What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with a lot. I feel like they’re all sort of interconnected. I used to blame myself, my thought being that I was just weak. I would tell myself other people have been through so much worse, how can I be so depressed and anxious? But now I realize that it’s not that I was weak. Everyone responds to their traumas differently. I’ve realized how strong I am because honestly, I have been through so much, but I still keep pushing forward everyday, even when I really don’t want to.

I’ve struggled with disordered eating. I felt like I had no control over anything in my life, but starving myself and skipping meals was something I could control. It was never so much about my weight because I have been small my entire life. It was really about grasping onto the control it made me feel like I had. As I got older, starving myself became a way to physically harm myself because I just really felt like I deserved to suffer. That was something I struggled with on and off from middle school through college. There are still days where I unintentionally don’t eat because my body’s regular hunger signals are all over the place from years of disordered eating.

Another thing I have really struggled with is depression. I’ve had thoughts of suicide since I was probably in middle school. I was in middle school writing suicide notes and stuffing them in between my mattress and boxspring. I would plot and plan, but I never did anything. It wasn’t always that I actually wanted to die and be completely done. I just wanted to escape the situation I was in and that seemed like the only way. There are days I don’t want to get out of bed. There are days I want to just sleep. There are days I can’t stop crying throughout the day. I would literally be at work or in class with tears silently streaming down my face. The depression doesn’t come around as much as it used to, but I do still struggle. Despite what people might tell you, recovery isn’t linear. It’s okay to have good and bad days, it happens. Life can’t be like the fairytales, bad things happen and it’s okay to react to them.

Another thing I have had issues with is my anxiety. I don’t think I had ever really had full blow anxiety until I was in college, but that also might just be when I really recognized it for what it was. When I was in college, there was one drunken night when I made one of the worst decisions of my life. Someone offered me a pill (Red Bull, it was MDMA) and they told me it would make me happy (I was really depressed because my best friend had just attempted suicide and she had almost completed). Drunk me decided it was a great idea.

I had a horrible trip. I was screaming and throwing myself up the walls in a bed. By the end of the night my hair was in a giant knot from throwing myself around. It was after that night that I started to have issues with anxiety. Drugs like MDMA are meant to significantly spike serotonin, a chemical in the brain that’s makes you feel good. The issue is, after taking it, it depletes it and causes psychological effects. When the anxiety got really bad, I finally had to tell my mom what I did and she took me to a special naturopathic doctor where I ran tests to see how chemically imbalanced my brain was so I could take things to try and balance it out.

A few months after the incident, I had my first panic attack. I had no idea what it was, so naturally, I thought I was dying. Increased heart rate, extreme feeling of impending doom…I felt like if I stopped moving, I was going to die. I was convinced I was having a heart attack or something and that I was going to drop dead. I was at work and I eventually called my friend to get me from work and I wanted her to take me to the hospital, but she knew it was a panic attack and she was able to calm me down.

One of the things nobody tells you about anxiety is that it’s more than just feeling nervous. For me, it’s the physical symptoms that really get me because they really can be associated with real medical issues that might be life threatening. For me, my heart races, I get shortness of breath, my hands become numb, I feel nauseous, I get GI issues, I clench my teeth, and I’m sure there’s things I’m forgetting. And of course, these physical symptoms cause my anxiety to heighten. I would be in class or at work experiencing these symptoms and for people who don’t understand, it’s hard to be like hey I’m not okay and I can’t be here right now. One time I literally forced my doctor to give me an x-ray of my lungs because of the physical symptom shortness of breath. The x-ray came back and showed nothing was wrong and she suggested I see a therapist.

For a short period of time, I turned to substances to try and block everything out. It was a way to make myself numb. I wasn’t drinking and smoking just for fun. Honestly, a lot of the time I was doing it alone. I liked to drink or get high to the point where I was just a vegetable. I just didn’t want to feel anything. It was easier than being sober where my thoughts were running wild. This period didn’t last that long, and I’m sure my body thanks me for that. I chose to be completely sober a couple of years ago because I just knew having issues with depression and anxiety, I would try and turn to substances to try and make myself numb and I would take it too far.

At one point I started smoking cigarettes and to be completely honest it was another way of me just trying to harm myself. It’s horrible, but I was like I hope I get cancer and die a slow painful death. My reasoning? I felt like I deserved it. News flash, I don’t deserve it. Thankfully the cigarette smoking didn’t last long either.

At some point in college, I was getting really bad and I went to a therapist. I was barely functioning and it was effecting my school and work. I remember she diagnosed me with PTSD. I checked almost all of the boxes. I didn’t want to face it, and I stopped going to see her shortly after. Digging deep was bringing up stuff I didn’t want to remember and it was making me even worse emotionally to the point where I was crying what felt like 24/7.

Looking back now, I’m going to assume what she actually meant I had is CPTSD, not that that’s any better than just regular ole PTSD. Mine wasn’t from just one traumatic event, but from repeated trauma over YEARS. There are a lot of things that trigger me that don’t make sense to those around me because my brain was literally wired by trauma. I had to do a lot of things to try and protect myself growing up. It’s something I definitely try to work on, but there are so many things I have just buried deep down that a lot of my reactions to things that shouldn’t be issues are subconscious.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

When I was a freshman in college, my friend pushed me to go to CAPS (Counseling and Psychological Services) for therapy. I went in the spring semester and it worked. I figured I would be good to go for life, but man was I wrong.

I ended up going back my sophomore year, but I got a new intern. I felt like she was judging me (I was kind of spiraling and making just all around really bad decisions). I would tell her something, and I could just see in her face that she was thinking what is wrong with this girl. Honestly, it made me feel worse. I finished therapy through the semester and then I stopped thinking I was cured. Wrong again.

When I pulled myself out of school before the start of my junior year, I went to CAPS again and demanded they give me someone who wasn’t just an intern because I felt like I had way too many issues for the interns to help with. It was there that we decided I wouldn’t go to school that semester and one of the therapists there referred me to Sound Community in New London, CT to do a Dual Diagnosis Program.

