What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and various other forms of poor mental health for most of my life. My parents say I was anxious even as an infant, but the impact of my anxiety has certainly ebbed and flowed throughout my life. I usually describe my mental health struggles as having anxiety and depressive tendencies, because while I haven’t always technically fit a diagnosis of depression I feel that it’s been lurking underneath the surface for most of my life even when I wasn’t technically struggling from depression. I have always been easily distressed, and I have experienced symptoms of other specific mental illnesses in spurts along the way.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I made it through K-12 schooling and most of college without receiving treatment because I was seemingly functional–my grades have always been good good, and because I was successful and high achieving, I relied on sheer force of will to get through school even though I was falling apart on the inside and suffering greatly. That wasn’t sustainable, though, and I finally started seeing a therapist last fall.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

The first turning point for me was when I left for college, leaving behind an unhealthy school environment and family dynamic. My new environment was so much better that I felt, at least for a little while, like my problems had gone away. However, eventually they crept back into my life. Another turning point where I felt like I was actually doing much better was during the first few months of the pandemic, when for the first time in my life I could make my priority taking care of my mental health and sleeping, exercising, and socializing without stress from schoolwork.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Right now, I’m struggling with the mental health effects of the pandemic. Though initially the pandemic was an excuse to focus on myself, now I’m having to try to maintain my mental health while also working while existing in a global crisis. While I have learned much about myself, such as the fact that I can actually feel healthy and hopeful when I have the opportunity to prioritize my well-being, I’m struggling to apply that knowledge to the world we live in right now.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I used to feel selfish for prioritizing my self and well-being, until I heard a favorite saying of mine that I’ve since learned to be true: You can’t pour from an empty cup. Meaning, the more that you take care of yourself, the more you can take care of others. In that sense, it’s not selfish to focus on taking care of yourself, because it’s much harder to provide love, empathy, and compassion to the ones you love when you are struggling.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I’ve struggled with anxiety for a long, long time. Sort of constantly, like it was all. the. TIME. It got to be way too much and I really started hating myself and thinking I was always the problem in every situation. I also struggled with hating the way I look, how my voice sounds, and a lot of other things that just make me who I am, which made me lose a lot of self confidence.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

First, I tried journaling and listening to music as a form of letting out all my stress, but sometimes, reading what I had written just made me more sad about how anxious I was and what I had become.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

The biggest turning point for me was when I met my boyfriend. He has always been an incredible listener, and he always tells me how much I mean to him and makes me feel really valued and loved.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I feel like a MUCH happier person. I’ve done some things that would’ve been way out of my comfort zone like 8 months ago. I feel like I’m much more of a valid person, and I’ve been able to do some things I’ve always wanted to do (even as simple as wearing a certain Halloween costume) due to this newfound self confidence.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

What I’d like to tell people is that sometimes the right people haven’t found you yet, and it might make you feel like you could never have friends or never be loved and valued, but I assure you, the right person or the right people to make you feel the best you ever have are on their way, and when they find you or you find them you’ll know exactly where you belong.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with anxiety my whole life and it became too much when I began taking harder classes in school as well as extra curricular activities.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

At first I just looked to my parents for support, but then I began going to a psychologist in order to express my feelings and get help from those who are there to help.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

One turning point was when I realized my worth and began to stop caring so much about what other people thought. When I began to focus on myself and my own improvement, I began to become less anxious.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is going pretty smoothly now. I graduated high school and moved on to a prestigious universities where I participate in many mental health and wellness clubs in order to share my story.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I would tell people that it gets better. Even at your lowest point and when you do not want to hear these words because you do not believe them, you need to keep fighting. Fight for yourself.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

In high school, I struggled with body-image issues and restrictive eating habits. I was a Varsity Track Athlete and ran 6-7 times a week. I struggled with my self-worth because I thought I had to obtain an extremely thin frame in order to be liked more. I reached my lowest point around the time I turned 15 and was a size 00. At the time, I celebrated this, but my health quickly started deteriorating. For the rest of high school, I was able to put back on some more weight, but always worked myself too hard and didn’t eat enough. I struggled with whether I would ever feel ‘good enough’ and was scared of getting heavier.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

