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Serena’s Journey to Self Love

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

In high school, I struggled with body-image issues and restrictive eating habits. I was a Varsity Track Athlete and ran 6-7 times a week. I struggled with my self-worth because I thought I had to obtain an extremely thin frame in order to be liked more. I reached my lowest point around the time I turned 15 and was a size 00. At the time, I celebrated this, but my health quickly started deteriorating. For the rest of high school, I was able to put back on some more weight, but always worked myself too hard and didn’t eat enough. I struggled with whether I would ever feel ‘good enough’ and was scared of getting heavier.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

When my family noticed I was starting to pass out more and more, they became very concerned. My mom encouraged me to see food as fuel, and to try to avoid counting calories or trying fad diets. I could tell she was worried, and at first I did try to take better care of myself. However, I struggled with making healthy decisions, because I felt like I got positive attention from my peers when I looked skinnier. It took me until I got to college to stop tracking everything I ate, and to see exercise as a fun stress reliever rather than a daily chore.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Freshman year of college, I tried so hard to stay in the same shape as I was in high school. I quickly learned that in order to do so, my life would have to revolve around meal prep and spending hours in the gym each day. By the end of that first year, I decided that enough was enough. Over time, I thought about how much happier I would be if I loved my body for how it is, and stopped punishing myself for not being thin enough. Things changed for the better once I made the decision to love myself and treat my body with more respect. What also helped were the more positive friendships I made while at school. Getting involved in different clubs and extra-curriculars, I began to see that I am liked for my character and personality…not for how much I weigh.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Today, there are still some moments where I find myself having negative thoughts about my body and worth. However, I know that self-love is something that can always be worked and improved upon, and I am so proud of how far I’ve come. I still love to eat healthy foods and go running/to the gym. The difference is that I now do this to feel good, rather than to try to constantly change my body. I no longer step on a scale or get discouraged when last year’s jeans won’t fit. I know that I matter, and what’s on the outside won’t change that. My goal is to lead a happy and fulfilling life, while getting the opportunity to make a positive impact on those around me.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

For those who may be struggling with a similar issue, know that it takes time. I didn’t wake up one day and automatically love myself. Over time, I realized my worth, and kept reminding myself of why my past habits were negatively affecting the way I get to enjoy my life. Challenge yourself every day to break harmful habits, even if you have to take baby steps. Seek support from family or friends you trust, and seek environments in which you feel comfortable and accepted.

CH’s Story of Persevering Despite Depression and Bullying, Age: 19

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Depression along with self image issues, It started when I turned 11 but it became very hard during 6th grade when I had turned 13yr old and had to deal with daily bullying.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I got guidance counseling that was available in school at first and only really had that for the longest time. Only having one pillar that I had to lean on that would constantly fail me lead to develop bad trust issues.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

When I got out of that toxic environment, When I finally got a proper therapist, and psychiatrist, and also got on medication that would all come together to make me feel better.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Although my life isn’t exactly how I’d picture it being during this time of my life, I’m in a much better place than I was seven years ago. I graduated High School and I’m starting college.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I would’ve seeked help sooner, proper help. It took until I was already having regular breakdowns to see my first therapist and due to my parents concerns, five years before they’d even consider getting me medication. Don’t be afraid to help yourself.

Luna’s Message of Hope After Attempting Suicide, Age: 16

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with depression, social anxiety, self harm, suicidal idealization, emotional physical abuse, bullying, teen dating violence, and anorexia. It became too much when I turned 15. I was self harming, practicing unhealthy eating habits and and my current girlfriend was emotionally abusing me.(yes I am lesbian)I decided to give up. I attempted suicide. I was brought to the local ER. I was able to go home that night. The next day me and my mom got into a fight and she was very angry and said “I will throw you out of this car” and I stupidly said “do it”. That night I got taken to the ER again but that time i was there for 3 days in the crisis unit and was placed in an inpatient mental hospital. In there I attempted to kill myself again. Luckily the staff stopped it before I lost a lot of blood. A year later I am still recovering. I am 1 1/2 months clean.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

At first it was an intensive outpatient. It didn’t work.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

About 2 months ago. I changed therapists, I moved to DBT therapy which is working.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is currently really well. I have made so much progress I still have anxiety attacks and my depressed days. But I am clean.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

What I would say to someone struggling is it gets better. It will always get better. Nothing anyone says or does to you defines you. It is not worth your life. Your life is worth way more than you will ever know, And hurting yourself will also hurt others. People do care about you.