The Dual Diagnosis was for people with substance abuse issues and mental health issues. It was a group therapy type thing. I was 20 at the time and I was the youngest one there. The adults loved me though, and there was one woman who told me I reminded her of her daughter. Another would draw me things. We were taught coping skills and just overall educated. We had worksheets and we did projects. I really learned a lot while I was there. I graduated the program sometime in October and I went into individual therapy with one of the people who led the group.

I absolutely loved my therapist I had been assigned. It felt like she really understood me. I was comfortable sharing everything and anything with her. She really helped me so much. I stopped seeing her when they made some changes and the group social workers couldn’t have individual clients anymore. We both agreed that I was ready and I was a lot better than when I first entered the program. Having a therapist you really connect with is SO IMPORTANT. If you don’t feel like you click with your therapist, absolutely try and look for another one because it will make a huge difference.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I graduated from college in August of 2020, five years after starting college in Fall of 2015. I graduated with a degree in New Media Studies with a concentration in Integrated Communication Media.

When I was in college, I started a blog called https://combatinganxiety.com/ as my senior project, I feel that sharing my story is really important for people that are struggling. It’s nice to know that you’re not alone. I share my story to try and help end the stigma. Discussing mental health should not be a taboo.

I have been working for my mom’s blog since 2015 and I really like the work. This summer I took a food photography course and I now take photos for her recipe posts! It’s really cool getting to see my photos published on her site and her social media.

2020 was rough, but it gave me time to really do things I wanted to do (I had been working multiple jobs and going to school for years and the pandemic gave me a break from that life). I really got back into photography and it has been great for my mental health going out hiking with my camera. I’ve also become a bit of a crazy bird lady and I love sharing my bird photos with others who love them as much as I do!

My biggest accomplishment to date is becoming Turning Point CT’s newest team member. I am now their social media assistant! This is my first job I have taken since I have graduated and I am so happy to be a part of something and to help make a difference!

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Well for one, you are NOT alone!

Second, recovery is by no means linear. You can’t expect to just be happy all the time and not depressed or anxious or struggling. You absolutely cannot beat yourself up if you’re having a hard time in your recovery. It just isn’t helpful to beat yourself up. Acknowledge those feelings and try and figure out why you’re feeling those things. Acknowledging those feelings is much better than just shoving everything down.

Third, there are so many resources out there! The internet makes access to information so easy. Social media is a great way to connect with others that may be going through similar things.

Lastly – Hang in there!

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Depression along with self image issues, It started when I turned 11 but it became very hard during 6th grade when I had turned 13yr old and had to deal with daily bullying.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I got guidance counseling that was available in school at first and only really had that for the longest time. Only having one pillar that I had to lean on that would constantly fail me lead to develop bad trust issues.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

When I got out of that toxic environment, When I finally got a proper therapist, and psychiatrist, and also got on medication that would all come together to make me feel better.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Although my life isn’t exactly how I’d picture it being during this time of my life, I’m in a much better place than I was seven years ago. I graduated High School and I’m starting college.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I would’ve seeked help sooner, proper help. It took until I was already having regular breakdowns to see my first therapist and due to my parents concerns, five years before they’d even consider getting me medication. Don’t be afraid to help yourself.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I struggle with Schizoaffective disorder and it became too much when I was in high school. I was about 14 when I began experiencing symptoms of depression and anxiety. It became too much when I was a sophomore in high school. I couldn’t seem to get my assignments done and I was losing focus in class. It became so overwhelming I was outplaced in a therapeutic school. When I graduated things started to get worse. I spent some time in a hospital due to a suicide attempt and had to drop out of college. I started to deal with mania and psychosis soon after. Currently I am working on recovery and trying to reach certain goals to become functional in society.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I started with basic therapy but that didn’t help much so my therapist recommended I take DBT. At the time, my depression made me reluctant to view help as hope so I didn’t get much out of it. When I went to the hospital they also used DBT. This time however, I was more open to trying it out. Some tools I learned helped me get through my hospital stay. I still use some of those tools today. I was also tried on several medications that didn’t do much for me but luckily I have found a medication that works for most of my symptoms.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

When I received the correct diagnosis and changed therapists is when things started to get better. When my diagnosis was changed I was given different medications that made my life more manageable. During that time I was able to leave the house and do things that I didn’t have the motivation to do before.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Currently, my life has been like a whack-a-mole. When one issue is resolved another pops up. It is definitely a struggle but I haven’t given up hope. I’ve been able to develop tools that are very therapeutic for me such as baking. I am working towards overcoming my fear of the outside world and finding a future for myself.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

My best advice would be to reach out to someone even if you feel like there is no hope in getting help. As alone as you may feel in the moment, there are others who can relate. I wish I’d reached out earlier and expressed what was on my mind. No one can read your mind so you need to speak up. When someone is trying to help you it is important to be as open and honest as possible even if it hurts. It’s for the best because in the long run it will benefit you greatly.

If you’d like to reply to Mariah’s Story, click here!

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with depression, stress, and anxiety. It became too much when I had started becoming suicidal and my mom wanted to take me out of school so I can focus on getting myself together.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

My basketball coach seen that I was struggling and she set me up with a counselor instead of practicing and made sure that I set up appointments to talk to my counselor. It took some time to get used to talking to someone about my issues, but it was very successful.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

There were turning points where things started to become better. I realized that I needed to gain more confidence and be myself. I will eventually have to live for myself and do what is best for me. I became more outgoing and made lots of friends who actually care about me.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is completely different. I want to be able to help others who have been through or currently going through personal issues that are mentally draining. I have been able to accomplish the goal of getting over my fears, graduating from college, and breaking out of my quiet shell. I want to be able to help guide others down a positive path instead of a negative one.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I would tell them to “grow through what you go through.” This is a quote that I live by. It helped me realize that it is alright to go through things, but it is not alright to let the negative things kill me. I had to learn to grow and not let things hold me back from wanting to become successful and accomplish my goals. Never let someone see you down, always walk tall, talk tall, and stand tall.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I was diagnosed with a severe onset of Bipolar Disorder at the age of 10. Everything happened almost instantly. I was very paranoid, out of touch with reality, and depressed. I was extremely symptomatic, and that was just the scratch on the surface of a 16 year journey I would embark on.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