When my family noticed I was starting to pass out more and more, they became very concerned. My mom encouraged me to see food as fuel, and to try to avoid counting calories or trying fad diets. I could tell she was worried, and at first I did try to take better care of myself. However, I struggled with making healthy decisions, because I felt like I got positive attention from my peers when I looked skinnier. It took me until I got to college to stop tracking everything I ate, and to see exercise as a fun stress reliever rather than a daily chore.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Freshman year of college, I tried so hard to stay in the same shape as I was in high school. I quickly learned that in order to do so, my life would have to revolve around meal prep and spending hours in the gym each day. By the end of that first year, I decided that enough was enough. Over time, I thought about how much happier I would be if I loved my body for how it is, and stopped punishing myself for not being thin enough. Things changed for the better once I made the decision to love myself and treat my body with more respect. What also helped were the more positive friendships I made while at school. Getting involved in different clubs and extra-curriculars, I began to see that I am liked for my character and personality…not for how much I weigh.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Today, there are still some moments where I find myself having negative thoughts about my body and worth. However, I know that self-love is something that can always be worked and improved upon, and I am so proud of how far I’ve come. I still love to eat healthy foods and go running/to the gym. The difference is that I now do this to feel good, rather than to try to constantly change my body. I no longer step on a scale or get discouraged when last year’s jeans won’t fit. I know that I matter, and what’s on the outside won’t change that. My goal is to lead a happy and fulfilling life, while getting the opportunity to make a positive impact on those around me.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

For those who may be struggling with a similar issue, know that it takes time. I didn’t wake up one day and automatically love myself. Over time, I realized my worth, and kept reminding myself of why my past habits were negatively affecting the way I get to enjoy my life. Challenge yourself every day to break harmful habits, even if you have to take baby steps. Seek support from family or friends you trust, and seek environments in which you feel comfortable and accepted.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I struggle with Schizoaffective disorder and it became too much when I was in high school. I was about 14 when I began experiencing symptoms of depression and anxiety. It became too much when I was a sophomore in high school. I couldn’t seem to get my assignments done and I was losing focus in class. It became so overwhelming I was outplaced in a therapeutic school. When I graduated things started to get worse. I spent some time in a hospital due to a suicide attempt and had to drop out of college. I started to deal with mania and psychosis soon after. Currently I am working on recovery and trying to reach certain goals to become functional in society.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I started with basic therapy but that didn’t help much so my therapist recommended I take DBT. At the time, my depression made me reluctant to view help as hope so I didn’t get much out of it. When I went to the hospital they also used DBT. This time however, I was more open to trying it out. Some tools I learned helped me get through my hospital stay. I still use some of those tools today. I was also tried on several medications that didn’t do much for me but luckily I have found a medication that works for most of my symptoms.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

When I received the correct diagnosis and changed therapists is when things started to get better. When my diagnosis was changed I was given different medications that made my life more manageable. During that time I was able to leave the house and do things that I didn’t have the motivation to do before.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Currently, my life has been like a whack-a-mole. When one issue is resolved another pops up. It is definitely a struggle but I haven’t given up hope. I’ve been able to develop tools that are very therapeutic for me such as baking. I am working towards overcoming my fear of the outside world and finding a future for myself.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

My best advice would be to reach out to someone even if you feel like there is no hope in getting help. As alone as you may feel in the moment, there are others who can relate. I wish I’d reached out earlier and expressed what was on my mind. No one can read your mind so you need to speak up. When someone is trying to help you it is important to be as open and honest as possible even if it hurts. It’s for the best because in the long run it will benefit you greatly.

If you’d like to reply to Mariah’s Story, click here!

