I remember the sweet scent of chocolate oatmeal cookies,

carried by the warm summer breeze through our loving home.

How I panicked if the gas from the oven will cause a corruption,

absolute destruction,

and if I don’t check that it’s off three times,

my family will die,

and I’ll be the reason they’re not alive.

I remember a rubber band on my wrist,

instead of friendship bracelets,

because the self-inflicted pain was less intense,

then the uncontrollable rumination in my head.

Which led me to dry heave for eighteen years and kneel on the cool tile

floor,

of an underfunded academic institution,

whose people sent me to the nurses office and said I was just a little

anxious.

The words mental health were never mentioned.

The bullies enjoyed a girl already on her knees,

little did they see,

they were hurting as much as me.

I remember while my parents went to the grocery store,

i’d call my Dad’s phone four times, thinking they’ve died,

In some tragic car collide. But it’s all in my mind.

I remember the stains of colored markers in art class,

Imagining a better life, free from the clutches of an unknown God,

controlling my every obsessive thought.

I’ve never known the freedom of child-like immortality,

Irrationality was my nationality, and my whole identity,

When could someone set me free?

It wouldn’t be until I accepted the trinity.

I remember I locked myself in a bathroom for three days,

thinking the police were after me,

because this unnamable scream, so to speak,

convinced me I committed a hit in run.

That I ran over a woman on 8th street,

but in reality…It was all in my head,

Intrusive thoughts whispering lies even in the crevasses,

of everything I am.

So, I drank the tap water.

I remember when we were gifted itchy knit sweaters with high

turtlenecks,

but now, grown, I throw my hands to my neck,

with the fear of strangulation,

from my intrusive thoughts of suicidal ideation.

Childhood,

it’s over but I swear it never even begun,

I function like a combat soldier In a war zone,

intrusive thoughts were like grenades

tossed in-between the bookshelves,

where I clawed the pages of worn school books,

looking for a name to this thing that doctors didn’t care to explain,

but they only had three books on the state of the mind,

one of them even said,

a woman is just hormonal as a teen and the rest isn’t worth defining.

I remember I went to the doctors again,

they said they could only give me eight minutes that day.

They had me circle a bunch of smiley faces,

but none of them looked like me,

Please God tell me which face resembles someone that:

Checks the gas three times,

kneels in bathrooms and cries,

thinks their parents will die,

and thinks they took a life?

When the worst thing that they’ve done is tell a little white lie,

To surprise their mom for their birthday?

How could I be lovable?

If I’m something so destructible.

America, I know we’re the land of the free,

but so many of us are chained in a mental health calamity,

mine was OCD,

and that’s actually treatable to a degree.

Yet it took twenty-one years to be diagnosed properly.

I needed someone who was really listening,

not just looking to bandaid another part of this society.

And that starts with me.

What do you want to remember?

Written by Sarah Edwards (@setapart_company), TPCT Project Coordinator

Have you ever felt trapped before? Trapped in a health condition; a job, a toxic relationship, a way of thinking, creative burnout, a series of repeated mistakes, and so on? 

Did you know you have the power to change that?

I didn’t think it was possible for someone like me that was suffering for years in all buckets of life. I’ve had to sit and stare this idea of freedom in the face, as I’ve spent many seasons chained to a metaphorical ground in my mind, like a flightless bird with clipped wings. My repetitive thinking, worry and stress makes me feel that I am living half my life. The other half is missing, broken off, or gone. 

But I found a way to unchain myself, in all areas of my life that were in pain, and finally, move forward. It’s a single mindset shift, and while I am still in the self improving phase and perfecting this, it’s changed my life.

Now to be gentle and open, I understand some people are in threatening and uncharacteristic circumstances, and while these upcoming steps may not be a solution this mindset shift might offer some elements of peace in other areas.

To start, we need to really think about this idea of freedom, and the definition of it.

Step One: Understanding Your Freedom

Ask yourself: What does it mean to become free from something? In this broken, imperfect world, and in our imperfect bodies, is absolute freedom from something possible, or is it an ideal we strive for to keep us going?

Write down what you view freedom to look, sound, and feel like for you. While this might seem childlike or silly, it is often the childlike paths in our minds that have the least amount of built up hurdles from the “real world” and can provide clarity.