As far as support, no one really knew what to do, or how do address the actual problem was because of the severity of the illness and many different symptoms. I ended up being loaded up medications by different doctors over the years, repeatedly going in and out of different impatient hospitals and DCF placements. They all much pretty much had a negative impact at the time being.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

There were 4 huge turning points which would end up being the transition to an improbable recovery story. After a 4th uncompleted suicide attempt, I realized I was here for a reason, I wasn’t sure what that was, but I was going to find out. One thing that was always true to my nature is helping others and making a difference. The 2nd turning point was finding out the main diagnosis with everyone on the same page. An evaluation was done when I was 22, and they found out I had PTSD. There was validation, trust amongst everyone helping move forward. I ended up getting the right treatment and care which was extremely significant. Also 2 big components to this. Stability and consistency. When that is something you have lacked your entire life and has effects on various aspects its almost impossible to get better. The final and most significant turning point was being able to “Let go”. A lot of bad things happened growing up and actions I had done, and I always felt guilty after them, I was very hard on myself. I am my own worst critic and always will be. People have told me It wasn’t my fault because of how sick I was and that I had no control over things that had happened. And once I was able to forgive myself for those actions in the past, an immense amount of weight was lifted and burdens were gone. This was when I was 23 years old. Also finding “inner peace”. I realize that I may not have the materialistic things that people my age have, but I have gone through adversity at such a young age and overcome trials and tribulations that can’t even be fathomed. Once i was able to have that acceptance and became satisfied with myself, I became satisfied with life..

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Life is going very well right now, and there isn’t really much more I could ask for. I work 2 jobs currently. I am employed with Advocacy Unlimited and Join Rise Be. I also am an Assistant Director for a before and after school program that takes place at an elementary school with ages K-5. I live in my own apartment, am self sufficient and financially stable. I am heavily involved in the Young Adult Mental Health Advocacy Movement across Connecticut. I have testified at the Legislative Office Building in Hartford regarding services they were trying to close, met with a couple senators educating them on the beneficial parts of what they provide. Being apart of multiple conferences regarding mental health, Running a workshop on Self Expression and Advocacy, was a recipient of the 2019 individual advocacy award through Keep The Promise and other care proving agencies. I had extremely low standards that people set for me at 10 years old. That I should have been taken away from my family. I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society, and much more. I was able to prove those wrong and accomplish what has lead to an improbable recovery story. A goal I am working towards is finding out what career I will have involving work as an advocate. I am apart and helped others in many different ways and paths. What seems to be most helpful is sharing my recovery story with others, and actively engaging in these types of conversations. I can articulate them in ways where people who have similar struggles can relate, and people who have influence on power, policy, and procedure and understand from different perspectives. I am blessed to be able to do that.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

There are several things I would tell people who are having a hard time, and things I wish I knew earlier. Know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Its there, it might take awhile for some people, and longer for others, but that’s the beauty of walking your own path and having your own story to influence others. Also know you aren’t alone. There are times where it feels like you are, but you aren’t. Be open minded. There are some services/advice/strategies that may not help. But some will. Have that mindset and continue to work hard every day and stay dedicated. Finally, turning knowledge into wisdom.Knowledge is power. I am all about perspective, insight, self awareness, and .growing and learning as an individual every day. An example of this is if you are going through a similar struggle or scenario you had previously dealt with, reflect back on what worked and what didn’t and apply that to the best of your capabilities. Don’t get stuck on the past and fixate on it though, “Its good to look back at the past and see what path you had gone down, but also use it as way to pave a new road going forward”-
Alex Perfetto

Hi friends, my name is Ella and I am the new Project Coordinator at TurningPointCT. I am a young adult myself and I thought that it would be good to tear down the curtain so you could see that the person behind it may not be so different to you.

With this being the case I thought I would introduce myself and my experiences with mental illness and unhealthy coping mechanisms. My name is Ella and I identify as a cis female using the pronouns she, hers. I am 21 years old (a taurus), I spent the first 10 years of my life in England, but South West Connecticut has been my home for the past 11 years. I went through the Darien Public School System and went to the Rhode Island School of Design for 2 years to pursue illustration (the image at the header of this is a piece I completed about depression in 2015). I am now an online student at Lesley University studying Psychology. My story has been far from the straight forward, as few stories of mental health are.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, and unhealthy coping mechanisms since about the age of 16. I was never given a full diagnosis other than clinical depression and generalized anxiety, but I believe that a lot of my experiences and symptoms align with Borderline Personality Disorder. I had always been an introverted and anxious child growing up, but my first real experience with mental illness came when I was around 16. My depression and anxiety was triggered by my first relationship which ended up being pretty codependent and toxic, along with other social problems and the building pressure to academically excel. At the age of 18 everything became too much and I came very close to self harm and suicide.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

When I began experiencing depression and anxiety to the point that it was interfering with my life I decided to talk to my parents about what I was going through. Luckily they were incredibly supportive and they helped me to start seeing a therapist and psychiatrist and I was treated through a combination of talk therapy, CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), and medication. This treatment regime kept me afloat through my senior year, getting accepted into college, and graduation, but shortly after everything fell apart.

I was absolutely exhausted from years of unresolved and unhealthy beliefs that I had about myself. I felt like I was totally unworthy of love and I felt that the world was a better place without me in it. I had constant thoughts of self harm and suicide, which were frankly terrifying to face on a daily basis. My parents and I decided it would be best for me to be placed in an inpatient program at Silver Hill Hospital where I would be safe from myself and would be set on track for a healthy recovery.

I spent about 8 days inpatient going through individualized therapy and medication evaluation along with group therapy activities and sessions such as DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and art therapy. I came out of my time inpatient raw, but in a much healthier place. I continued my treatment that summer in an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) that focused on learning DBT skills. This was a group therapy setting with other adolescents my age and younger. I learned so many valuable skills in controlling my emotions, communication and mindfulness.

