What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with depression, social anxiety, self harm, suicidal idealization, emotional physical abuse, bullying, teen dating violence, and anorexia. It became too much when I turned 15. I was self harming, practicing unhealthy eating habits and and my current girlfriend was emotionally abusing me.(yes I am lesbian)I decided to give up. I attempted suicide. I was brought to the local ER. I was able to go home that night. The next day me and my mom got into a fight and she was very angry and said “I will throw you out of this car” and I stupidly said “do it”. That night I got taken to the ER again but that time i was there for 3 days in the crisis unit and was placed in an inpatient mental hospital. In there I attempted to kill myself again. Luckily the staff stopped it before I lost a lot of blood. A year later I am still recovering. I am 1 1/2 months clean.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

At first it was an intensive outpatient. It didn’t work.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

About 2 months ago. I changed therapists, I moved to DBT therapy which is working.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is currently really well. I have made so much progress I still have anxiety attacks and my depressed days. But I am clean.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

What I would say to someone struggling is it gets better. It will always get better. Nothing anyone says or does to you defines you. It is not worth your life. Your life is worth way more than you will ever know, And hurting yourself will also hurt others. People do care about you.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have lived what most would recognize as a charmed life. I am an only child, I have two loving and supportive parents who are still married. I went to good schools, I was involved in gifted programs throughout school and I have always seemed to thrive academically. But no one has ever really known my inner feelings of depression, loneliness, crippling anxiety and my excessive stress overload that I bring upon myself. I am now, 24 years old. Throughout my childhood years, I didn’t think life could possibly be better. I had friends, a great family, school. But inching into my young adult and now early 20’s a lot has happened to me and it has affected how I view myself, others and the world as a whole. I had never been one for dating in school. Boys didn’t interest me and my goals were too lofty to waste time on meaningless relationships. That was until I met my first boyfriend. Joe. We met when I was 19. He was it for me. I thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. Have kids. Live somewhere fabulous. But that dream came to a startling halt. He started showing signs of aggression and abuse. Being that I was always someone who wanted to help others, I stayed, despite the mental and sometimes physical abuse. It progressively got worse. I kept telling myself he would change. It would stop because he loved me so much, he would never seriously hurt me. Well, he did. The ending of our relationship was a physical altercation that ended in his arrest and me going to the hospital. If this wasn’t traumatic enough, I was also pregnant at the time. I would later miscarry that baby and that would start my downward spiral into depression. After this, I played it safe with dating. I dated a few guys here and there but nothing of any serious nature. Then, my current husband and I started dating. He has a very colorful past and little did I know it would come into play in our marriage. It has recently come out that he has cheated on me while he was away for work. We are trying to work through this indiscretion but I am finding that it is almost impossible to do. Aside from that, we are in the middle of a custody battle from hell. His mother, (biological), has had guardianship of his daughter since her birth mother passed away when she was just a baby. His mother was supposed to give his daughter back after he was fully rehabilitated from his addictions and bad behavior after the mother of his child passed away. Well, this did not happen. She withheld his child from him, and he has had to take her to court to get her guardianship terminated. This has proven to be the worst possible idea ever. She has repeatedly tried to get us to end our relationship, she has tried on numerous occasions to get my husband arrested by making false police claims. She is an awful woman. The last 5 years of my life have been horrible. Full of anger, hate, sadness, and guilt. I feel like I am falling down a rabbit hole that I just can’t get out of.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I had thought that counseling wasn’t for me. I had put it off for years. Due to the recent chaos between my husband and I and his family, we decided to try counseling together. I felt that it benefited us for the better, but after a while, we started making excuses and ended our sessions.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I haven’t experienced any turning points yet. I am waiting for karma and God to take the wheel from me and allow me to do what I have been doing and trust that things will get better eventually.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I recently got hired at my dream job, so that has been a plus. My husband was granted majority custody of his daughter for now and we have a final court date this next month to hopefully get our daughter back 100% of the time.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Everything happens for a reason. If it is taking longer for you to reach a goal, that is because it isn’t the right time for you to have it, or you haven’t put in the correct amount of work to acquire it yet. Just be patient. Your life has a plan and whether you believe in a higher power or not, just trust that your life will work out. Be open to happiness, stay true to yourself, don’t ever change for anyone, and love yourself first. Above everything and everyone else.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I was raped by my uncle and aunt when I was just a little girl. I struggled with it all my life. Couple years ago I decided it was time to tell my story. I knew if I wanted to get better it was time to tell my therapist what happened to me when I was a child.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I never told no one about it because my adopted mother did not believe me. So I figured if she did not believe me no one else would. It take years before I was able to tell my life story.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Yes because when I told my story yo my therapist I was in a group home and if I wanted to feel better and move on with my life. I had to do it. And how I live on my own. I do have staff that checks in on me.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is better then before. I been living on my own for 2 years and it feels good. And now I want to conquer the world and own my own cleaning business and down the road I might write my life story.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I do not know what to say. Because I do still struggle with issues in my life. Where sometimes I will go in and out the hospital for trying to commit suicide. I just told you half of my story there’s so much more to my life. One thing I have to say is if you went your past to stop haunting you you need to definitely trust somebody that you know that will help you and support you and your decisions that you make in your life. I just have to find the right person that I was going to feel comfortable with and talk about my story I promise you it is going to be very difficult it was extremely difficult just imagine this happened to you when you was a child and you’ve been holding it in for years after years I would say I’m 29 now and I told my story when I was about 25 so that’s how long I had held my stories in.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I struggled with being abused. The abuse was physical, mental and emotional. It became too much when I realized some people would never change.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I received support from my family and friends, it helped somewhat but it wasn’t enough to keep me away.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Things became better when I left my abuser.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is better I can say. No more stress, drama, and or any form of abuse. I’m a single mother working as a delivery driver and going to college for medical assisting and after I graduate I plan to do videography.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I’d probably say it takes one step at a time. You have to know when enough is enough for you and be strong enough to stick by it. I wish I would’ve known that a person such as him was out there and could reach someone like me. I wish I would’ve known ahead of time the signs to look for that meant ‘run for your life’

