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At the very least, a part of being ‘out’ is giving people very sensitive information about yourself that they can use in whatever way they want.
Being ‘out’ implies vulnerability but that’s not the end and be-all. What makes you vulnerable could be your strength, and I have grasped the idea that this is something that you have to nurture over time – as you learn and grow.
Since being out, as naive as this might sound, one of the hardest things that I have had to acknowledge is that not everyone will accept me for who I am. “Why not?” … The rainbow socks that I wear under my pants are been frowned upon by someone sitting next to me on a train. It instills a feeling that smothers my heart, tightens my lungs and diffuses emotions of anxiety and fear throughout my body.
It serves no justice that I have to feel guilty or wrong because of who I am. And I do feel at times that I may have betrayed myself by not embracing my truth or standing up to my demon.
There is that perfect place that I want to get to, where ‘normal’ is within the realm of being gay, being OK with it and not caring too much about what others think.
But until then, I am still sorting out this very sensitive aspect of my life everyday… ‘euphemism for a kind of misery that is still true about society and being LGBT’.
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There’s no remedy or even anything that I can really say to change the way you feel and to be honest, that’s the part that is the hardest for me to accept. I wish I had an answer… or had a plan but there isn’t one. The hate for someone expressing their sexuality is so complex to me… I just cant understand why anyone would care so much about another person’s preference or lifestyle. People make it too much about themselves and forget that it’s never their place to judge or to perpetuate their opinions and hate onto others. It’s disgusting.
Vulnerability is def a good thing. I feel like it’s the first step to finding your strength. It’s def a nurture and grow type thing. For me, everything that has made me uncomfortable one time has helped me to get to a place of comfort eventually. I also think that fear breeds beasts… sometimes good beast, sometimes bad. Don’t let the fear knock you down and Don’t feel guilty for who you are! You are amazing and who or what you like can and will never take away from that.
Everyday you embrace yourself and face those very demons by pushing through and doing every thing that you do daily. You’ve embraced your truth by sharing this very post…I commend you! Getting to that “perfect place” will take some work but you can def do it. Keep pushing Kevin, you’re almost there!
Heartfelt Rai!
Its a true blessing to have this kind of support.