What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with a lot. I feel like they’re all sort of interconnected. I used to blame myself, my thought being that I was just weak. I would tell myself other people have been through so much worse, how can I be so depressed and anxious? But now I realize that it’s not that I was weak. Everyone responds to their traumas differently. I’ve realized how strong I am because honestly, I have been through so much, but I still keep pushing forward everyday, even when I really don’t want to.

I’ve struggled with disordered eating. I felt like I had no control over anything in my life, but starving myself and skipping meals was something I could control. It was never so much about my weight because I have been small my entire life. It was really about grasping onto the control it made me feel like I had. As I got older, starving myself became a way to physically harm myself because I just really felt like I deserved to suffer. That was something I struggled with on and off from middle school through college. There are still days where I unintentionally don’t eat because my body’s regular hunger signals are all over the place from years of disordered eating.

Another thing I have really struggled with is depression. I’ve had thoughts of suicide since I was probably in middle school. I was in middle school writing suicide notes and stuffing them in between my mattress and boxspring. I would plot and plan, but I never did anything. It wasn’t always that I actually wanted to die and be completely done. I just wanted to escape the situation I was in and that seemed like the only way. There are days I don’t want to get out of bed. There are days I want to just sleep. There are days I can’t stop crying throughout the day. I would literally be at work or in class with tears silently streaming down my face. The depression doesn’t come around as much as it used to, but I do still struggle. Despite what people might tell you, recovery isn’t linear. It’s okay to have good and bad days, it happens. Life can’t be like the fairytales, bad things happen and it’s okay to react to them.

Another thing I have had issues with is my anxiety. I don’t think I had ever really had full blow anxiety until I was in college, but that also might just be when I really recognized it for what it was. When I was in college, there was one drunken night when I made one of the worst decisions of my life. Someone offered me a pill (Red Bull, it was MDMA) and they told me it would make me happy (I was really depressed because my best friend had just attempted suicide and she had almost completed). Drunk me decided it was a great idea.

I had a horrible trip. I was screaming and throwing myself up the walls in a bed. By the end of the night my hair was in a giant knot from throwing myself around. It was after that night that I started to have issues with anxiety. Drugs like MDMA are meant to significantly spike serotonin, a chemical in the brain that’s makes you feel good. The issue is, after taking it, it depletes it and causes psychological effects. When the anxiety got really bad, I finally had to tell my mom what I did and she took me to a special naturopathic doctor where I ran tests to see how chemically imbalanced my brain was so I could take things to try and balance it out.

A few months after the incident, I had my first panic attack. I had no idea what it was, so naturally, I thought I was dying. Increased heart rate, extreme feeling of impending doom…I felt like if I stopped moving, I was going to die. I was convinced I was having a heart attack or something and that I was going to drop dead. I was at work and I eventually called my friend to get me from work and I wanted her to take me to the hospital, but she knew it was a panic attack and she was able to calm me down.

One of the things nobody tells you about anxiety is that it’s more than just feeling nervous. For me, it’s the physical symptoms that really get me because they really can be associated with real medical issues that might be life threatening. For me, my heart races, I get shortness of breath, my hands become numb, I feel nauseous, I get GI issues, I clench my teeth, and I’m sure there’s things I’m forgetting. And of course, these physical symptoms cause my anxiety to heighten. I would be in class or at work experiencing these symptoms and for people who don’t understand, it’s hard to be like hey I’m not okay and I can’t be here right now. One time I literally forced my doctor to give me an x-ray of my lungs because of the physical symptom shortness of breath. The x-ray came back and showed nothing was wrong and she suggested I see a therapist.

For a short period of time, I turned to substances to try and block everything out. It was a way to make myself numb. I wasn’t drinking and smoking just for fun. Honestly, a lot of the time I was doing it alone. I liked to drink or get high to the point where I was just a vegetable. I just didn’t want to feel anything. It was easier than being sober where my thoughts were running wild. This period didn’t last that long, and I’m sure my body thanks me for that. I chose to be completely sober a couple of years ago because I just knew having issues with depression and anxiety, I would try and turn to substances to try and make myself numb and I would take it too far.

At one point I started smoking cigarettes and to be completely honest it was another way of me just trying to harm myself. It’s horrible, but I was like I hope I get cancer and die a slow painful death. My reasoning? I felt like I deserved it. News flash, I don’t deserve it. Thankfully the cigarette smoking didn’t last long either.

At some point in college, I was getting really bad and I went to a therapist. I was barely functioning and it was effecting my school and work. I remember she diagnosed me with PTSD. I checked almost all of the boxes. I didn’t want to face it, and I stopped going to see her shortly after. Digging deep was bringing up stuff I didn’t want to remember and it was making me even worse emotionally to the point where I was crying what felt like 24/7.

Looking back now, I’m going to assume what she actually meant I had is CPTSD, not that that’s any better than just regular ole PTSD. Mine wasn’t from just one traumatic event, but from repeated trauma over YEARS. There are a lot of things that trigger me that don’t make sense to those around me because my brain was literally wired by trauma. I had to do a lot of things to try and protect myself growing up. It’s something I definitely try to work on, but there are so many things I have just buried deep down that a lot of my reactions to things that shouldn’t be issues are subconscious.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

When I was a freshman in college, my friend pushed me to go to CAPS (Counseling and Psychological Services) for therapy. I went in the spring semester and it worked. I figured I would be good to go for life, but man was I wrong.

I ended up going back my sophomore year, but I got a new intern. I felt like she was judging me (I was kind of spiraling and making just all around really bad decisions). I would tell her something, and I could just see in her face that she was thinking what is wrong with this girl. Honestly, it made me feel worse. I finished therapy through the semester and then I stopped thinking I was cured. Wrong again.

When I pulled myself out of school before the start of my junior year, I went to CAPS again and demanded they give me someone who wasn’t just an intern because I felt like I had way too many issues for the interns to help with. It was there that we decided I wouldn’t go to school that semester and one of the therapists there referred me to Sound Community in New London, CT to do a Dual Diagnosis Program.

The Dual Diagnosis was for people with substance abuse issues and mental health issues. It was a group therapy type thing. I was 20 at the time and I was the youngest one there. The adults loved me though, and there was one woman who told me I reminded her of her daughter. Another would draw me things. We were taught coping skills and just overall educated. We had worksheets and we did projects. I really learned a lot while I was there. I graduated the program sometime in October and I went into individual therapy with one of the people who led the group.

I absolutely loved my therapist I had been assigned. It felt like she really understood me. I was comfortable sharing everything and anything with her. She really helped me so much. I stopped seeing her when they made some changes and the group social workers couldn’t have individual clients anymore. We both agreed that I was ready and I was a lot better than when I first entered the program. Having a therapist you really connect with is SO IMPORTANT. If you don’t feel like you click with your therapist, absolutely try and look for another one because it will make a huge difference.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I graduated from college in August of 2020, five years after starting college in Fall of 2015. I graduated with a degree in New Media Studies with a concentration in Integrated Communication Media.

When I was in college, I started a blog called https://combatinganxiety.com/ as my senior project, I feel that sharing my story is really important for people that are struggling. It’s nice to know that you’re not alone. I share my story to try and help end the stigma. Discussing mental health should not be a taboo.

I have been working for my mom’s blog since 2015 and I really like the work. This summer I took a food photography course and I now take photos for her recipe posts! It’s really cool getting to see my photos published on her site and her social media.

2020 was rough, but it gave me time to really do things I wanted to do (I had been working multiple jobs and going to school for years and the pandemic gave me a break from that life). I really got back into photography and it has been great for my mental health going out hiking with my camera. I’ve also become a bit of a crazy bird lady and I love sharing my bird photos with others who love them as much as I do!

My biggest accomplishment to date is becoming Turning Point CT’s newest team member. I am now their social media assistant! This is my first job I have taken since I have graduated and I am so happy to be a part of something and to help make a difference!

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Well for one, you are NOT alone!

Second, recovery is by no means linear. You can’t expect to just be happy all the time and not depressed or anxious or struggling. You absolutely cannot beat yourself up if you’re having a hard time in your recovery. It just isn’t helpful to beat yourself up. Acknowledge those feelings and try and figure out why you’re feeling those things. Acknowledging those feelings is much better than just shoving everything down.

Third, there are so many resources out there! The internet makes access to information so easy. Social media is a great way to connect with others that may be going through similar things.

Lastly – Hang in there!

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with bipolar disorder for years. It became too much when I was a teenager going undiagnosed and untreated. I had no idea why I felt so much and reacted so much- it became my whole identity and I felt out of control.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

At first, I went to an APRN, therapist, and psychiatrist and none of them seemed equipped to understand me. They either gave out medication too easily and without much information or dismissed my concerns and refused to give compassion, it only made me feel more unbalanced and invalid.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

My first turning point was when I received my diagnosis. I thought that being told I was bipolar would scare me because of the stigma surrounding it, but it instead gave me so much comfort. I read about the disorder, listened to my brain and body, sought out a kind therapist, and learned that I am just as valid as anyone else. “Normal” people are just common people- it’s okay to be different. If I had the option to be mentally healthy and not bipolar, I truly would not take it. The ability to feel this much is one of my favorite things.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life now is filled with love and mindfulness. I feel like I understand myself more than I ever thought possible and have begun to see my immense amount of feelings as a gift. People who aren’t bipolar don’t feel the extreme emotions that we do, it’s absolutely wild and makes me feel like a superhero. Even though it feels like a curse when I’m sad, I wouldn’t change myself. I’ve begun to pride myself and embrace my mental illness as it’s helped me understand and appreciate myself more.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

You don’t have to heal all of your trauma and struggles before you can live a fulfilling life! You are a gift!

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and various other forms of poor mental health for most of my life. My parents say I was anxious even as an infant, but the impact of my anxiety has certainly ebbed and flowed throughout my life. I usually describe my mental health struggles as having anxiety and depressive tendencies, because while I haven’t always technically fit a diagnosis of depression I feel that it’s been lurking underneath the surface for most of my life even when I wasn’t technically struggling from depression. I have always been easily distressed, and I have experienced symptoms of other specific mental illnesses in spurts along the way.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I made it through K-12 schooling and most of college without receiving treatment because I was seemingly functional–my grades have always been good good, and because I was successful and high achieving, I relied on sheer force of will to get through school even though I was falling apart on the inside and suffering greatly. That wasn’t sustainable, though, and I finally started seeing a therapist last fall.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

The first turning point for me was when I left for college, leaving behind an unhealthy school environment and family dynamic. My new environment was so much better that I felt, at least for a little while, like my problems had gone away. However, eventually they crept back into my life. Another turning point where I felt like I was actually doing much better was during the first few months of the pandemic, when for the first time in my life I could make my priority taking care of my mental health and sleeping, exercising, and socializing without stress from schoolwork.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Right now, I’m struggling with the mental health effects of the pandemic. Though initially the pandemic was an excuse to focus on myself, now I’m having to try to maintain my mental health while also working while existing in a global crisis. While I have learned much about myself, such as the fact that I can actually feel healthy and hopeful when I have the opportunity to prioritize my well-being, I’m struggling to apply that knowledge to the world we live in right now.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I used to feel selfish for prioritizing my self and well-being, until I heard a favorite saying of mine that I’ve since learned to be true: You can’t pour from an empty cup. Meaning, the more that you take care of yourself, the more you can take care of others. In that sense, it’s not selfish to focus on taking care of yourself, because it’s much harder to provide love, empathy, and compassion to the ones you love when you are struggling.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I’ve struggled with anxiety for a long, long time. Sort of constantly, like it was all. the. TIME. It got to be way too much and I really started hating myself and thinking I was always the problem in every situation. I also struggled with hating the way I look, how my voice sounds, and a lot of other things that just make me who I am, which made me lose a lot of self confidence.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

First, I tried journaling and listening to music as a form of letting out all my stress, but sometimes, reading what I had written just made me more sad about how anxious I was and what I had become.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

The biggest turning point for me was when I met my boyfriend. He has always been an incredible listener, and he always tells me how much I mean to him and makes me feel really valued and loved.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I feel like a MUCH happier person. I’ve done some things that would’ve been way out of my comfort zone like 8 months ago. I feel like I’m much more of a valid person, and I’ve been able to do some things I’ve always wanted to do (even as simple as wearing a certain Halloween costume) due to this newfound self confidence.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

What I’d like to tell people is that sometimes the right people haven’t found you yet, and it might make you feel like you could never have friends or never be loved and valued, but I assure you, the right person or the right people to make you feel the best you ever have are on their way, and when they find you or you find them you’ll know exactly where you belong.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with anxiety my whole life and it became too much when I began taking harder classes in school as well as extra curricular activities.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

At first I just looked to my parents for support, but then I began going to a psychologist in order to express my feelings and get help from those who are there to help.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

One turning point was when I realized my worth and began to stop caring so much about what other people thought. When I began to focus on myself and my own improvement, I began to become less anxious.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is going pretty smoothly now. I graduated high school and moved on to a prestigious universities where I participate in many mental health and wellness clubs in order to share my story.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I would tell people that it gets better. Even at your lowest point and when you do not want to hear these words because you do not believe them, you need to keep fighting. Fight for yourself.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

In high school, I struggled with body-image issues and restrictive eating habits. I was a Varsity Track Athlete and ran 6-7 times a week. I struggled with my self-worth because I thought I had to obtain an extremely thin frame in order to be liked more. I reached my lowest point around the time I turned 15 and was a size 00. At the time, I celebrated this, but my health quickly started deteriorating. For the rest of high school, I was able to put back on some more weight, but always worked myself too hard and didn’t eat enough. I struggled with whether I would ever feel ‘good enough’ and was scared of getting heavier.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

When my family noticed I was starting to pass out more and more, they became very concerned. My mom encouraged me to see food as fuel, and to try to avoid counting calories or trying fad diets. I could tell she was worried, and at first I did try to take better care of myself. However, I struggled with making healthy decisions, because I felt like I got positive attention from my peers when I looked skinnier. It took me until I got to college to stop tracking everything I ate, and to see exercise as a fun stress reliever rather than a daily chore.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Freshman year of college, I tried so hard to stay in the same shape as I was in high school. I quickly learned that in order to do so, my life would have to revolve around meal prep and spending hours in the gym each day. By the end of that first year, I decided that enough was enough. Over time, I thought about how much happier I would be if I loved my body for how it is, and stopped punishing myself for not being thin enough. Things changed for the better once I made the decision to love myself and treat my body with more respect. What also helped were the more positive friendships I made while at school. Getting involved in different clubs and extra-curriculars, I began to see that I am liked for my character and personality…not for how much I weigh.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Today, there are still some moments where I find myself having negative thoughts about my body and worth. However, I know that self-love is something that can always be worked and improved upon, and I am so proud of how far I’ve come. I still love to eat healthy foods and go running/to the gym. The difference is that I now do this to feel good, rather than to try to constantly change my body. I no longer step on a scale or get discouraged when last year’s jeans won’t fit. I know that I matter, and what’s on the outside won’t change that. My goal is to lead a happy and fulfilling life, while getting the opportunity to make a positive impact on those around me.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

