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***TRIGGER WARNING***
3 years ago this past week, I experienced one of the hardest things in my life. I was involved in a violent family situation that I would never wish upon anyone, a situation that until this day has impacted me. I can remember that day like it was yesterday, the ambulance being outside, and me walking in on a bloody crime scene to discover the almost lifeless body of a loved one, not knowing all the lies, deceit and pain that would come after that fateful day.
3 years ago this past week, my brother stabbed my aunt. There were reasons behind it, there were things that shouldn’t have been done, there were things that shouldn’t have happened, there were ways this could’ve been prevented. I still struggle with the aftermath of this event as well as others but I feel as though this one gets me more often then others because within my heart and soul I knew something bad was going to happen. I knew things were simply getting out of control, and there wasn’t anything really anyone could do about it. I remember that about a week before this whole thing happened, I walked into the police department and pleaded with the officers to help me, because I knew what my brother was like and I knew that his drinking was already getting out of hand and that things were only getting worse. Nothing happened.
Nevertheless, I don’t think I really blame anyone but the 2 people involved, my aunt and my brother. I feel as though it’s something I am never going to be able to forget about because it’s been 3 years and I still have nightmares, can still smell the scene, can still feel like I’m physically there, walking in, witnessing everything, being scared that he might come after me and my dad next because he was on the run for a few days afterwards. The intense fear that was within my being was overwhelming, but I am glad I was able to make it through.
3 years later, although I still struggle every time this date comes around, I find I am getting to be a stronger person as each year rolls by. I know how to tolerate these feelings. I know I will struggle. I know I will be overwhelmingly sad, I will cry, I will feel very intense emotions and not know what to do with myself. Nevertheless, on days like this, I will still show up and do what I need to get done because I didn’t give up 3 years ago and I won’t do so now either.
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Luz, I applaud your bravery for being able to share this with us here at TurningPointCT. I truly believe that as each year passes, you will continue to grow stronger and will continue to put good into this world.
Please allow yourself to feel the emotions. You deserve to know that your emotions are valid, and no one can take that from you. It is okay to be overwhelmingly sad. It is okay to cry. It is okay to not know what to do with yourself. But it is so important, and so SO amazing that you still push yourself to LIVE and to get done what you need to get done.
Please know you are not alone. Please know you always have a safe space here to vent and to talk about the things that you need to.
Keep going out in this world and doing what you are meant to do. <3
Hey Luz,
I totally agree with Olivia; you are so brave for sharing that! So what do you find helpful for you when you’re feeling these emotions? I can’t imagine how that experience was for you and it sounds like a lot of emotions to be hitting you all at once, on top of your daily feelings.
I can definitely relate to still having nightmares, being able to still smell the scent that the scene was. When the symptoms of my PTSD flare up, I find that prayer, grounding exercises, writing, and reading are very helpful for me and prevent me from using or harming myself.