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I struggle with my relationship with my father but it took a turning point when he started being abusive. He hit me in the back of my head and one time saw me naked in the shower, despite me telling him don’t come in, and stared at my body and specifically one part of my body. He also has a temper and is unpredictable. He often made statements saying I can make your life hard or as he said it,” a living hell”. He once pinning my little sister to the wall choking her and when I intervened by  jumping on his back he threw me into an exercising machine. Afterwards he told us we should be lucky our stepmother stopped him or he would have hurt us and if I tried to basically defend myself from him I would regret it. Whenever he calls I start shaking uncontrollably and loose my appetite. I’m scared for me and my sisters well being and wish I could stay with my mom.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

The only support I had was my sisters. We weren’t with my mom, the courts didn’t even bother talking to us, our own attorney had an attitude with us and the night we were taken from my mom she had my sister in a choke hold, my sister’s face turning red, over a phone that my sister put in her shirt that the attorney dug in my sister’s shirt to take, and my therapists eventually stopped talking to me, saying she couldn’t help me.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

The only turning point is when he kicked me and my sister out and now me and my little sister live with my mom we he said our mom could have us back and now my mom is going to the courts so we can be with her. There is a paper where my mom and him make an agreement were we can visit both of them my mom is willing to sign it but he refuses despite us telling him it would be better.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life now is bitter sweet in a way. I live with my mom now and since I left my father, my depression has decreased greatly but, still when I get calls or text from my father I start to shake uncontrollably and loose my appetite and even sometimes use the bathroom more. Having to wonder what will happen being back to that house and when it would happen and what will I do and how I can protect my little sister from our abusive dad.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

