What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with a lot. I feel like they’re all sort of interconnected. I used to blame myself, my thought being that I was just weak. I would tell myself other people have been through so much worse, how can I be so depressed and anxious? But now I realize that it’s not that I was weak. Everyone responds to their traumas differently. I’ve realized how strong I am because honestly, I have been through so much, but I still keep pushing forward everyday, even when I really don’t want to.

I’ve struggled with disordered eating. I felt like I had no control over anything in my life, but starving myself and skipping meals was something I could control. It was never so much about my weight because I have been small my entire life. It was really about grasping onto the control it made me feel like I had. As I got older, starving myself became a way to physically harm myself because I just really felt like I deserved to suffer. That was something I struggled with on and off from middle school through college. There are still days where I unintentionally don’t eat because my body’s regular hunger signals are all over the place from years of disordered eating.

Another thing I have really struggled with is depression. I’ve had thoughts of suicide since I was probably in middle school. I was in middle school writing suicide notes and stuffing them in between my mattress and boxspring. I would plot and plan, but I never did anything. It wasn’t always that I actually wanted to die and be completely done. I just wanted to escape the situation I was in and that seemed like the only way. There are days I don’t want to get out of bed. There are days I want to just sleep. There are days I can’t stop crying throughout the day. I would literally be at work or in class with tears silently streaming down my face. The depression doesn’t come around as much as it used to, but I do still struggle. Despite what people might tell you, recovery isn’t linear. It’s okay to have good and bad days, it happens. Life can’t be like the fairytales, bad things happen and it’s okay to react to them.

Another thing I have had issues with is my anxiety. I don’t think I had ever really had full blow anxiety until I was in college, but that also might just be when I really recognized it for what it was. When I was in college, there was one drunken night when I made one of the worst decisions of my life. Someone offered me a pill (Red Bull, it was MDMA) and they told me it would make me happy (I was really depressed because my best friend had just attempted suicide and she had almost completed). Drunk me decided it was a great idea.

I had a horrible trip. I was screaming and throwing myself up the walls in a bed. By the end of the night my hair was in a giant knot from throwing myself around. It was after that night that I started to have issues with anxiety. Drugs like MDMA are meant to significantly spike serotonin, a chemical in the brain that’s makes you feel good. The issue is, after taking it, it depletes it and causes psychological effects. When the anxiety got really bad, I finally had to tell my mom what I did and she took me to a special naturopathic doctor where I ran tests to see how chemically imbalanced my brain was so I could take things to try and balance it out.

A few months after the incident, I had my first panic attack. I had no idea what it was, so naturally, I thought I was dying. Increased heart rate, extreme feeling of impending doom…I felt like if I stopped moving, I was going to die. I was convinced I was having a heart attack or something and that I was going to drop dead. I was at work and I eventually called my friend to get me from work and I wanted her to take me to the hospital, but she knew it was a panic attack and she was able to calm me down.

One of the things nobody tells you about anxiety is that it’s more than just feeling nervous. For me, it’s the physical symptoms that really get me because they really can be associated with real medical issues that might be life threatening. For me, my heart races, I get shortness of breath, my hands become numb, I feel nauseous, I get GI issues, I clench my teeth, and I’m sure there’s things I’m forgetting. And of course, these physical symptoms cause my anxiety to heighten. I would be in class or at work experiencing these symptoms and for people who don’t understand, it’s hard to be like hey I’m not okay and I can’t be here right now. One time I literally forced my doctor to give me an x-ray of my lungs because of the physical symptom shortness of breath. The x-ray came back and showed nothing was wrong and she suggested I see a therapist.

For a short period of time, I turned to substances to try and block everything out. It was a way to make myself numb. I wasn’t drinking and smoking just for fun. Honestly, a lot of the time I was doing it alone. I liked to drink or get high to the point where I was just a vegetable. I just didn’t want to feel anything. It was easier than being sober where my thoughts were running wild. This period didn’t last that long, and I’m sure my body thanks me for that. I chose to be completely sober a couple of years ago because I just knew having issues with depression and anxiety, I would try and turn to substances to try and make myself numb and I would take it too far.

At one point I started smoking cigarettes and to be completely honest it was another way of me just trying to harm myself. It’s horrible, but I was like I hope I get cancer and die a slow painful death. My reasoning? I felt like I deserved it. News flash, I don’t deserve it. Thankfully the cigarette smoking didn’t last long either.

At some point in college, I was getting really bad and I went to a therapist. I was barely functioning and it was effecting my school and work. I remember she diagnosed me with PTSD. I checked almost all of the boxes. I didn’t want to face it, and I stopped going to see her shortly after. Digging deep was bringing up stuff I didn’t want to remember and it was making me even worse emotionally to the point where I was crying what felt like 24/7.

Looking back now, I’m going to assume what she actually meant I had is CPTSD, not that that’s any better than just regular ole PTSD. Mine wasn’t from just one traumatic event, but from repeated trauma over YEARS. There are a lot of things that trigger me that don’t make sense to those around me because my brain was literally wired by trauma. I had to do a lot of things to try and protect myself growing up. It’s something I definitely try to work on, but there are so many things I have just buried deep down that a lot of my reactions to things that shouldn’t be issues are subconscious.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

When I was a freshman in college, my friend pushed me to go to CAPS (Counseling and Psychological Services) for therapy. I went in the spring semester and it worked. I figured I would be good to go for life, but man was I wrong.

