What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled my entire life with anxiety, and just recently with depression. I grew up in the Midwest, and I had never even heard about mental illness as a concept until I moved to Connecticut in 2015. We didn’t talk about it at home. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I didn’t know why I couldn’t make simple decisions without having trouble breathing, and crying (I found out later that is what happens when you have a panic attack) I didn’t know why it took me forever to fall asleep, I didn’t know why I couldn’t make friends as easily as other people, When I moved to Connecticut in January of 2015, I went into a new school in a higher grade than I had been in. All of the other kids were older than I was, and I didn’t have any friends that first year. My mental health was really bad at that time but I didn’t know anything about mental health, I didn’t even know that that was what I was struggling with, so I didn’t get help.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

In 2017 I went to the doctor for a checkup and they had me take a mental health screening test. They told me I tested higher than average for kids my age and that they were going to refer me to a therapist. I was surprised because of my very limited knowledge about mental health, and I didn’t even know I had anxiety until I started psychotherapy (talk therapy). For the first year I was in psychotherapy I didn’t really tell anyone about my anxiety, and I didn’t reach out for help besides from my therapist. This wasn’t working for me, because I only saw my therapist once a week and I needed support more often than that.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

About two years ago, I found out my mom had depression, and my aunt, cousins, and grandma also struggle with depression, anxiety, and ADHD. I realized that it wasn’t just me in the world, it wasn’t just my therapist who I could reach out to. I started to talk with my family more about my mental health, and that conversation is really important and has helped me through some really tough times. I also found the mental health community on social media, and in my school with my friends, which helped me to realized that I am not alone. I have a support system, and I can and should reach out when I am struggling.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I struggle with depression and anxiety on a daily basis. My therapist has helped me realize that mental illness isn’t a one-and-done, do this and you’re cured type of health problem. It is always going to be a part of your life, and recovery isn’t about “curing” it (because a lot of times these things can’t be cured) but it’s about learning to peacefully coexist, take charge of your own life, and not letting it control who you are. My life is a lot better since I have realized this, I am able to interact with people with more confidence, I do public speaking for my school, which would have been impossible for me two years ago. I am still working towards asking for help. This past year was tough for me and I have a hard time admitting when I can’t handle something, but I am working towards being mindful of my mental health when making decisions, not letting it control me but keeping in mind what I need to do to stay mentally healthy. I had a period last winter where I was so stressed I didn’t have my period for two months. I was feeling so burnt out that my body wasn’t functioning normally, and part of therapy is noticing unhealthy behavior patterns. I was trying to do too much and it was negatively affecting my health. But I noticed it and was able to make changes to prevent that from happening again.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

You are never as alone as you feel. Tons of people struggle with mental illness, and there are resources all around you if you need them. There is the option of medication, and therapy, but even talking to your family members, to a counselor at school, and going online to websites like Turning Point, or the National Alliance on Mental Illness. There are so many resources for people like us, and hopefully that helps you if you are struggling.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Since elementary school I have struggled with anxiety and occasional stress. Every year my anxiety changes because of what’s going on in my life, with friends, school, etc. But I continue to learn how to accept it and learn new ways to help my anxiety and stress.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

When I was younger I would work myself up so much to the point of panic attacks and meltdowns. I started to go to therapy and it worked/helped a lot. Today I have learned how to accept my anxiety and cope with it. Every day my thoughts and emotions are different but I know how to control them.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I think in middle school I really started to learn what my anxiety meant and why I was feeling certain ways. I started to learn how to deal with it and accept the way I was feeling. I still struggled and had bad days, but I continued to push myself to a point where I could understand what was triggering the anxiety and then navigate how to help myself.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Now that I am in High School there are new triggers for me, but there are also more resources available to help with anxiety and stress. I feel like I have grown and learned so much since I was younger about how to control my anxiety. For instance, with the current Covid 19 global pandemic, I found my anxiety was heightened and it started to affect me more than usual. I felt like my thoughts were all over the place and I didn’t feel like myself. Instead of letting my feelings run away, I started to journal, meditate, and do yoga/pilates. I swear by those three things. They have had a tremendous impact on my mental wellness and my anxiety. Journaling is an instant release and I recommend doing it before meditating to help clear your mind. Yoga and stretching after you wake up makes your mind and body feel amazing. Pilates is a great low intensity workout that really helps to tone and makes you feel an immediate release after. These things are examples of how I cope with my anxiety and stress. I think the biggest take away from this is that finding what makes you feel good is most important. Especially focusing on what makes you feel right and not what the internet or people in your life are telling you. Ever since I found ways to cope with my anxiety I have taken many risks and fought away my fear. I have taken on many new leadership positions in my town and a fundraiser event. I feel more comfortable standing up in front of crowd. I am still working on fighting my anxiety and fears as well as working towards being more comfortable with public speaking.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

To the people that are having a tough time I would say “You have the power to create change” and “You are right where you need to be.” Those are two really important quotes or affirmations that helped me. I think it is really important to find what works for you ; whether it’s yoga or meditation – something that can help you find a balance. No matter what it is make sure that you do it for yourself. I also think a really important thing to do is love yourself no matter what. It is something that can be really hard to do and something that you have to work for everyday. But it will make a major difference in your life if you work for it.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with depression, social anxiety, self harm, suicidal idealization, emotional physical abuse, bullying, teen dating violence, and anorexia. It became too much when I turned 15. I was self harming, practicing unhealthy eating habits and and my current girlfriend was emotionally abusing me.(yes I am lesbian)I decided to give up. I attempted suicide. I was brought to the local ER. I was able to go home that night. The next day me and my mom got into a fight and she was very angry and said “I will throw you out of this car” and I stupidly said “do it”. That night I got taken to the ER again but that time i was there for 3 days in the crisis unit and was placed in an inpatient mental hospital. In there I attempted to kill myself again. Luckily the staff stopped it before I lost a lot of blood. A year later I am still recovering. I am 1 1/2 months clean.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

At first it was an intensive outpatient. It didn’t work.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

About 2 months ago. I changed therapists, I moved to DBT therapy which is working.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is currently really well. I have made so much progress I still have anxiety attacks and my depressed days. But I am clean.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

What I would say to someone struggling is it gets better. It will always get better. Nothing anyone says or does to you defines you. It is not worth your life. Your life is worth way more than you will ever know, And hurting yourself will also hurt others. People do care about you.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I struggled with social anxiety, depression, and self harm (for a short time). Most of my struggles starts in school. I’m an average person in people’s eyes, but I struggle to make myself believe I am. I have very low self-esteem which makes concentration hard and even harder to answer the simple “Are you Alright?” or “Are you okay?” questions. It’s like 2 different sides, one is me on the outside saying “I’m fine”, the other is crying and dying on the inside trying to find a way to escape