For anybody that has a situation similar to me, my advice would be is to focus on your future and imagine a life where your only stress is minor bills and what to eat for dinner or what to wear. Where all your fears have vanished, and know soon once you hit 18 you’ll be free.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Don’t let people shun you if you ever been sexually assaulted, raped, etc. and if they do, they don’t know your story. They are not in your shoes and know what you been through.
It was a nice summer evening, the sun was still out but on its way down. I just moved into the Continuum of Care elp 1 facility. Continuum of care is a Supportive living program. Anyways. about exactly one week later I was sexually assaulted by a man who does not live there. I was sitting on my back steps just admiring everything when this man walk up, acted friendly. At first I didn’t think much of it because I thought he was a resident wanting to welcome me into the program, as many of the residents there did. Not long after, I began to feel uncomfortable when he pulled out a big bottle of booze and started touching me. People I told were like why didn’t you get up and leave, why did continue to let him hurt you? I kept trying to explain that I had froze. I couldn’t get up, I was too afraid. Maybe about a half hour later, he led me to the basement, holding my arm. I tried to pull away but he gripped harder. In the basement was the wort part of the assault. he stripped me and began to do things to me. I was so afraid, but I still couldn’t move, and I couldn’t scream. That was almost four years ago. he never was arrested. The cops made it seem like I was wanting it because I let him. and his girlfriend would taunt me and have him on the phone on speaker phone saying things because he did get banned from coming to the program. After, my experience, I went through so many different emotions. The one emotion that was concerning to myself and to the staff there was anger. Over the years previous to the assault I was also angry. But this time was different. I would throw glass, plates, you name it. I threw a chair once across the room and even flipped a heavy table. I was so angry because I was building up so much emotions from the assault. Eventually that anger led me to the observation unit at Yale New Haven Hospital many times.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

Over the course of the year after the assault, I went to IOP at Yale. I went to DBT to learn how to cope with my anger. I dropped both as I felt they weren’t helping. I just can’t sit for four hours at a time learning how to cope. There has to be another way. Ding Ding Ding. I began Volunteering at the local animal shelter. I was so surprised they accepted me because they said it could take months for a volunteer to get a call after the orientation. I got a call within a week. working with the dogs was making me feel better. I was still receiving treatment at the young adult program. But in addition, I was helping myself and these dogs. There was one day when I broke down crying while walking one of the dogs, a pit bull to be exact. Pit bulls have a very bad rap. Anyways, while I sat down and cried while holding the dog leash, the beautiful dog came up to me and kissed me. It wasn’t until then that maybe animals were the true therapy that I may have needed. Unfortunately I couldn’t have pets at the place I lived at so I continued to volunteer.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

After thanksgiving, two years ago, I moved into a different apartment complex, still part of continuum but a this time ELP2. I broke the no pets rule shortly after my best friend died, which was several months after I had moved into that place. I adopted two female guinea pigs. I was able to keep them due to my high anxiety, my ptsd that I developed after I was assaulted and the depression. I eventually got a doctors note from my psychiatrist stating that they were my emotional support animals. That was the best thing. I feel these girls saved my life as I was ready to give up on everything.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Now I have my very own apartment, not part of continuum. I still have my girls whom I spoil every day. I’m like, they help me in so many different ways, why not spoil them? I have a job and My anxiety level isn’t as high as it was before I got them. I am able to manage my anger a lot better. I still deal with anxiety, I’m not sure If I will have it the rest of my life. But I learned better, healthier coping skills.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

If you are struggling, it’s OK to fall down, everyone does. Just pick yourself back up and keep trying. Teach yourself new ways to cope, don’t give up because eventually you will find the right one. I wish that someone would tell me that everything will be OK. I wish I had more support in my life. But having these animals are the real support that I needed.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

When I was 12, I was diagnosed with manic depression and anxiety. 2012 was the year that would change me forever. It started out with becoming more and more isolated, not going to school, and not ever wanting to leave my house. I was 12 years old when the sexual abuse from my step-father started. This man was the same one that had raised me since I was 2. He was the only man I ever thought of as a father since my real dad was long gone by the time I was born.