I ended up going back my sophomore year, but I got a new intern. I felt like she was judging me (I was kind of spiraling and making just all around really bad decisions). I would tell her something, and I could just see in her face that she was thinking what is wrong with this girl. Honestly, it made me feel worse. I finished therapy through the semester and then I stopped thinking I was cured. Wrong again.

When I pulled myself out of school before the start of my junior year, I went to CAPS again and demanded they give me someone who wasn’t just an intern because I felt like I had way too many issues for the interns to help with. It was there that we decided I wouldn’t go to school that semester and one of the therapists there referred me to Sound Community in New London, CT to do a Dual Diagnosis Program.

The Dual Diagnosis was for people with substance abuse issues and mental health issues. It was a group therapy type thing. I was 20 at the time and I was the youngest one there. The adults loved me though, and there was one woman who told me I reminded her of her daughter. Another would draw me things. We were taught coping skills and just overall educated. We had worksheets and we did projects. I really learned a lot while I was there. I graduated the program sometime in October and I went into individual therapy with one of the people who led the group.

I absolutely loved my therapist I had been assigned. It felt like she really understood me. I was comfortable sharing everything and anything with her. She really helped me so much. I stopped seeing her when they made some changes and the group social workers couldn’t have individual clients anymore. We both agreed that I was ready and I was a lot better than when I first entered the program. Having a therapist you really connect with is SO IMPORTANT. If you don’t feel like you click with your therapist, absolutely try and look for another one because it will make a huge difference.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I graduated from college in August of 2020, five years after starting college in Fall of 2015. I graduated with a degree in New Media Studies with a concentration in Integrated Communication Media.

When I was in college, I started a blog called https://combatinganxiety.com/ as my senior project, I feel that sharing my story is really important for people that are struggling. It’s nice to know that you’re not alone. I share my story to try and help end the stigma. Discussing mental health should not be a taboo.

I have been working for my mom’s blog since 2015 and I really like the work. This summer I took a food photography course and I now take photos for her recipe posts! It’s really cool getting to see my photos published on her site and her social media.

2020 was rough, but it gave me time to really do things I wanted to do (I had been working multiple jobs and going to school for years and the pandemic gave me a break from that life). I really got back into photography and it has been great for my mental health going out hiking with my camera. I’ve also become a bit of a crazy bird lady and I love sharing my bird photos with others who love them as much as I do!

My biggest accomplishment to date is becoming Turning Point CT’s newest team member. I am now their social media assistant! This is my first job I have taken since I have graduated and I am so happy to be a part of something and to help make a difference!

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Well for one, you are NOT alone!

Second, recovery is by no means linear. You can’t expect to just be happy all the time and not depressed or anxious or struggling. You absolutely cannot beat yourself up if you’re having a hard time in your recovery. It just isn’t helpful to beat yourself up. Acknowledge those feelings and try and figure out why you’re feeling those things. Acknowledging those feelings is much better than just shoving everything down.

Third, there are so many resources out there! The internet makes access to information so easy. Social media is a great way to connect with others that may be going through similar things.

Lastly – Hang in there!

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with depression, social anxiety, self harm, suicidal idealization, emotional physical abuse, bullying, teen dating violence, and anorexia. It became too much when I turned 15. I was self harming, practicing unhealthy eating habits and and my current girlfriend was emotionally abusing me.(yes I am lesbian)I decided to give up. I attempted suicide. I was brought to the local ER. I was able to go home that night. The next day me and my mom got into a fight and she was very angry and said “I will throw you out of this car” and I stupidly said “do it”. That night I got taken to the ER again but that time i was there for 3 days in the crisis unit and was placed in an inpatient mental hospital. In there I attempted to kill myself again. Luckily the staff stopped it before I lost a lot of blood. A year later I am still recovering. I am 1 1/2 months clean.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

At first it was an intensive outpatient. It didn’t work.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

About 2 months ago. I changed therapists, I moved to DBT therapy which is working.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is currently really well. I have made so much progress I still have anxiety attacks and my depressed days. But I am clean.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

What I would say to someone struggling is it gets better. It will always get better. Nothing anyone says or does to you defines you. It is not worth your life. Your life is worth way more than you will ever know, And hurting yourself will also hurt others. People do care about you.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I struggled with depression, anxiety, and self harm growing up. I can honestly say that I am so much better and I am in a better place than where I was before. I’m still struggling with anxiety but not as much as I was.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

At first I didn’t really get any support or help with dealing with all of it. My friends didn’t know or notice something was wrong and I wasn’t doing well, my family didn’t really notice. I just felt really alone and didn’t know whats to do.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