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Since elementary school I have struggled with anxiety and occasional stress. Every year my anxiety changes because of what’s going on in my life, with friends, school, etc. But I continue to learn how to accept it and learn new ways to help my anxiety and stress.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

When I was younger I would work myself up so much to the point of panic attacks and meltdowns. I started to go to therapy and it worked/helped a lot. Today I have learned how to accept my anxiety and cope with it. Every day my thoughts and emotions are different but I know how to control them.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I think in middle school I really started to learn what my anxiety meant and why I was feeling certain ways. I started to learn how to deal with it and accept the way I was feeling. I still struggled and had bad days, but I continued to push myself to a point where I could understand what was triggering the anxiety and then navigate how to help myself.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Now that I am in High School there are new triggers for me, but there are also more resources available to help with anxiety and stress. I feel like I have grown and learned so much since I was younger about how to control my anxiety. For instance, with the current Covid 19 global pandemic, I found my anxiety was heightened and it started to affect me more than usual. I felt like my thoughts were all over the place and I didn’t feel like myself. Instead of letting my feelings run away, I started to journal, meditate, and do yoga/pilates. I swear by those three things. They have had a tremendous impact on my mental wellness and my anxiety. Journaling is an instant release and I recommend doing it before meditating to help clear your mind. Yoga and stretching after you wake up makes your mind and body feel amazing. Pilates is a great low intensity workout that really helps to tone and makes you feel an immediate release after. These things are examples of how I cope with my anxiety and stress. I think the biggest take away from this is that finding what makes you feel good is most important. Especially focusing on what makes you feel right and not what the internet or people in your life are telling you. Ever since I found ways to cope with my anxiety I have taken many risks and fought away my fear. I have taken on many new leadership positions in my town and a fundraiser event. I feel more comfortable standing up in front of crowd. I am still working on fighting my anxiety and fears as well as working towards being more comfortable with public speaking.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

To the people that are having a tough time I would say “You have the power to create change” and “You are right where you need to be.” Those are two really important quotes or affirmations that helped me. I think it is really important to find what works for you ; whether it’s yoga or meditation – something that can help you find a balance. No matter what it is make sure that you do it for yourself. I also think a really important thing to do is love yourself no matter what. It is something that can be really hard to do and something that you have to work for everyday. But it will make a major difference in your life if you work for it.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety disorder when I was around 17 and more recently, body dysmorphia. However, I have been struggling with my mental health well before any official explanations were given to me.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I have been in and out of therapy since my freshman year of high school. I didn’t feel like anything was helping until my senior year of high school when I found a therapist I liked and who I felt understood me. She eventually suggested a psychiatrist to help me manage my health with medication. After finding this combination of support, I realized the importance of finding therapists/professionals who you feel comfortable with. Sometimes it takes a few tries and patience to find a good fit and that is totally okay.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

After being in college for about a year and struggling to adjust, I had a turning point moment when I confronted what I really wanted and was feeling and decided to transfer to a new school. I felt supported by family, friends, and professionals and was finally getting used to being on medication for anxiety and depression after months of trying to find the right combination of medicine that worked for me.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Life has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs and that it normal and something I’ve come to accept. Everyday is different and some are better than others but I’m happy and have a great support system.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

To anybody having a difficult time: be patient with yourself. In my experience, things are never as bad as they seem and stay close to the things that make you happy and that you enjoy. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling and if you can, talk to someone you’re comfortable with.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

My empowering story may be much different than others you may hear. It’s the kind that seems painful, raw, jaded, but disastrously radically beautiful and that is exactly what it is, beautiful. I think at times what makes me extraordinary is that I consider myself a lioness and am currently combining my warrior traits with the beauty of love and vulnerability and my truth. Quite the combo, if I must say, but a beautiful one at that.
I carry warrior qualities, I’m a fighter for what I’m passionate about, I chase after my dreams to succeed and better my family’s lives but I also am a work of art, a rare find, and a source of beauty through a jaded and difficult journey. This isn’t to boast it’s to state that even those with hard times, difficult pasts, who have failed numerous times and had to repeatedly be humbled and get back up…that those people are beautiful also and capable of dreaming, doing, and succeeding. YES!!!
I also like to say that once I found my voice in the midst of being silenced and the midst of finding my true and authentic self that I now have the power and capability to ROAR my truth and to set myself free from the “bondage” that I have been entangled in.