Nahjeera’s Journey with Depression, Anxiety and Self-Harm

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I struggled with depression, anxiety, and self harm growing up. I can honestly say that I am so much better and I am in a better place than where I was before. I’m still struggling with anxiety but not as much as I was.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

At first I didn’t really get any support or help with dealing with all of it. My friends didn’t know or notice something was wrong and I wasn’t doing well, my family didn’t really notice. I just felt really alone and didn’t know whats to do.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

The turning points of my life were being a part of the musical at my school and being a part of the SMART Recovery group. These turning points really helped me because when I joined the play, I met a lot of new friends and one of my friends noticed that I was struggling and she was always there for me to open up to her and other people more and she was always there for me to talk to during and even after school. The SMART Recovery group gave me a place to come to learn how to deal with everything and and gave me a really good support and I learned how to cope with everything. I’m so glad that i heard about this in school and met one of the facilitators.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life now is so much better. I am so comfortable to talk to more and more people, I can make friends easily now, and I haven’t thought about self harming in so long. Now I’m helping other people at my school who are struggling and just checking in on them.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I would say if you are struggling, find that one person that you can talk to and tell anything to and open up to them and have a deep conversation about what you are dealing with. It feels like a weight is lifted off of your shoulders once you have shared and talked about your feelings as cheesy as that may sound lol.

A Furret: Living With Social Anxiety

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I struggled with social anxiety, depression, and self harm (for a short time). Most of my struggles starts in school. I’m an average person in people’s eyes, but I struggle to make myself believe I am. I have very low self-esteem which makes concentration hard and even harder to answer the simple “Are you Alright?” or “Are you okay?” questions. It’s like 2 different sides, one is me on the outside saying “I’m fine”, the other is crying and dying on the inside trying to find a way to escape

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I have support from my *very* small group of friends. But it isn’t easy to get support when no one really has the time to actually talk. My only other person I can talk to for support is my boyfriend, but it’s kinda hard when he is around 700 miles away.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

When I really had enough I went to get help from my friends. I also went to SMART Recovery groups to be with people who have similar issues and it finally feels like I’m not the only one

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Get the help you really need! There is someone who will listen and always someone who will care.

Jason’s Story of Strength

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I struggled with being bullied, not just being called names, but being hit for no reason off of the football field.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I didn’t have any support, I pretty much became a coward freshman year.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I started to lift, and took the stress and anger on the weights. I continue to lift as a passion since that day, a year and a half difference made people want to talk to me.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is pretty simple. Occasional sparks will fly, but because of what I was put through, and what I did, whether creating a me nobody wants to be around when someone hurts others or when I like to strike a smile on someone’s face, my life has become a whole lot better.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

The people who are being bullied, listen. If they’re calling you names, let them. They’re only doing it because they see something in you they fear. Trust me. If I had known that, I wouldn’t be as challenging as I am today. I think I cause more fights just because of how my physical ability is now. The bullies can’t take you on if you’re smarter, stronger, or faster than them.
Oh, and make sure you have a friend there. If things get bad, they’ll back you up.

Carl’s Story of Asking for Help

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Ever since I was a five years old I always struggled with communicating with people and performing basic tasks. whether it was in school or out in the community I always had trouble fitting in. My peers did not want to be around me and a majority of them bullied me to the point where I would not want to go to school or even leave the house.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I never had any support growing up. I struggled for years without asking for any help. I was convinced to believe that everything happening to me was my fault. When I was thirteen I was always thinking about harming myself and could never sleep at night. I was always feeling sick to my stomach which I believe had to do with how I was feeling emotionally. Eventually when I turned nineteen I was able to find support in my area. The place was called BHcare. They had therapists and case managers who assist people struggling with mental illness. I never opened up to anyone throughout my childhood and teen hood. because I never trusted anybody. But as I started opening up to my therapist I started feeling better I felt like I found someone who won’t judge me or bully me.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

After about a year I found a job that I loved, I built good healthy relationships and started going to college. I felt as though I can be myself and not worry about what everyone else thinks of me.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Now four years later I graduated Recovery University and have a job at Advocacy Unlimited Inc and live on my own.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

My message to everyone is don’t be afraid to ask for help when you are struggling. There is help everywhere you just need to look for it.