The turning points of my life were being a part of the musical at my school and being a part of the SMART Recovery group. These turning points really helped me because when I joined the play, I met a lot of new friends and one of my friends noticed that I was struggling and she was always there for me to open up to her and other people more and she was always there for me to talk to during and even after school. The SMART Recovery group gave me a place to come to learn how to deal with everything and and gave me a really good support and I learned how to cope with everything. I’m so glad that i heard about this in school and met one of the facilitators.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life now is so much better. I am so comfortable to talk to more and more people, I can make friends easily now, and I haven’t thought about self harming in so long. Now I’m helping other people at my school who are struggling and just checking in on them.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I would say if you are struggling, find that one person that you can talk to and tell anything to and open up to them and have a deep conversation about what you are dealing with. It feels like a weight is lifted off of your shoulders once you have shared and talked about your feelings as cheesy as that may sound lol.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I struggled with social anxiety, depression, and self harm (for a short time). Most of my struggles starts in school. I’m an average person in people’s eyes, but I struggle to make myself believe I am. I have very low self-esteem which makes concentration hard and even harder to answer the simple “Are you Alright?” or “Are you okay?” questions. It’s like 2 different sides, one is me on the outside saying “I’m fine”, the other is crying and dying on the inside trying to find a way to escape

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I have support from my *very* small group of friends. But it isn’t easy to get support when no one really has the time to actually talk. My only other person I can talk to for support is my boyfriend, but it’s kinda hard when he is around 700 miles away.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

When I really had enough I went to get help from my friends. I also went to SMART Recovery groups to be with people who have similar issues and it finally feels like I’m not the only one

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Get the help you really need! There is someone who will listen and always someone who will care.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I struggled with child hood abuse, social anxiety, depression, and self harm

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

At first I went to my friends that I trusted. They helped me to stop self harm for the first time but did not help when I relapsed.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

When I was 13 my mom found my blade under my bed and got me the help I needed by getting a therapist.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Today I am still struggling with my social anxiety and self harm but my depression is not as bad and I got adopted by my 2 wonderful moms.I’m so much better that 3 years ago.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Just fight and stay strong. You will get through it

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What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

From the age of 13 I began to combat developing feelings of Depression and Generalized Anxiety. I grew up in an Upper-Middle class family, in a nice area, I had loving parents that got along and followed the rules. However, regardless of my fortunate atmosphere I started to feel things I’d never felt before. Following were self-mutilation, sleep deprivation, and good ol’ Psychiatric Hospitalization. It was a progressive disease developing in my head in which I had perceived was slowly rotting my brain. A hopeless case of defeat in which there would never be a cure for the sickness in my brain. I was introduced to Marijuana around the age of 14, and boy did that help me out. If I was bored, I could smoke, if I was mad or sad, I could smoke, if I was happy, then let’s smoke!!! Like any other teen I had my justifications, “It’s a plant, they use it for cancer, it evokes creativity, it’s going to be legal soon”, I didn’t understand that without it, I was defenseless against my thinking disease, and in the process unleashed a new one, the disease of addiction. I told myself the boundaries were limited to pot, my addiction told me that it was okay to drink, use tobacco, do whip-its, and then gradually intensified from there. If I didn’t have a way to get high I needed to find a way to, I started rummaging through family member’s pill cabinets, swallowing painkillers and muscle relaxers, stealing money from family to feed my addiction. Of course, at the time I was under no impression at all that I may have any sort of “substance abuse” problem. People told me I did but i didn’t see what the big deal was, I was just doing it for fun, I was just doing it because I like the way it felt, why can’t everyone just get off my back?! Well little did I know, the absence of drugs would push holes into my brain and heart, and when i would get high again it was to temporarily fill those holes for the time being. My diseases progressed with time, morphing into one evil that was separate from myself, a being that took over me, that was very clearly who I had been or was on the inside. My imagination took a sharp turn into sadistic thoughts powered by nihilism. I began to imagine different scenarios of me killing myself, every, single, day. This escalated until I found any excuse to get high, because it’s the only state I felt comfortable in.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Unfortunately for most teenagers and young adults, we are all very ignorant in our ways still, and it usually takes a significant event to change our minds about something. For me, it was the way my actions through using drugs (and alcohol) affected the people around me. It took a while, and those people got hurt so many times, but eventually I began to experience the feelings of selflessness. The pain that I caused around me opened up my eyes and allowed me to finally realize that I wasn’t the only one who was affected by my using. From there, I knew it was time to address my addiction.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life, is amazing now, I would have never imagined making the process I have so far in the short amount of time that I’ve put work into “recovery”. My mood is much more stable, I struggle with depression and anxiety MUCH less and at VERY little amounts of intensity. I can be trusted by my family and friends again. I don’t have to worry about leaving my phone out unattended. I’m so proud of myself for making a turn around in my life, especially being only 17.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Empowerment, you need to feel powerful. You need to gain a sense of control over your life, you need to feel confident in the words “I can do this”. Sometimes you need to hype yourself up, sometimes you have to listen to some energizing music, or drink caffeine, or sometimes….you just need someone to give a pep talk for you. I still do it all the time, “Hey Rob, I know this is gonna sound weird, but can you give me a little pep talk? I need somethin to get me goin”.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Ever since I was a five years old I always struggled with communicating with people and performing basic tasks. whether it was in school or out in the community I always had trouble fitting in. My peers did not want to be around me and a majority of them bullied me to the point where I would not want to go to school or even leave the house.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I never had any support growing up. I struggled for years without asking for any help. I was convinced to believe that everything happening to me was my fault. When I was thirteen I was always thinking about harming myself and could never sleep at night. I was always feeling sick to my stomach which I believe had to do with how I was feeling emotionally. Eventually when I turned nineteen I was able to find support in my area. The place was called BHcare. They had therapists and case managers who assist people struggling with mental illness. I never opened up to anyone throughout my childhood and teen hood. because I never trusted anybody. But as I started opening up to my therapist I started feeling better I felt like I found someone who won’t judge me or bully me.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

