What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have always had issues with my mother and her way of coping. She was never the nicest woman. But it always seemed to reflect onto me; in the way she tore me down, the way she smacked me around the house no matter how hard I tried to please her. Then suddenly, she was gone. And I was free. But grief, depression, and psychotic episodes broke me down even further than I’d intended. I feared that I would BE her in the long run; that someone who was dead… Was someone who would never leave me alone.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

For a long while I didn’t feel the need to turn to support. It was the feeling of, ‘they won’t understand’, ‘who are they to me?’, ‘they’ll treat me like her’, etc. And they had. They did what I feared and sent me away to a facility to be treated. I was furious, I was hurt, I was… Lost. And it felt as though I was continuing to lose the battle I’d never begun to understand. When I got out for the second time, the psychiatrists enrolled me in intensive out=patient therapy. Even then, I was still confused and bitter.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Ironically, it was during my treatment in IOP that things began to change gears. One person -the man who ran the group- sat across the way and told me how I wore masks, accused me of not wanting to get better the worse. Everyone in the group agreed with him. And it was then that I understood something HAD to change.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I enrolled in a Mental Health CT workshop for young writers, I got back into writing not for the sake of anyone else but for myself, I began to draw again… I look forward to the day I get back on stage like I used to and feel the thrill of taking on a character’s role. Most recently, I got accepted into college to pursue a career in Psychology. I got up and got a job despite the state calling me ‘disabled’. I pushed myself to pursue my interests even if I feel like they’re making me angrier rather than happier. I made the effort to get back on track, and it feels good.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

To those who are having a tough go, or are going through a bad moment… I would express that perhaps it’s not about where they came from at the time, but where they’ll end up. Their scars from their experiences, whether they be shallow or deep, cannot define who we are in the long run even if they follow us for a lifetime. So don’t waste that long licking them, or you’ll lose sight of who you really should be in the end.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have lived what most would recognize as a charmed life. I am an only child, I have two loving and supportive parents who are still married. I went to good schools, I was involved in gifted programs throughout school and I have always seemed to thrive academically. But no one has ever really known my inner feelings of depression, loneliness, crippling anxiety and my excessive stress overload that I bring upon myself. I am now, 24 years old. Throughout my childhood years, I didn’t think life could possibly be better. I had friends, a great family, school. But inching into my young adult and now early 20’s a lot has happened to me and it has affected how I view myself, others and the world as a whole. I had never been one for dating in school. Boys didn’t interest me and my goals were too lofty to waste time on meaningless relationships. That was until I met my first boyfriend. Joe. We met when I was 19. He was it for me. I thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. Have kids. Live somewhere fabulous. But that dream came to a startling halt. He started showing signs of aggression and abuse. Being that I was always someone who wanted to help others, I stayed, despite the mental and sometimes physical abuse. It progressively got worse. I kept telling myself he would change. It would stop because he loved me so much, he would never seriously hurt me. Well, he did. The ending of our relationship was a physical altercation that ended in his arrest and me going to the hospital. If this wasn’t traumatic enough, I was also pregnant at the time. I would later miscarry that baby and that would start my downward spiral into depression. After this, I played it safe with dating. I dated a few guys here and there but nothing of any serious nature. Then, my current husband and I started dating. He has a very colorful past and little did I know it would come into play in our marriage. It has recently come out that he has cheated on me while he was away for work. We are trying to work through this indiscretion but I am finding that it is almost impossible to do. Aside from that, we are in the middle of a custody battle from hell. His mother, (biological), has had guardianship of his daughter since her birth mother passed away when she was just a baby. His mother was supposed to give his daughter back after he was fully rehabilitated from his addictions and bad behavior after the mother of his child passed away. Well, this did not happen. She withheld his child from him, and he has had to take her to court to get her guardianship terminated. This has proven to be the worst possible idea ever. She has repeatedly tried to get us to end our relationship, she has tried on numerous occasions to get my husband arrested by making false police claims. She is an awful woman. The last 5 years of my life have been horrible. Full of anger, hate, sadness, and guilt. I feel like I am falling down a rabbit hole that I just can’t get out of.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I had thought that counseling wasn’t for me. I had put it off for years. Due to the recent chaos between my husband and I and his family, we decided to try counseling together. I felt that it benefited us for the better, but after a while, we started making excuses and ended our sessions.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I haven’t experienced any turning points yet. I am waiting for karma and God to take the wheel from me and allow me to do what I have been doing and trust that things will get better eventually.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I recently got hired at my dream job, so that has been a plus. My husband was granted majority custody of his daughter for now and we have a final court date this next month to hopefully get our daughter back 100% of the time.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Everything happens for a reason. If it is taking longer for you to reach a goal, that is because it isn’t the right time for you to have it, or you haven’t put in the correct amount of work to acquire it yet. Just be patient. Your life has a plan and whether you believe in a higher power or not, just trust that your life will work out. Be open to happiness, stay true to yourself, don’t ever change for anyone, and love yourself first. Above everything and everyone else.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I struggled with being abused. The abuse was physical, mental and emotional. It became too much when I realized some people would never change.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I received support from my family and friends, it helped somewhat but it wasn’t enough to keep me away.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Things became better when I left my abuser.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is better I can say. No more stress, drama, and or any form of abuse. I’m a single mother working as a delivery driver and going to college for medical assisting and after I graduate I plan to do videography.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I’d probably say it takes one step at a time. You have to know when enough is enough for you and be strong enough to stick by it. I wish I would’ve known that a person such as him was out there and could reach someone like me. I wish I would’ve known ahead of time the signs to look for that meant ‘run for your life’

