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Cheating

Sometimes our lives just feel like a never ending cycle of turmoil and dispair… and I am left here wondering what it is that I am supposed to do with the pieces of a broken vase that is clearly missing all of the pieces.

I’m so incredibly lost at this moment in time, yet I am expected to continue to remain a superhuman – Why?

I am allowed to be angry, I am allowed to want to punch a hole through the wall, and I am allowed to sit on the floor and cry all night feeling as though my heart is being burned out my chest. This does not mean that I am losing my mind… It means that I am alive and that I posses the capacity to love so deeply, be so vulnerable, that in a split moment in time I could risk losing myself in the process of losing the person who I gave my heart to.

I found out two days ago that my husband has been having an affair. That may sound like old person stuff, but let me tell you that I am a fresh 30 years old… and cheating is cheating no matter what you call it and how old you get.

In my life I have endured hardship beyond belief. I am a survivor of child sexual trauma, an alcoholic father, my parents divorced when I was 10 and I endured a strained relationship with a mother who tried her best raising four kids solo. I went from homelessness, addicted, and experiencing a severe eating disorder to today where on the outside my life looks so perfect… And I did all of this from 19-30 years old. It literally took me 9 solid years to get to a place where I know who I am and what I want out of this world.

Now, as I sit here questioning everything that I thought was reality, I know that this is when the real work begins. I have to go forward and make sense out of a seemingly nonsensical situation. I need to find balance during a time when getting high just seems like such a great excuse to give up everything I worked for.

No one said life was going to be easy, and I am here today to prove without a doubt that I can apply all the coping skills in the world, but the only thing that is going to make this feel alright is time and humility.

In recovery time is a very valuable thing. My life is marked by the number of days, months, years I have maintained my recovery and everyday I grow stronger, more confident, and my resiliency builds.

In recovery humility is the cornerstone of progress because we have to be willing to risk everything by being brutally honest. I need to share my weaknesses, fears, and mistakes to ensure that I can find my way back to my authentic self – my whole self.

I am so angry and disgusted that this is the next card dealt, and I am waking up wishing that I could have a complete do-over in this life. Yet, I would never give up the lessons learned, my beautiful children, and the hundreds of connections made within a world that is all too often cold, angry, and shaming.

I will get up this morning because I will be damned if I allow someone else to take away my sanity.


5 Replies to “Cheating”

  1. Vered Brandman says:

    Hi Michaela, I’m so sorry! I’m sorry you’re struggling, and I admire your perseverance – I’ve thought many times of quitting, too, when it felt like the carpet was pulled out from under me. It really sounds like you’re determined, prepared to keep fighting and keep going, but I want you also to know that you will never be “too recovered” to reach out for support and be honest and vulnerable when you need to. It’s the only way I get through my hard times, too, is to allow myself to feel the pain and be honest with the people close to me, to be vulnerable with them so they can support me the way I would want to support them if they were in my shoes. It sounds like maybe you don’t have someone, or enough someones, to be vulnerable and honest with, right now?

  2. Sara says:

    Michaela, I’m really sorry to hear about that. Life gets hard sometimes and it is hard to figure out why and more than that what to do about it. I can see through your honesty how strong you are and I hope you are able to continue to recognize that in yourself. I love how you talked about still showing up for life. I know for myself showing up for life is most important when I don’t want to. Feeling feelings can be so painful, but sometimes it is the next right thing. Life has thrown a lot at you, and all you can do sometimes is stay strong! Sending good thoughts your way!

  3. AlliAnonymous3 says:

    Hi Michaela,

    So sorry to hear about the awful card you were dealt. I’m not sure what I can offer in the way of comforting words – and to be totally honest the strength and level-headedness you showed in your post makes me 100% sure that you will find happiness with or without support. I’m inspired by your story. Going from addiction and homelessness to a (relatively) stable life is no easy task. Your partner’s infidelity may feel like a huge setback, but it is nothing compared to the fighting spirit that has gotten you this far. Let yourself feel the pain, anger, and myriad of emotions that come with this experience. Betrayal always cuts deeps, and it is natural to feel wounded for awhile. Afterall, this man likely told you he loved you, stood at the altar with you, and ultimately betrayed you. This implies that he did not value you, your feelings, or your relationship. Well, screw him. You deserve better than that. Everyone does. So, like you said, don’t let him take your sanity too. Apply those coping skills, continue your (impressive!) recovery, and put yourself first. The world is yours, go get it girl!

  4. Anonymous says:

    Michaela,

    I’m so, so sorry that this happened, especially given your turbulent past. It’s disheartening that not everyone in the world understands that marriage is a vow, and that we as humans are not equipped to handle the emotional and mental strain of coping with a broken vow such as your situation. However, remember that even though your husband cheated, you’re in control here. You are the one who is in charge of what you choose to do with the situation, whether that be trying counseling to help the marriage or leaving him entirely. You are the decider of your own fate and should remember that above all else, you come first.

  5. Jamie0715 says:

    When you are married to someone and you cheat and your significant other finds out it is a very sad situation. Just because the other person will be hurt and is not obligated to take him/her back. It is awful to know that you are cheating on somebody loyal. This needs to stop it is just not right.


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