After about a year I found a job that I loved, I built good healthy relationships and started going to college. I felt as though I can be myself and not worry about what everyone else thinks of me.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Now four years later I graduated Recovery University and have a job at Advocacy Unlimited Inc and live on my own.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

My message to everyone is don’t be afraid to ask for help when you are struggling. There is help everywhere you just need to look for it.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with mental illness since I was a child. When I was around six years old, I began to experience anxiety and school avoidance. As I got older, I began to have overwhelmingly strong emotions that I struggled to cope with. Later, when I was 8 I began struggling with my body image and started going on small diets. When I was 10, it became apparent that I was beginning to struggle from an eating disorder. Throughout my adolescence I continued to struggle with eating disorders by restricting and binge-eating and purging. When I was 12, I was hospitalized for the first time after going to a boarding school. Overwhelmed by anxiety and depression, I began to self harm and think of suicide. This began a journey through mental illness that has followed me since. I struggled with self-harm, drug and alcohol abuse, depression, anxiety, BPD, and PTSD throughout my entire adolescence and have survived multiple suicide attempts.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

When I was 8 years old, I began to see a therapist. Before then, my family and I went to family therapy because of an abusive relationship my mom was in. At this point, neither things seemed to give me any relief from my anxiety or overwhelming emotions. I was in psychiatric hospitals multiple times over a span of 8 years. Some of these hospitalizations helped to stabilize me, particularly after suicide attempts or long spans of self-harm. However, I still was not able to make enough progress to begin feeling ‘better’ during any of these periods.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

With drinking and drug use, I had a big turning point after voluntarily going to an inpatient rehab. Being diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder at 18, beginning DBT, and learning about my diagnoses was a big help as well. However, this was only the beginning of a long, ongoing journey. I think the biggest turning point in my life was becoming pregnant. When I realized I would soon be a mom, I was forced to look at the way I was raised; thinking of how it felt growing up with an unstable and mentally ill mom, and how my mental illness had affected those I loved. This was the point in my life when I was forced to take my mental wellness and safety more seriously than ever. I was able to stop cutting and begin the work that was necessary to get a stronger handle over my BPD and anxiety particularly.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Being a single mom is hard, and my anxiety is constant. However, I mostly worry about things I can control; being the kind of mom my daughter needs, and taking care of her. I try to use this anxiety to help motivate me to move forward, rather than getting stuck in the worry. Of course, at times, I worry over many things I have little control over. However, I find my mind is so busy taking care of an infant that I have little time to ruminate. Willow helps me to move forward and work towards mental wellness and stability. Although I still struggle with symptoms, I am constantly evaluating myself and trying to work towards my goals in therapy and my personal life. I know who I want to be, and I’m learning how to get there more and more every day.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

My favorite quote is:
“I may not be where I want to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be.” (Joyce Meyer)
This is something I remember throughout the day. We forget our strength and resilience while we are struggling. But, there is never a time in our lives when things are beyond repair- no matter how strongly we may believe so. I remember the darkness I have come from and know that although I received help, I am the one who pulled myself out of it. For that I am unbelievably strong and brave. Hearing that ‘things get better’ can feel uncertain and vague (although its true). Instead, know that it is impossible for things to stay the same. What goes up must come down, and that is a constant flow we live with. As hopeless as things may seem in a moment, they can not possibly stay that way forever. Give yourself credit for the strength and resilience you posses. You have made it this far; you are a survivor and you have amazing strength.

If you would like to follow my journey of mental illness recovery, motherhood, and life click the read my blog, Well For Willow.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Depression, self esteem, abuse and bullying. Being in 6th grade was the first time that I thought about hurting myself. When I was in the 6th grade I was bullied on my clothes, how tall I was, how I dressed and anything else u could think about. Although I was getting bullied in the 6th grade I was also getting bullied in the 5,6, and 7th grade, but in the 5th grade I got hit by this one girl because she didn’t like me.

When I was thinking about committing suicide it was not only because I was getting bullied, but I was also being abused by my father. He would give my sister a black eye, slap me into the wall and beat us until we had marks on our skin. When I had the thought of attempting suicide I didn’t act on my thoughts.

Here comes 7th grade, still getting bullied, I got tired of it and tried to fit in with people. I tried to fit in with them and what they were doing by stealing from my family. When I was in the 7th grade I had very low self-esteem and one day somebody was making me feel so good and made it seem like he wanted me. I did everything he asked me to do so that I could please him so that he could continue to make me feel good. However, he only wanted one thing and he took that thing away from me, then left me. I was 13 and he was 18. He took my innocence away from me which led me into a depression. I started to act different. I started to come in the house late, lie and tell them I’m going somewhere else. One day when I came in late, my mom was so upset that she had beat on me and made me try to attempt suicide again and that time I acted on it by cutting my arm. Had to go to the hospital and have them keep an eye on me to see if I was danger to myself or anyone else until they let me go home. At that time I was living with one of my aunts that was also abusing me, but she did not physically abuse me. The things she said to us, the way she treated us, acting like we were her slaves because we were homeless.  After that experience happened I had moved with my other aunt and I had done things that made her not want to raise kids anymore because all of hers were grown, so I went to live back with my dad. When I was with my dad I started to have flashbacks of how he treated me and one day I tried again to attempt suicide.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