You need to go head to head with what you’re envisioning that version of your life to look like – taking it out of the romantic thought and putting it on paper for you to have a conversation with, and understand. 

Be honest with yourself. You only harm yourself when you are dishonest. Honestly is the act of being vulnerable, and being open. This is how we make room for change and insight.

I’ve often wondered what I would be like, what life would be like, if I found and recovered that other half. I envision a much better version of myself, comparing my present self to her and disliking myself all the greater, catalyzing my pain. Hence why we need to get it on paper, and break the comparison cycle. 

In reality, romanticizing who I should be and comparing myself just enabled me to believe I didn’t need to take action on change, because it seemed impossible or out of reach.

Now, by definition, freedom is the power to act and speak without restraint.

So, in the art of reverse engineering, we would need to, 1. Identify what we are trying to do, and 2. What is restraining us from meeting our goals?

Step Two: The Action Breakdown

Take that version of yourself and break it down. If you wrote it out, place it to the side and create two columns. The first column is a list of some of the traits you wrote down from this free life (some of the five senses, the location, the adjectives, etc).

The second column is the main or biggest action or change that needs to occur to make that first column a possibility. You should write an action next to each item on the list you made in the first column. Actions might be tangible things, events, habits, or mental shifts.

Now, if you’re like me, you probably notice that a lot of the actions have to do with yourself. Perhaps it’s setting boundaries, adding a new positive habit, or having a hard conversation. Sometimes it’s even deeper, like getting honest about a bad habit, a personality trait you’re not proud of, or will require sacrifices. 

Absolutely there are instances where things are entirely out of our control, and don’t worry, I am going to get to that. 

Bottom line? Oftentimes we are the one’s retraining ourselves, getting in the way, from our “free” or improved self.

Step Three: Identifying Intrusive Thoughts

Maybe, you’re like me, and you’ve spent weeks, months, years and decades plagued with intensive anxiety and negative thoughts. Perhaps you’ve broken a sweat trying to solve an unsolvable problem, and you can’t rest until you’ve reached an almost-good-enough conclusion. 

Or you’ve ruminated to the point of total exhaustion if, like me, you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). 

But worst of all is when the intrusive thoughts scare you to your core. When you begin to believe them. These irrational whispers in the back of your head that suddenly drive your beliefs about who you are, and your worth. 

To ease them, you do compulsions. A series of thoughts or actions that disprove the thoughts, like triple checking that the stove is turned off. 

An attempt to regain control, to know the certainty of your outcomes, despite the intrusive thought being entirely irrational most of the time.

Intrusive Thoughts Happen to Us All

Now regardless if you have OCD or not, intrusive thoughts happen to us all. Our compulsions might vary or take the form of something else, like repeating a bad habit. For example, ordering the takeout again, even if you’re on a healthy diet, because the diet feels unachievable, and you aren’t worth it or aren’t capable. 

By ordering the food you are gaining comfort and certainty in your outcome, your current reality. 

Intrusive thoughts are involuntary thoughts that occur in our minds, at random times. These thoughts are usually negative, and can be distressing or disturbing in nature. 

On another piece of paper, write down common or recurring intrusive or negative thoughts you have about yourself.

Why? By acknowledging these intrusive thoughts you now have the power to let them go, not just let them keep your life on repeat. Intrusive or negative thoughts can exhaust us or prevent us from taking action in our lives. What does letting go look like? We hit that in our last step.

[If you are in high distress often I would encourage you to seek an OCD Specialist or mental health professional to provide treatment options and help. I recommend starting with The International OCD Foundation to search for board-certified professionals. 

Understanding how intrusive thoughts operate can change your life, and can become a tool for the rest of your life. Ignoring how this cycle works might be what’s holding you back.

Step Four: Catch and Release for Freedom

Now that you’ve done the work it’s time to come up with a plan. But, we often kick ourselves because we try to solve all life buckets, negative habits, at once – and fail. Duh. We are only human. Not fictional characters, or God, or in a movie. We don’t get the change montage in three minutes or two chapters.

Pick one thing and implement it this week – what is the main action you wrote down? Take it further, plan it out, figure out all the steps. Then do it. 