It started out with touches, a little too close to my private parts, then it started with kisses and sneaking into my bedroom at night when my mom was asleep. I was terrified.He threatened my family against me, my brother and my sister and I figured, it was better that he did it to me, and not my younger siblings. It went on for 3 years after that. I started smoking cigarettes when I was 13, smoking pot at 14, 2 suicide attempts at 14, 3 when i was 15. I overdosed multiple times, dying only twice, only to be brought back.

I kept silent about my father, i wanted to protect my family and I felt embarrassed of myself, i didn’t know what to do or how to do it. I thought killing myself would end everything, so i tried, only to end up in a mental hospital for a couple weeks, then released back to my personal hell that no one knew about.

October 27, 2015 was another date that I tried to kill myself. I was unsuccessful. On the 30th while i was in the hospital, i let the secret slip about my dad. I wrote it down on paper and i told my doctors and things finally started to look up. I was so wrong. The same day i confessed to the sexual abuse i was put through, was the day that my dad killed himself in my family home. My mother was the one who told me. It was 2 days later when she found him, 2 days later when she told me at the hospital. I remember screaming the word no over and over again, crying until my face was purple.

I remember the nurses trying to comfort me but they couldn’t, they didn’t know how. I remember being so confused and hurt and angry. He got away with everything he did to me, and I had to suffer alone. I got out a couple weeks after that, and my family had lost our home due to the expenses of the funeral. We got onto welfare and had to move into an apartment, and it wasn’t too bad. Slowly, my mom started to turn cold and violent towards me, degrading me whenever she was angry, and leaving me to watch my younger two siblings.

It is now July, I have moved in with my grandma, who has always loved me no matter what, and who has always listened and believed me. I am 16, an age i thought i would never reach. Ive been diagnosed with PTSD, SAD and Bulimia on top of my manic depression and anxiety, but I’m taking medication and getting support from counselors. Nothing is easy, ever, but I am learning how to survive.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

At first the support i got was something that I would push away all I could. I hated the idea that I needed help, and I would refuse it at any point i could. Slowly, i stopped being so stubborn and i let them help me, and i feel much more stable now than what i did.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Recently I have started to eat better, do more meditation and exercise and I have started to talk to people more and get out of the house. Moving in with my grandma was also a huge turning point. I feel like I am in a safer environment now than what I was with my Mother.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Well, I am now producing an album coming out august of 2017, and I am just, so excited that I have the ability to do this. I am so proud of myself for pushing myself towards this future.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I wish I knew that the only thing holding me back, was myself. I was the one stopping myself from truly living, and I wish I had never limited myself to staying home and sulking in my sadness and wondering why my life was like this. Go out there, and make friends, do stupid things and be a little reckless. Just live.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I was sexually abused by my step father for 9 years. Starting from when I was 11 years old and continued until I was 20 years old. My biggest struggle was that because he took me in, I had to do what he said. Nothing is free in this world, and you have to pay a price to eat, buy clothes, go out and have fun. So I started working at age 14, but even then he would find a way to make me do what he wanted. He was two different people. In the day he was a father, to my brothers and sisters and me. But at night he was this person that would tell me, he is a man and I am a woman and that’s what adults do . I started paying rent and buying my own things just so it could stop and it did for a few months but then one night he got drunk and came into my room, I was 20 years old. That night I left his house. He was my father and my own father hurt me…. There was no turning back, I was to afraid to tell my brothers and sisters. And when I was leaving he said he would kill himself if I told them…. I never said a word to my family.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I didn’t have support I turned my back on all my family. Shortly after that I found a church that helped me to cope with my anger and sadness without asking so many questions. It helped me to forgive him and move on. I went back to my family, and my step dad asked me to forgive him.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