When I was in 6th grade I was said enough is enough. I finally came out to my school counselor that I wanted to kill myself and it was then that I received help. I received treatment at Kempsville Center for Behavioral Health and yes, it worked.  I took some pills that were for depression and same thing happened again so after that they sent me to Kempsville for behavior health and I had to stay at Kemsville. The first 2 stays were only a week which didn’t help, but the last time I attempted suicide on December 12, I had overdosed to the point where I passed out. I was going in and out of consciousness, then rushed to the emergency room where had to get my stomach pumped because I took so many pills. My plan was to die, so why didn’t I? I didn’t die because I had one chance to give it to the Lord and I got one more chance to get the help that I needed. So I went back to Kempsville and stayed 10 months. That was the optimal 10 months of my life because I stared to know that my life mattered. If I would have died, I would left behind loved ones, friends, and also I wouldn’t be able to tell my story.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time?

My vision was to overcome depression, suicidal thoughts and attempts.  Yes, there are going to be days that are harder than the other. You are going to feel like giving up, but I’m writing this to tell you that I didn’t give up. I’m still fighting depression and low self-esteem, but I know that I am going to be someone in life that people look up to and say, “I want to be like her.” That’s why I didn’t give up. I had so much ahead of me and when I get there I’m going to look back and say I made it and I overcame a lot in my young life. I just had to tell you guys my vision because my vision came true and yours can too, just believe in it and never give up…….

Warm regards,
TAKYIA

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with depression and anxiety and self harm. I have had to deal with multiple residential treatment facilities due to these ailments and family relational problems

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I went to the psych ward and was forced to go to an IOP that contributed no help to me

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

the last treatment facility really turned my though process around for the better

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

my life keeps getting better day by day. i am trying to focus on my photography and begin to find the beauty in everything that i couldn’t see before

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

stay positive and remember to smile even if you feel like there is no reason to it will make you feel better

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Over the past six years, I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety. Initially, I was unwilling to get help. Even when I decided to do so, it was a while before I took recovery seriously. I tried to cope with my feelings in unhealthy ways, like purging or cutting. These techniques made me feel better temporarily, but in the long term every harmful action only deepened my mental issues.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

It took me a while to open up about what was happening to my parents. My family is incredibly supportive and stood alongside me every step of the way- but I wasn’t willing to accept their help at first. I wasn’t open with my doctors and therapists. My depression, anxiety, and unhealthy coping skills had become part of my identity and I didn’t know how to function without them.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

My biggest turning point happened when I was driving in car with my mother. At this point, I was barely in school and enough of a risk that my mom constantly needed to be attending to me. She essentially had to monitor me 24/7, making it difficult to manage a social life, a marriage, and being a mom to two other kids. I didn’t appreciate how much she sacrificed for me and how patient and tolerant she was. While we were in the car, I started complaining about something, and in a moment of anger she turned to me and said “You are ruining my life.”
I resented this comment because while I was depressed and dealing with anxiety, I put my needs before the needs of other people. I didn’t realize how difficult this was for everyone else in my life. For a while her words haunted me and I decided to internalize my feelings further and manage my depression in more harmful ways. I felt like I was a burden on my family and that I could fix my problems on my own.
It took me a long time, but eventually I was able to reflect on what my mother said and see that I was truly affecting the life of my family when I acted out, made unhealthy choices, and expected them to cater to me. Even though her words hurt at the time, I was able to see them as an outburst in a moment of frustration from being overloaded with responsibilities. I realized that if I wanted to get better and stop affecting my family members’ lives so much, I needed to stop coping through pain and expecting other people to deal with the consequences. It made me take recovery seriously and become honest and open with my support network.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Now, I occasionally struggle to deal with anxiety and short-term periods of depression when I’m stressed and overwhelmed. However, I couldn’t be happier with where I am now in life. I’m going to a university that I love next fall. My relationship with my family is strong, I have great friends, and my mental health is much better. I no longer need to take medication and I’m much better at self care.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Be honest with your support system! It makes a big difference. Know that you are not alone and that there are many different resources you can use to begin your journey to recovery.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

When I was 12, I was diagnosed with manic depression and anxiety. 2012 was the year that would change me forever. It started out with becoming more and more isolated, not going to school, and not ever wanting to leave my house. I was 12 years old when the sexual abuse from my step-father started. This man was the same one that had raised me since I was 2. He was the only man I ever thought of as a father since my real dad was long gone by the time I was born.

It started out with touches, a little too close to my private parts, then it started with kisses and sneaking into my bedroom at night when my mom was asleep. I was terrified.He threatened my family against me, my brother and my sister and I figured, it was better that he did it to me, and not my younger siblings. It went on for 3 years after that. I started smoking cigarettes when I was 13, smoking pot at 14, 2 suicide attempts at 14, 3 when i was 15. I overdosed multiple times, dying only twice, only to be brought back.

I kept silent about my father, i wanted to protect my family and I felt embarrassed of myself, i didn’t know what to do or how to do it. I thought killing myself would end everything, so i tried, only to end up in a mental hospital for a couple weeks, then released back to my personal hell that no one knew about.

