What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with a lot. I feel like they’re all sort of interconnected. I used to blame myself, my thought being that I was just weak. I would tell myself other people have been through so much worse, how can I be so depressed and anxious? But now I realize that it’s not that I was weak. Everyone responds to their traumas differently. I’ve realized how strong I am because honestly, I have been through so much, but I still keep pushing forward everyday, even when I really don’t want to.

I’ve struggled with disordered eating. I felt like I had no control over anything in my life, but starving myself and skipping meals was something I could control. It was never so much about my weight because I have been small my entire life. It was really about grasping onto the control it made me feel like I had. As I got older, starving myself became a way to physically harm myself because I just really felt like I deserved to suffer. That was something I struggled with on and off from middle school through college. There are still days where I unintentionally don’t eat because my body’s regular hunger signals are all over the place from years of disordered eating.

Another thing I have really struggled with is depression. I’ve had thoughts of suicide since I was probably in middle school. I was in middle school writing suicide notes and stuffing them in between my mattress and boxspring. I would plot and plan, but I never did anything. It wasn’t always that I actually wanted to die and be completely done. I just wanted to escape the situation I was in and that seemed like the only way. There are days I don’t want to get out of bed. There are days I want to just sleep. There are days I can’t stop crying throughout the day. I would literally be at work or in class with tears silently streaming down my face. The depression doesn’t come around as much as it used to, but I do still struggle. Despite what people might tell you, recovery isn’t linear. It’s okay to have good and bad days, it happens. Life can’t be like the fairytales, bad things happen and it’s okay to react to them.

Another thing I have had issues with is my anxiety. I don’t think I had ever really had full blow anxiety until I was in college, but that also might just be when I really recognized it for what it was. When I was in college, there was one drunken night when I made one of the worst decisions of my life. Someone offered me a pill (Red Bull, it was MDMA) and they told me it would make me happy (I was really depressed because my best friend had just attempted suicide and she had almost completed). Drunk me decided it was a great idea.

I had a horrible trip. I was screaming and throwing myself up the walls in a bed. By the end of the night my hair was in a giant knot from throwing myself around. It was after that night that I started to have issues with anxiety. Drugs like MDMA are meant to significantly spike serotonin, a chemical in the brain that’s makes you feel good. The issue is, after taking it, it depletes it and causes psychological effects. When the anxiety got really bad, I finally had to tell my mom what I did and she took me to a special naturopathic doctor where I ran tests to see how chemically imbalanced my brain was so I could take things to try and balance it out.

A few months after the incident, I had my first panic attack. I had no idea what it was, so naturally, I thought I was dying. Increased heart rate, extreme feeling of impending doom…I felt like if I stopped moving, I was going to die. I was convinced I was having a heart attack or something and that I was going to drop dead. I was at work and I eventually called my friend to get me from work and I wanted her to take me to the hospital, but she knew it was a panic attack and she was able to calm me down.

One of the things nobody tells you about anxiety is that it’s more than just feeling nervous. For me, it’s the physical symptoms that really get me because they really can be associated with real medical issues that might be life threatening. For me, my heart races, I get shortness of breath, my hands become numb, I feel nauseous, I get GI issues, I clench my teeth, and I’m sure there’s things I’m forgetting. And of course, these physical symptoms cause my anxiety to heighten. I would be in class or at work experiencing these symptoms and for people who don’t understand, it’s hard to be like hey I’m not okay and I can’t be here right now. One time I literally forced my doctor to give me an x-ray of my lungs because of the physical symptom shortness of breath. The x-ray came back and showed nothing was wrong and she suggested I see a therapist.

For a short period of time, I turned to substances to try and block everything out. It was a way to make myself numb. I wasn’t drinking and smoking just for fun. Honestly, a lot of the time I was doing it alone. I liked to drink or get high to the point where I was just a vegetable. I just didn’t want to feel anything. It was easier than being sober where my thoughts were running wild. This period didn’t last that long, and I’m sure my body thanks me for that. I chose to be completely sober a couple of years ago because I just knew having issues with depression and anxiety, I would try and turn to substances to try and make myself numb and I would take it too far.

At one point I started smoking cigarettes and to be completely honest it was another way of me just trying to harm myself. It’s horrible, but I was like I hope I get cancer and die a slow painful death. My reasoning? I felt like I deserved it. News flash, I don’t deserve it. Thankfully the cigarette smoking didn’t last long either.

At some point in college, I was getting really bad and I went to a therapist. I was barely functioning and it was effecting my school and work. I remember she diagnosed me with PTSD. I checked almost all of the boxes. I didn’t want to face it, and I stopped going to see her shortly after. Digging deep was bringing up stuff I didn’t want to remember and it was making me even worse emotionally to the point where I was crying what felt like 24/7.

Looking back now, I’m going to assume what she actually meant I had is CPTSD, not that that’s any better than just regular ole PTSD. Mine wasn’t from just one traumatic event, but from repeated trauma over YEARS. There are a lot of things that trigger me that don’t make sense to those around me because my brain was literally wired by trauma. I had to do a lot of things to try and protect myself growing up. It’s something I definitely try to work on, but there are so many things I have just buried deep down that a lot of my reactions to things that shouldn’t be issues are subconscious.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

When I was a freshman in college, my friend pushed me to go to CAPS (Counseling and Psychological Services) for therapy. I went in the spring semester and it worked. I figured I would be good to go for life, but man was I wrong.

I ended up going back my sophomore year, but I got a new intern. I felt like she was judging me (I was kind of spiraling and making just all around really bad decisions). I would tell her something, and I could just see in her face that she was thinking what is wrong with this girl. Honestly, it made me feel worse. I finished therapy through the semester and then I stopped thinking I was cured. Wrong again.

When I pulled myself out of school before the start of my junior year, I went to CAPS again and demanded they give me someone who wasn’t just an intern because I felt like I had way too many issues for the interns to help with. It was there that we decided I wouldn’t go to school that semester and one of the therapists there referred me to Sound Community in New London, CT to do a Dual Diagnosis Program.

The Dual Diagnosis was for people with substance abuse issues and mental health issues. It was a group therapy type thing. I was 20 at the time and I was the youngest one there. The adults loved me though, and there was one woman who told me I reminded her of her daughter. Another would draw me things. We were taught coping skills and just overall educated. We had worksheets and we did projects. I really learned a lot while I was there. I graduated the program sometime in October and I went into individual therapy with one of the people who led the group.

I absolutely loved my therapist I had been assigned. It felt like she really understood me. I was comfortable sharing everything and anything with her. She really helped me so much. I stopped seeing her when they made some changes and the group social workers couldn’t have individual clients anymore. We both agreed that I was ready and I was a lot better than when I first entered the program. Having a therapist you really connect with is SO IMPORTANT. If you don’t feel like you click with your therapist, absolutely try and look for another one because it will make a huge difference.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I graduated from college in August of 2020, five years after starting college in Fall of 2015. I graduated with a degree in New Media Studies with a concentration in Integrated Communication Media.

When I was in college, I started a blog called https://combatinganxiety.com/ as my senior project, I feel that sharing my story is really important for people that are struggling. It’s nice to know that you’re not alone. I share my story to try and help end the stigma. Discussing mental health should not be a taboo.

I have been working for my mom’s blog since 2015 and I really like the work. This summer I took a food photography course and I now take photos for her recipe posts! It’s really cool getting to see my photos published on her site and her social media.

2020 was rough, but it gave me time to really do things I wanted to do (I had been working multiple jobs and going to school for years and the pandemic gave me a break from that life). I really got back into photography and it has been great for my mental health going out hiking with my camera. I’ve also become a bit of a crazy bird lady and I love sharing my bird photos with others who love them as much as I do!

My biggest accomplishment to date is becoming Turning Point CT’s newest team member. I am now their social media assistant! This is my first job I have taken since I have graduated and I am so happy to be a part of something and to help make a difference!

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Well for one, you are NOT alone!

Second, recovery is by no means linear. You can’t expect to just be happy all the time and not depressed or anxious or struggling. You absolutely cannot beat yourself up if you’re having a hard time in your recovery. It just isn’t helpful to beat yourself up. Acknowledge those feelings and try and figure out why you’re feeling those things. Acknowledging those feelings is much better than just shoving everything down.

Third, there are so many resources out there! The internet makes access to information so easy. Social media is a great way to connect with others that may be going through similar things.

Lastly – Hang in there!

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and various other forms of poor mental health for most of my life. My parents say I was anxious even as an infant, but the impact of my anxiety has certainly ebbed and flowed throughout my life. I usually describe my mental health struggles as having anxiety and depressive tendencies, because while I haven’t always technically fit a diagnosis of depression I feel that it’s been lurking underneath the surface for most of my life even when I wasn’t technically struggling from depression. I have always been easily distressed, and I have experienced symptoms of other specific mental illnesses in spurts along the way.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I made it through K-12 schooling and most of college without receiving treatment because I was seemingly functional–my grades have always been good good, and because I was successful and high achieving, I relied on sheer force of will to get through school even though I was falling apart on the inside and suffering greatly. That wasn’t sustainable, though, and I finally started seeing a therapist last fall.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

The first turning point for me was when I left for college, leaving behind an unhealthy school environment and family dynamic. My new environment was so much better that I felt, at least for a little while, like my problems had gone away. However, eventually they crept back into my life. Another turning point where I felt like I was actually doing much better was during the first few months of the pandemic, when for the first time in my life I could make my priority taking care of my mental health and sleeping, exercising, and socializing without stress from schoolwork.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Right now, I’m struggling with the mental health effects of the pandemic. Though initially the pandemic was an excuse to focus on myself, now I’m having to try to maintain my mental health while also working while existing in a global crisis. While I have learned much about myself, such as the fact that I can actually feel healthy and hopeful when I have the opportunity to prioritize my well-being, I’m struggling to apply that knowledge to the world we live in right now.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I used to feel selfish for prioritizing my self and well-being, until I heard a favorite saying of mine that I’ve since learned to be true: You can’t pour from an empty cup. Meaning, the more that you take care of yourself, the more you can take care of others. In that sense, it’s not selfish to focus on taking care of yourself, because it’s much harder to provide love, empathy, and compassion to the ones you love when you are struggling.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I’ve struggled with anxiety for a long, long time. Sort of constantly, like it was all. the. TIME. It got to be way too much and I really started hating myself and thinking I was always the problem in every situation. I also struggled with hating the way I look, how my voice sounds, and a lot of other things that just make me who I am, which made me lose a lot of self confidence.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

First, I tried journaling and listening to music as a form of letting out all my stress, but sometimes, reading what I had written just made me more sad about how anxious I was and what I had become.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

The biggest turning point for me was when I met my boyfriend. He has always been an incredible listener, and he always tells me how much I mean to him and makes me feel really valued and loved.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I feel like a MUCH happier person. I’ve done some things that would’ve been way out of my comfort zone like 8 months ago. I feel like I’m much more of a valid person, and I’ve been able to do some things I’ve always wanted to do (even as simple as wearing a certain Halloween costume) due to this newfound self confidence.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

What I’d like to tell people is that sometimes the right people haven’t found you yet, and it might make you feel like you could never have friends or never be loved and valued, but I assure you, the right person or the right people to make you feel the best you ever have are on their way, and when they find you or you find them you’ll know exactly where you belong.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

In high school, I struggled with body-image issues and restrictive eating habits. I was a Varsity Track Athlete and ran 6-7 times a week. I struggled with my self-worth because I thought I had to obtain an extremely thin frame in order to be liked more. I reached my lowest point around the time I turned 15 and was a size 00. At the time, I celebrated this, but my health quickly started deteriorating. For the rest of high school, I was able to put back on some more weight, but always worked myself too hard and didn’t eat enough. I struggled with whether I would ever feel ‘good enough’ and was scared of getting heavier.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

When my family noticed I was starting to pass out more and more, they became very concerned. My mom encouraged me to see food as fuel, and to try to avoid counting calories or trying fad diets. I could tell she was worried, and at first I did try to take better care of myself. However, I struggled with making healthy decisions, because I felt like I got positive attention from my peers when I looked skinnier. It took me until I got to college to stop tracking everything I ate, and to see exercise as a fun stress reliever rather than a daily chore.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Freshman year of college, I tried so hard to stay in the same shape as I was in high school. I quickly learned that in order to do so, my life would have to revolve around meal prep and spending hours in the gym each day. By the end of that first year, I decided that enough was enough. Over time, I thought about how much happier I would be if I loved my body for how it is, and stopped punishing myself for not being thin enough. Things changed for the better once I made the decision to love myself and treat my body with more respect. What also helped were the more positive friendships I made while at school. Getting involved in different clubs and extra-curriculars, I began to see that I am liked for my character and personality…not for how much I weigh.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Today, there are still some moments where I find myself having negative thoughts about my body and worth. However, I know that self-love is something that can always be worked and improved upon, and I am so proud of how far I’ve come. I still love to eat healthy foods and go running/to the gym. The difference is that I now do this to feel good, rather than to try to constantly change my body. I no longer step on a scale or get discouraged when last year’s jeans won’t fit. I know that I matter, and what’s on the outside won’t change that. My goal is to lead a happy and fulfilling life, while getting the opportunity to make a positive impact on those around me.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

For those who may be struggling with a similar issue, know that it takes time. I didn’t wake up one day and automatically love myself. Over time, I realized my worth, and kept reminding myself of why my past habits were negatively affecting the way I get to enjoy my life. Challenge yourself every day to break harmful habits, even if you have to take baby steps. Seek support from family or friends you trust, and seek environments in which you feel comfortable and accepted.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Depression along with self image issues, It started when I turned 11 but it became very hard during 6th grade when I had turned 13yr old and had to deal with daily bullying.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I got guidance counseling that was available in school at first and only really had that for the longest time. Only having one pillar that I had to lean on that would constantly fail me lead to develop bad trust issues.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

When I got out of that toxic environment, When I finally got a proper therapist, and psychiatrist, and also got on medication that would all come together to make me feel better.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Although my life isn’t exactly how I’d picture it being during this time of my life, I’m in a much better place than I was seven years ago. I graduated High School and I’m starting college.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I would’ve seeked help sooner, proper help. It took until I was already having regular breakdowns to see my first therapist and due to my parents concerns, five years before they’d even consider getting me medication. Don’t be afraid to help yourself.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I struggle with Schizoaffective disorder and it became too much when I was in high school. I was about 14 when I began experiencing symptoms of depression and anxiety. It became too much when I was a sophomore in high school. I couldn’t seem to get my assignments done and I was losing focus in class. It became so overwhelming I was outplaced in a therapeutic school. When I graduated things started to get worse. I spent some time in a hospital due to a suicide attempt and had to drop out of college. I started to deal with mania and psychosis soon after. Currently I am working on recovery and trying to reach certain goals to become functional in society.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I started with basic therapy but that didn’t help much so my therapist recommended I take DBT. At the time, my depression made me reluctant to view help as hope so I didn’t get much out of it. When I went to the hospital they also used DBT. This time however, I was more open to trying it out. Some tools I learned helped me get through my hospital stay. I still use some of those tools today. I was also tried on several medications that didn’t do much for me but luckily I have found a medication that works for most of my symptoms.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

When I received the correct diagnosis and changed therapists is when things started to get better. When my diagnosis was changed I was given different medications that made my life more manageable. During that time I was able to leave the house and do things that I didn’t have the motivation to do before.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Currently, my life has been like a whack-a-mole. When one issue is resolved another pops up. It is definitely a struggle but I haven’t given up hope. I’ve been able to develop tools that are very therapeutic for me such as baking. I am working towards overcoming my fear of the outside world and finding a future for myself.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

My best advice would be to reach out to someone even if you feel like there is no hope in getting help. As alone as you may feel in the moment, there are others who can relate. I wish I’d reached out earlier and expressed what was on my mind. No one can read your mind so you need to speak up. When someone is trying to help you it is important to be as open and honest as possible even if it hurts. It’s for the best because in the long run it will benefit you greatly.