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I have support from my *very* small group of friends. But it isn’t easy to get support when no one really has the time to actually talk. My only other person I can talk to for support is my boyfriend, but it’s kinda hard when he is around 700 miles away.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

When I really had enough I went to get help from my friends. I also went to SMART Recovery groups to be with people who have similar issues and it finally feels like I’m not the only one

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Get the help you really need! There is someone who will listen and always someone who will care.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

From the age of 13 I began to combat developing feelings of Depression and Generalized Anxiety. I grew up in an Upper-Middle class family, in a nice area, I had loving parents that got along and followed the rules. However, regardless of my fortunate atmosphere I started to feel things I’d never felt before. Following were self-mutilation, sleep deprivation, and good ol’ Psychiatric Hospitalization. It was a progressive disease developing in my head in which I had perceived was slowly rotting my brain. A hopeless case of defeat in which there would never be a cure for the sickness in my brain. I was introduced to Marijuana around the age of 14, and boy did that help me out. If I was bored, I could smoke, if I was mad or sad, I could smoke, if I was happy, then let’s smoke!!! Like any other teen I had my justifications, “It’s a plant, they use it for cancer, it evokes creativity, it’s going to be legal soon”, I didn’t understand that without it, I was defenseless against my thinking disease, and in the process unleashed a new one, the disease of addiction. I told myself the boundaries were limited to pot, my addiction told me that it was okay to drink, use tobacco, do whip-its, and then gradually intensified from there. If I didn’t have a way to get high I needed to find a way to, I started rummaging through family member’s pill cabinets, swallowing painkillers and muscle relaxers, stealing money from family to feed my addiction. Of course, at the time I was under no impression at all that I may have any sort of “substance abuse” problem. People told me I did but i didn’t see what the big deal was, I was just doing it for fun, I was just doing it because I like the way it felt, why can’t everyone just get off my back?! Well little did I know, the absence of drugs would push holes into my brain and heart, and when i would get high again it was to temporarily fill those holes for the time being. My diseases progressed with time, morphing into one evil that was separate from myself, a being that took over me, that was very clearly who I had been or was on the inside. My imagination took a sharp turn into sadistic thoughts powered by nihilism. I began to imagine different scenarios of me killing myself, every, single, day. This escalated until I found any excuse to get high, because it’s the only state I felt comfortable in.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Unfortunately for most teenagers and young adults, we are all very ignorant in our ways still, and it usually takes a significant event to change our minds about something. For me, it was the way my actions through using drugs (and alcohol) affected the people around me. It took a while, and those people got hurt so many times, but eventually I began to experience the feelings of selflessness. The pain that I caused around me opened up my eyes and allowed me to finally realize that I wasn’t the only one who was affected by my using. From there, I knew it was time to address my addiction.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life, is amazing now, I would have never imagined making the process I have so far in the short amount of time that I’ve put work into “recovery”. My mood is much more stable, I struggle with depression and anxiety MUCH less and at VERY little amounts of intensity. I can be trusted by my family and friends again. I don’t have to worry about leaving my phone out unattended. I’m so proud of myself for making a turn around in my life, especially being only 17.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Empowerment, you need to feel powerful. You need to gain a sense of control over your life, you need to feel confident in the words “I can do this”. Sometimes you need to hype yourself up, sometimes you have to listen to some energizing music, or drink caffeine, or sometimes….you just need someone to give a pep talk for you. I still do it all the time, “Hey Rob, I know this is gonna sound weird, but can you give me a little pep talk? I need somethin to get me goin”.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I struggled with being bullied, not just being called names, but being hit for no reason off of the football field.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I didn’t have any support, I pretty much became a coward freshman year.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I started to lift, and took the stress and anger on the weights. I continue to lift as a passion since that day, a year and a half difference made people want to talk to me.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is pretty simple. Occasional sparks will fly, but because of what I was put through, and what I did, whether creating a me nobody wants to be around when someone hurts others or when I like to strike a smile on someone’s face, my life has become a whole lot better.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

The people who are being bullied, listen. If they’re calling you names, let them. They’re only doing it because they see something in you they fear. Trust me. If I had known that, I wouldn’t be as challenging as I am today. I think I cause more fights just because of how my physical ability is now. The bullies can’t take you on if you’re smarter, stronger, or faster than them.
Oh, and make sure you have a friend there. If things get bad, they’ll back you up.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I struggled with being abused. The abuse was physical, mental and emotional. It became too much when I realized some people would never change.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I received support from my family and friends, it helped somewhat but it wasn’t enough to keep me away.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Things became better when I left my abuser.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is better I can say. No more stress, drama, and or any form of abuse. I’m a single mother working as a delivery driver and going to college for medical assisting and after I graduate I plan to do videography.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I’d probably say it takes one step at a time. You have to know when enough is enough for you and be strong enough to stick by it. I wish I would’ve known that a person such as him was out there and could reach someone like me. I wish I would’ve known ahead of time the signs to look for that meant ‘run for your life’

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I don’t struggle, I battle with depression, agoraphobia, and PTSD. It became too much 1 year ago.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I got none. No one wanted to help me and that just leaves me to help myself.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I moved away from those who abused me, made me feel like I wasn’t even worth to be called dirt. But they still try to pry their way back in.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I have a son. He makes me laugh like I haven’t laughed in years. He’s my accomplishment. My husband and i got an apartment. We don’t have a couch. Just two camping chairs. We literally don’t have much but we’re safe.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

No matter how many times they say sorry, if they’re still doing horrible things to you after that you need to push them away. Get away from them. They make it worse.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

– Social skills
– Friendships

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I attend FCA in Norwalk I went to social skills groups in Trumbull and Westport. I went to Grace Farms. I attend social work. I attend therapy

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I joined a group at grace farms that meets on Fridays. It has taught me a lot about the social skills. I have to be thankful for the support I have. A lot of people don’t get the support that we get there

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is now a better life. Since I have attended these groups it has helped me. I enjoy the friends that I have. I could not be more thankful for the support I have.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

If you guys are having a hard time talk it out. Join a club or a activity. It is not hard to find a club, People will accept you for who you are.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

The Never Ending Cycle

October 24, 2009
Dr. E suggested I keep a writing journal along with the food journal, so here it is. She said to write about my progress (or lack thereof) plus anything else I want, and that it will be for my eyes only. I used to write in journals when I was younger, but opted out once I realized how much they brought my thoughts to life. Silly thoughts, dark thoughts, sometimes thoughts I never knew I had were all hastily materialized per blue ink scribbles. I soon learned that past me preferred to keep such thoughts from future me, and with that, the journaling ceased.
Today, the journaling commences.