When I was young I began to explore the world and found myself on my different paths. At a young age I began to explore the world of sex, drugs, and alcohol. I was not aware how this could deeply affect my life, my view of self, my view of others, my safety, as well as my success as a woman in this world.

In high school I became very enraged and angered by my inability to be able to explore the world as I chose. I was uninterested in school and began falling behind. At one point I had a .66 in high school and didn’t even think graduating with my high school degree would be possible, nor did I desire it.

I was uneducated, wasn’t aware of what I was getting myself into, and didn’t have the resources that were crucially important for me to succeed or protect myself.

I, like many, did not have any experience in relationships, drug or alcohol abuse, and sexual encounters. Ultimately, this lack of educational resources prohibited me from making knowledgeable and educated decisions or be fully aware of what decisions I was making and how it was ultimately killing me.

The year of my enlightening journey was not easy; I found myself in a residential care facility for troubled teens for 7 and half months of my life with the intent to form respect, self-direction, counseling, and ultimately; support.

This time I was pulled from my current high school suddenly and found myself living in a home of 13 teen girls and went from being able to speak to anyone the way I chose, to having to ask for permission to even speak, eat, go up or down the stairs, in or out of rooms and in and out of the house.

I found support among women who were older than me. They heard my cry and desire to explore this world and ultimately understood who I was. I found support among the women who I lived with and shared difficult moments with, who were living in the same world of chaos, frustration, and pain as I was. I began to see that I was not the only one struggling tremendously through my teen years.

Upon completing the program, I moved home and chose to shake these restrictions and feel free again. This turned into drug and alcohol abuse, consistent unhealthy relationships, and ultimately choosing sleeping on friend’s beds and couches due to running away from home. I found myself waking up numb and in random homes, several pregnancy scares, and continual drug use.

Still, within my soul I knew there was more. I knew I was worth more. I knew my life meant more and that one day I would be able to find it.

I began to research how to enroll myself into school and had a friend drop me off at a University for yet another chapter of my life. Unfortunately, at this school, my drug and alcohol use continued because it was much easier to obtain. I began to lose sight of the course of life I truly knew I needed to be on.

After one semester I was already back on academic probation, struggling to find financial assistance to stay in school, and was once again losing hope. I was living a life of numbness. I worked hard but was so caught up on seeking social acceptance that I did not realize where my life was heading.

I stayed numb.

At this university, I sought out the party scene and began to experiment sexually and dive into pill usage on a whole new level.
In a sense I was walking around with my eyes closed just trying to get by and manage life, thinking at times I had everything I had ever wanted, but so incredibly lost at the same time.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I would have not made it this far without the support of my incredible mother, who is our biggest fan, The Family Scholar House program, my peers and those in my cohort, teachers who supported and empowered me, case workers, advocates on our behalf, my sisters and even bystanders, who without knowing, empowered my weak spirit.

I have been empowered by women within the community who have challenged me to speak out and share my story. They have helped me see my real beauty and my inner-warrior and to use my voice. They have also blessed me with the opportunity to speak my truth to others as an outlet and support to those who may be going through or who are healing from the same things.

Most important, I would not be here without my son, who has given me my passion, my drive and has instilled in me the real meaning of love within my heart. He is my heart outside my body and the reason I found the drive to strive to be the woman I am today. In addition, my real friends came to my side and I was close to completing my bachelor’s Degree.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

One evening, I found myself on my bathroom floor with a positive pregnancy test in my hand.
I remember leaving the University hospital, alone, on a very rainy day and getting in my care, after being told once again that I was pregnant and close to 6 weeks along.

Thinking….“Wait, I am only 20, not even close to being done with school, I am lost, completely unhappy and I am now growing a human being in my belly, when I can barely care for myself.”

For one second within the confines of my car I felt instant peace.

This was my day of awakening.

A child was growing in my belly and I had to radically change my life….

On this day I chose to better my life, not for me but for this soul that was begging me to be succeed, to be healthy, to be a powerful woman, an example, a mother, and for this,

I owe my son…my life.