If you’d like to reply to Mariah’s Story, click here!

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with depression, stress, and anxiety. It became too much when I had started becoming suicidal and my mom wanted to take me out of school so I can focus on getting myself together.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

My basketball coach seen that I was struggling and she set me up with a counselor instead of practicing and made sure that I set up appointments to talk to my counselor. It took some time to get used to talking to someone about my issues, but it was very successful.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

There were turning points where things started to become better. I realized that I needed to gain more confidence and be myself. I will eventually have to live for myself and do what is best for me. I became more outgoing and made lots of friends who actually care about me.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is completely different. I want to be able to help others who have been through or currently going through personal issues that are mentally draining. I have been able to accomplish the goal of getting over my fears, graduating from college, and breaking out of my quiet shell. I want to be able to help guide others down a positive path instead of a negative one.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I would tell them to “grow through what you go through.” This is a quote that I live by. It helped me realize that it is alright to go through things, but it is not alright to let the negative things kill me. I had to learn to grow and not let things hold me back from wanting to become successful and accomplish my goals. Never let someone see you down, always walk tall, talk tall, and stand tall.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled my entire life with anxiety, and just recently with depression. I grew up in the Midwest, and I had never even heard about mental illness as a concept until I moved to Connecticut in 2015. We didn’t talk about it at home. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I didn’t know why I couldn’t make simple decisions without having trouble breathing, and crying (I found out later that is what happens when you have a panic attack) I didn’t know why it took me forever to fall asleep, I didn’t know why I couldn’t make friends as easily as other people, When I moved to Connecticut in January of 2015, I went into a new school in a higher grade than I had been in. All of the other kids were older than I was, and I didn’t have any friends that first year. My mental health was really bad at that time but I didn’t know anything about mental health, I didn’t even know that that was what I was struggling with, so I didn’t get help.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

In 2017 I went to the doctor for a checkup and they had me take a mental health screening test. They told me I tested higher than average for kids my age and that they were going to refer me to a therapist. I was surprised because of my very limited knowledge about mental health, and I didn’t even know I had anxiety until I started psychotherapy (talk therapy). For the first year I was in psychotherapy I didn’t really tell anyone about my anxiety, and I didn’t reach out for help besides from my therapist. This wasn’t working for me, because I only saw my therapist once a week and I needed support more often than that.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

About two years ago, I found out my mom had depression, and my aunt, cousins, and grandma also struggle with depression, anxiety, and ADHD. I realized that it wasn’t just me in the world, it wasn’t just my therapist who I could reach out to. I started to talk with my family more about my mental health, and that conversation is really important and has helped me through some really tough times. I also found the mental health community on social media, and in my school with my friends, which helped me to realized that I am not alone. I have a support system, and I can and should reach out when I am struggling.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I struggle with depression and anxiety on a daily basis. My therapist has helped me realize that mental illness isn’t a one-and-done, do this and you’re cured type of health problem. It is always going to be a part of your life, and recovery isn’t about “curing” it (because a lot of times these things can’t be cured) but it’s about learning to peacefully coexist, take charge of your own life, and not letting it control who you are. My life is a lot better since I have realized this, I am able to interact with people with more confidence, I do public speaking for my school, which would have been impossible for me two years ago. I am still working towards asking for help. This past year was tough for me and I have a hard time admitting when I can’t handle something, but I am working towards being mindful of my mental health when making decisions, not letting it control me but keeping in mind what I need to do to stay mentally healthy. I had a period last winter where I was so stressed I didn’t have my period for two months. I was feeling so burnt out that my body wasn’t functioning normally, and part of therapy is noticing unhealthy behavior patterns. I was trying to do too much and it was negatively affecting my health. But I noticed it and was able to make changes to prevent that from happening again.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

You are never as alone as you feel. Tons of people struggle with mental illness, and there are resources all around you if you need them. There is the option of medication, and therapy, but even talking to your family members, to a counselor at school, and going online to websites like Turning Point, or the National Alliance on Mental Illness. There are so many resources for people like us, and hopefully that helps you if you are struggling.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety disorder when I was around 17 and more recently, body dysmorphia. However, I have been struggling with my mental health well before any official explanations were given to me.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I have been in and out of therapy since my freshman year of high school. I didn’t feel like anything was helping until my senior year of high school when I found a therapist I liked and who I felt understood me. She eventually suggested a psychiatrist to help me manage my health with medication. After finding this combination of support, I realized the importance of finding therapists/professionals who you feel comfortable with. Sometimes it takes a few tries and patience to find a good fit and that is totally okay.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

After being in college for about a year and struggling to adjust, I had a turning point moment when I confronted what I really wanted and was feeling and decided to transfer to a new school. I felt supported by family, friends, and professionals and was finally getting used to being on medication for anxiety and depression after months of trying to find the right combination of medicine that worked for me.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Life has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs and that it normal and something I’ve come to accept. Everyday is different and some are better than others but I’m happy and have a great support system.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

To anybody having a difficult time: be patient with yourself. In my experience, things are never as bad as they seem and stay close to the things that make you happy and that you enjoy. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling and if you can, talk to someone you’re comfortable with.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with depression, social anxiety, self harm, suicidal idealization, emotional physical abuse, bullying, teen dating violence, and anorexia. It became too much when I turned 15. I was self harming, practicing unhealthy eating habits and and my current girlfriend was emotionally abusing me.(yes I am lesbian)I decided to give up. I attempted suicide. I was brought to the local ER. I was able to go home that night. The next day me and my mom got into a fight and she was very angry and said “I will throw you out of this car” and I stupidly said “do it”. That night I got taken to the ER again but that time i was there for 3 days in the crisis unit and was placed in an inpatient mental hospital. In there I attempted to kill myself again. Luckily the staff stopped it before I lost a lot of blood. A year later I am still recovering. I am 1 1/2 months clean.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

At first it was an intensive outpatient. It didn’t work.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

About 2 months ago. I changed therapists, I moved to DBT therapy which is working.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is currently really well. I have made so much progress I still have anxiety attacks and my depressed days. But I am clean.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

What I would say to someone struggling is it gets better. It will always get better. Nothing anyone says or does to you defines you. It is not worth your life. Your life is worth way more than you will ever know, And hurting yourself will also hurt others. People do care about you.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with depression and anxiety, it became to much when i had no outlets and was giving up on everything and not able to go to school. it was my senior year and I was overwhelmed and scared to not graduate with my best friend. that was the first time I couldn’t handle it.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

at first I was being sent to a outpatient program after school, I was also seeing a psychiatrist for the first time. it was helpful because I was around other people my age dealing with these things that I have not been through and there was a common level of respect there. the psychiatrist worked with me and really understood me and knew that I knew what was best.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

when my guidance counselor advocated for me and really worked with me to help me reach my goal of graduating on time really helped me mentally because it made me feel like I wasn’t hopeless and have a chance

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

my life now is great, there were a lot of rough patches and moments where I though I was done. I kept on scratching and clawing my way up and beginning of 2019 I was in a place where I was ready to start working on the rest of my life. I have since obtained Recovery Support Specialist certification and a job to start supporting my self.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

one thing I want to say is no matter how bad it gets, there is always something to look forward to no matter how minuscule it is. the thing I’ve realized more recently is life is like a rubber band in that when your getting pulled back you are always being sent forward.

If you’d like to reply to Skyler’s Story, click here!

Hi friends, my name is Ella and I am the new Project Coordinator at TurningPointCT. I am a young adult myself and I thought that it would be good to tear down the curtain so you could see that the person behind it may not be so different to you.

With this being the case I thought I would introduce myself and my experiences with mental illness and unhealthy coping mechanisms. My name is Ella and I identify as a cis female using the pronouns she, hers. I am 21 years old (a taurus), I spent the first 10 years of my life in England, but South West Connecticut has been my home for the past 11 years. I went through the Darien Public School System and went to the Rhode Island School of Design for 2 years to pursue illustration (the image at the header of this is a piece I completed about depression in 2015). I am now an online student at Lesley University studying Psychology. My story has been far from the straight forward, as few stories of mental health are.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, and unhealthy coping mechanisms since about the age of 16. I was never given a full diagnosis other than clinical depression and generalized anxiety, but I believe that a lot of my experiences and symptoms align with Borderline Personality Disorder. I had always been an introverted and anxious child growing up, but my first real experience with mental illness came when I was around 16. My depression and anxiety was triggered by my first relationship which ended up being pretty codependent and toxic, along with other social problems and the building pressure to academically excel. At the age of 18 everything became too much and I came very close to self harm and suicide.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

When I began experiencing depression and anxiety to the point that it was interfering with my life I decided to talk to my parents about what I was going through. Luckily they were incredibly supportive and they helped me to start seeing a therapist and psychiatrist and I was treated through a combination of talk therapy, CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), and medication. This treatment regime kept me afloat through my senior year, getting accepted into college, and graduation, but shortly after everything fell apart.

I was absolutely exhausted from years of unresolved and unhealthy beliefs that I had about myself. I felt like I was totally unworthy of love and I felt that the world was a better place without me in it. I had constant thoughts of self harm and suicide, which were frankly terrifying to face on a daily basis. My parents and I decided it would be best for me to be placed in an inpatient program at Silver Hill Hospital where I would be safe from myself and would be set on track for a healthy recovery.

I spent about 8 days inpatient going through individualized therapy and medication evaluation along with group therapy activities and sessions such as DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and art therapy. I came out of my time inpatient raw, but in a much healthier place. I continued my treatment that summer in an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) that focused on learning DBT skills. This was a group therapy setting with other adolescents my age and younger. I learned so many valuable skills in controlling my emotions, communication and mindfulness.

About a month after this group ended, I packed up my things and headed off to Rhode Island for my first year of college. Arguably, starting my college career so soon after a really turbulent mental period in my life and after a semester away at school things started to fall apart again. I was anxious about my classes and my course load so an unhealthy coping mechanism I developed was to just stop going to my classes. This of course snowballed and I had a much bigger problem on my hands. I felt like such a failure and that I was wasting my time and my parents money and support. I reached out to the administration and decided that taking a medical leave of absence and returning the following spring was the best course of action. I spent that year seeing a therapist and working really hard to recover my mental health and to develop healthier coping mechanisms. When I returned the following spring I barely managed to keep my head above water again.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

At this point I felt hopeless and decided that I needed to take an indefinite break from my education and I returned home to live with my parents again. I got a job at a local coffee shop and slowly started building up my self worth and the belief that I was capable again. Rebuilding my self confidence was truly a battle and I still struggle with this today, but I took small steps like getting a part time job, and then taking a few classes at a local college as a visiting student.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Slowly but surely, I started to believe in myself again and I got to the point where I felt ready and excited to restart my education and search for a more fulfilling job. I began my online degree in Psychology so I could remain at home and save money and shortly after I was offered the job here at TurningPointCT.org as the Project Coordinator. A year ago I could not have believed that I would be where I am today. I am starting to understand that the only thing in my way of living the life that I want is myself. I do still struggle with my mental health, and some days truly are better than others, but I am continuing my efforts to be happier and healthier to see more good days than bad. I am working towards getting to the point where I feel able to help others still struggling with their mental health through my job here at TurningPointCT.org or as a peer.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I heard this a lot as a teen while in recovery and I had a hard time believing it, but things do get better and it does get easier. I know that the problems that you are facing today feel BIG, and they may be, but with time things get smaller and less important and one day it will be a distant memory. Whatever you believe will manifest itself in your actions and behaviors, so why not give yourself a chance? You may surprise yourself.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I struggled with depression and acceptance issues.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I didn’t really have anyone to help me when I was struggling. I usually dealt with it by myself.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I think I started to change for the better when I started to realize that I can be sad but I need to start accepting things that I change and start trying to keep pushing and try to overcome current things. after this, I just started to accept myself and try to be more carefree.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

my life now is more calming then earlier in life but now I’m working on all my problems and starting to overcome everything.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

honestly, I would tell someone whos having a hard time is try to take your problem head-on and just work through it, and just deal with the issue instead of avoiding the issue.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I struggled with depression, anxiety, and self harm growing up. I can honestly say that I am so much better and I am in a better place than where I was before. I’m still struggling with anxiety but not as much as I was.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

At first I didn’t really get any support or help with dealing with all of it. My friends didn’t know or notice something was wrong and I wasn’t doing well, my family didn’t really notice. I just felt really alone and didn’t know whats to do.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

The turning points of my life were being a part of the musical at my school and being a part of the SMART Recovery group. These turning points really helped me because when I joined the play, I met a lot of new friends and one of my friends noticed that I was struggling and she was always there for me to open up to her and other people more and she was always there for me to talk to during and even after school. The SMART Recovery group gave me a place to come to learn how to deal with everything and and gave me a really good support and I learned how to cope with everything. I’m so glad that i heard about this in school and met one of the facilitators.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life now is so much better. I am so comfortable to talk to more and more people, I can make friends easily now, and I haven’t thought about self harming in so long. Now I’m helping other people at my school who are struggling and just checking in on them.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I would say if you are struggling, find that one person that you can talk to and tell anything to and open up to them and have a deep conversation about what you are dealing with. It feels like a weight is lifted off of your shoulders once you have shared and talked about your feelings as cheesy as that may sound lol.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I struggled with social anxiety, depression, and self harm (for a short time). Most of my struggles starts in school. I’m an average person in people’s eyes, but I struggle to make myself believe I am. I have very low self-esteem which makes concentration hard and even harder to answer the simple “Are you Alright?” or “Are you okay?” questions. It’s like 2 different sides, one is me on the outside saying “I’m fine”, the other is crying and dying on the inside trying to find a way to escape

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I have support from my *very* small group of friends. But it isn’t easy to get support when no one really has the time to actually talk. My only other person I can talk to for support is my boyfriend, but it’s kinda hard when he is around 700 miles away.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

When I really had enough I went to get help from my friends. I also went to SMART Recovery groups to be with people who have similar issues and it finally feels like I’m not the only one

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Get the help you really need! There is someone who will listen and always someone who will care.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I struggled with child hood abuse, social anxiety, depression, and self harm

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

At first I went to my friends that I trusted. They helped me to stop self harm for the first time but did not help when I relapsed.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

When I was 13 my mom found my blade under my bed and got me the help I needed by getting a therapist.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Today I am still struggling with my social anxiety and self harm but my depression is not as bad and I got adopted by my 2 wonderful moms.I’m so much better that 3 years ago.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Just fight and stay strong. You will get through it

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What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I’ve always struggled with anxiety/nerves since childhood and always just brushed it off and thought of it as a weakness. Coming from a Caribbean background, things like this are easily brushed off, considered a weakness, or even something they think you will “grow out of”. My sophomore year of college, i started my self love journey and my anxiety was at its lowest and controllable. But once my senior year crept around the corner, thoughts about my career path, life after college, intense courses, family issues and financial stability became too overbearing. My anxiety was at its all time high, and depression randomly smacked me in the face all at once and the feeling was new to me. Both the anxiety and depression began to control me and my emotions. I found my self having mental breakdowns at home, at school, in class so i would have to rush to the bathroom. It really got out of control and took a tole on me because I would have these mental breakdowns in the bathroom and go back to class/work as if nothing happened. I would mask those emotions with a smile and laughter (basically delirious behavior) because a happy person can’t be depressed, right? No one knew, or even had a clue.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

i started going to counseling and it did make me feel better to have someone to speak to. I went to therapy once a week and started writing poetry a lot more.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

i began writing poems in the midst of a mental breakdown and started having journals with me EVERYWHERE I went. I would read the poem maybe the day after and my own words began to touch my soul.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I graduate in May so that’s exciting! I still struggle with my anxiety and have really low days, but I just write it out and remind myself that nothing bad last forever. These experiences inspired me to be more open towards mental health and possibly leaning more about the subject to help others struggling with the same problem.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

” remain positive, strong and persevere” was a mantra I created going into my senior year and repeating that in tough times really helped me get through long nights. I would also ALWAYS recommend writing or doing something to release the inner turmoil. In most cases we try to ignore these unfamiliar feelings but we must EXPRESS our self’s! Keep loving you!