October 26, 2009
I threw up today. I woke up knowing I would; not a single hint of doubt crossed my mind. I’m supposed to keep track of all the times I throw up and pursue possible motives, although I don’t know that there are any. My life really isn’t that hard, and I feel like naming “triggers” is just delegating blame. Have a bad day? Eat the problems away. Don’t like looking in that mirror? Try the toilet. Dropped a pencil on the floor? Go ahead and purge about it. And I do purge about it. I purge about this and that, every day.

October 30, 2009
Dr. E told me she doesn’t expect my habits to change overnight, and to not be discouraged on days like today, or like yesterday. She says once the new prescription kicks in (Prozac) that things should get easier. I’m finding it very hard to keep the food journal for reasons similar to why I couldn’t keep my childhood journals. Quantifying my binges makes me feel almost as sick as the binges themselves. I am aware that humans are not meant to bring so much food into their bodies. Before and during a binge my stomach has learned to disregard the concepts of “hungry” and “full,” and I’m not sure why.

November 5, 2009
Today’s therapy session brought up something I hadn’t thought about in years: when this all started. The first time I threw up was in the seventh grade. Recalling the details feels more like recalling a dream than an actual event that took place in a conscious state. It was in the bathroom sink, and I used a toothbrush instead of my fingers. The purge was both easy and painless, and I remember getting into bed that night thinking I had a new secret I would have to keep from the world. I lied down with a guileful grin, then drifted off into an effortless sleep. At the time, it was a solution to eliminating the perpetual discontent I had with my body. I thought I’d finally found the key to feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I felt I had discovered a covert loophole to the laws of physiology. Of course, it didn’t take long to realize that this wouldn’t be the incredible weight loss solution I had imagined (if anything I have gained weight since the cycle began), but here I am four years later.
That impassioned and temperamental middle schooler is worlds away from the young adult who stares back at me in the mirror now. Today I don’t ride the same emotional roller coaster. I don’t ride a tilt-a-whirl, or even carousel. I am stagnant in manner, aloof in presence. The anxiety and extreme self awareness we all encounter in our awkward pubescent stages had long been lifted, but nothing took their place. There is something quite magical about going through days uninfluenced by emotion. My ‘emotion log’ I was asked to fill out for Dr. E has the word “indifferent” written on Sunday, with an arrow leading it through the rest of the week. My boyfriend doesn’t get to hear the words “I love you” or experience any sort of sincere passion from my end. My friends are granted loyalty, honesty, confidence, but never genuine sympathy. My eyes don’t experience the swelling brought on by heart shattering tears, or by euphoric tears. I embrace the nothing. Nothing greets me every morning, then helps me sleep well at night. And through the years, my purges watched as the nothing slowly began to emerge.
Purges came long before the binging did. The latter was an inevitable aftermath. Once the two met, they linked hands, then chose my brain as their permanent place of residence. They haven’t parted with me since; they’re noisy and ornery and it’s impossible to forget them.

Nov 21, 2009
It’s been about two weeks since my last entry, and to be honest I’ve been avoiding writing in here. I told Dr. E I’m not fond of the journaling, but she says it might help me in the long run. I haven’t yet been given a reason not to trust her, so here is round two.
I threw up six times since Monday, and Dr. E said this is an improvement. I don’t exactly agree. The urges are just as bad, if not worse, and without them subsiding I don’t feel improved at all. For me, the urges are the worst part. Once one is triggered, it doesn’t go away. The urge to eat everything in plain sight takes over my thoughts until it is satisfied. This leads to the next urge, one just as strong, to relieve my body of every last bite.
I’m not proud to admit, even if it is just to future me, that I’ve relieved the urge in places outside of my own home. If the first hint of compulsion cannot be overcome, the cycle must reach completion. I’ve thrown up in friends’ bathrooms, I’ve thrown up in school bathrooms. One time I threw up in a bush in the backyard in the pouring rain, just to make sure I relieved the urge without my family hearing.
I really don’t like writing in journals.

Nov 24, 2009
I didn’t ever plan on going to therapy. I knew I had a problem, but I was convinced that I could stop the purging whenever I felt like it. I was convinced I was in control. I didn’t make a connection between the eating issues and my degrading emotion for a long time.
In the ninth grade my mother heard me throwing up. She called me into her bedroom after the fact and sat me down. I remember being caught off guard by her reaction; she wasn’t upset or worried, but rather angry and disappointed. In her eyes I was a young tenacious warrior, resilient to the petty pressures of adolescence. “This has to stop now,” she told me, “you need to be stronger.” I nodded and went to bed.
I didn’t receive any follow up questions or check-ins after the incident. The issue was brushed under the rug, and I couldn’t have been more relieved about it. The only thing I hated more than having the problem was talking about it.
Then one day, two years later, I finally recognized that hiding the problem wasn’t helping make it disappear, and that talking was my only other option. This time I called my mother into the room and sat her down. I admitted to my continuous struggles with the binging and purging between hysterical sobs. She cradled my shaking body, holding my head close to her heart. My mother may not have been able to identify with the problem, but this time it seemed as if she sincerely understood and accepted her daughter’s indecent flaw. Those were the first tears to escape my eyes in over a year, a prolonged imprisonment of emotions begging to be let out. I let them all out. A week later I found myself in Dr. E’s office.
I was nervous for my first day of therapy, as I had never talked to anyone about purging, let alone a perfect stranger. My mother offered to accompany me to the primary session for support. I accepted this offer.
I am at a loss for words to appropriately describe the feeling of having my mother in therapy that day. She had to hear her perfect little angel confess to the purges, describe them in their utmost detail. She had to listen to me define what a typical binge consisted of down to the last calorie. She took this all in silently with a blank face, and I have no idea what went through her mind. My voice trembled as it filled the cumbersome office air. It was the first time I’d verbalized any of this.
I was relieved when I first met Dr. E. My first impression was that she was very amicable, a good seven inches shorter than me with ivory white hair and a truly sympathetic demeanor. When I attend our weekly visits she listens thoughtfully and intently for the entire sixty minutes. She often wears a smile, which helps me feel relaxed. Her face is aged from a lifetime of grinning and laughter. In one of our earlier sessions we discussed the option of me going to a month long rehab clinic for other ‘bulimic’ adolescents where they’re given communal meals and daily therapy. I declined this offer, but it is still on the table if I decide I need the extra help. Judging by my food diary for this past week, it is still a viable option.