About a month after this group ended, I packed up my things and headed off to Rhode Island for my first year of college. Arguably, starting my college career so soon after a really turbulent mental period in my life and after a semester away at school things started to fall apart again. I was anxious about my classes and my course load so an unhealthy coping mechanism I developed was to just stop going to my classes. This of course snowballed and I had a much bigger problem on my hands. I felt like such a failure and that I was wasting my time and my parents money and support. I reached out to the administration and decided that taking a medical leave of absence and returning the following spring was the best course of action. I spent that year seeing a therapist and working really hard to recover my mental health and to develop healthier coping mechanisms. When I returned the following spring I barely managed to keep my head above water again.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

At this point I felt hopeless and decided that I needed to take an indefinite break from my education and I returned home to live with my parents again. I got a job at a local coffee shop and slowly started building up my self worth and the belief that I was capable again. Rebuilding my self confidence was truly a battle and I still struggle with this today, but I took small steps like getting a part time job, and then taking a few classes at a local college as a visiting student.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Slowly but surely, I started to believe in myself again and I got to the point where I felt ready and excited to restart my education and search for a more fulfilling job. I began my online degree in Psychology so I could remain at home and save money and shortly after I was offered the job here at TurningPointCT.org as the Project Coordinator. A year ago I could not have believed that I would be where I am today. I am starting to understand that the only thing in my way of living the life that I want is myself. I do still struggle with my mental health, and some days truly are better than others, but I am continuing my efforts to be happier and healthier to see more good days than bad. I am working towards getting to the point where I feel able to help others still struggling with their mental health through my job here at TurningPointCT.org or as a peer.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I heard this a lot as a teen while in recovery and I had a hard time believing it, but things do get better and it does get easier. I know that the problems that you are facing today feel BIG, and they may be, but with time things get smaller and less important and one day it will be a distant memory. Whatever you believe will manifest itself in your actions and behaviors, so why not give yourself a chance? You may surprise yourself.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I struggled with depression and acceptance issues.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I didn’t really have anyone to help me when I was struggling. I usually dealt with it by myself.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I think I started to change for the better when I started to realize that I can be sad but I need to start accepting things that I change and start trying to keep pushing and try to overcome current things. after this, I just started to accept myself and try to be more carefree.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

my life now is more calming then earlier in life but now I’m working on all my problems and starting to overcome everything.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

honestly, I would tell someone whos having a hard time is try to take your problem head-on and just work through it, and just deal with the issue instead of avoiding the issue.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I struggled with social anxiety, depression, and self harm (for a short time). Most of my struggles starts in school. I’m an average person in people’s eyes, but I struggle to make myself believe I am. I have very low self-esteem which makes concentration hard and even harder to answer the simple “Are you Alright?” or “Are you okay?” questions. It’s like 2 different sides, one is me on the outside saying “I’m fine”, the other is crying and dying on the inside trying to find a way to escape

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I have support from my *very* small group of friends. But it isn’t easy to get support when no one really has the time to actually talk. My only other person I can talk to for support is my boyfriend, but it’s kinda hard when he is around 700 miles away.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

When I really had enough I went to get help from my friends. I also went to SMART Recovery groups to be with people who have similar issues and it finally feels like I’m not the only one

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

Get the help you really need! There is someone who will listen and always someone who will care.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I was raped by my uncle and aunt when I was just a little girl. I struggled with it all my life. Couple years ago I decided it was time to tell my story. I knew if I wanted to get better it was time to tell my therapist what happened to me when I was a child.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I never told no one about it because my adopted mother did not believe me. So I figured if she did not believe me no one else would. It take years before I was able to tell my life story.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Yes because when I told my story yo my therapist I was in a group home and if I wanted to feel better and move on with my life. I had to do it. And how I live on my own. I do have staff that checks in on me.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is better then before. I been living on my own for 2 years and it feels good. And now I want to conquer the world and own my own cleaning business and down the road I might write my life story.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I do not know what to say. Because I do still struggle with issues in my life. Where sometimes I will go in and out the hospital for trying to commit suicide. I just told you half of my story there’s so much more to my life. One thing I have to say is if you went your past to stop haunting you you need to definitely trust somebody that you know that will help you and support you and your decisions that you make in your life. I just have to find the right person that I was going to feel comfortable with and talk about my story I promise you it is going to be very difficult it was extremely difficult just imagine this happened to you when you was a child and you’ve been holding it in for years after years I would say I’m 29 now and I told my story when I was about 25 so that’s how long I had held my stories in.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I don’t struggle, I battle with depression, agoraphobia, and PTSD. It became too much 1 year ago.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I got none. No one wanted to help me and that just leaves me to help myself.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I moved away from those who abused me, made me feel like I wasn’t even worth to be called dirt. But they still try to pry their way back in.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I have a son. He makes me laugh like I haven’t laughed in years. He’s my accomplishment. My husband and i got an apartment. We don’t have a couch. Just two camping chairs. We literally don’t have much but we’re safe.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

No matter how many times they say sorry, if they’re still doing horrible things to you after that you need to push them away. Get away from them. They make it worse.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

– Social skills
– Friendships

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I attend FCA in Norwalk I went to social skills groups in Trumbull and Westport. I went to Grace Farms. I attend social work. I attend therapy

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

I joined a group at grace farms that meets on Fridays. It has taught me a lot about the social skills. I have to be thankful for the support I have. A lot of people don’t get the support that we get there

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is now a better life. Since I have attended these groups it has helped me. I enjoy the friends that I have. I could not be more thankful for the support I have.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

If you guys are having a hard time talk it out. Join a club or a activity. It is not hard to find a club, People will accept you for who you are.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I struggle with my relationship with my father but it took a turning point when he started being abusive. He hit me in the back of my head and one time saw me naked in the shower, despite me telling him don’t come in, and stared at my body and specifically one part of my body. He also has a temper and is unpredictable. He often made statements saying I can make your life hard or as he said it,” a living hell”. He once pinning my little sister to the wall choking her and when I intervened by  jumping on his back he threw me into an exercising machine. Afterwards he told us we should be lucky our stepmother stopped him or he would have hurt us and if I tried to basically defend myself from him I would regret it. Whenever he calls I start shaking uncontrollably and loose my appetite. I’m scared for me and my sisters well being and wish I could stay with my mom.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

