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The Release of My Anger

Because it’s Halloween, I thought I would share something completely terrifying with you: the story of an emotionally abusive relationship. But have no fear- this terrifying story has a happy ending, because I am all about the happily ever afters.

I was 20 when I met you. I’d lived 20 years thinking I wasn’t good enough for myself, let alone another person. The toxic relationship I had been in for a year had just ended and you pushed your way into my life. I didn’t ask you to do that. You did that on your own. You captured me with your sad stories and your “understanding” of my sickness.

It was nice for a while. You were nice for a while.

And then I started feeling sick every time you got mad at me. Which seemed to be every day. Everything I did was wrong. You didn’t like the music I listened to, the shows I watched, the things that brought me joy.

You had roped me into a situation I felt like I was stuck in- because I didn’t want to add to your abandonment issues. How unfair. You couldn’t lift yourself up, so you had to bring everyone around you down, too. And unfortunately, I was the collateral damage in your situation. I think you would have done it to anyone, but I was the sucker that you emotionally abused for two years.

I’m sad for you.

You didn’t have it in your heart to love me the way you should have. You were more focused on discounting my struggles and my mental illness because no one’s mental illness could possibly have been as bad as yours. No one had it any worse than you. At least that’s how you acted.

But I’m writing to you now because I want you to know that I forgive you. I forgive you for making me feel useless, worthless, and unloved. I didn’t have enough love for myself at that point- how did I expect someone else’s love to fill that void? I forgive you, and I hope you find peace. I hope you are happy. 

I shouldn’t have set my expectations so high. But I am finally past that part in my life. I am finally at a point where I can forgive you for how you made me feel. I can forgive you for the words you said to me that echo in my soul every time I feel badly about myself.

I am where I am because I spent the last three years proving you wrong. I spent the last three years loving myself as much as I could because you couldn’t love me in the time that we were together. I needed love to recover from that- and I was the only one who could have provided that kind of love.

So from the bottom of my heart:

thank you for not loving me like I should have been loved. I had to do that on my own. And finally, I did it.

What I want you, my reader and friend, to take away from this is that YOU are worth it. You are worth being happy. You are strong- strong enough to forgive and move on. Love all of the bits of yourself because you are truly beautiful. Love the puzzle pieces that you are made up of. I hope you find that strength that is buried so deep within you. And if you need help finding it, just call me.