Takyia’s Story of Surviving Childhood Abuse

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Depression, self esteem, abuse and bullying. Being in 6th grade was the first time that I thought about hurting myself. When I was in the 6th grade I was bullied on my clothes, how tall I was, how I dressed and anything else u could think about. Although I was getting bullied in the 6th grade I was also getting bullied in the 5,6, and 7th grade, but in the 5th grade I got hit by this one girl because she didn’t like me.

When I was thinking about committing suicide it was not only because I was getting bullied, but I was also being abused by my father. He would give my sister a black eye, slap me into the wall and beat us until we had marks on our skin. When I had the thought of attempting suicide I didn’t act on my thoughts.

Here comes 7th grade, still getting bullied, I got tired of it and tried to fit in with people. I tried to fit in with them and what they were doing by stealing from my family. When I was in the 7th grade I had very low self-esteem and one day somebody was making me feel so good and made it seem like he wanted me. I did everything he asked me to do so that I could please him so that he could continue to make me feel good. However, he only wanted one thing and he took that thing away from me, then left me. I was 13 and he was 18. He took my innocence away from me which led me into a depression. I started to act different. I started to come in the house late, lie and tell them I’m going somewhere else. One day when I came in late, my mom was so upset that she had beat on me and made me try to attempt suicide again and that time I acted on it by cutting my arm. Had to go to the hospital and have them keep an eye on me to see if I was danger to myself or anyone else until they let me go home. At that time I was living with one of my aunts that was also abusing me, but she did not physically abuse me. The things she said to us, the way she treated us, acting like we were her slaves because we were homeless.  After that experience happened I had moved with my other aunt and I had done things that made her not want to raise kids anymore because all of hers were grown, so I went to live back with my dad. When I was with my dad I started to have flashbacks of how he treated me and one day I tried again to attempt suicide.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

When I was in 6th grade I was said enough is enough. I finally came out to my school counselor that I wanted to kill myself and it was then that I received help. I received treatment at Kempsville Center for Behavioral Health and yes, it worked.  I took some pills that were for depression and same thing happened again so after that they sent me to Kempsville for behavior health and I had to stay at Kemsville. The first 2 stays were only a week which didn’t help, but the last time I attempted suicide on December 12, I had overdosed to the point where I passed out. I was going in and out of consciousness, then rushed to the emergency room where had to get my stomach pumped because I took so many pills. My plan was to die, so why didn’t I? I didn’t die because I had one chance to give it to the Lord and I got one more chance to get the help that I needed. So I went back to Kempsville and stayed 10 months. That was the optimal 10 months of my life because I stared to know that my life mattered. If I would have died, I would left behind loved ones, friends, and also I wouldn’t be able to tell my story.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time?

My vision was to overcome depression, suicidal thoughts and attempts.  Yes, there are going to be days that are harder than the other. You are going to feel like giving up, but I’m writing this to tell you that I didn’t give up. I’m still fighting depression and low self-esteem, but I know that I am going to be someone in life that people look up to and say, “I want to be like her.” That’s why I didn’t give up. I had so much ahead of me and when I get there I’m going to look back and say I made it and I overcame a lot in my young life. I just had to tell you guys my vision because my vision came true and yours can too, just believe in it and never give up…….

Warm regards,
TAKYIA

Cleo’s Story on Being Bullied

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I wasn’t a very loud person; I was shy until you got to know me. Back in middle school, about 6th grade, I was bullied . It was bad. Nobody wanted to sit by me, or talk to me, I wanted friends. Plus, with all the things I had going on outside of school I wanted to know people and be social. I was the new kid and I had no idea why they hated me so much. I’d get called names everyday, I had things thrown at me, there was even a time where these three girls tried to fight me in the bathroom. I used to use school as a getaway place, it made me feel sane being at school because I didn’t like home. When the bullying started happening I wasn’t sane anymore, I was scared to go to school. There were days when I wouldn’t even go to school. I would just hang out at the city park or something until school got out so my mom would think I went to school.