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I don’t struggle, I battle with depression, agoraphobia, and PTSD. It became too much 1 year ago.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I got none. No one wanted to help me and that just leaves me to help myself.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I moved away from those who abused me, made me feel like I wasn’t even worth to be called dirt. But they still try to pry their way back in.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I have a son. He makes me laugh like I haven’t laughed in years. He’s my accomplishment. My husband and i got an apartment. We don’t have a couch. Just two camping chairs. We literally don’t have much but we’re safe.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

No matter how many times they say sorry, if they’re still doing horrible things to you after that you need to push them away. Get away from them. They make it worse.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

My father and sister are both diagnosed with Bi-polar and on a daily basis of my childhood they would have outbursts at unreasonable times. This would cause my family to argue or turn against each other on the flip of a dime, it became a very tense situation. There wasn’t a way in which we could all live in harmony without someone getting upset over a past event.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

My father would take his medications on some days and ignore it on others, when he did take them he would be very approachable, but also lazy. It kind of subdued most of his highs so hes not as loud or aggressive and he seemed to enjoy simpler things. As for my sister she had some counseling on how to manage her mood swings. From what I can tell, both methods helped for some things and not for others. In both cases though, their aggressive ticks were severely decreased and would much rather talk about how or what caused them to become angry and how we could resolve the issue.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

This is kind of answered a bit above, also my dad actually started to take his medication on a consistent basis.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My parents are divorced currently because of the negative side effects of PTSD, Bi-polar, depression and other illnesses and as time goes on and wounds are healed, they are considering getting back together and we think this time its for better and not for worse.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I think the first thing that should be done is talking about the situation and to make sure not to escalate it. Make sure to seek out medical attentions for anyone with anger management issues, whether it is related to bi-polar disease or not. If someone is expecting huge uncontrollable mood swings and cant explain why they acted the way they did, also try to get medical attention. The first ways to mend things are to realize there is a problem and then find a way to solve the problem so that everyone can live in harmony. Your family cares about you, your friends care about you, make sure you care enough about them to realize when you have a problem. You’ll help yourself and everyone around you. No one loses.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with mental illness since I was a child. When I was around six years old, I began to experience anxiety and school avoidance. As I got older, I began to have overwhelmingly strong emotions that I struggled to cope with. Later, when I was 8 I began struggling with my body image and started going on small diets. When I was 10, it became apparent that I was beginning to struggle from an eating disorder. Throughout my adolescence I continued to struggle with eating disorders by restricting and binge-eating and purging. When I was 12, I was hospitalized for the first time after going to a boarding school. Overwhelmed by anxiety and depression, I began to self harm and think of suicide. This began a journey through mental illness that has followed me since. I struggled with self-harm, drug and alcohol abuse, depression, anxiety, BPD, and PTSD throughout my entire adolescence and have survived multiple suicide attempts.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

When I was 8 years old, I began to see a therapist. Before then, my family and I went to family therapy because of an abusive relationship my mom was in. At this point, neither things seemed to give me any relief from my anxiety or overwhelming emotions. I was in psychiatric hospitals multiple times over a span of 8 years. Some of these hospitalizations helped to stabilize me, particularly after suicide attempts or long spans of self-harm. However, I still was not able to make enough progress to begin feeling ‘better’ during any of these periods.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

With drinking and drug use, I had a big turning point after voluntarily going to an inpatient rehab. Being diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder at 18, beginning DBT, and learning about my diagnoses was a big help as well. However, this was only the beginning of a long, ongoing journey. I think the biggest turning point in my life was becoming pregnant. When I realized I would soon be a mom, I was forced to look at the way I was raised; thinking of how it felt growing up with an unstable and mentally ill mom, and how my mental illness had affected those I loved. This was the point in my life when I was forced to take my mental wellness and safety more seriously than ever. I was able to stop cutting and begin the work that was necessary to get a stronger handle over my BPD and anxiety particularly.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Being a single mom is hard, and my anxiety is constant. However, I mostly worry about things I can control; being the kind of mom my daughter needs, and taking care of her. I try to use this anxiety to help motivate me to move forward, rather than getting stuck in the worry. Of course, at times, I worry over many things I have little control over. However, I find my mind is so busy taking care of an infant that I have little time to ruminate. Willow helps me to move forward and work towards mental wellness and stability. Although I still struggle with symptoms, I am constantly evaluating myself and trying to work towards my goals in therapy and my personal life. I know who I want to be, and I’m learning how to get there more and more every day.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

My favorite quote is:
“I may not be where I want to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be.” (Joyce Meyer)
This is something I remember throughout the day. We forget our strength and resilience while we are struggling. But, there is never a time in our lives when things are beyond repair- no matter how strongly we may believe so. I remember the darkness I have come from and know that although I received help, I am the one who pulled myself out of it. For that I am unbelievably strong and brave. Hearing that ‘things get better’ can feel uncertain and vague (although its true). Instead, know that it is impossible for things to stay the same. What goes up must come down, and that is a constant flow we live with. As hopeless as things may seem in a moment, they can not possibly stay that way forever. Give yourself credit for the strength and resilience you posses. You have made it this far; you are a survivor and you have amazing strength.

If you would like to follow my journey of mental illness recovery, motherhood, and life click the read my blog, Well For Willow.