What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

My mom died when I was 17. My parents became preoccupied with her illness for the year prior to her death. I had to become very independent and mature at a very young age. My sister, who was my best friend, was away at school leaving me alone in the chaos. I have struggled with anxiety for a while and balancing work and school constantly triggered breakdowns. I felt like I had to be strong at school, pretending that I was happy and my life was fine. After my mom died and I could no longer conceal my family’s problems I did not know how to handle my emotions or the people that wanted to help. My family has issues with discussing their emotions and problems and this can be difficult to handle at times.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I have a very strong relationship with my therapist. She is probably one of the only people that I can fully talk about my emotions to. She knows all of my secrets and understands my insecurities. She has helped me come to terms with my feelings and be able to discuss them. She often helps me through my problems and can aid me in staying on track with my life even when it is very hard to deal with.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

This year I made really amazing friends. They have been incredibly supportive of everything that I have gone through. They constantly listen to me when I just need to talk and relieve stress. They are understanding and compassionate and often talk me through my moments and family issues. They have definitely been a high moment in my life and I am so grateful for meeting them.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My sister is my best friend and is always there for me. We go through everything together. I often use my family as my support system. I am heading to college in the fall and am very excited to begin my life. I have 3 jobs at the moment and love to keeping busy. I am a nanny for 2 adorable little boys, I work in my church nursery on Sundays and I work at a retail store in Westport. I know my mom would be proud of everything that I have accomplished and how hard I work on a daily basis.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

It will get better. No matter how hard life is at the moment it will get better. Always make sure that you are doing everything you can to make yourself happy and find things in life that you are passionate about. It is the things in life that you cannot control that make you stronger. Learn from your experiences and always try to be the best person you can be.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have lived what most would recognize as a charmed life. I am an only child, I have two loving and supportive parents who are still married. I went to good schools, I was involved in gifted programs throughout school and I have always seemed to thrive academically. But no one has ever really known my inner feelings of depression, loneliness, crippling anxiety and my excessive stress overload that I bring upon myself. I am now, 24 years old. Throughout my childhood years, I didn’t think life could possibly be better. I had friends, a great family, school. But inching into my young adult and now early 20’s a lot has happened to me and it has affected how I view myself, others and the world as a whole. I had never been one for dating in school. Boys didn’t interest me and my goals were too lofty to waste time on meaningless relationships. That was until I met my first boyfriend. Joe. We met when I was 19. He was it for me. I thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. Have kids. Live somewhere fabulous. But that dream came to a startling halt. He started showing signs of aggression and abuse. Being that I was always someone who wanted to help others, I stayed, despite the mental and sometimes physical abuse. It progressively got worse. I kept telling myself he would change. It would stop because he loved me so much, he would never seriously hurt me. Well, he did. The ending of our relationship was a physical altercation that ended in his arrest and me going to the hospital. If this wasn’t traumatic enough, I was also pregnant at the time. I would later miscarry that baby and that would start my downward spiral into depression. After this, I played it safe with dating. I dated a few guys here and there but nothing of any serious nature. Then, my current husband and I started dating. He has a very colorful past and little did I know it would come into play in our marriage. It has recently come out that he has cheated on me while he was away for work. We are trying to work through this indiscretion but I am finding that it is almost impossible to do. Aside from that, we are in the middle of a custody battle from hell. His mother, (biological), has had guardianship of his daughter since her birth mother passed away when she was just a baby. His mother was supposed to give his daughter back after he was fully rehabilitated from his addictions and bad behavior after the mother of his child passed away. Well, this did not happen. She withheld his child from him, and he has had to take her to court to get her guardianship terminated. This has proven to be the worst possible idea ever. She has repeatedly tried to get us to end our relationship, she has tried on numerous occasions to get my husband arrested by making false police claims. She is an awful woman. The last 5 years of my life have been horrible. Full of anger, hate, sadness, and guilt. I feel like I am falling down a rabbit hole that I just can’t get out of.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I had thought that counseling wasn’t for me. I had put it off for years. Due to the recent chaos between my husband and I and his family, we decided to try counseling together. I felt that it benefited us for the better, but after a while, we started making excuses and ended our sessions.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I haven’t experienced any turning points yet. I am waiting for karma and God to take the wheel from me and allow me to do what I have been doing and trust that things will get better eventually.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I recently got hired at my dream job, so that has been a plus. My husband was granted majority custody of his daughter for now and we have a final court date this next month to hopefully get our daughter back 100% of the time.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Everything happens for a reason. If it is taking longer for you to reach a goal, that is because it isn’t the right time for you to have it, or you haven’t put in the correct amount of work to acquire it yet. Just be patient. Your life has a plan and whether you believe in a higher power or not, just trust that your life will work out. Be open to happiness, stay true to yourself, don’t ever change for anyone, and love yourself first. Above everything and everyone else.

