Recently I’ve been having a lot of issues when it comes to my body image. This is nothing new for me. I’ve talked a little bit about struggling with this in my blog post Getting Real About My Eating Disorder Recovery. It’s been over two years since I’ve written that post, but it’s still something that I struggle with.

I think one of the things that seems to nag me the most is the fact that my body is constantly evolving and it looks nothing like it did years ago. What’s interesting is that years ago I thought I was overweight. But, I’ve never been overweight, not even now. Yet, I am aware that I’m not as thin as I used to be AND aware of the fact that it’s a part of getting older. It’s normal and honestly, I’m at a healthier weight than I have been in years past.

Despite knowing all of this, I still find myself really hating my body. I feel super gross and I want to hide myself and my body. But then I’ll see pictures of myself and be actually shocked by how thin I look. Body image is weird like that.

In all honesty, I’ve been extremely stressed out for the last month and a half. I’ve been doing my best to try and eat because I know that’s something bodies need, but I’ve been so stressed out that I haven’t been as good about it as I should be. In other words, I’m not eating three meals a day. Due to this, I think I actually have unintentionally lost weight and just not really noticed. But, my clothes are all a bit big right now so I guess that’s evidence enough.

Honestly, I probably have body dysmorphia. There have been a lot of times where I haven’t wanted photos taken of me because I hate the way I look. I don’t want my body captured for anyone to look at. I spend a lot of time trying to hide my body in oversized clothes. When I shop for clothes, I literally will think to myself “I’m too fat for that.” I’m constantly comparing myself to others and having thoughts of how I can potentially make myself look like these people I’m comparing myself to. It can be mentally exhausting.

They say recovery isn’t linear and that it’s a life long journey. This is definitely one of those things that applies to. I have a lot of bad days, but there are definitely good days sprinkled in there. It definitely is worse when I’m already stressed out to the max.

I’m definitely working on it. I hate getting in front of the camera, but I push myself to do it. Honestly, I do it to prove to myself there’s nothing wrong with me and because I don’t want to end up with no pictures of myself to look back on just because I hate how I look. I really don’t take pictures of myself like I used to. It’s really sad that it’s due to just hating how I look. I don’t want to regret not taking pictures of myself. I experience so many things through traveling and I want to be able to look back at pictures of those memories.

-Kailey

Growing up, I was always self conscious about my body image. Primarily because family members would comment on my body. I either looked like a “fat cow” or was labeled “anorexic” even though I was in the middle of the chart. Regardless of my weight, I was over sexualized and received uncomfortable comments about my body. It has caused quite the issue that has contributed to a body image turmoil.

Food to Hide vs. Losing to Be Seen

At some point, food became my only comfort. I tried eating to hide even though I knew it wouldn’t make me feel any better. I ate to no longer be called anorexic or be made fun of for being a healthy weight. So, I ended up gaining 77lbs in one and a half years; ending up at 220lbs by the beginning of my freshman year of college. And yet, my efforts weren’t enough for certain family members. My body image was then taunted with disgust.

That has led to a point in my life where I unhealthily lost weight. I lost about 60lbs in 6 months due to depression, an unhealthy eating habit, and taking weight loss supplements. I felt shame in my weight loss journey while also feeling better about my body image.

Personal Realization

It took me a while to lose weight in a healthy manner. I told myself that I had to do it for myself and in a healthy way. It has led me to research how to healthily lose weight. This resulted in me trying intermittent fasting; tailored to my active times while incorporating balanced meals. Outside of my body changes, I noticed that my brain functioned a lot better when I was fasting. I was able to do homework during the day instead of only at night. My overall mood, energy and sleep was better.

In those moments, I began to understand what I put into my body matters, not my weight. I’m only healthy by engaging in healthy things. My body is beautiful regardless how it looks because my soul is beautiful.

Navigating My Body Image Today

Although I had that breakthrough, I still struggle with my body image. In response, I try to engage in healthy activity at least 5 times a week. First, I started with a goal of stretching everyday. Then, I set a goal of doing at least 20 sit ups a day. Which is where I’m at in my journey. Setting a smaller goal actually motivates me to do more. This is what I have been doing (depending on my mood):

• Jumping Jacks for 1 or 2 songs 
• 15 to 20 Push-Ups
• Air Punches for Half a Song
• SpongeBob Dance
• Arm Curls
• Glute Raises

There are days where I do all of the workouts on the list! There are days where I would do just one workout. I can say that all of this has been making me want to start jogging. My next goal is to start jogging at least once a week! When I do, I may give you all an update!

– Dez 🙂

I have no doubt that you’ve heard the phrase “summer body”. To most, a “summer body” is a skinny and well-toned body but I’m here to remind you that’s not true. All bodies are summer bodies but we’ve allowed the world around us to dictate what we should look like so we don’t always feel that way.

We can’t keep letting our culture decide whether or not our bodies are ready for the summer. We have grown up in a world where we believe that we aren’t beautiful simply because we’re not thin and don’t wear bikinis to show it all off. I’m here to tell you that that has to stop. Your body IS a summer body!

No worries if you’re still learning to love your body, it took me some time too. When I was overweight, I used to hate the summertime. I couldn’t wear what I wanted because I was so worried about what everyone else had to say. I didn’t have a summer body, so why was I going to show it off in a bikini? That’s the thing. I wasn’t. I let society bully me into believing that my body wasn’t good enough for the summer.

Eventually, I didn’t care anymore. I realized that my body could be a summer body if I wanted it to! I was overweight still but I’d finally decided to buy my first two piece bathing suit. Let me tell you, that was an emotional roller coaster. I was so happy to be wearing something that I felt confident in. For a moment, I thought to myself, why did I ever let someone tell me what I can look like for the summer. I mean, seriously? Why should we let someone else determine what we should look like in the summer, let alone any other season? Truth is, we shouldn’t. It’s not for the world to decide.

So, next time you’re wondering whether your body’s ready for summer, just say yes. It’s not anyone else’s choice to decide what your body should look like or what you should wear. You wanna wear a two piece? Do it. I bet you’ll great. Crop top and shorts but your pudge is showing? Who cares! It’s not their body. Do more of what makes you happy!

Check out SELF’s post Can We All Just Stop With Summer ‘Body Goals’? 🙂

Check out our podcast Body Image Struggles to hear about body image struggles and tips for dealing with negative self-talk!