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Shit got intense this week, and I…blah blahh, here I go again saying “I.” My this, I that, ewww I hate talking about myself. Like, it’s so fuckin self absorbed. What about YOU? I want to help others and I feel like all I do is talk about myself. In order to help others I have to talk about myself and share this crap we call “my story.” Dude, this shit is not a story; it’s my fuckin LIFE. Ya know, life is kinda precious. Why ought it be reduced to a mere story. It’s a story that never ends. Nothing in this world ever lasts, yet the story goes on.
See, that’s the thing- nothing lasts.
…
so what’s the fucking point.
I could say a lot but, like, I’m just not gonna speak. What’s the point? So I can connect with someone? Just so they can leave…if I don’t leave first?
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WHY did my mom leave me? Did she even leave me? Or did they take her away from me? Is she even alive? Is there any point to search for answers? What’s the point? Say she is alive and I meet her. It’s not gonna last any way..
Hey girl. So whats been goin on? I know it’s weird and sometimes may seem “selfish” to talk about yourself, but I honestly try to see it as “self care” instead. I’m glad you came on here to vent! I, myself have been wanting to vent about stuff going on too. I get in that same mind frame you are in a lot. People leave and things end, so why start it ya know? But then I try to think of things that DO last, even if it’s just simply a memory. And then when I don’t get into something, I end up regretting it cuz I sit there and wonder “what would have happened?”. SO CONFUSING!!
If you feel comfortable to open up and wanna keep venting.. FEEL FREE! Vent!! It can be SO healthy because it releases so much built up crap. I’ve learned that when I keep suppressing things, it only builds and builds and I end up forming resentments towards people (mostly innocent ppl) and just being in an overall bad mood.
I’m here to listen to you. Sometimes all we need is a listening ear and someone to say, “everything is going to be ok” even when we can’t possibly see it or imagine it.
Allison, I’m rereading my posts thinking how outrageously emotional I was! Somehow, some way, my mind reverted back…back to not allowing my self to be weak, not allowing my self to ask for help. And all it did was build up a shit ton of potential energy just waiting to explode. And shit it did. Guess it’s just another opportunity to learn about myself. It’s getting more and more obvious that, when in autopilot, I really do intellectualize things and suppress emotions.
As everything exploded, I could no longer organize my thoughts. I have no idea where the mom stuff came from. I mean…I’m adopted…so I do know, but then again it was random. Even that though, may have been me denying my emotions by using the adoption as a cover/mask. Logically, it makes sense to have upset confusing feelings around, but emotionally, I’m unsure if that was reallyyy what was bothering me…
Still figuring it out.