Nov 29, 2009
Today I was in math class when something happened. The back of my head began to swelter and pulsate, my vision blurred, and I lost feeling in my hands. I felt my brain liquify and begin to drip, drip, slowly down the inner lining of my skull. I became both unaware and hyper aware. Time stood still. I watched myself from a place within my own head, but also from a place thousands of miles away. For those few moments I was certain I was going to die. Once my legs were able to bear my weight, I stood up and walked out of the classroom. I paid no mind to the rest of my peers or the teacher. I had no mind to pay. I sat in the school bathroom until I was physically able to conjure thoughts and words, and to call my mother. Even though the hysteria was descending, she offered to pick me up if I didn’t feel comfortable staying at school. They say the crazy don’t know they’re crazy, but anyone who’s experienced this delusional reality can say that for those brief minutes, which feel like days, they are crazy. I left early with my mother that day. And for the first time in a long time, I was scared.

Dec 4, 2009
Dr. E isn’t surprised about the panic attacks. She says they’re probably a consequence to letting a lot of demons surface by talking about my struggles for the first time. Her words don’t help me because it doesn’t make them go away. She says only I can make them go away, but it’s difficult to believe her.
They have been coming out of nowhere, an abrupt assault of my most guarded possession: my mind. It is such a dreadful realization that I am no longer in full conscious control of my mind. At any moment, something beyond my scope of awareness can prompt its kidnap, and I am left to deal with the consequences. I don’t know where I’ll be when they come, and I am still not convinced that they’re harmless or temporary, so getting out of bed has become a real drag.

Dec 24, 2009
It’s been awhile since my last entry, and things are actually a bit better. The Prozac has finally come into full effect and has helped me more or less regain control of my psyche. I can now feel when the panic attacks are coming on and sometimes I can even make them go away before they fully surface. With the panic becoming my main priority, the binging and purging have taken a backseat in my mind.

Dec 27, 2009
Today I met with a nutritionist. Dr. E suggested it be the next step, since the frequency of purging has gone down, along with the urge. My older sister Maya asked to accompany me. My parents have always viewed her as the fragile, over-emotional daughter, while I was thought to be more stable and calloused. Maya, too, had problems with throwing up at my age, but never sought help. I admire her for being able to get through it on her own, something I could not do. Despite the dichotomous character roles assigned by our parents, I believe she is much stronger than I am, although she says she wishes she would have spoken up and gotten help like me.
The nutritionist gave me a couple of tips on how to eat healthy and to avoid food deficits because they trigger binges, which are followed by purges. She had a bunch of plastic food to help visually represent meal portion sizes. I’m pretty sure they were from those kid kitchen sets, so I couldn’t really take her seriously.

Jan 2, 2010
Since the cycle was broken, it really hasn’t been as hard to keep it that way. I’ve heard the first three days of being cut off from an addiction are the hardest, and then it slowly gets easier. As horrible as panic attacks are, they may have been just enough of a distraction to get over that initial three day roadblock, a blessing in disguise. I haven’t thrown up once since my last two entries, which may be the longest I’ve gone since the cycle began in seventh grade.

Jan 6, 2010
I have just finished my final scheduled therapy session. Dr. E agrees that I’m strong enough to no longer need sessions on a regular basis. Now that I’m not throwing up anymore or frightened with panic, we’ve honestly ran out of things to talk about. I never thought there would be such an abrupt end to such a perpetuated problem. The Prozac has helped with more than just controlling the cycle and panic attacks; I also feel less like a robot and more like a human being. I feel it has almost been too easy.
So, I guess this means bye bye journal. You’ll be going into the box in the garage along with the rest of them. You may have served your purpose these past couple of months, but now that my journey is ending I prefer to keep you with the rest, where I don’t have to see or think about these things anymore.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

TODAY:

Flipping through that journal so many years later fills me with mixed emotions. It brings me back to a time I hate to remember, but a time that is still relevant to me today. I wish I could say that hiding the journal meant closing the door to these problems, but over the years I’ve learned that it doesn’t. All my former struggles with the cycle creep up from off those pages, slither under doorways and around corners, then silently make their way up my unsuspecting body and into my head. I can go weeks, or even months feeling carefree, and then an urge will hit me, the same urge that has always hit me.
I would be lying if I said I could always suppress the urge to throw up again. I have had occasional relapses within the past years, though never as serious or prolonged as the original problem. I do still feel like an addict. As the years progress, I become more confident in my belief that bulimia is a real addiction.
When the urge surfaces, just as in the past, a switch is flipped in my mind that is much more difficult to turn off than to leave on. If left on, I stop thinking clearly. I get anxious and aggravated with the people around me. All I want to do is follow the same cycle I’ve grown accustomed to, and then the urge, with all the negative passion it brings, will go away. First, I eat. A lot. Then, with two fingers, I unearth the lowermost point of my emotions, as I reach the pit of my stomach. There, I find shame wearing relief’s disguise.
Thankfully, I usually do manage to switch off the urge when it first surfaces. Although, this isn’t quite as satisfying as it may sound. It leaves me with somewhat of an empty feeling that must slowly be forgotten throughout the course of the day. This feeling, however, pales in comparison to the awful feeling that overcomes me after a purge.
For every urge I’m not able to overcome, I tell myself that it will be the last time. I come to this false conclusion where I am certain I’ll remember how horrible that awful post-purge feeling is, and that I’ll never want to endure the same guilt again. The guilt of being too weak and hurting my body. The guilt of making a mess and wasting food. There is enough uncontrollable guilt in the world, and by relieving my urge, I add to the pool.
I used to not understand what perpetuated the cycle. The yearning to be thin would never be satisfied by this habit, which was something I learned soon after it began. There was instead something else, a different driving force only wearing the mask of addiction, which strongly persisted to be met. Addiction starts as a means to catch a high, but over time becomes the only feasible method of coping with life. The neurosis that built around the habit acted as a distraction from dealing with thoughts and emotions I felt powerless to. Addiction stands in for control, but it is nothing more than an illusion.
Throughout the years, the panic attacks have mostly retreated, along with my dependence on the little white serotonin boosting capsules of Prozac. It’s been a slow process, but I’ve been able to better accept emotions of all kinds as they initially arise. With a passion for love comes the pain of disappointment, and the thrill of risks brings the anxiety of failure, but in the end, living life makes much more sense to me in the context of emotion rather than the indifference I had once chosen.
Even with all the positive changes, I know I still have a lot of growing to do. I’m confident that, while I don’t think the urges will ever fully dissipate, they will continue to fade away and become easier to recognize and deal with as I become older and wiser. I am confident that one day I will be able to embrace my emotions fully instead of feeling the need to control them, or hide them behind a mask of binging and purging. I am confident that one day, opening the old journals won’t be such a dreaded experience. But, until that day, they will remain in that box.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with post-traumatic stress disorder. I have also struggled while dealing with being sexually abused. I have also struggled with depression and self-sabotaging myself and also putting myself into isolation lastly I had a big problem with denial. It became too much for me when I was a mother of two children I found it was hard for me to even take care of my children at times because all I wanted to do was lay in bed. It became too much for me when I couldn’t allow my children to be around anyone, family included because I was sure that everyone was going to hurt them in the way that I had been hurt. I had not accepted my experience so in my mind I was just reliving it day to day. It was hard for me to even leave them alone with their father because I could not trust.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I had plenty of supports such as my aunt who was taking care of me, I had a therapist, I was involved in sexual abuse group with peers, I also had friends. I had social workers from the department of children’s and families from Casey family services.
Although I had great support systems I did not realize that everyone around was actually trying to help me so the supports did not work for me at first. I lied to them, I missed treated them, I isolated myself from them even when they reached out to me. In my head I was telling myself that I was alone, I did not work with them or accept any of their help. I had convinced myself that I was alone and I could do it on my own.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