At this point my mind, heart, and soul were focused on bettering our lives. My life became about becoming self-sufficient, growing together, and pressing forward to achieve my goals and dreams so that my son could have an example and a beautiful life.

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” – George Elliot

I can tell you right now, it is NEVER too late to become more, to become better, to be who you were intended to be.

We made our way back home, to be closer to family. We had been and were in very toxic environment but I was able to find support and guidance and began to dive into studies. After a strenuous and difficult journey, I came to a realization; I had been silenced.

I had been an independent woman, strong willed, and felt no shame in declaring who I was or what I thought, and slowly I found myself silenced, unheard and ultimately speechless.

One evening, I was on my knees weeping by my bedside begging for the lord to give me a sign and give me the power and voice to step away, for good, because I honestly couldn’t do it on my own.

That night I had a very raw and real dream about my own life, but it was not happy, nor did it end well.

The next morning, I awoke from my own nightmare. I walked away from abuse and never went back. I had tremendous support in my mother, who had seen me weep in pain for years. We both began weeping, in relief.

I found my voice and knew that I wanted to be a survivor, not another statistic and that I wanted to help others overcome & find their voice as well

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I am a mother, daughter, sister, soul searcher, warrior and lover, and friend. I am a seeker of the beauty in life and in enjoying time with those I love, which in most cases involves coffee, which is also a love of mine. I advocate for domestic and intimate partner survivors within my own community and afar- through speaking engagements, blogs, and social media. I am fueled by the fire of my passions, which is to use my journey as a form of light to shine on others times of darkness- that there is hope and healing and freedom from the bondage of your journey and that all this needs to come by having grace with yourself and by choosing to intentionally love yourself, your journey, and the soul you are today.

On Mother’s Day, with my son in the stands, I graduated with honors, Magnu Cum Laude and walked straight into my graduate degree, a one-year advanced program for obtaining my Masters in Science of Social Work.

I have walked with my classmates again, after a long year in the Master’s program and obtained my MSSW the summer of 2016.

I never imagined the life I have today…with not one, but two diplomas.

Life has radically changed and I have been incredibly blessed.

We have been so incredibly blessed with such love and support in our journey.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I am now asking you to listen, to empower and to advocate for those who are uneducated in regards to violence and their harmful current situations whether it be physical, emotional, verbal, sexual or mental abuse, as well as those who you are witness to violence in an extent that has drastically changed their lives. Many people have been silenced and are living in silence, so please offer them the opportunity to be heard and to find their voice once again. Choose to be that one person who makes a personal impact on another’s life that empowers them to be the person they were intended to be….so at this time please stand and face forward if you are able to commit to this…you are making a commitment to assist in diminishing the cycle of violence within this community, empowering those who have difficulty seeing any strengths within them, who have spent many nights and days weeping, bruised, naked, alone and emotional drained, who have spent days or even years in silence, who have difficult carrying for their children due to the abuse they are undergoing amongst the bills they are unable to pay, you are giving them an opportunity to be heard, to hear themselves, and to help them find safety and hope, you are allowing them to see support and to feel the presence of someone who sees them as more than just a statistic but yet giving them an opportunity to grow, flourish and be the beautiful soul that they have been trying so hard to be…. and recognize that you are not alone and others will be at the same time choosing to say no to violence and taking a stand in allowing survivors voices to be heard.

You are WORTHY. Your journey is worthy. Your freedom is Worthy. Your Voice is Worthy.

My passion is to empower others by using my journey and my voice and so I began The Soul Grind, which is a place of self-exploration, radical self-love, soul searching, and some powerful empowerment! A community where your voice is heard and your soul can grow and flourish in the company of some beautiful other humans on the same journey. The Soul Grind pours love on wounds and allows you to be heard and also it emphasizes the importance of combining all of that with a big cup of coffee.

The one thing I would love to tell, especially women, is that “You are worthy”.

In times society wants to make us seem mediocre, small, microscopic and that our views, stories, our voices don’t matter. Well, I’m telling you that you can achieve your dreams, you can accomplish your goals, you most certainly have a voice and I encourage you to “roar” as a lioness and be the women that you are intended to be whether the world sees it as capable or not.