For those who may be struggling with a similar issue, know that it takes time. I didn’t wake up one day and automatically love myself. Over time, I realized my worth, and kept reminding myself of why my past habits were negatively affecting the way I get to enjoy my life. Challenge yourself every day to break harmful habits, even if you have to take baby steps. Seek support from family or friends you trust, and seek environments in which you feel comfortable and accepted.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I struggle with Schizoaffective disorder and it became too much when I was in high school. I was about 14 when I began experiencing symptoms of depression and anxiety. It became too much when I was a sophomore in high school. I couldn’t seem to get my assignments done and I was losing focus in class. It became so overwhelming I was outplaced in a therapeutic school. When I graduated things started to get worse. I spent some time in a hospital due to a suicide attempt and had to drop out of college. I started to deal with mania and psychosis soon after. Currently I am working on recovery and trying to reach certain goals to become functional in society.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I started with basic therapy but that didn’t help much so my therapist recommended I take DBT. At the time, my depression made me reluctant to view help as hope so I didn’t get much out of it. When I went to the hospital they also used DBT. This time however, I was more open to trying it out. Some tools I learned helped me get through my hospital stay. I still use some of those tools today. I was also tried on several medications that didn’t do much for me but luckily I have found a medication that works for most of my symptoms.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

When I received the correct diagnosis and changed therapists is when things started to get better. When my diagnosis was changed I was given different medications that made my life more manageable. During that time I was able to leave the house and do things that I didn’t have the motivation to do before.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Currently, my life has been like a whack-a-mole. When one issue is resolved another pops up. It is definitely a struggle but I haven’t given up hope. I’ve been able to develop tools that are very therapeutic for me such as baking. I am working towards overcoming my fear of the outside world and finding a future for myself.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

My best advice would be to reach out to someone even if you feel like there is no hope in getting help. As alone as you may feel in the moment, there are others who can relate. I wish I’d reached out earlier and expressed what was on my mind. No one can read your mind so you need to speak up. When someone is trying to help you it is important to be as open and honest as possible even if it hurts. It’s for the best because in the long run it will benefit you greatly.

If you’d like to reply to Mariah’s Story, click here!

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with depression, stress, and anxiety. It became too much when I had started becoming suicidal and my mom wanted to take me out of school so I can focus on getting myself together.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

My basketball coach seen that I was struggling and she set me up with a counselor instead of practicing and made sure that I set up appointments to talk to my counselor. It took some time to get used to talking to someone about my issues, but it was very successful.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

There were turning points where things started to become better. I realized that I needed to gain more confidence and be myself. I will eventually have to live for myself and do what is best for me. I became more outgoing and made lots of friends who actually care about me.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is completely different. I want to be able to help others who have been through or currently going through personal issues that are mentally draining. I have been able to accomplish the goal of getting over my fears, graduating from college, and breaking out of my quiet shell. I want to be able to help guide others down a positive path instead of a negative one.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I would tell them to “grow through what you go through.” This is a quote that I live by. It helped me realize that it is alright to go through things, but it is not alright to let the negative things kill me. I had to learn to grow and not let things hold me back from wanting to become successful and accomplish my goals. Never let someone see you down, always walk tall, talk tall, and stand tall.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I’d like to preface this by saying that my story’s far from the worst example of OCD. I’ve heard stories of far worse anxiety than mine, and far worse compulsions and effects on their lives.

When I was 16, I began struggling with religious OCD. In other words, this meant that my obsessive fears were over religious topics–namely, going to Hell. And, as is indicative of OCD, I began performing compulsions to alleviate these fears. These compulsions took the form of specific prayers for repentance for “sins” I believe I had committed.

The list of these sins was broad. At the time, I was following a strict interpretation of the Christian Bible, taking to heart quotes such as Luke 14:26– “If any man come to Me and hate not his father and mother, and wife and children, and brethren and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple.” For me, this meant that any thoughts I had that were about myself were automatically sinful, meaning that I would be spending a lot of time believing myself to be headed for Hell. And even if I had repented compulsively for hours on end, there was still that sense of uncertainty that drives OCD: “what if it’s not enough?”

Of course, there was a honeymoon period in my religious experience, before my OCD started taking off. I remember tracking the date as December 18th, 2017. I had something of a conversion experience– I resolved to put my religious faith first over everything else. I’d had an internal fear of Hell for as long as I’d remembered; now, I would do something about it. I would become the kind of religious the Bible had talked about. I would do everything I could not to go to Hell.

My anxiety actually dropped as a result of this. For the first time in my life, I had no fear of Hell, and while I was praying more, I was still able to go about my life as I initially had. But then I started noticing a feeling in the back of my brain compelling me to behave certain ways– more religious ways. I called this feeling the Urge, and it was starting to ask the question, “are you really saved?” “I don’t know,” was the answer. And so, the compulsions started slowly.

There were very specific things I had to do not to go to Hell. For example, if I were walking down the street and I didn’t compulsively pick up every bit of trash I saw, I was going to Hell. If I didn’t evangelize to a certain group of kids I had deemed to be sinful, I was going to Hell. If I read, watched Netflix, or did anything that wasn’t inherently religious in nature, I was going to Hell. And the only way out of this was to pay a tax, one that I spent hours trying to pay, ending up crying many nights, as I would be down on the floor with my face covered, Bible next to me, telling God that I was sorry and to please save me.

Eventually, it reached a bit of a breaking point, which I’ll talk about in a later category.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

After a year of this happening, I reached out to my mom. I told her that I thought I had OCD. I wasn’t sure myself, but I knew that something was wrong, and it seemed to be the closest thing that fit. My mom initially thought that I didn’t have the symptoms, but after we talked for a while, she decided to sign me up for therapy. We made sure to find a therapist who was religious, and I had my first meeting with him in March 2019, a month after having talked to my mom. He turned out to be amazing, and we got really close. I was diagnosed with OCD in the coming months.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I do have one turning point, but it falls into the “you have to move backwards to move forwards” category.

Things got a lot worse in the Summer of 2019. In the last few weeks of school, I’d been watching a series of online sermons about how to know for certain if you were saved. They gave lists of ways to tell based on Bible verses, and after examining these signs, I started to realize that I didn’t meet these criteria.

This was when things started to change. For the first time, I had certainty, though it was the opposite certainty that I was looking to hear. The people in the sermons said that if you realize you weren’t saved, then you had to get on your knees and pray until God decided to save you. So, I became convinced that I had to keep repenting, that my OCD was right, and that anything my parents told me or my therapist told me was Satan trying to get me to stop. And so it began.

The problem was compounded by my lack of distraction. During school, I had something to do other than compulsions. But during Summer, I would spend almost entire days on the floor, begging God to save me and watching more sermons. I was hoping they would say something different, and occasionally they did. Sometimes, I would be able to trick myself into thinking that I met their signs. But in the end, I always came back to OCD’s compulsions.

My turning point came in the middle of August, when one day, just as suddenly as I had decided to become religious, I stopped believing in Christianity. I stopped believing in Hell, and so I didn’t fear it anymore. My obsession dried up, and so the compulsions stopped too.

My therapist told me that there will always be a part of me that reacts differently to certain things, but in those months following my turning point moment, we worked together to keep OCD from rising back up. It’s still with me, its hold over me gone, only flaring up occasionally until I can bring it back down.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I’m coming up on the one year anniversary of my last compulsion. It was a bit of a struggle to find new meaning after my religious beliefs changed, but I think I’m starting to get the hang of it. I’ve started writing, which has proved to be a major passion. I’ve been fixing the relationships that have been hurt by my OCD. I’ve started writing a novel, and I’m a fifth of the way through.

Life’s looking brighter now, all in all.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Spirituality isn’t bad, by any means. I’ve never stopped respecting religion, particularly those devout people with the courage to give their lives to it. And making sacrifices for a higher purpose is incredibly honorable. But you have to be doing it because it’s what you want, not because you’re forced to by an underlying condition. Seek out help; people care. And when you begin to recover from these issues, you’ll find that you’re free to follow your faith how you desire, and it will be clearer as a result. Only through recovery can you have the spiritual experience you want to have.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled my entire life with anxiety, and just recently with depression. I grew up in the Midwest, and I had never even heard about mental illness as a concept until I moved to Connecticut in 2015. We didn’t talk about it at home. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I didn’t know why I couldn’t make simple decisions without having trouble breathing, and crying (I found out later that is what happens when you have a panic attack) I didn’t know why it took me forever to fall asleep, I didn’t know why I couldn’t make friends as easily as other people, When I moved to Connecticut in January of 2015, I went into a new school in a higher grade than I had been in. All of the other kids were older than I was, and I didn’t have any friends that first year. My mental health was really bad at that time but I didn’t know anything about mental health, I didn’t even know that that was what I was struggling with, so I didn’t get help.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

In 2017 I went to the doctor for a checkup and they had me take a mental health screening test. They told me I tested higher than average for kids my age and that they were going to refer me to a therapist. I was surprised because of my very limited knowledge about mental health, and I didn’t even know I had anxiety until I started psychotherapy (talk therapy). For the first year I was in psychotherapy I didn’t really tell anyone about my anxiety, and I didn’t reach out for help besides from my therapist. This wasn’t working for me, because I only saw my therapist once a week and I needed support more often than that.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

About two years ago, I found out my mom had depression, and my aunt, cousins, and grandma also struggle with depression, anxiety, and ADHD. I realized that it wasn’t just me in the world, it wasn’t just my therapist who I could reach out to. I started to talk with my family more about my mental health, and that conversation is really important and has helped me through some really tough times. I also found the mental health community on social media, and in my school with my friends, which helped me to realized that I am not alone. I have a support system, and I can and should reach out when I am struggling.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I struggle with depression and anxiety on a daily basis. My therapist has helped me realize that mental illness isn’t a one-and-done, do this and you’re cured type of health problem. It is always going to be a part of your life, and recovery isn’t about “curing” it (because a lot of times these things can’t be cured) but it’s about learning to peacefully coexist, take charge of your own life, and not letting it control who you are. My life is a lot better since I have realized this, I am able to interact with people with more confidence, I do public speaking for my school, which would have been impossible for me two years ago. I am still working towards asking for help. This past year was tough for me and I have a hard time admitting when I can’t handle something, but I am working towards being mindful of my mental health when making decisions, not letting it control me but keeping in mind what I need to do to stay mentally healthy. I had a period last winter where I was so stressed I didn’t have my period for two months. I was feeling so burnt out that my body wasn’t functioning normally, and part of therapy is noticing unhealthy behavior patterns. I was trying to do too much and it was negatively affecting my health. But I noticed it and was able to make changes to prevent that from happening again.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

You are never as alone as you feel. Tons of people struggle with mental illness, and there are resources all around you if you need them. There is the option of medication, and therapy, but even talking to your family members, to a counselor at school, and going online to websites like Turning Point, or the National Alliance on Mental Illness. There are so many resources for people like us, and hopefully that helps you if you are struggling.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety disorder when I was around 17 and more recently, body dysmorphia. However, I have been struggling with my mental health well before any official explanations were given to me.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I have been in and out of therapy since my freshman year of high school. I didn’t feel like anything was helping until my senior year of high school when I found a therapist I liked and who I felt understood me. She eventually suggested a psychiatrist to help me manage my health with medication. After finding this combination of support, I realized the importance of finding therapists/professionals who you feel comfortable with. Sometimes it takes a few tries and patience to find a good fit and that is totally okay.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

After being in college for about a year and struggling to adjust, I had a turning point moment when I confronted what I really wanted and was feeling and decided to transfer to a new school. I felt supported by family, friends, and professionals and was finally getting used to being on medication for anxiety and depression after months of trying to find the right combination of medicine that worked for me.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Life has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs and that it normal and something I’ve come to accept. Everyday is different and some are better than others but I’m happy and have a great support system.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

To anybody having a difficult time: be patient with yourself. In my experience, things are never as bad as they seem and stay close to the things that make you happy and that you enjoy. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling and if you can, talk to someone you’re comfortable with.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with depression, social anxiety, self harm, suicidal idealization, emotional physical abuse, bullying, teen dating violence, and anorexia. It became too much when I turned 15. I was self harming, practicing unhealthy eating habits and and my current girlfriend was emotionally abusing me.(yes I am lesbian)I decided to give up. I attempted suicide. I was brought to the local ER. I was able to go home that night. The next day me and my mom got into a fight and she was very angry and said “I will throw you out of this car” and I stupidly said “do it”. That night I got taken to the ER again but that time i was there for 3 days in the crisis unit and was placed in an inpatient mental hospital. In there I attempted to kill myself again. Luckily the staff stopped it before I lost a lot of blood. A year later I am still recovering. I am 1 1/2 months clean.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

At first it was an intensive outpatient. It didn’t work.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

About 2 months ago. I changed therapists, I moved to DBT therapy which is working.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is currently really well. I have made so much progress I still have anxiety attacks and my depressed days. But I am clean.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

What I would say to someone struggling is it gets better. It will always get better. Nothing anyone says or does to you defines you. It is not worth your life. Your life is worth way more than you will ever know, And hurting yourself will also hurt others. People do care about you.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I was diagnosed with a severe onset of Bipolar Disorder at the age of 10. Everything happened almost instantly. I was very paranoid, out of touch with reality, and depressed. I was extremely symptomatic, and that was just the scratch on the surface of a 16 year journey I would embark on.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

As far as support, no one really knew what to do, or how do address the actual problem was because of the severity of the illness and many different symptoms. I ended up being loaded up medications by different doctors over the years, repeatedly going in and out of different impatient hospitals and DCF placements. They all much pretty much had a negative impact at the time being.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

There were 4 huge turning points which would end up being the transition to an improbable recovery story. After a 4th uncompleted suicide attempt, I realized I was here for a reason, I wasn’t sure what that was, but I was going to find out. One thing that was always true to my nature is helping others and making a difference. The 2nd turning point was finding out the main diagnosis with everyone on the same page. An evaluation was done when I was 22, and they found out I had PTSD. There was validation, trust amongst everyone helping move forward. I ended up getting the right treatment and care which was extremely significant. Also 2 big components to this. Stability and consistency. When that is something you have lacked your entire life and has effects on various aspects its almost impossible to get better. The final and most significant turning point was being able to “Let go”. A lot of bad things happened growing up and actions I had done, and I always felt guilty after them, I was very hard on myself. I am my own worst critic and always will be. People have told me It wasn’t my fault because of how sick I was and that I had no control over things that had happened. And once I was able to forgive myself for those actions in the past, an immense amount of weight was lifted and burdens were gone. This was when I was 23 years old. Also finding “inner peace”. I realize that I may not have the materialistic things that people my age have, but I have gone through adversity at such a young age and overcome trials and tribulations that can’t even be fathomed. Once i was able to have that acceptance and became satisfied with myself, I became satisfied with life..

