Sibling bonds are funny and complex. I have a brother who is only 14 months older than me, so we have always been really close. Growing up, he was my best friend. To this day, we are still really close, even though sometimes he drives me absolutely insane. When we’re together, it’s like we’re kids again. Honestly, the two of us together is like dumb and dumber and I know my boyfriend (who is an only child) sometimes watches my brother and I interacting and is like “wtf” because we really think the most ridiculous stuff is funny and we just feed off of each other.

Growing up, it always felt like it was us against the world. Even though he was only 14 months older than me, he took he older brother role very seriously. My brother honestly has one of the biggest hearts. He is one of the most caring people I know. I remember whenever I would be mad at my brother, my dad would always scold me and say something along the lines of, “Kailey, can’t you see your brother would do anything for you?” And, he would. There’s nothing my brother would not do for me. When we were kids, one year he gave me his old Game Boy SP to me for Christmas because he broke mine. Another year, he gave me his iPod Touch because he knew I liked to play with it.

When we got older and I needed a car but had no credit, he took out the loan in my name with no questions asked. He was ready to take on the responsibility at the potential expense of his credit score. When I was unsure of where I would be able to live and he was looking at houses, he made me a part of house shopping and always kept me in mind with whatever house we looked at. I am telling you, there is nothing that my brother would not do for me. And, I try to be there in all the ways he has been there for me.

I always know I can go to him with whatever I need. Whether I need advice, someone to vent to, or help with anything, I know he will do whatever he can to help me, no questions asked. I know I am his number one person he goes to with everything.

As I said earlier, he sometimes drives me insane. Not because there’s anything wrong with him, but sometimes he gets himself into situations where he is getting hurt or struggling and honestly I just lose it. I don’t lose it because I’m mad at him, it just kills me when my brother is struggling or hurting in any way. He is my best friend and he has been since I was born. It literally hurts my soul when he is struggling. I will drop everything to help him and help him in any way I can, no matter how emotionally charged I am.

But, there’s only so much I can do in certain situations. And because I am a super emotional person, especially when it comes to the people I care about, I just say whatever is on my mind, whether it should be said or shouldn’t. He’ll tell me I’m mean, but the reason I get so angry is because I care about him so much, not because I am mad at him. There have been times I’ve been so upset, I’ve blocked him because I just couldn’t watch the shit go down. It just wasn’t good for my mental health to just watch his world collapse.

Even though I am the younger sibling, I have always felt somewhat responsible for my brother. Not because he needs me, but somehow he is like an extension of myself. We were so close growing up. We told each other literally everything (and I mean everything). We always kind of took on each other’s problems. No matter how old I get, his problems will always feel like my problems.

Regardless, at the end of the day, I still love him. No matter how insane he drives me, he is still my best friend. I would still do anything for him. If he needs me, I will always be there.

No sibling is perfect, we argue, we fight. We even stop talking to each other at times, but in the end, we are family, and the love we have for each other always be there.

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Today marks the start of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week! From February 25th- March 5th we can try to commit to being happy with ourselves and our bodies the way they are, not the way we think they are supposed to be. Instead of trying to fit into a box, we can appreciate the utility of our bodies, the way they function to keep us living. The amazing strength we have. The unique beauty each of us posses. We are all amazing!

Today, I thank my body. But, I also thank myself. Because for a long time I hated nearly everything about my body. The things I focused on we small details of perceived perfection I wanted so desperately to achieve. Yet, no matter how much I forced my body to change, no matter how unkind I was to myself, using food and weight as my weapon, I did not grow to love my body any more. I grew to hate it more, to see my flaws as being bigger, more unmanageable, more important and glaringly obvious to everyone. How exhausting it was to fight a battle for years against myself and food, a battle I had no idea was impossible to win.
So, I thank my body and myself. Because today I am a person who has recovered from an eating disorder, and it is such an incredible thing to say!

Even if you have never suffered from an eating disorder or known someone who has, this week is important. We all face stigma, shame and “rules” about our bodies, beauty, and standards. Isn’t it an exhausting ride to be stuck on?
So, instead of trying to fit into some arbitrary ideal of beauty, which doesn’t truly exist, lets love ourselves. Lets love our bodies, even the parts we sometimes hide. Because our bodies love us, they are for us, they do everything in their power to take care of us. Lets thank our bodies with some well deserved love, and reap the benefits!

