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Life can be organized one minute, then complete chaos the next. As I walk down the path of life, there are so many different options of roads to follow. Some are dead ends, some are steep, some are downhill, some are twisting and turning, and some are smooth and straight. Sometimes I can get a glimpse of these roads, but other times I’m surrounded by fog. All I can see is my own feet and where I am standing at that moment. So how am I supposed to choose which road to follow? Is it faith? How do I gain the courage to pick a road and follow it? How do I eliminate any fear and anxiety?
Being in recovery, when fog completely covers your vision, it’s both helpful and fearful. All I have is today and this moment. However, it’s not always easy to concentrate on that one moment, especially when you live in fear of what will happen after you take a step down whichever road you choose. The Monkey will try to scare me and put thoughts in my mind of relapse so I can have my emotions numbed. As tempting at that can sound sometimes, I must remember, that even when there’s fog and I can’t see where the road I’m on will lead to, I know where the road of relapse leads and it’s very dangerous and life-threatening.
I sit and wonder how I will navigate through the maze of this fog. That’s when I align myself with my Higher Power. He is with me always. He’s allowing this fog and blindness from it, so that I can turn my guidance towards Him instead of my fear and my ego. When I do this, a wave of peace consumes me. Sometimes I’m still unsteady and shaking with each step I take, but when I keep my faith in His guidance, I can relax and have confidence in the road I’m going down. I solely rely on faith.
The fog that The Monkey uses as a cloud of fear, ends up being a protective blanket that forces me to live and focus on the current moment. As much as I anticipate the road and destination ahead of me, I must remind myself that all I have is today. If I focus too much on what lies ahead, I’ll miss the present moment that I’m in. Also, looking ahead can cause unrealistic scenarios and fears that can keep me stuck in the present, which turns into the past, keeping me stuck in the past. I’m also lacking faith and confidence when I entertain those scenarios and fears. I’ll miss the lessons that need to be learned and victories of those times if I look ahead and try to solve or avoid them before even happening.
Fog may consume my walk in life, but it’s there for a reason. I have to keep my focus on my feet and outstretch my hand to grasp the hand that will lead me when I am afraid to take my next step or don’t know which road to follow. As long as I ignore the fear that The Monkey throws at me, I’ll avoid the road of relapse and destruction.
TurningPointCT.org was developed by young people in Connecticut who are in recovery from mental health and substance use issues. We know what it’s like to feel alone, stressed, worried, sad, and angry. We’ve lived through the ups and downs of self-harm, drugs and alcohol, and the struggle to find help.
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I feel the fog Blinding me very often… except my fog isn’t from your monkey but its from mine. The monkey that was created out of social and peer pressure to be something that I’m not. I totally relate to this struggle. It’s so hard to navigate through this world with so many obstacles in front of us. Although I do not necessarily “let go and let God”, I find comfort and leadership in my spirituality. I let faith in my decisions and my destiny guide me, even when I feel like I can’t sometimes. Everyday is a challenge but I do not let fear ever run its route. To me, fear isn’t real. I make it up in my head and somehow let it be the excuse as to why I won’t or can’t do something. I stopped living like that after taking an intro to acting class and realizing that my fear is only created from things that I’m unsure of or unfamiliar with. I thought I feared being uncomfortable until I realized those feelings were creating a better me. Pressure makes diamonds and I’ve learned that.