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I feel stuck in depression and anxiety and I dont know when I will get out. My parents were abusive and they kept telling me that I’m a failure and that no one will never love me and that I’m disgustinf. At the same time they discouraged and prevented me from making friends because they said that you cant trust anyone except family. My upbringing was very family centric and I miss my grandmother’s love because she raised me when I was very little. They all don’t want anything to do with me now though. I feel like there’s a hole that came out of those relationships that I cant fill. I have stuffed animals that have unique personalities and that I talk to everyday because thats the main way that I cope. Nothing else comes close to that. I still carry those very negative feelings about myself and they permeate into everything that I do. I’m afraid of going outside and having people look at me and it takes me 10-30 minutes for me to try to leave my house but my anxiety keeps getting to me. It usually ends up with me not leaving my apartment. The thing is, I have a full time job thats very people centric. I feel like i have to do my best to show everyone that I can be great and strong and match their cheer and happiness but its a slog for me. I always keep thinking that my life will start to pick up at some point and ill be able to do things without hesitations, and that I’ll be able to have and maintain meaningful relationships. But the time never comes, not matter how many years I’m in intensive therapy and keep working on myself. I just want to live my life but I’ve spent over a decade in deep depression and I keep seeing my years fly by thinking that soon, someday, things will change. But I dont know how to cope with this. What do I do? What do I need to do? I feel like there’s no solution to this. I dont want to do anything that will hurt myself but I’m afraid that I might go to that path again. Can someone just tell me its going to be okay?
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It WILL be okay, your life will never be easy breezy, and neither will mine, but think of all of the situations you never thought you’d make it out of. You’re still here today aren’t you? Unfortunately, there’s a time for us mentally ill where we all look for someone to help us, to pull us out of the hole, and the longer we search the more we pull ourselves out of that hole without realizing it until we’re staring back down from the outside. You’re strong. You’re resilliant. If you’ve made it this far you can make it 10 times farther. You came to the right place, you took initiative, you reached out, you WANT it, and so you WILL make it out of that hole sooner or later, so long as you keep fighting
And remember, if you’re ever in a pinch, or you feel like you’re losing it or need immediate help, you can ALWAYS check out our “Resources” section for various websites, phone numbers, hotlines, and screenings to help you out. If all else fails, dial 2-1-1 on your phone if you’re feeling suicidal, they’re super helpful and understanding and will make sure to work around your situation.
Hey Elefante 🙂
It is going to be ok. and I mean that. I’m so sorry that you are going through this.. it sounds so exhausting. I can totally relate to a lot that you said.. the hole that you’re feeling– I have that too.. because of my biological father. In high school and middle school I really struggled with it and thought that the hole would never be filled. I can relate to anxiety too because I’m someone who’s also living with anxiety.. sometimes it takes me almost an HOUR to leave my house.. even if I’m excited for what I have planned that day! A few years ago, I was finally able to fill that void that my father had caused by filling it with my faith. I found a love that I can’t even describe that I know is always consistent, unlike everything else in my life. I def have hard days and times where I think, ‘why is this happening? will I ever be ok?’ … rest assured, everything ends up ok and most of the time, I come out stronger than I ever have. But it certainly doesn’t feel like that in the moments of hardship ya know?
Not sure where you’re at, but if you’re in CT, there are so many really cool support groups around the state. There’s this one group that I go to called SMART Recovery and it helps me with literally anything I’m struggling with. It’s cool because it has other people my age and they get what I’m going through ya know? I’m a little guarded, so I hesitate when it comes to making friends, but its nice and pretty comforting when I hear someone else say that they understand..
If you want the link to where these groups are, I put them on the map that this site has:
https://map.turningpointct.org/?t=4b6db193dc&posttype=listing&mkey%5B%5D=all&custom_cat=&s=smart+recovery&t=4b6db193dc&relation=OR
Also, sometimes when I’m having a hard time and don’t wanna leave my house, I’ll call this number that’s called the Warmline and they are sooo friendly and they will literally just listen to me vent and they always validate my feelings which I find really helpful. you can call the number here: 1-855-6-467-3669 (to help you remember it better: 1-855-6HOPENOW)
Stay strong and remember that this will pass. I’m here for ya <3
"God is near to those that are of a broken heart; and saves such of a sorrowful spirit." Psalms 34:18
Hi Elefante. I hope today you may be feeling a little better. And if not, know you will feel differently than you are. And it wont take months or years. I know when we are in ‘pits’ the end can seem invisible. Just know its there, although perhaps too dark to see right now. I’ve definitely been there, and coming from a toxic family can leave deep wounds that we struggle to heal from. You are not alone, and as much as you may subconsciously tell yourself that you’re in the alone, it’s far from the truth. It’s so easy to forget how strong you are, and to disregard the many times you’ve made it through situations that were big enough to knock you down. Just remember, “I may not be where I want to be, but thank god I’m not where I used to be”. And know, always, that there are people who will be there for you.