What have you struggled with?

I’ve struggled with finding strength to deal with my on and off depression and anxiety throughout my life. Learning to cope has been a long journey. There is no doubt that, at times, I have lost control of my depression and let it rule my life. At my lowest point, I started to self-harm and thought about suicide.

Did you try to find support?

Part of my problem was that I’m not a very open person. I’ve always idealized about being able to do everything on my own. So, when I needed help the most, I was reluctant to reach out for it.

Also, for a while I did not want help. The numbness of depression was comforting and I hated myself enough that I thought I deserved it.

Only in the last two years have I begun to talk to people seriously about my depression. Reaching out has helped me more than I could guess. It has led me to a community of people that I can rely on and talk to when I feel myself slipping back into depression or feel overwhelmed by my anxiety. I also know now that there is nothing wrong with asking for professional help.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I had been depressed for about a year and I saw nothing different ahead of me. Almost every night, I had gotten into fights with my family over stupid things. I hated myself for being selfish and tearing my family apart and, somehow, I fell into self-harming.

One day, after I had self-harmed, the thought crept into my head, “wouldn’t it be easier if I just disappeared?”

The thought of suicide remained in my peripheral vision for days after but left me conflicted. When I was young, my 17-year old neighbor, with whom I was close to, committed suicide. She was someone I had looked up to, and her death still haunted me. The day she died was traumatic for me, especially seeing the effect of it on those that I cared about.

When I thought about suicide, I could not erase the memory of the grief that I felt when I heard about her death. I know that I was probably the last person she thought of when she committed suicide- I was just the girl she baby sat. However, I had seen the devastation of suicide and I never wanted to be the cause of it. I may not have cared for my life and felt that the people around me didn’t care as well, but I knew I had to be wrong. Someone would feel the effects of my death, I did not have the heart to put someone through that.

If I couldn’t continue living for myself, I had to continue on for them and at least try to make something out of it. Suicide was not an option, and the road to recovery did not end there but it saved me from doing something I could not come back from.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish?

I am about to graduate high school this June and will be going off to college in the fall! I’m very excited about although I definitely have my moments where the anxiety of starting over gets to me. However, for the most part I’m happy with where I am.

In addition, I have an amazing group of friends who I can talk to and support me.

Finally, this year when I turned 18, I got a tattoo. It was something that I told myself in 8th grade I would do if I could get past the worst of my depression. Its something that will last even if my scars fade and it’s a reminder that I can get through anything no matter what.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time?

I know its cliche but don’t underestimate your mental power.

As a person who never reached out to anyone until recently, the hardest part of getting past my depression was finding strength on my own. What really brought me back from the edge was my own mental power.  Every time I wanted to say something negative to myself, I stopped myself, distracted myself, or told myself it was something normal.

This is an on-going process. You may feel perfectly fine one day and the next start to slip again. I’ve definitely gone through waves with my mental health but I try not to let myself spiral to far.

Depression is something that may always loom just behind you but you can definitely learn to live with it.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

When I was 12, I was diagnosed with manic depression and anxiety. 2012 was the year that would change me forever. It started out with becoming more and more isolated, not going to school, and not ever wanting to leave my house. I was 12 years old when the sexual abuse from my step-father started. This man was the same one that had raised me since I was 2. He was the only man I ever thought of as a father since my real dad was long gone by the time I was born.

It started out with touches, a little too close to my private parts, then it started with kisses and sneaking into my bedroom at night when my mom was asleep. I was terrified.He threatened my family against me, my brother and my sister and I figured, it was better that he did it to me, and not my younger siblings. It went on for 3 years after that. I started smoking cigarettes when I was 13, smoking pot at 14, 2 suicide attempts at 14, 3 when i was 15. I overdosed multiple times, dying only twice, only to be brought back.

I kept silent about my father, i wanted to protect my family and I felt embarrassed of myself, i didn’t know what to do or how to do it. I thought killing myself would end everything, so i tried, only to end up in a mental hospital for a couple weeks, then released back to my personal hell that no one knew about.

October 27, 2015 was another date that I tried to kill myself. I was unsuccessful. On the 30th while i was in the hospital, i let the secret slip about my dad. I wrote it down on paper and i told my doctors and things finally started to look up. I was so wrong. The same day i confessed to the sexual abuse i was put through, was the day that my dad killed himself in my family home. My mother was the one who told me. It was 2 days later when she found him, 2 days later when she told me at the hospital. I remember screaming the word no over and over again, crying until my face was purple.

I remember the nurses trying to comfort me but they couldn’t, they didn’t know how. I remember being so confused and hurt and angry. He got away with everything he did to me, and I had to suffer alone. I got out a couple weeks after that, and my family had lost our home due to the expenses of the funeral. We got onto welfare and had to move into an apartment, and it wasn’t too bad. Slowly, my mom started to turn cold and violent towards me, degrading me whenever she was angry, and leaving me to watch my younger two siblings.

