Hello everyone!

As many of you may be aware, the implementation of the COVID vaccine is well underway, and pretty soon everyone would be eligible to get it. I have heard both pros and cons to getting it, and would love to know what your take on it is as well as if you are planning to get it. No judgments here, instead I would love to know everyone’s opinions on either getting or not getting it, and why.

Also, if you have already received it, do you have any feedback or any other details about your experience that you’d like to share with us?

The days continue to pass, my mind remains in a daze,
Other times I’m in such a fast-paced rush that I forget my surroundings
I want to do more, I know I can do more
Yet I feel so lost, so empty, so ungrounded
Who am I, why am I here, do I even belong?
WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?
I thought it had it all figured out
Things come and go,
People, places, occasions
I want to change the cycle
I know others understand this feeling
There will be a better tomorrow
Just as the sun sets it also rises
Yet as quickly as the positive thought enters,
the despair storms in and the silhouette of the unknown takes over
WHY AM I SO ANXIOUS?
What is the next step?
I can hear those around me,
Sometimes in whispers, sometimes in yells
Feelings surrounded by many
Sometimes feeling completely alone
I don’t even recognize myself anymore
Is this who I have become
This is not who I wanted to be

If you’ve read any of my previous posts you know i looove music. I love to listen to it, write it, record it, watch it, hear about it, and i absolutely love everything guitars. So with this post I want to open it up to all of you as a library, allow me to explain.

1.) Tell me how you’re feeling/times you’re feeling a certain way

2.) Tell me how you WANT to feel, OR if you’d like music to help feel said feelings all the way through

3.) Tell me what kind of music you currently enjoy/listen to OR a genre of music you’d like to explore farther

Now these three steps (in a responding post below) would be applicable if you’re looking for my recommendations on music and how it affects our emotions, HOWEVER I have a very broad taste and relatively extensive knowledge on a lot of music genres and sub-genres so if you’re looking to explore one farther or ask music related questions I have no opposition to that either!

Now, allow me to speak more on Music and their relationship with our emotions. Music is an international language. It is spoken through all races, sexes, communities, ages, etc. In many cultures it is described as the “language of emotions”, that’s also why when we watch films, for example, music typically accompanies specific moments or scenes to give the viewer a better sense of the emotional atmosphere and let us know how we should be viewing what’s going on. The experience of “Music” has the power to evoke emotions that is absolutely incomparable to any other sense. When our brain processes music, it can be related to a “collage” of sorts. There are different sounds in a specific structure, in which when combined in said sequence, create a piece of art that seems to make sense to us compared to it’s singular sounds alone. Music is primarily rooted in the primitive part of the brain’s structures that are tied to emotion, motivation, and reward. The response that our brain’s have our almost unconscious in a way, and musical artists themselves have the ability to manipulate our emotions and expectations whether they realize what they’re doing or not. According to psychcentral.com, “More than any other stimulus, music has the ability to conjure up images and feelings that need not necessarily be directly reflected in memory.”. If you sit back and just read that sentence over a time or two again, it really truly is amazing how Music can draw pictures in our heads and evoke such strong emotion, and yet, those things MAY not even be related to any past memories or experiences, providing you with a whole new experience through nothing more than sound. Our own preference even on the kind of music we’d like to listen to at some time has an effect on its perceived experience to the listener.

“It could be this heightened level of experience in certain people and musicians that allows them to imagine and create music that others simply cannot, painting their very own sonic image.”. – Malini Mohana on “Music & How It Impacts Your Brain, Emotions”

SO, with all of this being said, I open this up to you, as I encourage you to ask for any of those beautiful experiences through music that I may be able to share with you.

I just got a new job at MIlkcraft, an ice cream shop. My parents have been forcing me to get a job for months now. I applied to several places and never heard back from any. I was hopeless at this point. I thought no one was going to hire me. All the college ids were coming back and going to get their old jobs, leaving me with no available positions. However I got a call one night and was told I got a job! I am really happy but nervous. I am the newbie so the other employees are bossing me around a bit but I am having fun!