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Life is going very well right now, and there isn’t really much more I could ask for. I work 2 jobs currently. I am employed with Advocacy Unlimited and Join Rise Be. I also am an Assistant Director for a before and after school program that takes place at an elementary school with ages K-5. I live in my own apartment, am self sufficient and financially stable. I am heavily involved in the Young Adult Mental Health Advocacy Movement across Connecticut. I have testified at the Legislative Office Building in Hartford regarding services they were trying to close, met with a couple senators educating them on the beneficial parts of what they provide. Being apart of multiple conferences regarding mental health, Running a workshop on Self Expression and Advocacy, was a recipient of the 2019 individual advocacy award through Keep The Promise and other care proving agencies. I had extremely low standards that people set for me at 10 years old. That I should have been taken away from my family. I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society, and much more. I was able to prove those wrong and accomplish what has lead to an improbable recovery story. A goal I am working towards is finding out what career I will have involving work as an advocate. I am apart and helped others in many different ways and paths. What seems to be most helpful is sharing my recovery story with others, and actively engaging in these types of conversations. I can articulate them in ways where people who have similar struggles can relate, and people who have influence on power, policy, and procedure and understand from different perspectives. I am blessed to be able to do that.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

There are several things I would tell people who are having a hard time, and things I wish I knew earlier. Know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Its there, it might take awhile for some people, and longer for others, but that’s the beauty of walking your own path and having your own story to influence others. Also know you aren’t alone. There are times where it feels like you are, but you aren’t. Be open minded. There are some services/advice/strategies that may not help. But some will. Have that mindset and continue to work hard every day and stay dedicated. Finally, turning knowledge into wisdom.Knowledge is power. I am all about perspective, insight, self awareness, and .growing and learning as an individual every day. An example of this is if you are going through a similar struggle or scenario you had previously dealt with, reflect back on what worked and what didn’t and apply that to the best of your capabilities. Don’t get stuck on the past and fixate on it though, “Its good to look back at the past and see what path you had gone down, but also use it as way to pave a new road going forward”-
Alex Perfetto

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with depression and anxiety, it became to much when i had no outlets and was giving up on everything and not able to go to school. it was my senior year and I was overwhelmed and scared to not graduate with my best friend. that was the first time I couldn’t handle it.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

at first I was being sent to a outpatient program after school, I was also seeing a psychiatrist for the first time. it was helpful because I was around other people my age dealing with these things that I have not been through and there was a common level of respect there. the psychiatrist worked with me and really understood me and knew that I knew what was best.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

when my guidance counselor advocated for me and really worked with me to help me reach my goal of graduating on time really helped me mentally because it made me feel like I wasn’t hopeless and have a chance

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

my life now is great, there were a lot of rough patches and moments where I though I was done. I kept on scratching and clawing my way up and beginning of 2019 I was in a place where I was ready to start working on the rest of my life. I have since obtained Recovery Support Specialist certification and a job to start supporting my self.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

one thing I want to say is no matter how bad it gets, there is always something to look forward to no matter how minuscule it is. the thing I’ve realized more recently is life is like a rubber band in that when your getting pulled back you are always being sent forward.

If you’d like to reply to Skyler’s Story, click here!

Hi friends, my name is Ella and I am the new Project Coordinator at TurningPointCT. I am a young adult myself and I thought that it would be good to tear down the curtain so you could see that the person behind it may not be so different to you.

With this being the case I thought I would introduce myself and my experiences with mental illness and unhealthy coping mechanisms. My name is Ella and I identify as a cis female using the pronouns she, hers. I am 21 years old (a taurus), I spent the first 10 years of my life in England, but South West Connecticut has been my home for the past 11 years. I went through the Darien Public School System and went to the Rhode Island School of Design for 2 years to pursue illustration (the image at the header of this is a piece I completed about depression in 2015). I am now an online student at Lesley University studying Psychology. My story has been far from the straight forward, as few stories of mental health are.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, and unhealthy coping mechanisms since about the age of 16. I was never given a full diagnosis other than clinical depression and generalized anxiety, but I believe that a lot of my experiences and symptoms align with Borderline Personality Disorder. I had always been an introverted and anxious child growing up, but my first real experience with mental illness came when I was around 16. My depression and anxiety was triggered by my first relationship which ended up being pretty codependent and toxic, along with other social problems and the building pressure to academically excel. At the age of 18 everything became too much and I came very close to self harm and suicide.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

When I began experiencing depression and anxiety to the point that it was interfering with my life I decided to talk to my parents about what I was going through. Luckily they were incredibly supportive and they helped me to start seeing a therapist and psychiatrist and I was treated through a combination of talk therapy, CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), and medication. This treatment regime kept me afloat through my senior year, getting accepted into college, and graduation, but shortly after everything fell apart.

I was absolutely exhausted from years of unresolved and unhealthy beliefs that I had about myself. I felt like I was totally unworthy of love and I felt that the world was a better place without me in it. I had constant thoughts of self harm and suicide, which were frankly terrifying to face on a daily basis. My parents and I decided it would be best for me to be placed in an inpatient program at Silver Hill Hospital where I would be safe from myself and would be set on track for a healthy recovery.

I spent about 8 days inpatient going through individualized therapy and medication evaluation along with group therapy activities and sessions such as DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and art therapy. I came out of my time inpatient raw, but in a much healthier place. I continued my treatment that summer in an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) that focused on learning DBT skills. This was a group therapy setting with other adolescents my age and younger. I learned so many valuable skills in controlling my emotions, communication and mindfulness.

About a month after this group ended, I packed up my things and headed off to Rhode Island for my first year of college. Arguably, starting my college career so soon after a really turbulent mental period in my life and after a semester away at school things started to fall apart again. I was anxious about my classes and my course load so an unhealthy coping mechanism I developed was to just stop going to my classes. This of course snowballed and I had a much bigger problem on my hands. I felt like such a failure and that I was wasting my time and my parents money and support. I reached out to the administration and decided that taking a medical leave of absence and returning the following spring was the best course of action. I spent that year seeing a therapist and working really hard to recover my mental health and to develop healthier coping mechanisms. When I returned the following spring I barely managed to keep my head above water again.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

At this point I felt hopeless and decided that I needed to take an indefinite break from my education and I returned home to live with my parents again. I got a job at a local coffee shop and slowly started building up my self worth and the belief that I was capable again. Rebuilding my self confidence was truly a battle and I still struggle with this today, but I took small steps like getting a part time job, and then taking a few classes at a local college as a visiting student.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Slowly but surely, I started to believe in myself again and I got to the point where I felt ready and excited to restart my education and search for a more fulfilling job. I began my online degree in Psychology so I could remain at home and save money and shortly after I was offered the job here at TurningPointCT.org as the Project Coordinator. A year ago I could not have believed that I would be where I am today. I am starting to understand that the only thing in my way of living the life that I want is myself. I do still struggle with my mental health, and some days truly are better than others, but I am continuing my efforts to be happier and healthier to see more good days than bad. I am working towards getting to the point where I feel able to help others still struggling with their mental health through my job here at TurningPointCT.org or as a peer.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I heard this a lot as a teen while in recovery and I had a hard time believing it, but things do get better and it does get easier. I know that the problems that you are facing today feel BIG, and they may be, but with time things get smaller and less important and one day it will be a distant memory. Whatever you believe will manifest itself in your actions and behaviors, so why not give yourself a chance? You may surprise yourself.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I struggled with child hood abuse, social anxiety, depression, and self harm

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

At first I went to my friends that I trusted. They helped me to stop self harm for the first time but did not help when I relapsed.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

When I was 13 my mom found my blade under my bed and got me the help I needed by getting a therapist.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Today I am still struggling with my social anxiety and self harm but my depression is not as bad and I got adopted by my 2 wonderful moms.I’m so much better that 3 years ago.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Just fight and stay strong. You will get through it

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What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Many hardships have plagued my life when I think about my existence. Some souls just seem to be predisposed for misfortune. Despite having a happy and loving childhood, this is also the time where my struggles started. I could talk easily speak upon the terrible things that derailed my life at such a young age, but I’d much rather begin with where these things truly began effecting me. I became aware of my possible depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder in high school. A slight identity crisis came over me and it ripped me away from the person I was or wanted to be. I questioned my worth and felt misunderstood in a world that I knew deep in my heart, had the potential to be beautiful. Due to my lack of understanding, acceptance, and most importantly self-love, I allowed my emotions to skew this potential vision. It became too much when I finally tried to take my life at the age of 15. It saddens me to think that I contemplated death before I genuinely realized I needed help, but that’s the truth.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

Throughout the years, I’ve been lucky enough to have received a multitude of outlets for support. It all began with talk therapy. For the first few months worth of sessions, I stayed silent. I had yet to make the realization that if I were to feel any better, I had to be willing to accept the help I was being offered. Once I allowed myself to be vulnerable with the universe, and more specifically my therapist, I noticed gradual changes in my psyche. I was also introduced to a psychiatrist and placed on a few different anti-depressants and mood stabilizers. After doing my own research on mental illness, I came to the conclusion that I knew what was best for me and medication was out of the question. I knew that If were to truly be better, I had to master my emotions and learn to cope with them. Of course there’s more to my support system but that’s how it all began! Looking back, I can truly say that I am grateful for everyone and everything that supported me when I wasn’t very lovable.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Most definitely! Talk therapy did that for me. I was not used to someone sitting down with me and just talking about everything I had experienced and felt the week prior. Besides simply speaking upon my emotions, she gave me tons of techniques to implement and practice in my waking life to be a better, stronger, and more kind human being. It took quite a bit of time and energy to create comfortable state of mind for myself but I can honestly say I feel like a master piece and a work in progress at the same time.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Life feels peaceful. I realize now that all of the pain, struggles, mistakes, abandonment, disappointments, losses, failures and so on that I have experienced has meaning. These things helped me to learn an extremely vital key to my existence: There’s beauty to be found in everything! Some days it’s harder to see than other but I promise you, the world is round for a reason. If you continue to radiate positive energy, kindness, appreciation, gratitude, and love, it will reciprocate in your life. It’s just the way the universe works!

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Healing starts within! No one in this world can force you to change. You must first have the desire to be better then be willing to seek out whatever it is that will benefit you and your journey. If you do not have an unconditional love, a whole-hearted acceptance, and a true understanding for your own mind body and soul, how can you expect to love, accept, and trust anyone else? Please take the time to prioritize your life to make your energy, your passions, your dreams, your happiness, and especially your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health come first. When you are loving, kind, and gentle with yourself, you are able to perceive the world around you in similar manner. Everything that you could ever want in life is waiting for you. So be accepting of change, embrace the unknown! Fear should have no place in your life. The journey is the destination. Just please believe in the power of peace, love, and positivity. Don’t wait for a better tomorrow, create it!

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Trauma has been a part of my story, for as long as I can remember. Not too long after came PTSD, codependency, chronic pain and then came addiction. My addiction brought me to my knees. Oblivion was my reprieve. I was spiraling out of control with no end in sight. Opiates had me by the throat and I failed to realize just how far down the scale I had fallen.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

Prescription in hand, I felt completely justified. After all, I did have a prescription from a doctor. I failed to mention that I was not taking the medication, as prescribed, ever. Oh and I always finished the prescription long before it was time for a refill. I found myself facing serious legal consequences and I finally surrendered. I left for detox and then a dual-diagnosis treatment center, and it changed my life. Underneath all of the drugs and alcohol was a scared little 5 year old girl that never cleared the wreckage from her past. I was forced to dance with my fears and I never looked back. Accepting treatment was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I will never forget that day in my caseload group… the dreadful day that I was forced to be vulnerable in front of a group of my peers. I am rebellious by nature, but when anything emotional came up, I was an emotional vault. I had been wearing my traumas like a warm blanket for over 20 years and yet I was still refusing to face them. The group facilitator continued to ‘poke the bear’ until I lost my composure. I absolutely word vomited every painful experience with rage and deep rooted pain, in front of a group of 15 other people. The release was instantaneous and the response was so full of love and support. That day was truly the turning point for me. You see, drugs and alcohol were never my problem. The truth is, my fundamental inability to deal with anything emotional was my problem. I felt like I was standing completely naked in a room with spectators and I’ve never experienced more freedom.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I have been sober almost three years now. Today, I gravitate towards things that make me uncomfortable. I know that through discomfort comes adversity, but ultimately comes growth. I continue to seek ongoing PTSD therapy and I am actively involved in my local AA community. I stay connected to the women I’ve met in sobriety. Some days, they carry me when I cannot carry myself. Sharing my experiences with other women struggling with co-occurring disorders gives me hope. I work for Recovery Local and I get the opportunity to spread hope to other struggling addicts daily. I am a successful and present mother to two beautiful children and they give me so much purpose. I have the opportunity to show up for the people that mean the most. Pursuing the things that set my soul on fire has been my saving grace. I have finally found my purpose and this has been the driving force for me to continue the good fight.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

If you are struggling with addiction, be mindful that there is no cookie cutter way to deal with the overwhelming feelings that follow. Allow yourself to feel every emotion as it ebbs and flows, without judgement. Avoid isolation and reach out for support from people you trust. Grief is all encompassing but there is hope found in the most unexpected places. Support groups and tapping into family and friends, saved my life. I found hope when I called detoxlocal.com. The resources on their site grabbed my attention. However, the representative I spoke with held my hand every step of the way. For the first time in my life, I didn’t feel judgement but rather unconditional love and support. Detox Local has a nationwide directory of accredited detox centers as well as an overwhelming amount of resources.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with suicidal ideation. At 14 I made my first attempt on my life. I was hospitalized soon after. After a three month stay in a psychiatric inpatient in New York I returned home in Connecticut for two weeks. I made another attempt which had a significant impact on my physical help. I was prescribed an antidepressant soon after. I was admitted to the same New York hospital for the duration of the medication trial, for three more months. Over the next seven years and several medications ranging from antipsychotics, to antidepressants (SSRIs), and mood stabilizers, I had amassed for years and nine months in intensive inpatients and psychiatric residentials around Connecticut. All due to repeated suicide attempts and self harm related incidents.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I was initially repeatedly admitted to inpatients. My family did not believe that I was legitimately experiencing a distorted existential crisis. Our culture does not recognize any mental challenges. I was not receptive to the western therapies provided nor were they modified to fit my background.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Things began to change upon my admission to the state hospital in Connecticut. There, I refused any psychotrophic medication. I was convinced that in order to think differently, I need to seek out information that related to other individuals afflicted with suicidal ideation. This is where my interest in neuropsychology began. After learning about how the brain is left with significant impressions after traumatic events and the means to rewire certain neurotransmitters in people with a fair amount of brain plasticity, I was convinced that I could recondition myself and lessen the impact of my suicidal thoughts. Since then, I have dedicated countless hours of research into the subject and remain motivated to share that medication is not the only option when addressing individuals with varying mental challenges.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I am now a Training Coordinator an warmline operator for Join Rise Be (Advocacy Unlimited) in Connecticut. I am also an executive officer for the NAACP. I intend on continuing down the path of activism and advocacy from those whom are disadvantaged or underrepresented and oppressed by our society’s infrastructure.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I would suggest that they seek out as much information as possible on their affliction. The more information that you have on your “flaws”, the more empowered you are. You should never seek to change but rather, better yourself. And do not lose hope for better circumstances nor an improved perspective on your life. No one will save you from yourself, you must be prepared to fight your own perceived deficits.