There was a turning point for me after about seven years of doing badly in every way possible. One person that I trusted very much reached out to me and I told her that I just wasn’t doing well and I was lost, I remember telling her how much I love my daughters and even though I knew how hard it was for me to lose my mother at the tender age of 7 and I would never want to have my girls experience that but I had just had enough and I didn’t know if I could go on anymore, the desire for me to live was gone. Then she told me to do a meditation course. At first, I thought what would meditation do for my life, how in the world could this help me, and then I thought well nothing is going well in my life right now anyway and if she believes that this can help me maybe it’s time to try it. I went to this meditation course given by the Art Of Living and I realized that I could be happy again. All the knowledge that they had given to me in that course on how to be happy was knowledge I had already known it was just buried deep under my trauma from the past. I went to another course shortly after called the Art of Silence and for the first time I was able to reflect on my past the trauma, the pain, all the while being in a safe space. Now for me, a safe space is a space where I don’t have to explain why am crying, I don’t have to hold in my tears so that my children don’t see them or anyone else, I can just be without having to talk, I can be within myself, that is a safe space. I was away on a college campus at Northeastern in Boston there were plenty of other people but we were all in silence and we were all healing. This was the first time that I had actually confronted and accepted my past. After that silence course, I decided to move on. When I came home I ceased all contact with people that were not helping me but further hurting me even though a lot of them were my family members, I knew that this was the right decision. I surrounded myself with those people that were helping me, that loved me, that were supporting me and I finally got back in therapy. Instead of denying my problem and denying my post-Traumatic stress disorder I was honest with my therapist and told him everything that I wanted to work on. I started admitting the truth and I continued healing.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is the best it has ever been since I was born I believe. I have two beautiful children that I’m able to love and take care of. I have a wonderful job working at Join Rise Be through Advocacy Unlimited. I am helping young adults to overcome their experiences, which is where my passion is. Since I started in recovery I was able to get my license and to buy my first car. I still have struggles but the difference now is that I know how to work through my struggles. Instead of hiding from them and being in denial acting as if the troubles don’t exist I am able to work through them. I often work with the people who support me the team at my job, my therapist, and my peers to get through it. I am working towards helping all the young adults that I can come encounter with to achieve recovery.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I would tell them to trust the process of recovery, it is for everyone. I would tell them that they are not alone and to realize that there are people that want to help them. If I had paid attention to the people that offered their help and support I would not have made as many mistakes or learned so many of my lessons the hard way. In life, you will realize there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But the most important are the ones who bring out the best in you, respect you and accept you for who you are. Those are the ones worth keeping around and listening to. Lastly to everyone reading this I leave you with this quote “Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome. You Can Do It”!!! Also if you would like to get involved in Join Rise Be, go to website joinrisebe.org, follow us on twitter, facebook and tumblr.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

My empowering story may be much different than others you may hear. It’s the kind that seems painful, raw, jaded, but disastrously radically beautiful and that is exactly what it is, beautiful. I think at times what makes me extraordinary is that I consider myself a lioness and am currently combining my warrior traits with the beauty of love and vulnerability and my truth. Quite the combo, if I must say, but a beautiful one at that.
I carry warrior qualities, I’m a fighter for what I’m passionate about, I chase after my dreams to succeed and better my family’s lives but I also am a work of art, a rare find, and a source of beauty through a jaded and difficult journey. This isn’t to boast it’s to state that even those with hard times, difficult pasts, who have failed numerous times and had to repeatedly be humbled and get back up…that those people are beautiful also and capable of dreaming, doing, and succeeding. YES!!!
I also like to say that once I found my voice in the midst of being silenced and the midst of finding my true and authentic self that I now have the power and capability to ROAR my truth and to set myself free from the “bondage” that I have been entangled in.

When I was young I began to explore the world and found myself on my different paths. At a young age I began to explore the world of sex, drugs, and alcohol. I was not aware how this could deeply affect my life, my view of self, my view of others, my safety, as well as my success as a woman in this world.

In high school I became very enraged and angered by my inability to be able to explore the world as I chose. I was uninterested in school and began falling behind. At one point I had a .66 in high school and didn’t even think graduating with my high school degree would be possible, nor did I desire it.

I was uneducated, wasn’t aware of what I was getting myself into, and didn’t have the resources that were crucially important for me to succeed or protect myself.

I, like many, did not have any experience in relationships, drug or alcohol abuse, and sexual encounters. Ultimately, this lack of educational resources prohibited me from making knowledgeable and educated decisions or be fully aware of what decisions I was making and how it was ultimately killing me.

The year of my enlightening journey was not easy; I found myself in a residential care facility for troubled teens for 7 and half months of my life with the intent to form respect, self-direction, counseling, and ultimately; support.

This time I was pulled from my current high school suddenly and found myself living in a home of 13 teen girls and went from being able to speak to anyone the way I chose, to having to ask for permission to even speak, eat, go up or down the stairs, in or out of rooms and in and out of the house.

I found support among women who were older than me. They heard my cry and desire to explore this world and ultimately understood who I was. I found support among the women who I lived with and shared difficult moments with, who were living in the same world of chaos, frustration, and pain as I was. I began to see that I was not the only one struggling tremendously through my teen years.

Upon completing the program, I moved home and chose to shake these restrictions and feel free again. This turned into drug and alcohol abuse, consistent unhealthy relationships, and ultimately choosing sleeping on friend’s beds and couches due to running away from home. I found myself waking up numb and in random homes, several pregnancy scares, and continual drug use.

