Once Upon A Time, there was a girl.
When she was born she was small and soft and surrounded by love and warmth. She had a brother, a mom, and a dad.
Very quickly the world began to creep through the stone walls surrounding her. The world was dark, and black, and thick. It oozed through the walls and lay heavily on and around her. It weighed her down and made her sad. Sometimes the world was nice and bright, it shone through the windows of the house and melted some of the black goo away. But the black goo was always there, it would never all melt away. Even still, sometimes when the goo was gone it left thick, dark, painful scars. It hurt her a lot, but made her happy, too.
The girls father went away. She was too young to know what it meant to miss someone, so she didn’t. Then another man came to be her dad. He went away too, though. Her mom got sick and sad. Her and her brother built and armor for each other. It was thick and strong, but very dark and heavy. Nobody could get through the armor. That was good sometimes, they thought they were keeping out all the goo of the world. But one day they realized they couldn’t get out, and when they tried to let someone in they had forgotten how to take it off. So their skin grew hard and clung on tightly to the metal around it- soon the armor wasn’t really armor, it was just them.
Inside the armor they were very sad, and angry. And underneath that they were scared. And under that, they were small soft babies who needed love and warmth. But the world was mean. It pushed them over and looked away when they reached out and cried. So they learned not to.
One day they left the stone walls. They fell into the goo. The girls brother swam out, but she was stuck. Her brother tried to tell her how to swim, but she couldn’t hear him; he tried to throw her a rope, but she couldn’t see him. When she looked around, she couldn’t see how he had swam to safety just to help her. The world grew into a monster and whispered in her ear. It told her he left her, he abandoned her. She was alone. He told her that he wasn’t ugly, but all of them were. All the ugly people, and deep down she was hideous too.
So she pushed out the sadness and fear. She nursed her anger and helped it grow big and strong. She climbed on his shoulders and she felt big and strong too. But he sucked the life out of her. He made her smaller and sadder, but from her perch on his shoulder she could not tell.
One day she fell. From the hole in the bottom of the goo, she could finally see where she was. And she knew she didn’t want to be there anymore.
She started to try to climb out, to reach for people to help pull her out. She kept coming close. But she fell many times. She fell hard, and sometimes it was a very long way until she stopped falling. Sometimes she felt so sad in her hole that she took a very long time to pick herself back up.
One day she found out she would have a baby. She was so happy and scared, and very sad because she didn’t want her baby to be born in the goo. She started trying harder and harder to climb out. One day when she was halfway up, the baby was born. She was still in the goo, but she wasn’t stuck. She realized it would take her a very long time to get all the way out, and when she made it, it would still take time to clean the goo off of herself and her baby.
But the baby was small and soft and surrounded by love and warmth. And the girl wasn’t a girl anymore, she was a young woman. And the armor didn’t stick to her skin so much, in fact some of it fell of on its own. And one day she realized the goo was lighter some days, and that even from the pit the light could come through.
Once Upon A Time There was a warrior. She had a baby who was small and soft and surrounded by love and warmth. And each day together they fought off the goo of the world, and searched for the light. She knew one day they would find their way out together.
The End

Me and My mom

Me and my brother, Harry

My mom and me

Harry and me in Montana 

Harry, my mom, me

Me and Harry after he graduated Naval Boot Camp (Chicago, IL) 

Me, 8 months pregnant- the night of my baby shower

Willow, 1 day old

Me and Willow, first day home

Willow, 1 week old

Because it’s Halloween, I thought I would share something completely terrifying with you: the story of an emotionally abusive relationship. But have no fear- this terrifying story has a happy ending, because I am all about the happily ever afters.

I was 20 when I met you. I’d lived 20 years thinking I wasn’t good enough for myself, let alone another person. The toxic relationship I had been in for a year had just ended and you pushed your way into my life. I didn’t ask you to do that. You did that on your own. You captured me with your sad stories and your “understanding” of my sickness.

It was nice for a while. You were nice for a while.

And then I started feeling sick every time you got mad at me. Which seemed to be every day. Everything I did was wrong. You didn’t like the music I listened to, the shows I watched, the things that brought me joy.

You had roped me into a situation I felt like I was stuck in- because I didn’t want to add to your abandonment issues. How unfair. You couldn’t lift yourself up, so you had to bring everyone around you down, too. And unfortunately, I was the collateral damage in your situation. I think you would have done it to anyone, but I was the sucker that you emotionally abused for two years.