Things slowly turned as my middle school years went by. I ended up making friends. We hung out all the time but I noticed after a little while that they only hung out with me because I had money, they would bribe me into buying alcohol every weekend. I knew after a while that I was hanging with the wrong crowd because those decisions I made got me into trouble. One night I was drunk and I was with that group of friends. We were at a party and I was barely walking at this point because they kept telling me to take drinks; it was peer pressure. I fell asleep in one of the rooms and they took pictures of me and sent it to everybody. They were calling me harsh names, took my money and my phone and left me at that house. I was abandoned. I stopped hanging out with them. After that night I knew nobody would want to be my friend so I stopped trying to talk to everybody.

My 8th grade year I finally made some real friends; friends that I am actually really close with today. They were and still are supportive of me. My high school years were pretty much the same. I drank to numb myself from pain and I smoked a lot of weed to the point to where I didn’t even get as high as I used to. I had even more problems at home, I lived with drunks and I’m still living with them. They fight every night and I see negative things I don’t want to see. I get into fights with my legal guardian. I really dislike it at that house, it doesn’t even feel like a home. I get accused of a lot of things.

I was diagnosed with depression my sophomore year. I had to take-anti depressants which I didn’t really like taking because they made me feel ugly. But I knew I had to for my own well being. They didn’t help at all and I was still the same person I was before I had gotten the prescription. I was still distracted from school work from my thoughts that wouldn’t stop bothering me. My junior year I met a girl. She made me happy for the time being. I guess it was the comfort I really needed and she gave me a lot of that. I was staying with her for a long time, her family made me feel wanted; I really liked it there. Everybody was supportive of us two for being “gay” (I got bullied for that too my 8th and freshman year). When we broke up six months ago I took it pretty hard. I was back to doing the same things I used to.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I didn’t really reach out to anybody for a long time. I had gotten over the break up, and that is one thing I enjoyed. It wasn’t really healthy for me to be feeling sad for something I can always find elsewhere. But that doesn’t mean I’m happy with life. I always kept things to myself that is why I felt so lonely. I had that feeling that if I tried then I’d be bothering people with my depressing problems I have going on in my life. People were willing to help but I still felt that way. I hid my emotions so much; I always put on an act everyday like I was the jolliest person in the world. .

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Yes, a little bit. Three months ago I was on this website and I met this lady friend. We talked and we clicked right away. We talked all day and all night. Everyday. She was going through the same things I did. I looked forward to going home for a change because I only wanted to talk to her. She is the one person who brought me out of my sad shell. I was able to tell her what I was feeling and not worry about bothering her. She just makes me feel sane even though she lives 24 hours away from me. I can tell her anything, we share our stories. I think that made the sadness go away a bit, I know I shouldn’t be counting on other people to try make me happy, I’m trying on my own too, but she promised me she would help me get through this. It does lift a little bit of weight off of my shoulders (:

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is still the same, I get panic attacks a lot more, but at the same time it has gotten better with the help I have. There are things that have worsened it. I am trying to get there; it may take a while but I do believe in myself. I’m working on myself as best as I can. Focusing on the positive.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I would tell them, keep trying. Your not alone in this, there’s always going to be people who be willing to help. Be brave, speak up it will really help you in the long run; as bad as it seems now it will all be OK. It will take some time but I believe anyone can get through this. This is going to be you getting through this as best as you know how, nobody gets to tell you what your tough looks like.

Aubry B – Growing Up Without Parental Support

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Aubry B. It almost feels like I was destined to struggle, like someone just gave me this life on purpose to watch me fail. I wasn’t brought up in a very loving or supportive environment and ever since I was younger I have bounced around from school to school, family member to family member, foster home to foster home, and finally I was brought to an young adult inpatient treatment facility. Almost any thing you could think of I have dealt with, suicidal thoughts, sexual and physical abuse, grief, emotional and verbal abuse, abandonment , being bullied, self-injurious behaviors, being mistreated in hospitals and I was diagnosed with Borderline, PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Finally at the beginning of my young adult life I decided I was no longer a victim but a survivor , a warrior, and a voice to those who needed help., I got sick and tired of leaving scars on my body and I got sick of being “sick” and finally I decided to do something about how I felt. Of course life threw more curve balls, but I threw them back twice as hard and knocked down all of the mountains in my way, or I guess you could say I learned to walk around them.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