The only support I had was my sisters. We weren’t with my mom, the courts didn’t even bother talking to us, our own attorney had an attitude with us and the night we were taken from my mom she had my sister in a choke hold, my sister’s face turning red, over a phone that my sister put in her shirt that the attorney dug in my sister’s shirt to take, and my therapists eventually stopped talking to me, saying she couldn’t help me.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

The only turning point is when he kicked me and my sister out and now me and my little sister live with my mom we he said our mom could have us back and now my mom is going to the courts so we can be with her. There is a paper where my mom and him make an agreement were we can visit both of them my mom is willing to sign it but he refuses despite us telling him it would be better.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life now is bitter sweet in a way. I live with my mom now and since I left my father, my depression has decreased greatly but, still when I get calls or text from my father I start to shake uncontrollably and loose my appetite and even sometimes use the bathroom more. Having to wonder what will happen being back to that house and when it would happen and what will I do and how I can protect my little sister from our abusive dad.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

For anybody that has a situation similar to me, my advice would be is to focus on your future and imagine a life where your only stress is minor bills and what to eat for dinner or what to wear. Where all your fears have vanished, and know soon once you hit 18 you’ll be free.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with post-traumatic stress disorder. I have also struggled while dealing with being sexually abused. I have also struggled with depression and self-sabotaging myself and also putting myself into isolation lastly I had a big problem with denial. It became too much for me when I was a mother of two children I found it was hard for me to even take care of my children at times because all I wanted to do was lay in bed. It became too much for me when I couldn’t allow my children to be around anyone, family included because I was sure that everyone was going to hurt them in the way that I had been hurt. I had not accepted my experience so in my mind I was just reliving it day to day. It was hard for me to even leave them alone with their father because I could not trust.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I had plenty of supports such as my aunt who was taking care of me, I had a therapist, I was involved in sexual abuse group with peers, I also had friends. I had social workers from the department of children’s and families from Casey family services.
Although I had great support systems I did not realize that everyone around was actually trying to help me so the supports did not work for me at first. I lied to them, I missed treated them, I isolated myself from them even when they reached out to me. In my head I was telling myself that I was alone, I did not work with them or accept any of their help. I had convinced myself that I was alone and I could do it on my own.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

There was a turning point for me after about seven years of doing badly in every way possible. One person that I trusted very much reached out to me and I told her that I just wasn’t doing well and I was lost, I remember telling her how much I love my daughters and even though I knew how hard it was for me to lose my mother at the tender age of 7 and I would never want to have my girls experience that but I had just had enough and I didn’t know if I could go on anymore, the desire for me to live was gone. Then she told me to do a meditation course. At first, I thought what would meditation do for my life, how in the world could this help me, and then I thought well nothing is going well in my life right now anyway and if she believes that this can help me maybe it’s time to try it. I went to this meditation course given by the Art Of Living and I realized that I could be happy again. All the knowledge that they had given to me in that course on how to be happy was knowledge I had already known it was just buried deep under my trauma from the past. I went to another course shortly after called the Art of Silence and for the first time I was able to reflect on my past the trauma, the pain, all the while being in a safe space. Now for me, a safe space is a space where I don’t have to explain why am crying, I don’t have to hold in my tears so that my children don’t see them or anyone else, I can just be without having to talk, I can be within myself, that is a safe space. I was away on a college campus at Northeastern in Boston there were plenty of other people but we were all in silence and we were all healing. This was the first time that I had actually confronted and accepted my past. After that silence course, I decided to move on. When I came home I ceased all contact with people that were not helping me but further hurting me even though a lot of them were my family members, I knew that this was the right decision. I surrounded myself with those people that were helping me, that loved me, that were supporting me and I finally got back in therapy. Instead of denying my problem and denying my post-Traumatic stress disorder I was honest with my therapist and told him everything that I wanted to work on. I started admitting the truth and I continued healing.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life is the best it has ever been since I was born I believe. I have two beautiful children that I’m able to love and take care of. I have a wonderful job working at Join Rise Be through Advocacy Unlimited. I am helping young adults to overcome their experiences, which is where my passion is. Since I started in recovery I was able to get my license and to buy my first car. I still have struggles but the difference now is that I know how to work through my struggles. Instead of hiding from them and being in denial acting as if the troubles don’t exist I am able to work through them. I often work with the people who support me the team at my job, my therapist, and my peers to get through it. I am working towards helping all the young adults that I can come encounter with to achieve recovery.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I would tell them to trust the process of recovery, it is for everyone. I would tell them that they are not alone and to realize that there are people that want to help them. If I had paid attention to the people that offered their help and support I would not have made as many mistakes or learned so many of my lessons the hard way. In life, you will realize there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But the most important are the ones who bring out the best in you, respect you and accept you for who you are. Those are the ones worth keeping around and listening to. Lastly to everyone reading this I leave you with this quote “Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome. You Can Do It”!!! Also if you would like to get involved in Join Rise Be, go to website joinrisebe.org, follow us on twitter, facebook and tumblr.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

Teen Pregnancy. It got hard when i gave birth.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I had support from my family and the father until he left me and my baby. It did work but only when i needed it.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

When my little girl turned 1 in October. We were able to find my own place and a job so i could take care of my child.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My little girl is now 13 months and she is the eye of my world. Me and my girlfriend are glad to have a daughter like her.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

If you get pregnant at a young age like i did, be sure to have a plan for when you tell your parents; like have a place you can stay, a job, and medical insurance.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I am a junior in high school.

From the day I stepped into high school, I was told of the horrors that is junior year: AP classes, standardized testing, and college pressure. However, in freshman and sophomore year I vowed to myself that I would try to ignore all the crazy expectations of high school like getting straight A’s, taking hard classes, and trying to do every sport and club I could handle. It was unrealistic!

I put my my mental state first so that I was happy. My philosophy was that I would try any class that I was interested in, even if it was hard or obscure. I probably wouldn’t get a perfect grade in it, but at least I was interested in the topic! This idea made for wonderful two years of stress-free learning and having fun with friends.
Things changed once I entered junior year.

Everything seemed to come crashing down. It felt like college was right around the corner and all of a sudden grades really did matter. Not only that, but every college seemed to expect only the highest standardized test scores along with it. I felt like I had failed myself the past few years. I was more stressed than ever because my grades and extracurricular weren’t enough to get into a good college. My anxiety increased and I felt as if I only had this last year to bring my grades. I was freaking out!