· Fight for your life, your dreams, and your soul, the love for yourself, your families safety and your voice.

· Love yourself

· Take each day at a time

· Don’t judge your journey amongst others

– Dont rush your healing

· Offer yourself abundant amounts of grace when you do fall

· Find those who will support you back up

· Keep going!

Join us! Let’s hear your ROAR.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/thesoulgrind/
Blog: http://www.thesoulgrind.com
Email: thesoulgrind@gmail.com
Instagram: thesoulgrind

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

My parents got divorced when I was 6 and although I don’t remember many details of the divorce itself, my parents do not have a good relationship now which causes much strain on me and my mom especially. From when I was 6 until my freshman year of high school, I split my time between living with my mom and dad, seeing my mom usually 4 of the 7 days of the week. However, my dad struggles with OCD, does not easily understand social cues, and is incredibly stubborn; this led to constant fighting between us, so much so to the point where I would become incredibly miserable when I would have to stay over at his apartment. At the height of our fighting when I was in 8th grade, I saw a psychiatrist to see if I had depression, given I thought that I showed many of the common signs and felt constantly weighed down by my situation. I never actually ended up taking medication, but my turbulent relationship with my dad was really hard for me to cope with.
In the very beginning of my freshman year of high school, I finally made the choice to stop living with my dad and moved in with my mom full time. I became so much happier at home, even though I felt guilty and confused about what to do with the relationship with my dad. I was in a really manipulative friend group for this year of high school, one that experimented with drugs and alcohol (which I personally chose to not try) and made me play babysitter when they needed someone to take care of them during and after. Lowering my self-esteem and confidence, I lost my desire for good grades, leaving my grades to plummet drastically for the majority of freshman year. Needless to say, freshman year was a mess for a lot of different reasons.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

Freshman year, I turned to my best friends from sleep away camp to vent to and turn to for help throughout these issues, helping me but still not fixing the problems that were plaguing my life.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

However, I applied to and got accepted to study abroad in Israel for the spring semester of my sophomore year, which turned my entire life around. I instantly fell in love with Israel itself, which led me to create my desire to serve in the Israel Defense Forces after college. I discovered myself, figured out what I like and who I want to be, made the absolute best friends of my life, and fell in love. Israel saved me, and since then, my work ethic and personal life have been incredibly fulfilled and meaningful.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

The situation with my dad has been very complicated recently because he is refusing to help pay for me to go to college, and thus my mom is currently taking him to court in a messy and drawn-out case. On one hand, I am incredibly happy living with my mom and stepdad and sister (my mom and I are very close) but also, I feel guilty not having a real relationship with my dad. Yet, him being financially negligent in my upbringing and causing incredible stress for my mom leaves me confused and undecided as to how I feel about him and what I want for the future of our relationship. However, senior year has been absolutely incredible, and I’ve solidified friendships with really amazing people from home that I plan on keeping into next year when I attend Bard College in New York (hopefully Brandeis University if I’m lucky enough to get off the wait-list). Life’s good!

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Definitely make sure that you have a strong support system like true, genuine friends that care about your well-being. I turn to my friends for everything. Even if you don’t have particularly strong friendships with anything, even knowing that you have the option to turn to others for help is really important to remember.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with trying to live up to many societal norms/pressures while still staying sane. For example, I had always felt pressure to take the hardest classes in school to impress other people. I was never really happy with my grades even when they were good. Also, I sometimes found myself not wanting to speak my mind because I was afraid of what others may think of me.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

When I was getting ready to enter my junior year of high school, I told myself I was only going to worry about myself. Fortunately, that is exactly what I did. Knowing this was going to be an especially important academic year for me, I took classes I know I could do well in, while still challenging myself. I found myself to be a lot happier as I relieved myself of many of the unnecessary stresses weighing me down. I also started to really be myself around others, in other words, I was no longer afraid to express myself and true thoughts.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