If I could give myself some advice then, I would tell myself to learn more about the medication before being convinced that they alone could possibly ease my suffering.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

From the age of 13 I began to combat developing feelings of Depression and Generalized Anxiety. I grew up in an Upper-Middle class family, in a nice area, I had loving parents that got along and followed the rules. However, regardless of my fortunate atmosphere I started to feel things I’d never felt before. Following were self-mutilation, sleep deprivation, and good ol’ Psychiatric Hospitalization. It was a progressive disease developing in my head in which I had perceived was slowly rotting my brain. A hopeless case of defeat in which there would never be a cure for the sickness in my brain. I was introduced to Marijuana around the age of 14, and boy did that help me out. If I was bored, I could smoke, if I was mad or sad, I could smoke, if I was happy, then let’s smoke!!! Like any other teen I had my justifications, “It’s a plant, they use it for cancer, it evokes creativity, it’s going to be legal soon”, I didn’t understand that without it, I was defenseless against my thinking disease, and in the process unleashed a new one, the disease of addiction. I told myself the boundaries were limited to pot, my addiction told me that it was okay to drink, use tobacco, do whip-its, and then gradually intensified from there. If I didn’t have a way to get high I needed to find a way to, I started rummaging through family member’s pill cabinets, swallowing painkillers and muscle relaxers, stealing money from family to feed my addiction. Of course, at the time I was under no impression at all that I may have any sort of “substance abuse” problem. People told me I did but i didn’t see what the big deal was, I was just doing it for fun, I was just doing it because I like the way it felt, why can’t everyone just get off my back?! Well little did I know, the absence of drugs would push holes into my brain and heart, and when i would get high again it was to temporarily fill those holes for the time being. My diseases progressed with time, morphing into one evil that was separate from myself, a being that took over me, that was very clearly who I had been or was on the inside. My imagination took a sharp turn into sadistic thoughts powered by nihilism. I began to imagine different scenarios of me killing myself, every, single, day. This escalated until I found any excuse to get high, because it’s the only state I felt comfortable in.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Unfortunately for most teenagers and young adults, we are all very ignorant in our ways still, and it usually takes a significant event to change our minds about something. For me, it was the way my actions through using drugs (and alcohol) affected the people around me. It took a while, and those people got hurt so many times, but eventually I began to experience the feelings of selflessness. The pain that I caused around me opened up my eyes and allowed me to finally realize that I wasn’t the only one who was affected by my using. From there, I knew it was time to address my addiction.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life, is amazing now, I would have never imagined making the process I have so far in the short amount of time that I’ve put work into “recovery”. My mood is much more stable, I struggle with depression and anxiety MUCH less and at VERY little amounts of intensity. I can be trusted by my family and friends again. I don’t have to worry about leaving my phone out unattended. I’m so proud of myself for making a turn around in my life, especially being only 17.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Empowerment, you need to feel powerful. You need to gain a sense of control over your life, you need to feel confident in the words “I can do this”. Sometimes you need to hype yourself up, sometimes you have to listen to some energizing music, or drink caffeine, or sometimes….you just need someone to give a pep talk for you. I still do it all the time, “Hey Rob, I know this is gonna sound weird, but can you give me a little pep talk? I need somethin to get me goin”.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with pretty bad OCD. OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) is a disorder in which a person has uncontrollable, reoccurring thoughts (obsessions) and behaviors (compulsions) that he or she feels the urge to repeats over and over. Compulsion’s included counting, checking, ordering etc.… I started exhibiting symptoms of OCD when I was around 9. I’d spend my time checking/ordering my school bag, making sure everything I needed was in there preventing a future panic attack for when I realize I am missing something I need at school. Years ago, on my nightstand table, there was chap stick, glasses, water, and my earrings. I spent hours staring and counting each item on my night dresser until it finally ‘felt right’. I struggled maintaining friends because my OCD rituals would constantly interfere with what we were doing. I began to feel sad, as I was frustrated and confused. I didn’t understand what was happening to me. Once my OCD starting to truly interfere with my everyday life, my parents brought me to see a psychologist

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

The first support I got was from my parents. They listened to me through everything. They brought me to see several therapists to figure out what was wrong. Sooner or later I was diagnosed with OCD. Soon after, I went on medication and went to exposure therapy. Eventually, things got a lot better and I was able to continue on with my life.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I have seen so many therapists in my lifetime. It took months to find the right therapists for me. But once I found her, the search became worth it. This was a huge turning point, as I was finally able to confide in someone and learn techniques on how to subside the OCD.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Now I am mentally healthy. Although I am still on medication for my OCD, I am happy and haven’t experienced any OCD symptoms in a long time. I am now on the track to establish a career in psychology. I took AP Psychology as a senior and got an internship job for TurningPointCT to work with teens and adults with mental illnesses or substance abuse.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

To the people who are having a tough time – reach out. Ask for help. There is nothing wrong with needing help. You are not alone.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have lived what most would recognize as a charmed life. I am an only child, I have two loving and supportive parents who are still married. I went to good schools, I was involved in gifted programs throughout school and I have always seemed to thrive academically. But no one has ever really known my inner feelings of depression, loneliness, crippling anxiety and my excessive stress overload that I bring upon myself. I am now, 24 years old. Throughout my childhood years, I didn’t think life could possibly be better. I had friends, a great family, school. But inching into my young adult and now early 20’s a lot has happened to me and it has affected how I view myself, others and the world as a whole. I had never been one for dating in school. Boys didn’t interest me and my goals were too lofty to waste time on meaningless relationships. That was until I met my first boyfriend. Joe. We met when I was 19. He was it for me. I thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. Have kids. Live somewhere fabulous. But that dream came to a startling halt. He started showing signs of aggression and abuse. Being that I was always someone who wanted to help others, I stayed, despite the mental and sometimes physical abuse. It progressively got worse. I kept telling myself he would change. It would stop because he loved me so much, he would never seriously hurt me. Well, he did. The ending of our relationship was a physical altercation that ended in his arrest and me going to the hospital. If this wasn’t traumatic enough, I was also pregnant at the time. I would later miscarry that baby and that would start my downward spiral into depression. After this, I played it safe with dating. I dated a few guys here and there but nothing of any serious nature. Then, my current husband and I started dating. He has a very colorful past and little did I know it would come into play in our marriage. It has recently come out that he has cheated on me while he was away for work. We are trying to work through this indiscretion but I am finding that it is almost impossible to do. Aside from that, we are in the middle of a custody battle from hell. His mother, (biological), has had guardianship of his daughter since her birth mother passed away when she was just a baby. His mother was supposed to give his daughter back after he was fully rehabilitated from his addictions and bad behavior after the mother of his child passed away. Well, this did not happen. She withheld his child from him, and he has had to take her to court to get her guardianship terminated. This has proven to be the worst possible idea ever. She has repeatedly tried to get us to end our relationship, she has tried on numerous occasions to get my husband arrested by making false police claims. She is an awful woman. The last 5 years of my life have been horrible. Full of anger, hate, sadness, and guilt. I feel like I am falling down a rabbit hole that I just can’t get out of.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I had thought that counseling wasn’t for me. I had put it off for years. Due to the recent chaos between my husband and I and his family, we decided to try counseling together. I felt that it benefited us for the better, but after a while, we started making excuses and ended our sessions.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I haven’t experienced any turning points yet. I am waiting for karma and God to take the wheel from me and allow me to do what I have been doing and trust that things will get better eventually.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I recently got hired at my dream job, so that has been a plus. My husband was granted majority custody of his daughter for now and we have a final court date this next month to hopefully get our daughter back 100% of the time.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Everything happens for a reason. If it is taking longer for you to reach a goal, that is because it isn’t the right time for you to have it, or you haven’t put in the correct amount of work to acquire it yet. Just be patient. Your life has a plan and whether you believe in a higher power or not, just trust that your life will work out. Be open to happiness, stay true to yourself, don’t ever change for anyone, and love yourself first. Above everything and everyone else.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I don’t struggle, I battle with depression, agoraphobia, and PTSD. It became too much 1 year ago.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I got none. No one wanted to help me and that just leaves me to help myself.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I moved away from those who abused me, made me feel like I wasn’t even worth to be called dirt. But they still try to pry their way back in.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I have a son. He makes me laugh like I haven’t laughed in years. He’s my accomplishment. My husband and i got an apartment. We don’t have a couch. Just two camping chairs. We literally don’t have much but we’re safe.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

No matter how many times they say sorry, if they’re still doing horrible things to you after that you need to push them away. Get away from them. They make it worse.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

The Never Ending Cycle

October 24, 2009
Dr. E suggested I keep a writing journal along with the food journal, so here it is. She said to write about my progress (or lack thereof) plus anything else I want, and that it will be for my eyes only. I used to write in journals when I was younger, but opted out once I realized how much they brought my thoughts to life. Silly thoughts, dark thoughts, sometimes thoughts I never knew I had were all hastily materialized per blue ink scribbles. I soon learned that past me preferred to keep such thoughts from future me, and with that, the journaling ceased.
Today, the journaling commences.

October 26, 2009
I threw up today. I woke up knowing I would; not a single hint of doubt crossed my mind. I’m supposed to keep track of all the times I throw up and pursue possible motives, although I don’t know that there are any. My life really isn’t that hard, and I feel like naming “triggers” is just delegating blame. Have a bad day? Eat the problems away. Don’t like looking in that mirror? Try the toilet. Dropped a pencil on the floor? Go ahead and purge about it. And I do purge about it. I purge about this and that, every day.

October 30, 2009
Dr. E told me she doesn’t expect my habits to change overnight, and to not be discouraged on days like today, or like yesterday. She says once the new prescription kicks in (Prozac) that things should get easier. I’m finding it very hard to keep the food journal for reasons similar to why I couldn’t keep my childhood journals. Quantifying my binges makes me feel almost as sick as the binges themselves. I am aware that humans are not meant to bring so much food into their bodies. Before and during a binge my stomach has learned to disregard the concepts of “hungry” and “full,” and I’m not sure why.

November 5, 2009
Today’s therapy session brought up something I hadn’t thought about in years: when this all started. The first time I threw up was in the seventh grade. Recalling the details feels more like recalling a dream than an actual event that took place in a conscious state. It was in the bathroom sink, and I used a toothbrush instead of my fingers. The purge was both easy and painless, and I remember getting into bed that night thinking I had a new secret I would have to keep from the world. I lied down with a guileful grin, then drifted off into an effortless sleep. At the time, it was a solution to eliminating the perpetual discontent I had with my body. I thought I’d finally found the key to feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I felt I had discovered a covert loophole to the laws of physiology. Of course, it didn’t take long to realize that this wouldn’t be the incredible weight loss solution I had imagined (if anything I have gained weight since the cycle began), but here I am four years later.
That impassioned and temperamental middle schooler is worlds away from the young adult who stares back at me in the mirror now. Today I don’t ride the same emotional roller coaster. I don’t ride a tilt-a-whirl, or even carousel. I am stagnant in manner, aloof in presence. The anxiety and extreme self awareness we all encounter in our awkward pubescent stages had long been lifted, but nothing took their place. There is something quite magical about going through days uninfluenced by emotion. My ‘emotion log’ I was asked to fill out for Dr. E has the word “indifferent” written on Sunday, with an arrow leading it through the rest of the week. My boyfriend doesn’t get to hear the words “I love you” or experience any sort of sincere passion from my end. My friends are granted loyalty, honesty, confidence, but never genuine sympathy. My eyes don’t experience the swelling brought on by heart shattering tears, or by euphoric tears. I embrace the nothing. Nothing greets me every morning, then helps me sleep well at night. And through the years, my purges watched as the nothing slowly began to emerge.
Purges came long before the binging did. The latter was an inevitable aftermath. Once the two met, they linked hands, then chose my brain as their permanent place of residence. They haven’t parted with me since; they’re noisy and ornery and it’s impossible to forget them.

Nov 21, 2009
It’s been about two weeks since my last entry, and to be honest I’ve been avoiding writing in here. I told Dr. E I’m not fond of the journaling, but she says it might help me in the long run. I haven’t yet been given a reason not to trust her, so here is round two.
I threw up six times since Monday, and Dr. E said this is an improvement. I don’t exactly agree. The urges are just as bad, if not worse, and without them subsiding I don’t feel improved at all. For me, the urges are the worst part. Once one is triggered, it doesn’t go away. The urge to eat everything in plain sight takes over my thoughts until it is satisfied. This leads to the next urge, one just as strong, to relieve my body of every last bite.
I’m not proud to admit, even if it is just to future me, that I’ve relieved the urge in places outside of my own home. If the first hint of compulsion cannot be overcome, the cycle must reach completion. I’ve thrown up in friends’ bathrooms, I’ve thrown up in school bathrooms. One time I threw up in a bush in the backyard in the pouring rain, just to make sure I relieved the urge without my family hearing.
I really don’t like writing in journals.