I’m sad for you.

You didn’t have it in your heart to love me the way you should have. You were more focused on discounting my struggles and my mental illness because no one’s mental illness could possibly have been as bad as yours. No one had it any worse than you. At least that’s how you acted.

But I’m writing to you now because I want you to know that I forgive you. I forgive you for making me feel useless, worthless, and unloved. I didn’t have enough love for myself at that point- how did I expect someone else’s love to fill that void? I forgive you, and I hope you find peace. I hope you are happy. 

I shouldn’t have set my expectations so high. But I am finally past that part in my life. I am finally at a point where I can forgive you for how you made me feel. I can forgive you for the words you said to me that echo in my soul every time I feel badly about myself.

I am where I am because I spent the last three years proving you wrong. I spent the last three years loving myself as much as I could because you couldn’t love me in the time that we were together. I needed love to recover from that- and I was the only one who could have provided that kind of love.

So from the bottom of my heart:

thank you for not loving me like I should have been loved. I had to do that on my own. And finally, I did it.

What I want you, my reader and friend, to take away from this is that YOU are worth it. You are worth being happy. You are strong- strong enough to forgive and move on. Love all of the bits of yourself because you are truly beautiful. Love the puzzle pieces that you are made up of. I hope you find that strength that is buried so deep within you. And if you need help finding it, just call me.

The picture is me, one year ago.

The little guy to the right… that’s Teddy. I met him through Craigslist. He became a soul companion for days upon days, weeks upon weeks, months upon months, while I was battling depression.

When I had no one else to talk to [as crazy as it may sound], I talked to Teddy.

It was great seeing the little guy last Saturday. I went to visit him and his family.

Man, he has grown. I heard he likes girls better though, LOL. But he didn’t slouch when he saw me. The usual Teddy, he started clawing at my clothes. His energy, as always, was endless. (Thinking about getting a dog? I think the best energy comes from a Cocker Spaniel).

So the story with Teddy is such…

The first day I saw him, he was slowly nibbling on a new toy he got for Christmas. He was half asleep. I took him in my arms and started rubbing my fingers through his fur. He quickly fell asleep.

Lucie, his owner warned me,

“That’s his tired moment… we don’t get alot of that.”

What could I have said. How cuter could he be?

A week later, it was was our first day alone. Two months old, but it was easy to see that Teddy was the most vibrant fellow in the neighborhood.

He couldn’t stop himself from eating every bits of sticks, grass and whatnot that was in his reach.

And there I was, extremely frustrated hoping that he would stop [just o give me a break] but day by day, apart of my job was to get used to his surprises.

Well, alot change after the first week or two. I got used to Teddy and started looking forward to seeing him everyday.

Firstly, I would get half bag of Cheerios before we leave the house, hoping to feed him the other half when we return.

No!

Wrong strategy! Teddy needed it all!

Once we were outside the house, before he made it down the steps that lead into the yard, he would rush back into the house.

“What is the matter Teddy?”
“Do you need your toys?”
“Or is it just too cold outside?”

No!

Teddy wanted the rest of the cheerios.

He was smart, he was quick and he knew how to get what he wanted.

In Teddy’s mind, “You take me down three steps of steers – that’s a walk long enough – now take me back, there is food inside.”

I laughed!

All Teddy really cared about was having it his way.

As the dog walker, I had to keep him checked. I was expected to train him but instead Teddy began to teach me and I allowed him to . I admired his will, his strength and his yearning and applied this to different aspects of my life, at the time, for meaning.

I was compelled to write about my observance, that I actually started a journal.

“Watching a pet fondly at play can be therapeutic.

You grow and as you become more aware of your surroundings you strive to make the most of it.” March 8, 2016.

A year later – 18 months old – Teddy is no less the guy I met a year ago. My trip to go see him was just a brilliant idea.

To say that great ideas come from unusual places, would be an understatement in this case.
Having walked Teddy for close to 7 months, I learnt that life is just too short to waste it sacrificing your worth.

By just being resolute, determined and ambitious, you make other people’s life better – no need to be a people pleaser.

And this is a lesson, passed on to me from a little dog [that often times, you don’t get to learn from alot of people] but that I hope will also enrich someone else’s life.