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This week was the one year anniversary of my most recent sexual assault. Over the course of this past year, I’ve felt many emotions, faced many battles, and somehow, I can sit here writing this at this very moment in time. I feel like I have overcome so much, but somehow at times I feel like I am stuck within this circle of endless thought patterns that doesn’t seem to go away. I know I am strong, I know that I have been in hellish situations and I am still here, I guess this week has just frustrated me more than I expected because I don’t like feeling things. Besides being angry, there is no other true feeling that I guess I am comfortable expressing. To be seen to others as vulnerable, to show the world that you are a human being who can be easily molded and manipulated based upon what effects others have on your life… I don’t like letting others know they have that type of control over me. But they do. I secretly struggle so much to just allow myself to enjoy the little things just because I can! Because I deserve to! I am constantly worrying about the next devastating thing that is going to come walking through the door, although I know I am okay. That’s not the living on the edge that I want. I know that I am capable, I just have to get out of this frame of mind somehow because if not I can already feel myself spiraling down a path I no longer want to be on, but that is so familiar to me I sometimes go down out of force of habit. Here’s to one day after the next, and being able to embrace change slowly but surely.
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Hey Luz,
I totally know the feeling that you’re going through! When anniversaries of trauma come up for me, I’m definitely more anxious or “on-edge” that day, or sometimes even that week! Ugh! I try to get through it by changing my perspective the best I can. Like for example, I had an anniversary of entering prison recently and it got me really tense and anxious. I started to change my perspective and look at the testimony that came out of that hard time. I reflect on how that day was for me and what my life was like at that time and compare it to how I am now… WHAT A DIFFERENCE!!! I focus on the positive: i’m sober, i’m healthy, i’m not in handcuffs, i’m free, and i’m much happier and stronger! I focus on that and every time my anxiety or just the negative voice in my head tries to tell me different, I fight back with remembering that I’m not there anymore!!
Keep fighting the good fight and focus on the strength and courage you have now!!! Proud of you!!!
Hey Luz,
Thank you for sharing what you are going through. I am very proud of how far you have come. I know we don’t always get to see each other often, but I have seen a lot of growth in you, and it shows. You have been through a lot and have overcome so much. I appreciate your honesty as you are working through a lot of things.
Michael