October 27, 2015 was another date that I tried to kill myself. I was unsuccessful. On the 30th while i was in the hospital, i let the secret slip about my dad. I wrote it down on paper and i told my doctors and things finally started to look up. I was so wrong. The same day i confessed to the sexual abuse i was put through, was the day that my dad killed himself in my family home. My mother was the one who told me. It was 2 days later when she found him, 2 days later when she told me at the hospital. I remember screaming the word no over and over again, crying until my face was purple.

I remember the nurses trying to comfort me but they couldn’t, they didn’t know how. I remember being so confused and hurt and angry. He got away with everything he did to me, and I had to suffer alone. I got out a couple weeks after that, and my family had lost our home due to the expenses of the funeral. We got onto welfare and had to move into an apartment, and it wasn’t too bad. Slowly, my mom started to turn cold and violent towards me, degrading me whenever she was angry, and leaving me to watch my younger two siblings.

It is now July, I have moved in with my grandma, who has always loved me no matter what, and who has always listened and believed me. I am 16, an age i thought i would never reach. Ive been diagnosed with PTSD, SAD and Bulimia on top of my manic depression and anxiety, but I’m taking medication and getting support from counselors. Nothing is easy, ever, but I am learning how to survive.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

At first the support i got was something that I would push away all I could. I hated the idea that I needed help, and I would refuse it at any point i could. Slowly, i stopped being so stubborn and i let them help me, and i feel much more stable now than what i did.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Recently I have started to eat better, do more meditation and exercise and I have started to talk to people more and get out of the house. Moving in with my grandma was also a huge turning point. I feel like I am in a safer environment now than what I was with my Mother.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Well, I am now producing an album coming out august of 2017, and I am just, so excited that I have the ability to do this. I am so proud of myself for pushing myself towards this future.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I wish I knew that the only thing holding me back, was myself. I was the one stopping myself from truly living, and I wish I had never limited myself to staying home and sulking in my sadness and wondering why my life was like this. Go out there, and make friends, do stupid things and be a little reckless. Just live.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Aubry B. It almost feels like I was destined to struggle, like someone just gave me this life on purpose to watch me fail. I wasn’t brought up in a very loving or supportive environment and ever since I was younger I have bounced around from school to school, family member to family member, foster home to foster home, and finally I was brought to an young adult inpatient treatment facility. Almost any thing you could think of I have dealt with, suicidal thoughts, sexual and physical abuse, grief, emotional and verbal abuse, abandonment , being bullied, self-injurious behaviors, being mistreated in hospitals and I was diagnosed with Borderline, PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Finally at the beginning of my young adult life I decided I was no longer a victim but a survivor , a warrior, and a voice to those who needed help., I got sick and tired of leaving scars on my body and I got sick of being “sick” and finally I decided to do something about how I felt. Of course life threw more curve balls, but I threw them back twice as hard and knocked down all of the mountains in my way, or I guess you could say I learned to walk around them.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

People telling me No was the biggest challenge I faced, but in the end it taught me how to go after something if I really wanted it, there are going to be people to support me but they can not the people who put in the work, this is my life and easel to paint on, they’ve given me the brush now it’s up to me to paint a beautiful creation. Telling me no saved my life, no I can’t help you Aubry was the most amazing advice I could take. Also the young adult treatment center lead me to a very unique individual who has been guiding me for 7 years! She is my human journal and my mentor she has acted as a mother, friend, sister, guardian, e.t.c It is always a blessing to have someone to help you and say hey I am proud of you even if it’s just one person, but you have to let them in and you have to accept advice

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I now work as an advocate in Hartford, CT, I am currently training with AU to pursue my advocating I also volunteer at many non profit and mental health and addiction agencies. I am going to be training to teach a class for super advocates! I have done many speeches and one was actually at my old youth treatment center!!! In 2o13 unfortunately my father committed suicide and for the very first time I am speaking publicly about my experience and I am ever so thankful for the support I have through all of these organizations !! Life gets better even when it feels like a rug was pulled from under your feet you can still crawl to your dreams and in life there is a lesson in every aspect of pain, it is the eyes of the beholder !!

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is great, it is perfectly imperfect and I am for the most part where I want to be!! Hope, passion, and helping others are key to making it through the tough times!! surround yourself with positive vibes, even people you can go to when your feeling down!! meditate, breathe, write, paint, draw, dance, exercise, sing, act, DREAM!!

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

There is help and even if you are emotionally overwhelmed it is up to you to grab hold of your resources and find a way!! Never give up you are always stronger than your pain!! you would not be human if it hurt so bad when someone has passed away, and you would not be human if you felt stressed, alone, angry, e.t.c Do not give up …ever and even when you feel like giving tell someone you trust!!! Find someone who will listen when you need an ear, find someone who will speak when you need advice, and find someone to relate too when you feel alone!!

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I was born with health issues and colic because I was extra sensitive to sound, light, etc, so my mother did her best to maintain routine for me to keep me calm. Experiencing significant trauma in early childhood, however, triggered me to become more hyper-vigilant. I was always preparing for the worst and I feared most males and I worried about losing those I trusted.