By the way, you don’t need to wait for “the start of the week” to start a habit. That’s a form of resistance and excuse. I fell for it a lot. Cross check this plan with your intrusive thoughts, what thoughts might discourage you from making a change?

Letting Go

One of the biggest things we can do in our life, after we come up with a few acknowledgements and actions, is letting go of the rest. 

Tell your intrusive thoughts that you don’t actually know the outcome or the answer. It could be true, or not true. Regardless, you don’t care. You don’t need to prove or disprove. You don’t need to repeat a bad habit or compulsion for comfort. It’s not worth your time.

It’s also important to acknowledge the many life things that are out of your control, and letting it go. For me personally, I am a Christian, and the most freeing thing I can do is give it over to my Creator, my God. 

Everytime I start to get overwhelmed and continually worry, I ask myself, “Where could I be effectively putting my energy instead?”

It’s also important to let go of this “pure and ideal self” you have in mind. You want progress. Happiness, fulfillment and freedom come from progress. Investing in yourself. Reaching your goals, not this perfect moment or person. 

Want to read a bit more about happiness? Checkout my other article on Navigating Happiness with Mental Health.

Written by Sarah Edwards (@setapart_company), TPCT Project Coordinator

Disclaimer: Sarah Edwards is not a certified or licensed mental health professional. Rather someone sharing real life experience and findings for others to find commonality and seek actionable steps needed for them. 

Happiness is almost always for me in the small, mundane moments of life. The moments you will miss if you don’t stop and be present for them. The smell of rain and a warm breeze through the window. The laughter of your best friend, or even not overcooking your favorite pasta. When I think about meaning, I like to parallel that with thinking about value. I think the small moments for me take a lot of steps to achieve. I’m naturally am not a present person. I’m an anxious overthinker. So if I’m able to achieve gratitude for a single life moment, that might be one of my biggest accomplishments of the day.

Which makes me want to ponder on how valuable happiness is. Especially why so many of us are yearning for the experience. How much do we think about happiness? As someone with or without mental health challenges, happiness can seem hard to come by at times. Happiness is so precious when it does come by. 

To be honest, I’ve spent a chunk of my mental conversations trying to uncomplicate the idea of happiness. I think a lot of us are chasing, gripping, holding onto happiness in some way, really everyday, and are trying to decide if happiness is a hypothetical, fantastical construct or if it’s something we actually have control over.I think I obsessed more over why I wasn’t always happy or desired to elongate my happiness that I totally hop-skipped over those small joyful things, and missed out.

I believe it is in our nature as humans,  and a deep desire to become perfect. If we’re not happy the moment we wake up or during a “beautiful day” or “event”, we think we’re broken, or something is wrong with us. Ask yourself:

• How often do I think I miss out on good moments? (Because I’m too obsessed with wanting to make it last longer).
• Why do I not experience a happier feeling in the first place?

That was and sometimes is still an issue I have at least.

I have friends as well that cling onto happy-memories, and try to replicate them. For example, something from childhood. Then we feel continuously let down that it’s not the same experience or feeling.

Many of us try to cram real happiness in a space in our mind that is compared to our fantastical happiness. We put it next to an unreasonable expectation. Or a comparable time when we were different, or in a different season. We set our happiness up for failure. 

I used to get so upset that many mornings I didn’t wake up energetic and happy, and that’s because I was influenced by constantly seeing “peaceful” or  “perfect morning routine” on social media to the extreme where I thought I was supposed to be like that all the time. So instead of waking up, acknowledging my weary, discontent, maybe stressed emotions, I got angrier and more upset because I wasn’t joyful. When really, all I had to do was acknowledge those emotions then choose to be happier to the best of my ability. 

The key here is the best of your ability in that moment, not your imaginations ability. Which is probably a lot higher of a bar and a standard.

By choosing my happiness, and not expecting to just feel a certain way, I became actionable to implement things that made me happy. Such as, taking a break in my work day, making my favorite food, calling a friend or saying no to something I didn’t want to do. Therefore, I created my own happiness. Not based on what’s in my head, but the reality of what I could conjure up that day.