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

From the age of 13 I began to combat developing feelings of Depression and Generalized Anxiety. I grew up in an Upper-Middle class family, in a nice area, I had loving parents that got along and followed the rules. However, regardless of my fortunate atmosphere I started to feel things I’d never felt before. Following were self-mutilation, sleep deprivation, and good ol’ Psychiatric Hospitalization. It was a progressive disease developing in my head in which I had perceived was slowly rotting my brain. A hopeless case of defeat in which there would never be a cure for the sickness in my brain. I was introduced to Marijuana around the age of 14, and boy did that help me out. If I was bored, I could smoke, if I was mad or sad, I could smoke, if I was happy, then let’s smoke!!! Like any other teen I had my justifications, “It’s a plant, they use it for cancer, it evokes creativity, it’s going to be legal soon”, I didn’t understand that without it, I was defenseless against my thinking disease, and in the process unleashed a new one, the disease of addiction. I told myself the boundaries were limited to pot, my addiction told me that it was okay to drink, use tobacco, do whip-its, and then gradually intensified from there. If I didn’t have a way to get high I needed to find a way to, I started rummaging through family member’s pill cabinets, swallowing painkillers and muscle relaxers, stealing money from family to feed my addiction. Of course, at the time I was under no impression at all that I may have any sort of “substance abuse” problem. People told me I did but i didn’t see what the big deal was, I was just doing it for fun, I was just doing it because I like the way it felt, why can’t everyone just get off my back?! Well little did I know, the absence of drugs would push holes into my brain and heart, and when i would get high again it was to temporarily fill those holes for the time being. My diseases progressed with time, morphing into one evil that was separate from myself, a being that took over me, that was very clearly who I had been or was on the inside. My imagination took a sharp turn into sadistic thoughts powered by nihilism. I began to imagine different scenarios of me killing myself, every, single, day. This escalated until I found any excuse to get high, because it’s the only state I felt comfortable in.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Unfortunately for most teenagers and young adults, we are all very ignorant in our ways still, and it usually takes a significant event to change our minds about something. For me, it was the way my actions through using drugs (and alcohol) affected the people around me. It took a while, and those people got hurt so many times, but eventually I began to experience the feelings of selflessness. The pain that I caused around me opened up my eyes and allowed me to finally realize that I wasn’t the only one who was affected by my using. From there, I knew it was time to address my addiction.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life, is amazing now, I would have never imagined making the process I have so far in the short amount of time that I’ve put work into “recovery”. My mood is much more stable, I struggle with depression and anxiety MUCH less and at VERY little amounts of intensity. I can be trusted by my family and friends again. I don’t have to worry about leaving my phone out unattended. I’m so proud of myself for making a turn around in my life, especially being only 17.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Empowerment, you need to feel powerful. You need to gain a sense of control over your life, you need to feel confident in the words “I can do this”. Sometimes you need to hype yourself up, sometimes you have to listen to some energizing music, or drink caffeine, or sometimes….you just need someone to give a pep talk for you. I still do it all the time, “Hey Rob, I know this is gonna sound weird, but can you give me a little pep talk? I need somethin to get me goin”.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have lived what most would recognize as a charmed life. I am an only child, I have two loving and supportive parents who are still married. I went to good schools, I was involved in gifted programs throughout school and I have always seemed to thrive academically. But no one has ever really known my inner feelings of depression, loneliness, crippling anxiety and my excessive stress overload that I bring upon myself. I am now, 24 years old. Throughout my childhood years, I didn’t think life could possibly be better. I had friends, a great family, school. But inching into my young adult and now early 20’s a lot has happened to me and it has affected how I view myself, others and the world as a whole. I had never been one for dating in school. Boys didn’t interest me and my goals were too lofty to waste time on meaningless relationships. That was until I met my first boyfriend. Joe. We met when I was 19. He was it for me. I thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. Have kids. Live somewhere fabulous. But that dream came to a startling halt. He started showing signs of aggression and abuse. Being that I was always someone who wanted to help others, I stayed, despite the mental and sometimes physical abuse. It progressively got worse. I kept telling myself he would change. It would stop because he loved me so much, he would never seriously hurt me. Well, he did. The ending of our relationship was a physical altercation that ended in his arrest and me going to the hospital. If this wasn’t traumatic enough, I was also pregnant at the time. I would later miscarry that baby and that would start my downward spiral into depression. After this, I played it safe with dating. I dated a few guys here and there but nothing of any serious nature. Then, my current husband and I started dating. He has a very colorful past and little did I know it would come into play in our marriage. It has recently come out that he has cheated on me while he was away for work. We are trying to work through this indiscretion but I am finding that it is almost impossible to do. Aside from that, we are in the middle of a custody battle from hell. His mother, (biological), has had guardianship of his daughter since her birth mother passed away when she was just a baby. His mother was supposed to give his daughter back after he was fully rehabilitated from his addictions and bad behavior after the mother of his child passed away. Well, this did not happen. She withheld his child from him, and he has had to take her to court to get her guardianship terminated. This has proven to be the worst possible idea ever. She has repeatedly tried to get us to end our relationship, she has tried on numerous occasions to get my husband arrested by making false police claims. She is an awful woman. The last 5 years of my life have been horrible. Full of anger, hate, sadness, and guilt. I feel like I am falling down a rabbit hole that I just can’t get out of.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I had thought that counseling wasn’t for me. I had put it off for years. Due to the recent chaos between my husband and I and his family, we decided to try counseling together. I felt that it benefited us for the better, but after a while, we started making excuses and ended our sessions.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I haven’t experienced any turning points yet. I am waiting for karma and God to take the wheel from me and allow me to do what I have been doing and trust that things will get better eventually.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I recently got hired at my dream job, so that has been a plus. My husband was granted majority custody of his daughter for now and we have a final court date this next month to hopefully get our daughter back 100% of the time.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Everything happens for a reason. If it is taking longer for you to reach a goal, that is because it isn’t the right time for you to have it, or you haven’t put in the correct amount of work to acquire it yet. Just be patient. Your life has a plan and whether you believe in a higher power or not, just trust that your life will work out. Be open to happiness, stay true to yourself, don’t ever change for anyone, and love yourself first. Above everything and everyone else.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I don’t struggle, I battle with depression, agoraphobia, and PTSD. It became too much 1 year ago.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I got none. No one wanted to help me and that just leaves me to help myself.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I moved away from those who abused me, made me feel like I wasn’t even worth to be called dirt. But they still try to pry their way back in.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I have a son. He makes me laugh like I haven’t laughed in years. He’s my accomplishment. My husband and i got an apartment. We don’t have a couch. Just two camping chairs. We literally don’t have much but we’re safe.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

No matter how many times they say sorry, if they’re still doing horrible things to you after that you need to push them away. Get away from them. They make it worse.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

The Never Ending Cycle

October 24, 2009
Dr. E suggested I keep a writing journal along with the food journal, so here it is. She said to write about my progress (or lack thereof) plus anything else I want, and that it will be for my eyes only. I used to write in journals when I was younger, but opted out once I realized how much they brought my thoughts to life. Silly thoughts, dark thoughts, sometimes thoughts I never knew I had were all hastily materialized per blue ink scribbles. I soon learned that past me preferred to keep such thoughts from future me, and with that, the journaling ceased.
Today, the journaling commences.

October 26, 2009
I threw up today. I woke up knowing I would; not a single hint of doubt crossed my mind. I’m supposed to keep track of all the times I throw up and pursue possible motives, although I don’t know that there are any. My life really isn’t that hard, and I feel like naming “triggers” is just delegating blame. Have a bad day? Eat the problems away. Don’t like looking in that mirror? Try the toilet. Dropped a pencil on the floor? Go ahead and purge about it. And I do purge about it. I purge about this and that, every day.

October 30, 2009
Dr. E told me she doesn’t expect my habits to change overnight, and to not be discouraged on days like today, or like yesterday. She says once the new prescription kicks in (Prozac) that things should get easier. I’m finding it very hard to keep the food journal for reasons similar to why I couldn’t keep my childhood journals. Quantifying my binges makes me feel almost as sick as the binges themselves. I am aware that humans are not meant to bring so much food into their bodies. Before and during a binge my stomach has learned to disregard the concepts of “hungry” and “full,” and I’m not sure why.

November 5, 2009
Today’s therapy session brought up something I hadn’t thought about in years: when this all started. The first time I threw up was in the seventh grade. Recalling the details feels more like recalling a dream than an actual event that took place in a conscious state. It was in the bathroom sink, and I used a toothbrush instead of my fingers. The purge was both easy and painless, and I remember getting into bed that night thinking I had a new secret I would have to keep from the world. I lied down with a guileful grin, then drifted off into an effortless sleep. At the time, it was a solution to eliminating the perpetual discontent I had with my body. I thought I’d finally found the key to feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I felt I had discovered a covert loophole to the laws of physiology. Of course, it didn’t take long to realize that this wouldn’t be the incredible weight loss solution I had imagined (if anything I have gained weight since the cycle began), but here I am four years later.
That impassioned and temperamental middle schooler is worlds away from the young adult who stares back at me in the mirror now. Today I don’t ride the same emotional roller coaster. I don’t ride a tilt-a-whirl, or even carousel. I am stagnant in manner, aloof in presence. The anxiety and extreme self awareness we all encounter in our awkward pubescent stages had long been lifted, but nothing took their place. There is something quite magical about going through days uninfluenced by emotion. My ‘emotion log’ I was asked to fill out for Dr. E has the word “indifferent” written on Sunday, with an arrow leading it through the rest of the week. My boyfriend doesn’t get to hear the words “I love you” or experience any sort of sincere passion from my end. My friends are granted loyalty, honesty, confidence, but never genuine sympathy. My eyes don’t experience the swelling brought on by heart shattering tears, or by euphoric tears. I embrace the nothing. Nothing greets me every morning, then helps me sleep well at night. And through the years, my purges watched as the nothing slowly began to emerge.
Purges came long before the binging did. The latter was an inevitable aftermath. Once the two met, they linked hands, then chose my brain as their permanent place of residence. They haven’t parted with me since; they’re noisy and ornery and it’s impossible to forget them.

Nov 21, 2009
It’s been about two weeks since my last entry, and to be honest I’ve been avoiding writing in here. I told Dr. E I’m not fond of the journaling, but she says it might help me in the long run. I haven’t yet been given a reason not to trust her, so here is round two.
I threw up six times since Monday, and Dr. E said this is an improvement. I don’t exactly agree. The urges are just as bad, if not worse, and without them subsiding I don’t feel improved at all. For me, the urges are the worst part. Once one is triggered, it doesn’t go away. The urge to eat everything in plain sight takes over my thoughts until it is satisfied. This leads to the next urge, one just as strong, to relieve my body of every last bite.
I’m not proud to admit, even if it is just to future me, that I’ve relieved the urge in places outside of my own home. If the first hint of compulsion cannot be overcome, the cycle must reach completion. I’ve thrown up in friends’ bathrooms, I’ve thrown up in school bathrooms. One time I threw up in a bush in the backyard in the pouring rain, just to make sure I relieved the urge without my family hearing.
I really don’t like writing in journals.

Nov 24, 2009
I didn’t ever plan on going to therapy. I knew I had a problem, but I was convinced that I could stop the purging whenever I felt like it. I was convinced I was in control. I didn’t make a connection between the eating issues and my degrading emotion for a long time.
In the ninth grade my mother heard me throwing up. She called me into her bedroom after the fact and sat me down. I remember being caught off guard by her reaction; she wasn’t upset or worried, but rather angry and disappointed. In her eyes I was a young tenacious warrior, resilient to the petty pressures of adolescence. “This has to stop now,” she told me, “you need to be stronger.” I nodded and went to bed.
I didn’t receive any follow up questions or check-ins after the incident. The issue was brushed under the rug, and I couldn’t have been more relieved about it. The only thing I hated more than having the problem was talking about it.
Then one day, two years later, I finally recognized that hiding the problem wasn’t helping make it disappear, and that talking was my only other option. This time I called my mother into the room and sat her down. I admitted to my continuous struggles with the binging and purging between hysterical sobs. She cradled my shaking body, holding my head close to her heart. My mother may not have been able to identify with the problem, but this time it seemed as if she sincerely understood and accepted her daughter’s indecent flaw. Those were the first tears to escape my eyes in over a year, a prolonged imprisonment of emotions begging to be let out. I let them all out. A week later I found myself in Dr. E’s office.
I was nervous for my first day of therapy, as I had never talked to anyone about purging, let alone a perfect stranger. My mother offered to accompany me to the primary session for support. I accepted this offer.
I am at a loss for words to appropriately describe the feeling of having my mother in therapy that day. She had to hear her perfect little angel confess to the purges, describe them in their utmost detail. She had to listen to me define what a typical binge consisted of down to the last calorie. She took this all in silently with a blank face, and I have no idea what went through her mind. My voice trembled as it filled the cumbersome office air. It was the first time I’d verbalized any of this.
I was relieved when I first met Dr. E. My first impression was that she was very amicable, a good seven inches shorter than me with ivory white hair and a truly sympathetic demeanor. When I attend our weekly visits she listens thoughtfully and intently for the entire sixty minutes. She often wears a smile, which helps me feel relaxed. Her face is aged from a lifetime of grinning and laughter. In one of our earlier sessions we discussed the option of me going to a month long rehab clinic for other ‘bulimic’ adolescents where they’re given communal meals and daily therapy. I declined this offer, but it is still on the table if I decide I need the extra help. Judging by my food diary for this past week, it is still a viable option.