It is now July, I have moved in with my grandma, who has always loved me no matter what, and who has always listened and believed me. I am 16, an age i thought i would never reach. Ive been diagnosed with PTSD, SAD and Bulimia on top of my manic depression and anxiety, but I’m taking medication and getting support from counselors. Nothing is easy, ever, but I am learning how to survive.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

At first the support i got was something that I would push away all I could. I hated the idea that I needed help, and I would refuse it at any point i could. Slowly, i stopped being so stubborn and i let them help me, and i feel much more stable now than what i did.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Recently I have started to eat better, do more meditation and exercise and I have started to talk to people more and get out of the house. Moving in with my grandma was also a huge turning point. I feel like I am in a safer environment now than what I was with my Mother.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Well, I am now producing an album coming out august of 2017, and I am just, so excited that I have the ability to do this. I am so proud of myself for pushing myself towards this future.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I wish I knew that the only thing holding me back, was myself. I was the one stopping myself from truly living, and I wish I had never limited myself to staying home and sulking in my sadness and wondering why my life was like this. Go out there, and make friends, do stupid things and be a little reckless. Just live.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Aubry B. It almost feels like I was destined to struggle, like someone just gave me this life on purpose to watch me fail. I wasn’t brought up in a very loving or supportive environment and ever since I was younger I have bounced around from school to school, family member to family member, foster home to foster home, and finally I was brought to an young adult inpatient treatment facility. Almost any thing you could think of I have dealt with, suicidal thoughts, sexual and physical abuse, grief, emotional and verbal abuse, abandonment , being bullied, self-injurious behaviors, being mistreated in hospitals and I was diagnosed with Borderline, PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Finally at the beginning of my young adult life I decided I was no longer a victim but a survivor , a warrior, and a voice to those who needed help., I got sick and tired of leaving scars on my body and I got sick of being “sick” and finally I decided to do something about how I felt. Of course life threw more curve balls, but I threw them back twice as hard and knocked down all of the mountains in my way, or I guess you could say I learned to walk around them.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

People telling me No was the biggest challenge I faced, but in the end it taught me how to go after something if I really wanted it, there are going to be people to support me but they can not the people who put in the work, this is my life and easel to paint on, they’ve given me the brush now it’s up to me to paint a beautiful creation. Telling me no saved my life, no I can’t help you Aubry was the most amazing advice I could take. Also the young adult treatment center lead me to a very unique individual who has been guiding me for 7 years! She is my human journal and my mentor she has acted as a mother, friend, sister, guardian, e.t.c It is always a blessing to have someone to help you and say hey I am proud of you even if it’s just one person, but you have to let them in and you have to accept advice

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I now work as an advocate in Hartford, CT, I am currently training with AU to pursue my advocating I also volunteer at many non profit and mental health and addiction agencies. I am going to be training to teach a class for super advocates! I have done many speeches and one was actually at my old youth treatment center!!! In 2o13 unfortunately my father committed suicide and for the very first time I am speaking publicly about my experience and I am ever so thankful for the support I have through all of these organizations !! Life gets better even when it feels like a rug was pulled from under your feet you can still crawl to your dreams and in life there is a lesson in every aspect of pain, it is the eyes of the beholder !!

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is great, it is perfectly imperfect and I am for the most part where I want to be!! Hope, passion, and helping others are key to making it through the tough times!! surround yourself with positive vibes, even people you can go to when your feeling down!! meditate, breathe, write, paint, draw, dance, exercise, sing, act, DREAM!!

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

There is help and even if you are emotionally overwhelmed it is up to you to grab hold of your resources and find a way!! Never give up you are always stronger than your pain!! you would not be human if it hurt so bad when someone has passed away, and you would not be human if you felt stressed, alone, angry, e.t.c Do not give up …ever and even when you feel like giving tell someone you trust!!! Find someone who will listen when you need an ear, find someone who will speak when you need advice, and find someone to relate too when you feel alone!!

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with the loss of my father, he passed away on February 14, 2014; two days before my son was born. It became too much the day he passed.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

A phone call, and from all my family. Although, my siblings and my mother needed me just as much, so family was everything and still is.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Not a day went by that I thought things could get better, some days other than most, as I came to realize that things would have been much better had he still been here.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is just like my father’s. Everyday I try to keep my family on my mind and do what my father did for me. After two years of his passing, I will be having my second child, a little baby girl, the thing I have accomplished was becoming a father when I lost mine.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Don’t ever blame yourself for anything that you could not control. Nothing is your fault if you didn’t break it through your hands or if you try to help the person and there was still nothing that could prevent it. IT IS NEVER YOUR FAULT!!!