People telling me No was the biggest challenge I faced, but in the end it taught me how to go after something if I really wanted it, there are going to be people to support me but they can not the people who put in the work, this is my life and easel to paint on, they’ve given me the brush now it’s up to me to paint a beautiful creation. Telling me no saved my life, no I can’t help you Aubry was the most amazing advice I could take. Also the young adult treatment center lead me to a very unique individual who has been guiding me for 7 years! She is my human journal and my mentor she has acted as a mother, friend, sister, guardian, e.t.c It is always a blessing to have someone to help you and say hey I am proud of you even if it’s just one person, but you have to let them in and you have to accept advice

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I now work as an advocate in Hartford, CT, I am currently training with AU to pursue my advocating I also volunteer at many non profit and mental health and addiction agencies. I am going to be training to teach a class for super advocates! I have done many speeches and one was actually at my old youth treatment center!!! In 2o13 unfortunately my father committed suicide and for the very first time I am speaking publicly about my experience and I am ever so thankful for the support I have through all of these organizations !! Life gets better even when it feels like a rug was pulled from under your feet you can still crawl to your dreams and in life there is a lesson in every aspect of pain, it is the eyes of the beholder !!

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is great, it is perfectly imperfect and I am for the most part where I want to be!! Hope, passion, and helping others are key to making it through the tough times!! surround yourself with positive vibes, even people you can go to when your feeling down!! meditate, breathe, write, paint, draw, dance, exercise, sing, act, DREAM!!

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

There is help and even if you are emotionally overwhelmed it is up to you to grab hold of your resources and find a way!! Never give up you are always stronger than your pain!! you would not be human if it hurt so bad when someone has passed away, and you would not be human if you felt stressed, alone, angry, e.t.c Do not give up …ever and even when you feel like giving tell someone you trust!!! Find someone who will listen when you need an ear, find someone who will speak when you need advice, and find someone to relate too when you feel alone!!

Finding Self-Esteem by A.E.P.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I was a painfully shy child. I was afraid of everything. My grandparents, whom I saw every weekend, slowly got me out of my shell and encouraged me to try many new things. My grandma’s rule with new food was “two bites” and then you can decide if you never want to eat it again. I can remember being afraid that my grandpa was going to drive off the dam when we were taking a boat ride on the lake which they lived at.

Everything really got bad my freshman year. I couldn’t find friends. The most memorable thing that set me into a downwards spiral was when I asked to sit with some of my friends the first day at lunch. There were literally 4 chairs open and they said I could not sit with them. Apparently there was no room. Just like in Mean Girls, I was rejected from the lunch table. I started skipping lunch and going to the band room. Then food became uninteresting. I lost a lot of weight my freshman year. Too much. People started noticing and telling me I looked great, but I didn’t feel great. I felt exhausted. My parents were getting mad at me for hiding in my room and skipping dinner at times. I lied to them about eating. I realized I had a problem, so naturally, I tried to fix it. I started going to lunch. I was crying one day, sitting at a lunch table by myself, and one of the seniors noticed and told me I could sit at her table. They were all music geeks like me, I figured I could relate. That’s the worst things ever got for me, besides last year, my junior year when everything started piling up. The stress was eating me alive and people were noticing. I do a lot. My junior year consisted of: band, jazz band gigs, multiple honors bands, basketball, volleyball, National Honor Society, Straight A’s, and a loaded class schedule. I’m sure I’m forgetting something, but you get the gist. I was freaking out and crying almost on a daily basis with everything. I started isolating myself.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