Nov 24, 2009
I didn’t ever plan on going to therapy. I knew I had a problem, but I was convinced that I could stop the purging whenever I felt like it. I was convinced I was in control. I didn’t make a connection between the eating issues and my degrading emotion for a long time.
In the ninth grade my mother heard me throwing up. She called me into her bedroom after the fact and sat me down. I remember being caught off guard by her reaction; she wasn’t upset or worried, but rather angry and disappointed. In her eyes I was a young tenacious warrior, resilient to the petty pressures of adolescence. “This has to stop now,” she told me, “you need to be stronger.” I nodded and went to bed.
I didn’t receive any follow up questions or check-ins after the incident. The issue was brushed under the rug, and I couldn’t have been more relieved about it. The only thing I hated more than having the problem was talking about it.
Then one day, two years later, I finally recognized that hiding the problem wasn’t helping make it disappear, and that talking was my only other option. This time I called my mother into the room and sat her down. I admitted to my continuous struggles with the binging and purging between hysterical sobs. She cradled my shaking body, holding my head close to her heart. My mother may not have been able to identify with the problem, but this time it seemed as if she sincerely understood and accepted her daughter’s indecent flaw. Those were the first tears to escape my eyes in over a year, a prolonged imprisonment of emotions begging to be let out. I let them all out. A week later I found myself in Dr. E’s office.
I was nervous for my first day of therapy, as I had never talked to anyone about purging, let alone a perfect stranger. My mother offered to accompany me to the primary session for support. I accepted this offer.
I am at a loss for words to appropriately describe the feeling of having my mother in therapy that day. She had to hear her perfect little angel confess to the purges, describe them in their utmost detail. She had to listen to me define what a typical binge consisted of down to the last calorie. She took this all in silently with a blank face, and I have no idea what went through her mind. My voice trembled as it filled the cumbersome office air. It was the first time I’d verbalized any of this.
I was relieved when I first met Dr. E. My first impression was that she was very amicable, a good seven inches shorter than me with ivory white hair and a truly sympathetic demeanor. When I attend our weekly visits she listens thoughtfully and intently for the entire sixty minutes. She often wears a smile, which helps me feel relaxed. Her face is aged from a lifetime of grinning and laughter. In one of our earlier sessions we discussed the option of me going to a month long rehab clinic for other ‘bulimic’ adolescents where they’re given communal meals and daily therapy. I declined this offer, but it is still on the table if I decide I need the extra help. Judging by my food diary for this past week, it is still a viable option.

Nov 29, 2009
Today I was in math class when something happened. The back of my head began to swelter and pulsate, my vision blurred, and I lost feeling in my hands. I felt my brain liquify and begin to drip, drip, slowly down the inner lining of my skull. I became both unaware and hyper aware. Time stood still. I watched myself from a place within my own head, but also from a place thousands of miles away. For those few moments I was certain I was going to die. Once my legs were able to bear my weight, I stood up and walked out of the classroom. I paid no mind to the rest of my peers or the teacher. I had no mind to pay. I sat in the school bathroom until I was physically able to conjure thoughts and words, and to call my mother. Even though the hysteria was descending, she offered to pick me up if I didn’t feel comfortable staying at school. They say the crazy don’t know they’re crazy, but anyone who’s experienced this delusional reality can say that for those brief minutes, which feel like days, they are crazy. I left early with my mother that day. And for the first time in a long time, I was scared.

Dec 4, 2009
Dr. E isn’t surprised about the panic attacks. She says they’re probably a consequence to letting a lot of demons surface by talking about my struggles for the first time. Her words don’t help me because it doesn’t make them go away. She says only I can make them go away, but it’s difficult to believe her.
They have been coming out of nowhere, an abrupt assault of my most guarded possession: my mind. It is such a dreadful realization that I am no longer in full conscious control of my mind. At any moment, something beyond my scope of awareness can prompt its kidnap, and I am left to deal with the consequences. I don’t know where I’ll be when they come, and I am still not convinced that they’re harmless or temporary, so getting out of bed has become a real drag.

Dec 24, 2009
It’s been awhile since my last entry, and things are actually a bit better. The Prozac has finally come into full effect and has helped me more or less regain control of my psyche. I can now feel when the panic attacks are coming on and sometimes I can even make them go away before they fully surface. With the panic becoming my main priority, the binging and purging have taken a backseat in my mind.

Dec 27, 2009
Today I met with a nutritionist. Dr. E suggested it be the next step, since the frequency of purging has gone down, along with the urge. My older sister Maya asked to accompany me. My parents have always viewed her as the fragile, over-emotional daughter, while I was thought to be more stable and calloused. Maya, too, had problems with throwing up at my age, but never sought help. I admire her for being able to get through it on her own, something I could not do. Despite the dichotomous character roles assigned by our parents, I believe she is much stronger than I am, although she says she wishes she would have spoken up and gotten help like me.
The nutritionist gave me a couple of tips on how to eat healthy and to avoid food deficits because they trigger binges, which are followed by purges. She had a bunch of plastic food to help visually represent meal portion sizes. I’m pretty sure they were from those kid kitchen sets, so I couldn’t really take her seriously.

Jan 2, 2010
Since the cycle was broken, it really hasn’t been as hard to keep it that way. I’ve heard the first three days of being cut off from an addiction are the hardest, and then it slowly gets easier. As horrible as panic attacks are, they may have been just enough of a distraction to get over that initial three day roadblock, a blessing in disguise. I haven’t thrown up once since my last two entries, which may be the longest I’ve gone since the cycle began in seventh grade.

Jan 6, 2010
I have just finished my final scheduled therapy session. Dr. E agrees that I’m strong enough to no longer need sessions on a regular basis. Now that I’m not throwing up anymore or frightened with panic, we’ve honestly ran out of things to talk about. I never thought there would be such an abrupt end to such a perpetuated problem. The Prozac has helped with more than just controlling the cycle and panic attacks; I also feel less like a robot and more like a human being. I feel it has almost been too easy.
So, I guess this means bye bye journal. You’ll be going into the box in the garage along with the rest of them. You may have served your purpose these past couple of months, but now that my journey is ending I prefer to keep you with the rest, where I don’t have to see or think about these things anymore.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

TODAY:

Flipping through that journal so many years later fills me with mixed emotions. It brings me back to a time I hate to remember, but a time that is still relevant to me today. I wish I could say that hiding the journal meant closing the door to these problems, but over the years I’ve learned that it doesn’t. All my former struggles with the cycle creep up from off those pages, slither under doorways and around corners, then silently make their way up my unsuspecting body and into my head. I can go weeks, or even months feeling carefree, and then an urge will hit me, the same urge that has always hit me.
I would be lying if I said I could always suppress the urge to throw up again. I have had occasional relapses within the past years, though never as serious or prolonged as the original problem. I do still feel like an addict. As the years progress, I become more confident in my belief that bulimia is a real addiction.
When the urge surfaces, just as in the past, a switch is flipped in my mind that is much more difficult to turn off than to leave on. If left on, I stop thinking clearly. I get anxious and aggravated with the people around me. All I want to do is follow the same cycle I’ve grown accustomed to, and then the urge, with all the negative passion it brings, will go away. First, I eat. A lot. Then, with two fingers, I unearth the lowermost point of my emotions, as I reach the pit of my stomach. There, I find shame wearing relief’s disguise.
Thankfully, I usually do manage to switch off the urge when it first surfaces. Although, this isn’t quite as satisfying as it may sound. It leaves me with somewhat of an empty feeling that must slowly be forgotten throughout the course of the day. This feeling, however, pales in comparison to the awful feeling that overcomes me after a purge.
For every urge I’m not able to overcome, I tell myself that it will be the last time. I come to this false conclusion where I am certain I’ll remember how horrible that awful post-purge feeling is, and that I’ll never want to endure the same guilt again. The guilt of being too weak and hurting my body. The guilt of making a mess and wasting food. There is enough uncontrollable guilt in the world, and by relieving my urge, I add to the pool.
I used to not understand what perpetuated the cycle. The yearning to be thin would never be satisfied by this habit, which was something I learned soon after it began. There was instead something else, a different driving force only wearing the mask of addiction, which strongly persisted to be met. Addiction starts as a means to catch a high, but over time becomes the only feasible method of coping with life. The neurosis that built around the habit acted as a distraction from dealing with thoughts and emotions I felt powerless to. Addiction stands in for control, but it is nothing more than an illusion.
Throughout the years, the panic attacks have mostly retreated, along with my dependence on the little white serotonin boosting capsules of Prozac. It’s been a slow process, but I’ve been able to better accept emotions of all kinds as they initially arise. With a passion for love comes the pain of disappointment, and the thrill of risks brings the anxiety of failure, but in the end, living life makes much more sense to me in the context of emotion rather than the indifference I had once chosen.
Even with all the positive changes, I know I still have a lot of growing to do. I’m confident that, while I don’t think the urges will ever fully dissipate, they will continue to fade away and become easier to recognize and deal with as I become older and wiser. I am confident that one day I will be able to embrace my emotions fully instead of feeling the need to control them, or hide them behind a mask of binging and purging. I am confident that one day, opening the old journals won’t be such a dreaded experience. But, until that day, they will remain in that box.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Don’t let people shun you if you ever been sexually assaulted, raped, etc. and if they do, they don’t know your story. They are not in your shoes and know what you been through.
It was a nice summer evening, the sun was still out but on its way down. I just moved into the Continuum of Care elp 1 facility. Continuum of care is a Supportive living program. Anyways. about exactly one week later I was sexually assaulted by a man who does not live there. I was sitting on my back steps just admiring everything when this man walk up, acted friendly. At first I didn’t think much of it because I thought he was a resident wanting to welcome me into the program, as many of the residents there did. Not long after, I began to feel uncomfortable when he pulled out a big bottle of booze and started touching me. People I told were like why didn’t you get up and leave, why did continue to let him hurt you? I kept trying to explain that I had froze. I couldn’t get up, I was too afraid. Maybe about a half hour later, he led me to the basement, holding my arm. I tried to pull away but he gripped harder. In the basement was the wort part of the assault. he stripped me and began to do things to me. I was so afraid, but I still couldn’t move, and I couldn’t scream. That was almost four years ago. he never was arrested. The cops made it seem like I was wanting it because I let him. and his girlfriend would taunt me and have him on the phone on speaker phone saying things because he did get banned from coming to the program. After, my experience, I went through so many different emotions. The one emotion that was concerning to myself and to the staff there was anger. Over the years previous to the assault I was also angry. But this time was different. I would throw glass, plates, you name it. I threw a chair once across the room and even flipped a heavy table. I was so angry because I was building up so much emotions from the assault. Eventually that anger led me to the observation unit at Yale New Haven Hospital many times.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

Over the course of the year after the assault, I went to IOP at Yale. I went to DBT to learn how to cope with my anger. I dropped both as I felt they weren’t helping. I just can’t sit for four hours at a time learning how to cope. There has to be another way. Ding Ding Ding. I began Volunteering at the local animal shelter. I was so surprised they accepted me because they said it could take months for a volunteer to get a call after the orientation. I got a call within a week. working with the dogs was making me feel better. I was still receiving treatment at the young adult program. But in addition, I was helping myself and these dogs. There was one day when I broke down crying while walking one of the dogs, a pit bull to be exact. Pit bulls have a very bad rap. Anyways, while I sat down and cried while holding the dog leash, the beautiful dog came up to me and kissed me. It wasn’t until then that maybe animals were the true therapy that I may have needed. Unfortunately I couldn’t have pets at the place I lived at so I continued to volunteer.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

After thanksgiving, two years ago, I moved into a different apartment complex, still part of continuum but a this time ELP2. I broke the no pets rule shortly after my best friend died, which was several months after I had moved into that place. I adopted two female guinea pigs. I was able to keep them due to my high anxiety, my ptsd that I developed after I was assaulted and the depression. I eventually got a doctors note from my psychiatrist stating that they were my emotional support animals. That was the best thing. I feel these girls saved my life as I was ready to give up on everything.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Now I have my very own apartment, not part of continuum. I still have my girls whom I spoil every day. I’m like, they help me in so many different ways, why not spoil them? I have a job and My anxiety level isn’t as high as it was before I got them. I am able to manage my anger a lot better. I still deal with anxiety, I’m not sure If I will have it the rest of my life. But I learned better, healthier coping skills.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

If you are struggling, it’s OK to fall down, everyone does. Just pick yourself back up and keep trying. Teach yourself new ways to cope, don’t give up because eventually you will find the right one. I wish that someone would tell me that everything will be OK. I wish I had more support in my life. But having these animals are the real support that I needed.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

My father and sister are both diagnosed with Bi-polar and on a daily basis of my childhood they would have outbursts at unreasonable times. This would cause my family to argue or turn against each other on the flip of a dime, it became a very tense situation. There wasn’t a way in which we could all live in harmony without someone getting upset over a past event.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

My father would take his medications on some days and ignore it on others, when he did take them he would be very approachable, but also lazy. It kind of subdued most of his highs so hes not as loud or aggressive and he seemed to enjoy simpler things. As for my sister she had some counseling on how to manage her mood swings. From what I can tell, both methods helped for some things and not for others. In both cases though, their aggressive ticks were severely decreased and would much rather talk about how or what caused them to become angry and how we could resolve the issue.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

This is kind of answered a bit above, also my dad actually started to take his medication on a consistent basis.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My parents are divorced currently because of the negative side effects of PTSD, Bi-polar, depression and other illnesses and as time goes on and wounds are healed, they are considering getting back together and we think this time its for better and not for worse.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I think the first thing that should be done is talking about the situation and to make sure not to escalate it. Make sure to seek out medical attentions for anyone with anger management issues, whether it is related to bi-polar disease or not. If someone is expecting huge uncontrollable mood swings and cant explain why they acted the way they did, also try to get medical attention. The first ways to mend things are to realize there is a problem and then find a way to solve the problem so that everyone can live in harmony. Your family cares about you, your friends care about you, make sure you care enough about them to realize when you have a problem. You’ll help yourself and everyone around you. No one loses.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Ever since I was a five years old I always struggled with communicating with people and performing basic tasks. whether it was in school or out in the community I always had trouble fitting in. My peers did not want to be around me and a majority of them bullied me to the point where I would not want to go to school or even leave the house.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I never had any support growing up. I struggled for years without asking for any help. I was convinced to believe that everything happening to me was my fault. When I was thirteen I was always thinking about harming myself and could never sleep at night. I was always feeling sick to my stomach which I believe had to do with how I was feeling emotionally. Eventually when I turned nineteen I was able to find support in my area. The place was called BHcare. They had therapists and case managers who assist people struggling with mental illness. I never opened up to anyone throughout my childhood and teen hood. because I never trusted anybody. But as I started opening up to my therapist I started feeling better I felt like I found someone who won’t judge me or bully me.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

After about a year I found a job that I loved, I built good healthy relationships and started going to college. I felt as though I can be myself and not worry about what everyone else thinks of me.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Now four years later I graduated Recovery University and have a job at Advocacy Unlimited Inc and live on my own.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