Nov 29, 2009
Today I was in math class when something happened. The back of my head began to swelter and pulsate, my vision blurred, and I lost feeling in my hands. I felt my brain liquify and begin to drip, drip, slowly down the inner lining of my skull. I became both unaware and hyper aware. Time stood still. I watched myself from a place within my own head, but also from a place thousands of miles away. For those few moments I was certain I was going to die. Once my legs were able to bear my weight, I stood up and walked out of the classroom. I paid no mind to the rest of my peers or the teacher. I had no mind to pay. I sat in the school bathroom until I was physically able to conjure thoughts and words, and to call my mother. Even though the hysteria was descending, she offered to pick me up if I didn’t feel comfortable staying at school. They say the crazy don’t know they’re crazy, but anyone who’s experienced this delusional reality can say that for those brief minutes, which feel like days, they are crazy. I left early with my mother that day. And for the first time in a long time, I was scared.

Dec 4, 2009
Dr. E isn’t surprised about the panic attacks. She says they’re probably a consequence to letting a lot of demons surface by talking about my struggles for the first time. Her words don’t help me because it doesn’t make them go away. She says only I can make them go away, but it’s difficult to believe her.
They have been coming out of nowhere, an abrupt assault of my most guarded possession: my mind. It is such a dreadful realization that I am no longer in full conscious control of my mind. At any moment, something beyond my scope of awareness can prompt its kidnap, and I am left to deal with the consequences. I don’t know where I’ll be when they come, and I am still not convinced that they’re harmless or temporary, so getting out of bed has become a real drag.

Dec 24, 2009
It’s been awhile since my last entry, and things are actually a bit better. The Prozac has finally come into full effect and has helped me more or less regain control of my psyche. I can now feel when the panic attacks are coming on and sometimes I can even make them go away before they fully surface. With the panic becoming my main priority, the binging and purging have taken a backseat in my mind.

Dec 27, 2009
Today I met with a nutritionist. Dr. E suggested it be the next step, since the frequency of purging has gone down, along with the urge. My older sister Maya asked to accompany me. My parents have always viewed her as the fragile, over-emotional daughter, while I was thought to be more stable and calloused. Maya, too, had problems with throwing up at my age, but never sought help. I admire her for being able to get through it on her own, something I could not do. Despite the dichotomous character roles assigned by our parents, I believe she is much stronger than I am, although she says she wishes she would have spoken up and gotten help like me.
The nutritionist gave me a couple of tips on how to eat healthy and to avoid food deficits because they trigger binges, which are followed by purges. She had a bunch of plastic food to help visually represent meal portion sizes. I’m pretty sure they were from those kid kitchen sets, so I couldn’t really take her seriously.

Jan 2, 2010
Since the cycle was broken, it really hasn’t been as hard to keep it that way. I’ve heard the first three days of being cut off from an addiction are the hardest, and then it slowly gets easier. As horrible as panic attacks are, they may have been just enough of a distraction to get over that initial three day roadblock, a blessing in disguise. I haven’t thrown up once since my last two entries, which may be the longest I’ve gone since the cycle began in seventh grade.

Jan 6, 2010
I have just finished my final scheduled therapy session. Dr. E agrees that I’m strong enough to no longer need sessions on a regular basis. Now that I’m not throwing up anymore or frightened with panic, we’ve honestly ran out of things to talk about. I never thought there would be such an abrupt end to such a perpetuated problem. The Prozac has helped with more than just controlling the cycle and panic attacks; I also feel less like a robot and more like a human being. I feel it has almost been too easy.
So, I guess this means bye bye journal. You’ll be going into the box in the garage along with the rest of them. You may have served your purpose these past couple of months, but now that my journey is ending I prefer to keep you with the rest, where I don’t have to see or think about these things anymore.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

TODAY:

Flipping through that journal so many years later fills me with mixed emotions. It brings me back to a time I hate to remember, but a time that is still relevant to me today. I wish I could say that hiding the journal meant closing the door to these problems, but over the years I’ve learned that it doesn’t. All my former struggles with the cycle creep up from off those pages, slither under doorways and around corners, then silently make their way up my unsuspecting body and into my head. I can go weeks, or even months feeling carefree, and then an urge will hit me, the same urge that has always hit me.
I would be lying if I said I could always suppress the urge to throw up again. I have had occasional relapses within the past years, though never as serious or prolonged as the original problem. I do still feel like an addict. As the years progress, I become more confident in my belief that bulimia is a real addiction.
When the urge surfaces, just as in the past, a switch is flipped in my mind that is much more difficult to turn off than to leave on. If left on, I stop thinking clearly. I get anxious and aggravated with the people around me. All I want to do is follow the same cycle I’ve grown accustomed to, and then the urge, with all the negative passion it brings, will go away. First, I eat. A lot. Then, with two fingers, I unearth the lowermost point of my emotions, as I reach the pit of my stomach. There, I find shame wearing relief’s disguise.
Thankfully, I usually do manage to switch off the urge when it first surfaces. Although, this isn’t quite as satisfying as it may sound. It leaves me with somewhat of an empty feeling that must slowly be forgotten throughout the course of the day. This feeling, however, pales in comparison to the awful feeling that overcomes me after a purge.
For every urge I’m not able to overcome, I tell myself that it will be the last time. I come to this false conclusion where I am certain I’ll remember how horrible that awful post-purge feeling is, and that I’ll never want to endure the same guilt again. The guilt of being too weak and hurting my body. The guilt of making a mess and wasting food. There is enough uncontrollable guilt in the world, and by relieving my urge, I add to the pool.
I used to not understand what perpetuated the cycle. The yearning to be thin would never be satisfied by this habit, which was something I learned soon after it began. There was instead something else, a different driving force only wearing the mask of addiction, which strongly persisted to be met. Addiction starts as a means to catch a high, but over time becomes the only feasible method of coping with life. The neurosis that built around the habit acted as a distraction from dealing with thoughts and emotions I felt powerless to. Addiction stands in for control, but it is nothing more than an illusion.
Throughout the years, the panic attacks have mostly retreated, along with my dependence on the little white serotonin boosting capsules of Prozac. It’s been a slow process, but I’ve been able to better accept emotions of all kinds as they initially arise. With a passion for love comes the pain of disappointment, and the thrill of risks brings the anxiety of failure, but in the end, living life makes much more sense to me in the context of emotion rather than the indifference I had once chosen.
Even with all the positive changes, I know I still have a lot of growing to do. I’m confident that, while I don’t think the urges will ever fully dissipate, they will continue to fade away and become easier to recognize and deal with as I become older and wiser. I am confident that one day I will be able to embrace my emotions fully instead of feeling the need to control them, or hide them behind a mask of binging and purging. I am confident that one day, opening the old journals won’t be such a dreaded experience. But, until that day, they will remain in that box.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Don’t let people shun you if you ever been sexually assaulted, raped, etc. and if they do, they don’t know your story. They are not in your shoes and know what you been through.
It was a nice summer evening, the sun was still out but on its way down. I just moved into the Continuum of Care elp 1 facility. Continuum of care is a Supportive living program. Anyways. about exactly one week later I was sexually assaulted by a man who does not live there. I was sitting on my back steps just admiring everything when this man walk up, acted friendly. At first I didn’t think much of it because I thought he was a resident wanting to welcome me into the program, as many of the residents there did. Not long after, I began to feel uncomfortable when he pulled out a big bottle of booze and started touching me. People I told were like why didn’t you get up and leave, why did continue to let him hurt you? I kept trying to explain that I had froze. I couldn’t get up, I was too afraid. Maybe about a half hour later, he led me to the basement, holding my arm. I tried to pull away but he gripped harder. In the basement was the wort part of the assault. he stripped me and began to do things to me. I was so afraid, but I still couldn’t move, and I couldn’t scream. That was almost four years ago. he never was arrested. The cops made it seem like I was wanting it because I let him. and his girlfriend would taunt me and have him on the phone on speaker phone saying things because he did get banned from coming to the program. After, my experience, I went through so many different emotions. The one emotion that was concerning to myself and to the staff there was anger. Over the years previous to the assault I was also angry. But this time was different. I would throw glass, plates, you name it. I threw a chair once across the room and even flipped a heavy table. I was so angry because I was building up so much emotions from the assault. Eventually that anger led me to the observation unit at Yale New Haven Hospital many times.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

Over the course of the year after the assault, I went to IOP at Yale. I went to DBT to learn how to cope with my anger. I dropped both as I felt they weren’t helping. I just can’t sit for four hours at a time learning how to cope. There has to be another way. Ding Ding Ding. I began Volunteering at the local animal shelter. I was so surprised they accepted me because they said it could take months for a volunteer to get a call after the orientation. I got a call within a week. working with the dogs was making me feel better. I was still receiving treatment at the young adult program. But in addition, I was helping myself and these dogs. There was one day when I broke down crying while walking one of the dogs, a pit bull to be exact. Pit bulls have a very bad rap. Anyways, while I sat down and cried while holding the dog leash, the beautiful dog came up to me and kissed me. It wasn’t until then that maybe animals were the true therapy that I may have needed. Unfortunately I couldn’t have pets at the place I lived at so I continued to volunteer.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

After thanksgiving, two years ago, I moved into a different apartment complex, still part of continuum but a this time ELP2. I broke the no pets rule shortly after my best friend died, which was several months after I had moved into that place. I adopted two female guinea pigs. I was able to keep them due to my high anxiety, my ptsd that I developed after I was assaulted and the depression. I eventually got a doctors note from my psychiatrist stating that they were my emotional support animals. That was the best thing. I feel these girls saved my life as I was ready to give up on everything.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Now I have my very own apartment, not part of continuum. I still have my girls whom I spoil every day. I’m like, they help me in so many different ways, why not spoil them? I have a job and My anxiety level isn’t as high as it was before I got them. I am able to manage my anger a lot better. I still deal with anxiety, I’m not sure If I will have it the rest of my life. But I learned better, healthier coping skills.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

If you are struggling, it’s OK to fall down, everyone does. Just pick yourself back up and keep trying. Teach yourself new ways to cope, don’t give up because eventually you will find the right one. I wish that someone would tell me that everything will be OK. I wish I had more support in my life. But having these animals are the real support that I needed.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with mental illness since I was a child. When I was around six years old, I began to experience anxiety and school avoidance. As I got older, I began to have overwhelmingly strong emotions that I struggled to cope with. Later, when I was 8 I began struggling with my body image and started going on small diets. When I was 10, it became apparent that I was beginning to struggle from an eating disorder. Throughout my adolescence I continued to struggle with eating disorders by restricting and binge-eating and purging. When I was 12, I was hospitalized for the first time after going to a boarding school. Overwhelmed by anxiety and depression, I began to self harm and think of suicide. This began a journey through mental illness that has followed me since. I struggled with self-harm, drug and alcohol abuse, depression, anxiety, BPD, and PTSD throughout my entire adolescence and have survived multiple suicide attempts.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

When I was 8 years old, I began to see a therapist. Before then, my family and I went to family therapy because of an abusive relationship my mom was in. At this point, neither things seemed to give me any relief from my anxiety or overwhelming emotions. I was in psychiatric hospitals multiple times over a span of 8 years. Some of these hospitalizations helped to stabilize me, particularly after suicide attempts or long spans of self-harm. However, I still was not able to make enough progress to begin feeling ‘better’ during any of these periods.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

With drinking and drug use, I had a big turning point after voluntarily going to an inpatient rehab. Being diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder at 18, beginning DBT, and learning about my diagnoses was a big help as well. However, this was only the beginning of a long, ongoing journey. I think the biggest turning point in my life was becoming pregnant. When I realized I would soon be a mom, I was forced to look at the way I was raised; thinking of how it felt growing up with an unstable and mentally ill mom, and how my mental illness had affected those I loved. This was the point in my life when I was forced to take my mental wellness and safety more seriously than ever. I was able to stop cutting and begin the work that was necessary to get a stronger handle over my BPD and anxiety particularly.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Being a single mom is hard, and my anxiety is constant. However, I mostly worry about things I can control; being the kind of mom my daughter needs, and taking care of her. I try to use this anxiety to help motivate me to move forward, rather than getting stuck in the worry. Of course, at times, I worry over many things I have little control over. However, I find my mind is so busy taking care of an infant that I have little time to ruminate. Willow helps me to move forward and work towards mental wellness and stability. Although I still struggle with symptoms, I am constantly evaluating myself and trying to work towards my goals in therapy and my personal life. I know who I want to be, and I’m learning how to get there more and more every day.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

My favorite quote is:
“I may not be where I want to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be.” (Joyce Meyer)
This is something I remember throughout the day. We forget our strength and resilience while we are struggling. But, there is never a time in our lives when things are beyond repair- no matter how strongly we may believe so. I remember the darkness I have come from and know that although I received help, I am the one who pulled myself out of it. For that I am unbelievably strong and brave. Hearing that ‘things get better’ can feel uncertain and vague (although its true). Instead, know that it is impossible for things to stay the same. What goes up must come down, and that is a constant flow we live with. As hopeless as things may seem in a moment, they can not possibly stay that way forever. Give yourself credit for the strength and resilience you posses. You have made it this far; you are a survivor and you have amazing strength.

If you would like to follow my journey of mental illness recovery, motherhood, and life click the read my blog, Well For Willow.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

My mental health has been an issue I have struggled with for 18+ years. I was very young when my parents realized I had so many irrational fears. I commend them now for getting me the help that I needed even as a young girl. At five years old, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Chronic Depression.

I have struggled on many occasions to go about my daily activities while simultaneously suffering from my mental illness. It took many years for me to make progress in my steps toward my mental health.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

The first time I realized I was not alone, I was a freshman in college. I was 18. It was the first time I had been away from home. My best friend had just left for the military. I was going through a horrible and traumatic roommate experience, and I was at the lowest of my lows. Something had to change for me. I went on a trip to the local mall with a few of the people who lived on my floor. One of them being the person I would eventually continue to live with for my remaining college years. She made a comment about something that made her nervous and she so bluntly said, “But I’m this way because I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder.”

Before that, I had never shared my experiences or my struggles with anyone. We discussed some of her struggles and I was in complete disbelief that someone shared her struggle so effortlessly and without being scared of judgement.

