I am evolving. I am trying to find my balance.
I am learning how to be myself and how to love myself.
My personality is made of these puzzle pieces that I have developed over time. Some are rounded and fit perfectly together. Some are jagged and I can’t find room for them.
The piece I struggle with the most is the bit of me that’s obsessive.
How many times do I have to turn my car around to make sure I turned the stove off? Why do I have a need for constant reassurance? Why can’t I just turn my spiraling thoughts off for one moment of peace?
I can’t help it.
That is my security blanket. I can’t help it.
I was born this way.
I was born to worry about the entire world.
Sometimes I lose count of how many times I think the same thought.
I am so black and white. I am nothing in between. Summer or winter. Day or night. Screaming or silence.
I find my joy in surrounding myself with things I love.
Every time I add a new piece to my Harry Potter collection, my soul sits easy.
I listen to songs 34 times in one sitting.
I watch the same movie over and over again.
I eat the same breakfast, drink the same tea, order the same order.
I keep things in very specific places so I don’t lose them.
The magnets on my refrigerator are never out of place.
My life is a plethora of routines. That is where I find my comfort.
I am surrounded by things I love and care about.
Every so often that routine is disturbed. My world gets flipped. Sometimes when this happens, I feel like I am drowning. But other times, other very very rare times, my routine is interrupted by something or someone so wonderful that I forget to put my hairbrush back where it belongs.
When that happens, I take a deep breath and remind myself that sometimes life is better on the fly.
Not always. My routines are generally in place to keep me sane. But sometimes, that one tiny interruption changes me for the better.
So be patient with me. Reassure my brain that you aren’t mad at me. Let me show you I care about you in the only way I know how- by constantly telling you how much you mean to me. And also by memorizing your favorite drink from Dunkin’ Donuts so I can buy it for you once a week. I am learning how to tone down my obsessive behavior. It is not easy. It is something I struggle with every moment.
Be patient with the people in your world who balancé their struggles in a different way. Be kind to every person you meet. Some of us are battling an entire world inside our own heads.
I LOVE this post Olivia. You really have a way of relating to people, and I feel like I really just got a peek into your head 🙂 I know sometimes your brain can be a hurtful place- but you are not the only one who has to find some shelter from their thoughts and I think you are doing an amazing job (from what I see :)) I’m so happy I get to work with you and can’t wait to get to know you more and read more of your amazing writing <3
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TurningPointCT.org was developed by young people in Connecticut who are in recovery from mental health and substance use issues. We know what it’s like to feel alone, stressed, worried, sad, and angry. We’ve lived through the ups and downs of self-harm, drugs and alcohol, and the struggle to find help.
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