Still, within my soul I knew there was more. I knew I was worth more. I knew my life meant more and that one day I would be able to find it.

I began to research how to enroll myself into school and had a friend drop me off at a University for yet another chapter of my life. Unfortunately, at this school, my drug and alcohol use continued because it was much easier to obtain. I began to lose sight of the course of life I truly knew I needed to be on.

After one semester I was already back on academic probation, struggling to find financial assistance to stay in school, and was once again losing hope. I was living a life of numbness. I worked hard but was so caught up on seeking social acceptance that I did not realize where my life was heading.

I stayed numb.

At this university, I sought out the party scene and began to experiment sexually and dive into pill usage on a whole new level.
In a sense I was walking around with my eyes closed just trying to get by and manage life, thinking at times I had everything I had ever wanted, but so incredibly lost at the same time.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I would have not made it this far without the support of my incredible mother, who is our biggest fan, The Family Scholar House program, my peers and those in my cohort, teachers who supported and empowered me, case workers, advocates on our behalf, my sisters and even bystanders, who without knowing, empowered my weak spirit.

I have been empowered by women within the community who have challenged me to speak out and share my story. They have helped me see my real beauty and my inner-warrior and to use my voice. They have also blessed me with the opportunity to speak my truth to others as an outlet and support to those who may be going through or who are healing from the same things.

Most important, I would not be here without my son, who has given me my passion, my drive and has instilled in me the real meaning of love within my heart. He is my heart outside my body and the reason I found the drive to strive to be the woman I am today. In addition, my real friends came to my side and I was close to completing my bachelor’s Degree.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

One evening, I found myself on my bathroom floor with a positive pregnancy test in my hand.
I remember leaving the University hospital, alone, on a very rainy day and getting in my care, after being told once again that I was pregnant and close to 6 weeks along.

Thinking….“Wait, I am only 20, not even close to being done with school, I am lost, completely unhappy and I am now growing a human being in my belly, when I can barely care for myself.”

For one second within the confines of my car I felt instant peace.

This was my day of awakening.

A child was growing in my belly and I had to radically change my life….

On this day I chose to better my life, not for me but for this soul that was begging me to be succeed, to be healthy, to be a powerful woman, an example, a mother, and for this,

I owe my son…my life.

At this point my mind, heart, and soul were focused on bettering our lives. My life became about becoming self-sufficient, growing together, and pressing forward to achieve my goals and dreams so that my son could have an example and a beautiful life.

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” – George Elliot

I can tell you right now, it is NEVER too late to become more, to become better, to be who you were intended to be.

We made our way back home, to be closer to family. We had been and were in very toxic environment but I was able to find support and guidance and began to dive into studies. After a strenuous and difficult journey, I came to a realization; I had been silenced.

I had been an independent woman, strong willed, and felt no shame in declaring who I was or what I thought, and slowly I found myself silenced, unheard and ultimately speechless.

One evening, I was on my knees weeping by my bedside begging for the lord to give me a sign and give me the power and voice to step away, for good, because I honestly couldn’t do it on my own.

That night I had a very raw and real dream about my own life, but it was not happy, nor did it end well.

The next morning, I awoke from my own nightmare. I walked away from abuse and never went back. I had tremendous support in my mother, who had seen me weep in pain for years. We both began weeping, in relief.

I found my voice and knew that I wanted to be a survivor, not another statistic and that I wanted to help others overcome & find their voice as well

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I am a mother, daughter, sister, soul searcher, warrior and lover, and friend. I am a seeker of the beauty in life and in enjoying time with those I love, which in most cases involves coffee, which is also a love of mine. I advocate for domestic and intimate partner survivors within my own community and afar- through speaking engagements, blogs, and social media. I am fueled by the fire of my passions, which is to use my journey as a form of light to shine on others times of darkness- that there is hope and healing and freedom from the bondage of your journey and that all this needs to come by having grace with yourself and by choosing to intentionally love yourself, your journey, and the soul you are today.

On Mother’s Day, with my son in the stands, I graduated with honors, Magnu Cum Laude and walked straight into my graduate degree, a one-year advanced program for obtaining my Masters in Science of Social Work.

I have walked with my classmates again, after a long year in the Master’s program and obtained my MSSW the summer of 2016.

I never imagined the life I have today…with not one, but two diplomas.

Life has radically changed and I have been incredibly blessed.

We have been so incredibly blessed with such love and support in our journey.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I am now asking you to listen, to empower and to advocate for those who are uneducated in regards to violence and their harmful current situations whether it be physical, emotional, verbal, sexual or mental abuse, as well as those who you are witness to violence in an extent that has drastically changed their lives. Many people have been silenced and are living in silence, so please offer them the opportunity to be heard and to find their voice once again. Choose to be that one person who makes a personal impact on another’s life that empowers them to be the person they were intended to be….so at this time please stand and face forward if you are able to commit to this…you are making a commitment to assist in diminishing the cycle of violence within this community, empowering those who have difficulty seeing any strengths within them, who have spent many nights and days weeping, bruised, naked, alone and emotional drained, who have spent days or even years in silence, who have difficult carrying for their children due to the abuse they are undergoing amongst the bills they are unable to pay, you are giving them an opportunity to be heard, to hear themselves, and to help them find safety and hope, you are allowing them to see support and to feel the presence of someone who sees them as more than just a statistic but yet giving them an opportunity to grow, flourish and be the beautiful soul that they have been trying so hard to be…. and recognize that you are not alone and others will be at the same time choosing to say no to violence and taking a stand in allowing survivors voices to be heard.

You are WORTHY. Your journey is worthy. Your freedom is Worthy. Your Voice is Worthy.

My passion is to empower others by using my journey and my voice and so I began The Soul Grind, which is a place of self-exploration, radical self-love, soul searching, and some powerful empowerment! A community where your voice is heard and your soul can grow and flourish in the company of some beautiful other humans on the same journey. The Soul Grind pours love on wounds and allows you to be heard and also it emphasizes the importance of combining all of that with a big cup of coffee.

The one thing I would love to tell, especially women, is that “You are worthy”.

In times society wants to make us seem mediocre, small, microscopic and that our views, stories, our voices don’t matter. Well, I’m telling you that you can achieve your dreams, you can accomplish your goals, you most certainly have a voice and I encourage you to “roar” as a lioness and be the women that you are intended to be whether the world sees it as capable or not.

· Fight for your life, your dreams, and your soul, the love for yourself, your families safety and your voice.

· Love yourself

· Take each day at a time

· Don’t judge your journey amongst others

– Dont rush your healing

· Offer yourself abundant amounts of grace when you do fall

· Find those who will support you back up

· Keep going!