She inspired me. I became much more vocal about my struggles. I asked for help when I needed it. I demanded to be taken seriously regardless of my mental illness. I continue to speak with my friends and family members daily about the struggles I have, and the struggles that they have. My day goes on as I continue to make progress in my mental health and wellness.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

For the last 20 years of my life, I have been a proud member of Renee’s School of Dance. As I went through high school, college, and now grad school- the members of my dance class have been nothing but supportive, loving, and uplifting. They have been a part of my life for almost my whole life, and they are among the best support system I could have ever asked for.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

As a 23-year-old-grad-student-Harry-Potter-Loving-Cat-Mom, I am in a place in my life where I am comfortable being who I am. It has taken so long to get here and I am finally proud of who I have become.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

As human beings, we are constantly a work in progress. We have bad days, and good days, and then a lot more bad days. Take it one day at a time. Find something that makes you happy. Buy 20 of it. Use the bricks that people throw at you to build a castle.
And once you’ve built that castle, use your strength to help other people build their own.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Depression, self esteem, abuse and bullying. Being in 6th grade was the first time that I thought about hurting myself. When I was in the 6th grade I was bullied on my clothes, how tall I was, how I dressed and anything else u could think about. Although I was getting bullied in the 6th grade I was also getting bullied in the 5,6, and 7th grade, but in the 5th grade I got hit by this one girl because she didn’t like me.

When I was thinking about committing suicide it was not only because I was getting bullied, but I was also being abused by my father. He would give my sister a black eye, slap me into the wall and beat us until we had marks on our skin. When I had the thought of attempting suicide I didn’t act on my thoughts.

Here comes 7th grade, still getting bullied, I got tired of it and tried to fit in with people. I tried to fit in with them and what they were doing by stealing from my family. When I was in the 7th grade I had very low self-esteem and one day somebody was making me feel so good and made it seem like he wanted me. I did everything he asked me to do so that I could please him so that he could continue to make me feel good. However, he only wanted one thing and he took that thing away from me, then left me. I was 13 and he was 18. He took my innocence away from me which led me into a depression. I started to act different. I started to come in the house late, lie and tell them I’m going somewhere else. One day when I came in late, my mom was so upset that she had beat on me and made me try to attempt suicide again and that time I acted on it by cutting my arm. Had to go to the hospital and have them keep an eye on me to see if I was danger to myself or anyone else until they let me go home. At that time I was living with one of my aunts that was also abusing me, but she did not physically abuse me. The things she said to us, the way she treated us, acting like we were her slaves because we were homeless.  After that experience happened I had moved with my other aunt and I had done things that made her not want to raise kids anymore because all of hers were grown, so I went to live back with my dad. When I was with my dad I started to have flashbacks of how he treated me and one day I tried again to attempt suicide.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

When I was in 6th grade I was said enough is enough. I finally came out to my school counselor that I wanted to kill myself and it was then that I received help. I received treatment at Kempsville Center for Behavioral Health and yes, it worked.  I took some pills that were for depression and same thing happened again so after that they sent me to Kempsville for behavior health and I had to stay at Kemsville. The first 2 stays were only a week which didn’t help, but the last time I attempted suicide on December 12, I had overdosed to the point where I passed out. I was going in and out of consciousness, then rushed to the emergency room where had to get my stomach pumped because I took so many pills. My plan was to die, so why didn’t I? I didn’t die because I had one chance to give it to the Lord and I got one more chance to get the help that I needed. So I went back to Kempsville and stayed 10 months. That was the optimal 10 months of my life because I stared to know that my life mattered. If I would have died, I would left behind loved ones, friends, and also I wouldn’t be able to tell my story.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time?

My vision was to overcome depression, suicidal thoughts and attempts.  Yes, there are going to be days that are harder than the other. You are going to feel like giving up, but I’m writing this to tell you that I didn’t give up. I’m still fighting depression and low self-esteem, but I know that I am going to be someone in life that people look up to and say, “I want to be like her.” That’s why I didn’t give up. I had so much ahead of me and when I get there I’m going to look back and say I made it and I overcame a lot in my young life. I just had to tell you guys my vision because my vision came true and yours can too, just believe in it and never give up…….

Warm regards,
TAKYIA

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with depression and anxiety and self harm. I have had to deal with multiple residential treatment facilities due to these ailments and family relational problems

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I went to the psych ward and was forced to go to an IOP that contributed no help to me

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

the last treatment facility really turned my though process around for the better

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

my life keeps getting better day by day. i am trying to focus on my photography and begin to find the beauty in everything that i couldn’t see before

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

stay positive and remember to smile even if you feel like there is no reason to it will make you feel better

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Depression, anxiety. When I was 16. When I was 20. And when I was 25. It’s been an on-going battle. My later 20s were hard too and 28 kicked off a big bout of severe anxiety and depression again. It’s lingered around to be honest.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

No. It was counselling and he said I hope things get better for you. It wasn’t until I was 28 that I received psychotherapy. Before that I was going to counselling places that were short term and helped me short term. So I would get ahead then take two steps back most of the time.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

My grandpa dying actually helped me come to terms with a lot of things and cleaned up my drinking problem.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is ups and downs. There’s lots of goals I have like going back to school and working with animals. I have a rescued dog. I want to change the world.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

It’s going to be a tough road. There will be ups and downs, if you’re fortunate enough to get a psychotherapist work hard on your goals! Don’t give up! That’s the only advice I can give.

What have you struggled with?

I’ve struggled with finding strength to deal with my on and off depression and anxiety throughout my life. Learning to cope has been a long journey. There is no doubt that, at times, I have lost control of my depression and let it rule my life. At my lowest point, I started to self-harm and thought about suicide.

Did you try to find support?

Part of my problem was that I’m not a very open person. I’ve always idealized about being able to do everything on my own. So, when I needed help the most, I was reluctant to reach out for it.

Also, for a while I did not want help. The numbness of depression was comforting and I hated myself enough that I thought I deserved it.

Only in the last two years have I begun to talk to people seriously about my depression. Reaching out has helped me more than I could guess. It has led me to a community of people that I can rely on and talk to when I feel myself slipping back into depression or feel overwhelmed by my anxiety. I also know now that there is nothing wrong with asking for professional help.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I had been depressed for about a year and I saw nothing different ahead of me. Almost every night, I had gotten into fights with my family over stupid things. I hated myself for being selfish and tearing my family apart and, somehow, I fell into self-harming.

One day, after I had self-harmed, the thought crept into my head, “wouldn’t it be easier if I just disappeared?”

The thought of suicide remained in my peripheral vision for days after but left me conflicted. When I was young, my 17-year old neighbor, with whom I was close to, committed suicide. She was someone I had looked up to, and her death still haunted me. The day she died was traumatic for me, especially seeing the effect of it on those that I cared about.

When I thought about suicide, I could not erase the memory of the grief that I felt when I heard about her death. I know that I was probably the last person she thought of when she committed suicide- I was just the girl she baby sat. However, I had seen the devastation of suicide and I never wanted to be the cause of it. I may not have cared for my life and felt that the people around me didn’t care as well, but I knew I had to be wrong. Someone would feel the effects of my death, I did not have the heart to put someone through that.

If I couldn’t continue living for myself, I had to continue on for them and at least try to make something out of it. Suicide was not an option, and the road to recovery did not end there but it saved me from doing something I could not come back from.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish?

I am about to graduate high school this June and will be going off to college in the fall! I’m very excited about although I definitely have my moments where the anxiety of starting over gets to me. However, for the most part I’m happy with where I am.

In addition, I have an amazing group of friends who I can talk to and support me.

Finally, this year when I turned 18, I got a tattoo. It was something that I told myself in 8th grade I would do if I could get past the worst of my depression. Its something that will last even if my scars fade and it’s a reminder that I can get through anything no matter what.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time?

I know its cliche but don’t underestimate your mental power.

As a person who never reached out to anyone until recently, the hardest part of getting past my depression was finding strength on my own. What really brought me back from the edge was my own mental power.  Every time I wanted to say something negative to myself, I stopped myself, distracted myself, or told myself it was something normal.

This is an on-going process. You may feel perfectly fine one day and the next start to slip again. I’ve definitely gone through waves with my mental health but I try not to let myself spiral to far.

Depression is something that may always loom just behind you but you can definitely learn to live with it.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Over the past six years, I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety. Initially, I was unwilling to get help. Even when I decided to do so, it was a while before I took recovery seriously. I tried to cope with my feelings in unhealthy ways, like purging or cutting. These techniques made me feel better temporarily, but in the long term every harmful action only deepened my mental issues.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

It took me a while to open up about what was happening to my parents. My family is incredibly supportive and stood alongside me every step of the way- but I wasn’t willing to accept their help at first. I wasn’t open with my doctors and therapists. My depression, anxiety, and unhealthy coping skills had become part of my identity and I didn’t know how to function without them.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

My biggest turning point happened when I was driving in car with my mother. At this point, I was barely in school and enough of a risk that my mom constantly needed to be attending to me. She essentially had to monitor me 24/7, making it difficult to manage a social life, a marriage, and being a mom to two other kids. I didn’t appreciate how much she sacrificed for me and how patient and tolerant she was. While we were in the car, I started complaining about something, and in a moment of anger she turned to me and said “You are ruining my life.”
I resented this comment because while I was depressed and dealing with anxiety, I put my needs before the needs of other people. I didn’t realize how difficult this was for everyone else in my life. For a while her words haunted me and I decided to internalize my feelings further and manage my depression in more harmful ways. I felt like I was a burden on my family and that I could fix my problems on my own.
It took me a long time, but eventually I was able to reflect on what my mother said and see that I was truly affecting the life of my family when I acted out, made unhealthy choices, and expected them to cater to me. Even though her words hurt at the time, I was able to see them as an outburst in a moment of frustration from being overloaded with responsibilities. I realized that if I wanted to get better and stop affecting my family members’ lives so much, I needed to stop coping through pain and expecting other people to deal with the consequences. It made me take recovery seriously and become honest and open with my support network.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Now, I occasionally struggle to deal with anxiety and short-term periods of depression when I’m stressed and overwhelmed. However, I couldn’t be happier with where I am now in life. I’m going to a university that I love next fall. My relationship with my family is strong, I have great friends, and my mental health is much better. I no longer need to take medication and I’m much better at self care.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Be honest with your support system! It makes a big difference. Know that you are not alone and that there are many different resources you can use to begin your journey to recovery.

What have you struggled with?

Happiness & Crappiness.

This is me ‘getting loud’, ‘being bold’, and ‘taking action’.

Part I: Stomach Pains and Patterned Pant Suits

For those of you who don’t know, when I was 9 years old I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease; an unfortunate condition that restricts me from eating all that is delicious and full of gluten. With this in mind, I spent much of my childhood afflicted with horrible stomach problems, cycling through doctors and specialists until they finally came to a conclusive diagnosis. Besides being extremely discontent with the fact that I could no longer eat my regular Vanilla Dip donut from Tim Horton’s or indulge in PB&J sandwiches like the average 9 year old kid, I was pretty healthy for a while after that.

When I was 13 years old, the stomach issues returned (and no… I was not sneaking donuts I promise!). I began having constant stomach aches, refused to eat, lost a significant amount of weight from my already lanky frame, and missed school regularly for about a month and a half. So…back to the doctors I went to figure out what was going on.

After numerous appointments and tests, they found nothing.

This resulted in my first trip to a child psychologist. They told me this was an approach to dealing with chronic pain (since nothing else was working); although, in hindsight, I’m pretty sure they were lying, because let’s be real…there is no way in hell a stubborn 13 year old like me was going to go to a psychologist for any other reason. Regardless, there I was sitting in the office of ‘Psychologist #1’ talking about my entire life history (unsure of how that had anything to do with painful stomach aches).

Much to the surprise of my 13 year old self, turns out that psychological distress can actually manifest as physical symptoms; stomach aches included. Who would have guessed?! Long story short, after a number of conversations with Psychologist #1, and a trip to the ‘Russian Psychiatrist Who Wore Unfortunately Patterned Pant Suits,’ I was formally diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

Part II: “I’m so OCD”

Most of you are probably familiar with the OCD stereotypes; neat freak, clean freak, an inevitable discomfort felt in the presence of a crooked picture or a messy room. While these characteristics resonate with many individuals who are diagnosed with OCD (and most definitely for myself), I can tell you that the disorder is much more complex and debilitating than what the stereotypes surrounding it insinuate.

According to Mayo Clinic (because this was obviously the most reliable source I could find on the internet) Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) features a pattern of unreasonable thoughts and fears (obsessions) that lead you to do repetitive behaviors (compulsions). These obsessions and compulsions interfere with daily activities and cause significant distress. According to Anxiety BC (probably more legit), obsessions are often related to contamination, accidental harm to self or others, symmetry and exactness, and forbidden thoughts. Compulsions include washing and cleaning, checking, counting and tapping, and ordering/arranging.

Over the years I have experienced every single item on this list. I can also tell you that someone with OCD is entirely aware that these obsessions and compulsions are absolutely ridiculous and illogical; but this realization certainly doesn’t stop the obsessing and ‘compulsioning’ anyway. I mean, realistically I’d rather not spend my day checking numerous times to confirm the oven, hair straightener, and lights are off (because if I don’t I might be responsible for burning down my entire apartment building); that yes, the door is most definitely locked, and it was the first 5 times I looked (but if it isn’t, then someone might break in… and that could be catastrophic); I’d rather not wash my hands excessively to the point that they are raw and cracked (but if I don’t then I might contract a deadly disease); I’d rather not feel the need to keep everything constantly clean/organized to perfection (but if I don’t, I know I’ll feel anxious until I do); and I’d definitely rather not waste time counting to 12 for no particular reason other than when I’m done I somehow feel better.

As someone with an extensive amount of education, I can rationally conclude that these associations are entirely irrational; I know the stove is off, I know the door is locked, I know I’m not going to contract a deadly disease if I don’t constantly wash my hands, and I know that counting to 12 accomplishes absolutely nothing. With OCD this is irrelevant, because the anxiety is real, and all that matters in the moment is finding a way to reduce it… even if that means feeling like a fool – a less anxious fool, at least.

When I was younger, the obsessions and compulsions were a very prominent part of my life, but with the combination of many visits to “Psychologist’s # 1, 2, 3, 4, 5”, a group exposure therapy class for kids with OCD (where they provoked our anxiety by having us stick our fingers in toilet water and refrain from washing our hands for as long as possible – although I’m pretty sure any person with some standard of personal hygiene would find this quite stressful…), and medication, things became much more manageable.

That’s not to say I don’t still have my ongoing challenges.

Part III: Literally and Figuratively Living Under a Cloud

Despite past experiences, I can confidently say that the last three years have been both the best and the shittiest of my 25 (almost 26) years. I have laughed, I have cried, I have succeeded, and I have failed. I have loved and I have lost. I have experienced the beauty of this country and I’ve found a passion for the mountains. I’ve made amazing friends, I’ve completed a Master’s degree, and l have reclaimed my independence. I’ll spare you the details of the ‘shitty stuff,’ but despite it all, and most importantly, I have learned more about myself than I ever thought possible.