During my junior year was when people really started to reach out to me. One day I was crying and the school psychologist saw me. That was an “oh crap” moment. He proceeded to check in with me throughout the year. He told me one day that I work harder than any college student, and that I should be careful because he didn’t want me to burn out. Everything was just out of control a lot, and he kept “suggesting” or hinting that I could talk to him anytime I wanted, but I was afraid to. I don’t know why, I just couldn’t. Then this year, I finally decided to talk to him because I was having some troubles adjusting at the beginning of the year and wanted someone to listen, since my mom basically rejected listening to me. My dad lives far away and I found myself missing him a lot, since it’d been about 4 months since I had seen him. I talked to him and it wasn’t bad at all. It honestly helped so much. Sometimes you just need that one person to listen and tell you they care about how you feel and that, yes, it is hard, and yes, you can get through it.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I’m not so sure if there’s been any turning points yet because I still have my days and weeks where it seems a bit hopeless. But, despite those days and weeks, I still manage to get through it and do what I’m supposed to be doing.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Now, I’m trying to keep the motivation to make it through my senior year. It’s hard, but I’m getting there. I want to be a music teacher, so I’m stressed out with preparing for scholarship auditions by taking private clarinet and piano lessons on top of regular band and practicing solos, basketball, grades, and choosing between colleges. I’ve accomplished a lot musically, just recently I received a scholarship to pay for my music lessons in full.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

To people who are struggling: Please remember that you are better than you think, more loved than you think, and are so incredibly important.

What’s helped me?: I wish I would have reached out to talk to someone earlier. It seriously would have been so much more manageable my freshman year had I talked to someone about my struggles.

Winx Y.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

A brief background about myself, I am from Hong Kong, and now I am living alone in Canada. Everything began since April 2004, I was diagnosed with Depression and General Anxiety Disorder, those were the darkest days in my life. I still did not believe that I can deal with it until now. I was from a culture which is competitive. People judge and compare each other. Bully the worse and be the best. I was one of the person who got bulled since I was 10, because my marks were on 60-70s. People laughed at me and pushed me into the corner to hit me. I was so stressed and under pressure. After bad days in my school, when I came home I had to face another stress from my parents. I could not even cry a single tear because I would get kicked out of the house, my relatives judged me as a monster, trash of humility. I did not know how to relieve my stress and pressure. I felt so helpless. To be honest with you guys, I got raped when I was 14 but I did not tell anyone. I have seen myself as dirty, unclean and evil. I tried to jump off from the roof of the building  (it was around 32 floors high), and got hospitalized immediately. This was the beginning of my depression and GAD. I did not go to school for almost 2 years, but I missed out so many parts of my life and my childhood, I had been hospitalized for a long time, so I did not even know how to talk to others or even did any activities.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

At first, I had been assigned to see a psychologist and psychiatrist. It was quite helpless since my psychologist kept changing all the time and it was totally NOT FUN to speak about my problems all over and over again. And then, I started joining school counselor and family therapist. They were really helpful to me and gave me a great opportunity to speak up to my parents about how I feel. My school counselor encouraged me to go to school by giving me one poker card every time I went to school, it was  great parents for me and it also started giving my hope about life when I saw how beautiful those poker cards are, they were themes of UK London buildings and scenes. I have been playing music since I was 2 years old, but due to illness, I did not have a chance to pick it up again until I had been in a creative high school where I was focused on music and design major. Music gave me so much energy and I composed my first new song since I was 17, about myself that time. It was a huge accomplishment for me in my life until now.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I have had 7 times of attempted suicide before in my life. I was so negative and I always felt like I am in prison which no one even visited me, no one remembered my birthday, no one to be with me at Christmas. When I saw how people were being happy on the TV, my heart was painful as hell. I could not even know how could I still live in this world. After one of the big turning point that made me stop having suicidal thoughts, which my FIRST BEST friend in my life since I was 18 completed suicide. She had Schizophrenia. I was the last one in her contact number, so I was forced to have a mini interview with police and such. They gave me so much pressure, I felt so guilty about not helping her out and left her alone to deal with problems. I shouted and screamed, pulled many of my hairs out, and the hospital sent me towards a personal ward. All people said I was crazy, I would not be normal again. But YES, this trauma made me stop suicide because I knew how pain it was that person who left off in this world. I still working on this trauma until now, but I really hope I am get over it and just remembered positive things from my friend. The other turning point in my life is I diagnosed cancer on my leg, I was so depressed that time which I thought my life may end here. I did three operations on my leg and I could not run and would not jump anymore in my life. I moved to another ward which always gave me shots and screen which made me pain and dizzy, felt cold and hopeless all the time. I started understand how life precious and how should I treasure the rest of my life IF I have time. and luckily I have been cured of cancer and now I moved to another country to continue my studies.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My dream is to be a musician because it is what I love the most in my life. and after my experience, I am planning to be a music therapist in the future, if I have money to continue my study. I am still so surprised I was never been able to attend 50% of school until 20, and now I could managed to go to school everyday. Now I am studying last year double major in Psychology and Thanatology, (Thanatology is a study about death.) Both are heavy to me to be honest, and most of the topics that I studied triggered my emotions a lot. Many people in my life challenged me that I would not be able to finish my degree, because they are just too heavy for me, but lucky I am a STUBBORN person haha. I would not give up that easily and I wanted to show others that, even I have been through a lot, I can still achieved something in my life! I can complete so much stuff right now, being in a new country alone, I study and work at the same time, being a chef assistant and emotional support coordinator intern. I will try my best to apply for Canadian citizenship but I hope I can assist people who has mental illness and disabilities the rest of my life.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, today is a gift, that’s why it calls present.” I am sure many people heard about it and this means a lot to me. Worrying about the past and future is not working. Doing meditation may help you to focus on present, right now, on earth. Feel you feet stand on the ground heavily, you are still here. You are here and alive, you are the precious gift in this world. Mental illness does not mean you have dumb, useless, evil, trash in your life, It gives you a better story, a brighter future than other peoples do. I do not mind help others more with their problems, since my experience gave me so much empathy that I am easily stand on other people’s shoes and I wish everyone who is dealing with illness like ME be happy and I am in the same boat and with you all!