Join us! Let’s hear your ROAR.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/thesoulgrind/
Blog: http://www.thesoulgrind.com
Email: thesoulgrind@gmail.com
Instagram: thesoulgrind

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

My parents got divorced when I was 6 and although I don’t remember many details of the divorce itself, my parents do not have a good relationship now which causes much strain on me and my mom especially. From when I was 6 until my freshman year of high school, I split my time between living with my mom and dad, seeing my mom usually 4 of the 7 days of the week. However, my dad struggles with OCD, does not easily understand social cues, and is incredibly stubborn; this led to constant fighting between us, so much so to the point where I would become incredibly miserable when I would have to stay over at his apartment. At the height of our fighting when I was in 8th grade, I saw a psychiatrist to see if I had depression, given I thought that I showed many of the common signs and felt constantly weighed down by my situation. I never actually ended up taking medication, but my turbulent relationship with my dad was really hard for me to cope with.
In the very beginning of my freshman year of high school, I finally made the choice to stop living with my dad and moved in with my mom full time. I became so much happier at home, even though I felt guilty and confused about what to do with the relationship with my dad. I was in a really manipulative friend group for this year of high school, one that experimented with drugs and alcohol (which I personally chose to not try) and made me play babysitter when they needed someone to take care of them during and after. Lowering my self-esteem and confidence, I lost my desire for good grades, leaving my grades to plummet drastically for the majority of freshman year. Needless to say, freshman year was a mess for a lot of different reasons.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

Freshman year, I turned to my best friends from sleep away camp to vent to and turn to for help throughout these issues, helping me but still not fixing the problems that were plaguing my life.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

However, I applied to and got accepted to study abroad in Israel for the spring semester of my sophomore year, which turned my entire life around. I instantly fell in love with Israel itself, which led me to create my desire to serve in the Israel Defense Forces after college. I discovered myself, figured out what I like and who I want to be, made the absolute best friends of my life, and fell in love. Israel saved me, and since then, my work ethic and personal life have been incredibly fulfilled and meaningful.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

The situation with my dad has been very complicated recently because he is refusing to help pay for me to go to college, and thus my mom is currently taking him to court in a messy and drawn-out case. On one hand, I am incredibly happy living with my mom and stepdad and sister (my mom and I are very close) but also, I feel guilty not having a real relationship with my dad. Yet, him being financially negligent in my upbringing and causing incredible stress for my mom leaves me confused and undecided as to how I feel about him and what I want for the future of our relationship. However, senior year has been absolutely incredible, and I’ve solidified friendships with really amazing people from home that I plan on keeping into next year when I attend Bard College in New York (hopefully Brandeis University if I’m lucky enough to get off the wait-list). Life’s good!

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Definitely make sure that you have a strong support system like true, genuine friends that care about your well-being. I turn to my friends for everything. Even if you don’t have particularly strong friendships with anything, even knowing that you have the option to turn to others for help is really important to remember.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

My brother was born with Tourette’s syndrome. Tourette’s syndrome is a neurological disorder causing repetitive, stereotyped, involuntary movements and vocalizations, also called tics. This causes my brother, Max, to have uncontrollable outbursts and act impulsively. In addition to the Tourette’s, Max struggled with anger which was never treated or taken seriously. This led to the event that changed my life. One day Max came storming into the living room yelling at me for eating a piece of his candy. I’ll admit it now, I had taken a single ‘fun sized’ piece of candy from his stash. How he noticed? I would never know, but now it was time to deny, deny, deny. It started with yelling and hitting; next thing you know he tackled me to the floor. I hit my head hard. Nothing felt normal, but it was a school night so my parents that I was playing sick and trying to get out of tomorrow’s math test.
The next day at school was horrible: the loud noise, the bright lights, reading, taking notes, all of it. After school, I went to the doctors and found out that I had mild concussion. The word “mild” is typically used in salsa, there is Mild, Medium, and Hot. When it comes to the brain any damage is bad, there is no mild, medium, it’s all just bad. The damage hurts the brain cells on the side that was hit and it all depends on the person, the area that was hit, and many other factors, determine length of recovery. I had hit the back right side but when you hit one side, it bounces back to the side opposite. In addition to hitting the back right, I also hit the front left side of my brain. So when my mother and I heard the word ‘”mild” we thought there was very little damage and I would recover in no time. Unfortunately, we were mistaken and this has changed everything.
I went to a neurologist and he ran tests to examine what part of my brain was impacted. Memorization, puzzles, reflexes; test after test. After three weeks of testing, I finally found out what happened to my brain. I suffered from post concussive syndrome and new learning disabilities as well: a reading comprehension disorder, ADHD, and dyslexia with extreme anxiety and depression. I was in shock that a small head injury could impact my life so drastically.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I eventually received medicine to aid my focus in school and I have learned to try to talk about my concerns to further lessen worries. Lastly, I have my amazing family and friends to support me along the way. As much help as I got, however, I still struggled with my grades. It was heartbreaking because no matter how hard I tried, I never seemed to understand as easily as before.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

By the end of my junior year everything started to look up. I started to get my friends back, I started to eat healthier, I exercised more, and my grades began to go up. I can only hope that it’ll stay this way and that I will have a bright future ahead of me.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I am currently 2 weeks away from graduating high school and my senior year was better than I could have ever expected. I was on the varsity swim team and beat all of my times, I earned straight A’s, and applied to college. I am happy to report that I’ll be attending the University of Delaware, a school that I never thought I would get into. I am extremely proud of all of my accomplishments throughout the year and look forward to more in the near future. Despite my setbacks and needing to learn how to learn again, I now know that it’s fundamental to later success.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. If you feel as though something is wrong, then act on it because it’s not going to get better with time. I know this is cliche, but it is something that people take for granted. Family and friends will always be there to support you and help you through hard times.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I wasn’t a very loud person; I was shy until you got to know me. Back in middle school, about 6th grade, I was bullied . It was bad. Nobody wanted to sit by me, or talk to me, I wanted friends. Plus, with all the things I had going on outside of school I wanted to know people and be social. I was the new kid and I had no idea why they hated me so much. I’d get called names everyday, I had things thrown at me, there was even a time where these three girls tried to fight me in the bathroom. I used to use school as a getaway place, it made me feel sane being at school because I didn’t like home. When the bullying started happening I wasn’t sane anymore, I was scared to go to school. There were days when I wouldn’t even go to school. I would just hang out at the city park or something until school got out so my mom would think I went to school.