In the fall of 2013, I moved across the country to Vancouver to attend graduate school at Simon Fraser University on top of a mountain in the clouds. It sounds majestic, and on clear days you got a pretty incredible view of the surrounding mountain ranges; but let me tell you, it could be depressing as hell. If it wasn’t raining or foggy at the bottom of the mountain, then it probably was at the top. I mean, our mascot wasn’t named McFogg the Dog for no reason (and yes, I am totally serious).

The first term of grad school was one of significant transition, to say the least. I had recently gone through a break up with my long term boyfriend, moved out of my parent’s house for the first time, moved across the country on my own, and started a Master’s degree in the top Criminology program in the country. Needless to say it was a lot to handle all at once. Despite the constant academic guilt and numerous emotional breakdowns in the department lab, I steamrolled through and successfully made it to the Christmas break, during which I went to visit my parents who were living in Iqaluit, Nunavut at the time (I’ll save my experiences in Nunavut for another blog).

The Christmas of 2013 was my first real confrontation with major clinical depression. Let me tell you, if you think having OCD sucks, being depressed sucks even more.

“A major depressive disorder is different than the blues. Someone experiencing depression is grappling with feelings of severe despair over an extended period of time. Almost every aspect of their life can be affected, including their emotions, physical health, relationships, and work. For people with depression, it does not feel like there is a ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ – there is just a long, dark tunnel.” -CMHA

…And a long dark tunnel it was. That Christmas consisted of lying in bed binge watching TV box sets and constantly on the verge of tears. It didn’t matter that it was the holiday season, that I had successfully completed my first term of grad school, or that I was reunited with my supportive family for the first time in months. I had so much to be grateful for, but the depression clung to me like a heavy fog.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier?

If we don’t talk about mental illness, if we don’t educate people, and if we don’t say that sometimes ‘it’s ok not to be ok’, then how can we possibly expect people to seek the help they need?

We can’t.

We need to GET LOUD. We need to BE BOLD. And we need to TAKE ACTION.

Over the past three years I have encountered a handful of these depressive ‘episodes.’ Sometimes they are short-lived, and sometimes they feel endless. This past spring was by far the most difficult. It was a time of significant transition in my life and I felt like I had lost my sense of direction. I stopped eating, I stopped exercising, I couldn’t sleep and yet sleeping was all I wanted to do. I started a new job and yet had no motivation to work. I was stuck in a deep hole and I could not dig myself out.

If I’m being honest, I can’t pinpoint the moment when things changed. I cannot identify the day I woke up and didn’t feel like complete garbage. But it happened. Slowly but surely, things got better. I started to eat. I regained my energy. I forced myself to socialize. I made fitness my therapy. I pushed myself and I faked it until eventually I felt better.
Let me emphasize – someone with depression does not choose to be depressed; and someone with depression cannot just decide to be happy. I did not dig myself out of the hole alone and for that I am grateful. I had bills to pay and a new job to keep, I had friends who showed up in the morning to drag me out of bed or push me to leave the house (special thanks to KW), I had phone calls from my family, I went to counselling, took medication, joined sports teams, and started fresh in a new apartment of my own.

There are still days that I can feel myself spiraling backwards; mornings I’d rather stay in bed and shut out the world. Fortunately, however, I’ve come to recognize these signs and find ways to scramble my way out before I slip back into the hole: I have my fitness, I have the mountains, and I have many shoulders to lean on.

I may be a person with mental illness, but I am not alone.

There is help, there are people who understand what you’re going through, and it does get better, I promise.

Read more of my story by following my blog at theobsessivekat.wordpress.com

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

When I was 12, I was diagnosed with manic depression and anxiety. 2012 was the year that would change me forever. It started out with becoming more and more isolated, not going to school, and not ever wanting to leave my house. I was 12 years old when the sexual abuse from my step-father started. This man was the same one that had raised me since I was 2. He was the only man I ever thought of as a father since my real dad was long gone by the time I was born.

It started out with touches, a little too close to my private parts, then it started with kisses and sneaking into my bedroom at night when my mom was asleep. I was terrified.He threatened my family against me, my brother and my sister and I figured, it was better that he did it to me, and not my younger siblings. It went on for 3 years after that. I started smoking cigarettes when I was 13, smoking pot at 14, 2 suicide attempts at 14, 3 when i was 15. I overdosed multiple times, dying only twice, only to be brought back.

I kept silent about my father, i wanted to protect my family and I felt embarrassed of myself, i didn’t know what to do or how to do it. I thought killing myself would end everything, so i tried, only to end up in a mental hospital for a couple weeks, then released back to my personal hell that no one knew about.

October 27, 2015 was another date that I tried to kill myself. I was unsuccessful. On the 30th while i was in the hospital, i let the secret slip about my dad. I wrote it down on paper and i told my doctors and things finally started to look up. I was so wrong. The same day i confessed to the sexual abuse i was put through, was the day that my dad killed himself in my family home. My mother was the one who told me. It was 2 days later when she found him, 2 days later when she told me at the hospital. I remember screaming the word no over and over again, crying until my face was purple.

I remember the nurses trying to comfort me but they couldn’t, they didn’t know how. I remember being so confused and hurt and angry. He got away with everything he did to me, and I had to suffer alone. I got out a couple weeks after that, and my family had lost our home due to the expenses of the funeral. We got onto welfare and had to move into an apartment, and it wasn’t too bad. Slowly, my mom started to turn cold and violent towards me, degrading me whenever she was angry, and leaving me to watch my younger two siblings.

It is now July, I have moved in with my grandma, who has always loved me no matter what, and who has always listened and believed me. I am 16, an age i thought i would never reach. Ive been diagnosed with PTSD, SAD and Bulimia on top of my manic depression and anxiety, but I’m taking medication and getting support from counselors. Nothing is easy, ever, but I am learning how to survive.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

At first the support i got was something that I would push away all I could. I hated the idea that I needed help, and I would refuse it at any point i could. Slowly, i stopped being so stubborn and i let them help me, and i feel much more stable now than what i did.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Recently I have started to eat better, do more meditation and exercise and I have started to talk to people more and get out of the house. Moving in with my grandma was also a huge turning point. I feel like I am in a safer environment now than what I was with my Mother.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Well, I am now producing an album coming out august of 2017, and I am just, so excited that I have the ability to do this. I am so proud of myself for pushing myself towards this future.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I wish I knew that the only thing holding me back, was myself. I was the one stopping myself from truly living, and I wish I had never limited myself to staying home and sulking in my sadness and wondering why my life was like this. Go out there, and make friends, do stupid things and be a little reckless. Just live.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts since I was 12 years old

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I tried talking to friends and adults about my depression and anxiety, but I was always told that I was being pessimistic or that I was just complaining rather than fixing what I needed to.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

After four years of losing family member and friends and young relationships I had enough. It only took one night where I felt alone and no one was there to set me off. I attempted suicide right before I finished the 11th grade. After my attempt I was admitted to a mental hospital under a 201. I spent 11 days there talking through my issues and meeting new people.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I still struggle with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts even after almost a month since my discharge, but I see life differently. I will never be able to run from my mental illness. I may not always want to be here and I may shut down sometimes from sadness, but in the hospital I truly saw my blessings. Every few days I get a letter from a girl I met in the hospital that was 13 and I talk to her about her problems since I can’t talk to her over the phone. Being told that my letters make a person happy and that my presence made their stay a little more comfortable is the reason I live. Those compliments are the reason I keep going when I feel like my life is going backwards.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Always talk about your issues. If people do not want to hear them find someone that does. It could be a therapist, teacher, parent, sibling, friend. Someone will always care even when we think that no one does. Also, never get attached to people. People will come and go from your life and you have absolutely no control over it. Sometimes you have nothing to do with it. Never let people or things cause you to question your worth.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

My parents got divorced when I was 6 and although I don’t remember many details of the divorce itself, my parents do not have a good relationship now which causes much strain on me and my mom especially. From when I was 6 until my freshman year of high school, I split my time between living with my mom and dad, seeing my mom usually 4 of the 7 days of the week. However, my dad struggles with OCD, does not easily understand social cues, and is incredibly stubborn; this led to constant fighting between us, so much so to the point where I would become incredibly miserable when I would have to stay over at his apartment. At the height of our fighting when I was in 8th grade, I saw a psychiatrist to see if I had depression, given I thought that I showed many of the common signs and felt constantly weighed down by my situation. I never actually ended up taking medication, but my turbulent relationship with my dad was really hard for me to cope with.
In the very beginning of my freshman year of high school, I finally made the choice to stop living with my dad and moved in with my mom full time. I became so much happier at home, even though I felt guilty and confused about what to do with the relationship with my dad. I was in a really manipulative friend group for this year of high school, one that experimented with drugs and alcohol (which I personally chose to not try) and made me play babysitter when they needed someone to take care of them during and after. Lowering my self-esteem and confidence, I lost my desire for good grades, leaving my grades to plummet drastically for the majority of freshman year. Needless to say, freshman year was a mess for a lot of different reasons.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

Freshman year, I turned to my best friends from sleep away camp to vent to and turn to for help throughout these issues, helping me but still not fixing the problems that were plaguing my life.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

However, I applied to and got accepted to study abroad in Israel for the spring semester of my sophomore year, which turned my entire life around. I instantly fell in love with Israel itself, which led me to create my desire to serve in the Israel Defense Forces after college. I discovered myself, figured out what I like and who I want to be, made the absolute best friends of my life, and fell in love. Israel saved me, and since then, my work ethic and personal life have been incredibly fulfilled and meaningful.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

The situation with my dad has been very complicated recently because he is refusing to help pay for me to go to college, and thus my mom is currently taking him to court in a messy and drawn-out case. On one hand, I am incredibly happy living with my mom and stepdad and sister (my mom and I are very close) but also, I feel guilty not having a real relationship with my dad. Yet, him being financially negligent in my upbringing and causing incredible stress for my mom leaves me confused and undecided as to how I feel about him and what I want for the future of our relationship. However, senior year has been absolutely incredible, and I’ve solidified friendships with really amazing people from home that I plan on keeping into next year when I attend Bard College in New York (hopefully Brandeis University if I’m lucky enough to get off the wait-list). Life’s good!

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Definitely make sure that you have a strong support system like true, genuine friends that care about your well-being. I turn to my friends for everything. Even if you don’t have particularly strong friendships with anything, even knowing that you have the option to turn to others for help is really important to remember.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I wasn’t a very loud person; I was shy until you got to know me. Back in middle school, about 6th grade, I was bullied . It was bad. Nobody wanted to sit by me, or talk to me, I wanted friends. Plus, with all the things I had going on outside of school I wanted to know people and be social. I was the new kid and I had no idea why they hated me so much. I’d get called names everyday, I had things thrown at me, there was even a time where these three girls tried to fight me in the bathroom. I used to use school as a getaway place, it made me feel sane being at school because I didn’t like home. When the bullying started happening I wasn’t sane anymore, I was scared to go to school. There were days when I wouldn’t even go to school. I would just hang out at the city park or something until school got out so my mom would think I went to school.

Things slowly turned as my middle school years went by. I ended up making friends. We hung out all the time but I noticed after a little while that they only hung out with me because I had money, they would bribe me into buying alcohol every weekend. I knew after a while that I was hanging with the wrong crowd because those decisions I made got me into trouble. One night I was drunk and I was with that group of friends. We were at a party and I was barely walking at this point because they kept telling me to take drinks; it was peer pressure. I fell asleep in one of the rooms and they took pictures of me and sent it to everybody. They were calling me harsh names, took my money and my phone and left me at that house. I was abandoned. I stopped hanging out with them. After that night I knew nobody would want to be my friend so I stopped trying to talk to everybody.

My 8th grade year I finally made some real friends; friends that I am actually really close with today. They were and still are supportive of me. My high school years were pretty much the same. I drank to numb myself from pain and I smoked a lot of weed to the point to where I didn’t even get as high as I used to. I had even more problems at home, I lived with drunks and I’m still living with them. They fight every night and I see negative things I don’t want to see. I get into fights with my legal guardian. I really dislike it at that house, it doesn’t even feel like a home. I get accused of a lot of things.

I was diagnosed with depression my sophomore year. I had to take-anti depressants which I didn’t really like taking because they made me feel ugly. But I knew I had to for my own well being. They didn’t help at all and I was still the same person I was before I had gotten the prescription. I was still distracted from school work from my thoughts that wouldn’t stop bothering me. My junior year I met a girl. She made me happy for the time being. I guess it was the comfort I really needed and she gave me a lot of that. I was staying with her for a long time, her family made me feel wanted; I really liked it there. Everybody was supportive of us two for being “gay” (I got bullied for that too my 8th and freshman year). When we broke up six months ago I took it pretty hard. I was back to doing the same things I used to.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I didn’t really reach out to anybody for a long time. I had gotten over the break up, and that is one thing I enjoyed. It wasn’t really healthy for me to be feeling sad for something I can always find elsewhere. But that doesn’t mean I’m happy with life. I always kept things to myself that is why I felt so lonely. I had that feeling that if I tried then I’d be bothering people with my depressing problems I have going on in my life. People were willing to help but I still felt that way. I hid my emotions so much; I always put on an act everyday like I was the jolliest person in the world. .

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Yes, a little bit. Three months ago I was on this website and I met this lady friend. We talked and we clicked right away. We talked all day and all night. Everyday. She was going through the same things I did. I looked forward to going home for a change because I only wanted to talk to her. She is the one person who brought me out of my sad shell. I was able to tell her what I was feeling and not worry about bothering her. She just makes me feel sane even though she lives 24 hours away from me. I can tell her anything, we share our stories. I think that made the sadness go away a bit, I know I shouldn’t be counting on other people to try make me happy, I’m trying on my own too, but she promised me she would help me get through this. It does lift a little bit of weight off of my shoulders (:

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is still the same, I get panic attacks a lot more, but at the same time it has gotten better with the help I have. There are things that have worsened it. I am trying to get there; it may take a while but I do believe in myself. I’m working on myself as best as I can. Focusing on the positive.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I would tell them, keep trying. Your not alone in this, there’s always going to be people who be willing to help. Be brave, speak up it will really help you in the long run; as bad as it seems now it will all be OK. It will take some time but I believe anyone can get through this. This is going to be you getting through this as best as you know how, nobody gets to tell you what your tough looks like.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Aubry B. It almost feels like I was destined to struggle, like someone just gave me this life on purpose to watch me fail. I wasn’t brought up in a very loving or supportive environment and ever since I was younger I have bounced around from school to school, family member to family member, foster home to foster home, and finally I was brought to an young adult inpatient treatment facility. Almost any thing you could think of I have dealt with, suicidal thoughts, sexual and physical abuse, grief, emotional and verbal abuse, abandonment , being bullied, self-injurious behaviors, being mistreated in hospitals and I was diagnosed with Borderline, PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Finally at the beginning of my young adult life I decided I was no longer a victim but a survivor , a warrior, and a voice to those who needed help., I got sick and tired of leaving scars on my body and I got sick of being “sick” and finally I decided to do something about how I felt. Of course life threw more curve balls, but I threw them back twice as hard and knocked down all of the mountains in my way, or I guess you could say I learned to walk around them.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

People telling me No was the biggest challenge I faced, but in the end it taught me how to go after something if I really wanted it, there are going to be people to support me but they can not the people who put in the work, this is my life and easel to paint on, they’ve given me the brush now it’s up to me to paint a beautiful creation. Telling me no saved my life, no I can’t help you Aubry was the most amazing advice I could take. Also the young adult treatment center lead me to a very unique individual who has been guiding me for 7 years! She is my human journal and my mentor she has acted as a mother, friend, sister, guardian, e.t.c It is always a blessing to have someone to help you and say hey I am proud of you even if it’s just one person, but you have to let them in and you have to accept advice

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I now work as an advocate in Hartford, CT, I am currently training with AU to pursue my advocating I also volunteer at many non profit and mental health and addiction agencies. I am going to be training to teach a class for super advocates! I have done many speeches and one was actually at my old youth treatment center!!! In 2o13 unfortunately my father committed suicide and for the very first time I am speaking publicly about my experience and I am ever so thankful for the support I have through all of these organizations !! Life gets better even when it feels like a rug was pulled from under your feet you can still crawl to your dreams and in life there is a lesson in every aspect of pain, it is the eyes of the beholder !!