From Growing up in a Refugee Camp: How life changed for Salmon M.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Every one of us might have experienced some kind of hardships in life. Sometimes we can successfully overcome those hardships and sometimes we are still struggling and suffering, but don’t ever be despondent. No matter how hard it is, as long as you stay persistent and self-determined, you will be able to overcome those obstacles.

To know who I am you must first know where I began. I was born and raised small refugee camp called Hagadera, in Kenya, which lacked freedom and opportunities for all those suffering from poverty and under control of the government. I had one obstacle when I was in my country Kenya. I was born and raised with a single mother. Life was hard. We used to live in a refugee camp, where there is not enough security and food. There were no good schools in that camp. One day, when I was two years old, my mother decided to move to the city which was so hard to move there as refugees we were not allowed to go down the country and live the cities. But my mother tried to go there. There is no safe route to the cities.

My mother paid a lot of money to ride in a car with one man who was going to the city. But on the way something horrible happened. They met a group of gangsters who started firing on the car. The driver died immediately after he got shot on the forehead. My mother gets shot at in the back too. She became unconscious. She bleeds a lot but she did not die. There was nobody else there. We were not close to the city. After 8 hours a police car came and called emergency services. Finally, they took my mother to hospital and they removed the bullet.

After one month, they allowed us to live in the city. At first I was excited to go to school, but soon school was not very exciting for me. Knowing only a little English was very hard. Kids were making fun of my English. They said a lot of mean things. I was hurt like a deep wound cut inside. I wished that somebody was there who would tell those kids to stop. School was hard. Teachers were not very helpful for me. Some of my teachers were tired and they didn’t have patience with me because learning was hard. I know it was hard for them, too, to repeat things again and again. I was mad at myself, too.

Every time I did my homework, my tears were just dripping out from my eyes. All of my work was smeared with tears. I cried so many nights, but I never stop working hard. I did all my work and I found my own way to get help. I was in the Bridges Program to help new ESL students about the homework and to learn new things. Students tease me every day calling me all those bad names, like “illegal person and poor refugee” but I never ever STOP even one day going that school. I did my best to show love and respect and I tried to make them my friends. I was the only refugee students who was going to that school.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

After struggling two years in my middle school. I finally make new friends. There were three male students who use to tease me and bully me every day. I never fight them back or even say bad words to them while they are mean to me. One day one of them come the school while the other two skipped school that day. He come to me during a break time and he said “hey lovely bird, you have money today” I know he was bullying me but I said “Sure.” I gave him one hundred Kenyan shilling. He grabbed the money quickly and walked away. After he ate his breakfast, I went to him and said “Can I talk to you?” He said “Sure you can.” I said “I am sorry I don’t know that much English, but at least I will try to tell you my problem, I am a nice student. I don’t have problem with the other students in this school except you and your two friends. You always tease me and bully me. I don’t know what I did to you guys. Please if you have a problem with me, tell me what I did to you.” He said, “Listen b**ch, I hate you, go away.”