Friday, March 16, 2018
Life is weird. It’s horrible and wonderful and fun and scary and exciting and sad. All of that is loosely wrapped into a pattern of wrapping paper that you don’t chose, that doesn’t change the contents it holds or matter much, but is what many people will judge us based upon, without looking inside. Then we throw in feelings; lots of feelings. Thoughts, too- which are different from feelings, but maybe they are exactly the same. I’m not sure. There are also experiences, both good and bad. Whether we perceive them as positive or negative, they happen, and they change us. And they help us and they hurt us: and supposedly we have control over that, but I’m not always quite sure of that. Then there’s time. We can’t control it, have little understanding of it, and are unaware of how much we have. And time changes and it changes us- constantly. It’s like this river that can grow into an ocean or shrink into a puddle suddenly and without clear cause. And finally there’s uncertainty; lots of that.
We are thrown into life holding these packages that grow and grow, or maybe they stay the same for a long time, or maybe they shrink; we don’t know, or at least I don’t, and usually we don’t even know or understand what’s inside of them. Then we are sounded by millions of other people and their packages and their feelings and confusion. And we are constantly bumping into them or holding their hands or pushing them away. That’s mostly what life is made of. I think.
Sometimes I think my anxiety or my depression or whatever it is: something in me that I don’t like, but should probably try to make friends with, forces me to try to define things. So constantly, I am attempting to place reason upon the unreasonable. This futile attempt to define many small things, alongside the one big thing- life- is not good for me. I mean, maybe it’s not all that bad. Sometimes I come to a reasonable understanding of something. Or maybe it gives me a unique lens to look at life through. But I think more often than not, it either causes me to romanticize that which is unhealthy or sad or negative; or it causes my mind to run in circles, chasing its own tail, desperately attempting to catch something that will never reach my fingertips.
But I am not all bad, and neither is life, or the people in it, or the packages glued to our palms. And today is a beautiful day, and spring is coming which fills me with happiness and hope. Recently, I got a new camera, and that means I can be creative again, which I used to be able to do constantly. And Willow and I had a beautiful night and morning today. I cannot wait to bring her for a ride on her new tricycle-thingy. And I’m happy and content, and the sun is pulling the sorrow from my skin and replacing it with hope. Right now I am happy, for the most part, and today is a good day. And all I can ever ask is to be good enough, and anything after that is extra. Someone I love told me that, and I like to hold onto things which make me think of people I love, and I like to think of life in lose but concrete ways, if that makes sense. Because even though everything is always changing and always will, right now it is how it is and that is ok.

Today, as I enjoy my mini celebration of being alive for exactly 23.75 years, I cannot get some very specific thoughts out of my head. So I am going to share them with you.
Because maybe if I write them down, and maybe if I have someone on my side, I’ll be able to battle their intrusion.

I am tired. My body and my head and my soul are tired. I feel like I am being pulled in 27 different directions. I am spreading myself so so thin to satisfy everything and everyone. I’m not complaining. I was MEANT to be on this earth to make people feel loved, and to help them realize they don’t have to walk this life alone. I am eternally grateful that fate has chosen me to fulfill that duty. It is my purpose and caring for people is what gives my soul strength.
I am just tired.

The end of the year is always an incredible whirlwind of emotions and I don’t know if I can physically/emotionally/mentally handle all of those emotions this year. As December unravels, it is getting harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning. My body is craving more hours of sleep, but my mind cannot rest.
I don’t know how to, or if I even want to, take part in the Christmas festivities that are supposed to be so warm and so joyous and so loving. I don’t know if I can put on my “social interaction doesn’t terrify me” costume and be a joyous Olivia.

I have come SO far in the last year in terms of my mental health and my mental wellness. I am SO proud of who I am and who I have become. Every day I am reminded of the incredible things I have done by someone who sees who I really am. I am surrounded by so much love and support, and I still manage to forget that I am not alone.

So if you are reading this today, I get it. I get you. It’s not easy to be able to recognize the wonderful spirit you bring to this world. But I promise, it’s there.

As for me, I’ve cordially invited my Anxiety and my Depression to take the rest of the year off. They have worked hard enough from January until now. I am done with their misbehavior. I am done with the way they make me feel.
So from now until the end of this year (and hopefully well into 2018), the smile that you see is raw and real. It’s genuine.

And as for Anxiety and Depression- you may have won a few battles, but you are not winning this war.

Writing should always reflect how you speak. Mine does. My 10th grade English teacher was tired of reading the mind-numbing papers I was handing into him and he pulled me aside and said to me, “You have so many interesting ideas. I want you to write as if you were talking to me. I want you to get mad about things and be ecstatic about things. Yell about things that people need to hear. That’s how you should be writing.” I hope you are reading my writing these days, G. I’ve got so much to say.

I’ve found writing to be cathartic for me because I get to release these words through my fingertips. Once I write them, they are no longer inside of me, threatening me. If I scream out all of the thoughts that deter my focus from the rest of my day, they don’t get to control my brain anymore. So the words that you read are truthful, emotional, painful at times, raw, and very, very real. They are the thoughts that are no longer allowed to resonate in my brain. They are the thoughts I need you to hear. The words you read are my diary and my therapy, all wrapped into one. As I’ve already said, writing should always reflect how you speak.

Find comfort in knowing that you aren’t alone. Read my struggles and know that I am feeling your struggles on an emotional level. Know I am a 23-year-old who still feels the most beautiful in a tutu. Find what makes your heart overflow with joy. Bury yourself so deep in that joy that you don’t have time to think any negative thoughts.

I’ve included an article from Dance Magazine here!

If you are someone you know is struggling, please view our resources here.