I started to feel the effects of my mental illness when I was a freshman in high school. I had high expectations I made for myself academically as well as my involvement in my extracurricular activities. Part of me loved to be busy with dance competition, musical rehearsals, after school club meetings, studying etc. because it kept me on track and it masked many of my compulsions. Unfortunately, I pushed myself so hard that my expectations became unattainable. I crashed and began drowning in depression. When I was stressed or overwhelmed with too much emotion, I self-injured to secretly maintain my pain. The constant phrase of “I want to die” turned into “you deserve to die” on repeat in my brain and I didn’t know how to shut it off. I questioned if anyone else was experiencing the same thing as I was or “was I just crazy?” Instead of cutting to hide the pain, it became cutting to bring me back to reality. This self-injurious behavior stopped working and before I knew it, I attempted suicide various ways and landed myself in the hospital a few times.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I would occasionally visit the school psychologist to seek support during emotional times, but I was referred to a private practicing therapist in my junior year of high school. After seventeen years of trying to present myself as a “perfectly fine” and “never angry” child, I couldn’t believe I was sitting in a therapist’s office expected to talk about my feelings. Once I got over the shame of being there, I eventually opened up about some of the demons inside my mind. I believe it’s helped me because I can finally grant myself permission to release the burdens troubling my mind (and today I believe it!). My therapist also reinforced how I don’t always have to be happy and reminded me the specific tasks I was doing to keep grounded, was self-destructive.

In my senior year of high school, I hit another major low. After being hospitalized for the second time, I was sent to a three month partial hospital where I had to participate in intensive daily group talk therapy, art, music, etc. to help me become stable again. This type of hospital was helpful because I was working with people in my age group, so we all could connect about the current struggles we were facing. While I was in the hospital, I had to come to terms that I could not go to college until I was managing my illness well enough to attend. It was heartbreaking for me because I was accepted into my dream school with an amazing merit scholarship and I had to turn it down. I was baffled by how fast my life changed because of this illness, but today I am grateful for this experience and what my life now has become.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

It took over a year to track my moods and tendencies for my therapist and prescriber to finally diagnose me with a primary diagnosis of bipolar disorder (or as some people say “bipolar depression” or “manic depression”). In the beginning, I was in denial because this illness has a bad reputation, but I’ve learned more about my illness and now I feel more empowered to share my story. The biggest turning point for me was after another hospitalization when I was nineteen. The clinician who worked with me felt I needed to go for another type of treatment for my Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD). She referred me to another therapist who specializes in a process called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) which helps individuals cope with significant repeated trauma. When I started doing the work, it pulled so many unresolved traumatic memories out of my brain that I kept in the back of my head to protect myself. I had no idea how significant it was to work on these experiences because every tendency or connection I had with people was because of specific events I went through in my early childhood. It was (and still is) tough work and I have to take it one day at a time.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Today, I am in more control over my mental health. I am not perfect, but I definitely feel much stronger than I was about six years ago. Instead of filling my workload to the max and moving to New York to attend school, I take a couple of courses each semester at my local community college and I moved into my own place nearby. It is one of the healthiest and scariest decisions I needed to make, but it has significantly changed my life. I have not self-injured in almost two years now and have been surviving the extremes of my illness. I also am currently working a full time position in the mental health field and LOVING IT! I have the opportunity to work with young adults facing the same challenges I’ve experienced and focus on their recovery, so they too can live successful and healthy lives. I plan to continue working in the mental health field and obtain a degree in psychology. I thank God every day for the second, third, and many more chances that turned my life around into a more positive light. Now, I want to wake up and live every day to the fullest.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

For those of you having a tough time, I encourage you to reach out and talk to someone (especially a professional). I know it is hard to think about, but people do care! We have so many resources and hotlines to call now, so please dial 2-1-1 and talk to them. I didn’t realize when I was a teen there were so many individuals struggling with the same problems I was, but now I know and I have supports that’ve helped me. I also learned not all therapists and medication are a correct match the first time, so be patient and speak up! You are not alone in this fight!

How did it all start? When did you first start experiencing symptoms or using?

I was involved in a lot of activities when I was younger – I practiced Kung Fu and Tae Kwon Do, played the alto saxophone, drums, guitar, and piano, was one of the best goalies in my travel soccer league, was the first girl to sign up at the local skate park. But I was born to a mother who spent the first eight years of my life with undiagnosed bipolar disorder and rarely got off the couch, and a father who is a pilot and was never home. In 2003, she was diagnosed with Bipolar 2; the same year I was diagnosed with Migraine.

This diagnosis is what changed my life. I remember the first sign something was wrong when I started self-harming at age 11. My migraines were manageable at first, but that was before I was diagnosed with Chronic Migraine in 2008. This qualifies as 15 headache days a month, 8 or more of which are migraines. That’s when the self-harm got really serious and has been an issue all the way up until now. My parents were oblivious for 6 years. I managed to stop for just over one full year, but that wasn’t permanent.

I was forced to drop out of high school before it was even legal to because my school refused to make the necessary accommodations for me to get an education while dealing with chronic migraines. Instead, they tried to place me in alternative education where they stuck the kids who didn’t show up to school because they chose not to. I refused to do this, so they sent me to a tutoring club – as if I could make it there after school hours instead, but still with a migraine. They thought I was full of it, so I stopped attending high school just before my 15th birthday and waited two years to turn 17 and get my GED, which I did not want. I was probably one of the very few kids in my high school who really did want to learn and this is something I still struggle to accept.