My message to everyone is don’t be afraid to ask for help when you are struggling. There is help everywhere you just need to look for it.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with mental illness since I was a child. When I was around six years old, I began to experience anxiety and school avoidance. As I got older, I began to have overwhelmingly strong emotions that I struggled to cope with. Later, when I was 8 I began struggling with my body image and started going on small diets. When I was 10, it became apparent that I was beginning to struggle from an eating disorder. Throughout my adolescence I continued to struggle with eating disorders by restricting and binge-eating and purging. When I was 12, I was hospitalized for the first time after going to a boarding school. Overwhelmed by anxiety and depression, I began to self harm and think of suicide. This began a journey through mental illness that has followed me since. I struggled with self-harm, drug and alcohol abuse, depression, anxiety, BPD, and PTSD throughout my entire adolescence and have survived multiple suicide attempts.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

When I was 8 years old, I began to see a therapist. Before then, my family and I went to family therapy because of an abusive relationship my mom was in. At this point, neither things seemed to give me any relief from my anxiety or overwhelming emotions. I was in psychiatric hospitals multiple times over a span of 8 years. Some of these hospitalizations helped to stabilize me, particularly after suicide attempts or long spans of self-harm. However, I still was not able to make enough progress to begin feeling ‘better’ during any of these periods.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

With drinking and drug use, I had a big turning point after voluntarily going to an inpatient rehab. Being diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder at 18, beginning DBT, and learning about my diagnoses was a big help as well. However, this was only the beginning of a long, ongoing journey. I think the biggest turning point in my life was becoming pregnant. When I realized I would soon be a mom, I was forced to look at the way I was raised; thinking of how it felt growing up with an unstable and mentally ill mom, and how my mental illness had affected those I loved. This was the point in my life when I was forced to take my mental wellness and safety more seriously than ever. I was able to stop cutting and begin the work that was necessary to get a stronger handle over my BPD and anxiety particularly.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Being a single mom is hard, and my anxiety is constant. However, I mostly worry about things I can control; being the kind of mom my daughter needs, and taking care of her. I try to use this anxiety to help motivate me to move forward, rather than getting stuck in the worry. Of course, at times, I worry over many things I have little control over. However, I find my mind is so busy taking care of an infant that I have little time to ruminate. Willow helps me to move forward and work towards mental wellness and stability. Although I still struggle with symptoms, I am constantly evaluating myself and trying to work towards my goals in therapy and my personal life. I know who I want to be, and I’m learning how to get there more and more every day.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

My favorite quote is:
“I may not be where I want to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be.” (Joyce Meyer)
This is something I remember throughout the day. We forget our strength and resilience while we are struggling. But, there is never a time in our lives when things are beyond repair- no matter how strongly we may believe so. I remember the darkness I have come from and know that although I received help, I am the one who pulled myself out of it. For that I am unbelievably strong and brave. Hearing that ‘things get better’ can feel uncertain and vague (although its true). Instead, know that it is impossible for things to stay the same. What goes up must come down, and that is a constant flow we live with. As hopeless as things may seem in a moment, they can not possibly stay that way forever. Give yourself credit for the strength and resilience you posses. You have made it this far; you are a survivor and you have amazing strength.

If you would like to follow my journey of mental illness recovery, motherhood, and life click the read my blog, Well For Willow.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

My mental health has been an issue I have struggled with for 18+ years. I was very young when my parents realized I had so many irrational fears. I commend them now for getting me the help that I needed even as a young girl. At five years old, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Chronic Depression.

I have struggled on many occasions to go about my daily activities while simultaneously suffering from my mental illness. It took many years for me to make progress in my steps toward my mental health.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

The first time I realized I was not alone, I was a freshman in college. I was 18. It was the first time I had been away from home. My best friend had just left for the military. I was going through a horrible and traumatic roommate experience, and I was at the lowest of my lows. Something had to change for me. I went on a trip to the local mall with a few of the people who lived on my floor. One of them being the person I would eventually continue to live with for my remaining college years. She made a comment about something that made her nervous and she so bluntly said, “But I’m this way because I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder.”

Before that, I had never shared my experiences or my struggles with anyone. We discussed some of her struggles and I was in complete disbelief that someone shared her struggle so effortlessly and without being scared of judgement.

She inspired me. I became much more vocal about my struggles. I asked for help when I needed it. I demanded to be taken seriously regardless of my mental illness. I continue to speak with my friends and family members daily about the struggles I have, and the struggles that they have. My day goes on as I continue to make progress in my mental health and wellness.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

For the last 20 years of my life, I have been a proud member of Renee’s School of Dance. As I went through high school, college, and now grad school- the members of my dance class have been nothing but supportive, loving, and uplifting. They have been a part of my life for almost my whole life, and they are among the best support system I could have ever asked for.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

As a 23-year-old-grad-student-Harry-Potter-Loving-Cat-Mom, I am in a place in my life where I am comfortable being who I am. It has taken so long to get here and I am finally proud of who I have become.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

As human beings, we are constantly a work in progress. We have bad days, and good days, and then a lot more bad days. Take it one day at a time. Find something that makes you happy. Buy 20 of it. Use the bricks that people throw at you to build a castle.
And once you’ve built that castle, use your strength to help other people build their own.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Depression, self esteem, abuse and bullying. Being in 6th grade was the first time that I thought about hurting myself. When I was in the 6th grade I was bullied on my clothes, how tall I was, how I dressed and anything else u could think about. Although I was getting bullied in the 6th grade I was also getting bullied in the 5,6, and 7th grade, but in the 5th grade I got hit by this one girl because she didn’t like me.

When I was thinking about committing suicide it was not only because I was getting bullied, but I was also being abused by my father. He would give my sister a black eye, slap me into the wall and beat us until we had marks on our skin. When I had the thought of attempting suicide I didn’t act on my thoughts.

Here comes 7th grade, still getting bullied, I got tired of it and tried to fit in with people. I tried to fit in with them and what they were doing by stealing from my family. When I was in the 7th grade I had very low self-esteem and one day somebody was making me feel so good and made it seem like he wanted me. I did everything he asked me to do so that I could please him so that he could continue to make me feel good. However, he only wanted one thing and he took that thing away from me, then left me. I was 13 and he was 18. He took my innocence away from me which led me into a depression. I started to act different. I started to come in the house late, lie and tell them I’m going somewhere else. One day when I came in late, my mom was so upset that she had beat on me and made me try to attempt suicide again and that time I acted on it by cutting my arm. Had to go to the hospital and have them keep an eye on me to see if I was danger to myself or anyone else until they let me go home. At that time I was living with one of my aunts that was also abusing me, but she did not physically abuse me. The things she said to us, the way she treated us, acting like we were her slaves because we were homeless.  After that experience happened I had moved with my other aunt and I had done things that made her not want to raise kids anymore because all of hers were grown, so I went to live back with my dad. When I was with my dad I started to have flashbacks of how he treated me and one day I tried again to attempt suicide.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

When I was in 6th grade I was said enough is enough. I finally came out to my school counselor that I wanted to kill myself and it was then that I received help. I received treatment at Kempsville Center for Behavioral Health and yes, it worked.  I took some pills that were for depression and same thing happened again so after that they sent me to Kempsville for behavior health and I had to stay at Kemsville. The first 2 stays were only a week which didn’t help, but the last time I attempted suicide on December 12, I had overdosed to the point where I passed out. I was going in and out of consciousness, then rushed to the emergency room where had to get my stomach pumped because I took so many pills. My plan was to die, so why didn’t I? I didn’t die because I had one chance to give it to the Lord and I got one more chance to get the help that I needed. So I went back to Kempsville and stayed 10 months. That was the optimal 10 months of my life because I stared to know that my life mattered. If I would have died, I would left behind loved ones, friends, and also I wouldn’t be able to tell my story.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time?

My vision was to overcome depression, suicidal thoughts and attempts.  Yes, there are going to be days that are harder than the other. You are going to feel like giving up, but I’m writing this to tell you that I didn’t give up. I’m still fighting depression and low self-esteem, but I know that I am going to be someone in life that people look up to and say, “I want to be like her.” That’s why I didn’t give up. I had so much ahead of me and when I get there I’m going to look back and say I made it and I overcame a lot in my young life. I just had to tell you guys my vision because my vision came true and yours can too, just believe in it and never give up…….

Warm regards,
TAKYIA

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with depression and anxiety and self harm. I have had to deal with multiple residential treatment facilities due to these ailments and family relational problems

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I went to the psych ward and was forced to go to an IOP that contributed no help to me

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

the last treatment facility really turned my though process around for the better

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

my life keeps getting better day by day. i am trying to focus on my photography and begin to find the beauty in everything that i couldn’t see before

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

stay positive and remember to smile even if you feel like there is no reason to it will make you feel better

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Over the past six years, I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety. Initially, I was unwilling to get help. Even when I decided to do so, it was a while before I took recovery seriously. I tried to cope with my feelings in unhealthy ways, like purging or cutting. These techniques made me feel better temporarily, but in the long term every harmful action only deepened my mental issues.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

It took me a while to open up about what was happening to my parents. My family is incredibly supportive and stood alongside me every step of the way- but I wasn’t willing to accept their help at first. I wasn’t open with my doctors and therapists. My depression, anxiety, and unhealthy coping skills had become part of my identity and I didn’t know how to function without them.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

My biggest turning point happened when I was driving in car with my mother. At this point, I was barely in school and enough of a risk that my mom constantly needed to be attending to me. She essentially had to monitor me 24/7, making it difficult to manage a social life, a marriage, and being a mom to two other kids. I didn’t appreciate how much she sacrificed for me and how patient and tolerant she was. While we were in the car, I started complaining about something, and in a moment of anger she turned to me and said “You are ruining my life.”
I resented this comment because while I was depressed and dealing with anxiety, I put my needs before the needs of other people. I didn’t realize how difficult this was for everyone else in my life. For a while her words haunted me and I decided to internalize my feelings further and manage my depression in more harmful ways. I felt like I was a burden on my family and that I could fix my problems on my own.
It took me a long time, but eventually I was able to reflect on what my mother said and see that I was truly affecting the life of my family when I acted out, made unhealthy choices, and expected them to cater to me. Even though her words hurt at the time, I was able to see them as an outburst in a moment of frustration from being overloaded with responsibilities. I realized that if I wanted to get better and stop affecting my family members’ lives so much, I needed to stop coping through pain and expecting other people to deal with the consequences. It made me take recovery seriously and become honest and open with my support network.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Now, I occasionally struggle to deal with anxiety and short-term periods of depression when I’m stressed and overwhelmed. However, I couldn’t be happier with where I am now in life. I’m going to a university that I love next fall. My relationship with my family is strong, I have great friends, and my mental health is much better. I no longer need to take medication and I’m much better at self care.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Be honest with your support system! It makes a big difference. Know that you are not alone and that there are many different resources you can use to begin your journey to recovery.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

When I was 12, I was diagnosed with manic depression and anxiety. 2012 was the year that would change me forever. It started out with becoming more and more isolated, not going to school, and not ever wanting to leave my house. I was 12 years old when the sexual abuse from my step-father started. This man was the same one that had raised me since I was 2. He was the only man I ever thought of as a father since my real dad was long gone by the time I was born.

It started out with touches, a little too close to my private parts, then it started with kisses and sneaking into my bedroom at night when my mom was asleep. I was terrified.He threatened my family against me, my brother and my sister and I figured, it was better that he did it to me, and not my younger siblings. It went on for 3 years after that. I started smoking cigarettes when I was 13, smoking pot at 14, 2 suicide attempts at 14, 3 when i was 15. I overdosed multiple times, dying only twice, only to be brought back.

I kept silent about my father, i wanted to protect my family and I felt embarrassed of myself, i didn’t know what to do or how to do it. I thought killing myself would end everything, so i tried, only to end up in a mental hospital for a couple weeks, then released back to my personal hell that no one knew about.

October 27, 2015 was another date that I tried to kill myself. I was unsuccessful. On the 30th while i was in the hospital, i let the secret slip about my dad. I wrote it down on paper and i told my doctors and things finally started to look up. I was so wrong. The same day i confessed to the sexual abuse i was put through, was the day that my dad killed himself in my family home. My mother was the one who told me. It was 2 days later when she found him, 2 days later when she told me at the hospital. I remember screaming the word no over and over again, crying until my face was purple.

I remember the nurses trying to comfort me but they couldn’t, they didn’t know how. I remember being so confused and hurt and angry. He got away with everything he did to me, and I had to suffer alone. I got out a couple weeks after that, and my family had lost our home due to the expenses of the funeral. We got onto welfare and had to move into an apartment, and it wasn’t too bad. Slowly, my mom started to turn cold and violent towards me, degrading me whenever she was angry, and leaving me to watch my younger two siblings.