For those having a tough time, I’d say just stay true to yourself. I have realized that staying true to yourself is one of the most important things in life. You should always do what you feel is right and never be afraid to be yourself. Nobody else is living your life so why should they chose how you live it? I wish someone had told me those exact words when I was younger. Everyone is self-conscious to an extent but no-one should ever not feel comfortable with themselves because of who they are.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I struggled with schizophrenia. I deal with this almost every night. At night I feel something trying to disturbingly grab me. I let the hours go by then I try to go to sleep or my mother lays with me. I am a strong woman for waking up every morning and doing my everyday tasks.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I try to be strong and let the few hours go by then try to fall asleep. But I wake up in the morning and make my day like nothing weird happened. I will be alright. Someday all pain is going to stop, I strongly believe.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Yes, when I won a lawsuit against principal of my old high school because after I was in a different school, so I was doing anything to get my high school diploma, even tutoring after school. I definitely had to turn my life around like 0 to 100.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is the same, I still have my problem I have to deal with. I am just trying to stay busy now to keep distracted.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I want everybody going through any struggle to know that they are not alone. There is someone watching over you to make sure you are okay, so don’t be frightened.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I was a painfully shy child. I was afraid of everything. My grandparents, whom I saw every weekend, slowly got me out of my shell and encouraged me to try many new things. My grandma’s rule with new food was “two bites” and then you can decide if you never want to eat it again. I can remember being afraid that my grandpa was going to drive off the dam when we were taking a boat ride on the lake which they lived at.

Everything really got bad my freshman year. I couldn’t find friends. The most memorable thing that set me into a downwards spiral was when I asked to sit with some of my friends the first day at lunch. There were literally 4 chairs open and they said I could not sit with them. Apparently there was no room. Just like in Mean Girls, I was rejected from the lunch table. I started skipping lunch and going to the band room. Then food became uninteresting. I lost a lot of weight my freshman year. Too much. People started noticing and telling me I looked great, but I didn’t feel great. I felt exhausted. My parents were getting mad at me for hiding in my room and skipping dinner at times. I lied to them about eating. I realized I had a problem, so naturally, I tried to fix it. I started going to lunch. I was crying one day, sitting at a lunch table by myself, and one of the seniors noticed and told me I could sit at her table. They were all music geeks like me, I figured I could relate. That’s the worst things ever got for me, besides last year, my junior year when everything started piling up. The stress was eating me alive and people were noticing. I do a lot. My junior year consisted of: band, jazz band gigs, multiple honors bands, basketball, volleyball, National Honor Society, Straight A’s, and a loaded class schedule. I’m sure I’m forgetting something, but you get the gist. I was freaking out and crying almost on a daily basis with everything. I started isolating myself.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

During my junior year was when people really started to reach out to me. One day I was crying and the school psychologist saw me. That was an “oh crap” moment. He proceeded to check in with me throughout the year. He told me one day that I work harder than any college student, and that I should be careful because he didn’t want me to burn out. Everything was just out of control a lot, and he kept “suggesting” or hinting that I could talk to him anytime I wanted, but I was afraid to. I don’t know why, I just couldn’t. Then this year, I finally decided to talk to him because I was having some troubles adjusting at the beginning of the year and wanted someone to listen, since my mom basically rejected listening to me. My dad lives far away and I found myself missing him a lot, since it’d been about 4 months since I had seen him. I talked to him and it wasn’t bad at all. It honestly helped so much. Sometimes you just need that one person to listen and tell you they care about how you feel and that, yes, it is hard, and yes, you can get through it.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I’m not so sure if there’s been any turning points yet because I still have my days and weeks where it seems a bit hopeless. But, despite those days and weeks, I still manage to get through it and do what I’m supposed to be doing.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Now, I’m trying to keep the motivation to make it through my senior year. It’s hard, but I’m getting there. I want to be a music teacher, so I’m stressed out with preparing for scholarship auditions by taking private clarinet and piano lessons on top of regular band and practicing solos, basketball, grades, and choosing between colleges. I’ve accomplished a lot musically, just recently I received a scholarship to pay for my music lessons in full.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

To people who are struggling: Please remember that you are better than you think, more loved than you think, and are so incredibly important.