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is great, it is perfectly imperfect and I am for the most part where I want to be!! Hope, passion, and helping others are key to making it through the tough times!! surround yourself with positive vibes, even people you can go to when your feeling down!! meditate, breathe, write, paint, draw, dance, exercise, sing, act, DREAM!!

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

There is help and even if you are emotionally overwhelmed it is up to you to grab hold of your resources and find a way!! Never give up you are always stronger than your pain!! you would not be human if it hurt so bad when someone has passed away, and you would not be human if you felt stressed, alone, angry, e.t.c Do not give up …ever and even when you feel like giving tell someone you trust!!! Find someone who will listen when you need an ear, find someone who will speak when you need advice, and find someone to relate too when you feel alone!!

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have anxiety, depression and OCD. it hit me the most in high school and I am currently in college and getting help so it isn’t hurting me as much as it did.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

College counseling and it helped a great deal but I am also on medication.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

When I got to college my life changed. I could get the help I needed for free and I didn’t have to worry about the judgement of my family

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is great now I have 3.0 in college which I’m trying to get up to a 3.6. I feel like I can do whatever I put my mind to. I am a psychology major and I feel so smart and I am able to do that because of the help I have now.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I wish I would have believed them when they said it got better. Being alone dealing with mental illness is the hardest part. When parents and family members don’t get young children the help they need, it really effects the rest of their life. I wish I knew that I would be able to become this person I am now. I want to be able to be a voice for young people and stand up and say that they will be okay even though at this moment they feel like everything is falling apart. Mental illness is a huge part of my life and I want to do everything I can to break the stigma and help young people get what they need to get better and support them in that.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Depression with psychosis. It became too much when I was drinking everyday and using drugs before I attempted suicide.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

At first I was in the hospital then released to therapy, but this did not work at first because my diagnoses and medicine were not fully worked out.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Things changed for the better in 2015 when I went for a 6 month stay at CVH (CT Valley Hospital) and really learned about myself and who I was.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Now I work for Toivo and have a great relationship with my case worker and therapist. Both of them are helping me to grow as a person and learn to live with my illness/addiction.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I would tell people to communicate and be open about what is going on with them. At first I was very closed off and did not want to accept the fact that I had a problem. It wasn’t until I started being true with myself and others that I was able to get the help I desperately needed.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

When I was around 8 years old, a family member began sexually assaulting me. Every night I was subjected to abuse. Eventually after almost 3 years I came forward. But instead of having the support of my family, I was ostracized and treated as a pariah.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I got no support. I had to help myself no matter how difficult . I went through deep depression and multiple suicide attempts, and eventually ended up in therapy. The therapy has been effective.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I met my boyfriend of a year and a half. Hes been nothing but supportive and loving.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I am working on having a stable relationship with a partner and being happy and confident in myself.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

It always gets better. No matter who says different.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

For many years I struggled with fear, shame and internalized homophobia. When I approached 14 years old I began to realize that I was different from the people around me.

But I had this mentality that there was no way I could be gay, it had to be a phase and I had to get rid of it. High School in Jamaica, where I am from, was hard. All my friends were talking about girls and I didn’t want to.

In society, in high school and in my home there was no place for being gay.

My father strongly believed that it was a sin and that gay people should be killed. I felt trapped. I was virtually caged in. I had no conviction that who I was OK, and day after day I tried figuring a way out.
To some extent I felt as though I had to do things to please people, so I worked really hard in high school and strived for the very best grades; that way I could distract people from my sexuality.
But I never felt complete; as I grew older people started figuring things out and I had to lie. By lying, I created a wall around me, I became introvert and I lived with guilt. I felt wrong and disgusting and I didn’t want to go on living.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

When I reached 20 years old, I emigrated here and I made up my mind that I was not going back. Before I moved my father attacked me with stones and machete and I knew that my life was at risk.
While here in the United States, I stayed with some family but then they began to have assumptions about my sexuality so I reached out for help. I was struggling with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I was then admitted in hospital.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

In hospital I came out for the first time. For the first time I told a group of people that I was gay and they accepted me.

For seven days, while in the hospital, I saw my life changed.

For the worst part, I lost most of my family and almost everything I had. When I left the hospital I only had the clothes I walked in wearing.

Nevertheless, I gained what I didn’t have, ‘freedom’. I was moved to a shelter and I reached out to the Triangle Community Center that showed me the way to get around and find necessary support. It was a scary experience. At the time, I hardly knew anyone and I had no money to get around. But I constantly reminded myself that I was out and safe and I had support, which were the most important things.

I started going to counseling sessions and I was able to develop personal relationships and meet good people were able to give me the right advice.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Since being on my own for the last eight months, I have developed a passion for life and to be creative. I have been able to find supportive housing and I have applied to college with the hope of starting next fall.

I have also met many amazing and genuine people through these last months and I have managed to remain positive about life and continue dreaming about accomplishing and achieving great things.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

To anyone who may be going through similar struggles; remind yourself first and foremost, never to give up, no matter what… No matter what people think about you and no matter what society says.
Find that strength within you to believe in yourself. Create your identity, respect and embrace it. You were created to be you and the very best you that you can be.

It was bravery that got me where I am today. I believed in myself and that’s something I wish I could tell my younger self.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with my family because of my sexuality. I was very suicidal. I couldn’t take it anymore when my last suicidal attempt failed yet had serious consequences to my overall health.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I got support from hospitals, residentials, group homes, and state hospitals but none of them work. Finally I got acquainted with DMHAS and they helped me out so much through the years. I am now voluntarily involved with them. That means I get services from them but I can walk away at any time.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I noticed that in life, hardship is the most effective way to strengthen the soul. It is the hardship that made me so much stronger. I started to notice that most people I came across couldn’t even begin to fathom what I have been through and how resilient I am because of my past. I soon understood that all the horrible things I have been through made me the powerful person I am today.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is a lot more manageable now. I have published a book and created my own website stemming from my writing career. I go to college to major in Psychology to become a therapist someday. I got a gym membership that I take full advantage of on a regular basis and I have lost a lot of weight because of it. I attend church and integrated into my church family and even got baptized recently! I weaned my way off psych medication entirely but I still have a therapist that I intend to utilize as long as I possibly can.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I started to have hope when I turned to God and Spirituality. There are three spiritual laws that I follow in my daily life that helps me come to terms with a connection with my higher being. The Law of Attraction: if I am positive then I will attract positivity and if I am negative then I will attract negativity. The Law of Allowance: I must allow myself to experience new experiences and think new thought patterns (keep an open mind and try new things) and not let fear nor anxiety render me from doing so. The Law of Acceptance: I have no control over anyone but myself. To each his own.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

A.P’s Journey to Wellness: I have depression, anxiety, PTSD and I am bipolar.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I got therapy and unwanted attention and that started my journey to wellness.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

When I turned 13 AKA my 8th grade year, I got my first boyfriend and we have been together since then.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I am currently in my second year of college at Point Loma.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Never give up on your future and you may not believe it but yes it may seem hard now but things will get better. There is always rain before the beautiful rainbow.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

A brief background about myself, I am from Hong Kong, and now I am living alone in Canada. Everything began since April 2004, I was diagnosed with Depression and General Anxiety Disorder, those were the darkest days in my life. I still did not believe that I can deal with it until now. I was from a culture which is competitive. People judge and compare each other. Bully the worse and be the best. I was one of the person who got bulled since I was 10, because my marks were on 60-70s. People laughed at me and pushed me into the corner to hit me. I was so stressed and under pressure. After bad days in my school, when I came home I had to face another stress from my parents. I could not even cry a single tear because I would get kicked out of the house, my relatives judged me as a monster, trash of humility. I did not know how to relieve my stress and pressure. I felt so helpless. To be honest with you guys, I got raped when I was 14 but I did not tell anyone. I have seen myself as dirty, unclean and evil. I tried to jump off from the roof of the building  (it was around 32 floors high), and got hospitalized immediately. This was the beginning of my depression and GAD. I did not go to school for almost 2 years, but I missed out so many parts of my life and my childhood, I had been hospitalized for a long time, so I did not even know how to talk to others or even did any activities.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

At first, I had been assigned to see a psychologist and psychiatrist. It was quite helpless since my psychologist kept changing all the time and it was totally NOT FUN to speak about my problems all over and over again. And then, I started joining school counselor and family therapist. They were really helpful to me and gave me a great opportunity to speak up to my parents about how I feel. My school counselor encouraged me to go to school by giving me one poker card every time I went to school, it was  great parents for me and it also started giving my hope about life when I saw how beautiful those poker cards are, they were themes of UK London buildings and scenes. I have been playing music since I was 2 years old, but due to illness, I did not have a chance to pick it up again until I had been in a creative high school where I was focused on music and design major. Music gave me so much energy and I composed my first new song since I was 17, about myself that time. It was a huge accomplishment for me in my life until now.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I have had 7 times of attempted suicide before in my life. I was so negative and I always felt like I am in prison which no one even visited me, no one remembered my birthday, no one to be with me at Christmas. When I saw how people were being happy on the TV, my heart was painful as hell. I could not even know how could I still live in this world. After one of the big turning point that made me stop having suicidal thoughts, which my FIRST BEST friend in my life since I was 18 completed suicide. She had Schizophrenia. I was the last one in her contact number, so I was forced to have a mini interview with police and such. They gave me so much pressure, I felt so guilty about not helping her out and left her alone to deal with problems. I shouted and screamed, pulled many of my hairs out, and the hospital sent me towards a personal ward. All people said I was crazy, I would not be normal again. But YES, this trauma made me stop suicide because I knew how pain it was that person who left off in this world. I still working on this trauma until now, but I really hope I am get over it and just remembered positive things from my friend. The other turning point in my life is I diagnosed cancer on my leg, I was so depressed that time which I thought my life may end here. I did three operations on my leg and I could not run and would not jump anymore in my life. I moved to another ward which always gave me shots and screen which made me pain and dizzy, felt cold and hopeless all the time. I started understand how life precious and how should I treasure the rest of my life IF I have time. and luckily I have been cured of cancer and now I moved to another country to continue my studies.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My dream is to be a musician because it is what I love the most in my life. and after my experience, I am planning to be a music therapist in the future, if I have money to continue my study. I am still so surprised I was never been able to attend 50% of school until 20, and now I could managed to go to school everyday. Now I am studying last year double major in Psychology and Thanatology, (Thanatology is a study about death.) Both are heavy to me to be honest, and most of the topics that I studied triggered my emotions a lot. Many people in my life challenged me that I would not be able to finish my degree, because they are just too heavy for me, but lucky I am a STUBBORN person haha. I would not give up that easily and I wanted to show others that, even I have been through a lot, I can still achieved something in my life! I can complete so much stuff right now, being in a new country alone, I study and work at the same time, being a chef assistant and emotional support coordinator intern. I will try my best to apply for Canadian citizenship but I hope I can assist people who has mental illness and disabilities the rest of my life.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, today is a gift, that’s why it calls present.” I am sure many people heard about it and this means a lot to me. Worrying about the past and future is not working. Doing meditation may help you to focus on present, right now, on earth. Feel you feet stand on the ground heavily, you are still here. You are here and alive, you are the precious gift in this world. Mental illness does not mean you have dumb, useless, evil, trash in your life, It gives you a better story, a brighter future than other peoples do. I do not mind help others more with their problems, since my experience gave me so much empathy that I am easily stand on other people’s shoes and I wish everyone who is dealing with illness like ME be happy and I am in the same boat and with you all!

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Around the age of 12 I started having a difficult time controlling my overwhelming emotions and racing thoughts. I started constantly being admitted to hospitals, I lived in an endless cycle of depression, mania, and the brief intervals of feeling okay.

In my second year of college, I experienced my most intense episode of psychosis, I missed out on the semester and my mental health was at its worst. Once I began to recover from this, I decided I no longer wanted to live this way, as a slave to my ever-changing and destructive moods and states of mind.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I’ve seen a therapist since the age of 12, but the constant hospital visits caused my treatment team to be inconsistent. The therapy helped a bit, but it didn’t make a true difference until I consciously decided to allow it to help me.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Once I decided I wanted to change, I let go of all the negative people in my life, which helped so much. I was able to get back in school, the medication they prescribed me was the first one I’ve tried that actually helped calm my racing thoughts, ease my anxiety and minimize my depression.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is great! I plan on getting my Associate’s Degree this year, then transferring to a four year college. I have a couple of self-published poetry books, my relationship with my family is a lot stronger and my relationship with myself is better than I could have ever imagined,

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

To anybody having a hard time. I would say, a difficult time isn’t the last destination, and you are never alone. Reach out and you’ll find there’s people who care and want you to be okay. It does get better, and don’t allow anyone or anything to dim your shine.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I was born with health issues and colic because I was extra sensitive to sound, light, etc, so my mother did her best to maintain routine for me to keep me calm. Experiencing significant trauma in early childhood, however, triggered me to become more hyper-vigilant. I was always preparing for the worst and I feared most males and I worried about losing those I trusted.

