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Meeting myself….the last thing I ever wanted to do. I am the person I have been trying to get away from my entire life. Forever, I have lived and believed all negative about myself. Anything less – worthless, helpless, hopeless….I could go on and on. I felt undeserving of the love I so desperately wanted to fix me. Shame and guilt could have put me in the ground and I don’t say that lightly. Today, while I still feel those negative feelings, I challenge them. I challenge my thinking and When I am in a place where I cannot challenge, I have others in my life to help.
I want to know more about myself and shame and guilt and self hatred and trauma have all crippled my emotional and spiritual growth. I know a lot of what I don’t like, but not much of what I do like.
To be continued…
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Courtney,
What a powerful post. You being aware of your thoughts and your feelings is HUGE. I can tell you have been through a lot, and some of this may be new to you. I know you have a lot of people that can support you, both here and at Toivo.
I just want to let you know that this is a journey, and an unfolding process. It will take time, so don’t worry if things take a while. I’m really happy to hear you are challenging the ‘lies” in your life.
We all see a very strong young woman who can do whatever she wants to in life. See you around! 🙂
Society: Be yourself.
Society: No, not like that!
I’ve been waiting so long to find myself again. I lost myself when I started University and had to become a people-pleaser. I wish I kept myself, who knows where I’d be.
Oh, I can so relate to this. It makes me think of a couple quotes that have crossed my path in the last few years.
“If someone else treated me the way I treat myself I’d have to kill them.”
And then two others that are very similar yet so different.
“No one scares me as much as I scare myself.”
and
“I don’t hate any other human being as much as I hate myself.”
If I started to treat myself the way I treated everyone else… Well, I’d be a lot better of. I know now logically that I don’t deserve the way I treat myself. It’s just what I’ve learned and what I’m used to.
I’m slowly opening up to meeting myself and learning more about who i really am under all the trauma and the hurt and the walls. It’s been an interesting journey.
Good luck, Courtney. I hope you really get to meet yourself. I’m having the pleasure of meeting you and I really like the person I’m getting to know.