It is now July, I have moved in with my grandma, who has always loved me no matter what, and who has always listened and believed me. I am 16, an age i thought i would never reach. Ive been diagnosed with PTSD, SAD and Bulimia on top of my manic depression and anxiety, but I’m taking medication and getting support from counselors. Nothing is easy, ever, but I am learning how to survive.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

At first the support i got was something that I would push away all I could. I hated the idea that I needed help, and I would refuse it at any point i could. Slowly, i stopped being so stubborn and i let them help me, and i feel much more stable now than what i did.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Recently I have started to eat better, do more meditation and exercise and I have started to talk to people more and get out of the house. Moving in with my grandma was also a huge turning point. I feel like I am in a safer environment now than what I was with my Mother.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Well, I am now producing an album coming out august of 2017, and I am just, so excited that I have the ability to do this. I am so proud of myself for pushing myself towards this future.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I wish I knew that the only thing holding me back, was myself. I was the one stopping myself from truly living, and I wish I had never limited myself to staying home and sulking in my sadness and wondering why my life was like this. Go out there, and make friends, do stupid things and be a little reckless. Just live.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts since I was 12 years old

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I tried talking to friends and adults about my depression and anxiety, but I was always told that I was being pessimistic or that I was just complaining rather than fixing what I needed to.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

After four years of losing family member and friends and young relationships I had enough. It only took one night where I felt alone and no one was there to set me off. I attempted suicide right before I finished the 11th grade. After my attempt I was admitted to a mental hospital under a 201. I spent 11 days there talking through my issues and meeting new people.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I still struggle with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts even after almost a month since my discharge, but I see life differently. I will never be able to run from my mental illness. I may not always want to be here and I may shut down sometimes from sadness, but in the hospital I truly saw my blessings. Every few days I get a letter from a girl I met in the hospital that was 13 and I talk to her about her problems since I can’t talk to her over the phone. Being told that my letters make a person happy and that my presence made their stay a little more comfortable is the reason I live. Those compliments are the reason I keep going when I feel like my life is going backwards.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Always talk about your issues. If people do not want to hear them find someone that does. It could be a therapist, teacher, parent, sibling, friend. Someone will always care even when we think that no one does. Also, never get attached to people. People will come and go from your life and you have absolutely no control over it. Sometimes you have nothing to do with it. Never let people or things cause you to question your worth.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

My parents got divorced when I was 6 and although I don’t remember many details of the divorce itself, my parents do not have a good relationship now which causes much strain on me and my mom especially. From when I was 6 until my freshman year of high school, I split my time between living with my mom and dad, seeing my mom usually 4 of the 7 days of the week. However, my dad struggles with OCD, does not easily understand social cues, and is incredibly stubborn; this led to constant fighting between us, so much so to the point where I would become incredibly miserable when I would have to stay over at his apartment. At the height of our fighting when I was in 8th grade, I saw a psychiatrist to see if I had depression, given I thought that I showed many of the common signs and felt constantly weighed down by my situation. I never actually ended up taking medication, but my turbulent relationship with my dad was really hard for me to cope with.
In the very beginning of my freshman year of high school, I finally made the choice to stop living with my dad and moved in with my mom full time. I became so much happier at home, even though I felt guilty and confused about what to do with the relationship with my dad. I was in a really manipulative friend group for this year of high school, one that experimented with drugs and alcohol (which I personally chose to not try) and made me play babysitter when they needed someone to take care of them during and after. Lowering my self-esteem and confidence, I lost my desire for good grades, leaving my grades to plummet drastically for the majority of freshman year. Needless to say, freshman year was a mess for a lot of different reasons.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

Freshman year, I turned to my best friends from sleep away camp to vent to and turn to for help throughout these issues, helping me but still not fixing the problems that were plaguing my life.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

However, I applied to and got accepted to study abroad in Israel for the spring semester of my sophomore year, which turned my entire life around. I instantly fell in love with Israel itself, which led me to create my desire to serve in the Israel Defense Forces after college. I discovered myself, figured out what I like and who I want to be, made the absolute best friends of my life, and fell in love. Israel saved me, and since then, my work ethic and personal life have been incredibly fulfilled and meaningful.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

The situation with my dad has been very complicated recently because he is refusing to help pay for me to go to college, and thus my mom is currently taking him to court in a messy and drawn-out case. On one hand, I am incredibly happy living with my mom and stepdad and sister (my mom and I are very close) but also, I feel guilty not having a real relationship with my dad. Yet, him being financially negligent in my upbringing and causing incredible stress for my mom leaves me confused and undecided as to how I feel about him and what I want for the future of our relationship. However, senior year has been absolutely incredible, and I’ve solidified friendships with really amazing people from home that I plan on keeping into next year when I attend Bard College in New York (hopefully Brandeis University if I’m lucky enough to get off the wait-list). Life’s good!

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Definitely make sure that you have a strong support system like true, genuine friends that care about your well-being. I turn to my friends for everything. Even if you don’t have particularly strong friendships with anything, even knowing that you have the option to turn to others for help is really important to remember.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I was a victim of sexual abuse for 7 years, beginning at the age of 6. My abuser would often threaten my life and tell me he could get away with murder if he had to, to keep me quiet. After he left my family behind, I found out he had molested another girl, 6 years old – the same as myself when he first got his hands on me. I knew I had to come forward and tell me story, despite fearing for my life.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I saw a therapist through a childrens’ advocate agency. I hated going, and I hated talking about what happened to me, because for my entire life, I lived like that portion of my childhood didn’t exist.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I began to do a type of therapy called EMDR roughly 8 months after starting therapy. It helps the mind to process traumatic memories from the short term memory to the long term, and to help you process them and move past the trauma. At first I thought it was ridiculous and I was still so reluctant to recall anything willingly, but looking back, I think it really helped me to gain strength and move on with my life. I no longer live in fear day to day.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I’m a very successful nurse in a loving relationship. I’ve never been happier, I’m no longer afraid, and I’ve moved past being a victim to just being me. My past no longer defines me.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

It’s never going to be easy. Getting help is not easy, and talking about what happened is never easy – but you have to do it, no matter how long it takes. That’s the only way to gain control of your life.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

My brother was born with Tourette’s syndrome. Tourette’s syndrome is a neurological disorder causing repetitive, stereotyped, involuntary movements and vocalizations, also called tics. This causes my brother, Max, to have uncontrollable outbursts and act impulsively. In addition to the Tourette’s, Max struggled with anger which was never treated or taken seriously. This led to the event that changed my life. One day Max came storming into the living room yelling at me for eating a piece of his candy. I’ll admit it now, I had taken a single ‘fun sized’ piece of candy from his stash. How he noticed? I would never know, but now it was time to deny, deny, deny. It started with yelling and hitting; next thing you know he tackled me to the floor. I hit my head hard. Nothing felt normal, but it was a school night so my parents that I was playing sick and trying to get out of tomorrow’s math test.
The next day at school was horrible: the loud noise, the bright lights, reading, taking notes, all of it. After school, I went to the doctors and found out that I had mild concussion. The word “mild” is typically used in salsa, there is Mild, Medium, and Hot. When it comes to the brain any damage is bad, there is no mild, medium, it’s all just bad. The damage hurts the brain cells on the side that was hit and it all depends on the person, the area that was hit, and many other factors, determine length of recovery. I had hit the back right side but when you hit one side, it bounces back to the side opposite. In addition to hitting the back right, I also hit the front left side of my brain. So when my mother and I heard the word ‘”mild” we thought there was very little damage and I would recover in no time. Unfortunately, we were mistaken and this has changed everything.
I went to a neurologist and he ran tests to examine what part of my brain was impacted. Memorization, puzzles, reflexes; test after test. After three weeks of testing, I finally found out what happened to my brain. I suffered from post concussive syndrome and new learning disabilities as well: a reading comprehension disorder, ADHD, and dyslexia with extreme anxiety and depression. I was in shock that a small head injury could impact my life so drastically.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I eventually received medicine to aid my focus in school and I have learned to try to talk about my concerns to further lessen worries. Lastly, I have my amazing family and friends to support me along the way. As much help as I got, however, I still struggled with my grades. It was heartbreaking because no matter how hard I tried, I never seemed to understand as easily as before.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

By the end of my junior year everything started to look up. I started to get my friends back, I started to eat healthier, I exercised more, and my grades began to go up. I can only hope that it’ll stay this way and that I will have a bright future ahead of me.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I am currently 2 weeks away from graduating high school and my senior year was better than I could have ever expected. I was on the varsity swim team and beat all of my times, I earned straight A’s, and applied to college. I am happy to report that I’ll be attending the University of Delaware, a school that I never thought I would get into. I am extremely proud of all of my accomplishments throughout the year and look forward to more in the near future. Despite my setbacks and needing to learn how to learn again, I now know that it’s fundamental to later success.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. If you feel as though something is wrong, then act on it because it’s not going to get better with time. I know this is cliche, but it is something that people take for granted. Family and friends will always be there to support you and help you through hard times.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I wasn’t a very loud person; I was shy until you got to know me. Back in middle school, about 6th grade, I was bullied . It was bad. Nobody wanted to sit by me, or talk to me, I wanted friends. Plus, with all the things I had going on outside of school I wanted to know people and be social. I was the new kid and I had no idea why they hated me so much. I’d get called names everyday, I had things thrown at me, there was even a time where these three girls tried to fight me in the bathroom. I used to use school as a getaway place, it made me feel sane being at school because I didn’t like home. When the bullying started happening I wasn’t sane anymore, I was scared to go to school. There were days when I wouldn’t even go to school. I would just hang out at the city park or something until school got out so my mom would think I went to school.

Things slowly turned as my middle school years went by. I ended up making friends. We hung out all the time but I noticed after a little while that they only hung out with me because I had money, they would bribe me into buying alcohol every weekend. I knew after a while that I was hanging with the wrong crowd because those decisions I made got me into trouble. One night I was drunk and I was with that group of friends. We were at a party and I was barely walking at this point because they kept telling me to take drinks; it was peer pressure. I fell asleep in one of the rooms and they took pictures of me and sent it to everybody. They were calling me harsh names, took my money and my phone and left me at that house. I was abandoned. I stopped hanging out with them. After that night I knew nobody would want to be my friend so I stopped trying to talk to everybody.

My 8th grade year I finally made some real friends; friends that I am actually really close with today. They were and still are supportive of me. My high school years were pretty much the same. I drank to numb myself from pain and I smoked a lot of weed to the point to where I didn’t even get as high as I used to. I had even more problems at home, I lived with drunks and I’m still living with them. They fight every night and I see negative things I don’t want to see. I get into fights with my legal guardian. I really dislike it at that house, it doesn’t even feel like a home. I get accused of a lot of things.

I was diagnosed with depression my sophomore year. I had to take-anti depressants which I didn’t really like taking because they made me feel ugly. But I knew I had to for my own well being. They didn’t help at all and I was still the same person I was before I had gotten the prescription. I was still distracted from school work from my thoughts that wouldn’t stop bothering me. My junior year I met a girl. She made me happy for the time being. I guess it was the comfort I really needed and she gave me a lot of that. I was staying with her for a long time, her family made me feel wanted; I really liked it there. Everybody was supportive of us two for being “gay” (I got bullied for that too my 8th and freshman year). When we broke up six months ago I took it pretty hard. I was back to doing the same things I used to.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I didn’t really reach out to anybody for a long time. I had gotten over the break up, and that is one thing I enjoyed. It wasn’t really healthy for me to be feeling sad for something I can always find elsewhere. But that doesn’t mean I’m happy with life. I always kept things to myself that is why I felt so lonely. I had that feeling that if I tried then I’d be bothering people with my depressing problems I have going on in my life. People were willing to help but I still felt that way. I hid my emotions so much; I always put on an act everyday like I was the jolliest person in the world. .

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Yes, a little bit. Three months ago I was on this website and I met this lady friend. We talked and we clicked right away. We talked all day and all night. Everyday. She was going through the same things I did. I looked forward to going home for a change because I only wanted to talk to her. She is the one person who brought me out of my sad shell. I was able to tell her what I was feeling and not worry about bothering her. She just makes me feel sane even though she lives 24 hours away from me. I can tell her anything, we share our stories. I think that made the sadness go away a bit, I know I shouldn’t be counting on other people to try make me happy, I’m trying on my own too, but she promised me she would help me get through this. It does lift a little bit of weight off of my shoulders (:

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is still the same, I get panic attacks a lot more, but at the same time it has gotten better with the help I have. There are things that have worsened it. I am trying to get there; it may take a while but I do believe in myself. I’m working on myself as best as I can. Focusing on the positive.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I would tell them, keep trying. Your not alone in this, there’s always going to be people who be willing to help. Be brave, speak up it will really help you in the long run; as bad as it seems now it will all be OK. It will take some time but I believe anyone can get through this. This is going to be you getting through this as best as you know how, nobody gets to tell you what your tough looks like.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Aubry B. It almost feels like I was destined to struggle, like someone just gave me this life on purpose to watch me fail. I wasn’t brought up in a very loving or supportive environment and ever since I was younger I have bounced around from school to school, family member to family member, foster home to foster home, and finally I was brought to an young adult inpatient treatment facility. Almost any thing you could think of I have dealt with, suicidal thoughts, sexual and physical abuse, grief, emotional and verbal abuse, abandonment , being bullied, self-injurious behaviors, being mistreated in hospitals and I was diagnosed with Borderline, PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Finally at the beginning of my young adult life I decided I was no longer a victim but a survivor , a warrior, and a voice to those who needed help., I got sick and tired of leaving scars on my body and I got sick of being “sick” and finally I decided to do something about how I felt. Of course life threw more curve balls, but I threw them back twice as hard and knocked down all of the mountains in my way, or I guess you could say I learned to walk around them.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

People telling me No was the biggest challenge I faced, but in the end it taught me how to go after something if I really wanted it, there are going to be people to support me but they can not the people who put in the work, this is my life and easel to paint on, they’ve given me the brush now it’s up to me to paint a beautiful creation. Telling me no saved my life, no I can’t help you Aubry was the most amazing advice I could take. Also the young adult treatment center lead me to a very unique individual who has been guiding me for 7 years! She is my human journal and my mentor she has acted as a mother, friend, sister, guardian, e.t.c It is always a blessing to have someone to help you and say hey I am proud of you even if it’s just one person, but you have to let them in and you have to accept advice

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I now work as an advocate in Hartford, CT, I am currently training with AU to pursue my advocating I also volunteer at many non profit and mental health and addiction agencies. I am going to be training to teach a class for super advocates! I have done many speeches and one was actually at my old youth treatment center!!! In 2o13 unfortunately my father committed suicide and for the very first time I am speaking publicly about my experience and I am ever so thankful for the support I have through all of these organizations !! Life gets better even when it feels like a rug was pulled from under your feet you can still crawl to your dreams and in life there is a lesson in every aspect of pain, it is the eyes of the beholder !!

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is great, it is perfectly imperfect and I am for the most part where I want to be!! Hope, passion, and helping others are key to making it through the tough times!! surround yourself with positive vibes, even people you can go to when your feeling down!! meditate, breathe, write, paint, draw, dance, exercise, sing, act, DREAM!!

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

There is help and even if you are emotionally overwhelmed it is up to you to grab hold of your resources and find a way!! Never give up you are always stronger than your pain!! you would not be human if it hurt so bad when someone has passed away, and you would not be human if you felt stressed, alone, angry, e.t.c Do not give up …ever and even when you feel like giving tell someone you trust!!! Find someone who will listen when you need an ear, find someone who will speak when you need advice, and find someone to relate too when you feel alone!!