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I think once I settled down and got a college counselor, who could guide me through the college process, everything came in to focus again. My college counselor helped me put everything that I had to do down on paper. We formulated a guide to juggling school, weekly ACT tests, and sports.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

My turning point these last anxious 6 months was when I finally came to terms with the fact that whatever school I get into will be right for me. There is no point worrying about getting into a school that has a workload I can’t handle. It would just cause four more years of stress and anxiety! A perfect college for me is one where I can study my interests, see myself fitting in, and, most importantly, a place where I can be happy.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

My life now is not exactly stress-free, but definitely getting better! Seeing the seniors the year above me getting into the schools of their dreams has given me me hope for myself! Instead of fearing the process, I have began to feel excited for the process. The idea of figuring out which college will be the right match for me seems intriguing now.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I think any student entering their junior year in high school should keep their mental state in mind. It is important to make sure you aren’t too stressed. Always remember that whatever happens, it is for the best (and even if you don’t like the college you initially get into, there is always the option to transfer!).

There are sooo many colleges available that are right for each person. No college is perfect. As long as you do your best, try to learn as much as you can, and maintain a healthy mental state, you will succeed. High school isn’t just a place to learn and compete for A’s every year- it is a place to find yourself and grow as a person. Even if you don’t figure out exactly “who” you are or who you want to be when you are older, it is a place to find what is important in life: happiness, peace, and confidence in yourself.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

My empowering story may be much different than others you may hear. It’s the kind that seems painful, raw, jaded, but disastrously radically beautiful and that is exactly what it is, beautiful. I think at times what makes me extraordinary is that I consider myself a lioness and am currently combining my warrior traits with the beauty of love and vulnerability and my truth. Quite the combo, if I must say, but a beautiful one at that.
I carry warrior qualities, I’m a fighter for what I’m passionate about, I chase after my dreams to succeed and better my family’s lives but I also am a work of art, a rare find, and a source of beauty through a jaded and difficult journey. This isn’t to boast it’s to state that even those with hard times, difficult pasts, who have failed numerous times and had to repeatedly be humbled and get back up…that those people are beautiful also and capable of dreaming, doing, and succeeding. YES!!!
I also like to say that once I found my voice in the midst of being silenced and the midst of finding my true and authentic self that I now have the power and capability to ROAR my truth and to set myself free from the “bondage” that I have been entangled in.

When I was young I began to explore the world and found myself on my different paths. At a young age I began to explore the world of sex, drugs, and alcohol. I was not aware how this could deeply affect my life, my view of self, my view of others, my safety, as well as my success as a woman in this world.

In high school I became very enraged and angered by my inability to be able to explore the world as I chose. I was uninterested in school and began falling behind. At one point I had a .66 in high school and didn’t even think graduating with my high school degree would be possible, nor did I desire it.

I was uneducated, wasn’t aware of what I was getting myself into, and didn’t have the resources that were crucially important for me to succeed or protect myself.

I, like many, did not have any experience in relationships, drug or alcohol abuse, and sexual encounters. Ultimately, this lack of educational resources prohibited me from making knowledgeable and educated decisions or be fully aware of what decisions I was making and how it was ultimately killing me.

The year of my enlightening journey was not easy; I found myself in a residential care facility for troubled teens for 7 and half months of my life with the intent to form respect, self-direction, counseling, and ultimately; support.

This time I was pulled from my current high school suddenly and found myself living in a home of 13 teen girls and went from being able to speak to anyone the way I chose, to having to ask for permission to even speak, eat, go up or down the stairs, in or out of rooms and in and out of the house.

I found support among women who were older than me. They heard my cry and desire to explore this world and ultimately understood who I was. I found support among the women who I lived with and shared difficult moments with, who were living in the same world of chaos, frustration, and pain as I was. I began to see that I was not the only one struggling tremendously through my teen years.

Upon completing the program, I moved home and chose to shake these restrictions and feel free again. This turned into drug and alcohol abuse, consistent unhealthy relationships, and ultimately choosing sleeping on friend’s beds and couches due to running away from home. I found myself waking up numb and in random homes, several pregnancy scares, and continual drug use.

Still, within my soul I knew there was more. I knew I was worth more. I knew my life meant more and that one day I would be able to find it.

I began to research how to enroll myself into school and had a friend drop me off at a University for yet another chapter of my life. Unfortunately, at this school, my drug and alcohol use continued because it was much easier to obtain. I began to lose sight of the course of life I truly knew I needed to be on.

After one semester I was already back on academic probation, struggling to find financial assistance to stay in school, and was once again losing hope. I was living a life of numbness. I worked hard but was so caught up on seeking social acceptance that I did not realize where my life was heading.

I stayed numb.

At this university, I sought out the party scene and began to experiment sexually and dive into pill usage on a whole new level.
In a sense I was walking around with my eyes closed just trying to get by and manage life, thinking at times I had everything I had ever wanted, but so incredibly lost at the same time.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

I would have not made it this far without the support of my incredible mother, who is our biggest fan, The Family Scholar House program, my peers and those in my cohort, teachers who supported and empowered me, case workers, advocates on our behalf, my sisters and even bystanders, who without knowing, empowered my weak spirit.

I have been empowered by women within the community who have challenged me to speak out and share my story. They have helped me see my real beauty and my inner-warrior and to use my voice. They have also blessed me with the opportunity to speak my truth to others as an outlet and support to those who may be going through or who are healing from the same things.

Most important, I would not be here without my son, who has given me my passion, my drive and has instilled in me the real meaning of love within my heart. He is my heart outside my body and the reason I found the drive to strive to be the woman I am today. In addition, my real friends came to my side and I was close to completing my bachelor’s Degree.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

One evening, I found myself on my bathroom floor with a positive pregnancy test in my hand.
I remember leaving the University hospital, alone, on a very rainy day and getting in my care, after being told once again that I was pregnant and close to 6 weeks along.

Thinking….“Wait, I am only 20, not even close to being done with school, I am lost, completely unhappy and I am now growing a human being in my belly, when I can barely care for myself.”

For one second within the confines of my car I felt instant peace.

