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Sometimes our lives just feel like a never ending cycle of turmoil and dispair… and I am left here wondering what it is that I am supposed to do with the pieces of a broken vase that is clearly missing all of the pieces.
I’m so incredibly lost at this moment in time, yet I am expected to continue to remain a superhuman – Why?
I am allowed to be angry, I am allowed to want to punch a hole through the wall, and I am allowed to sit on the floor and cry all night feeling as though my heart is being burned out my chest. This does not mean that I am losing my mind… It means that I am alive and that I posses the capacity to love so deeply, be so vulnerable, that in a split moment in time I could risk losing myself in the process of losing the person who I gave my heart to.
I found out two days ago that my husband has been having an affair. That may sound like old person stuff, but let me tell you that I am a fresh 30 years old… and cheating is cheating no matter what you call it and how old you get.
In my life I have endured hardship beyond belief. I am a survivor of child sexual trauma, an alcoholic father, my parents divorced when I was 10 and I endured a strained relationship with a mother who tried her best raising four kids solo. I went from homelessness, addicted, and experiencing a severe eating disorder to today where on the outside my life looks so perfect… And I did all of this from 19-30 years old. It literally took me 9 solid years to get to a place where I know who I am and what I want out of this world.
Now, as I sit here questioning everything that I thought was reality, I know that this is when the real work begins. I have to go forward and make sense out of a seemingly nonsensical situation. I need to find balance during a time when getting high just seems like such a great excuse to give up everything I worked for.
No one said life was going to be easy, and I am here today to prove without a doubt that I can apply all the coping skills in the world, but the only thing that is going to make this feel alright is time and humility.
In recovery time is a very valuable thing. My life is marked by the number of days, months, years I have maintained my recovery and everyday I grow stronger, more confident, and my resiliency builds.
In recovery humility is the cornerstone of progress because we have to be willing to risk everything by being brutally honest. I need to share my weaknesses, fears, and mistakes to ensure that I can find my way back to my authentic self – my whole self.
I am so angry and disgusted that this is the next card dealt, and I am waking up wishing that I could have a complete do-over in this life. Yet, I would never give up the lessons learned, my beautiful children, and the hundreds of connections made within a world that is all too often cold, angry, and shaming.
I will get up this morning because I will be damned if I allow someone else to take away my sanity.
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