What’s helped me?: I wish I would have reached out to talk to someone earlier. It seriously would have been so much more manageable my freshman year had I talked to someone about my struggles.

How did it all start? When did you first start experiencing symptoms or using?

I was involved in a lot of activities when I was younger – I practiced Kung Fu and Tae Kwon Do, played the alto saxophone, drums, guitar, and piano, was one of the best goalies in my travel soccer league, was the first girl to sign up at the local skate park. But I was born to a mother who spent the first eight years of my life with undiagnosed bipolar disorder and rarely got off the couch, and a father who is a pilot and was never home. In 2003, she was diagnosed with Bipolar 2; the same year I was diagnosed with Migraine.

This diagnosis is what changed my life. I remember the first sign something was wrong when I started self-harming at age 11. My migraines were manageable at first, but that was before I was diagnosed with Chronic Migraine in 2008. This qualifies as 15 headache days a month, 8 or more of which are migraines. That’s when the self-harm got really serious and has been an issue all the way up until now. My parents were oblivious for 6 years. I managed to stop for just over one full year, but that wasn’t permanent.

I was forced to drop out of high school before it was even legal to because my school refused to make the necessary accommodations for me to get an education while dealing with chronic migraines. Instead, they tried to place me in alternative education where they stuck the kids who didn’t show up to school because they chose not to. I refused to do this, so they sent me to a tutoring club – as if I could make it there after school hours instead, but still with a migraine. They thought I was full of it, so I stopped attending high school just before my 15th birthday and waited two years to turn 17 and get my GED, which I did not want. I was probably one of the very few kids in my high school who really did want to learn and this is something I still struggle to accept.

What kind of help did you get at first? Did it work?

I would say the first kind of help I attempted to get was through a neurologist right when I was first diagnosed with migraines in 2003. I was told I would be a guinea pig until we found something that worked. I saw several different neurologists and I was hospitalized more than once for migraines. I pumped full of morphine four separate times before I was 17 for over 3 week long bouts of pain. I was prescribed medication for migraines that then caused polycystic ovarian syndrome – a hormonal disorder that causes depression and anxiety, as well as inappropriate masculine features in women. As you can imagine, this just boosted my self-esteem through the roof.

My first help with depression came the same year I was diagnosed with Chronic Migraine. I was prescribed Prozac at first, which made my migraines much worse, and told to see a therapist. No, it did not work.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Things started to change for the better when I met my second therapist. This woman, may she rest in peace, made such an impact in my life. Because of the isolation from the people in my town due to my migraines, I met my now boyfriend of nearly five years online. She helped me make it through the difficult months of waiting to turn 17 to take the GED test and move to Maine to be with my boyfriend as well as start college. While I ran into very similar problems at this school as I did at my high school, (they did not have a disability coordinator so the Dean, who knew nothing about the ADA, was “dealing” with it. I failed my courses because they, too, couldn’t make the simple accommodations to the attendance policy that I needed), I was not nearly as affected because everything else in life was so new and fresh. I spent 2 years in Maine until my boyfriend and I decided to move back to Connecticut because as it turns out, he has family here too.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Now, I have managed to pass a total of 14 college courses and am currently going to school both in person and online. I’m studying horticulture and pursuing a floral design certificate online. I’ve had a few jobs, only one of which has been affected majorly by migraines. I’ve learned that I am always going to run into people who do not realize Migraine is a disease, not just pain. It is not just a headache – I cannot drive, eat, open my eyes in the sun, bend over, or think of simple words for that matter. I see auras and it’s like someone is like someone setting off a fireworks display three feet from my face. Because of this, I’m working towards owning my own business. My boyfriend and I would like to have a farm or a nursery down in Florida someday.

However, I was hospitalized last month for depression and I am in an intensive outpatient program to learn how to deal with the thoughts and feelings I’ve been having. I’ve come to this website to make sure that one day, I will own my own business. To make sure that I’ll make it.