This was my day of awakening.

A child was growing in my belly and I had to radically change my life….

On this day I chose to better my life, not for me but for this soul that was begging me to be succeed, to be healthy, to be a powerful woman, an example, a mother, and for this,

I owe my son…my life.

At this point my mind, heart, and soul were focused on bettering our lives. My life became about becoming self-sufficient, growing together, and pressing forward to achieve my goals and dreams so that my son could have an example and a beautiful life.

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” – George Elliot

I can tell you right now, it is NEVER too late to become more, to become better, to be who you were intended to be.

We made our way back home, to be closer to family. We had been and were in very toxic environment but I was able to find support and guidance and began to dive into studies. After a strenuous and difficult journey, I came to a realization; I had been silenced.

I had been an independent woman, strong willed, and felt no shame in declaring who I was or what I thought, and slowly I found myself silenced, unheard and ultimately speechless.

One evening, I was on my knees weeping by my bedside begging for the lord to give me a sign and give me the power and voice to step away, for good, because I honestly couldn’t do it on my own.

That night I had a very raw and real dream about my own life, but it was not happy, nor did it end well.

The next morning, I awoke from my own nightmare. I walked away from abuse and never went back. I had tremendous support in my mother, who had seen me weep in pain for years. We both began weeping, in relief.

I found my voice and knew that I wanted to be a survivor, not another statistic and that I wanted to help others overcome & find their voice as well

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

I am a mother, daughter, sister, soul searcher, warrior and lover, and friend. I am a seeker of the beauty in life and in enjoying time with those I love, which in most cases involves coffee, which is also a love of mine. I advocate for domestic and intimate partner survivors within my own community and afar- through speaking engagements, blogs, and social media. I am fueled by the fire of my passions, which is to use my journey as a form of light to shine on others times of darkness- that there is hope and healing and freedom from the bondage of your journey and that all this needs to come by having grace with yourself and by choosing to intentionally love yourself, your journey, and the soul you are today.

On Mother’s Day, with my son in the stands, I graduated with honors, Magnu Cum Laude and walked straight into my graduate degree, a one-year advanced program for obtaining my Masters in Science of Social Work.

I have walked with my classmates again, after a long year in the Master’s program and obtained my MSSW the summer of 2016.

I never imagined the life I have today…with not one, but two diplomas.

Life has radically changed and I have been incredibly blessed.

We have been so incredibly blessed with such love and support in our journey.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

I am now asking you to listen, to empower and to advocate for those who are uneducated in regards to violence and their harmful current situations whether it be physical, emotional, verbal, sexual or mental abuse, as well as those who you are witness to violence in an extent that has drastically changed their lives. Many people have been silenced and are living in silence, so please offer them the opportunity to be heard and to find their voice once again. Choose to be that one person who makes a personal impact on another’s life that empowers them to be the person they were intended to be….so at this time please stand and face forward if you are able to commit to this…you are making a commitment to assist in diminishing the cycle of violence within this community, empowering those who have difficulty seeing any strengths within them, who have spent many nights and days weeping, bruised, naked, alone and emotional drained, who have spent days or even years in silence, who have difficult carrying for their children due to the abuse they are undergoing amongst the bills they are unable to pay, you are giving them an opportunity to be heard, to hear themselves, and to help them find safety and hope, you are allowing them to see support and to feel the presence of someone who sees them as more than just a statistic but yet giving them an opportunity to grow, flourish and be the beautiful soul that they have been trying so hard to be…. and recognize that you are not alone and others will be at the same time choosing to say no to violence and taking a stand in allowing survivors voices to be heard.

You are WORTHY. Your journey is worthy. Your freedom is Worthy. Your Voice is Worthy.

My passion is to empower others by using my journey and my voice and so I began The Soul Grind, which is a place of self-exploration, radical self-love, soul searching, and some powerful empowerment! A community where your voice is heard and your soul can grow and flourish in the company of some beautiful other humans on the same journey. The Soul Grind pours love on wounds and allows you to be heard and also it emphasizes the importance of combining all of that with a big cup of coffee.

The one thing I would love to tell, especially women, is that “You are worthy”.

In times society wants to make us seem mediocre, small, microscopic and that our views, stories, our voices don’t matter. Well, I’m telling you that you can achieve your dreams, you can accomplish your goals, you most certainly have a voice and I encourage you to “roar” as a lioness and be the women that you are intended to be whether the world sees it as capable or not.

· Fight for your life, your dreams, and your soul, the love for yourself, your families safety and your voice.

· Love yourself

· Take each day at a time

· Don’t judge your journey amongst others

– Dont rush your healing

· Offer yourself abundant amounts of grace when you do fall

· Find those who will support you back up

· Keep going!

Join us! Let’s hear your ROAR.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/thesoulgrind/
Blog: http://www.thesoulgrind.com
Email: thesoulgrind@gmail.com
Instagram: thesoulgrind

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

I have struggled with trying to live up to many societal norms/pressures while still staying sane. For example, I had always felt pressure to take the hardest classes in school to impress other people. I was never really happy with my grades even when they were good. Also, I sometimes found myself not wanting to speak my mind because I was afraid of what others may think of me.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

When I was getting ready to enter my junior year of high school, I told myself I was only going to worry about myself. Fortunately, that is exactly what I did. Knowing this was going to be an especially important academic year for me, I took classes I know I could do well in, while still challenging myself. I found myself to be a lot happier as I relieved myself of many of the unnecessary stresses weighing me down. I also started to really be myself around others, in other words, I was no longer afraid to express myself and true thoughts.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

For those having a tough time, I’d say just stay true to yourself. I have realized that staying true to yourself is one of the most important things in life. You should always do what you feel is right and never be afraid to be yourself. Nobody else is living your life so why should they chose how you live it? I wish someone had told me those exact words when I was younger. Everyone is self-conscious to an extent but no-one should ever not feel comfortable with themselves because of who they are.

What have you struggled with? When did it become too much?

For many years I struggled with fear, shame and internalized homophobia. When I approached 14 years old I began to realize that I was different from the people around me.

But I had this mentality that there was no way I could be gay, it had to be a phase and I had to get rid of it. High School in Jamaica, where I am from, was hard. All my friends were talking about girls and I didn’t want to.