What kind of help did you get at first? Did it work?

I would say the first kind of help I attempted to get was through a neurologist right when I was first diagnosed with migraines in 2003. I was told I would be a guinea pig until we found something that worked. I saw several different neurologists and I was hospitalized more than once for migraines. I pumped full of morphine four separate times before I was 17 for over 3 week long bouts of pain. I was prescribed medication for migraines that then caused polycystic ovarian syndrome – a hormonal disorder that causes depression and anxiety, as well as inappropriate masculine features in women. As you can imagine, this just boosted my self-esteem through the roof.

My first help with depression came the same year I was diagnosed with Chronic Migraine. I was prescribed Prozac at first, which made my migraines much worse, and told to see a therapist. No, it did not work.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Things started to change for the better when I met my second therapist. This woman, may she rest in peace, made such an impact in my life. Because of the isolation from the people in my town due to my migraines, I met my now boyfriend of nearly five years online. She helped me make it through the difficult months of waiting to turn 17 to take the GED test and move to Maine to be with my boyfriend as well as start college. While I ran into very similar problems at this school as I did at my high school, (they did not have a disability coordinator so the Dean, who knew nothing about the ADA, was “dealing” with it. I failed my courses because they, too, couldn’t make the simple accommodations to the attendance policy that I needed), I was not nearly as affected because everything else in life was so new and fresh. I spent 2 years in Maine until my boyfriend and I decided to move back to Connecticut because as it turns out, he has family here too.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Now, I have managed to pass a total of 14 college courses and am currently going to school both in person and online. I’m studying horticulture and pursuing a floral design certificate online. I’ve had a few jobs, only one of which has been affected majorly by migraines. I’ve learned that I am always going to run into people who do not realize Migraine is a disease, not just pain. It is not just a headache – I cannot drive, eat, open my eyes in the sun, bend over, or think of simple words for that matter. I see auras and it’s like someone is like someone setting off a fireworks display three feet from my face. Because of this, I’m working towards owning my own business. My boyfriend and I would like to have a farm or a nursery down in Florida someday.

However, I was hospitalized last month for depression and I am in an intensive outpatient program to learn how to deal with the thoughts and feelings I’ve been having. I’ve come to this website to make sure that one day, I will own my own business. To make sure that I’ll make it.

How did it all start? When did you first start experiencing symptoms or using?

The first time I chose to starve myself, I was thirteen years old. Since then, my life plummeted into a downward spiral of anorexia, depression, anxiety, and self harm.

What kind of help did you get at first? Did it work?

At first, I saw one therapist a week, but it clearly wasn’t enough. I’ve been to an IOP program and as of now, I see two individual therapists, one group therapist, and one family therapist.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I guess when I was sent to IOP [Intensive Outpatient Program] the experience as a whole opened my eyes up to how bad my disorders had gotten.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Today, I still suffer from the illnesses listed above, though I am on the road to recovery. I’m an aspiring author and I just finished my first official manuscript, Inside Her Plastic Skin. I’m currently in the process of getting it published.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Reach out to those around you; you cannot fight these battles alone. Also, stay positive and remember — it WILL get better.

How did it all start? When did you first start experiencing symptoms or using?

I think it was probably around 7th grade. I was just really tired all the time; I would cry a lot, that’s when I started cutting myself, like self-injury. I had a hard time really regulating my emotions, I felt really alone. I was depressed, really.

What kind of help did you get at first? Did it work?

I know it took me a couple months before I told anybody how I was feeling. Beginning of 7th grade I started feeling like that, and then it took me about a year to get into actual therapy, besides a school counselor. And then after that I had a therapist in 8th grade at the community center. I remember seeing a school counselor in 8th grade, and when I confided in her that I was self-harming, she immediately told my parents. At the time it felt like a betrayal of trust. I just remember that created a lot of turmoil at home. That was one of my first experiences with help. It was just a bad experience.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I was hospitalized twice sophomore year. This was where my story turns around. It sucks that it took that long for me to finally feel better, but I appreciate my struggle at this point. I went to the hospital and I was there for like 2 weeks, which is pretty long because the hospital sucks, but it was so necessary. It was the most necessary thing I’ve ever done. And my parents, when I was about to be discharged, they told me “we don’t want you home. It’s not safe for you to be at home right now. We’re very angry with you and we’re sure you’re very angry with us.” It was just a very, very bad relationship, nothing was really working. So they sent me to a group home. I was there from June 2012 to January 2013. Being there really saved my life.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I’ve been home for a year now. Half of my struggle is my behavior and my thought processes, but the chemical piece is fixed.

Yeah, I get sad, and yeah my sads are more extreme than some people’s, but I don’t get to where I want to kill myself when something bad happens. I’ve rebuilt my relationship with my parents, and I’m applying for colleges and I got into six. My life is completely turned around.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier?

You need to talk. You need to take the first step and be courageous enough to ask for help, because that is the most courageous thing you can do and it’s the best thing you can do for yourself. Talk about how you’re feeling and ask to see someone. Ask to go on medication, if that’s what you want, and ask to go to group therapy, if that’s what you want. People just want to pretend that they feel fine and maybe it’ll go away, but it won’t. It will just bubble up at inconvenient times.