After I reconnected with my family, I felt less lost and I felt a sense of peace. I knew I was stronger and I felt stronger. I found a person that accepted me and worked with me through my issues . At that point I felt like things were looking up.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I am happily married and I am pregnant. I couldn’t be happier to start my new family with a man that loves me and I him. I graduated Cal State Fullerton with my BA in Criminology. I work with at risks students and I love it. I am working towards being a great mother to my kid and raise him with what I never had.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I would tell them to never give up. You choose your future, And no one deserves to take away your happiness. What helped me was to forgive. I wish I knew that what was happening to me and what I was doing with my Step dad was wrong and that I didn’t have to do it or stay quiet. I wish I told someone, Even if they wouldn’t have believed me. As a child you don’t owe anything to anyone and no one has the right to take your child hood that way. Speak out!

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I was a victim of sexual abuse for 7 years, beginning at the age of 6. My abuser would often threaten my life and tell me he could get away with murder if he had to, to keep me quiet. After he left my family behind, I found out he had molested another girl, 6 years old – the same as myself when he first got his hands on me. I knew I had to come forward and tell me story, despite fearing for my life.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I saw a therapist through a childrens’ advocate agency. I hated going, and I hated talking about what happened to me, because for my entire life, I lived like that portion of my childhood didn’t exist.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I began to do a type of therapy called EMDR roughly 8 months after starting therapy. It helps the mind to process traumatic memories from the short term memory to the long term, and to help you process them and move past the trauma. At first I thought it was ridiculous and I was still so reluctant to recall anything willingly, but looking back, I think it really helped me to gain strength and move on with my life. I no longer live in fear day to day.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I’m a very successful nurse in a loving relationship. I’ve never been happier, I’m no longer afraid, and I’ve moved past being a victim to just being me. My past no longer defines me.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

It’s never going to be easy. Getting help is not easy, and talking about what happened is never easy – but you have to do it, no matter how long it takes. That’s the only way to gain control of your life.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Growing up in my home environment was a difficult thing for me to do. My brother, who is six years older than I am, is mentally unstable and would become very violent very often. Many times he would attack my parents and I, leaving us bruised, me with broken bones, my mother crying, holding her head in her arms. This became a routine and as he became older the violence intensified. Weapons were brought into the home, leading to random police raids at odd hours. It was my duty as a young girl to notice the signs of my brothers aggression, run and grab the house phone, lock myself in my room, and call the police for help. No one knew though, that while all the violence was going on and I had to be the caretaker. I was dying on the inside because my brother had not only been beating me physically, but had been sexually abusing me for years as well. Upon his release, I saw the aftermath of him stabbing our aunt 8 times and leaving her unresponsive, He’s also gone after our father and I with a knife with the intent to end our lives. I’ve witnessed my mother try to take her own life on several occasions. Due to all of this, I have personally struggled with PTSD, depression and other problems and have tried to commit suicide many times in the past.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

The first step that I took to get help was when I was 14, and it was in the way of inpatient psychiatric hospitalization. It is my opinion that all of my treatments since then have helped shape me into who I have become as a whole today.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Things started to get better for me when I found a place that I felt safe enough to be myself wholeheartedly. I had no fears of being judged, hurt, abused- but rather supported.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

It is at this point in my life where I can honestly say that I feel most self sufficient. I am proud of myself for choosing life over everything else; for choosing wellness, success. I am currently working as an operator for a young adult Warmline in CT and I feel good that I am in a position to give back to the community.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I’d say that no matter how dark that tunnel may seem or how long the rain lasts, it will be sunny eventually. Also, when you are on a good stretch and have been doing good for quite some time and hit a bump in the road it does NOT mean you have to go all the way back to start. It just means that you hit a speed bump, So get up, shake the dirt off your clothes and keep moving forward.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

When I was around 8 years old, a family member began sexually assaulting me. Every night I was subjected to abuse. Eventually after almost 3 years I came forward. But instead of having the support of my family, I was ostracized and treated as a pariah.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I got no support. I had to help myself no matter how difficult . I went through deep depression and multiple suicide attempts, and eventually ended up in therapy. The therapy has been effective.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I met my boyfriend of a year and a half. Hes been nothing but supportive and loving.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I am working on having a stable relationship with a partner and being happy and confident in myself.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