In society, in high school and in my home there was no place for being gay.

My father strongly believed that it was a sin and that gay people should be killed. I felt trapped. I was virtually caged in. I had no conviction that who I was OK, and day after day I tried figuring a way out.
To some extent I felt as though I had to do things to please people, so I worked really hard in high school and strived for the very best grades; that way I could distract people from my sexuality.
But I never felt complete; as I grew older people started figuring things out and I had to lie. By lying, I created a wall around me, I became introvert and I lived with guilt. I felt wrong and disgusting and I didn’t want to go on living.

What kind of support did you get at first? Did it work?

When I reached 20 years old, I emigrated here and I made up my mind that I was not going back. Before I moved my father attacked me with stones and machete and I knew that my life was at risk.
While here in the United States, I stayed with some family but then they began to have assumptions about my sexuality so I reached out for help. I was struggling with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I was then admitted in hospital.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

In hospital I came out for the first time. For the first time I told a group of people that I was gay and they accepted me.

For seven days, while in the hospital, I saw my life changed.

For the worst part, I lost most of my family and almost everything I had. When I left the hospital I only had the clothes I walked in wearing.

Nevertheless, I gained what I didn’t have, ‘freedom’. I was moved to a shelter and I reached out to the Triangle Community Center that showed me the way to get around and find necessary support. It was a scary experience. At the time, I hardly knew anyone and I had no money to get around. But I constantly reminded myself that I was out and safe and I had support, which were the most important things.

I started going to counseling sessions and I was able to develop personal relationships and meet good people were able to give me the right advice.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Since being on my own for the last eight months, I have developed a passion for life and to be creative. I have been able to find supportive housing and I have applied to college with the hope of starting next fall.

I have also met many amazing and genuine people through these last months and I have managed to remain positive about life and continue dreaming about accomplishing and achieving great things.

What would you say to people who are having a tough time? What’s helped you that you wish you had known earlier

To anyone who may be going through similar struggles; remind yourself first and foremost, never to give up, no matter what… No matter what people think about you and no matter what society says.
Find that strength within you to believe in yourself. Create your identity, respect and embrace it. You were created to be you and the very best you that you can be.

It was bravery that got me where I am today. I believed in myself and that’s something I wish I could tell my younger self.

How did it all start? When did you first start experiencing symptoms or using?

I was involved in a lot of activities when I was younger – I practiced Kung Fu and Tae Kwon Do, played the alto saxophone, drums, guitar, and piano, was one of the best goalies in my travel soccer league, was the first girl to sign up at the local skate park. But I was born to a mother who spent the first eight years of my life with undiagnosed bipolar disorder and rarely got off the couch, and a father who is a pilot and was never home. In 2003, she was diagnosed with Bipolar 2; the same year I was diagnosed with Migraine.

This diagnosis is what changed my life. I remember the first sign something was wrong when I started self-harming at age 11. My migraines were manageable at first, but that was before I was diagnosed with Chronic Migraine in 2008. This qualifies as 15 headache days a month, 8 or more of which are migraines. That’s when the self-harm got really serious and has been an issue all the way up until now. My parents were oblivious for 6 years. I managed to stop for just over one full year, but that wasn’t permanent.

I was forced to drop out of high school before it was even legal to because my school refused to make the necessary accommodations for me to get an education while dealing with chronic migraines. Instead, they tried to place me in alternative education where they stuck the kids who didn’t show up to school because they chose not to. I refused to do this, so they sent me to a tutoring club – as if I could make it there after school hours instead, but still with a migraine. They thought I was full of it, so I stopped attending high school just before my 15th birthday and waited two years to turn 17 and get my GED, which I did not want. I was probably one of the very few kids in my high school who really did want to learn and this is something I still struggle to accept.

What kind of help did you get at first? Did it work?

I would say the first kind of help I attempted to get was through a neurologist right when I was first diagnosed with migraines in 2003. I was told I would be a guinea pig until we found something that worked. I saw several different neurologists and I was hospitalized more than once for migraines. I pumped full of morphine four separate times before I was 17 for over 3 week long bouts of pain. I was prescribed medication for migraines that then caused polycystic ovarian syndrome – a hormonal disorder that causes depression and anxiety, as well as inappropriate masculine features in women. As you can imagine, this just boosted my self-esteem through the roof.

My first help with depression came the same year I was diagnosed with Chronic Migraine. I was prescribed Prozac at first, which made my migraines much worse, and told to see a therapist. No, it did not work.

Were there any turning points where things really started to change for the better?

Things started to change for the better when I met my second therapist. This woman, may she rest in peace, made such an impact in my life. Because of the isolation from the people in my town due to my migraines, I met my now boyfriend of nearly five years online. She helped me make it through the difficult months of waiting to turn 17 to take the GED test and move to Maine to be with my boyfriend as well as start college. While I ran into very similar problems at this school as I did at my high school, (they did not have a disability coordinator so the Dean, who knew nothing about the ADA, was “dealing” with it. I failed my courses because they, too, couldn’t make the simple accommodations to the attendance policy that I needed), I was not nearly as affected because everything else in life was so new and fresh. I spent 2 years in Maine until my boyfriend and I decided to move back to Connecticut because as it turns out, he has family here too.

What’s your life like now? What have you been able to accomplish, and what are you working towards?

Now, I have managed to pass a total of 14 college courses and am currently going to school both in person and online. I’m studying horticulture and pursuing a floral design certificate online. I’ve had a few jobs, only one of which has been affected majorly by migraines. I’ve learned that I am always going to run into people who do not realize Migraine is a disease, not just pain. It is not just a headache – I cannot drive, eat, open my eyes in the sun, bend over, or think of simple words for that matter. I see auras and it’s like someone is like someone setting off a fireworks display three feet from my face. Because of this, I’m working towards owning my own business. My boyfriend and I would like to have a farm or a nursery down in Florida someday.

However, I was hospitalized last month for depression and I am in an intensive outpatient program to learn how to deal with the thoughts and feelings I’ve been having. I’ve come to this website to make sure that one day, I will own my own business. To make sure that I’ll make it.