Saying no to something or even saying no to an emotion doesn’t automatically cancel out the potential joy you can have in an experience or day! Sometimes, I have a lot of built up thoughts or anxiety, and I just say, no. I’m instead going to go do, insert activity, or be productive to assist my anxiety. I tell myself I will readdress those emotions after. We don’t need to solve all our feelings in one moment.  I’m not saying the emotions or thoughts don’t exist, I’m not denying the need to be cared for, I’m just prioritizing my tasks or potential joy over them, as best I can.

To be aware of where you are in a day and then creating change or choices based on that and not your desirable, escapist mind (where we can get so distracted imagining the better) made such a big difference. It’s made me more observant and grateful because now I’m in the present actively looking for good things. So I notice beautiful flowers when driving, when the sun pops out, when my friend says something encouraging.

Instead of chasing happiness I am constructing happiness. You don’t need to chase happiness, you have it instilled in you already! Give it the environment and the right soil and the water to grow it. Take a moment to see the season, the day, the sun and you base your choices and thinking off of that, and not your assumptions as to what the weather will be like, and how people are going to treat you.  

If you have a fun idea, or something that will bring joy to someone’s heart, I encourage you to go do it! Plan it, be actionable, and make friends with your happiness. You don’t need to wait for what society deems as an “important moment.” Every moment is important if you want it to be.

Ask yourself – How much happiness am I losing by fantasizing a false expectation that I’m in a certain season of my life when I’m not? What amazing joys am I not appreciating now because it’s not perfect joy?

Sometimes we need to go through the weeds to find our bits of happiness. To find joyful things. Even when stuff just…sucks. Going through the weeds is not reserved only for the “bad days” but every day in my book. It requires us to get painfully honest, and hold up a magnifying glass in order to be more aware of these gifts, of the blessings, and to re-define what makes me happy. To renew my heart in realizing that so many things and blessings have the potential to put a smile on my face, and my heart. Instead of always wanting more.

As a spiritual person, I also pray deeply for others’ happiness. But for the non-spiritual, this is similar to thinking about elevating others happiness. Doing an act of kindness or planning an activity (or small moment) in the day to bring them higher. This takes the attention away from ourselves, the pressure, while remaining actionable about thinking through joy and small moments.

Imagine what the world would evolve into if we all focused on not just our own happiness, but how we can create happiness for others?

But hey, let’s get real. There are days, moments in a day, when joy seems so far. When intrusive thoughts are so overpowering, we feel broken beyond repair. I also find myself falling into the constant thought process that my emotions impact others deeply, and that makes me anxious. That I have to be happy in order to be loved, to be desired or wanted around. I overthink, and over-read others reactions to my emotions or how I act in a day. This creates a pressure cooker mentality, I start clawing for happiness, and panicking when I’m not for the sake of my relationships. 

I’ve really tried to grasp onto this idea of a new day. With mental illness, a new day used to feel truly useless. I would say, “I have a chronic illness. Who cares about a new day?” I would fear sleeping, and waking up and the cycle would continue. This is in reference to the throws of my deeper Harm Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (hOCD). 

But when a new day comes, new opportunities and moments present themselves. New laughter, small jokes and fragile seeds. And with every passing day, wounds, big and small heal. So that terrible day you had? Where you fear you may have negatively impacted another person? Where you fear you’ve wounded yourself beyond healing? It’s already far away in their minds, and it should be in yours too. But I find negative thinking, and even the strongest moments of mental health are temporary. It’s slipping away, like sand on a beach. It’s probably smaller than your mind is ruminating it to be. Our minds love to make everything feels like everything is a big thing. Because we are the center of the universe, in our heads. But we have the power to change that narrative.

People don’t observe your happiness with a fine tooth comb, because they’re already trying to do it for themselves. 

You don’t need to be embarrassed. You don’t need to feel like you need to conceal your suffering. It took me a long time to learn this. I often need to remind myself that an “unhappy” version of myself (or day) is just a day of growth and learning. We’re all emotional in our own ways and trying to find that bit of happiness – and broken and imperfect. However, in those cracks are beautiful lessons, experiences and moments of joy. Go find yours.

Written by Sarah Edwards (@setapart_company), TPCT Project Coordinator