It always gets better. No matter who says different.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

PTSD after sexual assault and 27 surgeries. I grew up thinking an “illness” was either fever or croup. Illness was a stuffy nose — a sick-day, an excuse to miss a day of school. At 18 years old, “illness” took on an entirely different meaning. Illness meant waking up from a coma, learning that my stomach exploded, I had no digestive system and I was to be stabilized with IV nutrition until surgeons could figure out how to put me back together again. Illness meant a life forever out of my control and a body I didn’t recognize. My body never went back to normal. With no other alternative, I learned how to accommodate it and embrace it for the amazing things its extraordinary resilience.

I was shocked and saddened that I could never get my old, unwounded body back. But what really startled me was realizing what had happened to my mind.

PTSD. I had never heard those letters put together before. I knew what “trauma” was, but I didn’t know it could cause so much internal dis-ease and dis-order — illness that I couldn’t see.

But that was the biggest shock to me — waking up in a new body and a new mind, troubled by Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

The PTSD term for finding healthy coping skills is “self-soothing.” To live a healthy thriving life, I’ve had to befriend my past, embrace my experience, and express what had happened to me. I needed to tell my story in order to heal. But first, I had to hear my story for myself, rather than avoid it.. Once I learned how to hear my own heart-shattering story, and feel the pain, the frustration, the anger, and ultimately, the gratitude, I was able to speak to it. I was able to gently teach myself how to live in the present moment rather than in the world of the trauma.

Healing didn’t come all at once. Every day I tried to face a memory a bit more. I called it “dipping my toes” in my trauma. Finally, I could put words to my grief. I was able to write, “I am hurting.”

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

As soon as I was able to write words like “sadness” and “pain”, I allowed myself to explore them. Soon, I couldn’t stop the words that flowed out of me. My memories started to empower me, and I wrote with feverish purpose.

I started to journal compulsively for hours as every memory appeared in my mind. Soon, the words couldn’t do justice to my traumatic experience – I needed a bigger container. I turned to art, drawing, scribbling. I filled pages with teardrops, lightening bolts and broken hearts. For me, creativity became a lifeline – a release. It was a way to express things that were too overwhelming for words. Expression was my way of self-soothing.

Once expression helped me face my own story, I was able to share it. And the day I first shared my story with someone else, I realized I wasn’t alone. There were others that had been through trauma and life-shattering events. And there were also people who had been through the twists and turns of every day life. Being able to share my story emboldened me with a newfound strength and the knowledge that terrible things happen, and if other people can bounce back, then so can I.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My perspective on illness has changed since my days of “croup”, and it’s also changed since my last surgical intervention. I’ve learned that illness isn’t always in the physical scars. I’ve learned that some wounds aren’t visible, and some wounds even we don’t know we have, until we choose to take care of them. But I’ve also learned that I’m resilient, strong, broken and put together again, differently, yet even more beautiful – like a mosaic. I wrote a one woman musical about my life, Gutless & Grateful, that Ive been touring across the country as a mental health and sexual assault awareness program for colleges. As a survivor and “thriver” of nearly 30 surgeries, a coma, and a decade of medical trauma, I have been challenged with moments of extreme difficulty. But as an artist, newlywed, actress, 28-year old college student and overall lover of life, I’ve learned so much from this beautiful detour.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

You don’t know what you’re capable of until you’re tested, so just trust that you are capable of anything and you’ll get through. It can get better.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

