortable, yet so exciting at the same time. Like, you know it’s about to be an experience, but at the same time your emotions and thoughts are all over the place trying to discourage and defeat.
I’m excited to see your journey with your new camera! I remember you talking about getting one, so I’m glad that you did and I can’t wait to see all of the pictures — and hear about the places and people that are in them!
The thing that sucks about anxiety is that you’re constantly having that question, “am I good enough?” SO FRUSTRATING! Because for me, even when I know I was good enough and put my best effort for that moment/day, my addiction and mental health disorders like to creep up and fill me with doubt.
But we conquer and we push through, slowly and sometimes quickly! YES!
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