If you are concerned you or someone you care about might be struggling with eating or with their body image in some way, help them out by suggesting they take a screening and offer your support. Help is out there. Recovery exists. Here is the link to a free and confidential screening that you or someone you know can take online, click here.

For even more resources on Eating disorders, check out our map or go to “resources” and click “support by topic”

If you have ever struggled with an eating disorder, how are you doing these days? If you have found recovery, what helped you?
If you have never struggled with an eating disorder, in what ways do you struggle with your body? In what ways do you love your body?

Hey guys! September is recovery month- and that means that we get to celebrate the incredible changes our recovery has welcomed into our lives.
This is also our chance to reach out to those who are struggling, who have not yet realized how to begin the lifelong process of healing and growth.
In the wake of many recent overdoses and suicides, this is an incredible time to break stigma, celebrate life, and help those who are struggling.

What is the best thing in your life after recovery?

I am finally able to move towards the many goals I’ve had for years and years. When I was struggling, I knew I wanted to be different, I knew I wanted to go to school, to be happy, succeed, work, and more. Yet, I believed it wasn’t possible. I thought I was doomed to a life of “sickness”. And the times I tried, and wasn’t able to continue were only evidence of my inability to grow. Yet today, I am breaking the stigma attached to many of us. I am happily raising my daughter, going to school, and working- something that several years ago I thought would not be possible.

Share your hope and why you love recovery with us.

My quest to find mental health and stability has stretched over a period of years and years and years. I have no secret to happiness. I have not yet discovered all there is to know about my mental health.

And I think that’s the point.  

We are each on our own separate journeys that are made up of unique twists and turns. We all have faults. We all make mistakes. But what’s important is that we

push forward.

We keep going. We soldier on.

It was not an easy feat to come to terms with the fact that I live with a mental illness. It was not easy for me to first accept that my brain functioned in a different way than the “normal” teen. And it was not easy for me to accept that I live with my mental illness- my mental illness does not define me and it does not consume me.

That is a tough pill to swallow. (No pun intended. Okay, maybe a little pun intended.)

It is really, really, REALLY hard to accept who you are every single day of your life. I admire those who can and do. I admire those who have worked so hard to bring light to the fact that we are all different, we are all unique, we are all beautiful.

I have spent many days under the covers, not wanting to be a real person because I couldn’t accept who I was. I couldn’t accept that my mental illness was something I needed to learn to live with. I didn’t want it. I didn’t want to deal with it. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t have just been born “normal” – without this looming black cloud that I will never be able to get rid of.

I have come to a point in my life where I have realized that I am a person living with a mental illness. My Anxiety and my Depression do not define me. I am not Olivia, mentally ill. I am not Olivia, anxious. I am not Olivia, depressed.

I am Olivia, dancer.
I am Olivia, cat mom.
I am Olivia, teacher.
I am Olivia, sister, daughter, granddaughter, girlfriend, cousin, friend.

I am so much more than who I thought I was doomed to be because of my mental illnesses.

Today, I encourage you to look at yourself in the mirror, and be kind to you. You deserve kindness and compassion. And you deserve to know this: no one gets to decide your feelings. They are yours. They are real. They are valid.

You are valid.

You are not your mental illness.

Hi everybody! It’s National Eating Disorder Awareness Week!

So lets have an important conversation about a Eating disorders, which affects at least 30 million people in the United States. Yeah, 30 million men, women, boys, and girls. You don’t have to look or act a certain way to have an eating disorder, you don’t have to be a teenager, a girl, or look “sick”. Many people suffer silently with eating disorders; and I’m not just talking about anorexia and bulimia. Binge Eating Disorder (BED), Night-Eating Syndrome, Diabulimia, Orthorexia, Purging Disorder, Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID), PICA, Eating Disorders Not otherwise specified (EDNOS), and Rumination Disorder are some of the types of eating disorders. And they’re all serious. Every 62 minutes someone with an eating disorder dies, that’s one of the highest mortality rates of any mental illness, and ANYONE with an eating disorder can die.

But, help is out there. And people just like you get better. Every day, people  chose life, and begin their lifelong journey to recovery. Some days are hard, and some are great. But recovery is always worth it.

When I found out I was pregnant, I began my journey to recovery. Some days its a fight, but I know that I will never let my daughter see or hear me be hateful towards my body or anybody elses.

If you or anyone you know needs help with their eating disorder, click here to check out the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) website.