I started to feel the effects of my mental illness when I was a freshman in high school. I had high expectations I made for myself academically as well as my involvement in my extracurricular activities. Part of me loved to be busy with dance competition, musical rehearsals, after school club meetings, studying etc. because it kept me on track and it masked many of my compulsions. Unfortunately, I pushed myself so hard that my expectations became unattainable. I crashed and began drowning in depression. When I was stressed or overwhelmed with too much emotion, I self-injured to secretly maintain my pain. The constant phrase of “I want to die” turned into “you deserve to die” on repeat in my brain and I didn’t know how to shut it off. I questioned if anyone else was experiencing the same thing as I was or “was I just crazy?” Instead of cutting to hide the pain, it became cutting to bring me back to reality. This self-injurious behavior stopped working and before I knew it, I attempted suicide various ways and landed myself in the hospital a few times.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I would occasionally visit the school psychologist to seek support during emotional times, but I was referred to a private practicing therapist in my junior year of high school. After seventeen years of trying to present myself as a “perfectly fine” and “never angry” child, I couldn’t believe I was sitting in a therapist’s office expected to talk about my feelings. Once I got over the shame of being there, I eventually opened up about some of the demons inside my mind. I believe it’s helped me because I can finally grant myself permission to release the burdens troubling my mind (and today I believe it!). My therapist also reinforced how I don’t always have to be happy and reminded me the specific tasks I was doing to keep grounded, was self-destructive.

In my senior year of high school, I hit another major low. After being hospitalized for the second time, I was sent to a three month partial hospital where I had to participate in intensive daily group talk therapy, art, music, etc. to help me become stable again. This type of hospital was helpful because I was working with people in my age group, so we all could connect about the current struggles we were facing. While I was in the hospital, I had to come to terms that I could not go to college until I was managing my illness well enough to attend. It was heartbreaking for me because I was accepted into my dream school with an amazing merit scholarship and I had to turn it down. I was baffled by how fast my life changed because of this illness, but today I am grateful for this experience and what my life now has become.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

It took over a year to track my moods and tendencies for my therapist and prescriber to finally diagnose me with a primary diagnosis of bipolar disorder (or as some people say “bipolar depression” or “manic depression”). In the beginning, I was in denial because this illness has a bad reputation, but I’ve learned more about my illness and now I feel more empowered to share my story. The biggest turning point for me was after another hospitalization when I was nineteen. The clinician who worked with me felt I needed to go for another type of treatment for my Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD). She referred me to another therapist who specializes in a process called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) which helps individuals cope with significant repeated trauma. When I started doing the work, it pulled so many unresolved traumatic memories out of my brain that I kept in the back of my head to protect myself. I had no idea how significant it was to work on these experiences because every tendency or connection I had with people was because of specific events I went through in my early childhood. It was (and still is) tough work and I have to take it one day at a time.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Today, I am in more control over my mental health. I am not perfect, but I definitely feel much stronger than I was about six years ago. Instead of filling my workload to the max and moving to New York to attend school, I take a couple of courses each semester at my local community college and I moved into my own place nearby. It is one of the healthiest and scariest decisions I needed to make, but it has significantly changed my life. I have not self-injured in almost two years now and have been surviving the extremes of my illness. I also am currently working a full time position in the mental health field and LOVING IT! I have the opportunity to work with young adults facing the same challenges I’ve experienced and focus on their recovery, so they too can live successful and healthy lives. I plan to continue working in the mental health field and obtain a degree in psychology. I thank God every day for the second, third, and many more chances that turned my life around into a more positive light. Now, I want to wake up and live every day to the fullest.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

For those of you having a tough time, I encourage you to reach out and talk to someone (especially a professional). I know it is hard to think about, but people do care! We have so many resources and hotlines to call now, so please dial 2-1-1 and talk to them. I didn’t realize when I was a teen there were so many individuals struggling with the same problems I was, but now I know and I have supports that’ve helped me. I also learned not all therapists and medication are a correct match the first time, so be patient and speak up! You are not alone in this fight!

How did it all start? When did you first start experiencing symptoms or using?

My earliest memory of depression occurred in preschool. I can remember bursting into tears for no reason. I had no idea what was wrong, I just wanted to cry. I did not enjoy interacting with other kids like most children do and so I had very few friends. This continued throughout elementary school. Things worsened when puberty struck me at a very early age. I would sit in the dark in my room for hours, sometimes crying, sometimes angry. I wanted to be left alone. My family gave me my space most of the time and I learned how to hide my emotions from the world. I got so good at it that by the time I went off to college, I was an expert at putting on a good front. Even though I was an academically accomplished student, college was not the good time I had heard it would be. I was lonely, homesick, tired, and depressed all the time. I know now that it was because I was laboring under a heavy burden of depression. The dark cloud that followed me turned into a hurricane. In my final semester of college, it became too much for me to bear and the long-standing thoughts of suicide turned into a definitive plan. In a last ditch effort, I reached out to a school counselor who insisted I check myself into the hospital. I did not want to but I was too tired to argue. I spent two weeks in a psychiatric wing. It gave me a chance to rest but not much else. My school sent me home for a little while where I attempted suicide two times. I eventually started seeing a therapist who put me on medication.

What kind of help did you get at first? Did it work?

Therapy (and eventually AA), have helped me get to this point. The people I have met in recovery have also been a great source of support as is my family. I am blessed to have them all in my life. While there was a time that I did not have them, I understand my part in that and I take responsibility for it.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

After eight years(!) with a therapist and little progress, I decided I needed someone else to help me. I found someone who specialized in dual diagnosis and the work I did with her led to my sobriety and finally managing my depression. I completed three rounds of DBT therapy which also changed my whole life.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Although I might not be where I thought I would be at this age, I am happy with the way my life is going. I have a great job, better relationships with family members, and I am stable in my recovery from alcoholism and Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). I have wonderful friends who help me when I am down and I have learned the importance of being happy with who I am. The future looks brighter than ever!

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

One big piece of advice I would give is to not be afraid to reach out for help. Find someone you trust and you know has your best interest at heart. It may feel like an invasion of your privacy but it will be worth it in the end. It may take a while and more than one person, but remember that your life is precious and you deserve happiness!

How did it all start? When did you first start experiencing symptoms or using?

The first time I chose to starve myself, I was thirteen years old. Since then, my life plummeted into a downward spiral of anorexia, depression, anxiety, and self harm.

What kind of help did you get at first? Did it work?

At first, I saw one therapist a week, but it clearly wasn’t enough. I’ve been to an IOP program and as of now, I see two individual therapists, one group therapist, and one family therapist.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I guess when I was sent to IOP [Intensive Outpatient Program] the experience as a whole opened my eyes up to how bad my disorders had gotten.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Today, I still suffer from the illnesses listed above, though I am on the road to recovery. I’m an aspiring author and I just finished my first official manuscript, Inside Her Plastic Skin. I’m currently in the process of getting it published.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Reach out to those around you; you cannot fight these battles alone. Also, stay positive and remember — it WILL get better.

How did it all start? When did you first start experiencing symptoms or using?

I’ve been depressed as far back as I can remember. The first time I contemplated suicide I was only 11 years old. That was a clear red flag that I needed help but I kept quiet about it. When I was 13, I was appointed to a therapist because a teacher saw cuts on my wrists.

What kind of help did you get at first? Did it work?

The first therapist I saw was very unhelpful but it wasn’t her fault. I didn’t want to be there so I refused to reveal any relevant information or talk about anything of importance. Instead I would mostly complain about school or just sit in silence until she asked me about the cutting. I would reply with a vague answer and then quickly change the subject. It took me years to finally realize if I wanted to feel better, then I needed help – and most importantly, I needed to be completely honest. Only then did therapy finally begin to work.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

When I was 18, I had a severe panic attack and my friend called an ambulance. I was hostile to the EMTs and snapped at the doctor in the E.R. At the time, I wasn’t seeing a therapist so after that incident my mom tried to find me one. She spoke with one physician who didn’t take our insurance but my mom explained the situation to her and the physician said that based on what my mother had told her it was absolutely imperative I seek help right away.
The new therapist diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, because he was only exposed to me during my depressive states. After some time, I would begin to feel better and thought I no longer needed therapy. Then, after a few months, I would become depressed again and call him for another appointment. I now understand that this is because I have extreme mood swings as a result of being bipolar.
After finally receiving the right diagnosis at 20, things began to look up because I finally had a reason for the way I behaved that my previous diagnosis did not explain. The treatment and therapy I received from that point on was much more effective because my doctors and counselors knew what they were dealing with.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Living with this disorder today is still a struggle but I now know how to cope with my problems thanks to many types of therapy. My moods have stabilized with the help of being on the right medication.

I still see a therapist weekly to maintain relative stability in all aspects of my life; I also see a counselor at a recovery center to help keep me doing well in college. The college is also informed of my disability and offers me several accommodations regarding my schoolwork.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier?

If you are having a tough time, always seek help from friends, family or a professional. No matter how dismal any experience, I believe that there is a kind of therapy/solution for everyone, you just have to be patient and advocate for yourself. Most importantly, be honest!

How did it all start? When did you first start experiencing symptoms or using?

I think it was probably around 7th grade. I was just really tired all the time; I would cry a lot, that’s when I started cutting myself, like self-injury. I had a hard time really regulating my emotions, I felt really alone. I was depressed, really.

What kind of help did you get at first? Did it work?

I know it took me a couple months before I told anybody how I was feeling. Beginning of 7th grade I started feeling like that, and then it took me about a year to get into actual therapy, besides a school counselor. And then after that I had a therapist in 8th grade at the community center. I remember seeing a school counselor in 8th grade, and when I confided in her that I was self-harming, she immediately told my parents. At the time it felt like a betrayal of trust. I just remember that created a lot of turmoil at home. That was one of my first experiences with help. It was just a bad experience.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I was hospitalized twice sophomore year. This was where my story turns around. It sucks that it took that long for me to finally feel better, but I appreciate my struggle at this point. I went to the hospital and I was there for like 2 weeks, which is pretty long because the hospital sucks, but it was so necessary. It was the most necessary thing I’ve ever done. And my parents, when I was about to be discharged, they told me “we don’t want you home. It’s not safe for you to be at home right now. We’re very angry with you and we’re sure you’re very angry with us.” It was just a very, very bad relationship, nothing was really working. So they sent me to a group home. I was there from June 2012 to January 2013. Being there really saved my life.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I’ve been home for a year now. Half of my struggle is my behavior and my thought processes, but the chemical piece is fixed.

Yeah, I get sad, and yeah my sads are more extreme than some people’s, but I don’t get to where I want to kill myself when something bad happens. I’ve rebuilt my relationship with my parents, and I’m applying for colleges and I got into six. My life is completely turned around.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier?

You need to talk. You need to take the first step and be courageous enough to ask for help, because that is the most courageous thing you can do and it’s the best thing you can do for yourself. Talk about how you’re feeling and ask to see someone. Ask to go on medication, if that’s what you want, and ask to go to group therapy, if that’s what you want. People just want to pretend that they feel fine and maybe it’ll go away, but it won’t. It will just bubble up at inconvenient times.

How did it all start? When did you first start experiencing symptoms or using?

While my childhood was for the most part fine, it was not until I entered middle school when the real trauma began. Aside from the bullying I endured (which included a homeroom teacher), trouble in my family escalated. This led me down to a deep depression; my anxiety spun out of control. They both lasted for years, throughout my high school career up until my start at college. Even now I still feel the effects and I was 13 when it began.

What kind of help did you get at first? Did it work?

I always received help since I can remember, mostly due to my Asperger’s. In regard to my depression and anxiety, I primarily saw the school social worker. For middle school it did no help at all (it actually caused more problems). High school was different though. She was very helpful.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

In regard to a turning point in my life, I would have to say they all happened during my time so far at college because since 8th grade, I have always thought things would get better once I get into college. For example, during my first semester at my local community college in 2012 I was accepted for a job at the admissions office and still work there, lost 21 pounds, made close friendships and more.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Overall I would say my life at this moment is going well. I’m currently transitioning myself from living with a parent to obtaining my own apartment though. A little stressful but I am going to try and worry too much.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier?

I am aware how being in a tough time makes you believe nothing will get better. It does, however, the person who is having a tough time needs to take some initiative to help them move in the right direction such as seeking a school counselor.

How did it all start? When did you first start experiencing symptoms or using?

I had bullying issues that started in 3rd grade. When I entered 6th grade it really got bad. At the end of 6th grade I became very suicidal.

What kind of help did you get at first? Did it work?

At the end of 6th grade I became very suicidal, got scared, and told someone. I was in therapy for the summer and that was the end of it. It got a little better but mostly I stopped talking about how I was feeling. Things stayed the same till the end of high school, when I started getting what I called mood swings.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I consider certain parts of my life important. One is 6th grade, and another is 8th grade, I learned more lessons than I could count. I started college and was blessed enough to have a RA who knew something was wrong. She tried so hard to get me to go to therapy. I refused but when I realized the next year that I needed help, I already knew where to go.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I am doing great now. After getting fired from my last job in 2012, I am finally working again. I have regained the ability to dream. I now believe that I can do anything, that my dreams are possible. It has taken years. It took years of trying, “failing,” then trying again and feeling like I’m getting nowhere.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier?

No matter how many times you fall, keep getting back up and do the work because recovery happens when the things that you have heard and keep trying to do finally click. Nobody knows how long that will take. But most importantly, I would tell someone that they are ok, that there is nothing wrong with them. They are still a person, just like everyone else. And that you are not alone, and things really can get better even though for most of the journey recovery will seem like an impossible dream.

How did it all start? When did you first start experiencing symptoms or using?

I was 15, beginning my sophomore year of high school. I woke my mom up in the middle of the night and told her that sometimes I thought about suicide. After that, I started seeing a therapist for the first time. I was dealing largely with anxiety with a side of depression.

What kind of help did you get at first? Did it work?

When I first got help, I started seeing a therapist. She and my parents worked with the school counseling department to figure out what would be best for me. It was very helpful for me and I slowly improved over the course of my sophomore year. By the time junior year came around I only saw my therapist every couple of months to check in.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

My senior year started and the pressure of college applications and other expectations sent me back into a downward spiral. This time around I was dealing with much heavier depression than I had before. I started seeing my therapist regularly about a month or so into my senior year, and at the end of November I began seeing a psychiatrist who prescribed me antidepressants. This, however, was ineffective, and I was hospitalized on New Year’s Eve. I stayed in the hospital for 11 days, where they changed my medications and recommended a new type of therapy: DBT. DBT has really helped me to learn a lot of coping strategies and preventative techniques that help me stay happy and healthy.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I just finished a gap year between high school and college. That time allowed me to learn a lot about myself and the type of person I am. I feel unbelievably more prepared to go to college than I was a year ago. Obviously, life still has its ups and downs, but I am in a much better place than I was my senior year of high school, and I look forward to the rest of my life. I even just came off one of my medications and I still feel good.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier?

As cheesy as it is, I believe that there is a fire inside of everyone that keeps you going from one moment to another. If you are alive, then so is your flame. Whether you need to build a wall around it to keep the wind out, or pluck it up and carry it somewhere else, there is a way to grow your flame. The first bit is always the hardest, but once you get some momentum going it becomes a lot easier. Find your flame and help it grow into a bonfire, and at least protect it from dying out. The long and short of it is, it may be bad right now, but no matter how hard it is there is always a way to make it better, so don’t give up.