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have anxiety, depression and OCD. it hit me the most in high school and I am currently in college and getting help so it isn’t hurting me as much as it did.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

College counseling and it helped a great deal but I am also on medication.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

When I got to college my life changed. I could get the help I needed for free and I didn’t have to worry about the judgement of my family

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is great now I have 3.0 in college which I’m trying to get up to a 3.6. I feel like I can do whatever I put my mind to. I am a psychology major and I feel so smart and I am able to do that because of the help I have now.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I wish I would have believed them when they said it got better. Being alone dealing with mental illness is the hardest part. When parents and family members don’t get young children the help they need, it really effects the rest of their life. I wish I knew that I would be able to become this person I am now. I want to be able to be a voice for young people and stand up and say that they will be okay even though at this moment they feel like everything is falling apart. Mental illness is a huge part of my life and I want to do everything I can to break the stigma and help young people get what they need to get better and support them in that.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I struggled with schizophrenia. I deal with this almost every night. At night I feel something trying to disturbingly grab me. I let the hours go by then I try to go to sleep or my mother lays with me. I am a strong woman for waking up every morning and doing my everyday tasks.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I try to be strong and let the few hours go by then try to fall asleep. But I wake up in the morning and make my day like nothing weird happened. I will be alright. Someday all pain is going to stop, I strongly believe.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Yes, when I won a lawsuit against principal of my old high school because after I was in a different school, so I was doing anything to get my high school diploma, even tutoring after school. I definitely had to turn my life around like 0 to 100.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is the same, I still have my problem I have to deal with. I am just trying to stay busy now to keep distracted.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I want everybody going through any struggle to know that they are not alone. There is someone watching over you to make sure you are okay, so don’t be frightened.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

A brief background about myself, I am from Hong Kong, and now I am living alone in Canada. Everything began since April 2004, I was diagnosed with Depression and General Anxiety Disorder, those were the darkest days in my life. I still did not believe that I can deal with it until now. I was from a culture which is competitive. People judge and compare each other. Bully the worse and be the best. I was one of the person who got bulled since I was 10, because my marks were on 60-70s. People laughed at me and pushed me into the corner to hit me. I was so stressed and under pressure. After bad days in my school, when I came home I had to face another stress from my parents. I could not even cry a single tear because I would get kicked out of the house, my relatives judged me as a monster, trash of humility. I did not know how to relieve my stress and pressure. I felt so helpless. To be honest with you guys, I got raped when I was 14 but I did not tell anyone. I have seen myself as dirty, unclean and evil. I tried to jump off from the roof of the building  (it was around 32 floors high), and got hospitalized immediately. This was the beginning of my depression and GAD. I did not go to school for almost 2 years, but I missed out so many parts of my life and my childhood, I had been hospitalized for a long time, so I did not even know how to talk to others or even did any activities.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

At first, I had been assigned to see a psychologist and psychiatrist. It was quite helpless since my psychologist kept changing all the time and it was totally NOT FUN to speak about my problems all over and over again. And then, I started joining school counselor and family therapist. They were really helpful to me and gave me a great opportunity to speak up to my parents about how I feel. My school counselor encouraged me to go to school by giving me one poker card every time I went to school, it was  great parents for me and it also started giving my hope about life when I saw how beautiful those poker cards are, they were themes of UK London buildings and scenes. I have been playing music since I was 2 years old, but due to illness, I did not have a chance to pick it up again until I had been in a creative high school where I was focused on music and design major. Music gave me so much energy and I composed my first new song since I was 17, about myself that time. It was a huge accomplishment for me in my life until now.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I have had 7 times of attempted suicide before in my life. I was so negative and I always felt like I am in prison which no one even visited me, no one remembered my birthday, no one to be with me at Christmas. When I saw how people were being happy on the TV, my heart was painful as hell. I could not even know how could I still live in this world. After one of the big turning point that made me stop having suicidal thoughts, which my FIRST BEST friend in my life since I was 18 completed suicide. She had Schizophrenia. I was the last one in her contact number, so I was forced to have a mini interview with police and such. They gave me so much pressure, I felt so guilty about not helping her out and left her alone to deal with problems. I shouted and screamed, pulled many of my hairs out, and the hospital sent me towards a personal ward. All people said I was crazy, I would not be normal again. But YES, this trauma made me stop suicide because I knew how pain it was that person who left off in this world. I still working on this trauma until now, but I really hope I am get over it and just remembered positive things from my friend. The other turning point in my life is I diagnosed cancer on my leg, I was so depressed that time which I thought my life may end here. I did three operations on my leg and I could not run and would not jump anymore in my life. I moved to another ward which always gave me shots and screen which made me pain and dizzy, felt cold and hopeless all the time. I started understand how life precious and how should I treasure the rest of my life IF I have time. and luckily I have been cured of cancer and now I moved to another country to continue my studies.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My dream is to be a musician because it is what I love the most in my life. and after my experience, I am planning to be a music therapist in the future, if I have money to continue my study. I am still so surprised I was never been able to attend 50% of school until 20, and now I could managed to go to school everyday. Now I am studying last year double major in Psychology and Thanatology, (Thanatology is a study about death.) Both are heavy to me to be honest, and most of the topics that I studied triggered my emotions a lot. Many people in my life challenged me that I would not be able to finish my degree, because they are just too heavy for me, but lucky I am a STUBBORN person haha. I would not give up that easily and I wanted to show others that, even I have been through a lot, I can still achieved something in my life! I can complete so much stuff right now, being in a new country alone, I study and work at the same time, being a chef assistant and emotional support coordinator intern. I will try my best to apply for Canadian citizenship but I hope I can assist people who has mental illness and disabilities the rest of my life.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, today is a gift, that’s why it calls present.” I am sure many people heard about it and this means a lot to me. Worrying about the past and future is not working. Doing meditation may help you to focus on present, right now, on earth. Feel you feet stand on the ground heavily, you are still here. You are here and alive, you are the precious gift in this world. Mental illness does not mean you have dumb, useless, evil, trash in your life, It gives you a better story, a brighter future than other peoples do. I do not mind help others more with their problems, since my experience gave me so much empathy that I am easily stand on other people’s shoes and I wish everyone who is dealing with illness like ME be happy and I am in the same boat and with you all!

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I was born with health issues and colic because I was extra sensitive to sound, light, etc, so my mother did her best to maintain routine for me to keep me calm. Experiencing significant trauma in early childhood, however, triggered me to become more hyper-vigilant. I was always preparing for the worst and I feared most males and I worried about losing those I trusted.

I started to feel the effects of my mental illness when I was a freshman in high school. I had high expectations I made for myself academically as well as my involvement in my extracurricular activities. Part of me loved to be busy with dance competition, musical rehearsals, after school club meetings, studying etc. because it kept me on track and it masked many of my compulsions. Unfortunately, I pushed myself so hard that my expectations became unattainable. I crashed and began drowning in depression. When I was stressed or overwhelmed with too much emotion, I self-injured to secretly maintain my pain. The constant phrase of “I want to die” turned into “you deserve to die” on repeat in my brain and I didn’t know how to shut it off. I questioned if anyone else was experiencing the same thing as I was or “was I just crazy?” Instead of cutting to hide the pain, it became cutting to bring me back to reality. This self-injurious behavior stopped working and before I knew it, I attempted suicide various ways and landed myself in the hospital a few times.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I would occasionally visit the school psychologist to seek support during emotional times, but I was referred to a private practicing therapist in my junior year of high school. After seventeen years of trying to present myself as a “perfectly fine” and “never angry” child, I couldn’t believe I was sitting in a therapist’s office expected to talk about my feelings. Once I got over the shame of being there, I eventually opened up about some of the demons inside my mind. I believe it’s helped me because I can finally grant myself permission to release the burdens troubling my mind (and today I believe it!). My therapist also reinforced how I don’t always have to be happy and reminded me the specific tasks I was doing to keep grounded, was self-destructive.

In my senior year of high school, I hit another major low. After being hospitalized for the second time, I was sent to a three month partial hospital where I had to participate in intensive daily group talk therapy, art, music, etc. to help me become stable again. This type of hospital was helpful because I was working with people in my age group, so we all could connect about the current struggles we were facing. While I was in the hospital, I had to come to terms that I could not go to college until I was managing my illness well enough to attend. It was heartbreaking for me because I was accepted into my dream school with an amazing merit scholarship and I had to turn it down. I was baffled by how fast my life changed because of this illness, but today I am grateful for this experience and what my life now has become.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

It took over a year to track my moods and tendencies for my therapist and prescriber to finally diagnose me with a primary diagnosis of bipolar disorder (or as some people say “bipolar depression” or “manic depression”). In the beginning, I was in denial because this illness has a bad reputation, but I’ve learned more about my illness and now I feel more empowered to share my story. The biggest turning point for me was after another hospitalization when I was nineteen. The clinician who worked with me felt I needed to go for another type of treatment for my Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD). She referred me to another therapist who specializes in a process called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) which helps individuals cope with significant repeated trauma. When I started doing the work, it pulled so many unresolved traumatic memories out of my brain that I kept in the back of my head to protect myself. I had no idea how significant it was to work on these experiences because every tendency or connection I had with people was because of specific events I went through in my early childhood. It was (and still is) tough work and I have to take it one day at a time.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Today, I am in more control over my mental health. I am not perfect, but I definitely feel much stronger than I was about six years ago. Instead of filling my workload to the max and moving to New York to attend school, I take a couple of courses each semester at my local community college and I moved into my own place nearby. It is one of the healthiest and scariest decisions I needed to make, but it has significantly changed my life. I have not self-injured in almost two years now and have been surviving the extremes of my illness. I also am currently working a full time position in the mental health field and LOVING IT! I have the opportunity to work with young adults facing the same challenges I’ve experienced and focus on their recovery, so they too can live successful and healthy lives. I plan to continue working in the mental health field and obtain a degree in psychology. I thank God every day for the second, third, and many more chances that turned my life around into a more positive light. Now, I want to wake up and live every day to the fullest.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

For those of you having a tough time, I encourage you to reach out and talk to someone (especially a professional). I know it is hard to think about, but people do care! We have so many resources and hotlines to call now, so please dial 2-1-1 and talk to them. I didn’t realize when I was a teen there were so many individuals struggling with the same problems I was, but now I know and I have supports that’ve helped me. I also learned not all therapists and medication are a correct match the first time, so be patient and speak up! You are not alone in this fight!

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I knew I was different when I use to pray to God to take my life while I was asleep. I knew I was different when I had the urge to hurt myself. I also knew I was different because I was afraid to fall asleep, always thinking something was coming to get me; not sure what that something was or why I believed that something was coming for me in specific but I knew one thing; it was coming. I knew I was different when I started crying over a boy I liked that never knew I existed and saying to myself if only I was prettier, he would then pay attention to me. There were so many different signs looking back that told me my future was going to be the most horrific adventure I ever encountered. I never thought or could comprehend at such a young age that something could be so wrong with the way I was; so debilitating, so tremendously saddened and lost.. I never had the awareness to say to myself this is not the way things should be or that maybe I should be different . I believe when you are as young as I was at the time of my signs of my different and unique mindset, that you cannot be aware of these things and compare yourself to much because what does a child really have to look at that would make me say to myself “hey! I am different, is this ok?” I wish there was for goodness sake but no, I never got that glimpse of awareness gifted to my consciousness and if I did; what could I really do with it at that age, how would I be able to explain to anyone what I was experiencing and convince anyone I was dying inside? All I knew was that I felt this incredible fear, never felt happy and never really questioned it.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I was not diagnosed till I was about 20 years old. When I was first diagnosed I laughed in my psychiatrist’s face and walked out. I didn’t even care if it was true or if it wasn’t, I was so high and life was great; what did it really matter? I can’t even remember why I was there in the first place to be honest. I spent most of my life on an impulse; using drugs and alcohol and craving danger. I had so much rage in me as well that if I was provoked, I became the danger. I was depressed at times but it meant very little because I was always on drugs. I spent ten years drinking and drugging to keep my disorder suppressed; re traumatizing myself and being traumatized in various ways that almost took my life till one day, I had enough. I decided to get sober and the breaking point for me was when I overdosed for the second time on methamphetamine; the first time was on ecstasy. This particular overdose brought me to the huge realization that there was something extremely wrong within me and I needed help.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Six months clean and six months after my second overdose, I developed something called agoraphobia; the inability to leave your home due to feeling unsafe. How ironic that my inner child that I was completely unaware of at the time; felt unsafe and brought me to a diagnosis of agoraphobia. I just woke up one day and was not able to go outside my house without my stomach hurting and the attack of unmanageable fear that stopped me every time. This went on for a week and then I decided I need to go to the ER as soon as possible because this was not ok; I was not ok and I did not understand what was going on which created so much fear in my mind that I could not describe to you what that felt like for me with actual words. When I arrived; I was seen by a psychiatrist and was diagnosed again with someone who has PTSD, agoraphobia and BPD. This time; instead of laughing, I thanked god they had a name for this experience of mine because I was so bloody afraid. This was truly the birth of my recovery and the beginning of my new life.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Today; I am six and a half years clean and have spent seven years in various long and short term therapy programs to recover from the horrific anguish and suffering inducing disorder. I spent seven years in CBT, DBT, EMDR, Bioenergetics, Psychotherapy, and various recovery groups such as NA and AA. Today; I am a police foundations graduate, in my third year of university for child psych. and I am happy, recovered and using my experiences to help others. I am a huge huge passionate advocate and spend all my time spreading awareness, teaching, learning and writing.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Do not give up. Do not look for others to save you but save yourself. Learn as much as you can about you, life, and the mind. Keep asking for help and do not take no for an answer. Be your biggest advocate even though you are your worst enemy. Fight the good fight and know you will win and I promise you; you will and when you do, I promise you, you will know it. DO NOT GIVE UP.

How did it all start? When did you first start experiencing symptoms or using?

I think it was probably around 7th grade. I was just really tired all the time; I would cry a lot, that’s when I started cutting myself, like self-injury. I had a hard time really regulating my emotions, I felt really alone. I was depressed, really.

What kind of help did you get at first? Did it work?

I know it took me a couple months before I told anybody how I was feeling. Beginning of 7th grade I started feeling like that, and then it took me about a year to get into actual therapy, besides a school counselor. And then after that I had a therapist in 8th grade at the community center. I remember seeing a school counselor in 8th grade, and when I confided in her that I was self-harming, she immediately told my parents. At the time it felt like a betrayal of trust. I just remember that created a lot of turmoil at home. That was one of my first experiences with help. It was just a bad experience.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I was hospitalized twice sophomore year. This was where my story turns around. It sucks that it took that long for me to finally feel better, but I appreciate my struggle at this point. I went to the hospital and I was there for like 2 weeks, which is pretty long because the hospital sucks, but it was so necessary. It was the most necessary thing I’ve ever done. And my parents, when I was about to be discharged, they told me “we don’t want you home. It’s not safe for you to be at home right now. We’re very angry with you and we’re sure you’re very angry with us.” It was just a very, very bad relationship, nothing was really working. So they sent me to a group home. I was there from June 2012 to January 2013. Being there really saved my life.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I’ve been home for a year now. Half of my struggle is my behavior and my thought processes, but the chemical piece is fixed.

Yeah, I get sad, and yeah my sads are more extreme than some people’s, but I don’t get to where I want to kill myself when something bad happens. I’ve rebuilt my relationship with my parents, and I’m applying for colleges and I got into six. My life is completely turned around.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier?

You need to talk. You need to take the first step and be courageous enough to ask for help, because that is the most courageous thing you can do and it’s the best thing you can do for yourself. Talk about how you’re feeling and ask to see someone. Ask to go on medication, if that’s what you want, and ask to go to group therapy, if that’s what you want. People just want to pretend that they feel fine and maybe it’ll go away, but it won’t. It will just bubble up at inconvenient times.