A brief background about myself, I am from Hong Kong, and now I am living alone in Canada. Everything began since April 2004, I was diagnosed with Depression and General Anxiety Disorder, those were the darkest days in my life. I still did not believe that I can deal with it until now. I was from a culture which is competitive. People judge and compare each other. Bully the worse and be the best. I was one of the person who got bulled since I was 10, because my marks were on 60-70s. People laughed at me and pushed me into the corner to hit me. I was so stressed and under pressure. After bad days in my school, when I came home I had to face another stress from my parents. I could not even cry a single tear because I would get kicked out of the house, my relatives judged me as a monster, trash of humility. I did not know how to relieve my stress and pressure. I felt so helpless. To be honest with you guys, I got raped when I was 14 but I did not tell anyone. I have seen myself as dirty, unclean and evil. I tried to jump off from the roof of the building  (it was around 32 floors high), and got hospitalized immediately. This was the beginning of my depression and GAD. I did not go to school for almost 2 years, but I missed out so many parts of my life and my childhood, I had been hospitalized for a long time, so I did not even know how to talk to others or even did any activities.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

At first, I had been assigned to see a psychologist and psychiatrist. It was quite helpless since my psychologist kept changing all the time and it was totally NOT FUN to speak about my problems all over and over again. And then, I started joining school counselor and family therapist. They were really helpful to me and gave me a great opportunity to speak up to my parents about how I feel. My school counselor encouraged me to go to school by giving me one poker card every time I went to school, it was  great parents for me and it also started giving my hope about life when I saw how beautiful those poker cards are, they were themes of UK London buildings and scenes. I have been playing music since I was 2 years old, but due to illness, I did not have a chance to pick it up again until I had been in a creative high school where I was focused on music and design major. Music gave me so much energy and I composed my first new song since I was 17, about myself that time. It was a huge accomplishment for me in my life until now.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I have had 7 times of attempted suicide before in my life. I was so negative and I always felt like I am in prison which no one even visited me, no one remembered my birthday, no one to be with me at Christmas. When I saw how people were being happy on the TV, my heart was painful as hell. I could not even know how could I still live in this world. After one of the big turning point that made me stop having suicidal thoughts, which my FIRST BEST friend in my life since I was 18 completed suicide. She had Schizophrenia. I was the last one in her contact number, so I was forced to have a mini interview with police and such. They gave me so much pressure, I felt so guilty about not helping her out and left her alone to deal with problems. I shouted and screamed, pulled many of my hairs out, and the hospital sent me towards a personal ward. All people said I was crazy, I would not be normal again. But YES, this trauma made me stop suicide because I knew how pain it was that person who left off in this world. I still working on this trauma until now, but I really hope I am get over it and just remembered positive things from my friend. The other turning point in my life is I diagnosed cancer on my leg, I was so depressed that time which I thought my life may end here. I did three operations on my leg and I could not run and would not jump anymore in my life. I moved to another ward which always gave me shots and screen which made me pain and dizzy, felt cold and hopeless all the time. I started understand how life precious and how should I treasure the rest of my life IF I have time. and luckily I have been cured of cancer and now I moved to another country to continue my studies.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My dream is to be a musician because it is what I love the most in my life. and after my experience, I am planning to be a music therapist in the future, if I have money to continue my study. I am still so surprised I was never been able to attend 50% of school until 20, and now I could managed to go to school everyday. Now I am studying last year double major in Psychology and Thanatology, (Thanatology is a study about death.) Both are heavy to me to be honest, and most of the topics that I studied triggered my emotions a lot. Many people in my life challenged me that I would not be able to finish my degree, because they are just too heavy for me, but lucky I am a STUBBORN person haha. I would not give up that easily and I wanted to show others that, even I have been through a lot, I can still achieved something in my life! I can complete so much stuff right now, being in a new country alone, I study and work at the same time, being a chef assistant and emotional support coordinator intern. I will try my best to apply for Canadian citizenship but I hope I can assist people who has mental illness and disabilities the rest of my life.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, today is a gift, that’s why it calls present.” I am sure many people heard about it and this means a lot to me. Worrying about the past and future is not working. Doing meditation may help you to focus on present, right now, on earth. Feel you feet stand on the ground heavily, you are still here. You are here and alive, you are the precious gift in this world. Mental illness does not mean you have dumb, useless, evil, trash in your life, It gives you a better story, a brighter future than other peoples do. I do not mind help others more with their problems, since my experience gave me so much empathy that I am easily stand on other people’s shoes and I wish everyone who is dealing with illness like ME be happy and I am in the same boat and with you all!