This time of year is hard for me.
Maybe it’s the cold, or the holidays, or the constant reminder of new beginnings which is really just a reminder of failures you have committed.
I don’t remember if it’s always been this hard to muddle through the days as it feels right now. Maybe it’s only felt like this for a few days, or weeks or months. Maybe it’s felt like this for years. I don’t know why I can’t remember. I probably could if I stopped all my thoughts and everything else coming and going through my body and mind, but I think that would take an extraordinary amount of effort, and energy, which I feel as though I have almost none of. Sometimes I crave the feeling of motivation. To be energized and excited by life, and feel the deep, strong push from within to do. Other times I want to curl up in my feelings and recede deeply within my sadness and heavy mind until all I can feel around me is the dull vibration of the world around me.
I think I’m depressed.
I think I need a break, or a vacation, or many, many long naps.
I think I need someone to come with big strong arms and grab hold of everything I carry, without asking, and just walk away from me.
I just want everything to stop for a while. I need either to suddenly become disgustingly happy or be given the grace to fall apart and become a dark oozing puddle.
And then I remember, I can’t. I can’t fall apart, and it’s not likely that I will soon be given a break or a vacation. It’s silly to imagine a giant lumberjack walking up to me and relieving me of everything I carry in my mind and body. Life will continue to relentlessly come towards me, and it won’t stop for a very very long time.
Maybe it would help me to be myself. Not mom, or employee, or friend. Just be me. Sit and listen to music and draw and do all the silly things that made my life important before I was too important to do them. I feel so far away from myself sometimes. Or, really, a lot of times.
It feels like I’m not Eliza anymore, and I never will be again; I’ll just be Mom forever and ever.
The pressure of being mom feels like too much some days. It feels like the pressure of starting a semester really strong. Making friends, doing homework, getting A’s, being liked by your teachers and yourself. And going and going and forgetting about yourself and everything else until suddenly you turn around and there’s a mountain behind you that’s been slowly building for weeks. And you see the mountain shake and falter and you run. But you can’t run fast enough, and you’re not strong enough to stop it from falling. So it does, and it crushes you. And all of a sudden you fail over and over again until that’s who you are; a failure. And you fail at school and life and work and so you decide giving up is much easier then disappointing anyone. It feels like I’m going and going- far past my tipping point, and I’m scared to turn around and see the mountain that’s built up behind me. I’m scared because I know if I look, I’ll see how close it is to tipping over. And I am scared to break; I’m scared to fail and give up. But how on Earth can I find the strength within to keep going?
Maybe it’s best not to wonder how on Earth I will get through. Maybe I should just blindly go forward. Like I did when I gave birth. Like I’ve done throughout my life. Maybe that’s how all the successful people do it; suffer silently while blindly trusting their own tremendous strength.
When I was a teenager, I did a lot of Yoga. It became a panacea to my issues. It helped me love my body, trust my strength, and feel physically and spiritually empowered. I remember one time I went to a Kundalini class- which I had never done before or even heard of. I had no idea the physical strain holding one pose for long periods would have on me. I remember being in a big class, with people I didn’t know, and a teacher I had never met. I was scared of the discomfort I began to feel. I remember saying to myself- give up- put your arms down and rest. At some point in the practice, I closed my eyes and realized that five seconds ago I felt like I could not physically continue, but I had. And I had done that continuously and unconsciously throughout the practice. It was empowering to realize the hidden strength I had. I remember talking myself through the pose- reminding myself that discomfort cannot and will not kill me. That I would not die from this discomfort- that no disaster would happen- the only possibility I was looking at was the one of falling out of a pose. So I kindly told myself that I was strong, that I could and would stay in this pose for as long as I physically could. I would not convince myself to give up, as I had silently been doing throughout my practice. And if I did fall out of a pose, or give in from unbearable discomfort, that I would not be ashamed or embarrassed. I promised myself I would be proud of making it farther than I had ever imagined.
In life, I have gone much further than I have imagined. I have lived. I have stopped cutting, and numbing myself with drugs and alcohol. I have been a mother, and a good one. I have made it another day, every single day, for the last 8,166 days. Through unimaginable pain, sadness, happiness, and anger I have made it. And today, I promise myself I will make it. And if I wake up tomorrow and decide I must give up, then I will allow myself to. But for the next hour, I promise myself I will make it. And tomorrow when I wake up I will promise myself to make it again and again.
And if I can’t love myself enough to do it for me, I will do it for my daughter.
And I will become stronger and happier and better.
And maybe not tomorrow or next week or next year, but someday I will be given a break and a vacation and everything else I want and need.