Over time, I have definitely gotten better at being able to keep myself motivated to do better and stay on track in my recovery. Despite feeling horrible and dealing with a lot of intense emotions, even all at once, I have learned to focus on a couple of things that help keep me going, my motivations. Through these things, I have been able to eliminate my self-harm and suicide attempts, as well as remain a dependable, responsible, and reliable employee because I am no longer having crises.

The number one things that have helped keep me grounded within the past two years have been my boyfriend, my step-son, and our future goals. I know and I understand that if I am not okay, I cannot help provide the best life for our son. If I am not okay, I cannot help my boyfriend reach his goals. If I am not okay, I cannot reach my own goals, and even if I do, it will alter the path in some way, shape or form. Being able to take a step back and analyze the bigger picture of my life and have something to live for has helped me so much, even if sometimes I feel so lost.

My question to all of you is, no matter how hard life gets, no matter what crazy and difficult things may go on around you, what helps you not throw in the towel either?

What are you proud of yourself for today?

Its so easy to go to bed every night thinking of what you did wrong, or what you wish you did better or different. Things you wished never happened. I think we’ve all been there. Up for hours thinking and thinking. Guilty, angry, depressed, anxious. Sometimes these feelings help us make change. But a lot of the time they just hurt us.

So, what are you proud of yourself for today?

Today I’m proud of myself for being a mom. I might feel guilty a lot about being a mom… working, losing my temper, not taking advantage of every moment the way I feel like I should. But I know that I’m a good mom. I know my daughter loves me, and that I love her. Being a mom is scary and hard and exhausting and it never ends. And every day I wake up and do the best I can. I don’t act selfishly just because it’s easier. I don’t run away from my responsibilities. I try to do better all the time and I will never leave her side. So I’m proud of myself for that. I proud of myself for stepping up, being selfless, and pushing aside my wants for her sake.

Writing should always reflect how you speak. Mine does. My 10th grade English teacher was tired of reading the mind-numbing papers I was handing into him and he pulled me aside and said to me, “You have so many interesting ideas. I want you to write as if you were talking to me. I want you to get mad about things and be ecstatic about things. Yell about things that people need to hear. That’s how you should be writing.” I hope you are reading my writing these days, G. I’ve got so much to say.

I’ve found writing to be cathartic for me because I get to release these words through my fingertips. Once I write them, they are no longer inside of me, threatening me. If I scream out all of the thoughts that deter my focus from the rest of my day, they don’t get to control my brain anymore. So the words that you read are truthful, emotional, painful at times, raw, and very, very real. They are the thoughts that are no longer allowed to resonate in my brain. They are the thoughts I need you to hear. The words you read are my diary and my therapy, all wrapped into one. As I’ve already said, writing should always reflect how you speak.

Find comfort in knowing that you aren’t alone. Read my struggles and know that I am feeling your struggles on an emotional level. Know I am a 23-year-old who still feels the most beautiful in a tutu. Find what makes your heart overflow with joy. Bury yourself so deep in that joy that you don’t have time to think any negative thoughts.

I’ve included an article from Dance Magazine here!

If you are someone you know is struggling, please view our resources here.

Child Mental Health: Warning Signs to help spot mental illness in Children:

• Feeling very sad or withdrawn for two or more weeks
• Seriously trying to harm or kill yourself, or making plans to do so
• Sudden overwhelming fear for no reason, sometimes with a racing heart or fast breathing
• Involved in multiple fights, using a weapon, or wanting badly to hurt others
• Severe, out- of-control behavior that can hurt yourself or others
• Not eating, throwing up or using laxatives to make yourself lose weight
• Intensive worries or fears that get in the way of daily activities
• Extreme difficulty in concentrating or staying still that puts you in physical danger or causes school failure
• Repeated use of drugs or alcohol
• Severe mood swings that cause problems in relationships
• Drastic changes in your behavior or personality

If you absolutely had to repeat any grade (or grades) throughout your school experience, which would you choose to repeat and why?

If I had to make the choice, I would repeat my high school years, hands down. I would choose these years to repeat because I feel as though if I went in with the knowledge I have now, I would be so much more open to great opportunities and wouldn’t have struggled so much. I got the chance to walk the stage with my town’s high school, but in reality I finished my school work for the last 3 years of school in between hospitals, programs and residentials because things were so difficult. I would honestly re-do all of it, so I could have another chance to create my identity from earlier on, and so I could have more of a chance to enjoy things like sports and the social scene (proms, etc).