How did it all start? When did you first start experiencing symptoms or using?

When I was 10, I was just standing by the road and thought about crossing the street in front of a car, on purpose.

When I was 18 or 19 things really started falling apart fast. I had issues with self-esteem and feeling safe and a lot of anxiety. I’d go outside and I was dorming at the time, and I almost expected the characters from a TV show to come out of the woodwork from around buildings. I knew they weren’t going to, I wasn’t seeing things, but I was struggling to keep things real. I couldn’t sleep for more than 4 hours for the last three weeks before I went into the hospital when I was 19. I would isolate a lot, I felt lonely.

Getting the diagnosis was sort of a validation of what I have: It’s a something!

What kind of help did you get at first? Did it work?

When I was 14 I came out to my mother as being a survivor of childhood sexual assault, so we found a counselor. From that point until I was about 20, I would start and stop therapy based on, “well, now my anxieties and my insecurities and my problems relating to PTSD are flaring up,” or “I’m in a new place, so I’ll seek therapy and I’ll tell them my six-word memoir.” Then I wouldn’t know what else to do.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

When I was 19 there was an interview process [with a therapist] that had never happened before. It was sort of a revelation to put all of these pieces together finally. She was asking me concrete questions about suicide ideation, history of self-harm, delusions. I had never been asked before. It helped me find out what I was dealing with so I could know what I wanted to do about it.

I saw her a few times and then I erupted at my dad over something that he thought was really not a big deal, and I laid it out for him: I am not just being sensitive, I am not just being like my mom, whatever the hell that means anyway because at that point they were divorced! I told him that I had my first experience with suicide ideation when I was 10 years old and I’ve never done anything about it in terms of resolving or figuring it out or anything, and I laid it out for him and he sat there quietly and said “OK. Well, I’m going to make some phone calls and we’re going to figure out what to do because whatever you’re doing isn’t working.” So he gave me information for a psychologist and she had me crying inside of twenty minutes, balling my eyes out, and she suggested inpatient or intensive outpatient, and I said that would be okay….

I got effective treatment in the hospital. I was in there and everyone I spoke with, the other patients, said that they wanted to get out … [but] I’d been dealing with symptoms for 10 years and hadn’t gotten anything to work. So I went in there and I said “I’m not leaving until you do your damn job.”

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I’m working full-time, which I’ve never done before. I’ve graduated from community college, which I’ve been chipping away at for a long time. I’ve completed different trainings, some for me to get stronger and some for me to help other people in the same boat. I feel safe where I’m living, though I’m not living on my own yet—that’s a goal of mine. I go on adventures into the city, and I have a circle of very close friends. I have a good relationship with both of my parents, which for a while was an issue. I feel stronger.

I still have days where things don’t go the way I want them to, but I handle it a lot better and I do what I need so that I don’t fall apart like I used to. Right now I’m titrating off my psych meds with the support of my psychiatrist, to see if I can be okay without them—‘cause I’ve got a lot more coping skills and a better support network than when I started seven years ago.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier?

I would definitely want to say: you are allowed to have bad days, and you deserve to have good days.

I would say: your provider works for you! It is their job to help you achieve and maintain wellness, and if they’re not doing that, find someone else who will. Ask questions, like “what should I expect from seeing you,” “what should I expect from treatment,” “what goals do you think I should be setting,” “what will it look like when I’m ready to be discharged. “

To family members, I would say: trust that [the person who’s struggling] is trying their hardest. And read a lot! Do research. Don’t be afraid of doing research and coming back and saying, “what do you think? Does this reflect your experience?”

Keep in mind [that your family] may very well have the best of intentions but they are not the authority. They’re trying the best way they know how.