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Have you ever had the thought, “I’m not good enough”? I have, more often than I’d like to. Come to think of it, I’ve had those thoughts since I was a little girl. I don’t exactly know where they came from, but as I learn more about the depth of my anxiety disorder, I’m starting to realize that’s where the blame falls.
I would think I wasn’t good enough for a job, school, or a person. I recently lost connections with people who were a big piece of my heart and life. I blamed myself, constantly. You’re not good enough for them would replay in my mind over and over. If you were good enough, they wouldn’t ____. If you were good enough, they would want you in their life.
People would tell me the classic line: it’s not you, it’s me. That was so unrealistic to me. How can I not take things personal?
My thoughts started to get worse. It went from you’re not good enough to you’re not worth it. I felt as if I wasn’t worth the love, job, education, friendship, etc. The thoughts started to spiral into a deeper mess and before I knew it, I wasn’t only thinking the thoughts, I believed them.
I needed to stop this thinking or change it somehow, especially after the thought you’re not worth recovery started to creep in.
I went to the source that I hoped could help; the Lord. I cried out to Him like many times before and asked Him, “am I good enough for you, God?”
When I dug for the answer to this question, I found more than the validation and acceptance that I was seeking. I found out that I am beloved. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I’m fully known and loved by Him. I opened my heart to this love and started tapping into it more than another human or job/education/etc.
My thoughts went from I am not good enough to I am valuable. As I started to believe these new thoughts, often being reminded through scripture or sermons, I started finding myself in educational and professional environments that I flourished in. Then, I found myself having friendships and relationships that don’t make me feel not good enough, but instead important, wanted, and cared for.
So maybe it’s not about being good enough, but instead accepting myself for who I am today in this moment and finding people, places, and things that find the light in me that others hadn’t, including myself.
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