I said “Why do you hate me?” He said “I don’t know.” After that I walked away because I felt hurt. After five minutes, I saw somebody running toward me, I glanced and he is the one who was saying “I hate you boy”. He come and grab my shoulders. He starts crying and I cried too. I said “What happen to you?” He tried to talk but he cannot because all his eyes were full of tears. We sit down on the floor. I wipe his tears using my hands. He talks to me but the first word that comes out from his mouth was “I am… I am sorry SALMAN”. I did not say what, because I know what he means, so we talk and he asked me to forgive him. Finally, I said “I am good. You are like my brother. Let us be friends”. We become friends and his other two friends started to tease him. We both went to them and talk to them. They agreed our advice and they stop bullying. We become good friends. I help them a lot. I was the third place in my school every term we took a test, but for them, they have bad grades in classes. I start something called “Group study”. I invite them to my house to study together every night. After doing that activity one month. They start improving and getting good grades in their classes. At the end of the year when we took the final exam, something wonderful happen. These guys, who never before ranked in the top ten in their class, became the top three in the school.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

After I finish my tenth grade in Kenya in February 2014, we moved to the United States and settled in Omaha, Nebraska. I continue my education. I’m back in high school and now I am a senior at Benson High School. Sometimes in life it just takes the influence of one person to help you see yourself in a whole new light. For me that person is my high school counselor Mrs. Cameron. I have been meeting with her twice a week and the difference these meetings have made in my outlook in life and my goals for the future.

However, sometimes I have a hard time since there is a lot of challenges as well. But even so, I always try to look in a positive side, because I know becoming a doctor in the United States is not easy. In order to improve my weakness and reaching my goal, I believe myself that I can make my dream true no matter how hard is it. I need to strive for having a better life in the future. To sum up, moving to the United States was an important change in my life because of giving me the chance to have a healthy lifestyle and a new way of thinking. I have changed my eating and sleeping habits in a good way. Meanwhile, I have become more understanding of different cultures. Thus, this change is very important and beneficial for me.

My dream is to become a helpful registered nurse. My goal is to complete four years’ college and then go to study beyond later if I have a chance because education never stops. That was just one of my dreams. I want to have a good future and a loving family. I will rise and provide my children to become a successful person. Because of what I have been through I don’t want my children to go through the same experience. I hope they will use my story as a role model for them to work hard and to be successful in their lives.

Amanda

How did it all start? When did you first start experiencing symptoms or using?

I had bullying issues that started in 3rd grade. When I entered 6th grade it really got bad. At the end of 6th grade I became very suicidal.

What kind of help did you get at first? Did it work?

At the end of 6th grade I became very suicidal, got scared, and told someone. I was in therapy for the summer and that was the end of it. It got a little better but mostly I stopped talking about how I was feeling. Things stayed the same till the end of high school, when I started getting what I called mood swings.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I consider certain parts of my life important. One is 6th grade, and another is 8th grade, I learned more lessons than I could count. I started college and was blessed enough to have a RA who knew something was wrong. She tried so hard to get me to go to therapy. I refused but when I realized the next year that I needed help, I already knew where to go.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I am doing great now. After getting fired from my last job in 2012, I am finally working again. I have regained the ability to dream. I now believe that I can do anything, that my dreams are possible. It has taken years. It took years of trying, “failing,” then trying again and feeling like I’m getting nowhere.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier?

No matter how many times you fall, keep getting back up and do the work because recovery happens when the things that you have heard and keep trying to do finally click. Nobody knows how long that will take. But most importantly, I would tell someone that they are ok, that there is nothing wrong with them. They are still a person, just like everyone else. And that you are not alone, and things really can get better even though for most of the journey recovery will seem like an impossible dream.