Things slowly turned as my middle school years went by. I ended up making friends. We hung out all the time but I noticed after a little while that they only hung out with me because I had money, they would bribe me into buying alcohol every weekend. I knew after a while that I was hanging with the wrong crowd because those decisions I made got me into trouble. One night I was drunk and I was with that group of friends. We were at a party and I was barely walking at this point because they kept telling me to take drinks; it was peer pressure. I fell asleep in one of the rooms and they took pictures of me and sent it to everybody. They were calling me harsh names, took my money and my phone and left me at that house. I was abandoned. I stopped hanging out with them. After that night I knew nobody would want to be my friend so I stopped trying to talk to everybody.

My 8th grade year I finally made some real friends; friends that I am actually really close with today. They were and still are supportive of me. My high school years were pretty much the same. I drank to numb myself from pain and I smoked a lot of weed to the point to where I didn’t even get as high as I used to. I had even more problems at home, I lived with drunks and I’m still living with them. They fight every night and I see negative things I don’t want to see. I get into fights with my legal guardian. I really dislike it at that house, it doesn’t even feel like a home. I get accused of a lot of things.

I was diagnosed with depression my sophomore year. I had to take-anti depressants which I didn’t really like taking because they made me feel ugly. But I knew I had to for my own well being. They didn’t help at all and I was still the same person I was before I had gotten the prescription. I was still distracted from school work from my thoughts that wouldn’t stop bothering me. My junior year I met a girl. She made me happy for the time being. I guess it was the comfort I really needed and she gave me a lot of that. I was staying with her for a long time, her family made me feel wanted; I really liked it there. Everybody was supportive of us two for being “gay” (I got bullied for that too my 8th and freshman year). When we broke up six months ago I took it pretty hard. I was back to doing the same things I used to.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I didn’t really reach out to anybody for a long time. I had gotten over the break up, and that is one thing I enjoyed. It wasn’t really healthy for me to be feeling sad for something I can always find elsewhere. But that doesn’t mean I’m happy with life. I always kept things to myself that is why I felt so lonely. I had that feeling that if I tried then I’d be bothering people with my depressing problems I have going on in my life. People were willing to help but I still felt that way. I hid my emotions so much; I always put on an act everyday like I was the jolliest person in the world. .

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Yes, a little bit. Three months ago I was on this website and I met this lady friend. We talked and we clicked right away. We talked all day and all night. Everyday. She was going through the same things I did. I looked forward to going home for a change because I only wanted to talk to her. She is the one person who brought me out of my sad shell. I was able to tell her what I was feeling and not worry about bothering her. She just makes me feel sane even though she lives 24 hours away from me. I can tell her anything, we share our stories. I think that made the sadness go away a bit, I know I shouldn’t be counting on other people to try make me happy, I’m trying on my own too, but she promised me she would help me get through this. It does lift a little bit of weight off of my shoulders (:

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is still the same, I get panic attacks a lot more, but at the same time it has gotten better with the help I have. There are things that have worsened it. I am trying to get there; it may take a while but I do believe in myself. I’m working on myself as best as I can. Focusing on the positive.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I would tell them, keep trying. Your not alone in this, there’s always going to be people who be willing to help. Be brave, speak up it will really help you in the long run; as bad as it seems now it will all be OK. It will take some time but I believe anyone can get through this. This is going to be you getting through this as best as you know how, nobody gets to tell you what your tough looks like.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Aubry B. It almost feels like I was destined to struggle, like someone just gave me this life on purpose to watch me fail. I wasn’t brought up in a very loving or supportive environment and ever since I was younger I have bounced around from school to school, family member to family member, foster home to foster home, and finally I was brought to an young adult inpatient treatment facility. Almost any thing you could think of I have dealt with, suicidal thoughts, sexual and physical abuse, grief, emotional and verbal abuse, abandonment , being bullied, self-injurious behaviors, being mistreated in hospitals and I was diagnosed with Borderline, PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Finally at the beginning of my young adult life I decided I was no longer a victim but a survivor , a warrior, and a voice to those who needed help., I got sick and tired of leaving scars on my body and I got sick of being “sick” and finally I decided to do something about how I felt. Of course life threw more curve balls, but I threw them back twice as hard and knocked down all of the mountains in my way, or I guess you could say I learned to walk around them.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

People telling me No was the biggest challenge I faced, but in the end it taught me how to go after something if I really wanted it, there are going to be people to support me but they can not the people who put in the work, this is my life and easel to paint on, they’ve given me the brush now it’s up to me to paint a beautiful creation. Telling me no saved my life, no I can’t help you Aubry was the most amazing advice I could take. Also the young adult treatment center lead me to a very unique individual who has been guiding me for 7 years! She is my human journal and my mentor she has acted as a mother, friend, sister, guardian, e.t.c It is always a blessing to have someone to help you and say hey I am proud of you even if it’s just one person, but you have to let them in and you have to accept advice

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I now work as an advocate in Hartford, CT, I am currently training with AU to pursue my advocating I also volunteer at many non profit and mental health and addiction agencies. I am going to be training to teach a class for super advocates! I have done many speeches and one was actually at my old youth treatment center!!! In 2o13 unfortunately my father committed suicide and for the very first time I am speaking publicly about my experience and I am ever so thankful for the support I have through all of these organizations !! Life gets better even when it feels like a rug was pulled from under your feet you can still crawl to your dreams and in life there is a lesson in every aspect of pain, it is the eyes of the beholder !!

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is great, it is perfectly imperfect and I am for the most part where I want to be!! Hope, passion, and helping others are key to making it through the tough times!! surround yourself with positive vibes, even people you can go to when your feeling down!! meditate, breathe, write, paint, draw, dance, exercise, sing, act, DREAM!!

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

There is help and even if you are emotionally overwhelmed it is up to you to grab hold of your resources and find a way!! Never give up you are always stronger than your pain!! you would not be human if it hurt so bad when someone has passed away, and you would not be human if you felt stressed, alone, angry, e.t.c Do not give up …ever and even when you feel like giving tell someone you trust!!! Find someone who will listen when you need an ear, find someone who will speak when you need advice, and find someone to relate too when you feel alone!!

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

When I was around 8 years old, a family member began sexually assaulting me. Every night I was subjected to abuse. Eventually after almost 3 years I came forward. But instead of having the support of my family, I was ostracized and treated as a pariah.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I got no support. I had to help myself no matter how difficult . I went through deep depression and multiple suicide attempts, and eventually ended up in therapy. The therapy has been effective.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I met my boyfriend of a year and a half. Hes been nothing but supportive and loving.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I am working on having a stable relationship with a partner and being happy and confident in myself.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

It always gets better. No matter who says different.