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Grieving my Uterus: Transgender Journey

I haven’t talked much about my transgender journey here. Mostly because it’s personal and complex. As a disclosure, I’m not here to talk solely about my journey but also about grieving something sacred; my uterus.

The Uterus is Sacred: Grieving

Culturally, I have identified the sacredness of my uterus. It’s a portal that held so much of my power. With it, I felt whole and divine. I was balanced of both feminine and masculine energies. My psychic abilities were at its peak as I was tapping into that sacred energy.

Without my uterus, I felt lost and out of touch with the feminine energy. And it kind of made me angry. But mainly angry with society.

Grief that Turned to Anger

Throughout my grieving process, I wanted to answer: Why did I need to get rid of something sacred to qualify for bottom surgery when I have been aware of my gender identity since I was 4 years old?

My grief turn into anger upon answering that question. The anger sparked from the expectation that people must conform to the binary system in order to receive what may alleviate their gender dysphoria. The binary system started with colonization and the whitewashed governing body that strips people of their culture, self-expression, and self-autonomy. This forces non-binary individuals to conform to the binary system for medical procedures. Which only causes more distress.

Systemic Irrational Fears

People with money don’t have to go through any of the barriers that the gender expansive community has to. No one questions, interrogates, expect publicity, requires more than one medical document, and/or makes up a wait time for someone with money who wants a surgery done. There are no rules or barriers for them. So why do those of the gender expansive community need to go through all of these barriers? Why do we need to prove ourselves when society has prevented self-expression from happening?

What people fail to process is how self-expression within the childhood would actually help individuals find/be themselves. It’s actually why many cis-het people are so unhappy; they don’t know who they are so they try to conform to something which only makes them feel guilty. And due to how the United States was build, people fear the lack of control over another’s gender identity through forcing binary social conformity. In other words, closed/single minded individuals seek to control gender identity and gender expression within others because they’re uncomfortable with people being free of a construct they, themselves, are prisoner to.

What I’ve Learned & Done

In some way, I learned many things from my grief and anger:

  • I shouldn’t give my power away.
  • Not having a uterus doesn’t make me any less.
  • I am still me without my uterus.
  • It’s okay to grieve and be angry.
  • It’s okay to cry.

In all of this, I have tattooed a ram skull with Lilith’s sigil on its forehead on my lower stomach area. This is how the tattoo looks on paper.

grieving

These are their meanings:

  • A skull with horns symbolize the major change and death of a cycle of life.
  • The ram skull represents overcoming obstacles; my grief and anger. It also symbolizes the sacrifice I made in order to qualify for the surgery to feel aligned to myself.
  • I placed Lilith’s sigil on the forehead because she is a symbol of femininity, freedom, rebellion, strength, courage and beauty.

Remember that it’s okay to grieve something that society doesn’t think you should grieve.

– Dez 🙂

“Thanksgiving”: Learning Native Indigenous History

The History of Thanksgiving

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. We’ve ALL heard the story about why we celebrate Thanksgiving. We heard that it marked the day where the colonizers and Native people shared their first harvest feast in 1621. And I’m here to tell you that this wasn’t the first thanksgiving nor it happened the fairytale way. In fact, there were hundreds to thousands of thanksgivings and many of them (in Turtle Island; now the U.S.A) were related to the massacres, genocides, and murders of Native Indigenous people.

  • Read about the partial timeline/records of thanksgiving.
  • Read the Wampanoag side of the ‘first’ Thanksgiving story.
  • Read the true story behind the continuation of celebrating Thanksgiving.
  • Read where Thanksgiving came from and the dark history behind it.

The Irony of it All

Here’s the irony, the colonizers fled their country for freedom. Freedom of what? To free themselves from control of religion, law, government, debt, etc.

Here’s a little history recap: The pilgrims of the 1621 Thanksgiving didn’t arrive until December 1620. These colonizers were helped by Native people (per usual), with open arms, despite what happened prior to their arrival. Prior to their arrival, the Europeans made their way over in 1616. The European diseases and cruel activities killed up to 90% of the Wampanoag population. On the European’s way out, they ripped Natives from their tribes and families to become slaves. Although Natives were welcoming, the pilgrims still had to take.

Quick Summary: The colonizers came here for freedom to take freedom; which is what the government was build off of.

Putting it All Together: What is Thanksgiving?

Thanksgiving is a day of grief of what happened and what continues to happen to Natives. I continually ask myself, why celebrate a holiday that celebrates the downfall of my own people? In a simple answer, we weren’t given the truth in history class. We only read about the colonizer’s perspective to cover up what actually happened to Native people. This narrative paints colonizers to be the good and Native people as bad. There were many other demeaning words that described my people; my family.

Ignorant People: “WhErE iS tHe PrOoF?”

Many uneducated/ignorant people ask that for any fact that exposes the true colors of America.

Answer: The colonizers/government tried their best to burn and erase every single piece of Native history and culture in more than hundreds of ways. Watch how the government did it and are still doing it today!

Things to Try

Learn the history behind holidays. Dig deeper. Ask yourself if you are hearing the truth. Be open to listening/learning from/about people who are systemically being oppressed. Be the change, not the problem. If you don’t see the problem, ask yourself how you would feel if the same happened to your race/culture. Treat people with kindness and dignity!

Those who are being oppressed, erased, targeted, etc. are at greater risk of suicide. We are humans! We exist and have feelings! Native Indigenous Lives Matter!

If you are struggling with mental health and would like to seek help, click here for our resources page.

– Dez